Scarecrow! (as seen in Batman and shit)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Jonathan Crane
Occupation: Former Professor of Psychology, now Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: Injustice Gang of the World
Base of Operations: Gotham City
First Appearance: WORLD'S FINEST COMICS #3
Height: 6' Weight: 140 lbs
Eyes: Blue Hair: Black

HISTORY
When he was a small boy, Jonathan Crane liked to frighten birds. His fascination with the subject of fear persisted into adulthood. Crane became a professor of psychology at Gotham University and was known as an authority on the psychology of fear.

Crane was a tall, spindly figure who dressed shabbily, choosing to spend his money on books rather than clothing [Seems sensible to me!]. His faculty colleagues disliked and derided Crane, mockingly referring to him as "Scarecrow" Crane due to his appearance [Are y'all paying attention to Gotham Villains? Stop calling other people names because they're different than you! Because they're going to take that name and use it as their super-villain moniker! Everyone is just lucky I never decided to become the super-villain "Tiny Junk!" I would have stormed banks yelling, "I'm a grower not a shower! I mean, hands up, this is an erection! I mean stick up!"].

Crane's strange obsession with creating fear led him one day, while lecturing students on the subject of fear, suddenly to fire a bullet at a flower pot, shattering it. The students were unnerved to see their professor wielding a loaded gun in class [Oh, such simpler times.].

One afternoon Crane overheard some of his colleagues mocking his shabby, scarecrow-like appearance. Bitterly, Crane decided that if he had much more money, he would gain his colleagues' respect, and be able to dress better and buy still more books [I just lost all respect for Crane because he needs the respect of his douchebag peers.]. The next day he lectured about the ways criminals extorted "protection" money from victims through fear. Later, Crane decided to turn criminal himself, utilizing his knowledge of creating fear. He took the guise of the Scarecrow, believing it to be a perfect symbol of fear and poverty combined.

As the Scarecrow, Crane hired himself out to people who wanted others intimidated through illegal means [As opposed to legal means like setting cops and lawyers on people.]. Crane was fired from the university for his fanatical teachings and classroom behavior. The Batman deduced that Crane was the Scarecrow, and he and Robin captured him (see Batman II, Nightwing).

The Scarecrow, who has become a notorious master thief and has clashed repeatedly with The Batman, leaves straws behind at the scenes of his crimes. Besides using conventional means of terrorizing his victims and opponents, the Scarecrow has also devised various scientific means of affecting the human brain to create the sensation of fear. It has become apparent over the years, however, that Crane himself is subject to fears, including the fear of capture by The Batman.

POWERS & WEAPONS
The Scarecrow is a brilliantly cunning criminal mastermind and psychologist who is an expert at creating terror. He can induce fear in a person by affecting his or her mind with a special fear-inducing gas, high frequency waves transmitted by electronic devices, or a fear-inducing pheromone chemical.

The Scarecrow has little skill at hand-to-hand combat [I just love how every single entry has to give a shitty, generalized description of their brawling ability.].

Cheetah #1

I spent about five minutes tilting this cover back and forth trying to look at Cheetah's boobies through the spray of blood.

Sorry, Cheetah. But you get my Birthday Post, being my first post of the day on my 42nd Birthday.

Here's the thing about Birthdays that all adults know: they really don't mean shit after the 21st. Unless you celebrate birthdays where you start getting better rates on car insurance, none of them really mean much after twenty-one. Sure, you have your Jesus Birthday at 33 (also known as "Hobbit Coming of Age"). And, I suppose, some people make grave note of their 27th birthday since that's the Dead Rock Star Age. And I suppose I have When I'm 64 to look forward to in a shitty kind of way. And you have each rolling of the digits into the next set of tens but that's just slowly rolling to the grave bullshit nobody wants to mark. So 42 is probably the last significant birthday I'll make any real note of thanks to Douglas Adams. I love many author's voices for a great variety of reasons but Douglas Adam's voice will always be like kittens running into the room. I can't help but be happy and enjoy it and smile and fall down paralyzed screaming, "KITTENS!"

I don't want to get to macabre by speaking about the slow, inevitable crawl to death that we all share and experience because I'm not the type to dwell on those things, but I did want to make note that one of the few people I've known that has died (I've had a relatively death of acquaintances free life so far) did so at 42. He was the brother of one of my best friends and he died of alcoholism. And there are times in my life that make me think of him and I suddenly miss him as if I'd known him much better than I really did. Whenever I think of a great myth about our lives, or get really hammered playing stupid games, or write some fabulously hilarious story, I'll sometimes think (or say to Doom Bunny (or sometimes Doom Bunny will say to me), "Al would have loved this." So here's to you, Al! You left us too soon because you were a selfish, drunken bastard with a wit that was still quick though dulled by Seagrams. But fuck it, aren't we all? Well, those of us that drink Seagrams!

One last thing about growing older. People often say you're only as old as you feel. That's bullshit. You know what age you really are? You're every single age you've ever been. You don't just remember what it was like to be twelve. You are twelve. And eighteen. And thirty-six. And seven. When young people tell older people that they just don't remember what it's like to be young, it's just a cruelty and a knife in the heart. We remember all too well. We still see ourselves as young. And, as I said, every age we've ever been. When I first began watching Sailor Moon in my mid-twenties, I fell in love with each of those girls not because I was a perv leering at young girls in short skirts (even though I was that because we are every age we've been!) but because I was still the same age as these characters. I was still in Junior High sitting in the library staring at Marilyn Mendoza for forty minutes until the lunch bell rang. I was still experiencing my first crushes and best new friendships and the awkwardness of growing up. It's all still in there and you never grow out of any of it. Your mind does not grow old. It just grows to encompass more experiences.

Anyfuck! That's it on birthday talk except for one last hope and wish: I hope I get some fucking cake later! Sorry, Cheetah! The floor is all yours now!

The issue begins with Cheetah running naked through the swamps of Louisiana as she escapes the destruction of Belle Reve.

For some reason, she doesn't have nipples or genitalia. Oh, that's right! Because it's a comic book!

Cheetah is being hunted by guards with big guns and no hearts. I mean, they begin with hearts but then Cheetah rips them out of their chests and eats them. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be horrible or endearing! Sometimes I need help navigating the intricacies of social interactions. I sometimes have to use clues that I've written down in a big book that I've memorized like The Black Hand to help me remember how I'm supposed to act around people given the location and situation. Like here, I know that this is Villains Month, so I'm fairly certain that she just did a bad thing by eating the hearts of these men. But then again, I love nature shows and she's just obeying the instincts of her true nature, and you can't fault her for that.

On her way to wherever she's going (it feels to me like she's headed to Chicago to kill her shitty father but the man hunting her to bring her back into custody is going to Idaho where her Aunt lives), Cheetah has a dream about stabbing Wonder Woman in the chest. It's hard to interpret what that means since it's such a common dream. But apparently Cheetah was raised to be knowledgeable in the ways of the Amazon. Except her Aunt didn't really know the ways of the Amazon as well as Barbara thought she did. Barbara told Wonder Woman, "I'm like totally an Amazon and shit!" And Wonder Woman was all, "Totes? Then why are you acting like a total poseur loser?" And Barbara was all, "I'm going to kill you bitch!" And Wonder Woman was like, "Unh-uh!" And then the cows woke up Cheetah.

Detective Mark Redshirt arrives at Aunt Lyta's (as in hippo!) Amazonia Ranch for Poseur Amazons to warn them because Cheetah is so fast she's already been to Chicago and killed her father. It happened off panel! But now this Detective is going to try to set foot on Amazonia Ranch which probably won't be easy because of his penis.

I'm not sure she can hear him over the sound of his testosterone.

Detective Shaw is allowed to enter Paradise Ranch because these Amazons aren't as strict as I thought they were going to be. I should have remembered that they're doing it all wrong and don't know anything of the real Amazonian Culture which never lets a man step on Paradise Island. Except maybe that one time they let Vandal Savage and Jason Blood do it. And maybe Steve Trevor although I can't remember if that actually happened or not. I think that happened off panel too.

Detective Shaw finds nothing amiss at Paradise Ranch and Lyta declares she'll be safe, so he decides to next look for Barbara's mother and brother. Lyta doesn't know where they are but she decides to remember a moment from her past after the question is asked.

Oh yeah. This seems like a good idea.

Not surprisingly (since I know how cause and effect work and Cheetah wouldn't be around if her brother beat her!), Barbara kills her brother and becomes her Aunt's champion. Aunt Lyta may have also killed Barbara's mom because she was jealous of her. But the story might work out better if she's still alive for Detective Shaw to find. Although I'm not entirely sure Detective Shaw is getting out of Paradise Ranch alive. Lyta is a ruthless monster that just wanted the God-Slayer Knife to become the Avatar of the Goddess of the Hunt. And she's probably a bit pissed off that Barbara used it on herself.

Except when Barbara returns with it, Lyta commands her to use it on herself. So I got that wrong! I must be slipping in my old age! But at least I got the part about the man being in big fucking trouble right!

I have this strange bias that any man in a tie would be easy to hunt and kill. Is that just me?

Lyta almost kills him but Cheetah saves his life. Actually, saving his life is incidental. She's just here to kill her Aunt Lyta so that every tie to Barbara Minerva has been cut. Only Cheetah is left.

Ha ha! Manhunter! Ironic!

Did DC really need a new Manhunter?

Cheetah #1 Rating: Cheetah was raised as an Amazonian. She was taught to love the hunt and to be a strong, independent fierce woman in a society of other strong, fierce women. So it's strange to see her Villains Month comic book usurped by Manhunter's origin story! Fucking men. Always trying to make it about them. And I should know! I'm one of them! Look how I've spent the last year and a half (I started reading The New 52 late) making The New 52 all about me!

Cheetah! Again! (as seen in Justice League)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Deborah Domaine
Occupation: Ex-Social Reformer, now Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: Priscilla Rich (aunt, deceased)
Group Affiliation: Secret Society of Super-Villains
Base of Operations: Mobile
First Appearance: WONDER WOMAN #274
Height: 5'7" Weight: 122 lbs.
Eyes: Green Hair: Auburn

HISTORY
A wealthy young debutante who felt guilty about her wealth and attempted to make amends by joining ecological extremist groups such as the Organization for Ecological Sanity, Debbi Domaine found herself summoned to the deathbed of her eccentric and reclusive aunt, Priscilla Rich. But before the dying old woman could reveal her darkest secret to Debbi, Priscilla Rich breathed her last.

Recoiling from the sight of the dead woman [I love that the instant of death turns her aunt from loving relative to object of horror and disgust!], Debbit staggered back against a closet and was knocked unconscious by a mannequin that fell from within, a mannequin clad in a bizarre cat-like costume. In the last instants before darkness overcame her, Debbi saw a weird figure in a reptilian costume enter the room.

Debbi awakened to find herself a prisoner in the hidden headquarters of the would-be world conqueror known only as Kobra (see Kobra), hanging spread-eagled from the ceiling of a room filled only with sophisticated projectors [Really? So "Would-Be World Conqueror" is simply what he told all of his friends he did because "Pornographer" was too alienating?]. Kobra explained that he had originally come to enlist Priscilla Rich, who had secretly been the super-villainess called the Cheetah (see Cheetah), into his employ, but since the older woman was now dead, Kobra would have to make do with a re-creation.

Despite Debbi's protests, Kobra filled the room with holographic images, hundreds of scenes, each worse than the one before: factories polluting air and water, tankers spilling oil, hunters murdering helpless seals [As opposed to well-armed and well-trained seals.]. These scenes were calculated to fill Debbi with fury, and this, combined with her sense of helplessness and a series of electrical shocks, drove the young woman hopelessly insane.

Released from her restraints, Debbi was given a costume similar to that of her aunt, and told by Kobra that she was now the avenger of wronged nature, the savior of oppressed animalkind--the Cheetah!

At Kobra's command, the new, improved Chetah battled Wonder Woman (see Wonder Woman), but when the Amazon Princess at last defeated Kobra, the Cheetah was left to her own devices, finally joining the Secret Society of Super-Villains (see SSSV), an evil organization now led by the Ultra-Humanite (see Ultra-Humanite).

At this writing, the Cheetah is incarcerated at the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane (see Arkham Asylum).

POWERS & WEAPONS
A superb athlete with cat-like grace and agility, the Cheetah is an awesome hand-to-hand combatant, less from skill than from her sheer animal ferocity. When enraged, her strength becomes almost superhuman. This, combined with the razor-sharp fingernails she wears, capable of cutting through solid steel, makes the Cheetah one of Wonder Woman's most formidable foes.

Cheetah! (as seen in Justice League)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Priscilla Rich
Occupation: Debutante [I'm fairly certain you can't actually make a career of this. Which is probably why she became a criminal to supplement her "debutante" income.]
Marital Status: Single [Darn. If she were married there would be a cheater/cheetah joke here.]
Known Relatives: Claudia Rich (cousin), Deborah Domaine (niece [Who will be profiled in the next Cheetah! entry!]
Group Affiliation: Villainy, Inc.
Base of Operations: Washington, D.C.
First Appearance: WONDER WOMAN #6
Height: 5'4" Weight: 109 lbs.
Eyes: Green Hair: Brown

HISTORY
A wealthy young society girl possessed of an almost overwhelming inferiority complex, Priscilla Rich organize a charity benefit and became insanely jealous when more attention was paid to the guest of honor, Wonder Woman (see Wonder Woman), than to herself [This is almost exactly the same reason Lex Luthor became a super villain expect it wasn't portrayed quite as catty.]. After a failed attempt at surreptitiously murdering Wonder Woman [As opposed to making a big stink about it?], Priscilla returned to her home to find her own evil persona, clad in a cheetah costume, confronting her in the mirror.

Explaining that "I am the real you--the Cheetah--a treacherous, relentless huntress," this evil persona took hypnotic control of Priscilla, commanding her to make a real Cheetah costume in her image. Then, Priscilla Rich, in the guise of the Cheetah, embarked on a life of crime.

Several times over the next few years the Cheetah attempted to kill her arch-rival, Wonder Woman, but the Amazon Princess always defeated her, returning the captive Cheetah to the Amazons' special Reform Island, in hopes of finding a permanent cure for her schizophrenia [Did Wonder Woman make the diagnosis? And is that really justice? International kidnapping?].

POWERS & WEAPONS
A superb hand-to-hand combatant and Olympic-level athlete, the Cheetah is possessed of cat-like grace and ferocity. Her fingernails are razor-sharp claws, capable of slicing through solid steel [So far from these old Who's Whos, I've discovered that female villains could kill by kissing, sex appeal, and fingernails. If I read more, I'd probably discover nagging, housekeeping, and child-bearing among their other super powers.].

Eclipso #1

I suppose the Purple Diamond just doesn't sound very frightening.

Can you believe there are people out there that really like this character? They're probably the same kind of jerks that like The Creeper too! And Jack Kirby's Demon! Whoever likes those characters is probably the most boring person in the world.

Ha ha! Just kidding, jenstansfield's husband! I hope I made you cry! I mean didn't make you cry! Whatever. What do I care? Your wife calls me Cunty McDickhole.

Speaking of The Creeper and The Demon, I sense a theme with these characters! They're people taken over by other creatures who do horrible and monstrous things! I deduced that all by myself without Lord Google's help or anything! And then after returning to normal, Jason Blood/Jack Ryder/Bruce GordonGordon Jacobs get to look shocked and play innocent and point out how it's not their fault (of course The Creeper wasn't always this way). No wonder somebody would look up to these characters! They get away with anything they want and then blame it on some fictional "evil side."

jenstansfield: "Who ate the last piece of cake I was saving for when I finished off these last three bottles of wine?!"
The Husband: "What? I don't know! How odd!"
jenstansfield: "Why is there red frosting all over your Jack Kirby Demon t-shirt that Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea covets?!"
The Husband: "Oh my! How did that get there? I did have a dream of a dank beast huddled in the corner of the kitchen in the dark tearing into a great big fuzzy cake."
jenstansfield: "Fuzzy? Oh my god! Where is Leela?!"

I should read Eclipso now that I've creeped jenstansfield out with my knowledge of her I've gleaned from her Tumblr. I mean, now that my dark, evil, monstrous half did all of that stalkery weird crap just for a joke dialogue that was probably a spot on rendition of her life at home. Especially the drinking part!

I should put all of my Followers' names into a hat and draw one out to write about each commentary! Except who has a big enough hat for that?

Disgraced physicist Gordon Jacobs has hidden himself away in his home due to his Solar City project ending up in disaster. If it's anything like his old Who's Who entry then he became Eclipso and destroyed it himself. If it's different than that then he probably just got drunk and leaned up against a solar tower that wasn't properly secured and knocked the entire city down like a bunch of dominoes. But now he's just received a package with a Black Diamond in it and he believes it's his cure. For either alcoholism or Eclipsoitis. I can't be sure which.

How is he supposed to let you out, little Eclipso? Cut out a paper moon and hold up to block the sun? Now I want to download that song.

I don't repeatedly watch movies very often but I've probably seen Paper Moon about six hundred times. I'm probably exaggerating. It's probably closer to twelve. But that hardly sounds like a lot so I had to pad my case for being the biggest fan of that movie ever! I really like that part where the guy does that grift and the little girl smokes and swears a lot. So good.

Gordon acts surprised at the little talking demon in the diamond. I think Gordon was working with Black Diamond dust to control the raging impulses of inmates in Arkham. I might be mixing up some characters since Team 7 was so long ago. But since Gordon thinks the Diamond can help him, he must at least know of the research with it. And maybe he's suffering from mental illness and he just flew into a rage at the Solar City unveiling. Whatever he knows about the Black Diamond, he certainly didn't know about Eclipso until this moment. And he's going to get to know a lot more about him when Ultraman shoves the moon in front of the sun.

Eclipso explaining the beginning of creation in the only way that Dan DiDio knows how to make a story sound profound and important.

The first time I spoke with a little man in a crystal, I instantly believed everything he said and became a believer in God on the spot. Of course he told me God was an Ewok. But why should I doubt him? He gave me evidence of God by making words out of sounds! That alone should be a proof of God! How could evolution produce vocal cords that just happen to be able to pronounce the words of every language? What are the chances?!

Next comes a double-page spread and I realize why Dan DiDio took over writing duties for this issue. It's because he has to tie all of the Black Diamond Probability stories together so that they make some kind of sense. Although that crossover actually already made sense. Which is weird. Maybe it's because Scott Lobdell wasn't a part of it. Although I'm fairly certain he takes a shot at Ann Nocenti.

See? He's saying his time with Catwoman was so ridiculous that it brought him close to despair! I think we all know how you feel, Eclipso.

Eclipso convinces Gordon to cut himself with the diamond as Bennett (Gordon's ex-fiance's father who financed Solar City or something) drives up to his residence out in a fairly excluded area. Which is weird because I'm fairly certain Dr. Gordon Jacobs received the Black Diamond in Gotham City in a scene from a comic book title I can't remember. The scene in this issue where the Black Diamond is delivered seems to be a rewrite of that but I just can't remember what comic it was in. Oh no wait! I got it! Totally different.

Catwoman #16 has Trip (Catwoman's fence and manager for a few issues) delivering the Black Diamond to the home of "Bruce Gordon" where it's accepted by a man named Alex Montez. Those are both the names of characters that have been Eclipso's host. I guess DiDio didn't like that direction and maybe that's a bit of a hint as to why Eclipso feared he would never find the right person because Alex Montez was a likely candidate having hosted him in the Preboot Universe and since Montez was the man who did the experiments at Arkham with the Diamond. Maybe it was Alex Montez that sold this bit of Black Diamond to Gordon Jacobs via eBay after he decided to go another direction with his experiments at Arkham.

As Bennett approaches Gordon's house, Ultraman pushes the moon in front of the sun. Eclipso kills Bennett while Gordon flips the fuck out over this sour deal from inside Eclipso's mind. Apparently Gordon never read Faust. Or saw Little Shop of Horrors. Because now he's stuck with his little devil as it whispers things it can give Gordon if only Gordon does as it says. And thus Gordon decides to hold off on getting rid of Audrey II the Black Diamond.

Eclipso #1 Rating: Maybe as a solitary, stand-alone issue, I'd have thought this was okay. But it has Dan DiDio's continuity stink all over it. He was so desperate to have Eclipso be both part of the stories told in the Black Diamond Probability and to also be separate from any flaws of that story, that he kept the history and then shoved the Black Diamond into the hands of someone that had nothing to do with that crossover at all. In other words, Dan DiDio (or his monster half!) got to eat his cake and the cat too.

Eclipso! (as seen in Team 7)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Dr. Bruce Gordon
Occupation: Physicist
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Mobile, most recently, Los Angeles, California
First Appearance: HOUSE OF SECRETS #61
Height: 6'1" Weight: 195 lbs.
Eyes: Blue (as Eclipso: Red) Hair: Blond

HISTORY
While on the island of Diablo in the South Pacific to film a solar eclipse, Dr. Bruce Gordon was confronted by a local seer named Mophir, who attempted to kill Gordon for defying local customs [Seems reasonable.]. Lunging at Gordon with dagger upraised, Mophir managed only to cut Gordon with the strange black diamnod clutched in his other hand before the sheer momentum of Mophir's charge carried him over a cliff to his doom. Grateful to be free of Mophir's tyranny, the island's natives gave Gordon Mophir's costume and black diamond.

Months later, as Gordon was about to dedicate Solar City, the crowning achievement of his career, a second solar eclipse occurred in the South Pacific and Gordon found himself transformed into someone else, a being of awesome power and awesome evil who called himself Eclipso! Wielding the black diamond as a weapon, Eclipso destroyed Solar City before a blinding burst of light transformed him back into Bruce Gordon.

Recovering from his shock, Gordon deduced that his body, cut by the mysterious black diamond, had somehow been affected by the emanations from the first solar eclipse and that the second eclipse had triggered his transformation [Deduced might not be the right word here. Fucking shrugged his shoulders and muttered "What else could it be?" is probably more apt.].

For he next several months, Gordon found that any eclipse, real or artificial, would change him into Eclipso [So when he walks in and out of shadows between buildings in downtown Gotham, does he break out into Eclipso in the shade and scream, "ECLIPSO IS HERE!" And then becomes Bruce again as he steps into the light? Shadows are artificial eclipses, right? I just deduced that!], who would wreak all sorts of havoc that Gordon would later have to repair. Ultimately, Gordon developed an ultraviolet ray gun that he hoped would turn Eclipso from evil to good [That was another scientific deduction because fucking ultraviolet light, dude!]. Instead, it somehow affected Gordon's body, splitting him and Eclipso into two separate beings [I could have told him that would happen. Amateur.]. Now able to confront his evil alter ego [They went to couples therapy?], Gordon became Eclipso's most relentless foe, thwarting the fiend repeatedly until he could use a blinding flash of light to return Eclipso to his body.

For a while, Bruce Gordon was employed by Ferris Aircraft, developing his own solar-powered aircraft. This led to several confrontations between Eclipso and the Emerald Crusader called Green Lantern (see Green Lantern II/III). At the end of their latest conflict, Eclipso was apparently destroyed by a high-intensity laser beam of his own devising [Except he wasn't! Instead he was building his base on the Dark Side of the Moon and laughing, "Ha ha ha! I shall be Eclipso forever here! Wait! What the fuck?! The sun! BUT IT'S THE DARK SIDE OF THE NOOOOOOOOOO!"], and Bruce Gordon left Ferris to seek his future elsewhere.

POWERS & WEAPONS
A superhumanly powerful and savage hand-to-hand combatant, Eclipso's greatest weapon is his black diamond, actually some sort of alien meteorite [FROM HELL!]. Held to his eclipsed eye, it fires a frigid beam of impenetrable black ligh; held to his uneclipsed eye, [It just makes everything squiggly and fuzzy.] it projects a beam of destructive laster-like light.

While any sort of eclipse, solar, lunar, etc. [You know, the myriad other ones.], can free Eclipso from Bruce Gordon's body, only a burst of bright light will return him to Gordon's body [Worst weakness ever. "Hey Marge! Is that Eclipso rummaging around our back shed again? Hand me the Maglite, willya?!"]. For a time, an artificial eclipse would only change Gordon into Eclipso, not separate the two, but that seems no longer applicable.

Black Hand #1

Geez, Hal. You suck. First you get chained to an asteroid then to a tree all the way over on Earth 2 and now to a gravestone!

I have a pretty shitty theory about Forever Evil so I thought I'd put it out there. There are probably more arguments against it than for it but since this is comic books I'm talking about, I figure anything is possible! So the events happening in Forever Evil are not happening on Earth Prime. The fight between the Justice League and the Crime Syndicate has not happened yet. The story that ended at the end of Trinity War has been paused to tell the tale of the Crime Syndicate and their battle on an Earth that was very nearly identical to Earth Prime (or Zero or whatever. But here on my blog, it's going to remain Earth Prime until I hear differently!). You have to really stretch your suspension of disbelief to think that the same events that brought the Crime Syndicate to Earth Prime happened at least once before on another world as the Crime Syndicate searched for a new home they didn't destroy. And then they end up destroying their new world and Ultraman winds up snorting all of the Kryptonite and then they need to look for a new world. And for some reason, only The Outsider and Atomica can travel between worlds to find the "Pandora's Box" which will allow the rest to follow. It gets really convoluted when looking at individual story lines and how they're going to proceed if Villains Month stories aren't actually taking place on Earth Prime. But if you consider the world the Crime Syndicate are attacking in Forever Evil is very nearly identical to Earth Prime then I imagine the events on both worlds would be nearly the same. So maybe the Crime Syndicate will defeat the Justice League and they'll be down and out for enough time that Lex thinks Superman is dead and Gotham begins to fall apart but then they'll come back and save the day. Meanwhile in Forever Evil, since it's a different Earth, Nightwing can be killed no problem. Big deal! Not the real Nightwing! And then Batgirl can follow. And whatever heroes are left after that that weren't in a Justice League. I think that's only Hal Jordan at this point?

Like I said, it's a shitty theory with a lot of holes. But this is fucking comic books so I figured I'd put it out there.

On to Black Hand. I've only read the first page with a couple of laborers are cremating bodies from an asylum when I turn the page and see the credits. Another fucking book written by Charles Soule? What is this guy doing? Trying to make as much money as he can in one month so he can take the rest of the year off? Although if DC is still giving out royalties on books, I think this would be the month to take on extra issues!

A Black Lantern Ring drops from the sky and into the pile of crazy serial murder lunatic ashes these men have dumped in a ditch. I don't know where the ring came from. Did Hal Jordan lose it? And why is Hal Jordan alive again anyway? Was that ever sufficiently explained or am I just supposed to accept the "it's a fucking comic book" logic of it all? Not having read any of the big Lantern Epics of the Naughts, I don't know how many Black Lantern Rings there are or where they go when they're not animating corpses or any of that shit. But now one is free and it has taken control of the ashes of the dead so that they could envelop and kill a man and turn him into Black Hand.

Is he going to be Black Hand this time because the Black Lantern Light will have to form his Black Right Hand? On a gathering storm comes a tall handsome man in a dusty black cape with a black right hand! DONG!

Black Hand does not need a fucking light hand. He just picks up the one on the ground and shoves it on his wrist. Good as new, motherfuckers! Time to go kill some Green Lanterns! But first, how about a tour of the old family mortuary? Which ends up getting Black Hand Tasered and thrown in a cell. It's quite possible this is the first time a super-villain has ever been captured by rent-a-cops. No offense to security guards. You guys do a great job keeping empty businesses safe and keeping word search puzzle book sales steady. I just thought that sound better saying "captured by rent-a-cops!"

Oh, I'm sorry. After thinking about that last paragraph, I should really apologize. I'm sorry to legitimate puzzle books for including "word searches" among them. That was uncalled for.

Waking up in his cell, Black Hand soon remembers that he has the power of death and undeath. Or unlife. He soon has a cockroach army which trades up to a rabbit-eared rat army which equals a single undead cat which eventually leads to a zombie cop. Don't worry, the math works out. You can trust me. I know it seems like a loss of effectiveness from undead cat to zombie cop but the undead cat can't work the keys for the cell, you know? So Black Hand had to go with a less cool minion in trade for an opposable thumb. After the zombie cop kills the other criminal in the cells, Black Hand escapes his cell with the beginnings of a zombie gang composed of about 68 cockroaches, one cat, one cop, and a drunken vandal. And with all the chaos outside, Black Hand finds plenty of new recruits for his army.

It must suck to be a zombie horde in the Era of Zombie Preparedness.

Turns out those Security Guards earlier were actually real fictional cops. Oops! I didn't mean to portray them as lazy bastards that do more sleeping than guarding. I should have portrayed them as power hungry asshole with itchy trigger fingers. My mistake!

Black Hand's army can't get to the cops so he uses his power to find something dead on or in the cops and to use those dead things to touch the cops and kill them. So he uses the dead virus inside one cop who just had a vaccination. He uses the dead tooth inside another cop's head which his partner is acually thankful for because holy fuck was he stinking up the patrol car with that rotten tooth stench. And he uses the dead sperm in the underwear of another cop that just masturbated at lunch and had some post-ejaculatory leakage when he sat back down at his desk and his boys fired that one final shot that never seems to get clear until you piss or squat. And just like that, the cops are down! Looks like they'll have to add a few new rules to their Zombie Training Manual like no vaccinations, regular dental check-ups, and no ejaculating while on the job.

Black Hand remembers what he was going to do during Geoff Johns run but because Johns had so many children in the fire, he couldn't maintain all of his plot threads. So Black Hand heads back to Shady Vale Cemetery to speak with Hal Jordan's father, the corpse of Martin Jordan. But what did he want from him? Some dirty Hal Jordan teenager secrets? To know Hal Jordan's middle name? Hmm, I don't know what else a father would know about his son!

Oh. That's what he wanted? I bet I know the first thing he's going to do with his new right hand!

Umm, yeah! Exactly what I was thinking!

Black Hand #1 Rating: If you're into all of this Green Lantern, Black Lantern, Rainbow Lantern crap, maybe you liked this issue. I don't know! Maybe you didn't like this issue because it wasn't written by Geoff Johns! I'm not even a comic book reviewer but now I'm supposed to tell you if you'd like this issue or not? What gives me the right? Who am I? I don't know anything! Especially about all of this Green Lantern crap. But I did like this issue. Once again, it felt more like a back-up story than a main arc. Maybe that's because Charles Soule is writing so damn many of these things, his stories have been stretched out to fill twenty pages when they probably really just need half of that. Anyway, Earth is kind of fucked with Black Hand raising the dead everywhere. I think Power Ring is going to have to deal with him. Except he probably shits himself and faints whenever he sees a dead body.