Han Solo and the Lost Legacy by Brian Daley (1980)

In this exciting adventure starring Indiana Jones in space, Indiana Jones (played by Han Solo) goes on a treasure hunt to find treasure. I don't think this is a spoiler because Han Solo isn't a rich bastard when we first meet him in Star Wars but he doesn't get a whole lot of treasure at the end. It turns out the treasure is so old that the things people thought of as "treasure" a long time ago in a galaxy sort of far away aren't worth much any more.

I guess I wasn't too woke as a kid when I first read this book because, back then, I don't remember constantly thinking as I read this, "What gives Han the right to take this treasure from the people who have already discovered it? When does a 'lost treasure' suddenly become the property of the people who found it rather than up for grabs to any person jerky enough to think they deserve it?" Han Solo and his treasure hunting buddies kill a lot of people who were just holding on to the treasure they found because Han Solo somehow decided the treasure didn't belong to anybody. How fair is that?! That penchant for believing treasure only belongs to the first white man that comes along to steal it is another reason this should have been an Indiana Jones book and not a Han Solo book. Aside from the lasers and spaces ships, of course. But how hard would it have been to just make the lasers into pistols and the space ships into zeppelins?

If you think I'm making a big deal over some some kind of newfangled social justice way of thinking then you're just pointing out that you're a jerk because nobody in their right mind (and I wasn't in my right mind at eight. I was in my eight year old mind. That kid also didn't understand how Dungeons & Dragons was about the human/dwarf/elf privilege to raid the homes of orcs and kobolds, murder them, and steal their life savings) should be able to read this without thinking Han Solo was being a gigantic, greedy butthole. Sure, he's never been too keen on following the law. But his moral compass has never been this out of whack. The labor droid Bollux shows more ethical clarity in this book when it tries to stop the war machine robots through diplomacy before resorting to violence!

I would like to get over this aspect of the book because aren't all stories about treasure hunters simply stories about people stealing artifacts from people with less power? Should I really be bothered by that?! I mean, I can get over Han Solo firing first and killing Greedo in cold blood because it was the only way he was getting out of that situation alive. Plus, bounty hunters know what they're getting into. And I'm okay with Han Solo breaking laws while smuggling because he knows what he's getting into and the consequences of his actions if he's caught. But I'm far less enthusiastic about a Han Solo who realizes the treasure he is after is in the hands of a whole race of people on a planet and he decides those people don't deserve the treasure simply because he wants it. And in quite a few cases, those people don't even deserve to live because they're using deadly force to defend the treasure which is theirs.

I'm glad Garfield has never shown this lack of ethics in his strips. He may be a cynical douche but at least he's just thinking his terrible thoughts to himself.

Han Solo's Revenge by Brian Daley (1979)

The cover of this book looks like a record album. Chewbacca probably played the keytar. Han Solo sang and jumped into the crowd and also he sang poorly. Sometimes his pants would rip and you could see his junk pressing against his sheer space underwear. But this book isn't about Han Solo's new wave space band. It is about Han Solo getting revenge. And even though I finished this book, I don't know if he got it. I'm not even sure who he was getting revenge on. If he was getting revenge on Zlarb the slaver then the book was over in the first few chapters.

That isn't a spoiler because I don't think spoilers count if they're about stuff that happens in the first few chapters. Unless you're the kind of person who thinks the synopsis on the back of the book is also a spoiler. Then fair point, mate. I just spoiled this book.

One chapter is just an entire chapter of Chewbacca acting like MacGyver except more gross. He turns the corpse of a flying lizard into a hang glider with the help of some surveying equipment. The chapter wasn't as exciting as it would have been in the movie of this book; it just made me think, "Brian Daley really knows a lot of hang-glider vocabulary. He must really be into hang-gliding."

I suppose not every chapter has to be completely relevant to the revenge plot (although during the chapter where the entire mystery is explained by the sentient otter, we learn why this chapter was included). Some times when Garfield sits around hating Mondays, I just enjoy the cynical resentment of an arbitrary day of the week and I don't complain that Garfield isn't moving the plot. So I guess that's a good defense for the Chewbacca hang-gliding from a corpse chapter. Although that sentence is also a good defense for that chapter. Why wasn't that scene in the movie "Solo"?

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #61 (Third Thursday of January 2026)

E!TACT #61
Batman: Shadow of the Bat #13, Invasion: Book One, Eclipso: The Darkness Within #1, Cerebus #39, and Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!!
By Grunion Guy

Comic Book Reviews!


Why's that balding guy wearing Batman's outfit under his suit?

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #13 (June 1992)
By Alan Grant, Norm Breyfogle, and Adrienne Roy

I don't know how people do it. How they begin a new life in middle age or later, I mean. Not that I'm considering that! It's just this story about a drunk who lost everything and wound up living on the street who accidentally learns Batman's secret identity got me thinking about it. The man in the story lost his family and business and turned to alcohol before becoming homeless and while that's one hardship I can hardly imagine, the thought that's actually burning uncontrolled through my brain right now is how somebody young losing their twenties and maybe even their thirties to drugs and alcohol and a transient life ever feels that life can actually be anything more. I'd constantly feel sad and hopeless about the life I had lost and the futureless life ahead of me. Maybe I'm looking at it through the eyes of a bit-too-old-for-change man. I once found myself convinced that I was a lost soul living on the street who had made up my actual life as a delusion to feel better about my actual circumstances. But that's because I was on a fuck-ton of psychedelic mushrooms and waiting in a strip club parking lot for my friends to emerge. I think I'd be bitter and angry constantly. I can't imagine I'd ever find a way to improve my life, partially because I'd think, "Why bother? I've already lost so much time."

I wonder if what I just described is how angry incels feel about all the years they've wasted online, missing out on actual experiences? I mean, they're bitter and angry, right? Do they also feel hopeless? Is that why they become so nihilistic? I wish they could find joy in something. But where do you start when you think the world has turned its back on you?

Now all the Wayne Industries security guards think Bruce Wayne was at a gay club all night.

Pretty sure Bruce Wayne wasn't supposed to be the one yelling "A trick!" in that panel above. Also his arm makes it look like he just chugged some Gingold.

Anyway, that houseless dude saw Batman's face when his mask was torn off in a fight with Johnny Zero (just some guy named Johnny with a shirt with a 0 on it). He recognized him immediately and thought, "Hey! This will help me turn my life around! I'll sell Bruce's information to the underworld!" And he tries but he's just a nobody with a secret and as everybody knows, especially terrible, awful people, the cops aren't going to investigate when a nobody turns up dead. When Mr. Nobody (not the Doom Patrol villain for whom I'm still deciding whether or not to sue Grant Morrison for identity rights) tries to sell Batman's secret to some guy named Doc Creasey, he winds up stabbed in the back for his trouble. Doc Creasey decides that the next night he's going to hold a 1992 Zoom Meeting to auction off Batman's secret identity. But Mr. Nobody doesn't die in the alley he was tossed; he wakes up just long enough to see Batman swinging through the morning sky and thinks, "I may have fucked up my entire life but that guy's got purpose. I should probably tell him what I did so he can get Doctor Fate to erase the mind of Doc Creasey." So he drags himself to Wayne Industries (or Enterprises? I don't know!) and confesses.

"I do it for the massive erection I get from breaking bones and punishing criminals!"

Mister Nobody makes sure to die because DC can't have extraneous people running around knowing Batman's secret identity. Luckily, Doc Creasey also dies later because, you know, of what I just wrote. Batman doesn't have to kill him; he just has to interrupt the auction (which actually becomes a kidnapping when The Joker decides he also doesn't want to pay for the secret) where somebody else does the killing for him. Standing amid the corpses of all the people who almost blew his secret identity, Batman thinks, "Another successful job by The Batman!"

The Ranking
I like how this issue told the story of how Batman lies to himself about the reasons why he fights crime when he could live the rest of his life on a yacht surrounded by hot women in bikinis. "Oh, I do it for the nobodies, man! Totally! Not because of my crippling PTSD, childhood trauma, and severe OCD at all! I'm like, um, Superman! Yeah! I do it for truth and justice! Go me!" Okay, Batman. If you want to believe it, I guess I'll pretend to believe it too.

Invasion! Book One: The Alien Alliance (October 1988)
By Keith Giffen, Bill Mantlo, Todd McFarlane, P. Craig Russell, Al Gordon, and Joe Rubenstein

When I first purchased this comic in 1988, I probably gasped at the "80 pages! No ads!" bit. But now that I'm thinking about writing about it, that just sounds exhausting. Good thing I've decided to resurrect my Newsletter format where I barely discuss the comic book, if at all! This'll be a breeze! Let me just type out "The Dominators invade Earth and kill a lot of people." Is that good enough?

No, it's not! Because to my surprise, this is the first comic book in my collection that has Todd McFarlane as the penciller! Holy shit! I didn't think I owned any comic books by him! Did they hire him to draw the Dominators because he was adept at fitting too many teeth in people's mouths? I don't know if Todd was known for that; I'm projecting my knowledge of Rob Liefeld onto Todd. Sorry, Todd! I know you actually grew as an artist over time!

Like, you probably eventually learned how to draw feet, right? Right?!

This comic book written in 1988 begins more woke than any other modern comic book (and I don't mean woke in, like, punching Nazis or Superman being a compassionate role model or whatever weird fucking shit those right wing idiots think woke means): the Dominators themselves declare that Earth is scary frightening because the Earth people's diversity makes them strong. Also probably their meta-genes. Maybe mostly their meta-genes. But they sure do go on and on about how they and the Khunds and the Durlans are basically the monocultures of alien life (I mean each species is a monoculture unto itself and not that all three are mix and match species). So right away, we see a group who thinks of themselves as the superior race in the universe, a group that are all exactly the same and love it that way, show intense fear and hatred for diversity. And also meta-genes!

Let me be clear: it's not the good guys obsessed with the purification of race in this book.

The titular "Alien Alliance" forms with nine different races. Todd McFarlane may have done the pencils with P. Craig Russell doing the inks on this chapter but take a look at this page and tell me if it screams "Keith Giffen" to you? Yes, he did the plot and breakdowns.

Could this page have been part of the breakdowns that Todd basically just redrew? Or traced?!

On closer examination of all the races, I notice the Psions seem to be different than I remember them. Aren't they usually more lizard-like? Is that another race I'm thinking of?! Maybe I'm just remembering all that shit David Icke revealed about the royals.

The first chapter ends with the alliance of nine races formed. The second chapter tells the story of the prisoners. The Dominators want to destroy Earthlings because they fear their potential, especially if they ever begin working together. But the thing that makes them special, the meta-gene, means the Psions want to take as many of them prisoner as possible. To vivisect them and discover their power. Along with whatever humans they can capture (like Adam Strange), they're also imprisoning any other aliens who try to fight back. This includes Brainiac of L.E.G.I.O.N. and all of the Omega Men who weren't killed while being captured. Adam Strange has been imprisoned with the normies but he wants to break out and find the place where they're keeping those with powers in the hopes to recruit them for a revolution against their keepers. This all takes place as the Dominion and their allies move the fleet within range of Earth's system to begin their assault.

Yeah, okay. This isn't Keith Giffen's work. Sure, sure. Todd did this. *WINK*

The invasion begins in Australia because the only super heroes there are gay and there's only like, what, two of them? I meant "gay" literally there and not in "lame". I am not an immature dweeb from the '80s. I mean, I was. But I'm not now! They easily defeat Australia to set up their base of operations. I think I remember the aftermath of some of this in Justice League International.

Chapter Four is both penciled and inked by Todd McFarland and, well, yeah it is.

Yep. Checks out!

Sixty-seven pages in and there hasn't been an appearance by a single super hero. Unless you count The Omega Men which, of course, you don't. Also Adam Strange but, I mean, you know what I mean.

A few pages are devoted to The Spectre being told by the Lords of Order not to interfere or else the Lords of Chaos might join up with the aliens. I thought The Spectre works for God not the Lords of Order? Not that it matters since the Lords of Order are basically concerned that if any magic wielding being participates in the defense of Earth, the Lords of Chaos may see it as interference and give them a right to interfere too. But if the Lords of Order have the option to interfere, why don't the Lords of Chaos interfere? What do they care about maintaining balance? They're chaos, man?! The Spectre seems to think he has to obey orders from the Lords of Order (oh? Is that why they're called that? They can order people around?!) so he rushes off to make sure none of the magic heroes take part in this battle. Boring!

Page 73 gives us the first appearance of an actual hero (The Spectre is not a hero. He's God's Vengeance or some nutty shit): Tasmanian Devil. See? Gay! The rest of Earth's heroes are told to stand down until they hear the Dominator's demands. When they come, they're told to stand up because Earth isn't giving in to the demands which are to give up the heroes. So politicians decided to fight instead of backing down and allowing fascists to take over? That's the most unbelievable part of this story so far!

The Ranking!
Was this 80 pages of prologue? I think this was 80 pages of prologue! The most exciting part of the story was when The Omega Men were battling the alien alliance and you know how exciting I found that? I'll let you know by telling you this: there's a fucking reason I don't own Lobo's first appearance. Because The Omega Men comic book looked like it sucked assholes! I don't know if it did but I saw it on the shelves month after month and I thought, "That looks stupid." Yeah, I know I'm the stupid one now because my favorite character of all time, Lobo (maybe tied with Ambush Bug), wound up appearing there first and I could have owned that shit off the shelf! Although luckily, for no reason at all, I was collecting DC Comics Presents back then so I do have Ambush Bug's first appearance! Yay for young me actually doing one thing fucking right!

I didn't realize that was an actual plastic diamond on the cover until I re-scanned it because the first scan was out of focus. Because of that fat old diamond.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within #1 (July 1992)
By Keith Giffen, Robert Loren Fleming, Bart Sears, Randy Elliott, and Mark Pennington

Hey! My Eclipso: The Darkness Within comics! Now I can box them with the Eclipso comic run (which was a huge mistake because they just couldn't get the tone right. Man, the concept fell apart so fast!)! It's kind of insane that my boxes of comic books have absolutely no organization to them. I think they're mostly by when I bought them and shoved them in the box. These probably haven't seen the light of day for thirty years!

Let's get this out of the way immediately and also this might not be a long review so I want to make sure I say this: I could not stand Bart Sears' art at this time. Everybody looks like they're roided out and constipated (just look at the cover!). In 1992, I had yet to cultivate my comic book tastes so I just purchased comics featuring whatever comic book character I liked and/or whatever huge Summer Event DC was trying to sell me. Eventually, I began to buy comics based on the writers and, less often, the artists. I'm not sure I ever refrained from buying a comic because I didn't like the artist but I definitely didn't buy comic books because I couldn't stand the writer. But that was a short period of years between "buy anything with characters I'm interested in" and "buy every single book DC publishes". The period between those two moments were the only time that I read a majority of Marvel books. Because all of the writers I loved had gone to Marvel!

The story begins in 1890 when Bruce Gordon (at least I'm assuming it's Bruce Gordon? Does he gain immortality when infected with the black diamond?), apparently travelling on the same boat as Joseph Conrad traveled on that served as inspiration for Heart of Darkness, braves the jungles of Africa to find the legendary Black Diamond (which is called "The Heart of Darkness"). He finds it, kills his partner, has the gem cut up into 1000 tinier gems, and, well, that's the prologue! 100 years later, we learn about Eclipso's secret base on the Dark Side of the Moon which we know means that the sun never shines on it. Because if the sun did somehow shine on the Dark Side of the Moon, which it totally doesn't, not ever, Eclipso would be destroyed. Luckily, at least in the DC Universe, the sun never shines on the Dark Side of the Moon. Somehow.

Oh, that's how. It's just a deep crater with anti-sunlight technology.

Valor is the first person to discover Eclipso's evil lair on the Evil Side of the Moon in Evil Crater. Probably because DC really wanted to make Valor happen. Did it work? I don't fucking remember. I know I bought in, at least for a little while. I own the first issue of his series if not a few more after.

Valor's easily possessed within Eclipso's palace which gives Eclipso an idea: invite all the other heroes to his house for a possession party! Or maybe just use Valor to go out and possess more heroes. Eclipso makes sure to mention how Valor's obviously more powerful than even Superman so the fans would be all, "Oh? I should check out this Valor guy! Is he starring in his own book yet?!" The answer to that question was "No! But wait until September! Hoo boy, it'll be the biggest event since the Death of Superman! I mean it'll be the biggest event until the Death of Superman!"

Bruce Gordon appears next and he's obviously not the guy from 100 years before because even though he has exactly the same roided out and constipated body type, his hair color is different. Bruce studies the black diamond to try and figure out how it's attached to making him turn into Eclipso when he stubs his toe or gets cut off in traffic. But he just can't figure it out. Until it begins to react like a sperm attracted to a hot, sexy egg. It swims to the edge of the petri dish so Bruce concludes that it's trying to get somewhere. Bruce takes it along like a little sperm bloodhound and they head out to find a sexy ovum.

Oh yeah! Baby making time!

Actually it's murder time. But you probably guessed that because the picture that should have been a sexy naked lady was an angry Eclipso-faced and fully dressed woman with a knife. My erection nearly flagged when I saw that. But then it just got harder for some reason? Hmm, I'll just note that down to discuss with my therapist.

Bruce finds a second Black Diamond on the woman possessed by Eclipso after he defeats her by shining a flashlight at her. How was this a huge summer event if Eclipso can be defeated by pointing a three dollar light at him? Oh, wait. I remember. Gordon's little gizmo actually produces "sunlight" or something. That's why there was an earlier scene to show that his flashlight's bulb was burnt out so he had to take his special Anti-Eclipso light gun.

But now that Bruce has found two Black Diamonds, he realizes Eclipso has been planning something way bigger than just fucking with him by turning him into a murderer whenever he's slightly irritated. Little does Bruce know, there are 998 more Black Diamonds out there waiting to make people murder each other! I'm sure glad DC didn't have 998 monthly titles or they definitely would have tried to make everybody buy 998 stupid Annuals in the summer of 1992.

If only The Phantom Stranger hadn't been too busy polishing his thirty pieces of silver, he could have stopped this whole event and saved me so much money!

Eclipso takes over The Creeper next as a test case. Unless Eclipso just wants to gather up the most irritating heroes he can find. Maybe one of each? He's got boring and irritating. So next he's going after most powerful with Superman. But thanks to Bruce Gordon, leading expert in solar sciences, Eclipso's defeated before he can trick Superman into picking up the Black Diamond and getting angry. Although does Superman get angry? I guess it depends on who's writing him at the time.

The Ranking
The reason Eclipso has been tormenting Bruce Gordon all these years and not living up to his full potential is that Eclipso wanted to delay the advancement of solar sciences and solar energy and LaserTag equipment that mimics the sun's rays. The sun's light, being the only thing that can hurt or defeat Eclipso, had to be kept where it couldn't hurt him: 93 million miles away. Which actually makes you wonder: what good would an Eclipsoed Superman be? Superman's full of yellow sun energy so can he even be turned? Or can he only be turned when he has none left and then what? He's as useless as Jimmy Olsen! I don't think Eclipso thought through going after Superman first. I don't remember if Superman ever does get possessed but it probably doesn't happen in the next chapter of this story: Superman: The Man of Steel Annual #1. That's because Superman probably had like four different annuals in the summer of 1992 and it wouldn't be great if he were possessed right from the start. I was going to say I'll never find out because why would I have the Superman: Man of Steel Annual #1 but you know what? Seems like I really went for this event in 1992! Looks like I've got most, if not all, of the annuals! Oh boy¡ I used the upside-down exclamation point to indicate that I'm actually the opposite of excited.

Dave Sim was making fun of Image artists a decade before Image existed! Except Sim can draw a mean fucking foot.

Cerebus #39 (June 1982)
By Dave Sim

When I last read Cerebus, the story was in the middle of Petuniacon, a Comic-con-like convention to highlight the candidates for Prime Minister. The candidates running are Cerebus, Lord Julius, Elrod, and K'cor. Cerebus wants to be Prime Minister because Astoria wants him to be Prime Minister. At some point, his ambitions were hijacked by Astoria and I'm not sure when (if ever) he really regains control of his life. Once he's put on this course, he's too lazy or stubborn to change direction. It's possible he tries during Jaka's Story but once his life as a houseguest falls apart thanks to the Cirinists, he once again loses his free will as he feels compelled to destroy Cirin. He probably has a few more chances to do his own thing and go his own way but he's way too easily manipulated by other people, either directly or simply by their influence. Last issue he almost broke free from Astoria's grip when he attempted to murder Elrod but she stopped him because killing Elrod wouldn't be politically expedient. Although it would have been satisfying.

I think they would have been saying, "I say, I say, son, that white-skinned boy sure is leaking a lot of red stuff. Blood, that is."

Mr. Blakely drops by and patronizingly ushers Astoria out of the room. Not many people can tell Astoria what to do but Blakely makes sure she realizes that he could easily run for Prime Minister himself and then where would she be? Without a dank little aardvark to manipulate? Blakely, of course, thinks that he's manipulating events for the benefit of the Church of Tarim. He needs to find the right candidate to rally behind to either turn everything around (as the city is falling apart and the Church has self-exiled for the time being, seeing abhorrent prophecies everywhere) or become a patsy. Everybody Cerebus meets tends to think Cerebus is a patsy so, um, Blakely's probably headed in that direction. The only problem is that Cerebus is some kind of magickal, talismanic figure which fate and prophecy can't seem to touch.

Before they even begin to discuss whatever business Blakely wants to broach, Lord Julius walks through in a towel to borrow the bath. Cerebus takes it in stride. Blakely near pisses himself. Lord Julius does the thing where he confuses the fuck out of everybody around him, calls for a taxi in the middle of the Ambassador Suite, and then disappears. The taxi driver arrives moments later through the front door while The McGrew Brothers come in through the back. It's pure chaos because, again, Cerebus is some kind of magickal, talismanic figure which not only can fate and prophecy not seem to touch but which also sews chaos in his wake. Oh, and the taxi driver turns out to be The Moon Roach.

Kevitch is basically Khonshu.

We learned previously that Dirty Drew seems to be so super attractive that even Astoria tried to fuck him. That's why the voice in Moon Roach's head notices how hot he is.

After Elrod barges in to brag about replacing Cerebus as the Ranking Diplomatic Representative of Palnu (and Cerebus beats the shit out of him, proving he's a more capable warrior than Elrod) and The Regency Elf admits she wrote the graffiti about Cerebus peeing in the sink, Blakely's seen enough. He winds up agreeing to write a letter of recommendation for Cerebus as Prime Minister even though, after every person barged in, he thought he could use that as an excuse to not recommend Cerebus. But Cerebus reacted correctly each time, barely fazed by any of it.

The Ranking!
We're still early days in Cerebus's 300 issue run when it's still fun and chaotic and carefree. Sim's a master at these early days of his storytelling where most of the characters are mostly one note (and often caricatures of other characters or famous people). This allows him to play up how Cerebus is the only character with any real free will and, I imagine, it's what helped him move the story along. In any situation, Sim knows exactly how Lord Julius will act or Astoria or Elrod or The Roach. They're barely two-dimensional. They're punchlines with straight narratives. But it's how Cerebus reacts to each of them in every scene that builds Sim's story and keeps Sim guessing as to how he's going to continue. Sure, he's definitely plotted a lot of this out. He's a master notetaker who pretty much knows the beats of the story. But that's all built around how Cerebus will surprise him in any give situation as he comes up with every new plot point. Or how Judaism and Islam and Christianity would absolutely surprise Sim when his plans for the end of the series went from a parody reading of The Bible by a selfish, ignorant barbarian aardvark to Sim's own interpretation of Genesis (by way of misogyny and conservative beliefs). "Surprise!" said the religions of the Book, "You're penultimate story won't be funny anymore! It'll be a long, boring trudge of a read as you explain that there were two Gods in The Bible, one good male one and one evil female one! What a genius to be the only person in all of history to understand how the pronoun used for God was actually two different pronouns discussing two different gendered Gods! Not crazy at all!"

It's possible I've forgotten a lot of that penultimate run of Cerebus and I'm miscategorizing some of it. If that's so, I apologize to Dave. We'll see for sure whenever I get that far into the series again! But before then, lots and lots of great plots, genius characters, and loads of laughs! Especially when Oscar Wilde lays dying for ten issues! Ha ha ha! So good!

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Electric Salsa (Baba baba) by Off (1986)
After some initial "Baba baba"s and a single line, this song begins with a simple Casio beat while a guy clears his throat, blows a load, and then takes a shit. Don't worry if that was your favorite part because he'll do it again later after the Casio horns and some rather tepid verses. I find it hard to criticize the lyrics as they're in English and singer slash DJ was German (Sven Väth). You can't (or at least, I can't!) shit all over a guy because the lyrics he wrote in a non-native language are simple and trite! I mean, I'm pretty sure English was Rebecca Black's native language and I never got on her case about the trite lyrics in "Friday"! I just listen to it and dance and sing along! Also this was released in 1986 which was practically the stone age for electronic dance music. So you probably have to forgive the simple Casio sounds and one note beats, right? Although Seth could have been a little more honest about his dance groove and named it "Electric Ketchup" instead of "Electric Salsa" because there ain't a bit of heat in this tune. At one point, he refers to himself as the Master of Salsa and I would have laughed out loud if I wasn't dancing so hard. Doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie bah bah!
Grade: B-.

Moron's Moron by Scratch Acid (1986)
A bassy intro leads into a song which sounds like it could have been the B-side off a single of "Black Dog Runs at Night" by Angelo Badalementi, David Lynch and the Thought Gang. For a band labeled as "noise rock", I was surprised to find less noise and more music. Sure, there's screaming and an intense bassy build up. But you don't say you play "noise rock" and then make me listen to actual music. What the fuck, man? If this is "noise rock" then isn't all music "noise rock"? Maybe I just don't understand the definition of the genre. Should I look it up? It could just mean "music in which you can't understand any of the lyrics except the word 'fucking'". Oh, check out this line from the definition of "noise rock" on the Wikipedia page: "The term 'noise rock' is a portmanteau of 'noise' and 'rock' music." Wow! I never would have fucking imagined! I'm so glad that's cleared up. Ultimately, I don't give a shit about pretentious portmanteaus masquerading as ever more specific names to describe a piece of music. What did Douglas Coupland call it in Generation X? "Musical Hairsplitting."
     Overall, for a band named Scratch Acid playing a genre specifying that it's at least half composed of "noise", this was pretty fucking good. If I could open a worm hole, I'd take a cassette of Scratch Acid and hurl it back to 1986 to hit dopey fourteen year old me in the face so maybe I'd discover at least some interesting music.
Grade: B+.

Han Solo at Stars' End by Brian Daley (1979)

I read this book as a kid because Han Solo was super cool. I reread this book as an adult because I found it in my mother's basement and also because Han Solo is super cool. It stars Han Solo and his dog which he taught to fire a crossbow. That seems dangerous but what is danger to Han Solo? It is like an oyster before doing it.

While reading this book, I kept thinking, "Why hasn't anybody made a novelization of Garfield?" Not like the whole Garfield series is one book. But maybe one book per week of strips. I would buy that exciting book. Sometimes when I read a Garfield comic strip, I think, "This would make a terrific movie script if it were padded out a bit and introduced some exciting new characters, like a hamster that is a spy and a sexy cat that is a sexy spy." But since nobody has done that yet, I would recommend this book because it stars super cool Han Solo.

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #12 (May 1993)

The brown boundary's an odd choice.

The Cover
"I'm not negative! You're negative!"

Oh, sorry. That was just the right side of my brain yelling over the corpus callosum at the left side of brain because the left side keeps trying to stop the right side of my brain from writing a long fucking rant about how much it's begun to hate Brian Stelfreeze's painted covers. If only I hadn't gone out and purchased more issues of this comic book I could have lived the rest of my life thinking I kind of liked them. Except maybe that one that had Calendar Man sniffing Killer Moth's farts. I guess the left side of my brain, the side that apparently suffers from delusion and guilt, has convinced itself that it still likes them but only theoretically. The problem is that it refuses to come to terms with all the non-theoretically problems with the cover that the right side of my brain keeps listing, quite loudly. "Why is one-quarter of the cover just some weird fucker's face?" my brain bellows inside my skull. "And why does he have ink smudged all over it? Is it because he's actually a dictionary transforming into a man? The definition 'cadaver' turning into Mortimer Kadaver?!" It won't fucking let up. Meanwhile the left side of my brain is all, "Oh, come on. It's no worse than a knock-off Choose Your Own Adventure book. Remember the Which Way books? Those were a lot of stupid fun, right?"

"Fuck you! Fuck you and your stupid fucking electrified pink meat, you sad half a sack! The art on Which Way books was way better than Choose Your Own Adventure books! And also, stop changing the fucking subject because Brian Stelfreeze is a fucking hack! Why does Batman have long, sharp fingers?! And no thumbs? And we've seen that arched back look with that grimace on the face of the meat puppet we pilot too many times to think Batman's not getting a broom handle up the ass!"

"But the shadow hands grasping at him are fun, right? And his muscles are so shiny! What about the brown border? We like that effect, right?"

"Suck my fucking neurons, you dope! This cover is clunky, crowded, and makes no fucking sense. Also, where's the Flea? Don't call this issue 'The Human Flea' and not give me some sweet flea action."

My head was beginning to hurt at this point so I choked myself until I passed out. When I came to, I figured I'd discussed the cover enough and moved on to the story.

The Story So Far
Some kid donned a flea costume to rob convenience stores and bars so he can save his grandfather's flea circus which nobody fucking cares about because it's 2026. I mean, it was 1992 when this story came out but that's still closer to people not giving a shit about flea circuses than people caring about flea circuses. Batman began sniffing around so his grandfather told him to knock that shit off and he said he would. But there's a second issue (this one!) so I'm guessing he won't quite quit yet. Also, a man named Kadaver has escaped from prison because he's about to die. But before he dies, he wants to kill everybody else in Gotham so nobody will sing a song about how great it is that he's dead. I mean, you just can't risk it, you know? His plan is to kill everybody by unleashing a plague. And you know how plagues are spread, right? Pubic lice! I mean fleas! So the stories will probably merge sometime during this issue.

The Story
The issue begins with Kadaver heading over to the flea circus because he apparently knows how plagues are spread too!

"Closed." Yeah, no shit.

The idea that a flea circus might play a significant role in a story in 1992 is the first thing in this series that made me think, "I wonder how old Alan Grant was when he wrote this?" I figured he must have been like 80 to think this was a good plot point. He was 43. He died in 2022 at 73. I am now sad. Partly because I love a lot of Alan Grant's work but more partly because that's only 19 years away for me. And I've been doing this blog for 15 years. So, um, I'm like so close to death! Eep! Stupid mortality!

In an effort to forget whatever I was just writing about, I kept reading the story.

Kadaver robs Kemp, the owner of the flea circus. Not that Kemp has any money. But he does have thousands and thousands of fleas! I guess that means Batman will have to work with The Flea to stop the spread of the plague because The Flea is such a fucking expert on, you know, fleas. I probably speculated that during my last review, right?

Kadaver kills the old man Kemp before he and Bodie steal his fleas and flee over the rooftops for some reason.

They drove up in a car. What the fuck are they doing dancing across the roofs?!

Oh wait. Sorry, that's obviously Batman. He just came back to spy on Kemp because he suspected the old man wasn't telling him the whole truth. Kadaver and Bodie are leaving by car down below.

It's a good thing Batman has nothing better to do than to torment an old man whom Batman decided was lying to him. It's not like Gotham is rife with violent crime that he could be putting a stop to. Fucking dick.

Batman thinks exactly what I thought but a little more forgiving of himself.

Fortunate for who? Kemp's dead!

Batman just thinks he's fortunate because he spies Kadaver leaving Kemp's place. He just assumes Kadaver's working with The Human Flea because he doesn't check in with the old man. Why should he? He knew the guy was lying about something, right? He must be complicit!

Before Batman can hurl a batarang at Bodie's head giving him a life-altering concussion, The Flea attacks Batman. He saw Batman on the roof out of the window as he cradled his dead grandfather and assumed Batman killed him even though everybody knows the main thing about Batman is that he doesn't kill. Does everybody know that? Is that a secret Batman keeps tight to his chest? I don't think it is. I think he's constantly telling anybody who'll listen that he doesn't kill. And a young guy like The Flea? He really should know that. Although he does live with an old man who runs a flea circus. Maybe he's not up on all the current Batman lore that the cool kids know.

Kadaver and Bodie get away while Batman deals with The Flea.

It's rare for Batman to ask questions before breaking many, many bones.

Anyway Batman realizes that The Flea wants to help catch his grandfather's murderer and Batman eventually accepts his help but with the caveat that he's still going to jail later for, I don't know, daring to kick Batman in the face, I suspect. Luckily Batman read Kadaver's lips before Batman was kicked in the face by The Human Pubic Louse which, if anybody else had seen happen, would ensure that Catwoman would never kiss him again. He learned that Kadaver was headed to that huge lab in Gotham where they experiment on all of the animals. I think it's called Wayne Industries Labs. Or something. Don't listen to me. I'm a liar.

Breaking News!
Listen: Scott Dilbert has died and while he'd probably like to be remembered for his comic strip, he made the decision to be remembered for making racist comments and embracing a terrible ideology. He got more attention for being an asshole so he embraced being an asshole. Now that he's dead, people only remember that he was an asshole. Even the people mourning him don't care about his life's work. They just care that he was on their side.

Don't be a Scott Dilbert.

That's a warning for all the likeable people. I'm still going to be an asshole because somebody needs to look like an angry piece of shit to shame these MAGA assholes (which, often enough, are simply Conservatives at this point) as often as possible and I don't mind taking that bullet. If the people I despise think of me as an asshole when I die but the people I love remember me for the joy and whimsy and absolutely fucking amazing book and comic book reviews I've done, I'm good with that. I am a light in the dark, full of happiness and joy and overwhelming positivity and hope, but only for those I love. I will burn and bite and rip and tear anybody who embraces hate, anybody gatekeeping the pursuit of happiness for those they deem too different. Suck it, haters!

Hmm. Um. How do you return from breaking news? I guess the opposite?

Fixing Olds!
Kadaver, Bodie, and the two punk guys who seem to be more into nihilism than animal rights break into that lab I mentioned. The punk guys free all of the animals while Bodie and Kadaver head into the wing where they keep all of the deadly pathogens that would decimate the population if they ever got out. I'm sure they're storing them for positive and uplifting research reasons and not because they're planning on selling them to the military. I'm sure there's a great and logical reason that they need all of those deadly pathogens stored away for the future. I mean, no big deal killing off every Passenger Pigeon or Dodo Bird but you don't want to make the Bubonic Plague or Small Pox completely extinct, right? I bet the reason has to do with glaciers and how they're just gigantic storage units for deadly viruses and bacteria so we might someday need these ones we know about to make a vaccine or something. I'm not a scientist so I don't know all the smart reasons scientists do stupid things. I generally just assume the reason for those stupid things is because they're in bed with the American military, shrug, and go play video games.

I wish Hush's identity had been Tommy Azzman.

Bodie only now realizes that Kadaver's plan is to infect the fleas and send them out into Gotham to infect everybody. Bodie isn't into mass murder so he stands up to Kadaver and gets shot. Kadaver escapes with some Bubonic plague while The Flea captures the punk guys and Batman beats the shit out of Bodie. I mean questions Bodie as he dies in Batman's arms. To be fair to Batman (which I absolutely don't need to be because, you know, ACAB), he tells Bodie to shut up while he gets an ambulance but Bodie is all, "No, no. I accept that my time is over. And for my last noble act, I will tell you all of Kadaver's plans and the location of his cemetery lair. Cough, cough. Die."

Batman figures out where the best place in Gotham to release the fleas for the maximum spread of the plague by doing detective work and he manages to get there in time, killing all the fleas in the process. So Batman does kill! After that, he finds Kadaver about to kill himself and prevents the suicide. Not for good or compassionate reasons, of course.

Holy Christ. What a dick.

Kadaver's about to die painfully from a brain tumor, probably suffering for weeks, all while in the non-comfort of a prison cell. So Batman saves his life just so he's forced to endure that as punishment? Come on, dude. Let the guy kill himself! This is just absolute sadism on Batman's part.

The final panel of the comic book has Batman mocking Kadaver because not only is he going to jail but he's about to be hounded by animal rights groups for being "complicit in the murder of 50,000 fleas." Hopefully Batman was also hounded by these animal rights groups for the rest of the run of Shadow of the Bat. If there wasn't at least one panel in every issue after this where somebody's throwing red paint on Batman or mocking him while wearing a flea costume, I'll just assume that reality hates me.

The Ranking!
Batman played a minor role in this story. He stumbled onto The Flea while going to investigate the prison break out. Then he stumbles on the escapees when he goes to check on his suspicions about The Flea. His presence at the time the grandfather dies causes The Flea to miss the actual killers (thinking Batman killed the grandfather when he probably would have heard or seen the car in a few moments), stalling The Flea's potential ability to stop Kadaver himself. Batman was entirely unnecessary in this whole business and probably just made thinks worse overall. Plus he tortures a dying man for the pure and simple pleasure he gets out of punishing people. As if not existing anymore is less of a punishment than the process of dying from a brain tumor. Hmm, you know, it probably is, really. There's a reason people want to end their own life when they've got a terminal and painful illness. That was directed at Batman because I think he needs to hear it. Wasn't one of the whole points of Robin to help Batman learn compassion? Or, maybe, Batman just adopted Robin so he could have a kid he could punish for not obeying him. Batman really gets off on punishing people.

Postscript Review: Tom's Crossing by Mark Z. Danielewski (2025)

I forgot to talk about the title of the book! Is it important? Maybe, especially since E.L.M. deliberates on the appropriate title near the end. So, um, let's go?

Tom's Crossing (the crossing and not the name of the book which is why it's not italicized there!) is the destination where Kalin plans to free the horses. In many ways, it's just an arbitrary point on a map. It's two old posts at the boundary between the Porch property and the Bureau of Land Management acres. The posts used to be a barrier with a gate between them and a fence continuing on. Now it's a passage. But it's also a funnel of sorts in that Kalin specifically wants to take the horses through those two posts. In that way, it sort of becomes not just a point in space but a point in time. It's both the place where the horses will be free and the place where the inevitable confrontation between Kalin and the Porches will take place. On one side of Tom's Crossing sits civilization and rules and the Mormon Church and horses are saddled and reined and every word in the book takes place. On that side, everything is constrained. On the other side, everything is free: the horses, the ghosts, the mountain, the land, and Danielewski's story. The posts are like the covers of the book. Within the book, the story is constrained. The words have been set. This is how things happen. Once past Tom's Crossing, once the story is over, the story becomes free of constraint, free of typesetting, free of, say, the author's explicit control over it. Past Tom's Crossing, once the story is over, once the book is done, that's where all of the art projects based on the story live. Okay, sure, they live in the story. But they're examples of how the story becomes free and becomes everybody's and nobody's and it's own body.

One piece of evidence that this isn't just speculation and this is indeed what Mark was thinking about, during the 2031 art show, he has a visitor to the gallery speculate on the meaning of the name Tom used for the crossing. She explains that Tom backwards is "Mot", the French word for "word". Not just the horses are running free but the words, or the story, as well. In a lot of ways, this book felt like Danielewski talking about House of Leaves and how it generated such a long life of discussion after it was published. I think he knows this book won't cause that same kind of discussion. Many of the things "the audience" discusses within the book are things nearly nobody would pick up on as important bits of the story. He plays up mundane plot points as moments of intense scrutiny by those who know the story. It's gobsmacking if you take this story as merely the story being told. But if Danielewski's discussing what happened with House of Leaves (and, of course, other stories; all stories), it feels absolutely spot on how people reacted across the years to this story that took place in 1982. Also, House of Leaves was published March 7, 2000. The first art gallery exhibition of the Tom's Crossing art took place one week before that on February 29th. Coincidence? Well, if this were actual life, I'd say yes. But this was written by a person so, um, obviously not!

You can apply this theory of what Tom's Crossing means to many other themes in the book. Like, taking the quote from my review, Art with a capital A. The crossing is the passport to beyond the stars. It's knowledge and freedom and expression. It's also guarded by those who want to subjugate and control and kill. Often for the pettiest of reasons. The unimaginative and joyless will use any reason to keep other people (and horses!) from freedom. That freedom, as seen by the "Some of What Happened After" bit, doesn't even have to be anything spectacular. It can be the most mundane life. As long as it's your life.

Tom's Crossing by Mark Z. Danielewski (2025)

This is a story about a horse. Probably two horses. Maybe four. Okay, fine, all horses. It's about the Ur-Horse, probably. But seeing that it's so obviously about horses, it's definitely not about horses at all. That's called being incisive! You can't fool me, Mark Z. Danielewski! I mean, you can't fool me more than once. Or maybe not at all? I'm pretty sure I figured out House of Leaves a long time ago. Also, I don't have to print the word "house" in blue when I'm discussing it because I'm not the obsessive author who's really making life hard for himself book after book. He has to constantly print "house" in blue and alternate orange and green every time he types an "O" and I think he has to print "familiar" in pink and now he's added "ash" to the group by printing that in light gray. I'm sure I missed some. Like isn't "Minotaur" supposed to be red in early editions of House of Leaves? This guy is a maniac. I'm surprised publishing houses are still willing to print his novels. I guess after he agreed to stop his The Familiar series at five books instead of going the full thirty or thirty one like he planned, the publishing houses knew they broke him. Oh! Like a horse! Is that why he wrote a book about horses?

This is a story about stories. Probably two stories. Maybe four. Okay, fine, all stories. It's about the Ur-Story, probably. But seeing that it's so obviously about stories, it's definitely not about stories at all. That's called being incisive! You can't fool me, Mark Z. Danielewski! I mean, you can't fool me more than twice. Or maybe not at all? I'm pretty sure I figured out Only Revolutions a long time ago. Also, I don't have to print the letters "O" in alternating orange and green when I'm discussing it because I'm not the obsessive author who's really making life hard for himself book after book. Or is he just making life hard for his publishers? No wonder they balked at doing thirty or thirty-one versions of The Familiar just because Mark wanted to make each one look like the day on the calendar of the day the story takes place. He probably had so many more stories to tell in that world but the publishers were all, "Dude. You're killing us. Just tell a straight story." Oh! Is that why he wrote a book about stories?

This is a story about life. You can tell because when he mentions the various people who subsequently made art based on the story of Tom's Crossing, he introduces them based on what part of the story you're currently reading. At the beginning of the story, he describes each person by where they were born or how they knew Tom or Kalin in school. Later, as their lives move on, they're described by the various parts of the world they've moved to. Then as the story reaches the climax, every "audience" member, or "reader", or "hearer of the story", is introduced by how they died. And finally, in the denouement, they're described by where their bodies were buried, if at all.

This is a story about The Iliad which, being about horses, you might have guessed. I'm not calling Helen a horse! It's just Troy was a horse loving city! So, you know, you should bone up on The Iliad before reading it. Or not. The "audience" discuss the parallels enough for the actual reader. Maybe!

This is a story about art. You can tell because so much art was produced by third parties who heard the story that two major art exhibits were held for the people whom the story impacted and felt the need to share their feelings through art depicting various aspects of the story. It's a lot like Alan Moore's Jerusalem in that way although in Moore's book, only one person does all the art. But also like in Moore's book, the gallery burns down with all the art inside. It's also during the second art exhibit that this book does something that I have yet to fully investigate and understand. It has something to do with VEM which is never defined (or maybe is defined but I'd need to discover it on a re-read (which I'm not doing any time soon)). Maybe something like Virtual Emotional Memory? Something to do with how the art lost in a fire thirty years previously had been resurrected for the 2031 art show, now in digital recreations, many with Tom's ghost added. This "technology" only mentioned this one time by Cassandra Gatestone in 2031 probably also explains who transcribed the book by the mysterious author "E.L.M." Don't worry! That's pretty much explained by the end of the book!

Oh, on things explained within the book, I'd have to say that Danielewski goes a little too far in offering up answers to mysteries discovered within the reading of the text. Unlike David Foster Wallace in Infinite Jest, Danielewski (or E.L.M., I suppose I should say) explicitly states things that you've figured out as you've been reading, if reading closely. Not all the mysteries, of course! So many mysteries! But enough that I felt a little bit cheated in that I discovered things early on that, by the end, are explicitly revealed.

E.L.M. points out at the end that their choices of words were purposeful at every turn, even when they seemed like typos. Which is really fucking confusing when there are definitely at least a couple of actual typos in this first edition. But one thing that really fucking destroyed my mind while reading this, and which almost certainly isn't a mistake, takes place at a point when the "audience" are being described by how they died. One person in particular is said to have died a certain way and then on the very next page, the facing page, they're said to have died a completely different way. What?! What is going on?! Is this some error in VEM?!

Ultimately, it's a fucking terrific book and possibly the most intense read of my life. Danielewski and/or E.L.M. set up the climactic moment in the slowest, ambling horse's walk they can, that story horse dropping manure of foreshadowing at a steady pace, never quite allowing the reader to hope for the best, never quite leaving the reader in total despair. Just fucking fantastic.

I just want to leave this review with a small excerpt from the 2031 art show where Cal explains some of his thoughts on art to the very, very old woman.

You know what I always said when I was in the art business and people asked me why I wasn't sellin mattresses? Cal asked.

You never had any interest in puttin people to sleep?

That's very good, Cal said, pattin her arm now. He was gettin to like this very, very old woman. Art awakens. That's what I'd tell them.

That gets my attention.

It was just somethin glib I came up with to sound fancy, but now I'm wonderin here, with you, if what I was sayin was that Art, capital A, awakens us not just to the possibility of the whole but, more importantly, to the sensation of the whole, what we can't ever know but maybe now and then can get a glimpse of by how we're made to feel. Our passport to the stars, beyond the stars.

Oh, I guess I won't just leave it at that. I want to point out that this book is also political. Not political in an actual political way. But in a way where terrible people have decided things that make them seem like dicks, things like compassion and equality and diversity and community, are political. It's just another piece of art that makes me think, "Can conservatives enjoy any actual art at all? Ever? Without being judged?" I guess the answer to that question is "No!" which is why they love Fox News and any comedian whose jokes amount to calling a liberal a slur.