Justice League America #36 (March 1990)

Some people can't look at this cover without feeling aroused.

I didn't mean to suggest I'm "some people." I absolutely do not get off on crushing small animals. I'm one of those absolutely cynical assholes who finds nothing sacred but who also can't stand to see any animals come to harm. So, you know, a sociopath. The other day I was talking about the movie Pig with the Non-Certified Spouse and my voice began shaking and I began tearing up. That same day, somebody I follow on Twitter linked to the Seamus Heaney poem, "The Early Purges", and by the very first line, I was fucking sobbing. It's an incredible poem and I absolutely hate it and you should never read it if you haven't and I'm sorry for even mentioning it here. And Pig may be the best movie I saw in 2021 while also being the most traumatic thing to happen to me that year. Recommending a movie like Pig, I take the same stance I did when friends asked me if they should try LSD: "Look. I love it but I can't recommend it to you because I don't know how you'd react to the experience." Is part of being a sociopath also finding extreme value in art that completely fucks you up? Maybe it's just my age. I'm so inured to the constant yet mundane daily violences of life that I need terrible and catastrophic experiences through art to even feel anything at all. You put a trigger warning on something, and I'm all over it! Except that the trigger warning is like Kevlar, encasing me in a protective vest so that my mind can soften the impact of whatever the warning suggests. I find more value in a work of art if I'm not warned about what that art might do to me. Let me in raw! Not only am I asking to not be wrapped in a protective layer, I'm asking for my skin to be peeled away and my raw nerve endings exposed! I need to fucking feel something! And boy howdy did Pig sucker punch the fuck out of my heart!

Fuck. I re-read that poem and now I'm snotting all over the place. Maybe this story about G'nort will be diametrically opposite in the way it makes me feel so I can balance my emotions back to "constantly numb." What is the opposite of horrific grief? Hopefully it's inexplicable rage because that's usually what most comic books make me feel. And the odds of feeling that with G'nort as the protagonist are pretty fucking good.

If you think my rage explodes because of the character, you've got that other proverbial think coming. I fucking hate how writers, especially Giffen and DeMatties, treat the poor guy.

Rude.

Let's not pretend I've never called G'nort an idiot (and the implied subject of that sentence is "I" as in "I shouldn't pretend" because I know anybody who has read any of my bullshit wasn't pretending I've never called G'nort (and every single other character in the DC Universe) an idiot). But sometimes I need to let a cloud of clarity drift down around my brain which forces me to realize G'nort has been treated unfairly. As Jessica Rabbit once said something of the sort in reference to her huge tits or something: "I blame the fucking artist!" Nailed that quote. Anyway, poor G'nort gets treated like shit by the writers who wrote him in a way that allows them to feel justified in treating him like shit. Hopefully this issue will be that issue where they're all, "You know what? Maybe we're being dicks. Let's maybe stop being dicks. Let's allow G'nort to save the day for once without treating him as if he's just a stupid mutt!"

Never mind. Let's just keep the status quo.

Granted, that was how G'nort is first introduced in this comic. I guess if they're possibly going to change their attitude toward him this issue, the writers have got to establish the vulgarly low base line, even going so far as to show G'nort has been driven to a point where he's accepted his "Earth dog" status. Maybe he'll re-appropriate the slur (although why we, as humans, have decided calling somebody a "dog" is an insult makes absolutely no sense. If I had a loyal, excited friend full of wonder and energy, why would it be an insult to call them a dog?! Oh wait. I just remembered dogs eat their own shit. Never mind).

G'nort has been wandering Earth because Martian Manhunter is apparently a much bigger dick than I thought. For some reason, I had it in my head that he was the calm, cool, logical Justice League member who kept everything running smoothly. But he's really an easily annoyed, quick-tempered, gluttonous asshole. I should have been keeping track of how many times he's snapped at his colleagues. He even snapped at G'nort, according to G'nort here, telling G'nort to "Take a hike, G'nort. A very long hike." But G'nort has grown bored and it's time to test J'onn's patience again!

Meanwhile somewhere in deep space, a being known as The Scarlet Skier (who is probably a parody of Black Racer and Silver Surfer but whom I'm going to take seriously, just in case. It's like when you see somebody playing an instrument on a street corner and you stand around pretending to be super into it just in case they're a famous person. You don't want to be one of those people who get caught not appreciating amazing music! And I don't want to be the kind of person who gets caught not finding value in intelligently written comic book characters) has been let out of L.E.G.I.O.N. jail. The first thing on his list of things to do after getting out of jail is to get revenge on the Green Lantern who put him in jail. I would probably choose something less strenuous but then I've never been in prison. Maybe you just get so angry sitting there you can't think of anything except eventually punching the do-gooder jerk who put you there right in their smug face. Also their stupid and ugly face in this case because G'nort was the Green Lantern that put him there.

I should apologize to G'nort for that comment. That comment was more aimed at the jerks drawing G'nort who have decided he should look like the kind of dog only 3 out of 10 people "Ooh!" and "Aww!" over (like a Pug or a Chihuahua) or the writers who have decided he should be the dumbest Green Lantern in existence (after Guy and Hal, of course). I truly have empathy for G'nort but also I can't stand the character G'nort that these jerks have made him into. I'm complicated!

See?! Everybody is so mean to him! I feel terrible that I joined in!

The Scarlet Skier crashes to Earth and begins a fight with G'nort across the city. I wonder if this comic book is where Dan Jurgens got the idea for the Superman/Doomsday battle? Reports begin coming in to the Justice League Embassy that a mangy dog is battling a man in bright red armor.

Sometimes when I criticize art in a comic book, people will get mad at me and defend the artist by replying, "Let's see you do better!" Well, let's see them try that when I say these panels are shit because you better fucking believe I could do better than this!

I think the entire Mister Miracle page was drawn by an intern and shoved into the middle of the G'nort fight because editorial realized they were one page short just before going to print. The art is crazily mediocre (if not downright amateurish) compared to the rest of the issue. It's so blatant that I'd put money on it if Vegas were taking odds on it (which they probably would do if I just brought it to their attention).

Remember that part where I said maybe the writers were going to try to redeem themselves by making G'nort a more likable, smarter, stronger, and interesting character? It's possible I was right or it's also possible J.M. DeMatteis didn't realize how fucking great this joke was:

G'nort killing it with the banter. Beetle and Booster should take notes.

Portrayed more fairly than they should be, the NYPD arrive on the scene to arrest G'nort (the Scarlet Skier having been pounded into the subway system by then, disappearing on top of a train) and don't try to kill him. G'nort even cracks a few jokes, being totally disrespectful, and they don't even sodomize him with a broom. Instead, the NYPD freely give G'nort over to Mister Miracle and Fire when they arrive. The joke is that even though the NYPD feel it's their duty to take him back to a jail cell and beat the shit out of him, G'nort is just too annoying. So he flies back to the Justice League Embassy cracking even more good jokes at other people's expense.

Good for you, G'nort!

Back at the Embassy, G'nort begins to describe his arch-nemesis and, well, whattya know? He's a Silver Surfer parody. Don't I feel stupid treating him seriously! Anyway, the point being, the Skier is just the guy who flies around looking for worlds for the Galactus parody coming up (you know, that hand on the cover!). And that Galactus parody is Mister Nebula, Planetary Designer! So he doesn't so much consume planets as redecorate them (which can be quite traumatic in its own way. Have you ever seen Changing Rooms?!).

Instead of calling Mister Nebula to Earth for a really ridiculous issue, the Scarlet Skier, having run out of power somehow, decides to end it all by diving off the top of the World Trade Center. But his life is saved by G'nort which just makes him feel even worse. The only space criminal to ever be arrested by G'nort, beat up by G'nort, and had his life saved by G'nort. And so he becomes the most humiliated character in the entire DC Universe (up until Lobo gets married to and ass fucked by Bueno Excellente in Hitman (I know, I know! Garth Ennis using date rape as a means of "besting" the most dangerous villain in the DC Universe is hilarious. I mean super problematic!)). Unless it's after G'nort asks him to be his sidekick that he really hits rock bottom.

Justice League America #36 Rating: C. Not only do the Justice League not save anybody at all in this comic book, it's not even about them! It's about G'nort, an acquaintance of the Justice League! Get your own comic book, you dumb space dog! Fuck, I can't stand you! You stupid piece of shit! At best, G'nort is worth a two issue Giffen mini-series that he'd stretch into six issues! He's the fucking Heckler of Green Lanterns! Maybe if he'd get some dignity, I wouldn't hate him so much! I mean, I don't hate him. Remember how I said I don't hate him! I hate the people who drew and wrote him so incompetently! He can't help the way he was created! Poor dumb, ugly, stupid space dog.

Justice League Europe #11 (February 1990)

Can somebody explain to the characters of the DC Universe that Guy Gardner has brain damage so they'll stop beating the shit out of him for his abrasive personality which stems from the brain damage?! I'm really getting anxious about all this violence against a disabled person!

I've never been any good at seeing the relationship between the penciller and the inker in comic books. But this might be a good example for me of how other people do notice the differences when certain artists are inked by other artists. Based on Animal Man's mouth, I'd say Kevin Maguire was the penciller of this cover. But the overall finish isn't up to Maguire's standards (which can be a bit on the cartoonish side (which I love!)). It looks like Bart Sears came in and knocked the cartoon out of Maguire's art in favor of his more rough-edged style. Of course, it could be the other way around too! But I'm pretty sure if Sears penciled this, it would feel more like Sears with a bit of Maguire's cartoony edge tacked on. What I'm trying to say is I used to never understand how anybody could tell what the fuck an inker added to a project. But now I understand! If your penciller is really good and the inker is terrible, the art is worse! But if the penciller is really bad and the inker is great, the art is somewhat better than you'd expect! So simple!

This issue begins with Metamorpho deciding he's going to go see his kid no matter what Simon Stagg thinks. And he also wants to "see" Sapphire no matter what her caveman husband thinks. He doesn't care what Sapphire thinks because he basically calls her a dumb blonde while working himself up into a raging mixture of frothy chemicals. The reader is probably thinking, "Poor Rex! Being kept away from his child! This is absolutely the story to concentrate on!" And then the scene changes and Dmitri is all, "Hey, Animal Man, why are you at work when your wife and kids were so recently killed?" Holy fucking shit! How am I supposed to concentrate on Rex's story now that I know Buddy Baker has come to work to forget about his dead kids for awhile?! Hey, writer and editors! Maybe don't mention that shit! Or, at the very least, stick an editor's note that says, "The following story takes place before Animal Man's entire family was slaughtered and he has a mental breakdown in which he meets some guy named Grant Morrison!"

Metamorpho makes a big show in front of Animal Man, Rocket Red, and Captain Atom about how he's going to go see his very much still alive and kicking child. He also more than hints at the amount of violence he's going to do to the child's grandfather as he storms out. This leads Captain Atom's brain to slowly whir into motion as it puzzles out who that might be. When he realizes Metamorpho might be about to kill Simon Stagg, he freaks out at how much bad press that will bring to the Justice League. So Animal Man volunteers to keep an eye on him and Rocket Red volunteers to keep an eye on Animal Man. Man, I hope Rocket Red doesn't get some tragic news about his family in a few pages.

Ugh. Confirmed that Guy Gardner voted for Donald Trump. Twice.

There is no way an ex-social worker and teacher of kids with disabilities would simp for Simon Stagg. No wonder Guy was rebooted in The New 52 to be an ex-police officer! I don't like Guy Gardner being an ex-cop because cops suck dirty buttholes but it fits his abrasive, aggressive personality better than "a really decent but boring guy who suffered some serious brain trauma."

Guy volunteers to protect Stagg from Metamorpho for two reasons: he gets to punch somebody in the face while feeling heroic and also he gets to punch somebody in the face. No wait! Three reasons: he wants to eat Simon Stagg's man cream.

Now I'm suddenly hungry for a Ding Dong.

Meanwhile in Moscow, a Russian guy named Joseph with actual emotions (something we were just discovering Russians had in 1990 thanks to the fall of the Berlin Wall and Billy Joel's song about meeting that clown. Before that, we just had Sting hoping the Russians loved their kids too) has decided to help Blue Jay and the Silver Sorceress escape the metahuman gulag they've been imprisoned in since they tried to save the world from nuclear Armageddon (because, as I noted, nobody was sure the Russians loved their kids enough not to start World War III). He's arrested but he drops some magic potion that will help the heroes of Earth-Marvel-Parody escape their cell.

Speak of the Russian devils! This issue is called "Family Ties" so that's probably Dmitri's family headed for Paris!

Now I'm suddenly hungry for Mallory Keaton!

Simon Stagg, according to the headline on a newspaper Captain Atom was reading, has recently produced a new super fuel that can change the world. But little does anybody know, the fuel is just Metamorpho's baby's shit. And to keep the baby shitting out profits, Simon Stagg has hired the responsometer boofing scientist, Will Magnus. And as we all know, scientists are completely amoral when it comes to science so keeping a baby locked up in an experimental box which maintain the correct conditions for it to shit super fuel is not a problem! Especially when you've got Platinum's responsometer whirring away eight inches up your rectum.

Guy Gardner busts in on Stagg and Magnus's nefarious business meeting to warn them that Metamorpho is on the way.

"I'd prefer not to remove the responsometers from my anal cavity but am willing if it becomes necessary."

To Guy's credit, he doesn't defend Simon Stagg's kidnapping a child; Guy simply doesn't believe Stagg would even do that. So, you know, typical conservative: conveniently ignore reality, create excuses and defenses for terrible people, and ready to believe the worst of those who speak the truth about their heroes.

First Rex visits Sapphire because how should he know the baby is kept in an Imipolex egg? He knocks out Java because good and then Sapphire points out what a jerk he was to wait so long to come see her and the baby. They make it seem like she's being emotional and unreasonable but I'm on Sapphire's side! Rex knows how she feels manipulated by her father and he just let Simon Stagg take her away and lock her back up with the caveman. Instead Rex decided to pity himself and pout about it for weeks. He forgave Batman faster than he forgave Sapphire! It's possible the image of Sapphire willingly sucking down fat caveman cock put him off a bit. Although that's kind fo the point, right?! I don't think it was all that willing! Fucking Rex should have stood up for Sapphire as soon as she sought him out!

Sapphire takes Rex to the factory where his son is being kept and learns that his son has the ability to transform anything he touches into any element. So technically he really does need to be isolated because he's a danger to everybody and everything. But technically he doesn't have to be helping to make Simon Stagg even richer. Metamorpho, who is already every element, isn't afraid to hold his baby so he decides to break the kid out of isolation. Dmitri and Buddy try to stop him so he knocks them unconscious before running into Guy Gardner.

Everybody goes on and on about the the ring being the most powerful weapon in the universe and yet you could beat Guy senseless with a whiffle ball bat.

Metamorpho beats the shit out of Guy Gardner because Guy is often written as being overly reliant on his muscles and aggression even though he's not actually an idiot. So once his ring's power can't touch Metamorpho, he decides to just brawl with a guy made out of metal and pays the price. But before Metamorpho can rescue his kid, he smells Magnus ass behind him. The Metal Men have come to stop him!

Justice League Europe #11 Rating: B. Metamorpho and Guy Gardner are two of my favorite characters so even though this issue had next to nothing to do with the Justice League Europe or saving the world, I enjoyed it. And I don't mind seeing Guy get his ass kicked if it's by one of my other favorite characters! What I don't like is how Rex acted toward Sapphire though. He could maybe be a bit more sympathetic to her plight! She's practically a prisoner of her father Stagg. It's not like Sapphire chose to marry Java; it's just another way for Stagg to control her. When Simon sees Rex breaking into the lab, one of the first things he does is kill Sapphire's access to her bank account. Hopefully Metamorpho will realize how huge an ass he's been and they'll all live happily together in the European embassy with Rocket Red's kids and Buddy Baker's memories of his kids.

Justice League America #35 (February 1990)

Now I'm tempted to deface every Rothko painting with a tiny ice floe covered in superheroes.

When Kooey Kooey Kooey Island woke up and floated away last issue, much of the infrastructure on the island was destroyed. The Justice League teleporters sank to the bottom of the Pacific but, thanks to Kilowog being some kind of a technological and engineering genius, remained powered on. This was unfortunate for reasons you're probably guessing at right now.

Max Lord survives this catastrophe.

I'm a dumb person reading a dumb comic book which creates two major problems when discussing this scene. The first is that I'm too stupid to know if Max Lord should survive something like this. The second is that it's a comic book so who cares because he does. The other people who have no problem with teleporting to the bottom of the ocean: Oberon and The Huntress. The people who teleported? Max Lord, Oberon, The Huntress, and Ice. Instead of popping straight up to the surface, Ice takes a side trip into a Hentai adventure.

Me at my first Anime convention in San Jose in the mid-90s watching the late night movie which followed me crying my way through Sailor Moon R: The Movie: "Oh boy! More innocent young people finding love and friendship! Um. Wait. What?!"

The Huntress interrupts a surefire erotic story arc by shooting a crossbow bolt through the Man-o-War's, um, head? It'll probably be okay, right?! Ice is delirious from either the poison stings of the jellyfish or the lady blue balls. Luckily everybody else is okay. Unluckily, none of them are useful members of the Justice League. Not that there were a lot of members to choose from who would have been useful here. The one time Aquaman would be handy and he's off fucking around with Beetle and Booster at the Kooey Kooey Kooey Resort, Casino, and Kaiju Experience.

Is this the reason Max Lord gives in Infinite Crisis for murdering Beetle?

What is Ice going to do about it?! She's still shaken from witnessing The Huntress murder her new lover! She's going to be useless! I mean other than to make an ice floe for everybody like on the cover, I guess.

Meanwhile, some creep keeps going through the Justice League New York Embassy garbage. He doesn't reveal what exactly he's looking for but it looks like he's collecting their hair! Maybe he's going to clone them to create a whole Justice League of Bizarro heroes. And since Bizarro versions of characters do exactly the opposite of their namesakes, the Bizarro Justice League will be a competent team of super heroes who constantly save the world.

Back on Kooey Kooey Kooey Island, Major Disaster reveals himself to Beetle, Booster, and Aquaman in the hopes that he can help anchor the island to a nearby underwater active volcano. Beetle flips the fuck out because he recognizes him as the guy who won all of their money in the casino and since Major Disaster is a known super villain, he assumes shenanigans. But there were no shenanigans other than some minor card counting by a dufus and if your casino loses all of its money to a card counter, I'm pretty sure that's on your casino for not establishing precautions against smart people beating your system with one of their own. Unless Big Sir's power to read cards is magic and then I don't know what the laws are because the real world has never had to make laws dealing with magical abilities. But even knowing what a card is before it is played can only help you marginally in Blackjack. It'll keep you from busting but you've got no control over what the house's hand is. So if Major Disaster and Big Sir busted the house, I don't see anything suspicious there except maybe a really incredible run of good luck.

Since the team floating on ice in the middle of the Pacific are probably going to die, Max Lord decides to tell The Huntress that he used his psychic powers to force her into joining the League.

The Huntress reacting appropriately to the information.

The Huntress, realizing the implications of a man with the willingness to use an ability in this way, intends to murder him. And, just for the record, Oberon doesn't lift a finger to help. This raises my esteem for both characters because imagine if The Huntress had snapped Max Lord's neck and tossed him to sharks here? Wonder Woman wouldn't have had to do it fifteen years later! And Blue Beetle would never have been killed! I don't mean to suggest that The Huntress wimped out like The Batman would have done and realized killing Max would take her over a line leading to killing more easily. She definitely intended to kill Max here in the Pacific but Max, realizing he's going to die, uses his powers yet again! This time he makes The Huntress let go and forget about his confession so he can go back to seeming like a guy who doesn't mind rape people.

Max doesn't tell Oberon to forget though and Oberon doesn't shove Max into the ocean which puts my esteem for Oberon back to about where it was. Which is to say I don't really think about him that often. Max promises Oberon that he'll straighten it out with The Huntress later but since Max lives to be killed by Wonder Woman fifteen years later, I'm guessing he never again broaches the subject with her.

Major Disaster saying what we're all thinking.

Remember that thing about how I was stupid and also this is a comic book? I've never been clear on how Aquaman's power works. He can speak with fish and ask them politely to help and they always decide to help because they're so dumb? Isn't that just as bad as ordering them to do what he wants when he wants them to? And if he can "speak with fish," how come he can also speak with whales and dolphins? Does that just mean he can talk psychically talk to anything that happens to be in water? But then he sometimes talks with lizards and things, the writer at the time always saying some dumb shit about accessing the part of the brain which evolved from fish? Is he just a less stylish Max Lord from the ocean who knows better than to coerce people and so sticks to lesser and dumber animals? Oh, and dolphins! I think digging down into how Aquaman's powers work really makes me hate Aquaman even more than I already hated Aquaman which was substantial. I'd rather believe he gives them orders and they slavishly have to follow his orders or else he causes them great psychic pain. He's a terrible super hero so why not just make him a dick as well?

Also, if Aquaman and the whales are "brothers, equals working together," how often does Aquaman help the whales to move or give them rides to their whale airports? I bet somebody has written an Aquaman story where Aquaman is helping sea creatures and I don't mean helping them in a "Hey, our habitat is being screwed by a super villain in his base" kind of story because that, ultimately, is just a normal super hero comic book story. I mean he helps some lobsters decorate the ocean floor for a big lobster quadrille or something.

Major Disaster causes the volcano to erupt just as the whales push the island over the lava flow which quickly cools underwater, leaving the island firmly attached to the ocean floor. And probably causing a bunch of underground pressure now that the lava can't vent which means it'll probably blow out the side causing a tsunami which will kill hundreds of thousands of Pacific Islanders.

While underwater, Aquaman hears a bunch of agitated sharks and swims off to investigate. So maybe he does help is finny friends! He hears some hungry sharks having trouble getting some food and he's off to help them eat Max Lord, Oberon, The Huntress, and Ice. What a good friend to the fishies!

Before being rescued, Oberon notices hundreds of thousands of dollars floating around in the ocean. So even though they'll all probably be dead soon, Max collects as much of it as he can find. Hopefully, for Blue Beetle and Booster Gold's sake, he'll just manage to get all of the cash back. Maybe Aquaman can demand his stupid fish friends help collect it all. And even though it's legally Major Disaster's cash now, I'm pretty sure Major Disaster won't mind just letting it all go, as long as nobody sues, beats him up, or kills him.

I mean? Were Johns and the other writers of Countdown to Infinite Crisis actually referencing this?!

Anyway, everything works out just fine. Max doesn't kill anybody. The Huntress doesn't kill anybody. J'onn doesn't kill anybody even though he threatens to murder Beetle and Booster when they get home. I'm starting to notice a trend with this group! They're love language is pure violence! That's what comes letting Batman lead the team through fear and intimidation!

Justice League America #35 Rating: B. Once again, nobody who didn't need saving based on the Justice League's actions was saved! Sure, a lot of people stranded on an out-of-control island were saved! But they were saved by Aquaman and Major Disaster and a bunch of whales. So in a way, the Justice League of America were the bad guys in this issue, endangering hundreds of people through their actions. And their leader, Max Lord, admitted to mind rape and probably should have been killed. At the very least, Oberon should have reported him to Batman and J'onn, getting him kicked off the team or imprisoned in Doctor Fate's tower. He's proven himself to be a bad, greedy, terrible person and yet he's still just going to be the leader of this group? Kind of spoils the entire enterprise, doesn't it?

Justice League Europe #10 (1990)

Judging by Power Girl's nipple, she's got tiny areolas.

After noticing Power Girl's nipple, I then realized Bart Sears draws The Golden Girls version of Power Girl and now I can't stop thinking about Bea Arthur's tits. I often think about how much I hate my body because it's only there to provide a home for my consciousness but I know one day it will betray me and fail to provide adequate living conditions for the essential me. And then I realize, "Wait a second. What has my body ever done to me? It's my fucking brain that treats me like shit! I never asked to think about Bea Arthur's nipples!" In much the same way I eventually matured and realized that I shouldn't hold any grudges with my mother because the reason my mother and I had such a tempestuous relationship was that she actually stuck around to raise me, doing all of the hard work to keep me alive, and my father, whom I had a friendly relationship with, ditched me when I was two and should actually have all the fucking grudges, I think I've finally realized I should have loved my body way more than my brain all along! Fucking tratior. Piece of shit asshole. I'm no longer feeding you literature, you gray douche! I'm going to hang out with my dick all day from now on!

I just realized the cover says "Story by Giffen and DeMatteis" but really the story is by "Giffen and Loebs" and I wonder how angry Bill Loebs was when he saw the cover of this...oh, you know what? I bet he didn't give a fuck. Look at how shit this cover is? I'd want somebody else's name on it too. Did somebody pitch this as the cover or did Bart Sears have carte blanche to do what he wanted?

Rocket Red: "What is stuff falling from sky?"
Power Girl: "I don't know! What is this?!"
Captain Atom: "Look at my posture! How would I know?!"
Rocket Red: "Picture me looking at butterfly and saying, 'Is this money?' Because being from 80s Russia, I am broke."

I know the cover of this comic book says "Jan 90" but remember that the date on the cover of the comic was always a few months ahead of reality. So this comic book probably came out before the Berlin Wall fell! Oh, maybe that's why all that money is falling from the sky! Some kind of metaphor about capitalism raining down on the rest of the world! Also our puritanical Christian bullshit which is why the Comics Code Authority logo is also raining down from the sky.

Okay, Loeb, I get it! You'd rather be writing crime novels instead of comic books!

None of that opening narration makes any real sense. "A warm, moist Parisian evening" just makes me think I'm having sex with a prostitute three days past her last shower. And the scent of money like a thrilling drug? Have you ever smelled money? It's fucking disgusting! I once found a rolled up one dollar bill and sniffed it hoping there were some residual coke particles on it and all I did was inhale the smell of the paper and ink of it and had a fucking migraine for five hours after. Unless that was from the residual PCP on the bill. Or maybe the dollar had been rolled up to easily slide up somebody's asshole earlier that day? Anyway, that's all speculation! What is not speculation is that I smelled money and I fucking paid the price. Not thrilling. Besides, "the scent of money is like a thrilling drug" makes the least sense of anything I've read today and I've read at least three Elon Musk tweets from The Last of Dying Twitter's Twitter account. So you know this makes no sense at all! I suppose Loeb is trying to say the lure of the money, or the possibility of large sums of cash, is a thrilling prospect, so much so that it's like an addictive drug, pulling and luring you into what will definitely be future trouble.

This issue is called "After the Fox" so I guess we're finally going to get a sexy member for Justice League Europe! I know, I know: that's Animal Man erasure.

Bruce Wayne is in Paris to attend a World Food Organization event to raise money for, well, food, I guess. The host is a mysterious woman named Vivian D'Aramis whom we learn so much about in two pages that you'd have a railroad spike through your head not to realize she's Crimson Fox (or Red Fox or Le Renard Roux or whatever). I hope the ancestors of that guy who got the railroad spike through his head which completely changed his personality aren't reading this because I don't want to offend anybody! The whole point of using the railroad spike through the head metaphor was to avoid using the R-slur and offending everybody!

Maybe in much the way I use the phrase "barn owl" as a secret wink to readers in the know that I'm using an offensive term, I should use "railroad spike through the head" to replace that other word but in a way where I'm winking in a really fast and distracting way to indicate what I really mean but also so that anybody watching me would think, "What's wrong with that spaz?" But they'd probably have to replace "spaz" with something like "guy acting like he just took the six foot drop with a noose around his neck" so nobody online tsk-tsks them for offensive word choices.

A bomb goes off, knocking the gigantic globe filled with money off the stage and sending it careening into the crowd! People will be killed! This is a job for Batman! But Batman is all, "I don't know. I could save them but at the cost of my identity? I don't know. If they're crushed, it's not like me not saving them is equivalent to me killing them, no matter how many Parisian philosophers point out that, yes, actually, it is."

Just in case anybody reading this comic book didn't know Bruce Wayne was Batman, Bart Sears shits out this terrible panel. Thanks, Bart!

Bruce chickens out and decides not to blow his cover while wondering where that fucking barn owl Vivian ran off to. Obviously she's no coward and went to get into her sexy fox costume to save the day, even at the risk of her secret identity being blown. Because, Bruce, some things are more important than your little set of stupid hero rules. I wonder if her parents were killed in a dark alley so that trauma ruled her life until the day a red fox smashed through her sitting room window and she yelled, "Sacre bleu! I shall become a fox because criminals are a cowardly lot and foxes are scary to like 5% of the population!"

The enormous glass ball smashes its way out of the building without breaking because who wouldn't use a bullet proof globe if you were going to fill it with money? That's like "Big Dumb Displays of Wealthy Charity 101"! After the globe crashes onto a car in the street and comes to a stop, a helicopter swoops in and grabs it with a crane on the first try! I bet that pilot owns like five thousand cheaply made Bart Simpsons dolls. But not to worry! Crimson Fox is on the scene to re-save all the starving people of the world! You know, first by collecting all the donations as her secret identity and second by recovering all the donations as Crimson Fox! She's a true billionaire philanthropist with severe trauma expressing itself in an ostentatiously public death wish display. Not like that cowardly Bruce Wayne!

Maybe it's just me, being an American and needing everything to smash me over the head because I don't understand subtlety, but she doesn't remind me of a fox nor is she crimson.

The helicopter pilot's name is Gaston which is funny because Beauty and the Beast wasn't out yet! Obviously I don't know the definition of the word 'funny.'

Bruce Wayne, feeling more impotent than when The Joker smashed Jason Todd in the face with a crowbar, watches as Crimson Fox tries to save the day. He eventually resorts to alerting Justice League Europe about the theft which is pretty telling that that's basically his last option. I keep thinking that I've bottomed out on how much I can despise Bruce Wayne/Batman and yet almost every time I read or re-read something where the writers obviously believe they're nailing his personality and character, I hate him a little bit more. I love terrible characters too but at least the terrible characters I love know they're terrible! Like Lobo and The Demon! The Batman is a fucking self-righteous, judgmental piece of shit. The only way I can cope with Batman existing as he does in the DC Universe is to believe that Alfred Pennyworth sticks his junk in every meal he makes for Bruce.

Before Batman's signal can reach the Justice League, Loeb and Sears provide the reader with a few pages of Power Girl's tits and ass. I mean a few pages of Power Girl and Captain Atom sparring as Dmitri and Ralph monitor her power levels. It's basically a couple pages to let the reader know how Power Girl's powers have changed. And also how hot she is.

Cool, cool. Good to know. But her tits are just as big, right? Oh yeah! Thanks!

Batman alerting them doesn't even matter because as they're getting the details from Catherine, the Justice League hear an explosion overhead, go outside, and see money raining down from a helicopter with a woman dangling from it. Imagine if Batman knew he was in this comic book how annoyed he be at the uselessness of his appearance in it.

Crimson Fox breaches the cab of the helicopter, slashes the pilot in the face, and the heli crashes into the JLE embassy, specifically Captain Atom's room.

How toxic is Max Lord that Captain Atom thinks the blame for this accident will be placed squarely on him by that asshole?

I really feel bad for Captain Atom. This is the reaction of a victim of abuse! If I were Captain Atom, being that I'm also a toxic asshole, I would blame this on Power Girl's recent loss of her powers. "We didn't have time to think up new drills! This was supposed to be where Power Girl, who used to be able to fly, would catch it in midair, when she was strong enough to catch helicopters, and fly it into the air where it would explode, when she could withstand that kind of explosion!" Then Power Girl would glare at me and I'd be all, "Ha ha! You lost your vision powers so I didn't just now erupt into flames! You loser!"

The criminals are captured, Justice League Europe makes the acquaintance of Crimson Fox, and Bruce Wayne finally gets away from the bodyguards long enough to change after the whole ordeal has ended. Crimson Fox is offered a spot on the team but she refuses. But only at first because Captain Atom embarrassed her by not getting aroused while she basically sticks her tongue up his ass. Orally, of course! I mean, you know, through speech! But later she rescinds her refusal after she sends Captain Atom a new bed with a note basically saying she's going to fuck him in it. Poor Sue and Catherine! More competition!

Justice League Europe #10 Rating: A. This was a good issue! A crime happened! A crime was foiled! Nobody got hurt! And it all happened so organically! Geez, who knew I was into comic books that basically amount to vanilla sex! I'm so boring! In relation to comic books, I mean! Sexually, I can't cum unless I have something shoved into my butthole!

Justice League America #34 (1990)

I'm slightly disappointed Beetle and Booster's nickname was "Blue and Gold" instead of "Hairy and Smooth."

You thought I was going to mention Fire's huge tits, didn't you? Well I did. Just there. You're so fucking smart, aren't you?

You might think Batman is just wearing his normal outfit on the beach but it's his beach outfit which is treated to repel sand and also has cut outs on the ass cheeks. It also probably constantly excretes sun tan lotion because can you imagine how pale that guy must be? Or should be, anyway, in a realistic comic book universe where Bruce Wayne can't go from beating up criminals all night to actually having a working day life where he goes out in the sun and fucks tons of women in the evening. He probably sleeps in some kind of Bat-tanning machine which also jerks him off during the night.

Speaking of being jerked off in the middle of the night, I had a weird sex dream last night. I was back in my home town and ran into Amy Ginger whom I'm certain was in my graduating class but I only really remember her from elementary school. We ended up back in the apartment in my mother's basement making out when things turned to oral and manual manipulation. At some point, I saw that I ejaculated but didn't feel anything and commented on it. Amy treated it as if I were apologizing for jizzing too quickly but I was actively concerned that there was something medically wrong with me. Then I realized part of the ceiling was missing and sky was showing through because a tornado had smashed the house while we were fooling around. And my cats Gravy and Pelafina (who died about four years ago) had been in the house so I got really worried and ran upstairs to look for them. I found them almost immediately which was kind of my brain to allow or I would have woken up super sad. Not that I didn't wake up super sad anyway because of my stupid non-wet sex dream!

It feels good to be revealing too much during my comic book reviews again! I hope Amy Ginger isn't in the habit of Googling her name! Although if she does, she'll be in a real quandary about which of her elementary school classmates this is! I'll give her one hint: it's not Simon Raines!

Oh man, what if Simon is big on Googling himself?! I wonder if he remembers the time I was supposed to stay over his house but I didn't bring pajamas so his mom let me borrow a pair of his but they were too tight because I was a little fatty and I got super nervous and embarrassed and asked to go home? Man, I bet that was the moment my life changed for the worst forever! I probably could have been a popular kid, getting in on the ground floor with Simon! It would have opened up all kinds of friendship avenues!

The issue begins with Major Disaster lamenting his life in which he refuses to take responsibility for his failures and instead blames the idiotic members of his gang, the Injustice League. He also blames the Justice League for his failure. Then why name your dumb villain group after the Justice League? The Injustice League is a pretty shit name for a gang. Oh no! They're against justice! Look out!

Major Disaster sees an ad for Beetle and Booster's resort casino on Kooey Kooey Kooey Island and decides it would be a good place to rob. A place run by members of the Justice League seems like the kind of place you'd avoid pulling a heist but then Major Disaster has already shown he's blind to his own flaws and shortcomings.

Booster and Beetle pull off their own heist against the Justice League!

This is what happens when there's no social safety net and you don't pay your employees a living wage. They're going to wind up robbing you blind and/or sleeping with two women at once and/or burning the whole place to the ground.

Major Disaster and Big Sir, like Booster Gold and Blue Beetle, have also failed at being responsible adults which is why they've spent the last of their money on tickets to Kooey Kooey Kooey Island. I'm not sure if their plan is to rob the place or make a fortune gambling or maybe just retire on the island as a beach bum (the only sensible choice, really). I just know that, for some reason, as soon as Major Disaster saw the Justice League had an island resort, he saw it as some kind of get-rich-quick scheme. Maybe Major Disaster realized that when they try to avoid super heroes (like when they moved to France), they always wound up running into super heroes. So if he dives right into a place full of super heroes, maybe things will finally go his way!

While Big Sir and Major Disaster somehow cheat at Black Jack in the casino, Aquaman washes up on the beach to yell at Booster Gold and Blue Beetle. He finds them immediately after they get the news that Big Sir and Major Disaster have cleaned out the casino.

Aquaman showing up always makes everything worse.

Aquaman has come to warn Beetle and Booster that Kooey Kooey Kooey is a living organism and that creating a casino resort on its back will surely wake it up. Which is exactly what happens! And because the Comics Code Authority demands that crime (or gambling) never pays, Major Disaster and Big Sir lose all of their casino winnings, which they took in cash and shoved in a suitcase, when an earthquake knocks the suitcase open, sending the money flying everywhere. It's a shame because it would have been a better plot seed to let them get away with the money and build an Injustice League Satellite in orbit opposite the Justice League Satellite. Did the Justice League even have a satellite in 1989? It's only been a few years since they were working out of a cave!

I hope Kooey Kooey Kooey winds up with a Green Lantern ring! Imagine G'nort, a sentient dog, living on Kooey Kooey Kooey, a sentient island, floating in an ocean on Mogo, a sentient planet. That's practically a Planetary story arc.

The issue ends with everybody trapped on the island with busted teleporter tubes and Aquaman. It's a real tragedy.

Justice League America #34 Rating: B. Once again, Adam Hughes does all of the heavy lifting. The story is silly and non-sensical but who cares when you're looking at women in bikinis drawn by Adam Hughes! And if you're not willing to admit that you read comic books for the nearly naked ladies, Adam drew some of the other stuff really well too. Like desks and trees and poker chips.

See? Just check out the cushions on that sofa!

Justice League Europe #9 (1989)

If this is what it takes to operate on Power Girl, just imagine what her vibrator looks like.

If you're wondering why Power Girl looks so different while Sears is still on the job, it's because Sears is now doing the tracing while Art Nichols is doing the drawing. To me, the art is better in a way that doesn't mean I'm happy with it. It's just the style appeals to me quite a bit more. Although in many places, it feels a bit flat and amateurish. Just look at Superman's square-cut John Romita Jr fingers! And look at how nicely manicured he is. How does Superman clip his nails?

Power Girl is dying because she got the shit slapped out of her by The Grey Man's gigantic magic hand. Now she needs an operation for vague reasons or she's going to die! But the doctor is all, "I can't operate on this woman! She is my son!" No wait, that's a dumb riddle. I think this doctor can't operate on her because she is invulnerable. I know I didn't have to explain that to 98% of you! But my mom reads this blog and the only thing she knows about Power Girl is that she would sometimes find Power Girl comics under my bathroom sink growing up. Because that's where I kept them, okay?!

If magic wounded her, magic can save her! Too bad Doctor Fate's title is only academic!

Christ how dumb are these people? If Batman has contingency plans for killing every hero in the DC Universe, surely he must also know how to save their lives! He's probably got a kryptonite guillotine that could be modded for surgery! At the very least, he'd know what to do. Is he too busy trying to assure Dick Grayson he isn't a total failure to help out this month?

Sue Dibny calls Superman to let him know his cousin-from-another-mother-Earth is dying. Hopefully somebody smarter than Superman will explain to him how he's going to save Power Girl or else he's probably just going to repeatedly punch her in the gut until he breaks through. I read the Death of Superman. I know he never has any better plans than punching things really hard.

Batman does show up but not to help out Kara, of course. If he gives them any ideas and she dies, it could count as his having killed somebody! Can't chance that!

I hope Batman has come to talk Outsiders' business! Maybe Halo is in a coma in the room next door!

Meanwhile Wally and Ralph have it out over Ralph always mentioning how Barry Allen was a much better Flash than Wally is. I know a lot of people thought Barry was boring and Wally ended up filling his shoes so well that fans hated it when Barry was brought back. But I never followed The Flash in any form so all I've got to go on is Wally West in this comic (and some appearances in Titans) and I have to say: he's a sexist pig and a fucking jerk. Maybe that's just the way DeMatteis was writing him and I'll like Wally better now that Loeb is writing this book. He's already begun his stint by having Wally confront Ralph so that maybe all that "You're not as good as The Flash I remember reading while growing up" shit DeMatteis constantly harps on is now in the past. Although while Barry really seems hurt and angry, Elongated Man just kind of shines him on with more Barry stories, ignoring the earnest and serious conversation Wally was trying to have. I guess that's just Ralph! He's demonstrating that he can't ever be serious which is why he won't stop making his fucking neck twelve feet long and twitching that disgusting nose.

Back at the hospital, Power Girl and Superman have been strapped into some medical torture devices to begin the operation.

"Okay, start punching away, Superman!"

Do you think Power Girl had to be shaved for this operation? How lush must Kryptonian pubic hair be if nothing can trim it? Do they even have pubic hair?! Oh my god! I just realized there's no reason their genitals shouldn't be something completely alien to humans! I bet it's a fucking M.C. Escher print down there!

Kilowog, having just recently been remembered by Keith Giffen while plotting the last Justice League America issue, makes an appearance in order to build the Superman-heat-vision-head-stabilizer. I'm not sure how it's supposed to hold his head steady when he's the strongest man in the universe and just moving his head slightly probably produces more kinetic energy than when Power Girl orgasms but then I'm not a genius at building machines like Kilowog. My only genius ability is knowing how much potential energy resides in Power Girl's clit. The answer is a shit-ton.

Batman takes Metamorpho onto the roof to explain to him that Metamorpho might have brain damage after his near death and bout of amnesia. Metamorpho thinks Batman has come by because he felt guilty when he heard Metamorpho regained his memory and was all, "Oh Betsy! I better get in there and spin the fact that I didn't give a shit about him while he was lying in a coma! The same way I still haven't given a shit about Halo!" But really, I think Batman is just checking to see if Rex remembers that Batman's secret identity is Bruce Wayne.

"Also, do you like the eyebrows I drew on my cowl? Too much, you think?"

Metamorpho gets pissed at Batman, turns into a fart, and leaves before Batman can ask him, "Hey, do you remember that scumbag billionaire, um, Bruce Wayans I think it was, from Gotham? What a dumb jerk, right? So dumb! Although I hear he has a huge cock. So huge. I wonder if Clark Kent would do a story on it? Maybe I'll ask him after he's done punching Power Girl's stomach open. I mean, um, when I'm next in Metropolis!"

After Superman punches open Power Girl, the doctor goes in to, um, I don't know. Unsuccessfully try to move her organs around? Break a punch of needles trying to sew up her guts? Look confusedly at her alien insides even though the big fat liar said they x-rayed her earlier?

Yep, the third one. I also think this is proof that her vagina looks like a recursive stairway.

I wonder what text book the doctor is talking about? The Physiology of Atlanteans Who Are, SPOILER ALERT, Still Actually Kryptonians?

The surgery takes six hours after which the doctor emerges to explain how he's a garbage doctor and a total hack and how he was lying about there being any kind of text book at all.

"How much of her we salvaged"?! Are the words for "hospital" and "auto shop" nearly identical in French and the JLE seriously fucked up on this one?

When the doctor says "we," does he mean him and Superman or him and the nurses? Shouldn't Superman have been some help in identifying Kryptonian organs? Maybe that's why the doctor uses the word "salvage"? Superman was probably all, "You can lose that bumpy green thing and maybe throw out half of the leathery thing that keeps trying to bite you. And that bit that seems to have exploded from magic? Just get rid of it although I think it might be the 'super powers' organ. Oh well!"

Maybe the French doctor just messed up his English and didn't mean to use the word "salvage." But then again, judging by Catherine's expression in that final panel, I think she just realized they've been sitting in a Jiffy Lube waiting room.

A week later, Power Girl sits in the auto parts lunch room thinking about how many of her powers she's lost. She's snuck out a few times to test them and found that she still has her super speed and super strength. But she's lost her "cosmic" powers. I don't know what those entail other than the exploding vagina thing.

Justice League Europe #9 Rating: B-. This comic dealt with a bunch of down time issues in the group and, when done well, I usually enjoy those installments. And I did enjoy this one! I think Ralph and Barry working out their issues was resolved nicely, so now Ralph can still tease Barry but Barry knows it's coming from a loving place where they can both bond over their old, dead friend. Metamorpho was able to deal with trauma resulting from his old team not giving a fuck about him after he came back from death. Not that he really dealt with it. He just sat on a church, felt some self-pity (which he's a master of), and then went off to apologize to Batman for calling him a jerk and turning into a fart in front of him. I like that Rex is the bigger man because I like Rex better than Batman but I still think he should just punch him in the face and be done with him. And finally, the main story, Power Girl went through all of this to have some of her powers taken away. That's always pretty weak but I'm glad that handled the science and medicine so realistically! I'm pretty sure when most doctors operate, they simply shove their hand in your guts and root around with the other hand over their eyes like they're fishing out a ticket for a prize at the fair. The issue loses a full grade because you can't have a doctor exclaim, "Is that her liver?!", and then not show what he's looking at! I bet it was fucking sexy.

Justice League America #33 (1989)

This might look like a smart tactic by Guy Gardner until you realize that horrendous mug is about to sneeze right in his face.

Judging by the liquid dripping off Gardner's face, Kilowog may have already sneezed on him and Guy, with his obsession to be the best, easily worked through it.

How many of those protrusions on Kilowog's lips do you think are penises? At least one, right? Man, imagine having a penis right on your face! It would be so attractive! I saw video footage of that guy with his penis on his arm and I was so envious! Although in that case, you'd really be limited to how many hands you can jerk off with. Oh! But I just realized your mouth is now an option! But not if it's on your face. That would be so frustrating! I bet you could lick it though!

This comic book review has lost its way immediately. I'm so sorry.

This issue is called, "Nitwits, Knuckleheads & Poozers!" So even if Kilowog wasn't on the cover, we'd all know he'd be making an appearance. "If you know, you know," as the biggest nerds I know in my life seem to love saying. Remember when there was a time that you'd drop some reference and just let people either understand it or not without making them immediately feel left out? Imagine if I went and got plastic surgery to stick a penis on my face, everybody would think, "Well, that's a weird choice." But what if I did that and whenever anybody looked at me, I'd be all, "If you know, you know!" That would send them down a serious pop culture spiral trying to figure out what I was referencing! Hmm, it might also get them to find my blog googling "face penises."

On second thought and not after having Googled "face penises," I realized that a search with those parameters almost certainly wouldn't lead to my blog. At least not on the first 5,000 pages of search results.

Guy Gardner: King of the Internet!

After the Teasdale Incident in which the Justice League did absolutely nothing when it's arguable they could have saved hundreds of lives instead of watching them electrocute themselves (I know Teasdale kept saying the toxin was fatal but the Justice League has super tech and magic on their side! Fucking save a life, Batman!), Guy Gardner has become bored. So he's off to visit the recently mostly abandoned Green Lantern Corps Headquarters on Earth. Abandoned because they thought it was a good idea to imprison Sinestro in the thing that powers all of their rings and Sinestro was all, "Oh, look, the off switch is right here on the inside!" Currently Kilowog putters around the empty headquarters getting occasional visits from Hal Jordan's underage girlfriend. Today he's getting a visit from an asshole.

This is how I'm going to greet my mom next time I'm in Santa Clara.

Whoops! I just gave out assassination coordinates for my mom! None of you better take advantage of that! *wink, wink*

That was a joke, mom! Sheesh! Maybe don't read my Internet stuff and also get out of my room!

My first thought upon seeing Gardner's surprise attack on Kilowog was to reference Inspector Clouseau and Cato but that reference is older than all of Giffen and DeMatteis's references were in the 80s. Mostly because they'll probably reference the Pink Panther movies themselves and I'm 30 years past when this was written. That's how time works. Has nobody ever explained the concept of time to you?!

This is the panel that made me think, "Fuck. I guess I need to read the stupid annual first."

The two JLAers arriving at the island are, disappointingly, Blue Beetle and Booster Gold. I'm disappointed because they are going to look terrible in bikinis.

How were Giffen and DeMatteis not embarrassed by these fucking old time references?! Is Blue Beetle actually 52?

I used "52" because it's a good DC Universe number and also because I'm not quite that old yet! But next year, I'll definitely refer to every blue I see as "Jack Benn's eyes."

Sorry for posting so many panels in a row (all from the same page, by the way), but look at this! Another reference that was already old timey in 1989:

I suppose Nick at Nite was doing the job of the Internet back in the 80s: keeping us all refreshed on past pop culture zeitgeist.

Blue Beetle and Booster Gold head off to speak with the leader of the Kooey Kooey Kooey tribe to discuss Blue Beetle's great idea which he doesn't elaborate on. I hope he wants to start a White Lotus franchise out here. Mike White should sell actual White Lotus franchises but to other entertainment properties. I just want to see various casts of characters from different shows interacting at a White Lotus. Like, which one of Gilligan's cruise mates would wind up dead?! Probably Mr. Howell.

Fucking old references. I need to stop reading Giffen and DeMatteis comic books.

Blue Beetle wants to build a casino resort on KooeyKooeyKooey Island. So basically a White Lotus! The chief of the tribe isn't convinced though because the tribe doesn't need money and they don't want Western Society tramping all over their paradise. Until Blue Beetle sweetens the pot with two culturally relevant 80s celebrities: the captain of the Love Boat, the greatest rock singer of all time, and one future wannabe autocrat.

Finally a reference that's only a couple of years off from 1989!

Imagine an episode of The Love Boat starring Jon Bon Jovi and Donald Trump! Oh what a whirlwind romance that would have been! But then Bon Jovi's heart would be broken when he realized Trump was just scamming him out of his cash. But in the final scene, Jon would unveil his new song written on the back of his heartbreak: "You Give Love a Bad Name." It brings down the house at the final night captain's dinner and Trump is humiliated as he falls in the potato salad trying to run away crying because he realized he really did love Jon but now it's too late!

I'm sorry. Occasionally I lapse into bad fan fiction writing prompts.

Back on the mainland (or wherever Green Lantern Corps Earth Headquarters is located), Guy and Kilowog have completely trashed the headquarters. But they end their fighting with a great big bro hug and then Guy lets Kilowog slip on his ring to rebuild the headquarters. I think that means they're now Green Lantern Married. So, being Green Lantern Married, Kilowog goes back to New York with Guy to join the Justice League as the Technology Engineer. They'll never lose Animal Man's luggage again!

Is the house falling in on her when she gets the head injury that returns her to her 13-year-old state of mind?

This is Arisia. She was 13 when she began dating Hal Jordan. Then she aged her mind and her body to look like this so it wouldn't be weird. Which is when Hal dumped her. I'm not saying Hal Jordan is a pedophile. I don't have to. It's all in the comic books!

I hope all the Hal Jordan fans don't get mad at me for pointing out the weird shit Hal got up to without also referencing all the retcon garbage that tried to make it acceptable, like how 13 on Arisia's home planet is actually like 215 or something on Earth. I think Hal Jordan fans probably get that some writers made some really shitty decisions for the character. I expect them to be more rational of my jokey criticism than Deathstroke fans who constantly freak the fuck out when I point out he's definitely a pedophile! Boy do those jerks get angry! Something there is in a Deathstroke fan that doesn't love a pedophilia critique.

Beetle and Booster convince Kilowog to build their casino because Kilowog has been so bored lately. But standing in their way (although they don't know it yet) is Aquaman! For some reason he has plans for this island and they're going to screw them all up.

Boring!

Justice League America #33 Rating: B+. Most of this issue was Kilowog and Guy fighting while Beetle and Booster consult with the KooeyKooeyKooeyans. That doesn't sound like a B+ comic book but Adam Hughes' art is doing a lot of the grade raising in this comic book. While Mike McKone's tribesman looked like lost white people in the Annual, Hughes actually, for the most part, look like Pacific Islanders. Or, at least, so much more so than McKone's that I was willing to accept them as actual islanders. And I don't mind many pages of a fight that doesn't mean shit when Hughes is drawing it. It all just looks so gorgeous!