Saturday, December 24, 2022

Justice League America #34 (1990)

I'm slightly disappointed Beetle and Booster's nickname was "Blue and Gold" instead of "Hairy and Smooth."

You thought I was going to mention Fire's huge tits, didn't you? Well I did. Just there. You're so fucking smart, aren't you?

You might think Batman is just wearing his normal outfit on the beach but it's his beach outfit which is treated to repel sand and also has cut outs on the ass cheeks. It also probably constantly excretes sun tan lotion because can you imagine how pale that guy must be? Or should be, anyway, in a realistic comic book universe where Bruce Wayne can't go from beating up criminals all night to actually having a working day life where he goes out in the sun and fucks tons of women in the evening. He probably sleeps in some kind of Bat-tanning machine which also jerks him off during the night.

Speaking of being jerked off in the middle of the night, I had a weird sex dream last night. I was back in my home town and ran into Amy Ginger whom I'm certain was in my graduating class but I only really remember her from elementary school. We ended up back in the apartment in my mother's basement making out when things turned to oral and manual manipulation. At some point, I saw that I ejaculated but didn't feel anything and commented on it. Amy treated it as if I were apologizing for jizzing too quickly but I was actively concerned that there was something medically wrong with me. Then I realized part of the ceiling was missing and sky was showing through because a tornado had smashed the house while we were fooling around. And my cats Gravy and Pelafina (who died about four years ago) had been in the house so I got really worried and ran upstairs to look for them. I found them almost immediately which was kind of my brain to allow or I would have woken up super sad. Not that I didn't wake up super sad anyway because of my stupid non-wet sex dream!

It feels good to be revealing too much during my comic book reviews again! I hope Amy Ginger isn't in the habit of Googling her name! Although if she does, she'll be in a real quandary about which of her elementary school classmates this is! I'll give her one hint: it's not Simon Raines!

Oh man, what if Simon is big on Googling himself?! I wonder if he remembers the time I was supposed to stay over his house but I didn't bring pajamas so his mom let me borrow a pair of his but they were too tight because I was a little fatty and I got super nervous and embarrassed and asked to go home? Man, I bet that was the moment my life changed for the worst forever! I probably could have been a popular kid, getting in on the ground floor with Simon! It would have opened up all kinds of friendship avenues!

The issue begins with Major Disaster lamenting his life in which he refuses to take responsibility for his failures and instead blames the idiotic members of his gang, the Injustice League. He also blames the Justice League for his failure. Then why name your dumb villain group after the Justice League? The Injustice League is a pretty shit name for a gang. Oh no! They're against justice! Look out!

Major Disaster sees an ad for Beetle and Booster's resort casino on Kooey Kooey Kooey Island and decides it would be a good place to rob. A place run by members of the Justice League seems like the kind of place you'd avoid pulling a heist but then Major Disaster has already shown he's blind to his own flaws and shortcomings.

Booster and Beetle pull off their own heist against the Justice League!

This is what happens when there's no social safety net and you don't pay your employees a living wage. They're going to wind up robbing you blind and/or sleeping with two women at once and/or burning the whole place to the ground.

Major Disaster and Big Sir, like Booster Gold and Blue Beetle, have also failed at being responsible adults which is why they've spent the last of their money on tickets to Kooey Kooey Kooey Island. I'm not sure if their plan is to rob the place or make a fortune gambling or maybe just retire on the island as a beach bum (the only sensible choice, really). I just know that, for some reason, as soon as Major Disaster saw the Justice League had an island resort, he saw it as some kind of get-rich-quick scheme. Maybe Major Disaster realized that when they try to avoid super heroes (like when they moved to France), they always wound up running into super heroes. So if he dives right into a place full of super heroes, maybe things will finally go his way!

While Big Sir and Major Disaster somehow cheat at Black Jack in the casino, Aquaman washes up on the beach to yell at Booster Gold and Blue Beetle. He finds them immediately after they get the news that Big Sir and Major Disaster have cleaned out the casino.

Aquaman showing up always makes everything worse.

Aquaman has come to warn Beetle and Booster that Kooey Kooey Kooey is a living organism and that creating a casino resort on its back will surely wake it up. Which is exactly what happens! And because the Comics Code Authority demands that crime (or gambling) never pays, Major Disaster and Big Sir lose all of their casino winnings, which they took in cash and shoved in a suitcase, when an earthquake knocks the suitcase open, sending the money flying everywhere. It's a shame because it would have been a better plot seed to let them get away with the money and build an Injustice League Satellite in orbit opposite the Justice League Satellite. Did the Justice League even have a satellite in 1989? It's only been a few years since they were working out of a cave!

I hope Kooey Kooey Kooey winds up with a Green Lantern ring! Imagine G'nort, a sentient dog, living on Kooey Kooey Kooey, a sentient island, floating in an ocean on Mogo, a sentient planet. That's practically a Planetary story arc.

The issue ends with everybody trapped on the island with busted teleporter tubes and Aquaman. It's a real tragedy.

Justice League America #34 Rating: B. Once again, Adam Hughes does all of the heavy lifting. The story is silly and non-sensical but who cares when you're looking at women in bikinis drawn by Adam Hughes! And if you're not willing to admit that you read comic books for the nearly naked ladies, Adam drew some of the other stuff really well too. Like desks and trees and poker chips.

See? Just check out the cushions on that sofa!

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