Wednesday, December 21, 2022

Justice League America #33 (1989)

This might look like a smart tactic by Guy Gardner until you realize that horrendous mug is about to sneeze right in his face.

Judging by the liquid dripping off Gardner's face, Kilowog may have already sneezed on him and Guy, with his obsession to be the best, easily worked through it.

How many of those protrusions on Kilowog's lips do you think are penises? At least one, right? Man, imagine having a penis right on your face! It would be so attractive! I saw video footage of that guy with his penis on his arm and I was so envious! Although in that case, you'd really be limited to how many hands you can jerk off with. Oh! But I just realized your mouth is now an option! But not if it's on your face. That would be so frustrating! I bet you could lick it though!

This comic book review has lost its way immediately. I'm so sorry.

This issue is called, "Nitwits, Knuckleheads & Poozers!" So even if Kilowog wasn't on the cover, we'd all know he'd be making an appearance. "If you know, you know," as the biggest nerds I know in my life seem to love saying. Remember when there was a time that you'd drop some reference and just let people either understand it or not without making them immediately feel left out? Imagine if I went and got plastic surgery to stick a penis on my face, everybody would think, "Well, that's a weird choice." But what if I did that and whenever anybody looked at me, I'd be all, "If you know, you know!" That would send them down a serious pop culture spiral trying to figure out what I was referencing! Hmm, it might also get them to find my blog googling "face penises."

On second thought and not after having Googled "face penises," I realized that a search with those parameters almost certainly wouldn't lead to my blog. At least not on the first 5,000 pages of search results.

Guy Gardner: King of the Internet!

After the Teasdale Incident in which the Justice League did absolutely nothing when it's arguable they could have saved hundreds of lives instead of watching them electrocute themselves (I know Teasdale kept saying the toxin was fatal but the Justice League has super tech and magic on their side! Fucking save a life, Batman!), Guy Gardner has become bored. So he's off to visit the recently mostly abandoned Green Lantern Corps Headquarters on Earth. Abandoned because they thought it was a good idea to imprison Sinestro in the thing that powers all of their rings and Sinestro was all, "Oh, look, the off switch is right here on the inside!" Currently Kilowog putters around the empty headquarters getting occasional visits from Hal Jordan's underage girlfriend. Today he's getting a visit from an asshole.

This is how I'm going to greet my mom next time I'm in Santa Clara.

Whoops! I just gave out assassination coordinates for my mom! None of you better take advantage of that! *wink, wink*

That was a joke, mom! Sheesh! Maybe don't read my Internet stuff and also get out of my room!

My first thought upon seeing Gardner's surprise attack on Kilowog was to reference Inspector Clouseau and Cato but that reference is older than all of Giffen and DeMatteis's references were in the 80s. Mostly because they'll probably reference the Pink Panther movies themselves and I'm 30 years past when this was written. That's how time works. Has nobody ever explained the concept of time to you?!

This is the panel that made me think, "Fuck. I guess I need to read the stupid annual first."

The two JLAers arriving at the island are, disappointingly, Blue Beetle and Booster Gold. I'm disappointed because they are going to look terrible in bikinis.

How were Giffen and DeMatteis not embarrassed by these fucking old time references?! Is Blue Beetle actually 52?

I used "52" because it's a good DC Universe number and also because I'm not quite that old yet! But next year, I'll definitely refer to every blue I see as "Jack Benn's eyes."

Sorry for posting so many panels in a row (all from the same page, by the way), but look at this! Another reference that was already old timey in 1989:

I suppose Nick at Nite was doing the job of the Internet back in the 80s: keeping us all refreshed on past pop culture zeitgeist.

Blue Beetle and Booster Gold head off to speak with the leader of the Kooey Kooey Kooey tribe to discuss Blue Beetle's great idea which he doesn't elaborate on. I hope he wants to start a White Lotus franchise out here. Mike White should sell actual White Lotus franchises but to other entertainment properties. I just want to see various casts of characters from different shows interacting at a White Lotus. Like, which one of Gilligan's cruise mates would wind up dead?! Probably Mr. Howell.

Fucking old references. I need to stop reading Giffen and DeMatteis comic books.

Blue Beetle wants to build a casino resort on KooeyKooeyKooey Island. So basically a White Lotus! The chief of the tribe isn't convinced though because the tribe doesn't need money and they don't want Western Society tramping all over their paradise. Until Blue Beetle sweetens the pot with two culturally relevant 80s celebrities: the captain of the Love Boat, the greatest rock singer of all time, and one future wannabe autocrat.

Finally a reference that's only a couple of years off from 1989!

Imagine an episode of The Love Boat starring Jon Bon Jovi and Donald Trump! Oh what a whirlwind romance that would have been! But then Bon Jovi's heart would be broken when he realized Trump was just scamming him out of his cash. But in the final scene, Jon would unveil his new song written on the back of his heartbreak: "You Give Love a Bad Name." It brings down the house at the final night captain's dinner and Trump is humiliated as he falls in the potato salad trying to run away crying because he realized he really did love Jon but now it's too late!

I'm sorry. Occasionally I lapse into bad fan fiction writing prompts.

Back on the mainland (or wherever Green Lantern Corps Earth Headquarters is located), Guy and Kilowog have completely trashed the headquarters. But they end their fighting with a great big bro hug and then Guy lets Kilowog slip on his ring to rebuild the headquarters. I think that means they're now Green Lantern Married. So, being Green Lantern Married, Kilowog goes back to New York with Guy to join the Justice League as the Technology Engineer. They'll never lose Animal Man's luggage again!

Is the house falling in on her when she gets the head injury that returns her to her 13-year-old state of mind?

This is Arisia. She was 13 when she began dating Hal Jordan. Then she aged her mind and her body to look like this so it wouldn't be weird. Which is when Hal dumped her. I'm not saying Hal Jordan is a pedophile. I don't have to. It's all in the comic books!

I hope all the Hal Jordan fans don't get mad at me for pointing out the weird shit Hal got up to without also referencing all the retcon garbage that tried to make it acceptable, like how 13 on Arisia's home planet is actually like 215 or something on Earth. I think Hal Jordan fans probably get that some writers made some really shitty decisions for the character. I expect them to be more rational of my jokey criticism than Deathstroke fans who constantly freak the fuck out when I point out he's definitely a pedophile! Boy do those jerks get angry! Something there is in a Deathstroke fan that doesn't love a pedophilia critique.

Beetle and Booster convince Kilowog to build their casino because Kilowog has been so bored lately. But standing in their way (although they don't know it yet) is Aquaman! For some reason he has plans for this island and they're going to screw them all up.


Justice League America #33 Rating: B+. Most of this issue was Kilowog and Guy fighting while Beetle and Booster consult with the KooeyKooeyKooeyans. That doesn't sound like a B+ comic book but Adam Hughes' art is doing a lot of the grade raising in this comic book. While Mike McKone's tribesman looked like lost white people in the Annual, Hughes actually, for the most part, look like Pacific Islanders. Or, at least, so much more so than McKone's that I was willing to accept them as actual islanders. And I don't mind many pages of a fight that doesn't mean shit when Hughes is drawing it. It all just looks so gorgeous!

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