Justice League Europe #5 (1989)

Bart Sears draws so many muscles that they had to increase the price of the comic to $1.00.

Did I mention I'm not much of a fan of Bart Sears' art? I don't want to go on and on about it because I don't want to hurt Bart Sears' feelings the way I hurt the feelings of Cullen Bunn. Also I'm a better person now. Not that I was a terrible person before! I still stand by my view that Cullen Bunn's Aquaman was worse than stepping in a steaming dog turd in sandals. What I meant was I'm better at picking out and reading comic books that don't suck.

I'm not going to critique the cover but if you want to know what I hate about it, just look at it. If you don't see a bunch of things that you hate about it as well, then what can I tell you? You like terrible things and have poor taste. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

This issue is called "Stagg Party!" Get it? No, of course you don't because nobody has called a party a "stag party" since Happy Days was on television. Maybe they still call them a "Stag Do" across the pond the way they call the female version a "Hen Do." But I don't live across the pond so I'm probably talking bollocks. Unless America is "across the pond." Maybe both countries are "across the pond," depending on which one you're currently standing in. If you're in France, you probably wouldn't call any other country "across the pond" because you speak French.

The joke of the title is that Metamorpho's lover (ew!) is named Sapphire Stagg. So a "Stagg Party" is when you fuck Sapphire. Oh wait. This comic book was written by men who constantly reference Abbott and Costello so there's no way that's what they were going for. I guess they just thought replacing "Stag" with "Stagg" was funny for some reason. Also maybe Metamorpho is going to marry Sapphire this issue and Captain Atom will be forced to throw a stag party! If that's what happens, I bet Wally West does fourteen sexual harassments in this issue. If there isn't a bachelor party, he'll only do three.

Never mind. Rex and Sapphire are already married. I probably knew that. I bet when Wally finds out Rex is married even though Rex didn't know he was married, Wally will suggest throwing him a stag party because Wally is the horniest motherfucker on the planet.

See? If you can't remember your marriage, you can't remember your bachelor party. Which means you need to have a new one!

Oh that caveman looking motherfucker on the cover? That's the caveman, Java. He thinks he's in love with Sapphire but really he just wants to engage in zug-zug. "Love" is too deep a concept for a caveman. But I guess "marriage" isn't because Java and Sapphire were married when everybody, but especially Simon Stagg, Sapphire's father, thought Rex Mason was dead.

Is Rex's head becoming more penis-shaped the closer Sapphire gets to him?

I know the cover shows the love triangle and the first few pages concentrate on it, but that can't be the main thrust of this issue, can it? Aren't these guys supposed to be saving the world?! It's not like they students in some school where they can spend all day acting like Mutant Degrassi. This is a work place! Get to work saving the world, you dumb jerks!

Captain Atom has been called to the New York Embassy for a meeting with Max Lord but this comic book is plotted by Keith Giffen and written by J.M. DeMatteis so good luck finding out what that's about in any reasonable amount of time. Instead there's several pages of Captain Atom refusing to listen to anybody while he whines about how much they all hate him and they're going to punish him. Do they get to the point of why Captain Atom has to meet with Max and Lord in the first scene cut with Captain Atom? Nope although it's just a two-page introduction to the comic. Do they get to the point in the next scene with Captain Atom? Nope. Just another two pages of Captain Atom not listening to anybody. So maybe forget about that plot thread. Apparently nothing important is going on there. What about Ralph and Sue going out shopping and discussing their sex life? That sounds uninteresting and uneventful.

The last of my aging sex drive just left me imagining Sue and Ralph fucking.

Okay fine: imagining Ralph fucking. I'm still imagining Sue fucking! And in my fantasy, she's diddling herself while thinking about fucking Captain Atom!

Ralph has decided to encourage Sue to enjoy herself in Paris in ways that weren't fucking Captain Atom. He's going to go broke fast if shopping is the only thing keeping her off that dick. I mean, assuming Captain Atom has a dick. The images of him in the skin tight spandex cause me some doubts.

Catherine informs Ralph and Sue that Metamorpho's wife has recently arrived.

Is "nutty putty" slang for male ejaculate?

I don't think Sue forgot to whom she was talking. I think Catherine knows she's asking the only person who might be able to provide an answer to that disgusting possibility.

Meanwhile, Rex Mason continues to let Sapphire know that he doesn't remember her when she obviously just wants to get back to making sweet, sweet elemental man love. Why would he take even one page to be convinced?! It's because Bart Sears draws such terrible 80s hair, isn't it? He can't see how hot Sapphire is underneath all the hairspray and exaggerated musculature. But that can't be it either. He looks like a multicolored penis and Sapphire can't wait to hop on him. No wait. That makes sense. That was meant to be an argument as to why he should also want to have sex with an unattractive partner.

It sucks because I know how hot Sapphire Stagg is and here I am having to look at Bart Sears' version of her. I'm in hell!

Java arrives to get his wife back and, well, now I see Sapphire has a type. Total barf bags.

Oh sorry! I didn't mean to insult most of my readers! I always forget I should pretend to be a typical comic book reading Internet loser. Let me try again.

This guy is 10x better looking than me and he's a beta cuck?! Fucking woke bullshit.

Captain Atom continues to think he's being reprimanded but I think Max is just trying to consult with him so they can get some more European members on the team. It's hard to concentrate on what's going on because Captain Atom has no penis. I know I said earlier that it's hard to believe he has a penis underneath the skin tight spandex. But my brain just processed what I was looking at and his hair is plastered in chrome just like the rest of his body. Which means he isn't wearing spandex. He just has a veneer of chrome all over his naked form.

This guy's penis is 10x bigger than mine and he's a beta cuck?! Fucking woke bullshit.

There's a good chance 90% of the rest of my captions will be in that format.

Metamorpho finally remembers how Sapphire said her father made her marry a caveman and so he finally gets around to yelling at her about it. Men and their egos! So fucking fragile. Out of all the shit to figure out, Metamorpho concentrates on the possibility that the wife he doesn't remember and cares nothing about might have fucked a caveman. She deflects by announcing that Rex is the father of her baby. He asks if it's a boy or a girl. By Sapphire's reaction, I get the feeling nobody can even tell if it's organic. "Congratulations! You have a healthy purple, white, and orange gravelly discharge!"

Metamorpho lays eyes on Java and all of his memories return. Seems weird. Get a face full of Sapphire's gorgeous ass and nothing. Look into Java's grotesque mug and it's a medical miracle. Psychologically, I don't know what this says about Metamorpho but if I were a teenage doctor from the 80s, I'd probably say, "Rex is gay."

Remember Doogie Howser? He was gay! I mean, the actor who played him was gay. What was his name? Doctor Horrible? Anyway, Doogie wasn't gay. He might even have been sporking the hottest girl on television at the time! And I don't know how old she was or remember who she was but I was as old or younger than her at the time so I can remember how many boners she gave me then without it being weird. What was weird was Doogie's best friend, the Italian weasel.

You may have noticed I have a problem remembering names and things. Maybe I'm Metamorpho?! Where the hell is my Sapphire Stagg?! And don't "Birches" me, universe! Don't here my plea and be all, "Oh, you want to go all the way to heaven, do you? Here's the fucking caveman you forgot too!" Stupid Robert Frost and God.

Fuck. Most of the previous paragraphs probably won't mean anything to anybody reading this in 2022. Sorry. I guess I've always been pretty transparent about how writing these things was just an exercise in entertaining myself anyway.

Captain Atom returns to keep Java and Metamorpho from destroying the place by yelling at them and sending them to his office to be yelled at some more.

Ralph is going to inexplicably get his brains fucked out tonight.

Animal Man is probably standing outside channeling a dog and telling Ralph, "You're wife is looking at Captain Atom again." Get it? Because he can smell Sue absolutely ruining her underwear.

Just as quickly as she arrived, Sapphire leaves with her father and Java. Metamorpho stays behind, super sad that none of his friends in The Outsides came looking for him. That's probably because Halo is in a coma, Dr. Jace was a Manhunter, Looker was a vampire or something, Geoforce was an asshole, and Katana was busy being married to a sword. Maybe now that Rex remembers them, he should look them up! Or he can just keep pouting and end up being the guy in their memory who never thought to call them!

Fuck it. I'm not reading the letters pages anymore.

Justice League Europe #5 Rating: C. While the story revolved around Metamorpho and The Outsiders were always one of my favorite comic books, which means I enjoyed reading his story, I can't give this issue a high grade because what the fuck are these idiots doing?! I suppose there can't be an international incident every month (sometimes one that's even triggered by people other than the JLE!) and they need some down time. But during their down time, shouldn't they be preparing for the up times?! Maybe Power Girl and The Flash were busy doing that. The European Embassy of the League just seems like a nice place American superheroes can come to relax. Sure, they have to put up with being called an asshole and a Nazi occasionally, but all-in-all, seems like a pretty chill gig so far. Also Captain Atom's lack of cock always drops a comic half a letter grade.

Justice League America #29 (1989)

The way the women around Beetle are laughing suggest he's forgotten his beetle pants.

If it wasn't for the woman to Beetle's back left who looks like Ice and the woman to her left that looks like Cameron Diaz and a few others, I'd have assumed this was a nightmare Beetle was having where he was surrounded by various Fires from other Earths. It's probably the multiple Maguire mouths and all the green hair. Hopefully this issue is about the woman with the short hair and the knitted sweater just ahead of the woman laughing uproariously about Beetle's weird dong.

This issue is called "Nabu on My Mind" but with the on crossed out and replaced by an "in" so that it's actually "Nabu in My Mind." Remembering that Giffen and DeMatteis love referencing old media, this must be a play on "Georgia on My Mind." Can this be categorized as a joke? Is it funny because it makes the 1989 reader think of a song written in 1930 and again popularized in 1960 by Ray Charles? Is it funny because they cross off the "on" to replace it with "in" so that the reader thinks, "Ha ha! Nabu is literally going to go into Beetle's mind to help him"? I feel like Tucker Carlson asking bad faith questions because obviously this isn't a joke! A reference to something that has no bearing on the new thing that's making you think of the old thing isn't anything at all! Unless (and God help me for "unlessing" this shit Giffen and DeMatteis constantly do) the lyrics of the song actually fit thematically with the story I'm about to read! Although would that really make it any more interesting? How complex is "Georgia on My Mind"? It's about somebody who isn't in Georgia and then they start thinking of Georgia and it's wistful. I mean I suppose it's wistful. I don't really remember it and didn't give it more than about 30 seconds on YouTube before I remembered that I wasn't immortal and I didn't have all the time in the world and angrily and bitterly slammed the browser window shut (meaning I just clicked on the little x tab normally but in a heightened state of awareness about my mortality).

If the title didn't make you laugh (and I know it didn't, you liar) then maybe you'll love the full panel joke! Do you want me to ruin it anti-Keats style by tearing it apart to explain why it's funny or should I just scan it so you can not laugh at it as well?

Not only are the citizens aware of the Marvel Universe, they're also aware of Marvel's lawyers!

I remember really liking this Justice League run back in the day but I think Giffen and DeMatteis's humor was meant to be consumed with month long intervals between issues. Because it's really making me angry this time! It's also possible that my mind was swirling with so many late-teen hormones that my fixation was less on the jokes and more on the flaming naked lady soaring through the air not being Superman or the Human Torch. Probably the first thing 17 year old me did when opening to this page was check to see if the artist had drawn nipples on Fire in flame form.

Unfortunately, Fire's clothing also turn into green flames when she transforms. I would contemplate why that would be part of her new power except the answer would simply be, "Fuck you, idiot. It's a comic book."

Big Barda has been tasked with training Fire to use her new powers which is great because somebody I know has a huge crush on Big Barda and it isn't Pickle Boy. And since Pickle Boy is my only friend, you might have guessed I was talking about myself. You might have guessed that even before I admitted I actually have one friend because you simply assumed I have no friends. Which could be true since I haven't talked to Pickle Boy for years.

I bet when people long for the "good old days," they're longing for the days when a statuesque woman can mention that she's going out to her car to get her Mega-rod and everybody would be classy enough not to make dildo jokes.

Barda discovers her car, along with the Mega-rod, has been stolen and J'onn is all, "Big deal!" Then Barda is all, "Your Oreos were in there!" And then J'onn is all, "I will burn this place to the fucking ground!" Yeah, I know J'onn is terrified of fire but that's just how angry he is. Don't first assume a writer is making a mistake before you plumb the depths of what is being said and why it might be said that way, you lazy jerk.

This makes me think the Mega-rod is less a dildo and more the remote control for the beads currently up Barda's bum.

Meanwhile Nabu (or Kent Nelson (or Doctor Fate)) has been hired by Batman to fix Blue Beetle's Manchurian Candidate condition.

I'm devastated that I never read the insane run of Doctor Fate that Nabu describes here.

Nabu has come to help without asking for a fee and Oberon treats him like shit for a full page. I don't quite understand why Oberon acts so rude except that maybe Giffen and DeMatteis can't write dialogue unless the characters are bickering. Oberon seems to care a great deal for Blue Beetle but he refuses to let Nabu help. And then after insulting him across multiple panels about how he doubts Nabu can help, he asks Nabu when he's going to start helping. Maybe when you shut the fuck up?

Anyway, who cares if Nabu can help Beetle? Beetle is going to be dead in ten years anyway! So let's get back to the more interesting part of the story.

Oh yeah that's the stuff.

Okay, now that we're caught up on the main plot, back to Nabu going down on Blue Beetle's mind. He enters it and discovers a world much like Maguire's cover: women packed together boobs to butts. Nabu, knowing nothing at all about Blue Beetle, says, "So this is the mind of Blue Beetle. Figures." How does it figure?! Maybe I'm just not versed enough in Egyptology. Perhaps the scarab is a fertility symbol and Nabu realizes that if Blue Beetle has based his persona after the Blue Beetle who was magicked by an Egyptian scarab, he did so because he loves the vagina. Or maybe, based on Wally West's characterization in Justice League Europe, Giffen and DeMatteis have boiled down the personality of male characters to just one drive.

Nabu manages to send Beetle's consciousness into his body so that Nabu can work on breaking down the "Azrael's Block" set up in Beetle's mind by the Queen Bee. Couldn't Justice League Europe have added in removing the block from Beetle into their compromise with Queen Bee? What a bunch of selfish jerks. Now that have to rely on a dead man possessed by a Lord of Order. Although now the dead man is possessed by Ted Kord and the Lord of Order is busy rooting around in Ted's psyche. Plus the Lord of Order mentioned being roommates with a Yiddish devil dog which really pisses me off because how did I not read that comic book back in 1989?! It's not like I couldn't afford it! Comic books were seventy-five cents back then!

Long Kent Nelson story short, he fixes Blue Beetle and everybody goes back to whatever they were doing before all of this nonsense began. I guess Kent Nelson was hanging out with a half-little-boy, half-hot-chick magic-user and an evil Yiddish devil dog. Blue Beetle was harassing everybody at the Justice League Embassy, so he just goes back to that. And Batman now probably had a backlog of criminals to nearly kill. It's funny how Batman thinks he's effective because criminals are a superstitious lot when he's actually effective because criminals get tired of dealing with all the broken bones. Although with health care being the scam it is, it's no wonder they just wind up henchmanning for another psychotic villain to pay their bills.

What I'm saying is can't Batman find a better way?!

Meanwhile, Barda, Mister Miracle, and Fire track down Big Barda's Mega-rod to some punk-rock teenager who activates it and Barda's anal beads start buzzing.

Even Apokoliptian orgasms are dangerous.

Mister Miracle must be terrible in bed or else he and Barda would be buying a new house every day or two. Oh, that explains why she needs the Mega-rod.

Letters this month (am I still doing this? Yeah, I guess I'm still doing this) are from Nick Baynes of Croydon, England; Janine Coles of New Orleans, Louisiana; K.M. Mathews of Singapore; Neil Alquist of Minneapolis, Minnesota; Charles Sperling of Flushing, New York; Simon DelMonte of Forest Hills, New York; Russ Bedell of Glen Rock, Pennsylvania; and Steve Jordan of Bend, Oregon. I just read all of the letters and have immediately forgotten what they said. Maybe I should just stop reading the letters.

Justice League #29 Rating: B+. I haven't really been paying attention because I've been doing this so sporadically and trying to get back into a groove but I think the Justice League hasn't done anything heroic in at least three, maybe four months. In the last few issues, Guy and Ice went on a date while Beetle and Fire have been dealing with medical issues. And that's about it! Next issue probably isn't going to be anything heroic either as it seems Barda, Fire, and Mister Miracle are simply going to have to save themselves from Big Barda's irresponsible handling of her Mega-rod. Three teenagers are already dead because of her inability to lock it up safely when not in sexy use. Remember when this team used to save the world from the likes of Starro, Amazo, and Despero, all within a few months of each other?! Now what are they up to?! Mostly sexual harassment!

Justice League Europe #4 (1989)

And Power Girl.

When The Elongated Man is knocked unconscious, his neck should recoil into his body like pressing the pedal on the vacuum cleaner to recoil the power cord. SHWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIP-CRACK!

I've been watching Marvel's She-Hulk: Attorney-at-Law and it has confirmed my belief that Comicsgaters hate themselves because they simply can't allow themselves to enjoy enjoyable things. That show is motherfucking charming and a lot of fun. It's probably my favorite of the Marvel television shows (which, if I'm remembering correctly, I've liked them all). Plus in the most recent episode, the DC Universe became a canonical part of the Marvel Universe. It's when Jen says, "Am I being fridged?" And while, yes, it's probably true, that "being fridged" has become common comic book lingo, you can't ignore the origin of it from Gail Simone's Women in Refrigerators. Yes, Gail's essay dealt with both universes. But the whole saying stems from a Kyle Rayner story! You can't discuss "Women in Refrigerators" without understanding that the entire idea was sparked by the absolutely over-the-top death of Kyle's girlfriend being stuffed into a fridge. You might also argue that She-Hulk's moments where she breaks the 4th wall don't count in the canon but at that point I've stopped listening to you and gone on with my life.

Anyway, it's a great fucking show and Comicsgaters are fucking losers who can't fucking simply enjoy something enjoyable! Loosen up, bastiches! Get laid! Oh, whoops! Sorry! I think that's part of the problem. This is why I'm such a staunch proponent of legalizing sex work. Because men who can't get laid need an option where they can get laid. And women need an option where they can get laid by a guy who knows what he's doing. Picking up a guy at a nightclub when you're a horny woman is a fucking crap shoot. Sure, the guy might be super sexy but you never know what his skills are going to be. But if you pay for sex? The guy had better know how to close!

Also we need to stop letting old men and Christians define sexuality. Those fucking cretins wouldn't enjoy a finger up the ass unless it was OH NO I'm not finishing this thought because I absolutely frown on the amount of pedophilia happening in the Catholic Church and even if my brain wanted to turn it into a punchline, I have control over my brain and I just told my brain, "NO! YOU STOP RIGHT THERE, YOU NASTY ASS EDGELORD!"

Pointing out an error like this could be a critique on how little anybody working in the medium of comics cares about the job or it could just mean I'm a petty asshole.

If anybody reading this series was still wondering who was fucking with the Justice League Europe across the last few issues, beginning the story in Bialya should clear that right up. I mean if they somehow didn't look at the cover!

This issue is called "Bialya Burning!" which kind of implies that the Justice League are going to firebomb an entire country. Unless it's more metaphorical like when Midnight Oil said their beds were burning. Unless that wasn't metaphorical at all and somebody should have really rushed in with a hose to help them.

Queen Bee softly chides Jack O'Lantern (I hate that name. Am I typing it correctly? I have no idea) for revealing himself to Justice League Europe. Now they know who is behind the disinformation campaign to make them look like white supremacist Nazi lovers. The campaign mostly relies on mind control though so it's not much of a campaign. What can't you do if you had mind control at your disposal?! I suppose find somebody to truly love you. But forcing them to love you truly through mind control is a satisfying enough illusion if you cultivate an exceptionally strong sense of denial.

See? Just as satisfying!

Jack O'Lantern calls Queen Bee "lady" twice and she reminds him that he owes her everything which I think is also a threat that means she can take everything away from him at any moment. Like his life. Was that too obvious to explain? Sometimes it's hard to tell. I often think things I read are obvious which is why my college professors were constantly writing "Expand on this" on my papers.

Animal Man and Power Girl are heading into Bialya undercover because it worked so well when they took the tour of the Global Guardians' headquarters in Paris. They were recognized instantly out of uniform even thought Wally West's hair color was completely wrong! Oh yeah, it was Wally there and not Buddy Baker. I was confused because of that hair color error I just mentioned. Anyway, Power Girl is totally recognizable due to her huge hair and also her tits.

Hey, remember the last time a member of the Justice League entered Bialya undercover? They were turned into a Manchurian Candidate! I'm not sure sending Power Girl into that situation is a good idea. Especially since Jack can identify her out of costume.

Sure, they aren't spying or listening through any shadowy devices but don't you think consuming every item in the mini-bar in under ten seconds might set off some alarms?!

This was 1989 so maybe the mini-bar was assessed manually when staff came to service the room. Back in 1997 when I was in Japan, I checked into a little place and walked up to what I thought was my room. The door was open as it was currently being cleaned and the first thing I did was grab a Coke out of the mini-bar. It alerted the desk that somebody was somewhere they shouldn't have been and they sent somebody up to politely scold me for breaking a rule. What I'm trying to say is I got a free Coke out of being a dopey tourist.

I don't know what Justice League Europe's plan is. It seems like maybe it's going completely against the whole United Nations backing of the League? They're just infiltrating a sovereign country to . . . what?! Overthrow the leader? Because the leader may have, at worst, pranked them? Aren't they stepping on Amanda Waller's toes here?! This feels like Suicide Squad shit.

Metamorpho sneaks into the country disguised as a stain on the bottom of a plane. He then transforms into a fart and makes a The Prisoner reference about the surveillance in Bialya. Oh, come on, Rex! They're just ahead of their time! Reagan's America and Thatcher's Britain are currently figuring out how to make the same kind of surveillance state palatable to their populaces! If only he could see the future and how so many people would embrace having cameras on their doorbells, CCTV on every street corner, and personal tracking devices right in their own pockets!

J'onn is also (meaning like me!) a bit disturbed about Captain Atom's plan to basically invade Bialya.

This is what happens when you put a military guy in charge. They make stupid military decisions.

The worst word to a military leader is "diplomacy." Talk?! What the fuck kind of tactic is that?! The only real tactics are violent invasion or stealthy infiltration, both of which ultimately lead to regime change and the installation of an American puppet as leader.

Meanwhile in Bialya, Jack begs Queen Bee to fuck him and she's all, "Um, no. Fuck somebody else if you need it so badly." And he's all, "Your mind control makes it so that I can't get it up with anybody else!" And Queen Bee basically just laughs in his face. Man, I wish I could mind control people. You don't have to compromise on anything and you can humiliate other people sexually! Can you even imagine that kind of power?! I'm only talking to the other fugly people reading this! We all know you hotties already do this constantly!

Jack is concerned for Owlwoman who is undergoing the process that gave Jack so many new superpowers. It was developed by some guy named The Doctor which was probably supposed to give everybody Nazi vibes so that the twiste will hit even harder: The Doctor is a Dominator!

I was going to scan the panel where the Doctor first appears to remind everybody who those big-toothed, Japan-flag-foreheaded aliens were. But this panel had Owlwoman's butt in it.

Metamorpho spies on Queen Bee and her pets before meeting up with Power Girl, Animal Man, and The Flash. He's found a way to infiltrate Queen Bee's base and he believes they can take her out. What does that mean?! They can't just beat up and kidnap the leader of a foreign nation, can they?! At least the Suicide Squad would kill her so that something had to change without any knowledge of American involvement (although everybody would totally know the CIA was involved anyway). What can the Justice League do?! Threaten her to play nice?

I suppose if it were my plan, I'd send my team in, destroy all of Queen Bee's technology, murder her Dominator (because he's an alien and I think even Batman and Superman wouldn't flinch at killing an alien for some reason), and deprogram her Global Guardian cohorts. All without letting her know who was doing it. Which probably means maybe Metamorpho should have just did all of that while he was a fart? He probably could have destroyed the machines by turning into some wet chemical and then killed the Dominator by turning into whatever chemical is a poison to them and then deprogrammed Jack and Owlwoman by some other chemical means that probably exists but I don't have time nor the inclination to research! But bringing in Power Girl, Flash, and Animal Man is going to kind of give the whole game away, isn't it? Or is Queen Bee supposed to just shrug after being defeated and say, "Good job! You guys win. I won't turn this into an international incident at all! Good luck on all of your future endeavors!"

Like usual, if I'd just waited to read ahead a few pages, I would have found out the plan.

So I guess my final guess as to their plan in the previous paragraph was pretty much spot on. You know it's not a good plan when my sarcastic plan winds up being the plan.

The Dominator's plan for Owlwoman's metamorphosis is to "push the 'meta(l) gene' past accepted limits." Do I not know the definition of words? Doesn't "accepted limits" mean "we've realized this is the limit and we've accepted that" and not "everybody has accepted and agreed that this will be the limit where we push the gene"? I guess I'm like Jack who the Dominator says has "limited intellect" which "cannot fathom" his science. I'm not even sure what Owlwoman's powers are and how pushing those powers past their limits would make her more powerful. Maybe I should look her up in the trusty Who's Who?

According to the Global Guardian entry in Who's Who (because Owlwoman doesn't get her own entry (which you'll realize makes sense when I copy down verbatim all that Who's Who has to say about her)), "Owlwoman (Wenonah Littlebird, a full-blooded Indian of Oklahoma) can fly and see in pitch darkness." Note how "a full-blooded Indian of Oklahoma" is so much longer than actually just giving us her tribe's name. They didn't have the Internet back then so you can choose to forgive the editors and writers for not knowing what tribes lived in Oklahoma or you can not forgive them because how hard would it have been to find out?!

This means that pushing her meta(l) gene past accepted limits will allow her to super fly and to super see in the dark. Wow! She's going to be awesome!

Metamorpho's plan is to sneak in through the sewers. He's surprised when Animal Man notices a camera in the sewers even though he pointed out all of the surveillance on his way into the city.

Either that was an itsy-bitsy camera in 1989 or Animal Man is being really sarcastic to point out what a dumb jerk Metamorpho is.

You might think calling Metamorpho a dumb jerk because he missed a camera is a bit rough but two seconds after they find the camera, they all blow up. They don't die, of course, although Animal Man probably should have died. Maybe he takes on the toughness of a cockroach just before he explodes. After the smoke clears, the Justice League find they've been ambushed by Jack O'Lantern.

Buddy Baker is a very sarcastic man.

What's the most sarcastic animal? I bet it's a dolphin. Imagine how much sass and eye rolling Aquaman has to put up with.

During the fight (which Jack continuously tries to flee almost immediately even though he started it), Jack blows a hole in the ceiling and kills a bystander walking on the street above. The mind control keeps him from worrying about everything except what Queen Bee is going to think. But I bet if he weren't mind controlled, he'd be feeling pretty remorseful right now. He's still a hero underneath his mind-control need to fuck Queen Bee.

The Flash punches Jack at super speed so Jack is probably dead. I'm surprised his head is still on his shoulders. Queen Bee, watching via the itsy-bitsy camera, decides to send reinforcements: a whole army of soldiers with pumpkin weapons. Looks like Jack is probably out of a job. I guess The Doctor is also making an army of soldiers who can super fly and super see in the dark too!

Before Queen Bee can dispatch her army, the Justice League arrives in her command center.

Nobody gets nothin' past Queen Bee!

According to the last four issues of Justice League Europe, Wally West is a total sex pest.

Metamorpho gasses all the guards and Buddy Baker stops the Dominator from pulling a pistol on the rest of them. Really? A vampire looking space alien monster that dominates other races and it reaches for a pistol? Useless! And that's where the scene ends! But later that night, Queen Bee explains to The Doctor the deal she made with the League. As long as she stops trying to ruin their reputation, they won't tell the rest of the world that Bialya is a terrorist nation bent on controlling the world. Seems like a fair compromise! Also, they tell Queen Bee she must stop working with a Dominator. So Queen Bee kills the Dominator. Which I'm guessing the League probably should have known would happen and, like Batman, just choose not to give a shit about anything that happens after they leave their enemies alive. Anybody who dies after they leave the scene, no matter how battered, bloodied, or maimed, isn't the fault of the hero! It's the fault of, well, doctors, probably.

The team return to Paris and not too far behind, also on her way to the Embassy, is Sapphire Stagg, Metamorpho's wife. Not only is he going to be surprised to discover he's married, he's going to be ecstatic to find out how hot his wife is!

The issue ends with Catherine Coulson possibly flirting with Captain Atom. Doesn't Catherine know Sue Dibny has dibs on him?

All this time I've been wondering where Captain Atom's cock was through his skin-tight uniform and wouldn't you know? It's been on his face the entire time!

Oh yeah, and apparently Jack O'Lantern was killed by The Doctor at Queen Bee's orders. Although I'm sure he was lying, probably saving him to experiment on, not realizing he was about to die himself.

Letters this month were from S.T. Cooper of Dublin, Ireland; Rene Stoops of The Netherlands; Pete Sidebotham of Cheshire, England; Mark T. of Houston, Texas; Jan C. Childress of Brooklyn, New York; Thom E. Lake of Pinole, California; Chris Hiebert of Hutchinson, Kansas; Mike Morrone of Midlothian, Illinois; and Russ Bedell of Glen Rock, Pennsylvania. Mark T. of Houston declares he only bought the comic book because of Bart Sears art which means I'm not sure I can take Mark seriously. I guess Mike is a huge fan of cock faces.

Justice League Europe #4 Rating: B. This was a decent superheroes infiltrating a foreign country story that just fell apart on the basis of Captain Atom's entire plan. The Justice League risked an international incident gambling on the fact that Queen Bee would stop picking on them when she realized they could beat her up any time they wanted to. Plus she's a terrorist loose cannon! The Justice League's whole plan was like putting The Club on your car's steering wheel: criminals could still steal your car but why not move on to an easier target?! So good luck, the rest of the world! At least Queen Bee won't be fucking with the JLE!

Justice League America #28 (1989)

I'm not admitting to ever having wrestled with unwrapping an ice cream sandwich in front of a triple X cinema but does anybody know anything about suing over likeness rights?

This cover has a lot going on. The fat guy who is also a slob who is into comic books and stuffing his face in front of a nudie theater strikes me, especially in 1989, as a hat on a hat on a hat on a hat on a hat. In 1989, we automatically knew the four latter things as soon as the artist chose to draw him fat! Remember all the eighties movies where a fat actor played one of the characters? Well, they were constantly stuffing their face and they were a slob and they were always horny (because who would want to fuck them?! Remember how they were fat?!) and, even though it was never explicitly stated because why even take a chance of admitting that comic books are a thing, they were totally into comic books.

Also on the cover: some old guy jerking off to a movie poster; Mark Linn-Baker professing his love to, um, I don't know...a newspaper?; a trash can camouflaging the UPC rectangle; Guy Gardner looking spiffy and like a total scumbag all at the same time; Ice Maiden wondering how the fuck she ever ended up on this date (while also looking spiffy and yet doesn't come off as a total scumbag); a sex theater; and a gang of criminals hanging out over the XXX marquee because horny guys in trench coats are easy marks? Looks like this issue is going to be a good time if you don't mind reading a monthly superhero comic book where nobody saves the world or even a city. But you'll get to see the Black Hand before he was the super powerful Godlike leader of the Black Lantern Corps! So that's exciting, right?!

The comic book getting off on the right foot reminding readers that Fire has a great ass.

I have the entire Internet at my disposal but I still don't know what that Miguel Carlione poster is all about. He was probably some huge fashion designer but disappeared in a Mandela Wave.

While the rest of the League are busy, I don't know, unbrainwashing Blue Beetle, I guess, Guy Gardner flies around New York City demolishing entire buildings if he believes immoral things are happening in those buildings. It's the kind of press the Justice League doesn't want but it's also the kind of press you're going to get if you have a Green Lantern on the payroll. At least he isn't out their destroying entire coast cities. Was Guy Gardner previously a cop in this current DC continuity? Because he's totally acting like a cop. He's also suffering from severe brain damage so I won't get on his case too much about this wanton destruction of property. That'd be ableist and I don't want to be like Batman! And the rest of the League, frankly.

Like me, Ice decides not to be like the rest of the League even though Guy is drinking a Budweiser. I think it's okay to judge somebody in that case, even if they have brain damage.

From the last panel in that batch, you might think Ty Templeton draws beer cans the way Rob Liefeld draws guns but I assure you, cans looked that fucking weird at one time. Although I think Guy's stash of Bud is from a decade earlier than 1989, at least. Also from that last panel, you might think Guy Gardner really is a huge asshole, brain damage or not. Well, I'm not going to argue that point at this time with anybody because I'd rather wait until this unflattering portrait of his character has been forgotten by the person I want to convince that Guy isn't a giant bastard.

Fire offers some wise dating advice and/or more ableist slurs.

Ice believes Guy's attitude after his second bout of brain damage (thanks to Batman) was a cry for help, a peek into the depths of Guy's potential. She's also probably super horny. I bet people are scared to fuck an Ice Goddess. Sounds dangerous! So Tora needs to find somebody who can protect themselves from her frozen ravine. Like a Green Lantern! Imagine fucking the owner of a Green Lantern ring! The possibilities are limitless! Unless you're into piss play.

As Guy and Tora walk along the street, Guy impresses her with his small talk about underground toilets, skimpy costumes, and thigh cheese. Maybe he just impresses me. But if I'm impressed, I can't imagine how Tora isn't!

Meanwhile, news of Green Lantern smashing buildings due to immoral activity has The Black Hand nervous. He's running a strip club and porn theater in New York, just the kind of place Guy Gardner might destroy and/or frequent. Is there a masturbation joke in having The Black Hand go into the sex industry? No? Maybe? If so, just leave it in the comments because after ten years of comic book write-ups, I'm all out of masturbation jokes.

Guy decides to take Tora to see the porn film, Three Men and a Babe. He tries to convince her that it's the movie she wanted to see, Three Men and a Baby (which now sounds like an absolutely disgusting title hearing it after the porn parody). And while I'm certain most people would tap out in trying to defend Guy after this move, I'm still all-in on defending him! Maybe, due to the brain damage, he really does think this is the Tom Selleck movie! Maybe he can't parse all of the social information out on the streets in this neighborhood that distinguish it as a less-than-moral place to hang. Perhaps he sees the topless woman taking their tickets at the door as some kind of publicity stunt. Or maybe he knows exactly what he's doing which is even greater proof that he's suffering from serious brain trauma! If he thinks this whole date is a good idea that's going to get him laid, he needs some serious help!

Turns out, Ice isn't a fan of this date.

See? Guy is just an Everyman!

Okay, fine. Guy Gardner is a terrible dude. But maybe he'll learn his lesson by the end of this issue! Or maybe Batman will only half-punch him and he'll fall somewhere between despicable jerk and a soppy milquetoast dweeb.

The Black Hand interrupts Guy and Tora's first lover's spat by pointing a potato at them. Unless it's a piece of alien technology. What does Black Hand do anyway? A quick glimpse at his Who's Who entry reveals that his potato gun can absorb and utilize Green Lantern energy. Also, Black Hand is fond of old maxims and clichés. Is that why he got into the porn business? Is there a link between those things that I'm not seeing?

Black Hand fails in his attempt to scare off the Justice League members and winds up simply embarrassing himself. His potato gun misfires in front of Tora and Guy makes some really humiliating jokes about it that didn't reference the potato gun being a penis. But in my mind, I know he laid down some impotency insults that were censored by that stupid Comics Code stamp on the front cover. I bet Guy was so rude that Tora actually got a little bit turned on. Guy and Tora leave Black Hand with his defective rod, enraging him even further even though it's the result he wanted. He decides to get a faux phallus that works and shoot Guy in the face with it.

But he misses which is probably more metaphor about sexual impotency.

This scene is almost like the scene in The Wire when Omar gets killed except Guy didn't get killed. If you think about it a little bit, you would be going, "Oh yeah, you're right, Tess! Interesting!" But only think about it a little bit because if you think about it a lot, you'll begin thinking things like, "Actually, the power dynamics and exchanges between actors here isn't anything like that moment in The Wire!"

Tora wants to help Black Hand, realizing he's going through some mental issues (probably why she also went on the date with Guy. She's quite the sensitive empath). But Guy Gardner just beats Black Hand into unconsciousness. I guess when he comes to, Black Hand realizes he needs to raise an army of undead ring bearers to destroy Guy Gardner.

If even Ice can't stand him, I guess I have to admit he's an irredeemable asshole, brain damage or no brain damage.

After Ice goes to wash the entirety of Guy's existence off of her body, Big Barda shows up to help train Fire with her new power. They go onto the roof so the reader can finally discover the secret behind Fire's new powers.

Holy shit! Fire was the originator of the exploding vagina attack!

For those who don't know, the comic book sound effect "FWASH" means a vagina has just exploded. I thought New 52 Supergirl had invented the power but look at this?! Way back in 1989, Fire was dazzling Big Barda with her exploding front bottom!

Letters from this issue were from Steve Makepeace of Canberra, Australia; Matt Santori of Chicago Heights, Illinois; C.S. of Chapel Hill, North Carolina; Tim Butler of Athens, Ohio; Eric Hess of Satlsburg, Pennsylvania; Damian Townsend of London, England; and T.P. Lamos of Nepean, Ontario. Letterer Bob Lappan finally earns some laurels when Tim Butler declares him the foremost letterer in the business! High praise indeed! I think. Too bad Bob didn't do the lettering on this issue. Whoops!

Justice League America #28 Rating: B+. If you hate Guy Gardner, you'll love this book because it allows you to hate him so much more than usual. If you love Guy Gardner, you'll love this book because you're probably a sociopath and will appreciate his shitty behavior. Just to be transparent, I love the shit-heel! I also love Ice who shines here, giving him a chance and then telling him off many, many times. Probably one or two less times than he needs to be told off. But that's because she's a kind person who only tells Guy what a scumbag he is in the hopes that it will help him evolve. Probably.

Justice League Europe #3 (1989)

Someone's been throwing shit at Power Girl.

This is a good example of a comic book cover that is not iconic. There are many good reasons why this cover is not iconic. But I won't list them because I'm turning over a new leaf. This is one of those leaves that doesn't constantly insult people who put in hours and hours of hard work on a comic book cover that would eventually not be iconic. I'm just going to turn that leaf over so that it covers up all the shit I want to say about Power Girl's hair and her distorted body and Catherine's hair and Wally's face and some concerns over proportions and the colorist fucking up Red Rocket's feet and that vile word balloon. I guess it's more than just one leaf. It's a substantial pile of them and I'm turning them all over for good. I would like to be a good person and not a petty person. Besides, I only spent seventy-five cents on this comic book 33 years ago. What do I have to complain about?! Comic books were practically free entertainment back then. What did young me care if Bart Sears wiped his ass with a cover of Justice League Europe and called it good?! I was just happy to read a comic book with both of Power Girl's breasts in it! I mean with both Animal Man and Metamorpho in it!

Wait. Can I start over and just say, "Bart Sears' art just isn't for me"? Is it too late to take the high road or am I destined to live in the muck forever?!

This issue is called "Another Fine Mess!" which is yet another fine super old reference from Giffen and DeMatteis. I guess it wasn't super old back in 1989. It was just sorta old. And since Keith and J.M. are nearly twenty years older than I am, I suppose it was a reference from their time (if you believe that "their time" includes the three decades before they were even born (which I don't but I wouldn't want to assume that your concept of time is the same as mine)). "Another Fine Mess!" is also a weird title to give this book because I thought Justice League Europe was going to be more serious than Justice League America. How am I supposed to take this team's battle against Nazis and white supremacists seriously when Giffen and DeMatteis are making Laurel and Hardy references in their title?!

Captain's Atom lays it all out for tiny head in armor, long bendy neck head, these eyebrows are about to call you an asshole head, do these goggles make me look like a nerd head, 80s hair head, and The Flash.

Too bad Sue Dibny wasn't in on the meeting because she would have been "wants to suck Captain Atom's cock head."

There she is! Still dreaming about Captain Atom delivering a Hiroshima down her throat.

Captain Atom is in the dark about who might be trying to tie Justice League Europe to neo-Nazi groups or why the Global Guardians are attacking the Justice League or why a bunch of Parisians have been brainwashed into believing the Justice League are white supremacists. My guess is Captain Atom hasn't been reading Justice League America or else he'd realize all the evidence points to Queen Bee and Bialya.

Sue decides to check with Fire and Ice over at the Justice League America comic book because they used to be members of the Global Guardians. She informs them that a Jack O'Lantern and Owlwoman have joined forces with Queen Bee and the terrorist country of Bialya. So now Justice League Europe is all caught up! Elongated Man and Power Girl decide to investigate the old Global Guardians headquarters in Paris. So far, it seems like Sue Dibny is leading this team. She comes up with all the leads and sends the heroes out to investigate. Captain Atom just walks around practically naked not speaking French and upsetting the locals (because he can't speak French and not because his dick is practically hanging out. The French hate the former but love the latter. It's why they love baguettes and the Eifel Tower).

Dressed in their most 80s mufti, Elongated Man, Power Girl, and Animal Man head over to the museum which used to be the Global Guardians headquarters. Power Girl leads the mini-mission while Elongated Man is there to speak French, being the only one who can. I guess Animal Man is there to keep stray dogs away from them.

Wait. That's Wally?! That's two strikes, colorist Gene D'Angelo!

I suppose that could be Buddy Baker and he's just made about being called Wally rather than Wally being upset about being called Kid Flash. Although, really, I paid 75 cents for this thing. I should be lucky the artist decided to even draw hair on them.

You're a more perceptive man than me, Jack O'Lantern! I never would have guessed that was The Flash. And how the fuck did you know that was Elongated Man? His neck is normal length! I know how you recognized Power Girl though.

Jack O'Lantern mind controls the tourists and attacks the Justice League, pretending they attacked the civilians unprovoked. Hopefully he scrubs all the security footage in the place since none of it will show the Justice League attacking anybody. Also he admits that he's setting them up. Also how powerful does he think he is?! He's going up against Power Girl and The Flash! Oh, and, um, Elongated Man, I guess.

The Queen Bee has given Jack O'Lantern some enhancements (not that I know what those are because what were his powers to begin with? Create a spooky mood with flickering lights?) like a Booster Gold force field (which was technology probably stolen from Booster while he was kidnapped in Bialya). He manages to take out Wally and Ralph with some kind of electrical blast. But Power Girl remains standing so he runs. But not before he explains how he isn't running at all and could probably beat her but he has other business to attend to. Then he and Owlwoman set a timer on a bomb to blow up the building before they leave. But they give enough time for Power Girl and the men to get out because they're not bad guys! They're heroes, dammit! Freedom fighters! Revolutionaries! Terrorists! I mean, not that last one. Although they are working for Bialya so yes that last one. Everybody knows everybody in Bialya is a terrorist! It's the only way to not offend any readers! You have to make up a country where everybody is bad just because they're bad and not for any other religious or cultural reason at all! And then you stick it in the Middle East because, well, that was probably just a random coincidence and not meant in any other way at all.

Now everybody in Paris thinks Justice League Europe are a bunch of asshole Americans. Which they totally are! But not for the reasons everybody thinks they are. I don't think Jack O'Lantern had to concoct such an elaborate plan to turn the citizens of Paris against the Justice League. All he had to do was point out that only one of them can speak French and only one of the entire crew isn't American. And that one is Russian! Also just show loads and loads of pictures of Elongated Man's disgusting neck and twitchy nose every night on the evening news and the whole city will want them out in no time!

Power Girl isn't putting up with any more of your shit.

I see why Maxwell Lord sent Power Girl to the European team. He'd have gotten on her nerves way faster than Captain Atom has, after which she'd probably introduce himself to his lower intestines.

Letters this month were from John D. Vazquez of Manati, Puerto Rico; Melissa Page of Nortonville, Kentucky; Jeff Seaman (hee hee) of Yuba City, California; Jerry Muir of Fort Collins, Colorado; Scott R. Pyle of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Daryl Holloman of Jasper Alabama; Phil Puskala of Eau Clair, Michigan; Bob Felber of Woonsocket, Rhode Island; and Todd Bustillo of Cypress, California. Scott Pyle claims Rocket Red is his favorite member of the group so now we all now Scott Pyle is boring. Although Elongated Man is his least favorite so at least I know he's sane. None of the official letter writers mention letterer Bob Lappan even though they lavish praise on everybody else. Typical. Although the final editorial blurb is full of other people's edited letters and the final one from Bill Cuthbertson of Layton, Utah, suggests Gene D'Angelo and Bob Lappan should get their names on the cover because of how important they are to the work. That was probably the funniest line of the entire comic!

Justice League Europe #3 Rating: B. A lot of the letter writers were raving about the story but it, um, just isn't for me! Maybe in 1989, this story was innovative and interesting. But I can't judge it from that perspective anymore! I can only judge it after reading dozens of stories where some villain turns the citizens against Superman or Batman or Wonder Woman. Those stories always made me think, "How easily manipulated do writers think people are?!" But then I saw the way people fell all over themselves to worship Donald Trump and now I'm all, "Oh, yeah. There are terribly stupid, gullible, and hateful people in this world, aren't there?!" Although in this story, the citizens have all been mind controlled so that makes the story okay. That's why it gets a B!

Justice League America #27 (1989)

This must be a dream because Amanda Waller is barefoot and Morpheus is just standing there pretending he's a potted plant.

Blue Beetle was possessed last issue so the JLA has called in exorcist, um, Amanda Waller? I wouldn't trust Amanda Waller to decondition me from some freak phone call brainwashing accident because I wouldn't want a bomb surreptitiously placed inside my skull. But then I'm pretty smart! Or paranoid. Probably more one than the other. You know which one.

The cover of this issue wasn't done during one of those "All of our covers are parodies of movie posters!" months at DC Comics. The cover artist for this one just did it on a whim (probably at Giffen's suggestion (but also possibly not. Artists are pretty clever and whimsical themselves, you know! That's a free fun fact! You'll have to pay for the rest)).

Amanda might not be appearing here because Blue Beetle was phone-hypnotized by a woman cosplaying a bee. She might just be here on a Max Lord booty call. We all know those two were fucking. A lot.

This issue is called "Mindsnap" which is probably the name of a Magic the Gathering card that makes players groan in physical pain when it's played against them by some douche-bag blue control deck. That's a compliment to people who play control decks! I think I invented the control deck back when the game was still new because I remember everybody I played against hating my fucking guts.

The cover shows Amanda making a house call but the story begins in Belle Reve where Batman, Max, and Oberon have brought Blue Beetle so Amanda can fix him. Sure, he stabbed Oberon and tried to kill Max Lord. Some people might think that should be reported to the police. But no matter what you might think of Batman's violent tendencies toward the mentally ill, the police are even fucking worse. Especially the Gotham Police, the most realistic comic book example of real life police. So Batman thought, "It would be too dangerous to take Blue Beetle to the police. I'd better take him to Amanda Waller instead!"

Why is Murphy criticizing Oberon's sense of humor? Was there a joke somewhere that I missed?!

Murphy's idea of what makes a good sense of humor here is a nice example of the "nobody can take a joke anymore" kind of assholes society is currently riddled with. A certain type of person exists who believe jokes are merely playground insults and derogatory stereotypes. They don't understand how they're the ones with an underdeveloped sense of humor. I've written thousands of comedic comic book reviews and they don't rely on belittling people for a cheap laugh. I mean, they didn't start that way! But you try to figure out the fiftieth way to complain about Scott Lobdell's lazy writing or Ann Nocenti's incoherent dialogue before you lose your mind and just start insulting their parent's genitalia for the blasphemies they let loose on the world! You'd begin insulting Cullen Bunn too if you had to read an Aquaman space adventure where Aquaman never gets to talk to even one dolphin! You were hired to write Aquaman, Cullen! So write a fucking Aquaman script instead of pulling some John Carpenter from Mars script you wrote two years previously and just did a find and replace on "John Carpenter" to stick in "Aquaman."

I don't know what my point was because my point was supposed to be how conservatives think the only jokes are the ones that shit all over somebody and then I suddenly remembered how often I shit all over people. But I like to think I do it for a good reason! I paid $3.99 expecting some high quality entertainment and instead some hack writer decides to shit in my mouth! Am I supposed to just swallow it with a smile and proclaims, "That shit you just shat into my mouth just wasn't for me"? Fuck no! I'm going to blast that asshole the way that asshole's asshole just blasted me!

Anyway, I was wrong about everybody going to Belle Reve. Just Oberon went there to drop off a file with Amanda. Batman has remained behind to interrogate Blue Beetle in his room at the JLA embassy.

Some advice from a (probably?) smart and/or paranoid person: Beetle's reply here is the only one you should ever use if you find yourself being interrogated by the police.

Blue Beetle has been put in quarantine so that he doesn't try to murder again. Fire has also been quarantined for mysterious reasons. I don't think it's been revealed that her entire body now turns into green flames after getting sick from the meta-gene bomb but that's why she's been quarantined. Mostly because J'onn is now terrified of her. Booster and Ice, having lost access to their best friends, decide to hang out at a nearby diner. Luckily it's not the diner from the "24 Hours" issue of The Sandman which was probably on shelves right about the same time (I just did a quick fact check and, yes, this issue and Issue #6 of The Sandman both have June 89 dates. Grandmaster Comic Book Reviewer!).

In 1989, Ty Templeton still needed to work on his butts on barstools drawing technique.

Ice's butt actually looks better than I first thought when looking at the small panel. Booster's is still a bit dumpy. But who cares about guy butts?! Not me! A total man who only gets semi-erect when seeing a naked man's butt and not fully erect like when I see a naked woman's butt or a butt whose gender I have yet to confirm!

Amanda Waller arrives at the embassy (as depicted on the cover!) to deprogram Blue Beetle. Batman makes sure everybody at the embassy knows he feels castrated by this move seeing as he thinks he could do the job better than Amanda. But Amanda is all, "Oh, you're so good at deprogramming, remember that time you were brainwashed and made to kill people even though you still claim you don't kill?" And Batman is all, "This conversation is over!" All Amanda had to do was mention Deacon Blackthorne and Batman broke immediately! Which is weird because the cult leader who brainwashed Batman was named Deacon Blackfire. That's some strong brainwashing!

Blue Beetle, unable to remember nearly killing Oberon and Max Lord, spirals into an existential crisis.

I get why Booster Gold lives on the ragged edge of an existential breakdown because he's constantly living in terrible alternate time lines before he and Skeets fix them but what the fuck has pushed Blue Beetle over the edge? Starbucks getting his Frappuccino wrong for the fourth straight day?

I bet the above panel was the ur-idea for Tom King's take on Booster Gold in his Batman run and his entire Heroes in Crisis series.

Guy Gardner has currently been kicked out of the embassy, probably for making cracks about how Fire burns off all her clothes and fights crime naked now. I'm not sure why her nipples don't turn into little candle flames on top of her other flames. It probably has something to do with the stupid Comics Code Authority. Fascists. Oh, speaking of fascists, I forgot I was talking about Guy Gardner when thoughts of Fire's nipples interrupted. He's taken it upon himself to assault innocent people on the street in the name of justice. You litter? You get fucking beat up. Guy Gardner thinks about justice the same way most people on the Internet do: if somebody has done something you think is terrible, you then have carte blanche to be a raging asshole at that person. Also it doesn't matter if they did the thing. It only matters that you think they did it. Also that thing might not really be terrible. But somebody else on the Internet explained how the thing they did was terrible in such a way as to give you an excuse to treat them like shit on the shoe of another shit that happens to wear shoes and accidentally stepped in shit.

Don't try to use my words against me! As if I don't know that I'm typing this on the Internet. Obviously I'm also a raging asshole.

While interrogating Beetle, Amanda discovers that he's been turned into the Bialyan Candidate.

I'm flabbergasted that Giffen and DeMatteis didn't choose "Niagara Falls" as the activation phrase.

I'm not here to explain my out-of-date references! I'm only here to explain when Giffen and DeMatteis use out-of-date references! Besides, if you're reading this on the Internet, you've got every out-of-date reference at the tip of your fingers. We are living in a time when no reference is out-of-date because they're all so easily accessible.

Blue Beetle attacks Amanda because she said the activation phrase. I'm sure she did it so that she'd have an excuse to kick Blue Beetle's ass. He might be a super hero but there's no way he's powerful enough to beat Amanda Waller in a straight fist fight.

I'm sure Amanda is only saying this out loud so that the embassy cameras can pick it up and she can't be accused of doing it simply to beat up Blue Beetle. Not that anybody would care that she just beat up Blue Beetle. I mean, Maxwell Lord eventually kills him!

That might be the first and only appearance of Amanda admitting to doing something dumb. And, as I pointed out, I'm sure she's doing it to set up a defense against accusations of her mindless violence toward somebody who is currently suffering from some kind of mental break. But then, why can't she punch Blue Beetle in the face when he's going through some shit? If Batman can do it to Guy Gardner, somebody with a history of personality disorders caused by brain damage, doesn't that mean everybody is free to beat up their coworkers, no matter their medical history!? With the exception of punching Batman, of course. That would just be dumb. You don't punch a guy whose mental illness causes him to constantly put people in the hospital (and probably the morgue when the doctors fail to save them from their extensive injuries).

And this is where Tom King got his idea for his Mister Miracle series! Is this the only issue of a comic book Tom King ever read?!

I bet if I think about it longer than I'm willing to think about it, I can come up with a link between all of this Bialyan nonsense and The Sheriff of Babylon.

Blue Beetle's mind was apparently messed with back when he and Booster and Fire and Ice and Batman were running around in Bialya causing trouble. Nobody seems to think, "What if Booster, Fire, and Ice have all been programmed to kill as well?" Nobody would think Batman was programmed to kill because he's already been programmed to kill by years and years of mental trauma brought on by seeing his parents murdered and Alfred not getting him counseling. No programming is going to override the mess inside Bruce Wayne's mind.

While Waller gets back to trying to fix Blue Beetle, there's a scene with Fire in her underwear. Ty Templeton doesn't seem to be an average comic book artist because the scene isn't lascivious. It's just Fire in a nighty talking with Oberon about her accident and how Guy Gardner saved everybody. How? I don't know either because it didn't appear in the story or my memory is terrible. He probably just contained her in a big green bubble until she passed out and nearly died. What a hero! Although he was booted from the Embassy afterward so I'm assuming that after saving her, he just stared at her naked body instead of getting help.

This scene of Beetle undergoing therapy laid out in Giffen's usual 9-panel style has not unconvinced me that Tom King's Heroes in Crisis owes a lot to this issue.

Amanda Waller regresses Beetle until he remembers being programmed. The Queen Bee and Jack O'Lantern put the hypnotic suggestions in him while some other people in the same room were getting it done too. Probably UN officials! But somebody else she names? Booster Gold! Well duh! It was one of the first things I thought of! How stupid is Batman not to think that if Beetle was compromised, the other members of the League in Bialya may have been also! I guess I'm just smarter than Batman! Or more paranoid.

Blue Beetle falls into a coma due to Waller's intruding on his mind and Batman feels the only way to now help him is to go after Doctor Fate. But Doctor Fate is now a man and a woman or something. So Batman just grabs up Kent Nelson sans helmet and godly possession and figures, "Enh. Good enough." Plus he has a puppy!

Letters this month from George Gustines of New York, New York; Bill Thiessen of Port Coquitlam, British Columbia; Josh Stecker of Rancho Santa Margarita, California; Charlie Harris of Tucson, Arizona; Todd Hitchcock of Pulaski, New York; Patrick Scottman of Durham, New Hampshire; Gary Brda of Dearborn Heights, Michigan; and Jody Hamby of Tennessee. None of them praise the lettering of Bob Lappan.

Justice League America #27 Rating: B+. Nobody fought any bad guys (aside from Guy Gardner assaulting a litter bug but I think that might be vigilantism gone mad) so I considered giving this issue an F. But I'm pretty sure we have every single thing Tom King wrote to thank for this single issue so I've got to up the grade to a B+ at least! Hell if it only gave us the following three panels, I'd up the grade that high!

I'll admit that maybe Tom King got his ideas from other places but you'd have to be more convincing in your arguments than most people on the Internet are capable.