I'm not admitting to ever having wrestled with unwrapping an ice cream sandwich in front of a triple X cinema but does anybody know anything about suing over likeness rights?
This cover has a lot going on. The fat guy who is also a slob who is into comic books and stuffing his face in front of a nudie theater strikes me, especially in 1989, as a hat on a hat on a hat on a hat on a hat. In 1989, we automatically knew the four latter things as soon as the artist chose to draw him fat! Remember all the eighties movies where a fat actor played one of the characters? Well, they were constantly stuffing their face and they were a slob and they were always horny (because who would want to fuck them?! Remember how they were fat?!) and, even though it was never explicitly stated because why even take a chance of admitting that comic books are a thing, they were totally into comic books.
Also on the cover: some old guy jerking off to a movie poster; Mark Linn-Baker professing his love to, um, I don't know...a newspaper?; a trash can camouflaging the UPC rectangle; Guy Gardner looking spiffy and like a total scumbag all at the same time; Ice Maiden wondering how the fuck she ever ended up on this date (while also looking spiffy and yet doesn't come off as a total scumbag); a sex theater; and a gang of criminals hanging out over the XXX marquee because horny guys in trench coats are easy marks? Looks like this issue is going to be a good time if you don't mind reading a monthly superhero comic book where nobody saves the world or even a city. But you'll get to see the Black Hand before he was the super powerful Godlike leader of the Black Lantern Corps! So that's exciting, right?!
Also on the cover: some old guy jerking off to a movie poster; Mark Linn-Baker professing his love to, um, I don't know...a newspaper?; a trash can camouflaging the UPC rectangle; Guy Gardner looking spiffy and like a total scumbag all at the same time; Ice Maiden wondering how the fuck she ever ended up on this date (while also looking spiffy and yet doesn't come off as a total scumbag); a sex theater; and a gang of criminals hanging out over the XXX marquee because horny guys in trench coats are easy marks? Looks like this issue is going to be a good time if you don't mind reading a monthly superhero comic book where nobody saves the world or even a city. But you'll get to see the Black Hand before he was the super powerful Godlike leader of the Black Lantern Corps! So that's exciting, right?!
The comic book getting off on the right foot reminding readers that Fire has a great ass.
I have the entire Internet at my disposal but I still don't know what that Miguel Carlione poster is all about. He was probably some huge fashion designer but disappeared in a Mandela Wave.
While the rest of the League are busy, I don't know, unbrainwashing Blue Beetle, I guess, Guy Gardner flies around New York City demolishing entire buildings if he believes immoral things are happening in those buildings. It's the kind of press the Justice League doesn't want but it's also the kind of press you're going to get if you have a Green Lantern on the payroll. At least he isn't out their destroying entire coast cities. Was Guy Gardner previously a cop in this current DC continuity? Because he's totally acting like a cop. He's also suffering from severe brain damage so I won't get on his case too much about this wanton destruction of property. That'd be ableist and I don't want to be like Batman! And the rest of the League, frankly.
While the rest of the League are busy, I don't know, unbrainwashing Blue Beetle, I guess, Guy Gardner flies around New York City demolishing entire buildings if he believes immoral things are happening in those buildings. It's the kind of press the Justice League doesn't want but it's also the kind of press you're going to get if you have a Green Lantern on the payroll. At least he isn't out their destroying entire coast cities. Was Guy Gardner previously a cop in this current DC continuity? Because he's totally acting like a cop. He's also suffering from severe brain damage so I won't get on his case too much about this wanton destruction of property. That'd be ableist and I don't want to be like Batman! And the rest of the League, frankly.
Like me, Ice decides not to be like the rest of the League even though Guy is drinking a Budweiser. I think it's okay to judge somebody in that case, even if they have brain damage.
From the last panel in that batch, you might think Ty Templeton draws beer cans the way Rob Liefeld draws guns but I assure you, cans looked that fucking weird at one time. Although I think Guy's stash of Bud is from a decade earlier than 1989, at least. Also from that last panel, you might think Guy Gardner really is a huge asshole, brain damage or not. Well, I'm not going to argue that point at this time with anybody because I'd rather wait until this unflattering portrait of his character has been forgotten by the person I want to convince that Guy isn't a giant bastard.
Fire offers some wise dating advice and/or more ableist slurs.
Ice believes Guy's attitude after his second bout of brain damage (thanks to Batman) was a cry for help, a peek into the depths of Guy's potential. She's also probably super horny. I bet people are scared to fuck an Ice Goddess. Sounds dangerous! So Tora needs to find somebody who can protect themselves from her frozen ravine. Like a Green Lantern! Imagine fucking the owner of a Green Lantern ring! The possibilities are limitless! Unless you're into piss play.
As Guy and Tora walk along the street, Guy impresses her with his small talk about underground toilets, skimpy costumes, and thigh cheese. Maybe he just impresses me. But if I'm impressed, I can't imagine how Tora isn't!
Meanwhile, news of Green Lantern smashing buildings due to immoral activity has The Black Hand nervous. He's running a strip club and porn theater in New York, just the kind of place Guy Gardner might destroy and/or frequent. Is there a masturbation joke in having The Black Hand go into the sex industry? No? Maybe? If so, just leave it in the comments because after ten years of comic book write-ups, I'm all out of masturbation jokes.
Guy decides to take Tora to see the porn film, Three Men and a Babe. He tries to convince her that it's the movie she wanted to see, Three Men and a Baby (which now sounds like an absolutely disgusting title hearing it after the porn parody). And while I'm certain most people would tap out in trying to defend Guy after this move, I'm still all-in on defending him! Maybe, due to the brain damage, he really does think this is the Tom Selleck movie! Maybe he can't parse all of the social information out on the streets in this neighborhood that distinguish it as a less-than-moral place to hang. Perhaps he sees the topless woman taking their tickets at the door as some kind of publicity stunt. Or maybe he knows exactly what he's doing which is even greater proof that he's suffering from serious brain trauma! If he thinks this whole date is a good idea that's going to get him laid, he needs some serious help!
Turns out, Ice isn't a fan of this date.
As Guy and Tora walk along the street, Guy impresses her with his small talk about underground toilets, skimpy costumes, and thigh cheese. Maybe he just impresses me. But if I'm impressed, I can't imagine how Tora isn't!
Meanwhile, news of Green Lantern smashing buildings due to immoral activity has The Black Hand nervous. He's running a strip club and porn theater in New York, just the kind of place Guy Gardner might destroy and/or frequent. Is there a masturbation joke in having The Black Hand go into the sex industry? No? Maybe? If so, just leave it in the comments because after ten years of comic book write-ups, I'm all out of masturbation jokes.
Guy decides to take Tora to see the porn film, Three Men and a Babe. He tries to convince her that it's the movie she wanted to see, Three Men and a Baby (which now sounds like an absolutely disgusting title hearing it after the porn parody). And while I'm certain most people would tap out in trying to defend Guy after this move, I'm still all-in on defending him! Maybe, due to the brain damage, he really does think this is the Tom Selleck movie! Maybe he can't parse all of the social information out on the streets in this neighborhood that distinguish it as a less-than-moral place to hang. Perhaps he sees the topless woman taking their tickets at the door as some kind of publicity stunt. Or maybe he knows exactly what he's doing which is even greater proof that he's suffering from serious brain trauma! If he thinks this whole date is a good idea that's going to get him laid, he needs some serious help!
Turns out, Ice isn't a fan of this date.
See? Guy is just an Everyman!
Okay, fine. Guy Gardner is a terrible dude. But maybe he'll learn his lesson by the end of this issue! Or maybe Batman will only half-punch him and he'll fall somewhere between despicable jerk and a soppy milquetoast dweeb.
The Black Hand interrupts Guy and Tora's first lover's spat by pointing a potato at them. Unless it's a piece of alien technology. What does Black Hand do anyway? A quick glimpse at his Who's Who entry reveals that his potato gun can absorb and utilize Green Lantern energy. Also, Black Hand is fond of old maxims and clichés. Is that why he got into the porn business? Is there a link between those things that I'm not seeing?
Black Hand fails in his attempt to scare off the Justice League members and winds up simply embarrassing himself. His potato gun misfires in front of Tora and Guy makes some really humiliating jokes about it that didn't reference the potato gun being a penis. But in my mind, I know he laid down some impotency insults that were censored by that stupid Comics Code stamp on the front cover. I bet Guy was so rude that Tora actually got a little bit turned on. Guy and Tora leave Black Hand with his defective rod, enraging him even further even though it's the result he wanted. He decides to get a faux phallus that works and shoot Guy in the face with it.
The Black Hand interrupts Guy and Tora's first lover's spat by pointing a potato at them. Unless it's a piece of alien technology. What does Black Hand do anyway? A quick glimpse at his Who's Who entry reveals that his potato gun can absorb and utilize Green Lantern energy. Also, Black Hand is fond of old maxims and clichés. Is that why he got into the porn business? Is there a link between those things that I'm not seeing?
Black Hand fails in his attempt to scare off the Justice League members and winds up simply embarrassing himself. His potato gun misfires in front of Tora and Guy makes some really humiliating jokes about it that didn't reference the potato gun being a penis. But in my mind, I know he laid down some impotency insults that were censored by that stupid Comics Code stamp on the front cover. I bet Guy was so rude that Tora actually got a little bit turned on. Guy and Tora leave Black Hand with his defective rod, enraging him even further even though it's the result he wanted. He decides to get a faux phallus that works and shoot Guy in the face with it.
But he misses which is probably more metaphor about sexual impotency.
This scene is almost like the scene in The Wire when Omar gets killed except Guy didn't get killed. If you think about it a little bit, you would be going, "Oh yeah, you're right, Tess! Interesting!" But only think about it a little bit because if you think about it a lot, you'll begin thinking things like, "Actually, the power dynamics and exchanges between actors here isn't anything like that moment in The Wire!"
Tora wants to help Black Hand, realizing he's going through some mental issues (probably why she also went on the date with Guy. She's quite the sensitive empath). But Guy Gardner just beats Black Hand into unconsciousness. I guess when he comes to, Black Hand realizes he needs to raise an army of undead ring bearers to destroy Guy Gardner.
Tora wants to help Black Hand, realizing he's going through some mental issues (probably why she also went on the date with Guy. She's quite the sensitive empath). But Guy Gardner just beats Black Hand into unconsciousness. I guess when he comes to, Black Hand realizes he needs to raise an army of undead ring bearers to destroy Guy Gardner.
If even Ice can't stand him, I guess I have to admit he's an irredeemable asshole, brain damage or no brain damage.
After Ice goes to wash the entirety of Guy's existence off of her body, Big Barda shows up to help train Fire with her new power. They go onto the roof so the reader can finally discover the secret behind Fire's new powers.
Holy shit! Fire was the originator of the exploding vagina attack!
For those who don't know, the comic book sound effect "FWASH" means a vagina has just exploded. I thought New 52 Supergirl had invented the power but look at this?! Way back in 1989, Fire was dazzling Big Barda with her exploding front bottom!
Letters from this issue were from Steve Makepeace of Canberra, Australia; Matt Santori of Chicago Heights, Illinois; C.S. of Chapel Hill, North Carolina; Tim Butler of Athens, Ohio; Eric Hess of Satlsburg, Pennsylvania; Damian Townsend of London, England; and T.P. Lamos of Nepean, Ontario. Letterer Bob Lappan finally earns some laurels when Tim Butler declares him the foremost letterer in the business! High praise indeed! I think. Too bad Bob didn't do the lettering on this issue. Whoops!
Justice League America #28 Rating: B+. If you hate Guy Gardner, you'll love this book because it allows you to hate him so much more than usual. If you love Guy Gardner, you'll love this book because you're probably a sociopath and will appreciate his shitty behavior. Just to be transparent, I love the shit-heel! I also love Ice who shines here, giving him a chance and then telling him off many, many times. Probably one or two less times than he needs to be told off. But that's because she's a kind person who only tells Guy what a scumbag he is in the hopes that it will help him evolve. Probably.
Letters from this issue were from Steve Makepeace of Canberra, Australia; Matt Santori of Chicago Heights, Illinois; C.S. of Chapel Hill, North Carolina; Tim Butler of Athens, Ohio; Eric Hess of Satlsburg, Pennsylvania; Damian Townsend of London, England; and T.P. Lamos of Nepean, Ontario. Letterer Bob Lappan finally earns some laurels when Tim Butler declares him the foremost letterer in the business! High praise indeed! I think. Too bad Bob didn't do the lettering on this issue. Whoops!
Justice League America #28 Rating: B+. If you hate Guy Gardner, you'll love this book because it allows you to hate him so much more than usual. If you love Guy Gardner, you'll love this book because you're probably a sociopath and will appreciate his shitty behavior. Just to be transparent, I love the shit-heel! I also love Ice who shines here, giving him a chance and then telling him off many, many times. Probably one or two less times than he needs to be told off. But that's because she's a kind person who only tells Guy what a scumbag he is in the hopes that it will help him evolve. Probably.
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