Bart Sears draws so many muscles that they had to increase the price of the comic to $1.00.
Did I mention I'm not much of a fan of Bart Sears' art? I don't want to go on and on about it because I don't want to hurt Bart Sears' feelings the way I hurt the feelings of Cullen Bunn. Also I'm a better person now. Not that I was a terrible person before! I still stand by my view that Cullen Bunn's Aquaman was worse than stepping in a steaming dog turd in sandals. What I meant was I'm better at picking out and reading comic books that don't suck.
I'm not going to critique the cover but if you want to know what I hate about it, just look at it. If you don't see a bunch of things that you hate about it as well, then what can I tell you? You like terrible things and have poor taste. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
This issue is called "Stagg Party!" Get it? No, of course you don't because nobody has called a party a "stag party" since Happy Days was on television. Maybe they still call them a "Stag Do" across the pond the way they call the female version a "Hen Do." But I don't live across the pond so I'm probably talking bollocks. Unless America is "across the pond." Maybe both countries are "across the pond," depending on which one you're currently standing in. If you're in France, you probably wouldn't call any other country "across the pond" because you speak French.
The joke of the title is that Metamorpho's lover (ew!) is named Sapphire Stagg. So a "Stagg Party" is when you fuck Sapphire. Oh wait. This comic book was written by men who constantly reference Abbott and Costello so there's no way that's what they were going for. I guess they just thought replacing "Stag" with "Stagg" was funny for some reason. Also maybe Metamorpho is going to marry Sapphire this issue and Captain Atom will be forced to throw a stag party! If that's what happens, I bet Wally West does fourteen sexual harassments in this issue. If there isn't a bachelor party, he'll only do three.
Never mind. Rex and Sapphire are already married. I probably knew that. I bet when Wally finds out Rex is married even though Rex didn't know he was married, Wally will suggest throwing him a stag party because Wally is the horniest motherfucker on the planet.
I'm not going to critique the cover but if you want to know what I hate about it, just look at it. If you don't see a bunch of things that you hate about it as well, then what can I tell you? You like terrible things and have poor taste. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
This issue is called "Stagg Party!" Get it? No, of course you don't because nobody has called a party a "stag party" since Happy Days was on television. Maybe they still call them a "Stag Do" across the pond the way they call the female version a "Hen Do." But I don't live across the pond so I'm probably talking bollocks. Unless America is "across the pond." Maybe both countries are "across the pond," depending on which one you're currently standing in. If you're in France, you probably wouldn't call any other country "across the pond" because you speak French.
The joke of the title is that Metamorpho's lover (ew!) is named Sapphire Stagg. So a "Stagg Party" is when you fuck Sapphire. Oh wait. This comic book was written by men who constantly reference Abbott and Costello so there's no way that's what they were going for. I guess they just thought replacing "Stag" with "Stagg" was funny for some reason. Also maybe Metamorpho is going to marry Sapphire this issue and Captain Atom will be forced to throw a stag party! If that's what happens, I bet Wally West does fourteen sexual harassments in this issue. If there isn't a bachelor party, he'll only do three.
Never mind. Rex and Sapphire are already married. I probably knew that. I bet when Wally finds out Rex is married even though Rex didn't know he was married, Wally will suggest throwing him a stag party because Wally is the horniest motherfucker on the planet.
See? If you can't remember your marriage, you can't remember your bachelor party. Which means you need to have a new one!
Oh that caveman looking motherfucker on the cover? That's the caveman, Java. He thinks he's in love with Sapphire but really he just wants to engage in zug-zug. "Love" is too deep a concept for a caveman. But I guess "marriage" isn't because Java and Sapphire were married when everybody, but especially Simon Stagg, Sapphire's father, thought Rex Mason was dead.
Is Rex's head becoming more penis-shaped the closer Sapphire gets to him?
I know the cover shows the love triangle and the first few pages concentrate on it, but that can't be the main thrust of this issue, can it? Aren't these guys supposed to be saving the world?! It's not like they students in some school where they can spend all day acting like Mutant Degrassi. This is a work place! Get to work saving the world, you dumb jerks!
Captain Atom has been called to the New York Embassy for a meeting with Max Lord but this comic book is plotted by Keith Giffen and written by J.M. DeMatteis so good luck finding out what that's about in any reasonable amount of time. Instead there's several pages of Captain Atom refusing to listen to anybody while he whines about how much they all hate him and they're going to punish him. Do they get to the point of why Captain Atom has to meet with Max and Lord in the first scene cut with Captain Atom? Nope although it's just a two-page introduction to the comic. Do they get to the point in the next scene with Captain Atom? Nope. Just another two pages of Captain Atom not listening to anybody. So maybe forget about that plot thread. Apparently nothing important is going on there. What about Ralph and Sue going out shopping and discussing their sex life? That sounds uninteresting and uneventful.
Captain Atom has been called to the New York Embassy for a meeting with Max Lord but this comic book is plotted by Keith Giffen and written by J.M. DeMatteis so good luck finding out what that's about in any reasonable amount of time. Instead there's several pages of Captain Atom refusing to listen to anybody while he whines about how much they all hate him and they're going to punish him. Do they get to the point of why Captain Atom has to meet with Max and Lord in the first scene cut with Captain Atom? Nope although it's just a two-page introduction to the comic. Do they get to the point in the next scene with Captain Atom? Nope. Just another two pages of Captain Atom not listening to anybody. So maybe forget about that plot thread. Apparently nothing important is going on there. What about Ralph and Sue going out shopping and discussing their sex life? That sounds uninteresting and uneventful.
The last of my aging sex drive just left me imagining Sue and Ralph fucking.
Okay fine: imagining Ralph fucking. I'm still imagining Sue fucking! And in my fantasy, she's diddling herself while thinking about fucking Captain Atom!
Ralph has decided to encourage Sue to enjoy herself in Paris in ways that weren't fucking Captain Atom. He's going to go broke fast if shopping is the only thing keeping her off that dick. I mean, assuming Captain Atom has a dick. The images of him in the skin tight spandex cause me some doubts.
Catherine informs Ralph and Sue that Metamorpho's wife has recently arrived.
Ralph has decided to encourage Sue to enjoy herself in Paris in ways that weren't fucking Captain Atom. He's going to go broke fast if shopping is the only thing keeping her off that dick. I mean, assuming Captain Atom has a dick. The images of him in the skin tight spandex cause me some doubts.
Catherine informs Ralph and Sue that Metamorpho's wife has recently arrived.
Is "nutty putty" slang for male ejaculate?
I don't think Sue forgot to whom she was talking. I think Catherine knows she's asking the only person who might be able to provide an answer to that disgusting possibility.
Meanwhile, Rex Mason continues to let Sapphire know that he doesn't remember her when she obviously just wants to get back to making sweet, sweet elemental man love. Why would he take even one page to be convinced?! It's because Bart Sears draws such terrible 80s hair, isn't it? He can't see how hot Sapphire is underneath all the hairspray and exaggerated musculature. But that can't be it either. He looks like a multicolored penis and Sapphire can't wait to hop on him. No wait. That makes sense. That was meant to be an argument as to why he should also want to have sex with an unattractive partner.
It sucks because I know how hot Sapphire Stagg is and here I am having to look at Bart Sears' version of her. I'm in hell!
Meanwhile, Rex Mason continues to let Sapphire know that he doesn't remember her when she obviously just wants to get back to making sweet, sweet elemental man love. Why would he take even one page to be convinced?! It's because Bart Sears draws such terrible 80s hair, isn't it? He can't see how hot Sapphire is underneath all the hairspray and exaggerated musculature. But that can't be it either. He looks like a multicolored penis and Sapphire can't wait to hop on him. No wait. That makes sense. That was meant to be an argument as to why he should also want to have sex with an unattractive partner.
It sucks because I know how hot Sapphire Stagg is and here I am having to look at Bart Sears' version of her. I'm in hell!
Java arrives to get his wife back and, well, now I see Sapphire has a type. Total barf bags.
Oh sorry! I didn't mean to insult most of my readers! I always forget I should pretend to be a typical comic book reading Internet loser. Let me try again.
This guy is 10x better looking than me and he's a beta cuck?! Fucking woke bullshit.
Captain Atom continues to think he's being reprimanded but I think Max is just trying to consult with him so they can get some more European members on the team. It's hard to concentrate on what's going on because Captain Atom has no penis. I know I said earlier that it's hard to believe he has a penis underneath the skin tight spandex. But my brain just processed what I was looking at and his hair is plastered in chrome just like the rest of his body. Which means he isn't wearing spandex. He just has a veneer of chrome all over his naked form.
This guy's penis is 10x bigger than mine and he's a beta cuck?! Fucking woke bullshit.
There's a good chance 90% of the rest of my captions will be in that format.
Metamorpho finally remembers how Sapphire said her father made her marry a caveman and so he finally gets around to yelling at her about it. Men and their egos! So fucking fragile. Out of all the shit to figure out, Metamorpho concentrates on the possibility that the wife he doesn't remember and cares nothing about might have fucked a caveman. She deflects by announcing that Rex is the father of her baby. He asks if it's a boy or a girl. By Sapphire's reaction, I get the feeling nobody can even tell if it's organic. "Congratulations! You have a healthy purple, white, and orange gravelly discharge!"
Metamorpho lays eyes on Java and all of his memories return. Seems weird. Get a face full of Sapphire's gorgeous ass and nothing. Look into Java's grotesque mug and it's a medical miracle. Psychologically, I don't know what this says about Metamorpho but if I were a teenage doctor from the 80s, I'd probably say, "Rex is gay."
Remember Doogie Howser? He was gay! I mean, the actor who played him was gay. What was his name? Doctor Horrible? Anyway, Doogie wasn't gay. He might even have been sporking the hottest girl on television at the time! And I don't know how old she was or remember who she was but I was as old or younger than her at the time so I can remember how many boners she gave me then without it being weird. What was weird was Doogie's best friend, the Italian weasel.
You may have noticed I have a problem remembering names and things. Maybe I'm Metamorpho?! Where the hell is my Sapphire Stagg?! And don't "Birches" me, universe! Don't here my plea and be all, "Oh, you want to go all the way to heaven, do you? Here's the fucking caveman you forgot too!" Stupid Robert Frost and God.
Fuck. Most of the previous paragraphs probably won't mean anything to anybody reading this in 2022. Sorry. I guess I've always been pretty transparent about how writing these things was just an exercise in entertaining myself anyway.
Captain Atom returns to keep Java and Metamorpho from destroying the place by yelling at them and sending them to his office to be yelled at some more.
Metamorpho finally remembers how Sapphire said her father made her marry a caveman and so he finally gets around to yelling at her about it. Men and their egos! So fucking fragile. Out of all the shit to figure out, Metamorpho concentrates on the possibility that the wife he doesn't remember and cares nothing about might have fucked a caveman. She deflects by announcing that Rex is the father of her baby. He asks if it's a boy or a girl. By Sapphire's reaction, I get the feeling nobody can even tell if it's organic. "Congratulations! You have a healthy purple, white, and orange gravelly discharge!"
Metamorpho lays eyes on Java and all of his memories return. Seems weird. Get a face full of Sapphire's gorgeous ass and nothing. Look into Java's grotesque mug and it's a medical miracle. Psychologically, I don't know what this says about Metamorpho but if I were a teenage doctor from the 80s, I'd probably say, "Rex is gay."
Remember Doogie Howser? He was gay! I mean, the actor who played him was gay. What was his name? Doctor Horrible? Anyway, Doogie wasn't gay. He might even have been sporking the hottest girl on television at the time! And I don't know how old she was or remember who she was but I was as old or younger than her at the time so I can remember how many boners she gave me then without it being weird. What was weird was Doogie's best friend, the Italian weasel.
You may have noticed I have a problem remembering names and things. Maybe I'm Metamorpho?! Where the hell is my Sapphire Stagg?! And don't "Birches" me, universe! Don't here my plea and be all, "Oh, you want to go all the way to heaven, do you? Here's the fucking caveman you forgot too!" Stupid Robert Frost and God.
Fuck. Most of the previous paragraphs probably won't mean anything to anybody reading this in 2022. Sorry. I guess I've always been pretty transparent about how writing these things was just an exercise in entertaining myself anyway.
Captain Atom returns to keep Java and Metamorpho from destroying the place by yelling at them and sending them to his office to be yelled at some more.
Ralph is going to inexplicably get his brains fucked out tonight.
Animal Man is probably standing outside channeling a dog and telling Ralph, "You're wife is looking at Captain Atom again." Get it? Because he can smell Sue absolutely ruining her underwear.
Just as quickly as she arrived, Sapphire leaves with her father and Java. Metamorpho stays behind, super sad that none of his friends in The Outsides came looking for him. That's probably because Halo is in a coma, Dr. Jace was a Manhunter, Looker was a vampire or something, Geoforce was an asshole, and Katana was busy being married to a sword. Maybe now that Rex remembers them, he should look them up! Or he can just keep pouting and end up being the guy in their memory who never thought to call them!
Fuck it. I'm not reading the letters pages anymore.
Justice League Europe #5 Rating: C. While the story revolved around Metamorpho and The Outsiders were always one of my favorite comic books, which means I enjoyed reading his story, I can't give this issue a high grade because what the fuck are these idiots doing?! I suppose there can't be an international incident every month (sometimes one that's even triggered by people other than the JLE!) and they need some down time. But during their down time, shouldn't they be preparing for the up times?! Maybe Power Girl and The Flash were busy doing that. The European Embassy of the League just seems like a nice place American superheroes can come to relax. Sure, they have to put up with being called an asshole and a Nazi occasionally, but all-in-all, seems like a pretty chill gig so far. Also Captain Atom's lack of cock always drops a comic half a letter grade.
Just as quickly as she arrived, Sapphire leaves with her father and Java. Metamorpho stays behind, super sad that none of his friends in The Outsides came looking for him. That's probably because Halo is in a coma, Dr. Jace was a Manhunter, Looker was a vampire or something, Geoforce was an asshole, and Katana was busy being married to a sword. Maybe now that Rex remembers them, he should look them up! Or he can just keep pouting and end up being the guy in their memory who never thought to call them!
Fuck it. I'm not reading the letters pages anymore.
Justice League Europe #5 Rating: C. While the story revolved around Metamorpho and The Outsiders were always one of my favorite comic books, which means I enjoyed reading his story, I can't give this issue a high grade because what the fuck are these idiots doing?! I suppose there can't be an international incident every month (sometimes one that's even triggered by people other than the JLE!) and they need some down time. But during their down time, shouldn't they be preparing for the up times?! Maybe Power Girl and The Flash were busy doing that. The European Embassy of the League just seems like a nice place American superheroes can come to relax. Sure, they have to put up with being called an asshole and a Nazi occasionally, but all-in-all, seems like a pretty chill gig so far. Also Captain Atom's lack of cock always drops a comic half a letter grade.
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