Justice League International #21 (1988)

Shit shit shit. Do I discuss how this cover cemented the entire Blue/Gold dynamic over the next decade or Fire's irresistible lady bulge?

Well, being that I'm an intelligent critic of comic books, it's not going to be the thing I want to discuss. Although I could probably bluff my way through a discussion of sexism and the male gaze in comics better than I could through an essay about Laurel and Hardy's influence on the Booster/Beetle relationship. What do I know about Laurel and Hardy other than that the skinny guy was constantly getting blamed for horrific accidents by the unskinny guy and then was battered by the unskinny guy's hat while he whimpered and sobbed. It was pretty hilarious at the time! But I don't even know how much of my knowledge of Laurel and Hardy is correct being that I mostly know them through second-hand representations of them, like this cover. But I do know that most comic book readers would never even think, "Why couldn't this cover be Fire and Ice with their heads popping out having a bit of dialogue that references their relationship while Booster Gold's junk was displayed so that your eye automatically follows from the title down his leg and into his crotch?

Oh! Is this cover also the reason why somebody eventually decided to make Blue Beetle fat?! I'm surprised they never gave him a hat so he could occasionally whack Booster across the back of the head with it.

Anyway, check out Fire's crotch. So hot.

Don't worry, my feminist friends! Page one shows that there's more to Fire than just a thick front bottom.

She also has a juicy ass.

It must be a full moon because I can't get my male gaze under control. No, no. Seriously. That's how it works. It's an, um, affliction. I simply can't act any more appropriately!

You were probably too busy looking at Fire's ass eat her costume but did you notice Lobo's bicep in that picture? I'm actually not sure what got me worked up more!

Here are the butts of the other Justice League members, just so you know why I'm concentrating on Fire's:

Blue Beetle's ass. Terrible. I can see the fat guy in him ready to come out.


Booster Gold's ass. Okay. Not too bad. So muscular it scares my dick a bit.


Lobo's ass. Such a pathetic rendition that if Lobo were a real person, I'm certain he'd have a libel suit.


Ice's ass. A perfect encapsulation of Fire and Ice's relationship. Without Fire's ass on this page, I would be raving about this ass.


Guy Gardner's ass. Hmm. Well. Not too shabby, Guy!

Batman's ass is covered by a cape. Oberon's ass was available but he's not really a member of the Justice League, is he? And while I'm sure it was totally awesome and quite a quality ass, Hawkwoman's wings were in the way. I didn't look at Hawkman's ass because I didn't want to have my eyes shoved down my throat. That guy thinks he's a rational and civil human but he's really just an angry prick. So, you know, like Fire said last issue: a Republican.

Even though Page 1 has all that ass on it, Page 2 is even better! I'm surprised I don't remember having an "I love this Ty Templeton's art!" moment when I first read this. I suppose it has to do with how I'm not much of a visual person (which really calls into question why the fuck I read comic books? It's a good question because does it even sound like I enjoy them when you read these "reviews"?!).

Just look at the range of character here. Also take note of the sexy post-ejaculate emission from Barda's "mega-rod."

The panel following this one is, I think, a sex joke?

I would like to sound more confident about recognizing sex jokes because not instantly recognizing sexual innuendo is total virgin shit. And while it's okay to be a virgin, I just want to make it clear that I am totally not a virgin.

I shouldn't joke about virgins and virginity even if it's at my own expense. My guess is that virginity is the number one reason men become so angry that they want to kill innocent people. When are we going to realize that sex work saves lives? We need to decriminalize sex work, destroy the negative stigma of paying to have sex, and get young men laid as quickly as possible. No, I know what you're thinking but what I'm thinking is this: "Especially the religious ones!"

Also, sex work would be good for young women as well. That way their first sexual experience can be with a male sex worker with loads of experience who knows what they're doing so that the young woman doesn't have to put up with some frantic, pawing young man who comes as soon as his dick touches any part of her body.

Of course, that's sort of the whole problem with conservative and religious men who want to control women's sexuality. They know that if they can't control women's sexuality through religion and law, and if women are as free as they should be to have sex, especially with good looking men who know what they're doing, they'll never get laid again. Which, if you've been following along, is a problem my first point about sex work solves! See?! You don't have to trick or oppress women into having sex with you if you make sex work safe and available to everybody!

I'm not looking to debate! Those words were all just to fill out this review with words that weren't "Fire's ass" or "Fire's crotch" or, alternately when Fire isn't on panel, "Ice's boobs." I mean, I believe them but in a more complex and serious way than how I just expressed them!

Lobo follows Big Barda into the orphanage so he can kill her and the other Justice League members he was actually paid to kill while Batman encounters the new and improved Rocket Fred.

I mean, it's really not that dissimilar, Fred. Also he's the Goddamned Batman. He add up all the clues like a guy in red and white flying armor singing The Underdog theme tune? Andy Kaufman's dead at this point so it must be Rocket Red.

Barda doesn't tell the Justice League why they've just been teleported to Apokolips. They're simply expected to begin punching anything that comes within arm's range. I don't mean to be consumed by a modern awareness of everything but that doesn't strike me as the best way of being a hero. "Hey, Big Barda just teleported us into this YMCA because Scott has been taken hostage so I guess we just start punching all of these young men and boys in the face?!" I don't know. Maybe it's just me. But I'd have questions.

Ice has questions. They all have questions. What I meant is I'd have questions before I actually began freezing people in solid blocks of ice.

The Cluster continue to hover above Apokolips waiting for Manga Khan's order on what to do next.

I love how K-Dikk has a little satellite dish on his head, presumably to pick up the messages from the interdimensional pink space laser.

Kanto the assassin drops by to point out that Granny Goodness and Doctor Vundabar are making a huge mistake by creating all of this chaos on Apokolips over a guy who is simply going to escape them at the last moment. Neither Granny or the Doctor laugh at Kanto's dress style which totally destroys my suspension of disbelief.

This guy doesn't just get to walk into a room and not be made fun of.

Pardon me while I stop this review for a moment to fan myself. Whew. Ty Templeton's version of Big Barda is putting me through hormonal fluctuations I haven't felt since I was fifteen. Which is weird because I was sincerely expecting Lobo to be the character to make me feel like this.

Martian Manhunter and G'nort have been captured and Big Barda gets jumped by Lobo before she can take the fight back to Granny Goodness. So the only person who knows what is going on and seems to be doing a decent job of defending himself is Rocket Red. Seems like Keith and J.M. made a writing mistake here.

I just said all this! I suppose I could go back and erase what I previously wrote and let these two panels do all the summation for me but then I'd miss a chance to call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader for anticipating this momentary recap in the middle of the comic book. Although I'm not sure how Oberon knows Martian Manhunter and G'nort have been captured.

You may have noticed that I keep spelling G'nort's name with an apostrophe and yet that isn't how it's written in this comic book. I'm fairly certain he gets an apostrophe added to his name at some point so I'm g'not going to stop doing it.

During the battle, Oberon falls into a grate and winds up in Darkseid's reading room where Darkseid is reading Mein Kampf. Except it's spelled Mein Kamph. Is that a joke or did the editor request that they change it so just really stupid people who don't pay attention to anything might not notice? And what is it supposed to mean, anyway?! That Hitler was so terrible that even Darkseid can learn a thing or two from him? Or does Darkseid enjoy it for some light, humorous reading?

Darkseid also has some comic books on the shelf under his end table: a Mister Miracle comic book and what looks like one about The Doom Patrol.

Off-panel, Oberon explains what's going on and Darkseid decides to end it. I guess he's just tired of this shit? He explains how he isn't interested in keeping Scott Free against his will and demands they all leave shut the fuck up and leave his home. Lord Manga Khan ends the contract with Lobo, paying him in full so he stops trying to kill everybody. He Booms everybody back to Earth and that's that! I guess you can't get a better deus ex machina than frigging Darkseid, right?!

Yes, that was a little anti-climactic! You can usually tell right about when I lose interest in the comic book I'm reading by how quickly I go from scanning panels and discussing the minutiae of a scene to simply summing up fifteen pages in one paragraph.

Letters this month are from Charles J. Sperling of Flushing, New York (again!); Jimmie Moss of Baton Rouge, Louisiana; Brad Dent of Wilmington, North Carolina; Tom Longfellow of Elkridge, Maryland; Bernard J. Delurey of St. John's, Newfoundland; and Scott Lawrence of Address, Unknown. And not a single one of them praised the Letterer! Such a shame. I mean, I'm not going to do it! But I was hoping somebody would be gallant enough to throw the Letterer a one once in a while

Justice League International #21 Rating: B. That's respectable, right? And yes, I know Lobo was in it. But he didn't get to kill even one person. At all! And I thought the writing team made a mistake when J'onn was captured so easily. That one pales in comparison with not having Lobo kill at least a dozen people in any issue he appears in. Anyway, the humor mostly stayed at an enjoyable level with just a few moments where I'd rather the "funny" character had just stayed silent. I did find some of the earlier issues a bit annoying. But I'm really starting to see in the writing and art the series I remembered so fondly from when I was a teenager.

Justice League International #20 (1988)

Hopefully Manga Khan's deal begins with "We've recovered one of your stolen goods and are returning it to you in good faith to open up future trade negotiations."

Mister Miracle has one super power: escaping. So he's either faking or he's as useless as Batman or Aquaman in space. Sure, he could have escaped Manga Khan but then he'd just be left floating in space.

This is a great comic book cover, by the way. In 1988, DC still had a problem with attribution for its covers but this one is signed "the guy." I'm guessing guest artist Ty Templeton went by "Ty the Guy" since the art on the cover matches the art on the inside pages. No wait! No need to guess at all! I just noticed, if you bend the cover so you can see the art that trickles onto the slim spine, there's a tiny "ty" in front of "the guy"! Anyway, my point was I love this cover. Full of personality and has that animation slash cartoon quality that I really love.

Small bit of trivia probably nobody cares about but me: this is the first of like 5000 comic books I've reviewed which has Ty Templeton as the artist. But I think he got his start at DC on Booster Gold which I re-read within the last couple of years. But it looks like I didn't review them? What the fuck is wrong with me?! Here's my mini-review from what I can remember: "Booster Gold is basically Inspector Gadget from the future and Skeets is his Penny. I think he battles advertising and corporations or something. Skeets is full of his semen (which probably explains 52)."

This issue is called "If It's Tuesday, This Must Be — APOKOLIPS!" Knowing Giffen and DeMatteis, that's probably a reference to pop culture that was already old by 1988. Consulting Lord Google, If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium was a movie from 1969. Granted, there was a TV Movie "sequel" from 1987, If It's Tuesday, It Still Must Be Belgium, which means older people in 1988 still had it in their collective memories. Not that Giffen and DeMatteis were "old" in 1988. But they were older than me! My guess is that next issue will be called, "If It's Tuesday, It Still Must Be — APOKOLIPS!" Ian McShane was in the 1969 movie so maybe I'll give it a watch to see how many people he calls a cunt in it.

The movie was "based on" (inspired by?) a New Yorker cartoon. Hollywood pitch men are fucking shameless. "Man, did you see that cartoon in The New Yorker last week? The one about traveling through Europe? That could be a movie, right? Maybe a Herbie the Love Bug film?!" The title song was written by Donovan and sung by J.P. Rags. It's actually pretty fucking fantastic. Especially the version by Bojoura.

How did we ever understand people from other generations in a world without the Internet?! Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis were only about 20 years older than me and, at sixteen, their references as 36 year olds were completely lost on me! I used to say that I couldn't really get along with or understand anybody born after Empire Strikes Back. But the Internet changed all of that. Now kids know everything I know now by the time they're twelve.

Are you really a doctor if your PhD is in "excruciating torture"?

That was a joke! I don't care what your PhD was in. I'll call anybody a Doctor. Except for Gene Simmons. I'm going to first need proof that you got a degree, "Doctor" Love.

Hopefully Apokolips has a sex offender registry and Granny's name is at the top of the list in big bold block letters.

Manga Khan wants to trade Mister Miracle for Boom Tube technology. My guess is that he'll wind up trading Mister Miracle for his own life when Darkseid shows interest in the bartering. Although I'm sure it will never get that far as Martian Manhunter, Barda, G'nort, and Rocket Red have crashed on Apokolips in their terrible attempt to save Scott Free.

Don't worry, J'onn. I've been wondering that for you this entire time.

The Justice League have crashed in a part of Apokolips called the "Armagetto" which just seems implausible. Although I suppose everybody speaking English across the majority of the universe is also implausible. I guess the Green Lantern ring on G'nort's fist accounts for the ability of everyone to understand everyone else. But that just shunts the implausibility off to the Green Lantern ring! Luckily it's at this moment that I remember I have the facility to suspend my disbelief and I eagerly do so.

Luckily the Armagetto is full of rebellious citizens of Apokolips ready to help them save Scott Free. I think that means Darkseid isn't as scary as I thought he was. I would expect them all to be snitching immediately to the closest Parademon. But instead, they spend the few minutes or so since the Justice League arrived to build Rocket Red a new suit made with Fourth World technology.

Oh, they didn't build this. This is just an old suit they had lying around that looks remarkably like it was built for Rocket Red personally.

Darkseid is too busy to oversee the trade with Manga Khan which means Granny and Lord Manga have to sit around chatting until Darkseid gets back. Or until the Justice League rescue Scott Free. Or until Scott Free rescues himself. I don't remember which of those will happen first people only remember things in far back in their life if they were either terribly tragic or had Lobo in them.

Is the architecture on Apokolips boring and blocky because that's what Jack Kirby thought authoritarian architecture looked like or because Jack Kirby hated drawing buildings?

I know Jack Kirby didn't draw this issue but I'm assuming Ty Templeton is being as accurate as possible in his depiction of the original Apokolips.

The Justice League devise a plan to infiltrate Granny's orphanage unnoticed. It fails immediately. J'onn realizes that one angry wife, a dog with the most powerful weapon in the universe, a Russian in armor who's mostly just there for terrible translation jokes, and a Martian with every single super power in the DC Universe can't defeat all of Apokolips.

What they need to defeat all of Apokolips are a bug-man with no powers, an idiot from the future, and a brain-damaged simp with the most powerful weapon in the universe, apparently.

Granny Goodness and the other one with the stupid German name take Lord Manga Khan prisoner because the Justice League followed him to Apokolips (mostly the Big Barda part of the Justice League). He escapes the prison by taking off his armor and revealing that he's sentient pink gas. Well, that's a surprise even though I've read this before. Remember, I only really remember moments in my life that involved Lobo.

Back on Earth, Lobo and Guy Gardner arm wrestle while Hawkman walks around telling everybody why everything they do that's any fun is wrong.

Exhibit #4,332,226 of my up and coming trial to prove that comic books have always been full of social justice and heavily weighted against conservative modes of thought. Sorry, I don't accept evidence from Frank Miller comics.

You thought I was going to comment on their asses, right? Well, yeah, of course. Look at those asses!

Barda Boom Tubes into the room and takes Blue Beetle, Guy Gardner, Booster Gold, Fire, Ice, Hawkman, Hawkwoman, Oberon, and Lobo back to Apokolips with her. She forgets to get Captain Atom who actually may have been some help. Oh, sure, Lobo would be great help if he was actually one of them and not looking to kill the entire Justice League himself.

I forgot to acknowledge the letter writers in some of my previous posts. I will rectify that now. Not by going back and looking up those I missed! But by continuing to do it from this issue forward! Until I forget again.

Letters this month were from Charles J. Sperling of Flushing, New York; Simon Del Monte of Forest Hills, New York; J.C., Somewhere in Readerland (um, vague!); Elvis Orten of Dawson Springs, Kentucky; Dennis Anfuso from the mountains of New Hampshire; Logan Force IV of Brantford, Ontario; David "Captain Marvel Fan Club" Clarke of Arlington, Texas; Randy Daward of Dixon, California; and Nelson Fox of Oxnard, California.

Charles J. Sperling makes the great point that "Fire has never looked sexier." I would probably have called him chauvinistic at best but then I'd look like the hypocrite I know I am for having pointed out how fine her ass was earlier.

J.C. is a woman who refuses to use her real name because she doesn't want to "become the object of further ridicule by my friends and family." Hey, J.C. You have terrible friends and family. She also writes, "What woman wouldn't want to have a sonic scream when she's being verbally harassed by construction workers?" See, young people? Some of us (I include myself because it makes me seem kinder and more thoughtful about the world and I already pointed out that I am a hypocrite if you read that previous paragraph), even way back in the dark ages of 1988, were concerned about objectifying women and harassing them in public! I don't think this can be an exhibit in the future trial I'm presiding over because the sentiment wasn't by a comic book writer. Although later in the letter she concedes a point made by a sexist letter writer in a previous issue that "Black Canary sometimes comes off as a 'female chauvinist.'" I don't see this as a fault in J.C. at all. This is just part of the problem of Social Justice and Social Awareness in 1988. You didn't want to seem irrational by being too extreme and often conceded terrible points to awful people. Especially if you were a woman harangued by men who simply believed anything that came out of their mouth was rational by the mere fact they're a man.

Justice League International #20 Rating: A+. Remember, I mentioned Lobo was in a scene. That's a Godsend when coming up with a rating because it means an automatic A+. And, yes, I know I didn't rate the previous issue with Lobo battling Guy so high. But you can't sue me because I already admitted to being a hypocrite. Suck it, faithful reader!

Justice League International #19 (1988)

This is probably the original cover that caused me, whenever I saw similar covers, to simply think, "Now kiss!"

Even for the late 80s, Lobo and Guy Gardner both had fucked up haircuts.

First, let's take a look at the inside cover advert from our delicious corporate overlords, M & M's:

I'm sorry if this truth is a little too raw for the post-physical-bullying generation but if this guy showed up like this to Winchester Skate Park, he would have gotten his ass handed to him.

I know, I know! Nowadays, we're all just dying to get our hands on a free M & M's painter's cap and an M & M's custom designed shirt (not to mention the weird modern art covered skateboard). But this was the late 80s! If you didn't have the style of Lobo or Guy Gardner, your head was destined for the bottom of a toilet bowl. Which, ironically, would give you both Lobo and Guy Gardner's haircuts.

This issue is called "No More Mr. Nice-Guy" which is almost the title of an Alice Cooper song except Alice had the sense not to put a stupid dash between "nice" and "guy."

Guy Gardner suffered brain damage from an accident with Hal Jordan's power lantern. Then he suffered brain damage from Batman's fist. Last issue, he suffered more brain damage by being at direct center of a Boom Tube opening. Now he's fighting Lobo and he flies head first at full speed into a lamppost. That can only mean one thing!

Oh wait. Guy's fine this time. Batman must punch really hard.

I probably didn't know much about Lobo when I picked up this comic book in 1988, having never been even close to tempted into reading The Omega Men, which means this is probably when I fell in love with Lobo, even if he is nowhere close to looking his sexiest. Maybe this is also when I fell in love with Guy Gardner. Is this why I modeled my adult persona around being an abrasive asshole?

The fight between Guy Gardner and Lobo reminds me of the fight between Superman and Doomsday except it's far less serious and way more bad-ass. I really don't know why DC had to create a whole new character to kill Superman when Lobo was just sitting right there on his space hog looking hot and sexy. We all know Lobo could have done it if he'd really wanted to. Or, you know, if the writer had decided Lobo could kill Superman. But no! The writer had to be Dan Jurgens and Dan Jurgens was all, "Duh! I'm going to make a huge mistake and not have Lobo kill Superman! Duh! I'm a dummy!"

I hope Dan Jurgens doesn't search the Internet for his own name because I'd feel really bad if he read that and started to cry. I'm sorry, Dan. I don't really think you're a big dummy. It's just that I get really passionate about two things: Lobo and comic book writers who make huge mistakes by not having Lobo kill Superman. Those are my two biggest pet peeves.

The Justice League break up the fight and invite Lobo in for coffee and doughnuts. Lobo, not having signed anything that would make sure he gets paid for killing these guys, decides to stop killing these guys. That makes sense because who wants to do their job if they're not getting paid for it? Only sociopaths! Which means Lobo is a completely rational and reasonable dude. Which means every citizen of Czarnia must have been a complete and utter shite-head.

Through an unfortunate mishap called "conversation," Lobo learns that he was Boom Tubed right into Justice League headquarters. He decides to wait around for the jerks he fought in space to return before he kills them all and earns himself ten years worth of space dolphin chow. I wonder how long ten years is in Lobo's junkyard home? I suppose everybody in the DC Universe simply reverts to using Earth measurements because Earth is the only place where humans exist and they're special because they fall in love and have willpower and, I don't know, are based on the writers of the comic book universe, I guess? Humans rock!

Max decides Lobo should be granted temporary admittance to the League which just shows what a terrible leader Max Lord is. I guess he got confused because Guy and Lobo just met and instantly got in a big fight which must mean this was one of those comic book misunderstandings where two good guys wind up fighting. Therefore Lobo is a good guy who must be hired without any kind of background check. Batman arrives and instantly shits all over the idea. But then Batman shits on every idea, making the meaning of "shitting on ideas" completely worthless. Which is more proof that Lobo should be on the team, I think. Plus Batman doesn't already know about Lobo?! What kind of super detective is he?! Oh yeah, that's right. The kind who bases his whole career on a confused bat crashing through his window in the middle of the night.

The rest of the issue turns into a recruitment drive which seems like a huge double cross after that cover of Lobo about to kiss Guy Gardner. And it's a terrible recruitment drive! They hire the cosmic assassin Lobo. Black Canary quits. Captain Atom talks Max out of hiring Major Force. The Flash misses his invite. Superman turns down Batman. And Batman convinces Hawkman and Hawkwoman to join (yes, convincing Hawkman to join is worse than him refusing to). This team sounds like they're in huge trouble without even needing to find any enemies to battle.

Meanwhile in space, Barda realizes where The Cluster must be going with Scott: to Apokolips to trade him to Darkseid. So they're off to the most dangerous place in the DC Universe in 1988!

Justice League International #19 Rating: C-. Normally, if an issue features Lobo, it gets an A+. But Lobo just sits around in the dark getting flirted at by Fire. He barely does anything! He doesn't even kill Guy Gardner! And, of course, he's not really all that attractive here. He doesn't really become a super hot hunk of killer love until Simon Bisley gets his pencil on him.

Cerebus #38 (1982)

This is the High Society movie poster.

If this cover were actually a movie poster, it would need Astoria standing backwards next to Cerebus, her taut ass in full frame as she twists around to look at the camera so that you could also get a glimpse of her tits.

It's time for Petuniacon Day Two! And what better way to start the second day then having Astoria scream at Cerebus to wake up and get dressed. As if she were his mother. Which, seen that way, will really make me uncomfortable in a future issue of Church & State. I don't mean to suggest the scene where Cerebus rapes Astoria didn't make me uncomfortable before. But now I'm going to have to work out a whole bunch of other issues pinging around inside my brain when I get to that point.

On the way to wherever Astoria is leading him, he runs into the two characters whom I've never seen referred to by any kind of nickname. The Frat Friends? The Posh Pals? The Crypto Bros? Cerebus discovers they've both been beaten silly by Elrod in a display of swordsmanship. One claims to have been the top swordsman in his class in a suggestion that Elrod knows his way around a big rusty sword. Cerebus could probably prove that Cerebus is even better but Astoria might scold him to death.

Pretty sure drawing this frog's egg carpet over and over again is what finally forced Dave to hire Gerhard.

Cerebus is late for a Petuniacon panel called, "Us and Them: Eradicating Them." That's one of the favorite panels at CPAC each year. On the panel with him are Lord Julius from Palnu, Elrod from Melvinbone, and K'cor from Imesh. Pretty sure K'cor already eradicated "them" so he'll probably have some pertinent wisdom to lay down. All of the representatives in attendance seem to be in favor of Elrod, along with Lord Julius (of course) and King K'cor.

Cerebus, arriving late to the panel, only manages to sit in on the question and answer section. A scribe for the current Pope records the final question to the panel.

Elrod probably should have chosen an answer that Cerebus can't prove untrue simply by beating him half to death with the sword Jaka brought back.

Later when Cerebus is back at his table drawing sketches of rocks and potato salad for the representatives, he discovers they've all suddenly begun speaking like Elrod. Foghorn Leghorn, that is.

Cerebus was Jim from The Office while Jim was still in diapers.

Cerebus's next panel is called, "Graft—Boon or Blessing?" It's the exact same people who were on the first panel. I don't think there are any other "celebrities" to see at this Petuniacon. It's practically like Comicon in the years before the first X-men film!

Oh man. I'd forgotten this line by K'cor. So good!

I'd forgotten how often I'd use K'cor's hitting the squeaky wheel with a hammer line. I'm pretty sure it was overwritten in my brain by the later line of Elrod's in the "trapped in a closet" issue: "Squeak, I say, squeak!"

The transcripts for this panel are by a scribe taking notes for both Cirin and Astoria. You know. The Mothers and the Daughters.

Cerebus finally gets sick and tired of Astoria's "be calm and collected" political attitude. He's had it up to his pointy bunny ears with Elrod and his "I'm the greatest sword fighter in the world" attitude. He decides, once and for all, to make Elrod prove it in front of all of Elrod's new hangers-on and supporters.

Cerebus could have learned that he's better off doing things his own way at this moment. But he doesn't learn that yet. If ever.

Elrod breathes a sigh of relief when Astoria interrupts his murder and calls Cerebus to heel. She does this by telling him all the perks he'll get as Prime Minister, a position he's got a real chance of winning if he avoids murdering Elrod. Cerebus eventually relents although he still needs to murder somebody so he heads down to the Ram's Lord's Tavern to slaughter some poor people and drunks. See? He's already taking his future position of Prime Minister seriously!

A bunch of letters this month from people who couldn't get enough of soppy Cerebus weeping over a girl. What a bunch of losers!

Cerebus #38 Rating: A. This issue has some really solid jokes and Dave's artistic portrayal of Cerebus somehow keeps getting better and better. I keep thinking Dave's perfected his style and Dave keeps improving. Although Astoria never appears in a bikini which is why I couldn't give this issue an A+.

Bonus Book! #7 (Justice League International #18) (1988)

"Don't anger the wife" was the top plot point of every sitcom until Seinfeld.

Booster Gold's butt looks super weird on this "cover." That's probably because it was drawn by an amateur artist who has never seen an actual butt before.

The issue begins with a quote from the autobiography of the original Mister Miracle, Thaddeus Brown: "A stable home life is essential for escape artists. It's very hard to concentrate on death-defying feats while you're wondering where you'll hang your hat that evening."

What a fucking stupid quote. It's pure bullshit! I'm not an escape artist myself but I like to think I'm capable of reasoning and simple thought! This is so obviously a crutch by the writer of this story, Mark Askwith, to wedge his theme into the reader's mind immediately. Not that anybody needed this trite short cut! We already knew from that terrible cover, especially since we were reading it in 1988! "Oh ho ho," my sixteen year old self probably chortled when getting to the Bonus Book! cover, "Looks like they made the wife angry! That's sure to cause some hilarious conflict full of nagging and impromptu mothering of the child-like husband!"

Where the hell does this idiot think Barda was raised?! If she could learn to iron since leaving the Female Furies, he can fucking learn too!

Immediately after asking Barda if she'll do the ironing simply because she's a woman, Scott Free makes a joke about Oberon's height. I guess the character portfolio DC gave Mark Askwith on Mister Miracle just read, "He's a royal douchebag."

While Barda and Scott discuss who should be doing what chores, Oberon is goofing around downstairs accidentally arming strange machines left by Thaddeus Brown. The device blows up and completely destroys Scott and Barda's house in a huge display of fireworks that light up the neighborhood with the glowing words, "Mister Miracle." A picture of it makes the front page of the Daily Post which means somebody must have been walking by with their camera as soon as it happened. That might not seem ludicrous now but this was 1988!

Barda, Scott, and Oberon are forced to move into the JLI Embassy until their house can be rebuilt. I think all of the other members of the team already live there because they're bachelors. Also they're not escape artists so they don't have to worry about a stable home life interfering with their day job.

Barda tries to fit in by helping out around the place. She cleans and buys groceries and cooks. But instead of thanking her, everybody just gets annoyed because I guess she should just sit around in filth doing nothing while eating junk food? Damn Barda! Always trying to keep everybody alive and clean! Although, she did eat J'onn's Oreos. On one hand, I get it. Oreo's are delicious! I would eat J'onn's Oreos too! On the other hand, if they were my Oreo's, Barda is a fucking asshole who needs to be stopped!

Batman's solution to get the person actually doing chores and cooking and buying food (meaning Oreo's) out of the house? Rebuild Scott and Barda's house! That'll solve the huge problem of having somebody who actually lifts the slightest finger out of all the lazy assholes' hair!

Things do not progress swiftly with Barda gone because the rest of the JLI are huge fuckups.

I think the joke is supposed to be that even though Barda tries to help, she's a big klutz or is always in the way or something. Like she vacuums but nobody says, "Oh, she's incompetent at vacuuming!" Instead, it's "Oh the vacuum is making the television staticky!" (That's a thing that actually used to happen back before technology got good.) And it's not like, "Oh, thanks for buying all of the groceries, Barda!" because she drops one egg on Beetle's head and it's all, "Why doesn't she stop being helpful, dammit?!" And then she cooks "Beef Flambé" but it's on fire, as per the name, which causes Martian Manhunter to freak the fuck out. It's not like she throws it at him?! Calm down, you pussy! The only real complaint any of them should have is J'onn because she does eat his Oreos.

But see, the joke doesn't work because Barda is actually being quite helpful in all of these situations and it's the guys who just aren't grateful and, actually, are huge assholes about her living with them. So when they're all, "We should be able to build a house without Barda fucking it up," it's not funny at all! I was thinking, "Wait. She would be a big help, wouldn't she?!" But then I went back to scrutinize all the ways in which the story tried to prove she was a klutz and I was left thinking, "This story is terrible at proving she's a klutz!" Anyway, Guy Gardner uses his ring to make the nails and then his ring runs out of charge and the house collapses. I'm pretty sure Barda would have been happy to purchase actual nails and nail them into actual lumber. Fucking assholes.

Bonus Book! #7 Rating: F-. The only good thing about this Bonus Book! is that it gave Mark Pennington his start, I guess? His job before this was thinking up new G.I. Joe's like "Razor Clam" and "Billy Hoodinks." Hmm, I wonder if I could get a job thinking up new G.I. Joes?

Justice League International #18 (1988)

Early Lobo did nothing for my penis.

Just look at how flaccid ensuring early Lobo's look was! Some bro-dude with spiky hair and thick mascara in a cheap faux-leather jacket with a high collar. Where's the big rippling muscled chest? The strong jaw covered in stubble? The tight leather pants with the skull belt buckle? The massive chain wrapped about his arm because you know what they say about a guy with a massive chain? Whew. I'm sweating just describing him! Instead, we've got this normal looking blue dude?! At least this isn't his first appearance where he's wearing a purple and orange leotard.

How the fuck did Lobo ever become so cool?!

I'm sad that I don't have Lobo's first appearance. I didn't read The Omega Men back in the day because it was one of those DC books that proclaimed, "We know this book is super extra expensive but look at our cool innovation we call Baxter paper! So nice! Pay up, dweebs!" Also it was The Omega Men. Who the fuck were they and why should I care about them?!

Comic book fans don't know how tough we had it back in the day. Imagine living in a world where Lobo didn't give you a boner? Terrible times!

Reading the first page, I'm reminded that Scott Free was kidnapped by Lord Manga Khan and taken into deep space which means I absolutely read the Annual at the wrong time. Except that any time you read an Annual, you're reading it at the wrong time because Annuals are simply never worth reading.

Calm down, DeMatteis. This isn't a Vertigo title.

Martian Manhunter, G'nort, Big Barda, and Rocket Red have travelled millions of light years across the universe in pursuit of Scott Free. Which seems like a waste of time, actually. Scott Free is Mister Miracle and the one super power he has is escaping shit. Shouldn't they just be sitting at home enjoying a good book while waiting for him to return? If I were Mister Miracle, I'd be offended and a little bit hurt that they didn't trust me to do the one thing I'm known for.

Barda's lips scream, "Kevin Maguire drew this!"

As a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I can analyze art and see the tell-tale signs of the artist who drew it. If it's full lips in this precise shape, it's Kevin Maguire. If it's a woman who looks thirteen years old and is wearing a towel after just getting out of the shower and all the men have fish lips, it's David Finch. If the women have clear skin and the men are covered in hundreds of lines and cross-hatching, it's Jim Lee. If all the characters look vaguely the same but seem to be wearing different wigs, it's Steve Dillon. I can probably recognize more artists than that but I can't give all of my secrets away for free! I could probably charge for a Master Class of this shit!

The Justice League catch up to Lord Manga Khan and The Cluster before The Cluster even arrive at the place which the Justice League catch up to them. There's probably a better way to say that but I'm just trying to get through all of the Mister Miracle was kidnapped stuff so I can get to the Guy Gardner battles Lobo stuff!

Here we are introduced to Lobo being (mostly) pleasant for the last time ever.

In his free time, Lobo hangs out in his space junkyard shirtless admiring his space dolphins. Later he'll also hang out with his space dog and some penguins he picks up on his trip to kill Santa Claus. You might be wondering how he would have gotten penguins from the North Pole, but just remember that most writers at DC (even Scott Snyder whom I thought was competent) constantly get the Arctic and the Antarctic mixed up. But feeling serene and chill can only last so long when you're the greatest intergalactic assassin in the world. Pretty soon you get a call from a potential client and it's back to splattering some weird alien's brains all over the inside of their cockpit.

That bit about being the greatest intergalactic assassin in the "world" was a fucking joke. I felt the need to clarify because some of you Internet nerds were probably really starting to feel smarter than me for a second! Not that you aren't almost certainly smarter than me. But I can't have you feeling that way for all the wrong reasons, like taking a joke literally!

I guess this is as cool as things could be in the 80s without destroying reality.

As you can see, Lobo was suffering a bit of an identity crisis in that he was basically Beetlejuice on a space bike. A pretty lame space bike. Luckily, one of the greatest features of the universe is that things get cooler as they move forward in time. Just imagine how cool teenagers will be in 2100! You teenagers today are such squares!

Lobo accepts the job to kill the Justice League. That means this will be the first job of many which he completely fails at. "Of many" because this story begins a fond tradition over the next few years where writers bring in Lobo to battle the main character of their series to prove that their character can defeat, through brains or brawn, the deadliest threat in the DC Universe. Which means after a few years of Lobo failing to murder anybody, he went from deadliest threat to most incompetent intergalactic assassin. Such a shame!

How did I miss this advert when I was sixteen?! My life could have been so different!

Giffen's layout for the next scene is four clever split screen panels where we see the Justice League saying and doing the exact same thing Lord Manga Khan and L-ron are doing. So J'onn and Lord Manga both say, "They're just sitting there!" And then in the next panel, Barda and L-ron both say, "We should make the first move!" Then in the third panel, J'onn and Manga both say, "No. We wait." And then in the fourth panel, apparently the layout was too clever by far because the letterer puts the quotes on the wrong sides of the panel.

I mean, J'onn is psychic so maybe he read Lord Manga's mind and is all, "See? That Lobo guy is definitely coming!" But then I guess Lord Manga forgot that he just hired Lobo in that scenario?

Lobo lands on the Justice League ship and announces himself with a cheeky little "Greetings from Lobo!" This causes Big Barda to shit her costume because she's the only one who has ever heard of Lobo before. You can't count Lobo's arrival as causing G'nort to shit his pants because he'd already shitted them for other, more varied reasons.

Now I'm wondering what a Martian turd looks like. Probably not too healthy looking judging by all the Oreos and Eskimo Pies he eats.

Okay, so G'nort knows who he is as well. So I guess G'nort shit his pants twice.

If Lobo is Czarnian, why would G'nort tell J'onn what his name means in a Khundian dialect? What does "Lobo" mean in Czarnian?! Probably "wolf."

This is the final paragraph in the Khund entry on the DCfandom wiki:

Khunds have two sexes, and live approximately 70 years, although the reds sometimes live up to 140 years and have an average lifespan of 95 years. They reach sexual maturity between 14 and 16 years of age, and can usually reproduce up to age 50 or so for women and 75 for men. Unlike humans, the males also cease to be capable of reproduction, though at a later age then women.

Why do we need this level of detail on Khund sex, lifespan, and how they reproduce?! Especially when it's basically, "They're sort of like humans, mostly." Does every entry on this fandom end in these kinds of details? Are the DCfandom stans obsessed with how many dicks all the aliens in the DC Universe have and where they put them and up until what age?! Maybe I should join.

Barda decides to let Lobo in through the airlock so that he doesn't smash a hole in the ship. Once he's inside, Lord Manga Khan and the Cluster zip off toward Apokolips to sell Mister Miracle to Darkseid, opening up a whole new world of trade in instruments of torture, fire spewing holes in the ground, and, presumably, body bags.

Lobo dismantles Rocket Red's armor in one off-pane "KRUNCH!" meaning that Rocket Red is now just Dmitri and probably soon to be DOA. But J'onn, the greatest member of the Justice League ever, is there to stop Lobo!

The whole "every drop of blood turns into a new Lobo," while pretty fucking bad ass, would actually be a huge pain in the neck for Lobo himself, I'd wager.

Imagine taking a shit that tears a hemorrhoid and then every single drop of butt blood turns into another you! Fucking hell. And how quickly does it happen? Do they turn into new yous while flushing through the pipes?! And then do your clones' drops of blood turn into more clones?! It seems like a giant headache, having to be careful not to accidentally cut yourself chopping vegetables or else you're suddenly going to have to chop more vegetables to serve the other fifteen people now suddenly living with you.

While J'onn stalls Lobo without drawing any blood, Barda begins tampering with her Mega Rod to make another Boom Tube to randomly teleport Lobo away from them across all time and space. Unluckily for Guy Gardner, that completely random place is going to be Justice League Headquarters, Earth.

Barda's plan works although, if she knows who Lobo is, then she also knows he doesn't give up on a contract. So teleporting him away is just a delaying tactic. Unless she purposefully teleported him to Guy Gardner's location?! I mean, she says that the settings she used teleported him randomly. But given everybody's hatred for Guy Gardner, and given that Barda knows all about Lobo, she must have done it on purpose to make sure he stays out of their hair. Because the only way Lobo doesn't immediately come back to kill them to fulfill his contract is if he finds more Justice League members to kill. That Big Barda is pretty crafty!

Dammit, Oberon! Move your fat head! I'm pretty sure Fire's labia is hanging out!

Fire decides everybody should just chill out for a bit and not worry about League business while the grown-ups are away (J'onn and Barda). She points to Guy Gardner as an example because she and Ice have only known his "One Punch" personality.

Yikes, Oberon. Ixnay on the rainbay amageday!

Guy Gardner isn't brain dead. That's just a clever little joke by Oberon to point out that Guy is actually suffering from some pretty serious brain trauma after Batman punched him and nobody fucking cares because it made Guy nicer. And don't forget that even before Batman's punch, Guy was suffering brain damage from his early career hanging out with Hal Jordan. Which Batman, who knows everything, must have known when he punched Guy in the face. Am I suggesting that Batman knew exactly where to punch Guy to cause more brain damage which would make him nice and polite? Of course I am! Batman is a motherfucking dick.

Just at the moment where Ice is all, "Guy is the sweetest person I've ever known," Lobo teleports into the back of Guy's head, knocking his old regular brain-damaged personality back into him. That means next issue will be the fight of my century! My two favorite characters go toe-to-toe and, if I'm remembering correctly and not mixing up my sixteen year old masturbation fantasies, mouth-to-mouth!

Justice League International #18 Rating: A+. Obviously this issue gets the highest rating because Lobo is in it. No way am I going to disrespect The Main Man! There was also, as you saw on the cover scan, a sixteen-page bonus book by new up-and-coming artists. But what am I?! DC's head of recruitment? I'm going to do their thirty-year old work for them by reviewing some newbies?! Bah. Fuck. I guess I am! Stay tuned for the Bonus Book Review in another blog post!

Cerebus #37 (1982)

Oh shit. This is the issue where Elrod draws little bunnies, isn't it?!

Not for the first or last time, Dave Sim turns Cerebus into a satirical memoir this issue. It's time for Petuniacon, Iest's political equivalent of Comic-Con. At least how I remember it. Here I go again! Trying to comment on the story by relying on my terrible memory of the previous several times I've read it! I suppose I could have started this review by reviewing Deni's "A Note from the Publisher" but I've grown bored of bashing her editorial for no reason. I'm sure she was doing the best she could with the little time afforded her after all the Cerebus publishing work she had to do. For regular readers, I should probably make clear that that wasn't sarcastic. I'm sure Deni did at least as much as Dave did to make Cerebus an independent comic book sensation. And knowing enough artists myself, I have to believe she did a hell of a lot more than Dave on the business side. Deni was almost certainly the Richard Pini of early Cerebus except without ever getting much of the credit. At least historically. Maybe at the time, it was well known.

I don't know what Astoria is mad about this time.

There are two ways to think about Astoria being mad all of the time and which one you believe it is probably says something about you as a person. You either think she's a bitter nag trying to manipulate and control Cerebus. Or you think she's a frustrated woman in a world where women can't gain any real power so they have to play puppeteer to some aggravating man. And also she's dealing with fucking Cerebus. That jerk's a handful.

Either way though, why's she always so fucking mad?! Oh wait, sorry. I didn't mean to expose myself as the first type of jerk!

Hmm. Maybe both ways of thinking about Astoria are correct. She's a complicated woman! While Cerebus is pretty simple. Astoria nails his entire character here and he can't argue with it. Especially after how he just treated Jaka.

The next morning, Astoria and Cerebus arrive at Petuniacon where everybody is in a tizzy to meet Elrod (and maybe get one of his bunny sketches). Nobody wants to see Cerebus. Probably because they heard how often Cerebus beats the shit out of people who look at him funny or refuse to look at him funny or try to both not look at him funny and look at him funny at the same time so as not to get the shit beaten out of them. Discovering that nobody seems to know where Cerebus is doing his sketches, Astoria storms off to verbally berate the shit out of some of the hotel staff. Is this how Deni and Dave acted at conventions?! Probably. I'm a dim-witted reader so I can't separate the author from the main character and the author's wife from the unbearable shrew.

I don't know why I just called Astoria an unbearable shrew. She's one of my favorite characters! That must have been the character me I was writing saying that and not the actual me.

Bran Mak Mufin stops by to pretend he's a strong advisor who won't kill himself at the slightest hint of the Earth-Pig Born losing all of his power. He plants the seed of running for Prime Minister in Cerebus's fertile power hungry synapse. It's Cerebus's third largest part of his brain after the part that wants to drink alcohol and the part that wants to kill Elrod. Astoria enters the room and Cerebus kicks out Bran because Cerebus is afraid of being scolded by Astoria for having a weird friend.

I'm a little bit disappointed in Astoria for not realizing this before the aardvark-obsessed rube named after a fast food breakfast sandwich.

Astoria was probably too blinded by her need to destroy her ex-husband Lord Julius in political battle to realize Cerebus should have higher aspirations than Ranking Diplomatic Representative of Palnu. But now that her hot little tush is focused on a higher goal . . . I mean her smart and elegant and savvy tush, she's going to make Cerebus a God. Sort of. Eventually.

Cerebus makes a joke about potato salad and then makes a joke about signing his autograph and suddenly he's the hit of Petuniacon! Everybody wants a Cerebus signature. But that's because Elrod hasn't begun sketching his cute little bunnies yet. Bunnies are way better than trees.

Oh whoops! I guess I wasn't supposed to know Astoria had been married to Lord Julius until just now!

Lord Julius hired the artist who painted pornographic pictures of apocalypse beasts fucking to sell sketches with subliminal "Vote for Elrod" messages in them. But it turns out nobody wants to pay for his non-pornographic propaganda when they can get an Elrod bunny for free. Somehow it's Cerebus's fault for sketching that stupid tree when his quill broke.

And that's how it ends. We don't even get to see an appearance by Elrod. I guess it doesn't matter if Cerebus put on a better performance than Elrod with all the political representatives because Astoria is steering their campaign in a new direction.

Cerebus #37 Rating: B. The original Cerebus #37 came with a bunny Elrod rub-on tattoo. Or it should have. Anyway, this was a terrible review/commentary/memoir. Please disregard it. I'm still posting it though or else anybody interested will wonder, "What happened to the review of Cerebus #37?!" And while the obvious answer is "I'm an idiot and a terrible writer is what happened," I'd rather pretend that nobody has come to that conclusion on their own and needed it explained to them.