Animal Man #16

Why have I not been comparing this current storyline to The Wizard of Oz? Missed opportunity!

The DCnU is so much better in alternate or future visions! Rotworld is much more compelling than the normal present DC World. And the landscape of the Beowulf comic was equally enthralling. Perhaps I just enjoy my world without Superboy or the Teen Titans in it. And by that, I really mean a world not written by Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco. Plus anything can happen and that's always a selling point on a story. Too often, the reader knows who is safe from death, so a lot of the tension is lost. But in these alternate timelines, anything can happen. Even Buddy Baker can be killed as long as someone else is around to set things right again. Although if Buddy Baker does die, I doubt it will be until the final page of the penultimate issue of the crossover. And then Maxine and Abby will save everybody. Somehow. Maybe. Fuck if I know!

Getting around to this issue, I hope this Green Lantern is Guy Gardner! You can't see his face here but in the final panel of the last comic book, you could see his chin. He looks a bit brownish and has weird plantlike green hair. But I still hope it's Guy Gardner!

Finally! A Green Lantern from Sector 2814 that isn't from Earth!

Medphyll tells his tale as he's cut down from what appears to be the rest of his body growing out of control. The Guardians of the Universe decided Earth was fucked, so they finally chose a Green Lantern from one of the other millions of planets in Sector 2814: Medphyll from a plant-based species. You can tell this is an alternate timeline because the Guardians aren't complete and utter dicks. Or maybe these are the future Guardians chosen from the hippie Guardian community that will take over for the crazy, power-hungry Guardians that set the Third Army in motion! Except that one of the Guardians shown is obviously Ganthet.

Lemire and Pugh obviously have DC's comics ranked in the same way I do. I predicted Green Arrow would die next. And look! They're already predicting Ann Nocenti's Katana is going to be crap-filled crap!

So let me get out my gigantic whiteboard tallying all the correct guesses I've made while reading the New 52. Hmm, very little space left to mark another correct guess. Okay. Another correct guess tallied! And, oh my! Look at this! I'd better keep out the marker and board because yet another one of my guesses from last commentary just came true.

Guess who my next Who's Who Spotlight will be on?

While everyone is being ripped apart by Blackbriar Thorn, the scene shifts to Maxine in the past before Rotworld began. She and Socks have been confronted by The Hunters Three Minus One and Willam Arcane. Maxine's Rot-possessed family are also there. The Hunters know they're no match for a little girl so they threaten to kill Maxine's family if she doesn't agree to help them. But then William Arcane steps over the line and causes tumors to explode all over Socks.

If poor Socks wasn't suffering from Sudden Onset Cancer, this would make a nice shirt.

Socks' advice is for Maxine to run and not listening to her cat got her in trouble last issue. So this issue, she decides to not listen to her cat. You know what? I don't think Maxine deserves a cat! Dogs you don't have to listen to because they're always just saying, "Here I am here I am here I am here I am here I am here I am!" But cats know shit and Maxine needs to respect them! Now everyone is going to die in Rotworld because she ignored her cat's wise advice.

Back in Rotworld, Black Orchid uses her mysterious powers to destroy Blackbriar's hand that is holding everyone. Constantine remembers Zatanna telling him about her and Deadman's battle with Blackbriar Thorn back in the rainforest (probably! I'm sure she told him all about it between issues), so Constantine knows that this giant tree druid attacking them is simply a manifestation by the real Thorn who is hidden deep within the vegetation. Buddy Baker decides to go look for him by using Termite Power.

Steel begins blasting the gigantic tree version of Blackbriar Thorn while Beast Boy turns into a beaver and begins eating him. Constantine already helped with the information part of the gambit, so he just sits back and smokes a cigarette. With everybody's combined effort, Blackbriar Thorn is captured. These guys aren't even a team and yet they work better than most teams written by Scott Lobdell or Tom DeFalco.

Blackbriar Thorn has now failed spectacularly in both of his New 52 appearances.

When the group return to the surface, they find Frankenstein and his army under attack by more Rot creatures. The leaders of this attack seem to be Talon and Amethyst. Did Lemire run out of truly awful comics or does he think those two titles are stinkers as well? For killing his (and James Tynion's!) character Talon, Scott Snyder might have to retaliate against Lemire in Swamp Thing by killing Madame Xanadu. Medphyll the Green Lantern finds his battery, recharges his ring, and defeats all of the Rot forces in one sweep of his veggie hand. So now it's time for everyone to pack up and finally assault Arcane's fortress.

Back in the past, Maxine defies her cat's will and gives herself up to the Hunters. I guess I should forgive her since she's just a little girl and can't possibly know the true awesome power of the feline. She lets the Hunters bite her as they free her family. Maxine is now one of them. There's no stopping Rotworld now.

Which I guess makes sense since Buddy Baker is experiencing it, right? That future has to happen now! All of the other comic books in The New 52 should be falling apart as The Rot destroys everything! But since they aren't, Rotworld will be stopped somehow, right? Maybe Eclipso will defeat Arcane!

Back in Rotworld, as the companions near Arcane's Fortress, a number of them are instantly wiped out by the first guardian.

Including Constantine.

Beyond The Rot Flash, a tremendously large army of Rotlings emerge from Arcane's Fortress being led by Rot Cyborg and Rot Wonder Woman. Well, at least Rot Superman isn't anywhere to be found. That would really be trouble!

Animal Man #16 Rating: No change. Maybe Superman will be guarding the gate on the other side of the Fortress where Swamp Thing will make his approach. He may or may not be with Batman depending on whether or not Swamp Thing has to deal with Batman while in Gotham in his next issue. Which I'll be reading next!

The Atomic Skull! (as seen in Action Comics Annual #1)

Part 9 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Albert Michaels
Occupation: Former Director of S.T.A.R., Former Leader of SKULL, now Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Unknown
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: SKULL
Base of Operations: Metropolis
First Appearance: SUPERMAN #323
Height: 5'11" Weight: 180 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Blond

HISTORY
"Striken [SIC! Not my fucking error!] with a rare nervous disorder [So far it sounds like The Atomic Skull and Cujo have the same Secret Origin.] which short-circuited the electrical impulses of his brain, Michaels stole his own inventions from S.T.A.R., and turned them over to SKULL [Since there are no periods, am I to assume that SKULL is simply all capitalized because the members scream it every time they say it?], where he quickly became leader [So the guy with the most toys gets to lead? I bet Destro wishes this is how things had worked over at COBRA.]. In exchange, SKULL attempted to cure Michaels [That seems like a pretty good barter. For Michaels! "Well...okay, I'll lead you guys. But you have to cure my rabies!"] by implanting a neural pacemaker made of radium in his brain [That sounds safe.]. Unfortunately, the implant malfunctioned, mutating Michaels' brain waves into a new form of energy [Malfunctioned? That actually sounds like the effects of a fully functioning implant made of radium!]."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"Michaels is capable of firing devastatingly powerful energy-bolts through the visor of his mask, energy which can render even his archfoe Superman (see Superman) unconscious. There are two primary drawbacks to this power: one, the seizures which trigger the energy-bolts are unpredictable, liable to occur at any time, making the bolts uncontrollable to a certain extent [So what would he do? Ask Superman to wait a minute so that his brain could seize up before attacking?]; second, and most important [More important than never knowing if you're going to be able to blast Superman before he punches you in the throat?], Michaels' disease is progressive, and his life expectancy is shortened by every seizure [Oh, yeah, okay. I guess that's more important.]."

Dial H #8

Human centipedes are usually formed ass to mouth, aren't they?

I realize I haven't been throwing my own drawings into these commentaries quite as much as I used to. Now I just do quickie dialogues. So here's my interpretation of the cover of this month's Dial H.

To defeat him, just serve him over-spiced lamb vindaloo.

Seriously though. You don't name a new character The Centipede and give him the look China and Alberto have given him without expecting the reader to instantly think of The Human Centipede, right? That movie, by the way, is one of the best ideas brought to life in the worst ways. I think it only works as a supposition. "Suppose someone were to sew two people together ass to mouth?" "That's disgusting! Let's make a terrible movie about it!" If I had directed that masterpiece, I'm pretty sure I would have been yelling this through most of the takes: "Fluffer! Fluffer on set! The Japanese guy should be fully aroused in this scene!"

This Centipede's super power isn't crawling around ass-to-mouth terrified. He can rewind time. This enables him to try every possible thing he can think of until he gets what he wants. Now I don't know if this simply causes images and after-effects of his failed timelines or if each subsequent reversal of time creates a new version of him in the same timeline. Which would mean this guy would leave corpses all over the fucking place! I'm guessing he just creates weird after-images as he flips back and forth through time. Oh, he's also after Nelson's dial.

Meanwhile, Nelson and Manteau are off to Canada to find a bird that has discovered a dial of its own. They want another dial since they're currently sharing one. Nelson kind of hopes that the guy will want to work with him but Manteau just assumes he's probably up to no good. Since they really just want his dial, I'm sure they both secretly hope he's an asshole so they can defeat him and take the dial away. This is possibly the number one reason super heroes come into conflict with each other in comic books. Nobody trusts anybody else with large amounts of power because you can never actually know the motives of the other person. It's why the United States thinks they need to police the entire world. They know believe they're a force for good, so they know believe they should be allowed to have excessive power and control. It's easier to assume someone is up to no good so you can launch a preemptive strike against them and keep them from gaining power than to live with the uncertainty that another person can wield that power responsibly. You know, the way Batman treats Superman! At least it looks like Nelson and Manteau are going to investigate the owner of this Dial before simply punching him in the face and taking what they want.

Currently Manteau is running around grabbing government files and giving them to hackers to expose. Why? I don't know. It's something to do! Or the secrets have to do with the Canadian Organization that created The Centipede and has control of the other dial.

Oh! Oh! Let me guess! "Tourette's Singerome!"

Manteau is not Tourette's Singerome. Of course she isn't! That was too awesome a name for it to possibly be the real one. Instead, she's Flame War! I guess that's fitting since she's into internet espionage right now. Also it turns out not to be Manteau. Nelson was just wearing her mask and cape, perhaps to try out her suggestion to not get lost in the persona. It doesn't help because he strips down pretty quickly to run around completely enmeshed in the personality of Flame War.

I had to look up Wolf Ticket!

Nelson manages to ground himself and shake off the hallucinations when he runs into the guy with the other Dial.

Black Autumn?

He came to stop Flame War but he doesn't seem to be used to the Dial's effects yet, so he zones out a few times while getting lost in the personality of whoever he's become. Centipede was speaking to somebody called Dark Maple earlier and that could fit this guy's description. But if this is a super power dialed in, I can't imagine Centipede would have known who he was calling. Unless the Canadian Government has found a way to keep Heroes locked in to the dial? Because as the mysterious Dialer gets thoroughly confused, a Canadian SWAT team choppers in and pulls him out of the fight.

The Centipede has also arrived after his phone call with Dark Maple from Roxie's apartment made him aware that she was in Toronto and on their trail. So he zip-rewinded back to Toronto in time to see the Canadian Dialer fight Flame War. Now The Centipede is following Flame War back to Nelson and Roxie's hotel.

Lad Autumn! I have a feeling China probably called him "Black Autumn" as well since comic books historically have needed to add "black" to African American super hero names but editorial probably felt people wouldn't get the subversiveness of the name so they changed it to Lad Autumn.

The Centipede follows Flame War back and watches as he transforms back into Nelson. Something about this situation gives The Centipede pause and he reports back to Dark Maple that he lost Flame War and that he's having a problem with his comms so he's going off line. He then confronts Nelson privately. He takes the Dial with his super time powers and lets Nelson know that he knows about the Dial. And he knows that Nelson Jent is new to this stuff. And then he threatens to dial a hero.

Dial H #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. Looks like Nelson and Roxie are really getting into the shit. It was simply a matter of time before they ran into a well-funded government organization that knows as much about the Dials as they do. Good thing it's Canada though! They'll probably be nice and polite during the ultimate showdown.

The Star Rovers! (as seen in New Guardians Annual #1)

Part 8 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

"Friendly rivals in the 22nd Century, glamor girl/expert marksman [Redundant.] Karel Sorenson, playboy/athlete [Redundant.] Rick Purvis and novelist/sportsman [Ernest Hemingway?] Homer Gint roamed the known galaxy seeking adventure.

"All were sufficiently wealthy to own personal spacecraft, something of a luxury at that time [As opposed to now where we all have them.]. Idle, they sought something diverting and found themselves caught up in adventures that threatened the Earth itself [Just looking at these assholes, I know they didn't save Earth once.].

"In an attempt to combat these threats, the group affectionately known as the Star Rovers would experience separate adventures [Karel had a half-lesbian affair with a hermaphrodite from Alpha Centauri, Homer wrote a scathing novel about the hermaphroditic seduction monsters from Alpha Centauri, and Rick Purvis had a homosexual love affair with a journalist disguised as a hermaphroditic seduction monster from Alpha Centauri who was writing a scathing novel about their sexy ways.] and emerge triumphant [And fully satisfied.], each one convinced only he or she held the proper solution to the main threat [Anal. The proper solution was anal.].

"Usually, however, it was only when they compared theories that the Star Rovers would discover the true solution to their problem ["You mean you stuck your penis there? That's where it stuck it's penis in me!" "Hey, Karel, how did you discover the solution was anal in your lesbian affair?" "I told you guys! It was only half-lesbian!" They all laugh. End scene.].

"The group acted independent of any official Earth organization, and their exploits were mainly unheralded [Due to extreme obscenity laws.], allowing the trio to enjoy a certain amount of anonymity."

First Appearance: Mystery in Space #66

Green Arrow #16

This is the last time I give you this advice, Mr. Arrow: If you're going to fight hand-to-hand so often, add a melee weapon to your repertoire.

I wonder how many copies of Green Arrow have been purchased and left unread at the bottom of the ever-growing stack of comic books on people's bedside nightstands? Everybody who reads comic books does this, right? You buy a bunch of titles that you read immediately. Then there are the titles you enjoy but sometimes don't get to, so they sit for awhile and then you read them and then you think, "That was cool. Why'd I let it sit for so long?" And then there are the comics that sit for awhile which you read and then think, "Why the fuck am I still buying this book?" And then there are the comics that you just keep buying out of habit but can't even bring yourself to read them. Every time you look at them sitting in the stack gathering dust, you can't even bother to read them even though you spent money on the stupid books. Eventually, you just put them in a box and figure you'll read them later. I think I have a bunch of G.I. Joe comics like that from the early 2000s. I'll probably get around to them later!

Anyway, I wonder how many copies of Green Arrow have been purchased but have gone unread. DC should have those numbers!

I don't have that problem anymore. I read my comic books in a very particular order, so if I don't read Green Arrow now, I'll never get to read Dial H next! So I suck it up, down a shot of sake, and dig in!

Last issue ended with Green Arrow threatening to kill the first ten men that attacked him so that all of the dozens of men would be afraid to shoot first. But apparently the dozens of men considered the cash bounty on Green Arrow's head in-between issues and decided the risk was worth the reward because this issue begins with dogs and men rushing Green Arrow while he fires rapidly at them. Maybe they also knew it was a bluff since Green Arrow doesn't exactly have a history of leaving bodies all over Seattle.

I guess Green Arrow called the cops at some point but I'd forgotten that part (if it was even in the comic book! Which I highly doubt! A lot!). They arrive to bust up the dogfight but aren't too happy with missing out on the Big Sea Parade!

The cops in Seattle are the best! Break a law and then claim, "It's a free country!" and they'll let you off the hook! Seattle Murder and Dog Fucking Spree, here I come!

Turns out Harrow's doll that took off with the dog fucking kid Pike called the cops. She then returns to pick up Green Arrow so that he can stop the kid Pike from destroying all of the guns Green Arrow wants dumped in the bay anyway. While Green Arrow drives away with Harrow's girl to help Pike destroy the guns, the baton twirling stalker from last issue sighs in heartbroken angst that Green Arrow barely noticed her. It's because she wasn't twirling fire!

I wonder if Oliver Queen has ever been to Burning Man?

Hey! It's been about five pages and Green Arrow hasn't mentioned how much his head hurts!

That's because they didn't know they were dealing with a gunrunner, you dumb green douche! You told them it was a dog fight! Against kids!

Green Arrow must be mesmerized by this woman's ass and her scent of fish. Ugh. Because she rubbed the ice packed in with the fish all over herself, you crude bastards! The fact that I even have to explain myself shows what I think of the people that read my commentaries! Anyway, Green Arrow just follows her through a warehouse trusting she's taking him to Pike and the arsenal he's going to blow up.

Green Arrow finds Pike all set to blow up but Pike is a crying mess. Green Arrow befriends him and teaches him how to shoot arrows. Pike is happy again. Harrow's girlfriend marries Green Arrow as a reward. It turns out she's super rich and Green Arrow can afford to buy more arrows and gadgets. Pike becomes his little sidekick and they hit the streets of Seattle, keeping it safe night after night.

Or Harrow just crashes the party before Green Arrow can get Pike to disarm the bomb.

I think Harrow believed my bullshit scenario!

Turns out the cop that was called to bust everyone for a dog fight didn't give a fuck about dogs being slaughtered. He also didn't give a fuck about being in Harrow's girlfriend's pocket in her tight dress. He only gave a fuck about being bribed by Harrow to not arrest him. Seems legit.

Green Arrow still hasn't complained about his head hurting. I guess he took an aspirin between issues.

While they're fighting on the roof, a news copter flies overhead reporting on the situation. I think. It's a bit weird. Take a look.

If this is a Seattle One News Chopper, why the fuck is the pilot interfering with the broadcast? Why does he call her news lady instead of Sandra? Does Seattle One rent their news choppers? You wouldn't see KOMO 4 News renting! And why does the fucking pilot scream into the TV Station's mic to tell the police what to do?

Green Arrow runs out of arrows while the helicopter pilot bothers the police with a stupid incident that's only going to force them to do a ton of paperwork. After he runs out of arrows, he kicks the chisel out of Harrow's hand. And then Harrow remembers that Green Arrow's head hurts!

Green Arrow has the worst fucking support team in the DCnU. How dare they let him back on the streets with his head gushing blood? Everybody else fucking noticed it so I can't believe they didn't. "Shouldn't we bandage his head?" "Fuck it! Let him go! Oliver Queen knows best, right?!"

Some SWAT helicopters arrive because I guess the SWAT teams don't mind doing paperwork. Even though they have no fucking clue as to what's going on on the roof, they drop a couple of lines to save the people on the roof from the possible explosion they couldn't possibly know anything about. Green Arrow, having knocked out Harrow instead of dying from his gushing head wound, clips Harrow to a safety line and then clips Gloria (finally they remind me of her name!) to the other chopper. The SWAT copters pull them to safety. But Pike has accidentally set off the detonator! They only have 30 seconds to get away. So Green Arrow fires his grapple and swings them to safety so that they don't blow up.

Of course he knows the building is going to blow up. And he came to stop the building from blowing up because it's right next to the parade route and it's going to kill a lot of people. Luckily for Green Arrow, the police responded to the helicopter pilot's newscast to clear the area. So the people in the parade were saved because Green Arrow didn't give a shit about them but the police got the message aired on Seattle One television by a fucking asshole helicopter pilot who thinks he's Dick Tracy. Good job, team!

Apparently Harrow was trying to sell Fireworks as deadly explosives to gangs across the nation. Maybe he was a hero!

After the disaster is averted, the baton twirling stalker manages to find Green Arrow all over again. "Fuck me, Green Arrow!" she says. "Okay!" says Green Arrow who then fucks her.

No. This is what actually happens.

Baton Stalker: "Green Arrow! Green Arrow! Look at me! Pay attention to me!"
Green Arrow: "Ugh. You again? Look, I don't fuck nerds. Maybe if you were twirling fire...."
Baton Stalker: "You look happy!"
Green Arrow: "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Baton Stalker: "You saved that suicidal robot lady! Look, I carry the clipping around with me! She got a tattoo of a Green Arrow on her arm! I have a tattoo of a baton!"
Green Arrow: "She hated me for saving her."
Baton Stalker: "I haven't heard a word you've said! You must be happy!"
Green Arrow: "*sad emo voice* As I can be. *profound silence*"

Yeah. Someone said something like that. What happened, Ann Nocenti? Couldn't find the source on Wikipedia? Had the quote too fucking garbled to source it to John Lennon?

I fucking hope Lemire keeps Baton Twirling Stalker around for his run on Green Arrow. She's been the most interesting character so far!

Green Arrow #16 Rating: No change. I guess I've just come to expect nonsensical shit out of Ann Nocenti because I didn't completely hate this comic book. Sure it was stupid. And the dialogue was crap. And Green Arrow may have lost his chance at having a sidekick by giving the kid up to the cops. Although with all that paperwork, perhaps the cops will just let the kid go and he can join up with Green Arrow anyway. Some woman in a tutu followed Green Arrow around as if she had his GPS location throughout the parade. And the whole thing ended with Green Arrow walking off somewhat happy with a gaping head wound. What a terrific great piece of shit!

Steppenwolf!

Part 7 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

"Steppenwolf is the brother of Queen Heggra of the planet Apokolips (see Apokolips), and the uncle of that world's later ruler, Heggra's son Darkseid. Steppenwolf commanded Apokolips' army during Heggra's reign.

"While Heggra ruled, Darkseid suggested to Steppenwolf that they should go to Apokolips' sister planet, New Genesis (see New Genesis), to pursue his perverse sport of hunting and killing people [Maybe I'm biased against the planet Apokolips, but from what I know about it, the sport of hunting and killing people probably wouldn't be seen as perverse there. Maybe things were different under Heggra's rule.]. Darkseid secretly intended that Steppenwolf cause an incident that would incite war between the two planets [Secretly? Was Steppenwolf too stupid to realize landing on another planet and killing its inhabitants would cause an interplanetary incident?]. Steppenwolf and his demon raiders attacked Izaya the Inheritor, a leader of New Genesis known today as Highfather (see Highfather). Avia, Izaya's wife, flew towards them to stop the battle, but Steppenwolf, seeing movement from behind him, whirled about and fired a fatal radion bolt at her, not realizing who his victim was [Would he have cared?]. Darkseid rendered Izaya unconscious with the energy from "killing gloves," but pretended to have killed him [So the "killing gloves" have a stun setting?]. Then Darkseid and Steppenwolf, suspicious of his nephew's motives [That Steppenwolf ain't no fool! Or at least he doesn't remain a fool for long.], returned to Apokolips.

"War did indeed break out between Apokolips and New Genesis, with Izaya leading New Genesis forces and Steppenwolf commanding those of Apokolips. Darkseid gave command of a unit of dog cavalry--warriors riding gigantic, savage dogs--on one raid of New Genesis to Steppenwolf. As Darkseid had intended, Steppenwolf encountered the vengeful Izaya on this raid, and was slain by Izaya in battle [Darkseid is a gigantic dick.]. Meanwhile, Darkseid had his ally Desaad (see Desaad) poison Heggra [See? Gigantic dick.]. With both his mother and his uncle dead, Darkseid became ruler of Apokolips [And there was much rejoicing. Hooray!].

"However, Steppenwolf was recently resurrected through Apokolips' advanced technology. Today he again acts as a military leader, but in the service of Darkseid."

Powers & Weapons

"Steppenwolf has no known super-powers, but he is a highly talented military leader. He has served as the head of Apokolips' armed forces, and when going into battle personally often commands units of the dog cavalry--warriors riding enormous, vicious dogs [Yeah, I remember from your previous note!]. Steppenwolf is infamous for the carnage and mass deaths he causes when he leads forces in battle [His own? Or others? Or does it even matter?].

"Steppenwolf wields various weapons, including a "cable-snare" in which he can entrap an opponent, and from which he can fire lethal radion beams. His main weapon is his "electro-axe." He is a master swordsman [Then why doesn't he wield a sword?] and a formidable hand-to-hand combatant."

Abel!

Part 6 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all). Abel has yet to appear in the New 52 but his House of Secrets has been in Justice League Dark.

"Originally built by a mysterious Senator Sandefield [Hey everyone! Let's vote for the guy we know nothing about that built that creepy fucking house in the backwater hills of Kentucky! I hear he keeps a spectral court on the main floor and a den of eternal damnation in the basement!] as a home for himself and his wife, the House of Secrets [Did he name it that on the day it was built or was that the name the local kids used when they dared each other to piss in the mail slot?] has a most bizarre history. Constructing the building entirely from materials in Kentucky [Creepy! Bizarre! Unheard of!], Sandefield swore that no one but a purebred Kentuckian would ever live there [Read: a child of incest].

When his wife went insane in one of the house's upper rooms [It was a very specific moment which had something to do with a reoccurring tea stain on the window sill which, when touched, would cause cousins to fornicate.], Sandefield sold the building, but the next four owners, none of whom were of pure Kentucky stock [Is this a fucking joke entry?], fled the house within three months' time.

When the house's next owner attempted to have the house moved across the state line, the house apparently rebelled, tearing itself free of the trailer and forcing its new owner over a cliff, before finally coming to rest besid a cemetery less than 200 yards from the state line [The House must have been really fucking pissed when it found itself in Seattle many years later.].

Coincidentally, the only other building in the area is the House of Mystery (see Cain), standing just across the cemetery [Shouldn't the senator have been "secretive" as opposed to "mysterious"? You know, that makes a lot more sense!].

Little is known of Abel's life before he was hired as caretaker for the so-called House of Secrets, save that he was a solitary, lonesome man, possessed of only one friend: an invisible, imaginary companion called Goldie [Correction: possessed of no friends.]. Apparently, Abel was recommended for the job by his brother Cain, who is caretaker of the mysterious house across the way."

Powers & Weapons

"A devout coward, Abel possesses no powers save for a vivid imagination and a gift for telling stories that could chill the spine of a corpse [Really? I'll need documented proof on that.]. A sub-par hand-to-hand combatant [No wonder everyone in DC is constantly punching each other in the face. Even the Who's Who deems it necessary to explain how a cowardly, caretaker that is only interested in telling stories would react in a physical altercation!], Abel will, when threatened with physical violence, immediately surrender."