Green Lantern #13 (June 1991)

The three main poses of all rubberized superhero figures from the '70s.

Conservatives are generally the type of people who need a world in which objective Truth exists. But they also tend to be the ones to move away from scientific fact because the Truth of the universe rarely agrees with the Truth they want to believe in. What they mean by "Objective Truth" is a reality in which the things they want to believe is the reality forced on everybody who doesn't believe in that reality at all. This whole Objective Truth thing causes liberals to stumble in much the same way. They look around at the current manmade Status Quo and think, "This is the Objective Truth. Anybody who wants a reality better than this is a naïve jerk who needs to grow up and fight for the bare minimum of progress." But then this is our problem as mortal aspects of the universe allowed the most miniscule of moments to observe itself while being given a compulsive need for understanding. I get why conservatives fear God and Hell and would want to believe in a Truth that transcends the unending problems of our species. I get why liberals fight to maintain the small amount of social justice they've been able to claw from those entrenched in the ideas and ways of previous generations, fearful that any step too large might cause them to stumble backwards into darker times. I understand their fears and what drive them. I just don't think fear should ever be the motivating factor of any action we take.

Maybe I realized early in life that I deserve death and so death, and the fear that comes with it, have no power over me. I once killed a large wolf spider that I'd captured on the wall of my room. I had it in a jar and I could have set it free. But the idea of it coming back paralyzed me with fear and I took a bunch of poison and filled the jar and when that didn't work I smashed the spider with a stick. But it didn't make me feel safer. It made me feel sick and disgusted with myself. I had allowed my ignorance and my fear to take away the existence of this innocent creature. I destroyed the universe when I destroyed that spider. Both from its perspective as I crushed sense and experience from it, and from my perspective as I realized how shallow, pathetic, and sad living could be made to be for any one of us by any other one of us. I was not even twenty yet and I hated what we could become and what we often allowed ourselves to be and I simply wanted to be better, somehow, in some way. I didn't know how to do it. All I knew is I didn't want to be driven by ignorance and fear. I know I've failed that spider over and over again, being a self-obsessed narcissistic human being with petty wants and drives. But I never forget that spider and I always try to be more, when I can, when I'm able.

What I'm trying to say is why don't I have a Green Lantern ring? What the fuck, Guardians? I'm not fucking good enough for this cosmic gig?! I've basically overcome fear! Isn't that the only prerequisite for the job?! Also, my imagination, while possibly on the vulgar side, would lick ass! I mean kick ass! Obviously, I meant kick ass. Please disregard the Freudian typo the way Freud would not have. And also disregard how, in the future, I defeat all of the bad guys with a gigantic green tongue stuck down the backside of their spandex tights.

Does "communion" mean "fucking, sucking, and pegging" in the original Maltusian?

My guess is that by using of the word "communion" here, the narrator means "community union" or, in other words, a years long swinger party. The way the Guardians are obsessing over and flying around the central battery in this panel after being away from their lovers for such a short period of time makes me realize the Power Battery on Oa was shaped like a Zamaron's butthole.

The narrator goes on to say, "They have returned to use new depths of wisdom in recreating the Green Lantern Corps," which is basically an admission that the Guardians of the Universe have been handled terribly for years and nobody really liked their use of power and authority but, you know what, everybody sort of missed the little blue creeps while they were gone. So here they are again! Back to do everything better which probably means the same but minus the baggage which we're being told doesn't matter anymore, in a roundabout kind of way.

This is the way horror stories begin! "Sometimes, dead is better."

Look, Master of the History of Horror Novels, I know Pet Sematary didn't begin with that line! I'm Gen X, dude. I know every Stephen King novel by heart, backwards and forwards. At least up until around Desperation which was kind of a big gathering up of ideas from all his books to that point and leaving them as little Easter eggs throughout the novel to kind of cement them all in one universe. After that, I sort of just picked up the Dark Tower books until that ended.

Fun fact: Stephen King's first four novels all culminate in massive fires and/or nuclear explosions instead of proper endings. Pretty fucking nihilistic, sir. And King knew he was fucking cheating! He makes an obvious reference to his fiery closures by having the main character in 'salem's Lot, who happens to be a writer, toss his novel into a bin and set fire to it. I don't remember how Dead Zone ended unless it was an assassination attempt and a baby used as a shield for bullets but King's sense of humor shows when his sixth book comes out: Firestarter. "Oh, critics have lamented how all of my books end in fire and flames? What if I start one with fire and flames?! Take that, you true monsters!"

The first story, "The Chore," stars Guy Gardner and a bunch of characters who sound exactly like me in my last few blog posts.

I get the feeling DC received some angry fan letters about recent events and Gerard Jones has chosen to acknowledge them here.

Can this panel be read as Jones acknowledging that he fucked up by having Guy do those things because now people fear what he's going to do instead of seeing him as a hero? Maybe. I can't read Jones' mind and, judging by his criminal convictions, I'm glad I fucking can't. But judging by the way Guy nonchalantly drops an anvil on a mugger's head, probably killing him, as he flies about lamenting how he doesn't find the job exciting anymore, I'm guessing Jones has decided he likes Guy better as a supervillain. Some might say "anti-hero" but I ain't some. You kill a guy by dropping an anvil on his head because he's holding a knife and wrestling with another guy in an alley, I'm not going to give you any label with the word "hero" on it. Does Guy know what that was about? Was the guy with the knife defending himself from the pervert in the trench coat? Those are unanswerable questions because Guy just murdered one-half of the people involved.

Guy's flying around feeling bored and without purpose (even though he's got a shining green purpose right on his finger) which makes me suspect he's suffering from low testosterone. But if Guy is suffering from low testosterone, I'd hate to see him packed full to the brim with it. He'd be dropping anvils on everybody from jaywalkers to shoplifters.

To get his groove back, Guy Gardner decides to do that thing he loves to do with Kilowog. No, the thing you're picturing is what I would do to Kilowog. Guy just likes to assault him. Pretty sure Kilowog enjoys it too though.

Guy's got anvils on the brain. Oh, so does Kilowog! And that mugger!

Kilowog and Guy Gardner destroy several walls and floors of Justice League Headquarters while Blue Beetle stands around enjoying the destruction. Blue Beetle understands his limitations and getting in the middle of a fight between two Green Lanterns is so far past Blue Beetle's limitations you'd think he'd quit on the spot. But then he wouldn't be able to look up Fire's towel from the hole in the floor after she gets out of the shower.

This is probably why Blue Beetle doesn't quit.

Kilowog ends the fight early because Guy doesn't seem to be having fun. Instead, Kilowog starts in on the therapy. That's an important part of his job as the trainer of the Corps, right? To make sure they stay psychologically fit as well as physically fit. He learns that Guy's problem stems from being unable to throw G'nort under the bus in front of the Guardians. He's supposed to report how G'nort was a fraud but Guy just can't bring himself to do it. Was dropping an anvil on a mugger's head and killing him just Guy trying to ignore the feelings of his heart? Guy loves G'nort!

Because he's a big floofy good boy!

Guy's erectile dysfunction stems from his desire to do the right thing. He's like one of those people who only get sexually aroused from car crashes or human sacrifices. You know, the mainstream. Guy's junk only works when he's crashing planes, destroying mansions, or setting fire to small Communist countries. That's not great but you know what is great? Not getting aroused by being nice to a dog, I guess.

Guy decides to tell the Guardians that G'nort's a piece of shit and, just like that, his boner is back! He pops Kilowog in the face and Kilowog is all, "That's my Guy!" And then they proceed to destroy the interior of the Justice League Headquarters. This time with Ice watching and probably thinking, "Guy never gets that hard for me."

Kilowog isn't a great therapist because his advice to Guy was to sell G'nort out because if Guy went to bat for G'nort, Guy would be the laughingstock of the Green Lantern Corps and probably kicked out by the Guardians. Maybe the Corps drill sergeant isn't the most compassionate person to seek advice from. But also, it's good, plotwise, for the reader to understand that even Kilowog, who seems like a level-headed poozer, wouldn't risk his reputation for G'nort. G'nort's an albatross. Symbolically! You'll have to figure out what the symbolism is though because I only know it from an Iron Maiden song: "The mariner kills the bird of good omen. His shipmates cry against what he's done. But when the fog clears they justify him. Making themselves a part of the crime!"

Guy picks up G'nort to take him in front of the Guardians and explain how the dog is a total fraud and not fit to patrol any part of space, even Sector 68. But G'nort immediately fucks up Guy's plan by being the loyal and unselfish doggy he is.

This is a better symbol than that albatross! Guy gets his boner back by choosing to fuck over G'nort but then loses his boner when G'nort gives Guy his bone!

Guy rushes off to see a man about his bone. That man is Hal Jordan who is currently starring in the second story of this book, "The Core." It rhymes with "The Chore"! What will John's story be? "The Bore"?

You thought I was going to say "The Whore," didn't you? Well, I don't use that word except when I'm feeling particularly scared during an intense sexual experience and need it to stop.

Hal Jordan is currently teaching his new recruits the safe way to gently asphyxiate oneself.

Hal Jordan has three new recruits he's training: Larvox the larva, Chaselon the crystal, and Brik the brick. Only Brik is actually a new recruit; the other two are re-enlisting. But Larvox, as Kilowog prophesied earlier (less because he's a prognosticator and more because he's the drill sergeant of the Corps and he understands the minds of all the recruits he's trained), causes trouble with his insect way of thinking. Larvox decides to crush all of their Qwardian prisoners to keep the Corps safe. Larvox doesn't see the death of an individual as murder since, as an insect, he regards the whole as the true organism. Murder only happens when the whole is threatened. In other words, genocide is murder to Larvox while murder is just wiping the counter clean.

Hal has a problem with Larvox because he's human and selfish and thinks wrongly of murder the way an individual would think wrongly of being murdered. Brik has a problem with Larvox because Larvox isn't following the orders of the Guardians. Hmm. That way of thinking is more problematic to me than Larvox's nonchalant view of killing! Larvox just thinks the way most humans think: killing individual members of insect colonies is hardly murder because so many more are still being complete pains in the ass. I get that! But Brik is thinking like a fucking Nazi (and by "Nazi" I mean "anybody in the military or a Republican who values loyalty or a Christian who values faith. Of course! Who doesn't?!).

Hal pretends to be killed by the Qwardians who escape their bonds (probably by Hal's design, of course! His training is constant) to teach his recruits the lesson of working together and to come to the realization that killing is wrong on their own terms and, I don't know, to not trust Hal Jordan, maybe? I mean, you pretend to die in my presence one time and I'm not going to come to your aid when you're possibly pretending to die in the future.

Larvox has lovely locks.

Instead of basing each Green Lantern on how wacky they look as an alien, Gerard Jones tries to build their personalities up from their culture and variances of specie. Larvox thinks like a communal member of a hive organism. Brik, coming from an inorganic, mountainous race, views the world through long stretches of eternal timelessness. Now freed from that life, she still views the universe through that lens while experiencing time much the way most other organisms do. And Chaselon, being a crystal, is a fucking nerd.

After Hal's lessons, they head back to Oa. On the way, they run into Guy and G'nort. But the advice Guy is looking for will have to wait until John Stewart can get his tale out of the way and probably join them in the chat. John's story is called, of course, "The Corps." I knew that's what it was going to be! I was just joking previously when I said "The Bore"! No, really, I was! Stop taking what I say at face value! I mean less than 10% of what I actually write!

No, but seriously. It should have been "The Bore." Even the aliens who have to listen to John speak find it interminably boring.

"Ugh! Will he never shut up?!" "How long must we listen to him?!" "I'd rather be shot in the face by the ejaculating penis-headed creature!"

John's solo bit of the story has him doing a task for the Guardians. That task is to stick his ring in the Central Battery and clear it of all crimson electricity beasts. The creature enters John's ring and the Guardians are satisfied that their battery is functional once again. They don't give a shit if John has become possessed. That's probably a story for another time. For now, Hal and Guy arrive on Oa with the new recruits and G'nort. It's time for Guy to give his report to the Guardians, describing how G'nort got his ring and how, maybe, G'nort has earned a real ring for his heroism.

Oh great. They don't even let him join out of pity. It's just a huge joke to them! Poor fucking G'nort. Good thing he's too stupid to understand.

Look at that! All it took for The Guardians to relax a little bit and to get a sense of humor was to get laid. This is why we need non-judgmental sex work in this country! Non-judgmental on both ends: we shouldn't judge the sex workers and we shouldn't judge those who visit sex workers. And we shouldn't act like anybody who can get laid without paying for it is somehow better than somebody paying for it. Just let people get laid however they can! Anyway, that's the only moral I've learned from this issue. The Guardians were sour authoritarian assholes until the Zamaron's let them put their peepees in their sheeshees.

Green Lantern #13 Rating: A. Oh, the conclusion is that G'nort gets to be Guy's reserve and assistant in Sector 2814. Pretty sure he's mostly his reserve because I don't remember G'nort appearing with Guy as often as G'nort would really want to appear with him. Maybe Guy keeps him in a little doggy house out back of Justice League Headquarters. Aside from that, what more do I need to say? I already stated the moral of the story! And I already shit on everybody's political beliefs! And I've already pointed out how this country could use a lot more Wicker Men. Didn't I? Well, I should have said that. I should always be saying that! Maybe I should get the trend started by building one in my backyard. Then I'll call the police on some pretext or another to come out to my place and casually be all, "Oh, I see you admiring my Wicker Man. Would you like to step inside?"