Detective Comics #653 (November 1992)

Has The Huntress never used a crossbow before?

I'm going to give my poor boy Travis Charest a break on this one. Don't say I never did the absolute barest anything I possibly could for you, Travis! In fact, I'll give you a compliment: I would wear the shit out of Huntress's boots. I was going to be way more vulgar with my compliment but nobody wants to hear how I would absolutely ruin The Huntress's perfect little butthole. No, no! I'm not going to explain it! You'll just have to wonder if I was going to shove something up it or feed her my Five Alarm Chili.

Oh wait! I have another compliment: The Batman balloon The Huntress is trying to keep from blowing away in the wind looks like a super convincing 2-D blow-up person!

Last issue ended with the Gotham Police threatening to arrest Batman and The Huntress for stopping a criminal ring of jewelry thieves. Mostly it's because the Gotham Police are realistically corrupt but partially it's because the criminals have diplomatic immunity which prevents any justice from being taken against them what-so-ever. I grew up in the late '70s so popular culture has convinced me that that's totally how that works. Other things I learned: Killer Bees would invade California and make it unlivable; the Bermuda Triangle was the most dangerous place on Earth; and plants could communicate telepathically. It's possible I didn't learn the diplomatic immunity thing until the '80s and Lethal Weapon II though.

"Also, who the fuck did your hair, lady? It looks like you meant to pick the #5 but you pointed to some kid on the little league team your salon sponsors."

I understand sponsoring little league teams and customers pointing out the number of a haircut is more of a barber shop thing where boring men try to look like other boring men. But that Gotham Cop whom I was imagining saying that doesn't know that! He doesn't know anything about hair salons and stylists. Although he does know enough to see The Huntress's hair is fucking wrecked.

If I Photoshopped The Huntress's cape to yellow and cut about three inches off the length of her hair, the panel would just look like any other Batman and Robin panel.

Hmm. I'd like Robin so much more if he had tits. Is that why I like Carrie Kelley so much? Am I a slave to my male gaze? Wasn't that a Skid Row song?

Batman believes in justice but he fucking hates the law. He has so little respect for cops it makes me love him even more. He doesn't even bother arguing with the police; he just throws down a smoke bomb and flees. The Huntress is all, "How does this work? You gonna change costumes and never be Batman again so they can't keep trying to arrest you?" And Batman is all, "You noticed earlier how I must have a ton of money, right? And what do cops love more than beating the fuck out of minorities? Right. Bribes!" So they easily get away while the cops tell the foreign criminals to just drop it because they've seen what Batman does to henchmen and, being cops, they're not willing to suffer even the slightest physical pain for the job.

"Look. I'll wear the uniform and I'll collect the paycheck. But don't actually expect me to solve any crimes. Not enough overtime for that."

I don't know if I'm being too harsh on The Huntress's hairstyle or not. I'm just this ignorant person who finds both Aubrey Plaza and Jemaine Clement sexy. What does that say about my ability to judge a person's haircut? Nothing, I guess. But I do know what I haven't been harsh enough on: the Batmobile of 1992.

What an ugly piece of shit!

Batman's very nearly driving a chode. Does it always look this bad or did Graham Nolan draw it this way to force it to fit into the panel? This car is like a self-published book that's never had a whiff of an editor about it. Nobody's going to tell Batman what his car should look like! "I'm going to shape it like my dick no matter how hard you fucking roll your eyes, Alfred!"

Before dropping Huntress off, Batman reminds her that he already has a partner with a shit haircut so she shouldn't get any ideas about their working together again. That's very feminist of Batman. Most guys would be glad to have a hot woman work with them because they're sexist bastards. But Batman doesn't care how hot the woman is; she's not taking the job from a young, out-of-work boy. I, being way more sexist, would absolutely have kicked Tim Drake to the queue out front of the unemployment office to work every night with The Huntress. Then three days later, I'd be hit with a sexual harassments lawsuit and lose everything. My brain would be sad but my dick would be all, "It was worth it!" Stupid dick. It always makes the worst decisions and is constantly throwing up. I think it might be on drugs.

The next day, Batman goes undercover as a gas line repairman in order to infiltrate the embassy. Nobody finds it odd and nobody keeps an eye on him after they let him on the premises to investigate because I guess the day shift didn't hear about Batman and The Huntress breaking in the night before and causing trouble. I, a criminal genius, would have put everybody on high alert and beefed up security. But I guess it's not like Batman was driving the gas repair van. It was just some bald jerk with a terrible mustache with sunglasses that he continued to wear once inside the house. Not suspicious at all!

While Batman does real investigative work, The Huntress heads to the library to do research. As if Batman doesn't already have a voice-activated computer system hooked up via wi-fi to the Batcave that can answer any questions he asks it in a matter of seconds. Unless that's all kayfabe and it's really Alfred doing research as quickly as possible on the other end of the line.

"Neeeeeigh! Libraries are for nerds!"

Helena learns that Krasna-Volny was at war with a country called Transbelvia for hundreds of years before both were subsumed by the Ottoman Empire. But then after the Berlin wall fell and the Eastern bloc nations were left to fend for themselves, Krasna-Volny and Transbelvia got right back into the swing of things. I guess racial animosities never die; they're just briefly quieted by a larger, angrier nation of jerks. The Huntress decides to check if Transbelvia also has an embassy in Gotham and, holy shit, would you believe that they do?! Why would these two nations have Gotham City embassies?! It reeks of crime! Also the Transbelvian embassy is located in a Motor Lodge and their cars with diplomatic plates are all rentals. That also reeks of crime! Helena smells something super fishy but decides to call it a day and see what Batman's found out.

Batman has Robin doing research and he finds out a lot more using a computer than Helena found out using stupid books. Take that, print media! Although in not too many decades, nobody will be able to read the information on any of the devices information is currently stored on and the printed page will be all, "Ha ha! Our time has come back round at last! Eat ink, techfucker!"

I take it back. Robin's haircut isn't shit at all. It's entirely adequate.

As you can see, Batman's too ashamed to admit he's working with The Huntress. That means he's more sexist than I thought or he's got a cute little crush on her! Third possibility: Robin would cry if he found out. But then Robin will get to work with her in a year or so and he won't tell Batman. So all the deception sort of works out in the end! Is that how relationships work? If you deceive me and I deceive you and nobody ever finds out, our relationship is super strong and everything is going really well?

In other words, I don't want the kid to fuck up my groove, dude.

Batman and The Huntress meet up to exchange information. Batman doesn't tell Huntress any of the shit Robin found out because BORING. Instead, he mentions that he found weapons in the basement of the Krasna-Volny embassy. The Huntress tells Batman what she learned at the library and Batman makes snoring noises as he pretends to fall asleep. They decide the best course of action is to just sit in a tree and watch the embassy.

Eventually a car leaves the embassy in the middle of the night and Batman and Huntress follow in Helena's Lamborghini.

The letter messed up the dialogue. It should read "less conspicuous than that tool you rocket around in."

Batman's face does not agree with his answer of "Fine" about Helena's driving. He looks like the co-pilot flying with Nathan Fielder in the final episode of The Rehearsal, Season Two. Mostly that's probably because Batman never gives up control, ever. Has he ever been in the passenger seat of a car before or after this?

Batman and Huntress tail the Krasna-Volny diplomats to a park with the statue of a Gotham war hero. The hero happens to be Transbelvian. A banner over the street leading to the park mentions there's going to be a parade soon to celebrate this hero. So all of a sudden, this little shit country that nobody had ever heard of before this suddenly has an active community in Gotham with a long history with statues celebrating that history. And yet the embassy for the country from which the people of this community originate has all the hallmarks of a temporary set-up. What the fuck is going on? I'm sure Batman already knew all of this bullshit but hadn't said anything because he likes to keep as much information to himself so that nobody else makes any leaps of logic and solves the mystery before he does. He's worse than Sherlock Holmes.

The day of the parade and festival — Transbelvia's version of the Italians' Columbus Day — arrives and Batman and The Huntress stake it out. They know the Krasna-Volnians will probably attack the festivities in some way. But Batman also doesn't want to stop the attack because the attack will be the reason to get them deported. I guess some people will just have to die in a massive bombing so that Batman stops some jewelry thieves.

I accidentally and purposefully just tore this comic book in half after reading that "NOT" joke from The Huntress. Ugh. Fuck this shit. F-!

Be fucking thankful you're living in the age of everybody saying, "That's what she said!", even though that's just as fucking dumb (probably because it was started by the same fucking person!). Sure, it's stupid and unoriginal and boring as all the levels of the Abyss to respond, "That's what she said!", to the most obvious things. But at least it takes the slightest modicum of cleverness and wit to realize when to say it. Back in the '90s, idiots were constantly saying the opposite of what they meant and then yelling, "NOT!", like it was the funniest fucking thing they'd ever heard! Well, I wouldn't stand for it then and I won't stand for it now. This comic book review is over!

Detective Comics #653 Rating: F-. NOT! Ha ha! Oh man! That was a good one! Here's one more scene after The Huntress captures the main Krasna-Volny terrorist ready to suicide bomb the entire festival, throws him in a van, and drives the van into Gotham Bay where the man explodes underwater. The Huntress almost drowns but Batman saves her so that he can remind her that he doesn't like her because she kills while he doesn't because allowing The Huntress to drive away with the terrorist so that he explodes in safety isn't an action. It's the opposite of an action so Batman didn't kill the guy. He obviously couldn't have stopped The Huntress and disarmed the bomb himself! Could he have? I mean, well, he's, like, Batman? Anyway, I'm sure he couldn't have done any of that or else you might be able to argue that he killed the guy by allowing The Huntress to kill the guy so that he couldn't be blamed for killing the guy.

That's what she said!

Detective Comics #652 (Late October 1992)

Oh, Travis Charest, my boy. God bless you.

It was only at this moment that I dressed up in Nazi garb, put on my best David Mitchell impression, and asked, "Am I the elitist?" Because when I look at Travis Charest's art, all I see is a person who is decent at art and maybe trying their best to emulate the comic book artists that came before them, but still has a long way to go before they're getting professional gigs. But, of course, he's got the professional gig already so am I wrong about it? That's not what makes me an elitist, though! What makes me an elitist is that if I thought that Travis Charest was a great artist who has done many different pieces over his career, in many different styles, I might actually look at this and think, "Stylistically, there's something interesting going on here." In other words, I'm judging this piece by poor Travis within a certain set of parameters that I've established in my mind. If I felt this style was a choice, I might applaud it. But sensing that this style is the best attempt Travis is making at doing comic book art (or laziest?), I find it not quite up to snuff. "Not quite up to snuff" is New Me speak for "absolute dripping bloody dreck with undigested corn chunks!"

In the past, some people have really gotten on my case about judging artist's art. Their main argument has been, "Let's see you do better!" And while the job of a critic isn't to prove that they're better than the things they criticize, I probably could attempt to draw this to back up my critique. But I won't for a few reasons. One, even if I drew this scene worse than Travis did (and, believe me, I would), I wouldn't ask DC to pay me for the work. Two, if I managed to draw this exactly as Travis has, I would be embarrassed, crumple it up, and throw it away to try again. And by "try again", I don't mean try to redraw it; I mean come up with a different career path.

Travis probably won't ever read this, right? I hope not because I don't mean to make him feel bad. My most venomous reviews of comic books are never proof that the artists or writers are terrible at their job; my most venomous reviews of comic books are proof that I hate myself and am, mentally, not doing well. Maybe Travis's art speaks the same for Travis! Maybe Travis just wasn't feeling very confident and sexually attractive when he drew this picture of The Huntress moments before she died from having her organs crushed by a too-tight belt.

Look at The Huntress's streamlined feet too! So cute and stylized! I'd really adore them if I knew the real reason they looked that way was because Travis didn't really care much about drawing feet. He was so gung-ho to draw that ass, he couldn't give a shit about the rest of the cover.

I don't know why I purchased this comic book back in 1992 but I could take a guess based on some clues in the previous paragraphs: I fucking hated myself and just didn't feel great about my life. Also maybe that ass.

Why is that a question? Is he asking the hostages what he should do to them?

As you can see, the rest of the issue isn't drawn by Travis Charest. To enjoy more of that art, you'll have to purchase old issues of WildC.A.T.S. or read some of my Darkstars reviews. I hope I didn't praise Travis's art in those reviews! Boy, I sure would be embarrassed if I sounded like a hypocrite!

That was sarcastic. I don't care if I sound like a hypocrite because I don't owe anybody the unending minutiae of the context of my life that makes all of my opinions perfectly viable with every other opinion, even if to a non-expert on me, it might sound like I contradict myself all the time. Maybe read Infinite Jest. That'll help explain that to you if you don't already understand it even if I've felt that way about being a hypocrite most of my life and I only just read Infinite Jest this year. It's one of the reasons I can't stand trying to communicate with people, especially on the Internet. Too often, people aren't dialoguing with other people; they're just looking for inconsistencies in people's ideas to pounce on them and give themselves a reason to not believe anything else the person ever says. Usually they're wrong about those inconsistencies because every fucking situation is different from every other situation and if you ever point to one of my opinions on one thing to show that it contradicts my opinion on a totally different thing, you can very politely fuck all the way off back up into your mother's uterus. Which I've just recently lovingly spackled with my love plaster.

A corollary to people trying to prove other people are hypocrites are people who are so careful about the things they believe because they feel everything has to back up some foundational text which upholds the rest of their ideology. These people often miss the historically right side of an issue in the present because they're so concerned about the way their beliefs interweave between more than one situation. If you don't know what people I'm talking about, forget it! I didn't mean nothing by it! Can't we all just get along?

I'm turning over a new leaf as of July 18th, 2025! I'm no longer burning bridges! I'm now just pissing on them. Oh, sure, I'll still fucking hate every MAGA chud until the day one shoots me in the face and then claims self-defense because one of the lessons they've learned the best is that if they kill the second side of the story, their side is the only one the judge and jury get to hear. People who shoot other people in public disagreements do so because they're either the biggest cowards on the planet and feel that their life is always in danger from another person carrying around a gun like they are (cops are a good example of this) or they just want to find an excuse to murder somebody and believe they'll get away with it on claims of self-defense (cops are a good example of this). Anyway, I'd rather be shot in the head than live one second of my life afraid that somebody else might shoot me in the head if I don't carry a fucking gun around with me. Grow up, you dickheads.

Why does that shopper have a Tesco bag? Is Gotham City in the United Kingdom?

None of the artists are from the UK so what the fuck, man? Even colorist Adrienne Roy wasn't. Tesco never had a store in New York, did it?! I guess somebody was just a fan!

As you can see, the Narrator thinks these robbers are fucking stupid. I'd guess the narrator would be Batman but The Huntress is also on the cover and I think she's pretty judgmental too. It would be nice if somebody would come along, say somebody like Scott Lobdell, and fix it so all Narration Boxes begin, "My name is So-And-So. I fight crime and talk like I'm doing commentary on a LaserDisc."

Just a second. I need to go check eBay for a used working LaserDisc player! BRB! Holy shit they're more expensive than they were 35 years ago!

I really miss owning two thing: a LaserDisc player and my 1972 Volkswagen Bus. Also all of my cats over the years but I didn't own them. I wouldn't say, "I miss owning two things: my grandmother and my grandfather."

The Narrator turns out to be The Huntress, whichever fucking version it was in 1992. Helena Bertinelli, I guess? She's apparently been "out of the game" for some time so doesn't feel confident stopping the robbers. She just watches as a subway transit cop gets gunned down while she thinks, "He was outgunned. Should have known better. Dumber than the robbers." Okay, maybe she's not that judgmental. That was all me.

Helena watches Batman beat the shit out of the criminals as she thinks about how much she loved it but how scared she is now.

Not once does she think, "I am going to sue the fuck out of my hairdresser."

So Helena has given up being The Huntress until she runs into Batman in the subway and she makes her wet herself (in the good way not the bad way) and that's a sign to be The Huntress again? This moment, the way I depicted it, is so incestual if you bother to think about the original Huntress which you probably don't because Crisis On Infinite Earths erased all of that continuity and now only people suffering from The Mandela Effect remember it. Or anybody who read any comic books post-Crisis in which the creators were all, "Let's bring back Helena Wayne!" Too bad their second thought wasn't, "Maybe her head gets stuck in the washer at Wayne Mansion when Bruce suddenly walks in?" Because that would be terrible! In a comic book, there's no implied consent. In pornography, I think everything is implied consent! So if you're in a pornographic movie and you walk in on somebody naked from the waist down and they're top half is stuck in a washing machine or wood chipper, it's okay to have sex with them. Everybody is already asking for it if you're in a porno!

On her way back to her apartment, Helena Bertinelli notices two guys waiting to ambush her on the landing at the top of the stairs.

"Something else you want"? Dude, stop thinking past the money. You're holding a fucking board with a nail in it. Get her money, go buy a knife, than worry about whether or not your victim also has some Pokémon cards.

Helena beats the shit out of the muggers and kicks them down the stairs. Then she casually heads to her apartment and forgets about them. I hope they don't rush off and kill her uncle now! It'll be such a hard lesson to learn that nobody in the world will ever let anybody else in the world forget it! 'nuff said!

Inside Helena's apartment, we learn a little bit about her by the objects and creatures in the backgrounds.

She owns a cat and the Great American Novel, Assault Rifles. Oh, and a Dave Brubeck knock-off CD by "Dave Brubek".

The cat doesn't yet get a name but it's probably Selena or Isis. Les Misérables' spine is marked with a "V-H" to distinguish it as Victor Hugo's version and not C-M Schönberg's version. I'm assuming, and this might just be me, that she has The Right Stuff because she rubs herself silly re-reading the passage where Gus Grissom burns to death. I know that sounds terrible but doesn't it also sound sexy? Paul Haggis won an Academy Award for Best Picture suggesting that car crashes make people horny! I won't stand being called gross and disrespectful for suggesting the Helena is into snuff! Why else would she use a crossbow, a notoriously slow-to-load artifact of medieval battle?! She loves the visual of death by penetration!

You either get what I'm laying down or you're an uptight prude! There's no in-between! I SAID THERE'S NONE!

I just went back and re-read the beginning of this comic book and saw that Batman let the robbers get away because they grabbed hostages. I guess Batman could tell they weren't the kind of guys who are into killing hostages if they don't have to so he let them get away. Also if they wind up killing the hostages, it isn't Batman's fault! Batman doesn't kill! I mention that because Helena has decided to become The Huntress again to catch the robbers whom Batman let get away. And this isn't your slightly older sibling's The Huntress from, like, a year ago. This one is different!

This Huntress throws daggers into The Joker's penis shaft!

Helena doesn't just get her tits out and throw on the costume. No fucking way! She's a teacher, motherfucker! She's off to do research! Like how many knives can one dick take before death occurs? And how long can a woman have camel toe before her labia goes numb and falls off? Those are my guesses as to what kind of research she's going to do because I don't like her explanation: "A huntress has to know her prey." How the fuck is the library going to tell her about the men who robbed the jewelry store?!

Oh wait! I'm such an idiot! I forgot about newspapers and microfiche! She's going to find clues in proper and well done journalism! Good thing this story takes place in 1992 because she'd be shit out of luck if she had to rely on today's journalists.

She's still not thinking about suing her stylist.

Oh yeah! I forgot she saw an important tattoo on one of the criminals! I thought it was the flag of Wales!

The only time I ever remember using the library for information that wasn't school-related was when playing "Wizardry III: Legacy of Llylgamyn". One of the riddles went something like "I'm one of the deck of seventy-eight." There was more but I forget what it was. I figured it meant it was a Tarot card but I knew nothing about Tarot cards so it sent me to the library to do occult research! Later, I married Satan and sucked his dick. Thanks a lot, Robert Woodhead and Andrew Greenberg! I'm full of the devil's cum because of you!

By the way, I know the Welsh flag has like a dragon on it and not a griffon. But I was only half paying attention earlier. Remember how I had to go back to realize Batman let the robbers go? My mind was distracted but I can't remember what by. I'm almost 54! I was probably thinking about how some odd pain in my body was probably cancer.

After the library, Helena tries to hunt down some of the stolen goods.

Of course you feel eyes on you. Your stylist obviously doesn't have a current license to do hair!

Helena chances on a pawn shop where the clerk has the same accent she heard the criminals using. She doesn't immediately beat the shit out of him because she's not a cop. Instead, she plants a recorder or something under the display case to get more information. On the way out, she notices the bum that was checking her out earlier hanging about waiting for her. She chases him but he gets away because he's probably Batman going undercover. Which he is. Seems Batman needs to get better at being unobserved. Unless he wanted her to see him because he's got a lonely old bat-boner and she's fit and also I just remembered that she's, sort of, if you squint just right, his daughter. Gross!

Later that night, The Huntress runs into Batman on a nearby roof as they're both staking out the pawn shop. Batman has a super computer in his Wayne Basement (the Bat Cave!) so he didn't need to go to the library to figure out who the criminals were. I almost typed "who the bad guys are" but I thought that might be too confusing. People would read it and think, "Wait? Batman's going after the cops?" Criminals might also be a good descriptor for cops but since I've used it previously to describe the guys who robbed the store, it seemed less ambiguous.

Batman and The Huntress decide to work together. Mostly because Batman has a subconscious need to work with the daughter he never actually had. And also The Huntress has all of the evidence and Batman refuses to push her to the ground and take it. That would look bad no matter how many Gamergaters would cheer. No wait. The more Gamergaters who cheer something actually helps make the thing look worse. So it would look bad and then it would look even worse when some online loser with no ability for introspection applauds the deed.

From Helena's voice recorder, they learn where the pawn broker will be meeting up with the other members of the criminal organization later that night. Batman and Helena crash the meeting, easily subduing them all and tying them up tight for the Gotham Police. Except it doesn't quite go that way because before Batman and The Huntress can leave, the bad guys show up.

Yeah. No ambiguity this time. It's the cops. They're the bad guys.

Detective Comics #652 Rating: B-. Who came up with the trope that if somebody has diplomatic immunity, they basically have carte blanche to commit whatever crimes they want and nobody is legally allowed to stop them? "Oh shit! That diplomat just fucked every animal in the zoo and used the Santorum to make milkshakes for all the kids! We wanted to warn everybody but it would have been illegal for us to try!" If it was a trope because it allowed vigilante characters to stop criminals when the cops' hands were tied due to regulations, then this would be a perfect use of it! But instead, Batman and The Huntress are going to be arrested for helping stop more crime?! "Outrageous!" is a thing I would yell while slamming my fist down on the desktop if this wasn't a story about Gotham. Instead, I just nod while continuing to sniff my finger that I'd just recently stuck in my belly button and say, "Yeah, seems about right." (Meaning the cops and not the vintage of my filthy bodily odors.)

I almost said that I was sniffing my finger which I had just shoved up my ass but then thought, "No way! People might believe me!" And then, as I sniffed a shit finger, I was all, "I don't care if they believe I was just sniffing a belly-button finger. But to have people believe I was just casually sniffing a shit finger? Even I can't bear the indignity of that!"

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #6 (March 1993)

Cover with sealed bag hawking all the goodies inside.

"All the goodies" basically means "a comic book with a pretty shitty 'poster' as well." I haven't scanned any of the posters because they haven't been anything special. It's not like they had moving pictures that looked more like Brundlefly teleportation accidents or were full of homoerotic imagery like the alternate cover of this issue.

Just imagine two men fucking and that's what this cover looks like when you pull the tab.

That technological cover is clear enough that you can see how Robin wants to stay and watch the two men fuck but The Huntress thinks he's too young and tries to drag him out. Even though she also wants to watch them fuck. She's horny but very responsible.

Last issue ended when Robin's dick decided that stopping the bad guys and saving The Huntress were less important than rescuing a girl who seemed like maybe she was sort of interested in putting her hand down his pants. If you didn't read last issue, you might be giving Robin the benefit of the doubt and giving me no benefits at all (which I don't deserve even if I'm going to tell you why you're wrong about giving those benefits to Robin and any Christian charity in the United States) and thinking, "Well, the girl must have been in immediate danger so of course, as a hero, he'd throw out the earlier plans to blow everything to shit." But this girl wasn't in any danger at all. He actually put her in more danger by trying to rescue her since stopping the bad guys and saving The Huntress would have resulted in the girl he wants to fuck being rescued as well. You might think I'm judging Robin here but I get it. When you're a hormonal teenager, you never think you're going to get laid and you do some really stupid fucking shit in the service of possibly getting laid, no matter how terrible the odds are. Sometimes you even miss out on getting laid because you don't quite understand "sunk costs" as a teenager and you continue to pursue the person you've put loads of time into trying to fuck when other people are sidling up to you and basically throwing their genitals in your face but you've gone genital blind pursuing the first person. That's a common problem, right? It wasn't just me acting like a professional soccer goalie deflecting tons of pussy from going into my net because I was so focused on one quite specific pussy? And by "pussy", I mean "person I was totally in love with", of course. I'm not a creep!

This issue begins with Tim getting caught trying to put the lady's hand on his junk.

Rookie mistake, Tim! You don't want to force an experience like that! What you want is surprise hand on your dick! Like that time I was at a party and this girl (I was still a boy! Actually we were late teens!) followed me into the bathroom and then embraced me to kiss. She slid her hands down the back of my pants and into my underwear and I was all, "Whoa! That's cool!" But then guess what she did?! She slid her hands around to the front and grabbed my pee pee! Then I was all, "Ultra whoa! This is way cooler!" But there wasn't a lock on the door to this bathroom at my friend Chris's house and I still really had to piss so I broke it off and later we went across the street to a local library where we didn't have any sex at all even when she pulled down my pants and exposed my weenie to the entire book-loving library world (it was like super late at night though so don't get all freaked out about some daycare kids seeing this smut!) and then I pulled her pants down and she was all, "Do you have a condom?" And guess what? I didn't! So I pulled our pants back up and we made out a bunch and I didn't think until much later that she probably wanted to at least give me a hand job! Still acting like a soccer player but this time I basically scored an own goal! Fucking idiot!

So anyway, as I was saying, Tim didn't get a hand job because some Russian mob guys interrupted. Was The Huntress off somewhere getting a hand job? I don't remember. Let's find out together!

Maybe? Is this how women react to hand jobs?

I'm saying "hand job" because that's much less violent sounding than "finger bang" and I'm no misogynist! Also I'm an American so I'm pro creating jobs. Oh, but if I'm American than I should be pro guns as well and I should be totally find with "finger bang"! Maybe I'm just confused and I just like thinking about a woman getting a hand job and then gasping and spitting out a bunch of saliva bubbles. What I don't like is some weird guy with a Guy Gardner haircut looking on.

Ariana seems confused by Robin saving her but not saving any of the other women being forced to package heroin. Also she's been drugged so she might not even realize all of this is actually happening.

So when G.I. Joe told me "knowing was half the battle," the other half of the battle was "getting laid"?

KGBeast hasn't immediately killed The Huntress because his boss wants to know who she's told about his counterfeiting operation. He's all, "You are being just a woman! Surely you have being told a man about what you are being up to being!" And The Huntress is all, "Get fucked. Men suck!" And he's all, "I am being a man! KGBeast! Being choking her until she being spitting bubbles!" That's when that panel I scanned earlier happens. She wasn't having an orgasm at all! She was nearly dying! These comic book artists seriously have a hard time drawing hot women in distress. It always looks like they're coming their brains out! Or is that just me? Insert a pic of David Mitchell in a Nazi uniform with the words underneath, "Am I the grossie?"

I haven't mentioned that I'm currently reading Infinite Jest yet this review so here's where I mention it. One thing I was really surprised by it was what it was about, having only known of the book as a lengthy thing full of endnotes written by a guy who eventually hung himself from his back deck. So I was pretty surprised when I realized the genre was "Sci-fi tennis." At first I kept thinking, "Are all of these characters mutants? Why does he keep mentioning their 'bigger arm'? And then I was all, 'Oh yeah! They're all training to be tennis pros and tennis pros basically just use the one arm while the other one atrophies!'" Also there's a league of wheelchair bound assassins! I bet you want to read it now!

I also just recently finished John Steinbeck's Cup of Gold, Stephen King's Night Shift, and Kurt Vonnegut's Jailbird. Two out of three of those were a re-read. The only thing I didn't accomplish since my last comic book review that makes me mighty ashamed to have not accomplished was shitting directly in Donald Trump's stupid fat mouth while J.D. Vance watches a cries from the corner of the room.

Now somebody's going to accuse me of having Trump Derangement Syndrome. But that's okay because the only reason people accuse other people of that is so that they don't have to try to rationalize all of Trump's stupidity into intelligence sounding nonsense. It's just an invented retort because they can't say, "You obviously see the rational truth of the situation but I have to continue to pretend to see a brilliant leader and intelligent person even though there's nothing but Fox News propaganda that I can point to to justify that belief. So instead, I'll accuse you of being mentally ill with a made-up mental illness. Ha ha! You idiot!" I sometimes feel so bad for these people who went all-in, lost everything, but now continue to sit penniless at the poker table pretending they're holding any cards. All these people apparently thought the little kid who said the Emperor was naked was the villain of the story. They're all out here wanting to be the people who saw the Emperor's wang but pretending it was covered by slacks. Y'all fuckin' stupid.

My word! *fans myself with a delicate lace-lined fan*

Before Russian Guy Gardner can carry out his, um, threat?, Robin kicks in the door and begins kicking ass. He distracts KGBesast with his face while The Huntress kicks the shit out of knock-off Gardner while hanging tied up from the rafters. She throws out some feminist quips while doing so but since this comic book is from 1993, it's not woke and those quips shouldn't exist. So I'll just pretend they don't for the sake of the dumb-ass morons who think they're being criticized anytime anybody mentions any sort of compassion, justice, or community awareness. As if superhero comic books haven't always been pretty much 100% that for their entire history!

Robin and The Huntress flee from KGBeast but do not leave the building because Tim's dick is all, "Wait! Wait! We still need to get laid!" So Tim is all, "We can't leave yet! We have to save the girl we thought was dead who isn't dead because she's here packaging heroin!" And The Huntress is all, "Look, if risking your life for getting laid is that important to you, I'll jerk you off when we get out of here." But Bruce Wayne didn't train Tim Drake to flee from a potential fuck possibility! They go back for the girl.

Meanwhile, the Ghost Dragons show up to murder basically everybody. They're a bit late. There's only 12 pages left in this six issue series!

He put too many skill points in "Care What Other People Think of You" and not enough in "Self-Preservation."

I don't know why people would put skill points in "Care What Other People Think of You" but I see it all the time so I guess people love to pump that skill. I think the majority of pedestrians who get struck by cars and killed in Portland at night during rain storms by drivers who were not being careless or drunk are examples of this Russian guy's imbalance of skill point distribution.

Should I explain myself better before I'm eaten alive by people who think I'm defending cars and not pedestrians? I'm just pointing out that there's way too many people who have really low scores in "Self-Preservation" and they tend to cross streets without a light or a crosswalk in the dark and the rain while expecting cars to stop for them because why wouldn't they? But they don't realize that we have far too many cars with the brightest fucking headlights in the world now who often blind cars driving in the opposite direction so that with being blinded, being dark, and having sheets of rain come down, it's much harder to see somebody in the street especially when it's a surprise person in the middle of the street because they're nearly impossible to see until it's too late. I'm not pro car! I'm pro people wanting to love being alive enough to take the proper care to keep themselves alive and not expect everybody else to keep them alive! Be careful out there, my fellow pedestrians! And bike riders! And car controllers too!

King Snake winds up battling KGBeast for the big climactic battle since we've seen KGBeast is simply too much for The Huntress and Robin. I kind of like that because we rarely see when the heroes have limits that they don't eventually, heroically, overcome them. But here, there's like eight pages left and The Huntress and Robin are fucking legging it. No way they'll wind up having to beat KGBeast, right?

The Huntress and Robin run into Ghost Dragon Lynx as they're escaping with Ariana. That's a big climactic fight that's more their experience level.

Hmm. That climactic battle was a bit anticlimactic. Maybe The Huntress will battle KGBeast!

King Snake defeats KGBeast just like he knew he could. I guess he was right about being the greatest assassin in the DC Universe (between him and KGBeast, of course. Later, I'm sure he'll be killed by Deathstork or Lobo as he tries to prove his title). The Huntress shows up with a flamethrower and threatens to burn all the counterfeit money if the Ghost Dragons don't let all of the Commie Tsar's prisoners go. He agrees not realizing that Robin fucked with the printing so that the bills will easily be flagged as counterfeit. The Huntress and Robin head home to get their lives back in order which means Robin only has two pages left to get his dad to not send him to Metropolis, get his counselor to not file paedo charges against Bruce Wayne, and get Batman to not fire him for disobeying him all week.

No wait. I was wrong. It's just one page!

Is Batman hiding in the bushes with his Bat Signal Flashlight? Fucking needy bastard.

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #6 Rating: B. I'm so glad 21 year old me purchased this series so that 53 year old me could read it again 32 years later and think, "Ho hum. Whatever." What a majestic life I'm leading!

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #5 (Late February 1993)

You know what? I think they figured out this stupid cover technology five issues in!

Maybe I spoke too soon. When I tried to view the other side, it was just as shoddy as before. I think the reason the cover looked so good on the first scan is that I never actually moved it after purchasing it thirty-two years ago. The first four were shit so why would I even bother with the fifth and sixth issues? It's not like Robin's clothes fell off when you pulled on the tab.

The alternate cover with Robin failing to crash through the skylight. Such an amateur.

I'm still reading John Steinbeck's Cup of Gold but I decided to take a short break to read one of Chuck Dixon's great Algeresque works of literature. It's going to take me a long while to get through Cup of Gold because I've already begun to do that thing that I began doing ever since I read Gravity's Rainbow where I basically read a book twice as I'm reading it. So I'm now most of the way through the first chapter of Cup of Gold for the second time. Not because I didn't understand it the first time! It's because Steinbeck's writing is so layered and complex and beautiful that I felt I wasn't giving it its due by reading it just once. Take the description of how Henry Morgan's mother tends the fire in their small house as an example of how Steinbeck's always writing about the thing he's writing about plus at least one other thing (although often as many as four other things). When he discusses how Mother Morgan stirs the fire so much while tending it that the flames go out leaving just the embers which she then must beat to try to get them lit again, Steinbeck's explaining the way she's dealt with her husband over the years. And like the way winter comes into the Welsh valley as weather, emotion, history, and time all in the same instance. But the best part is when Elizabeth stands in the doorway of her house backlit as she looks out into the dark and Henry basically sees the outline of her naked body through her thin nightgown. I don't mean the best part in how Steinbeck layers it with different meanings; I mean it's the best part in how many layers filled my pants.

This story begins in Amsterdam with a covert meeting between criminals!

Joke or not, I'm not even sure that's a proper answer to the question.

So that one joker is there to get some kind of counterfeit blanks from the guy with no sense of humor and then kill him. Oh, the guy who doesn't laugh doesn't know he's there to get murdered, of course. I'm sure some criminals would be all, "Oh, you want me to deliver this thing worth a ton of money to an absolute monster and then let him kill me? Sure. Why the fuck not?" But this guy was all, "You're not funny. OH MY GOD I'M DEAD! THIS SUCKS!" And the other guy was all, "Next time you'll laugh at my joke, you Dutch buffoon!"

Amsterdam is in Dutchonia, right?

Meanwhile, Tim whines and moans while Alfred dusts the Batcave and wishes Tim would go whine and moan somewhere else. Then Tim mentions he's been crimefighting with Huntress and Alfred is all, "Batman is going to kill you. So please tell me you're at least getting tossed off by her."

What the fuck is this judgmental look Alfred's throwing at Tim?

You might think it's sexist that I had Alfred suggest The Huntress would jerk off Tim just because she's a woman. But I can assure you, and I have thousands of pages of comic book reviews that will back me up, that I would have had Alfred suggest the same thing if Tim were going out at night with Azrael.

Tim's response to Batman possibly getting pissed off that Tim's running around with The Huntress is that it'll be the least of Batman's worries when Tim's school counselor sends the cops to arrest Bruce Wayne for pedophilia. At least Tim will be in boarding school in Metropolis when that shit hits the Batfan. He'll be much safer in Superman's city.

Tim grabs his gear to go meet up with The Huntress. She's currently busy teasing some teenage boys.

Is concern for some babe's well-being sexist?

At first I thought this gang was two old people and two young guys. Then I realized the young guys are trying to rob the old people. It's astute observations like that, where I check and double check my perceptions and assumptions, that make me the crack comic book reviewer nobody thinks I am.

Oh! Remember how earlier in this review I mentioned I was reading Steinbeck's Cup of Gold? Well because library holds on books are so fucking random and never actually take as long as you think they're going to take, I'm apparently reading David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest right now too! I'm only through the first chapter of that where the narrator, an amazing tennis player, Hulks out during his college interview because he ate some mold when he was like five. I don't know if that first twenty pages indicates the themes I should be looking for throughout the book but if so this might be a few of them: 1. Don't eat mold off basement walls. 2. Communication with other living beings is hard. 3. Being a super smart person in a body you can barely control or speak through will cause other people to think you're a monster. Although that third one I already learned from Steven C. Stewart and Crispin Glover's It Is Fine! Everything Is Fine.

During the beatdown (it's hardly a fight. Huntress tears the two teens five new buttholes in a non-sexy way), the reader might notice that The Huntress wears an armband with Superman's logo on it. I guess the old guy kicked it recently. And yet Tim's father still wants to send him to Metropolis?! It's so fucking dangerous there now!

Isn't The Huntress cold sitting in the snow in her little short-shorts?

When not swinging around the city on a rope attached to angel dong's (or whatever. I don't know how these fucking Batpeople swing around the Goddamned city), The Huntress drives a Lamborghini. It's a pretty shit looking Lambo but I think that's because Bob Smith, being paid an artist's wage from DC, had never actually seen one. He probably based his drawing off the same fucking Lamborghini Hot Wheel we all grew up crashing around dirt berms and into the side of that red double-decker bus. Helena and Tim, in full costume, drive around the city in her car looking for another printer that the Russians might be harassing into printing counterfeit cash for them.

While Tim and Helena scout print shops, the murderous joker (not that one!) returns from The Netherlands.

Ha ha ha! Made a killing!

This guy probably had a great line for if the customs official had said, "Do you have anything to declare?" but then the guy ruined it with the "Nothing to declare?" line. He probably would have been all, "I have a ten inch penis!" or something, um, funnier! I'm not the funny guy. He's the guy with all the good lines. Made a killing! With the fog! What a cut-up!

Oh man! I wished he'd killed the Dutch guy with a knife then my "cut-up" line would have been a good joke. But he shot him instead and there's no way you can make shooting a guy funny.

Robin and The Huntress discover the counterfeiting operation at the last place they investigate. Also staking out the Russian counterfeiting ring? The Ghost Dragons! Remember, they need to kill KGBeast so that King Snake can be the most dangerous dumbass in the DC Universe. But they also want to kill Robin and The Huntress for beating the shit out of them several issues ago. So they're pretty excited when they realize they're all in the same building at the same time.

Robin watches from the rafters as the Commie Tsar murders the two men responsible for the counterfeiting process (because they've already printed one billion scudoons). I guess if you're a criminal, bullets are a lot cheaper than cash. Being that they were criminals, Robin doesn't seem to give a shit that they were just murdered. He continues to keep an eye out to see the final few steps in the counterfeiting process. But that's when KGBeast appears dragging The Huntress behind him. He's all, "You are being cold in the shortest shorts, yes?" But even with The Huntress in danger, Tim still hesitates and waits for a better opportunity to do vigilante justice.

A mundane round of farts could drown out Def Leppard. "Standing by the trap door! Aware of me and you! The actor and the clown! They're waiting for their cue!"

Dammit! Now I actually want to hear that song! That backfired!

Tim drops down and begins knocking out thugs with his feet as soon as the machine's start back up. Then he fiddles with the printing press's controls to fuck up the counterfeiting operation before heading downstairs to find where they took The Huntress. Now, remember, Tim found this place by searching for local printers. The Russians, presumably, also had to find this place at the last minute since they killed Ariana's father who was supposed to print the money for them. So it's odd that when Tim goes downstairs in this print shop, he discovers the Russians' heroin operation as well. Why the fuck did they drag their heroin operation to the print shop? They really could have left it back at their Little Odessa headquarters, couldn't they?

Currently The Huntress is being killed by KGBeast and Ariana is not in immediate danger. So, um, yeah, save Ariana, I guess.

Tim throws the whole mission away by busting into the heroin packing plant and causing a bunch of chaos. He saves Ariana (as well as the other women forced into the drug business) but can't lead them out of the building before the ruckus he caused brings reinforcements.

Ha ha ha! Oh, that guy! He kills me!

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #5 Rating: B. I don't know if that bit about leading her to the grave was a joke but the guy is so funny I can't help laughing at nearly everything he says. I guess it's just the way he delivers his lines. One more issue remains and there's a lot to resolve yet. Tim's home life. Tim's school troubles. Tim disobeying Batman's rules. The Huntress captured by KGBeast. The Ghost Dragons vendetta against, I don't know, everything? Tim's sex life (real and imagined). And I guess the Russian drug and counterfeiting ring. I feel like some of these issues are going to get short shrift in the conclusion.

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #4 (Early February 1993)

This is like trying to watch scrambled porn on '80s cable.

This cover technology is so shit. But what's weird is that I just glanced at Issues #5 and #6 and their pictures read perfectly. Did they improve the concept five months into this little experiment? Or did I just never read Issues #5 and #6 so the cover hasn't shifted at all? It's basically impossible to keep the insert properly aligned so that you can see either picture perfectly without ghosts of the other picture coming through. Perhaps they figured out how to keep the insert aligned by Issue #5? We'll see when I finally unbag it! Anyway, here's the shitty alternate cover:

Weird. This one lined up pretty good totally on accident!

The alternate picture on the alternate cover shows King Snake and Lynx running along confidently before KGBeast sneaks up behind them and clocks King Snake in the head with a Russian tire iron (a potato stuck in a bit of concrete). I guess they were full of bluster and bravado when they mocked KGBeast when he wasn't in the room because they look terrified here (and slightly concussed).

The issue begins with Tim getting caught playing hooky from school by Alfred Pennyworth. "Getting caught" makes it seem like Alfred cares; it's more like Alfred, while putting away some Bat Towels, stumbles upon Tim who was too stupid to hide somewhere other than the Batcave. Alfred tries to help him out by offering to put make-up over the bruises on his face and Tim rips him a new asshole. It makes Alfred very sad.

"Dick used to love my help!"

Poor Alfred probably thought his days of getting shit on by Robin were over thanks to The Joker. But apparently Tim can be as angsty as Jason Todd when everything is going wrong in his life and the girl he though he was going to lose his virginity to has apparently been killed by Russian gang members and his school counselor's accusing Bruce Wayne of diddling him while she also dreams of fucking his dad. And he's been going out at night getting his ass kicked while sporting a huge boner because have you seen how much of The Huntress's ass hangs out of her costume? It was right on the cover! And getting your ass beat while you're sexually aroused will definitely cause psychological problems later in life that he's certainly not going to deal with being that his role model is the most anti-therapy asshat on the planet, Batman.

Alfred doesn't put up enough of a fight for the mood Tim's in so he goes home to try to guilt his wheelchair-bound father.

Normally I'd be on every other side that's against any father at all. But right now, Tim's just being a whiny shit.

If The Huntress really wanted to be a hero, she'd wank Tim off and get him to chill out. But even if she knew how Tim's life was falling apart from all the stress and anxiety he's under (which can be partially cured by an orgasm which is why I suggested the hand manipulation), how is Tim her responsibility? She hardly knows the kid. Bruce Wayne should wank Tim off! Not in a weird, sexual pervy molestation way! In a therapeutic way! For science!

Tim finishes his conversation with his dad in the tried and true teenage way where they scream "You don't me! You don't know anything about me at all!" and run out of the room crying. Tim's dad puts his head in his hands because either he feels like a failure or he's praying to God that his son dies. Probably a fifty-fifty chance he's thinking one of those two thoughts.

Tim's not sure whose life to ruin next so he breaks into The Huntress's apartment hoping that she's in the shower. But she's not home yet so he sits in the dark to wait for her while thinking how hot it would have been if she'd been in the shower.

Also she's on her way home to take a shower.

Chuck Dixon really fucked up the order of things in this story. If David Finch had been writing it, The Huntress would have gotten home and hopped in the shower before Robin arrived so that he could draw her coming out of the bathroom in the smallest towel she owns. It's really about the only good writing decision David Finch ever made with which I agreed. He was smart enough to script at least one woman in a towel scene every issue and while I wasn't a huge fan of his art and very much not a huge fan of his writing, I'd always stand up and applaud when some woman showed up in a towel. Really smart work! Super creative!

Helena isn't too surprised that Robin figured out her identity since he practically brags that he got the Robin gig by figuring out Batman's. But all Helena cares about is Batman and what he's like and does he have a girlfriend and is his ass really that tight or is that just the outfit? Tim ignores her questions while convincing Helena to show him where she found the counterfeit papers being used by the Russians who "killed" Ariana. Tim feels he needs to avenge her death since it seems like the only part of his life he can control at the moment. Also he probably just wants to hang out with a hot woman. I know I'd pretend to care about justice if I could swing around the city with a half-naked woman. And also I were wearing a red Speedo and green tights. I bet that would make my junk look huge! Or would it just make my junk look normal-sized but squashed all funny? I once wore tights in high school when I went to a Halloween party as a Playboy bunny and it was not flattering. Which is why I also wore a tight black knit skirt over my crotch. Nobody wanted to see my smashed junk all night. Except it was a high school party. I bet most of the girls there actually did want to see my squashed junk! Man, I was so stupid!

While Tim and Helena search the room where Huntress found the papers, they're surprised by the Russians who had the room wired for some reason.

The Huntress stole that soda from the mini-bar because she isn't beholden by man's laws! She fights for pure justice!

Tim subdues the Russians but before The Huntress can torture any information out of them, KGBeast crashes through the wall like a barely literate Kool-Aid Man.

"Oh to be yeahing!"

A scuffle ensues which ends in Bane hanging out the window twenty stories above the street while Robin and The Huntress try out Kama Sutra pose #53.

This position's called "So Much of The Farmer's Dick Deep-ends in a Red Wheelbarrow"

The next day at school, Tim avoids his counselor as best he can. I guess he can't skip school twice although he'd like to because now he'll have to explain the bruises on his face and his scratchy voice from being choked out by KGBeast. You know Ms. Hollingsworth will be all, "Why's your voice so gravelly, Tim? Does Bruce Wayne have a thick hog? It's really thick, right? Just massive? I can't help you unless you answer my questions about Bruce Wayne's dick, Tim." So instead of going through that, Tim flees her office through the window and runs home to do some research on the Russians. That's when his dad tells him that he's transferred Tim to an All Boys Private School in Metropolis. Oh no! What'll Tim do?! Superman doesn't need a sidekick! Also Superman has just died so, seriously, forget it, man.

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #4 Rating: B. King Snake and Lynx weren't even in this issue. Shows how fucking dangerous King Snake really is! What a pathetic jerk. Although KGBeast was in this and he didn't seem too dangerous either. He was beaten by a little boy and an exceedingly attractive woman. That wasn't meant to be patronizing! Those were just cold hard facts and also KGBeast called them exactly that before getting his ass kicked by them. So I don't think either character deserves to be thought of as the most dangerous assassin in the DC Universe. Besides, if Deathstork heard either of them claiming that, he'd have to stop fucking his underage lover and go murder them.

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #3 (Late January 1993)

I'm not sure what's supposed to happen when you pull this cover tab slowly but when I do it, The Huntress winds up with three tits. So pretty clever!

And here's the secret cover:

I didn't pull tab this one so I'm just assuming Lynx winds up with three tits too. Maybe four!

Even though this comic book cover looks as generic as possible, has the worst working gimmick I've ever seen, and says "ROBIN" right across the top, 21 year old me still purchased it. And it's not like I had $2.50 just lying around waiting to be wasted on bullshit like this! That would have been almost two full games of Cyberball! I probably purchased it because Huntress has three tits on the cover. I'm sure 21 year old me was all, "Oh! I wonder what this is about! This looks interesting!" And then I walked to the register while hiding my boner with this comic book. Then I probably bought some Magic the Gathering cards to distract from my obviously pornographic purchase only to later jerk off at home to the Earthbind card.

This issue begins with Tim's school counselor angrily demanding he answer her query about Bruce Wayne diddling him. Or, at least, beating on him. She has a really fat belt. That was a style choice at the time, was it? It's not quite "I won the World Wrestling Federation championship" big. But it's close.

There's only one bully in this school and her name is Ms. Hollingsworth. Lay off, lady!

To get Ms. Hollingsworth off his back, Tim is going to have to stop getting punched in the face. It might be hard because he's got such a stupid haircut. But with a little training from Batman, he might be able to accomplish it. Or Tim could try to distract her with his father's cock. She seemed really interested in his father's cock in the first issue. She was all, "I hear your father's cock is out of a coma. I'd like to try to put it back into one, if you know what I mean." Then Tim punched himself in the face to try to forget the image that entered his head. It worked but he also forgot that he punched himself in the face so now Batman is going to be arrested for child abuse and suspected pedophilia.

Now Tim has to figure out which senior to pin the bruises on. That's like a whole other subplot in a book that's already full of too many subplots. We've got the Russian girl and her father. We've got Tim wanting to fuck the Russian girl even though she just lost her father and was kidnapped by some other Russians. We've got a counterfeiting ring. There's The Huntress feeling sad that Batman doesn't talk about her. There's Tim's invalid father jealous of Batman. There's Batman trying to control Tim. There's Tim's school counselor being far too interested in Tim's life, especially the father's cock part of his life. There's the China Town gang that suddenly wants to kill Tim. There's KGBeast doing crimes. And now Tim has to frame a senior so Bruce Wayne doesn't get taken down for child endangerment!

Tim doesn't know who to talk to so he just blathers to Harold Allnut, Bruce's mute, autistic, live-in Bat-engineer.

This depiction of Harold feels offensive.

I don't remember: did Harold ever return in The New 52? He probably should have had his own series written by Ann Nocenti. God, sometimes I hunger so badly for another one of her train-wreck series!

Tim's father gets all up in his shit when he gets home because Ms. Hollingsworth called about Tim's troubles. Plus Tim got home late after hanging out in the Batcave so his father gets super jealous of Bruce Wayne again. Tim just yells at his dad like a proper teenager and goes upstairs without any explanation. But he's beginning to crack! He can't hide his Robin secret from his father much longer!

Meanwhile, the leader of the Ghost Dragons proves himself to be one of the most delusional characters in the DC Universe.

Your name is Edmund. Nobody will ever think you're the most dangerous. Alfred is scarier.

If the most knowledgeable and the least knowledgeable fans of the DC Universe can both name about two dozen more dangerous characters than you, you were never even in the running. Hell, the most knowledgeable fan probably wouldn't even remember this guy exists unless they were reminded. "Are you forgetting somebody? Big snake tattoo on his chest. No, not Kobra! His name is Edmund. He's Lynx's boss! Oh, come on! Leader of the Ghost Dragons!" Apparently I believe the most knowledgeable comic book fan is actually pretty stupid.

Robin and Huntress meet up again later that night to do some investigating. Luckily for Robin who was stuck dealing with personal problems all day, The Huntress spent some time in the library. She's got the whole thing figured out already!

The only thing she got wrong is that the leader's name is The Commie Tsar!

The Huntress has information but no leads. Until an old Russian man wanders up and tells her and her new sidekick everything they need to know. Names. Locations. Activities. I guess that's why Robin dresses in such bright colors. So that he stands out as a vigilante which allows people with information to approach him. This old guy's the only one not fearful of the Russian gang because he's so old he doesn't fear retaliation. He probably hopes for it! But he so hates the bad name these guys give Russians, he doesn't care if they kill him. He just loves Russia so much he's willing to die for it. This old guy loves Russia and his new home and his neighborhood friends. But most of all, he loves San Dimas.

Robin and The Huntress take this old fart's information and attack a bunch of people hanging out in front of the location the man gave them. That seems like solid police work in that police will beat up anybody they suspect of being a criminal no matter how little evidence there is of a crime. A policeman's number one weapon for battling crime is their gut instinct! Just like every other ignoramus in the world, they seem to think gut instincts should be listened to because there's something wise and supernatural about it as opposed to realizing gut instincts are just a dog whistle for systemic racism and cultural bias and prejudicial beliefs which obfuscate actual reality.

But being a comic book, and Huntress and Robin being heroes, I guess I have to assume that they were correct and the guys they just beat the shit out of really were Russian gang members and not a bunch of guys parking their cars to walk to the deli a few stores down the street.

They're about to beat the shit out of Groucho Marx and his security detail!

While Robin chokes out Groucho Marx, he thinks, "I don't recognize any of these guys. But from the way they dress, I know they're new in town." Well then! Case solved! They're obviously Russian gangsters! Maybe this is why Batman doesn't want you running around on the streets by yourself, you stupid piece of shit! Sorry! Sorry! Even though I just mentioned it, I already forgot I was reading a comic book again and not viewing a four-color window on real life! Obviously Tim, being like the smartest character in the DC Universe (until the focus is on somebody else and then they're the smartest character in the DC Universe), knows what he's doing and I should just trust his gut instincts! Plus The Huntress is super hot so who cares if they just killed Groucho Marx, right?

In 1993, I probably would have said this plan sounds gay. But being much more comfortable about the frayed, graying edges of my sexuality in my fifties, this plan sounds fucking hot.

I should also point out that The Huntress saying she's coming right down my throat obviously isn't gay at all but possibly the hottest thing she could say. But when Tim picks up her rallying cry and starts talking about coming right down people's throats, even Batman is going to start questioning his sidekicks enthusiasm for that battle cry. Did Chuck Dixon know Tim was bisexual here? Probably, although in a negative way because it was 1993. He was probably writing Tim and thinking, "Tim is so fucking queer! In the 1993 meaning of queer which, in most regions of the United States, still carried with it negative connotations arising from people's fear of the other and things outside their boring status quo worlds! Although Tim should have been embracing his sexuality and it shouldn't be his bisexuality which caused people to think less of him! It should have been his stupid hair and his smarmy personality. Unless those are common attributes of bisexuals and then maybe I shouldn't have even written this pretend dialogue by me, Chuck Dixon!"

The Huntress and Robin bust up the gambling den which, luckily, actually is a gambling den since they only had one loony old man's word for it.

The male population of Little Odessa is, apparently, 14.

The Huntress looks like she's moshing in the above panel. She's so adorable! Tim is not adorable but that's probably because I can't stand him. Maybe some people think he's adorable because some people like Tim Drake. Weirdos.

One of the Russians whacks Tim in the face with a pool cue and now Tim can't concentrate on the fight because he knows Ms. Hollingsworth is going to get all up in his shit about Bruce Wayne beating him for resisting the anal finger fucking. You know that's why she thinks Bruce is beating him! Let's not kid ourselves! All Ms. Hollingsworth can think about is anal finger fucking. She's a Ms.! She's for sure horny as hell. I bet by the end of the series, she's fucking Tim's dad.

The Huntress begins to annoy me as well during this fight and I find that too bad because I don't like to be horny and then to begin seeing evidence that my horn has been misplaced. I need more than just a half-naked hot body with luscious hair and a domino mask! I need somebody who doesn't make stupid statements while beating the shit out of people as well!

You kicked down the door to their gambling establishment and began busting heads! What the fuck do you expect?!

As you can see from the above panel, The Huntress really has perfected her police work. She's a cop in her civilian persona, isn't she?

Tim chases down a guy he recognizes as having helped kidnap Ariana. He smashes the guy's head into a file cabinet and then questions him about the Russian girl. The guy tells Tim that she's dead which Tim finds surprising for some reason. It's not like they watched them kill her father and then left her in the murderer's hands for 24 hours before trying to save her! Tim rushes off to go cry into his pillow at home while The Huntress just, I don't know, wanders off for the night having gotten her thrills beating up on a dozen men? I'm not assuming that's what happened. My supporting evidence is at least half a dozen comic book panels with The Huntress saying things like, "I'm really enjoying this!"

After the heroes leave the chaotic scene, Lynx shows up to get some information from the nearly dead Russians. Or she's just there to tell them that King Snake is more dangerous than KGBeast and that he should never forget that. That'll solve King Snake's most pressing problem of not being thought of as the most dangerous criminal in the DC Universe!

Tim wakes up the next morning for school only to realize he's got another huge bruise on his face that Ms. Hollingsworth won't be able to ignore. At some point, she's going to have to get the police involved. He's obviously being abused and/or sidekicking for a vigilante. Either one of those needs to be investigated.

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #3 Rating: B-. This comic book contains a little too much real world police work for me. What I mean by "real world police work" is "doing extreme violence to people you suspect are criminals." I'm not a fan of it. But I am a fan of The Huntress getting her rocks off while dressed scantily and beating up hard men. Is that why people think of comic books and their readers as juvenile and immature?! Probably! It's a good thing I'm just pretending to be a comic book fan like that and don't actually jerk off to every panel of The Huntress spread-eagled and beating the shit out of some Russian with a gun while yelling, "I'm coming down your throat, you big tough man!" Ha ha! I love pretending! Oh, and I also don't think Ariana is dead. That was just Tim who thinks that. I bet KGBeast kept her alive when he was supposed to kill her because he figured he could use her as some kind of insurance against the Commie Tsar who keeps treating him like cheese scraped out of the foreskin of a filthy gigolo.