Is the skeletal dinosaur chasing them or is it their buddy and it's also running from the bombs?
Planetary #2 (May 1999)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Bill O'Neil, and Laura Depuy Martin
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman
• Last issue we learned Jakita Wagner was the mission leader of a secret organization and Elijah Snow was a gruff old man who reluctantly took the job so he could get coffee that hadn't been pissed in by a dog. Also I guess we learned there was an autistic guy named The Drummer whose job was to talk to machines and not go on missions.
• The big secret from last issue was that some guy named Doc Brass and his friends built a quantum computer in 1945 which Planetary now has access to. Doc Brass managed to survive until 1999 because he no longer eats, breathes, shits, sleeps, or gets erections.
• Oh! We also learned that Planetary isn't first and foremost an organization concerned with saving the world. They're archaeologists collecting hidden knowledge and secret artifacts. For what purpose? That's part of the mystery! Especially since we don't know who the Fourth Man is, the secret guy funding the whole organization. I think it might be Elijah Snow!¹
• This issue begins with a team of Japanese scientists visiting Monster Island.
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Bill O'Neil, and Laura Depuy Martin
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman
• Last issue we learned Jakita Wagner was the mission leader of a secret organization and Elijah Snow was a gruff old man who reluctantly took the job so he could get coffee that hadn't been pissed in by a dog. Also I guess we learned there was an autistic guy named The Drummer whose job was to talk to machines and not go on missions.
• The big secret from last issue was that some guy named Doc Brass and his friends built a quantum computer in 1945 which Planetary now has access to. Doc Brass managed to survive until 1999 because he no longer eats, breathes, shits, sleeps, or gets erections.
• Oh! We also learned that Planetary isn't first and foremost an organization concerned with saving the world. They're archaeologists collecting hidden knowledge and secret artifacts. For what purpose? That's part of the mystery! Especially since we don't know who the Fourth Man is, the secret guy funding the whole organization. I think it might be Elijah Snow!¹
• This issue begins with a team of Japanese scientists visiting Monster Island.
I think the auto-translator thinks it's a poet. Or maybe this guy just speaks this way.
• I'm not really much of a Mel Brooks fan but I recently re-watched History of the World Part I because it was leaving HBO at the end of the month and I probably hadn't seen it since I was ten. The only joke I really remembered from it was Moses dropping one of the slates and saying, "I bring you fifteen . . . er, ten commandments!" But I think even people who haven't seen the movie remember that bit! I think two bits made me laugh out loud during the whole movie (although I appreciated a bunch of stuff, like the Inquisition song and dance routine). The first was when the Romans began doing the "Lindicus" and the other during the French Revolution (a truly tedious ending to the movie. Harvey Korman's talents are wasted in it) when the Piss Boy acting as king tries to flee the King's bedroom when the mob comes for him and he runs down a production hallway that gets smaller and smaller because it was designed to look like a massive space. I don't think either of those bits were meant to be truly hilarious but my brain is stupid².
• The man speaking in that panel probably does often speak that way as he insists on being called "The Master Storyteller". I guess maybe they aren't scientists? That was probably a racist assumption, assuming the Japanese were STEM guys and not Arts and Literature people.
• I don't think Master Storyteller uses the term but they've come to this island because of its liminal nature. Weird that Ellis wasn't all over throwing that word around. I guess it just didn't have the same traction in 1999 as it does today, probably thanks to the Backrooms.
• Oh, the island is liminal because it belongs to neither Japan or Russia but is claimed by both. It's a nowhere place, a "political football⁵". Also I think it's full of dead monsters!
• Master Storyteller and his followers have come to this island to plan a revolution and take control of Japan. I don't know why they think they're so fucking bad-ass. But instead of making plans, they shit themselves.
• The man speaking in that panel probably does often speak that way as he insists on being called "The Master Storyteller". I guess maybe they aren't scientists? That was probably a racist assumption, assuming the Japanese were STEM guys and not Arts and Literature people.
• I don't think Master Storyteller uses the term but they've come to this island because of its liminal nature. Weird that Ellis wasn't all over throwing that word around. I guess it just didn't have the same traction in 1999 as it does today, probably thanks to the Backrooms.
• Oh, the island is liminal because it belongs to neither Japan or Russia but is claimed by both. It's a nowhere place, a "political football⁵". Also I think it's full of dead monsters!
• Master Storyteller and his followers have come to this island to plan a revolution and take control of Japan. I don't know why they think they're so fucking bad-ass. But instead of making plans, they shit themselves.
Me leaning over to you and whispering in your ear, "That's Mothra."
• Jakita, Elijah, and The Drummer head over to Japan to visit the Tokyo Planetary offices. Me, being smart: "Probably to investigate the dead, giant monsters on that liminal island!" Me, patting myself on the back: "Nobody has ever lived who has been as perceptive as you, my sweet lover."
• Jakita makes a joke about The Drummer being mentally ill and then The Drummer does something mentally ill. I'm guessing The Fourth Man hasn't put any money toward an HR Department?
• We learn Elijah Snow speaks Japanese when he threatens to kick the top of the head off of Shinya Fukuda, the operations manager and only employee of the Tokyo Field Office. Really, really thinking a Planetary HR Department might be something the organization should look into⁶.
• Planetary already knows about Monster Island. Jakita has been there before with Elijah's predecessor. They've been called out to nab the Master Storyteller and his acolytes before they discover the monsters and tell the world about them.
• Jakita makes a joke about The Drummer being mentally ill and then The Drummer does something mentally ill. I'm guessing The Fourth Man hasn't put any money toward an HR Department?
• We learn Elijah Snow speaks Japanese when he threatens to kick the top of the head off of Shinya Fukuda, the operations manager and only employee of the Tokyo Field Office. Really, really thinking a Planetary HR Department might be something the organization should look into⁶.
• Planetary already knows about Monster Island. Jakita has been there before with Elijah's predecessor. They've been called out to nab the Master Storyteller and his acolytes before they discover the monsters and tell the world about them.
Is it good or bad that I'm getting massive "I'm basically The Drummer" vibes?
• When I was in Japan in 1997, I was not fascinated by insta-print cameras that made stickers out of the pictures. But that's because those weren't yet a thing or I just didn't run into them. What I was fascinated by were the photo booths that didn't just give you pictures but stickers of your pictures. It was a few years later that I saw my first one in the states. At Archie McPhee's in Seattle, if I remember correctly.
• I also like to stick things to my forehead. Is it time for corroborating photos?
• I also like to stick things to my forehead. Is it time for corroborating photos?
Me in 1997 (before Japan) with a guinea pig sticker stuck to my forehead.
Me in 2013 with a Black Diamond stuck to my forehead. Okay, I think it was a Purple Heart. Whatever.
• Those are the only easily accessible recorded moments where I stuck something to my forehead. The amount of times I did it and it wasn't documented are uncountable. Because I don't know how many times I did it.
• Elijah drops a hint that he knows more about Jakita than he's let on previously. And by "more", I guess I mean "anything" because supposedly he didn't know who she was when they first met in that diner. But now he seems to know that she smoke a single cigarette every couple of years.
• The Master Storyteller and his crew discover more dead monsters. They discover Ghidrah's skeleton encased in rock and the corpse of Godzilla (or, more probably, Minya (as a teenager)).
• Jakita shows off a couple of her powers as they hunt Master Storyteller: incredible eyesight and Flash-level speed.
• Hell breaks loose when Master Storyteller blows the head off one of his minions. This causes the Japanese military stationed on the island and who had been keeping a close eye on the invaders to show themselves and try to arrest the men. Realizing that they won't be leaving alive, Master Storyteller shoots a bag at his feet releasing nerve gas into the air and killing everybody.
• Jakita panics and turns to flee. I guess she's not immune to nerve gas! Or she's worried about Elijah although he just dissipates the gas with his cold powers. It's science or something.
• After everybody is dead and their job has been finished for them by the nerve gas, Jakita explains the monsters to Elijah to the best of her ability.
• Elijah drops a hint that he knows more about Jakita than he's let on previously. And by "more", I guess I mean "anything" because supposedly he didn't know who she was when they first met in that diner. But now he seems to know that she smoke a single cigarette every couple of years.
• The Master Storyteller and his crew discover more dead monsters. They discover Ghidrah's skeleton encased in rock and the corpse of Godzilla (or, more probably, Minya (as a teenager)).
• Jakita shows off a couple of her powers as they hunt Master Storyteller: incredible eyesight and Flash-level speed.
• Hell breaks loose when Master Storyteller blows the head off one of his minions. This causes the Japanese military stationed on the island and who had been keeping a close eye on the invaders to show themselves and try to arrest the men. Realizing that they won't be leaving alive, Master Storyteller shoots a bag at his feet releasing nerve gas into the air and killing everybody.
• Jakita panics and turns to flee. I guess she's not immune to nerve gas! Or she's worried about Elijah although he just dissipates the gas with his cold powers. It's science or something.
• After everybody is dead and their job has been finished for them by the nerve gas, Jakita explains the monsters to Elijah to the best of her ability.
Note the flag patches on the soldier's uniform. America⁷ dick deep in this shit too.
• With all the soldiers guarding the island currently dead, Jakita and Elijah head off to loot the international base of all their tech. Some of that tech has to do with how the guards materialized instantly when Master Storyteller got gun happy.
• On the way to the base, Rodan flies over their heads and Jakita gets a happy hard-on over the fact that the monsters have apparently not all died out.
The Ranking
This comic book is so damn good at being a comic book that you might have missed out each of the first two issues are a complete story in themselves while also building an intriguing and fascinating world! Oh, you didn't miss that? Well, fuck you, aren't you the clever one? I'm not sure how much "Action!" and "Terror!" were in this comic, as the cover claimed, but it definitely had a lot of "Fun!" Reading Planetary is going to force me to publicly apologize for all of the times I insulted the WildStorm universe and its fans, isn't it?! I don't think I'm prepared for that level of humbling! I want to keep judging people for liking WildStorm!
__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I know the math doesn't work out because then he'd be the third and fourth man. But my brain thinks it remembers something so I wrote what my brain thinks it remembered. It's probably wrong because it's a fucking stupid brain².
² I am not stupid! Your³ stupid!
³ Ha ha! Idiot. Its⁴ "you're"!
⁴ Fucking moron! Is the penis spelling for you now?!
⁵ Since I took that phrase directly from Master Storyteller, I'm assuming he means a political soccer ball. Just trying to clarify that for the dumb Americans reading this.
⁶ I'm joking! We all know HR Departments are mostly political and if you've got a problem in the office, it'll only get solved if you're buddies with people in Human Resources. I once had a manager cry during my work review because she noted that I wasn't trying to be friends with her. I did not get my regularly scheduled raise. I did not go to HR because my boss's sister was head of HR.
⁷ And Russia! The Russian flag can be seen in a different panel.
• On the way to the base, Rodan flies over their heads and Jakita gets a happy hard-on over the fact that the monsters have apparently not all died out.
The Ranking
This comic book is so damn good at being a comic book that you might have missed out each of the first two issues are a complete story in themselves while also building an intriguing and fascinating world! Oh, you didn't miss that? Well, fuck you, aren't you the clever one? I'm not sure how much "Action!" and "Terror!" were in this comic, as the cover claimed, but it definitely had a lot of "Fun!" Reading Planetary is going to force me to publicly apologize for all of the times I insulted the WildStorm universe and its fans, isn't it?! I don't think I'm prepared for that level of humbling! I want to keep judging people for liking WildStorm!
__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I know the math doesn't work out because then he'd be the third and fourth man. But my brain thinks it remembers something so I wrote what my brain thinks it remembered. It's probably wrong because it's a fucking stupid brain².
² I am not stupid! Your³ stupid!
³ Ha ha! Idiot. Its⁴ "you're"!
⁴ Fucking moron! Is the penis spelling for you now?!
⁵ Since I took that phrase directly from Master Storyteller, I'm assuming he means a political soccer ball. Just trying to clarify that for the dumb Americans reading this.
⁶ I'm joking! We all know HR Departments are mostly political and if you've got a problem in the office, it'll only get solved if you're buddies with people in Human Resources. I once had a manager cry during my work review because she noted that I wasn't trying to be friends with her. I did not get my regularly scheduled raise. I did not go to HR because my boss's sister was head of HR.
⁷ And Russia! The Russian flag can be seen in a different panel.
No comments:
Post a Comment