Planetary #1 (April 1999)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Bill O'Neil, and Laura Depuy Martin
Edited by John Layman
• I don't actually own the first issue of this series for some reason so I'll be reading the version reprinted in All Over the World and Other Stories. The good thing about this is it begins with an introduction by Alan Moore! And it isn't 1266 pages either! It's a mere two pages!
• I didn't mean that "1266 pages" bit to sound like a critique of Jerusalem. I fucking loved Jerusalem. I loved it so much that when I finished it, I thought, "This book demands to be read twice. But fuck if I'm going to read it a second time." And then maybe a year or two later, I picked it up off of my shelf to just get a little taste of it and WHAMMO! I'd read it a second time. Great fucking book. But it is long and it has teeny, tiny type so I think it's actually longer than you'd think it is. So what I was getting at with the page count commentary was just this: Fuck yeah! Two pages of pure Alan Moore injected directly into my brain? I can read two pages lickety split!¹
• I did not shout "Let's go!" like a piece of shit Twitch streamer before reading the essay.
• I shouted it like a cool and noble Twitch streamer.
• Alan Moore's theme for his introduction is the point of time in which he's given to write the introduction and what that means for Planetary: the very end of the 20th Century blossoming into the 21st. I hate to do this to Moore and cut his entire introduction down into one main line but, well, I'm going to anyway. Probably because I don't really feel anything, hate or love. Here's the line: [Planetary] is at once concerned with everything that comics were and everything that comics could be, all condensed into a perfect jeweled and fractal snowflake." That is all ye know about this comic, and all ye need to know. Bitches.
• Writing about this comic is going to expose my severe lack of comic book knowledge and history, especially that of Marvel. But that's not going to stop me because I'm a sociopathic narcissist with a driving need to communicate to the void. The Non-Certified Wife hears more than enough of my artsy-fartsy thoughts so I try to make sure this blog takes the brunt of them.
• The issue begins in a lone diner in the desert surrounded by not other buildings like you might expect. It's just all by its lonesome. Like a greasy oasis. Is this the diner that the Titans visit in the HBO series? Did I miss some Planetary Easter Eggs while watching it?!
• Was it in the final season of the Titans television show where we got a glimpse of a whole bunch of DC's other worlds? And one of those scenes was just Grant Morrison looking at the camera. But because Grant Morrison looks more like Lex Luthor than the Titans Lex Luthor, 99% of the audience was all, "Oh hey! The real Lex! What's he up to? Hopefully he's not vomiting snakes too! Ha ha!"
• The story begins with Jakita Wagner and Elijah Snow meeting for the first time at the end of the 20th Century. She's got a job for him.
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Bill O'Neil, and Laura Depuy Martin
Edited by John Layman
• I don't actually own the first issue of this series for some reason so I'll be reading the version reprinted in All Over the World and Other Stories. The good thing about this is it begins with an introduction by Alan Moore! And it isn't 1266 pages either! It's a mere two pages!
• I didn't mean that "1266 pages" bit to sound like a critique of Jerusalem. I fucking loved Jerusalem. I loved it so much that when I finished it, I thought, "This book demands to be read twice. But fuck if I'm going to read it a second time." And then maybe a year or two later, I picked it up off of my shelf to just get a little taste of it and WHAMMO! I'd read it a second time. Great fucking book. But it is long and it has teeny, tiny type so I think it's actually longer than you'd think it is. So what I was getting at with the page count commentary was just this: Fuck yeah! Two pages of pure Alan Moore injected directly into my brain? I can read two pages lickety split!¹
• I did not shout "Let's go!" like a piece of shit Twitch streamer before reading the essay.
• I shouted it like a cool and noble Twitch streamer.
• Alan Moore's theme for his introduction is the point of time in which he's given to write the introduction and what that means for Planetary: the very end of the 20th Century blossoming into the 21st. I hate to do this to Moore and cut his entire introduction down into one main line but, well, I'm going to anyway. Probably because I don't really feel anything, hate or love. Here's the line: [Planetary] is at once concerned with everything that comics were and everything that comics could be, all condensed into a perfect jeweled and fractal snowflake." That is all ye know about this comic, and all ye need to know. Bitches.
• Writing about this comic is going to expose my severe lack of comic book knowledge and history, especially that of Marvel. But that's not going to stop me because I'm a sociopathic narcissist with a driving need to communicate to the void. The Non-Certified Wife hears more than enough of my artsy-fartsy thoughts so I try to make sure this blog takes the brunt of them.
• The issue begins in a lone diner in the desert surrounded by not other buildings like you might expect. It's just all by its lonesome. Like a greasy oasis. Is this the diner that the Titans visit in the HBO series? Did I miss some Planetary Easter Eggs while watching it?!
• Was it in the final season of the Titans television show where we got a glimpse of a whole bunch of DC's other worlds? And one of those scenes was just Grant Morrison looking at the camera. But because Grant Morrison looks more like Lex Luthor than the Titans Lex Luthor, 99% of the audience was all, "Oh hey! The real Lex! What's he up to? Hopefully he's not vomiting snakes too! Ha ha!"
• The story begins with Jakita Wagner and Elijah Snow meeting for the first time at the end of the 20th Century. She's got a job for him.
Elijah doesn't mean he wants to change having spent a decade alone, just to be clear. He wants to change having eaten at that diner for the last decade.
• The job is a bit vague. Elijah Snow knows things about the 20th Century that most everybody else doesn't. Jakita Wagner also, presumably, knows some secrets. But she wants to know more. She wants to know them all! And somehow this grouchy old dude who makes everything cold can help.
• Elijah gets set up in the New York offices of Planetary. Apparently they've got offices all over the world since they call the New York office the, um, New York office. And their organization is called, you know, Planetary.
• With a fresh clean tailored suit on him, Elijah's ready to learn a little bit about the organization. It's a three man team if you don't count The Fourth Man which nobody does because he just pays for everything. Also nobody knows who he is. The second man, assuming Jakita is the first man², is The Drummer. Jakita isn't ready to talk about the original third man whom Elijah is replacing.
• Elijah gets set up in the New York offices of Planetary. Apparently they've got offices all over the world since they call the New York office the, um, New York office. And their organization is called, you know, Planetary.
• With a fresh clean tailored suit on him, Elijah's ready to learn a little bit about the organization. It's a three man team if you don't count The Fourth Man which nobody does because he just pays for everything. Also nobody knows who he is. The second man, assuming Jakita is the first man², is The Drummer. Jakita isn't ready to talk about the original third man whom Elijah is replacing.
I'd be willing to bet Ellis's original script read "stop him from fucking television sets" but since I don't own Absolute Planetary, I don't have access to a copy of the script.
• Elijah's first mission with the team takes him to the Adirondacks where a mysterious complex has been found in deep in the mountains. The entrance was disguised with a hologram. It's also the last known location of Doc Brass.
• Who is Doc Brass? I don't know. Some slightly-off version of some pulp hero, I guess? Probably Doc Savage since he was called "the man of bronze" in George Pal's 1975 Doc Savage movie. Remember, this series is about discussing, playing with, and altering well-established characters in comics and pulp stories. There's a reason Alan Moore was picked to write the introduction³, you know.
• Doctor Axel Brass was born on January 1st, 1900. Probably should have been 1901 if he's a real millennium baby but I guess that's just me picking nits instead of simply understanding that 1900 is way cooler than 1901.
• Doc Brass disappeared on January 1st, 1945. The only reason anybody knows anything about him or his inventions or his explorations or his adventures were from a diary kept by an associate of his. Planetary got their hands on the diaries and thought, "Kor! What's this?! Who the fuck is Doc Brass?!" And if Planetary doesn't know about something, it must be super important and super secret. Because they know so much of the secret history of the world that learning something new means they're onto something that was meant to be hidden.
• Soon, we get Jakita's exciting secret origin.
• Who is Doc Brass? I don't know. Some slightly-off version of some pulp hero, I guess? Probably Doc Savage since he was called "the man of bronze" in George Pal's 1975 Doc Savage movie. Remember, this series is about discussing, playing with, and altering well-established characters in comics and pulp stories. There's a reason Alan Moore was picked to write the introduction³, you know.
• Doctor Axel Brass was born on January 1st, 1900. Probably should have been 1901 if he's a real millennium baby but I guess that's just me picking nits instead of simply understanding that 1900 is way cooler than 1901.
• Doc Brass disappeared on January 1st, 1945. The only reason anybody knows anything about him or his inventions or his explorations or his adventures were from a diary kept by an associate of his. Planetary got their hands on the diaries and thought, "Kor! What's this?! Who the fuck is Doc Brass?!" And if Planetary doesn't know about something, it must be super important and super secret. Because they know so much of the secret history of the world that learning something new means they're onto something that was meant to be hidden.
• Soon, we get Jakita's exciting secret origin.
See? It's exciting! Because it's about keeping her from being bored!
• The first thing Jakita and Elijah find in Doc Brass's bunker (The Drummer remained on the helicopter because he's a slacker) is a hall of trophies. A winged skeleton labeled "The Vulcanin. Raven God." A ship that looks like a pussy called "The Hull of the Charnel Ship." A black mannequin labeled "The Vestments of the Black Crow King." And five alien statues (or taxidermized aliens?) called "The Murder Colonels." Are these analogous to any characters in fiction? Are they twisted objects and characters from Doc Savage novels or comics? I don't know! I think they're just meant to be mysterious and flavorful! Mmm! Delicious!
• The second thing they discover is Doc Brass. Alive. And, well, not well, really.
• The second thing they discover is Doc Brass. Alive. And, well, not well, really.
Gross⁴.
• The "they" in Doc Brass's statement in the final panel above are Ellis's version of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen³. Doc Savage as Doc Brass working with several other fictional "heroes" and "villains". Tarzan. Maybe The Shadow? Some flying ace guy. Possibly Thomas Edison (the Tom Strong looking guy?). Fu Manchu, maybe? And a West Coast guy in a suit just called "Jimmy" who might deal in strangeness.
• These seven icons have gathered together to discuss the creation of a quantum computer. Ellis has Doc Brass, Thomas Edison, and Fu Manchu explain to the readers of 1999 what a quantum computer is and how it would differ from the regular computers we all know and love. And also how they believe reality is a quantum computer where every state of being, all potential, exists in a constant state of uncertainty which creates the reality we observe.
• Doc Brass and his team created and programmed the quantum computer to end World War II in mere seconds. It would create every possible reality after being fed the variables and spit out the reality that would match the reality they were living in and send it in the proper direction to end the war.
• What they didn't realize was that the quantum computer was not just solving a problem, it was creating every other reality. Creating and discarding them as they were seen as not the answer. And in those realities, time was going by normally. So it was creating and destroying worlds. Near the end, just as it was about to solve the problem, a group of heroes on a doomed world inside the quantum computer looked out and saw the people responsible for their demise. And they did what heroes do: they tried to stop the end of their world.
• These seven icons have gathered together to discuss the creation of a quantum computer. Ellis has Doc Brass, Thomas Edison, and Fu Manchu explain to the readers of 1999 what a quantum computer is and how it would differ from the regular computers we all know and love. And also how they believe reality is a quantum computer where every state of being, all potential, exists in a constant state of uncertainty which creates the reality we observe.
• Doc Brass and his team created and programmed the quantum computer to end World War II in mere seconds. It would create every possible reality after being fed the variables and spit out the reality that would match the reality they were living in and send it in the proper direction to end the war.
• What they didn't realize was that the quantum computer was not just solving a problem, it was creating every other reality. Creating and discarding them as they were seen as not the answer. And in those realities, time was going by normally. So it was creating and destroying worlds. Near the end, just as it was about to solve the problem, a group of heroes on a doomed world inside the quantum computer looked out and saw the people responsible for their demise. And they did what heroes do: they tried to stop the end of their world.
An alternate version of the Justice League with Aquaman, Flash, Green Lantern, Superman, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, and Batman.
• Everybody was killed in the subsequent battle except for Doc Brass. He remained after the battle because the computer was still running and he was afraid some other threat might come through. Oh, and also his legs were right fucked.
• So by the end of Planetary's first mission, they have discovered a secret organization, seven heroic people they'd never known about, a high technology secret base in the Adirondacks, and a quantum computer. And Doc Brass, of course! That's a pretty good haul for their first adventure as a team!
The Ranking!
Just so good! Archaeology hasn't been this fun since that guy in the fedora shoved Nazis into propellers and ran them over on motorcycles! One nice touch in the battle with the alternate Justice League is when The Flash is killed by Edison's ray gun, he basically dies like he did in Crisis on Infinite Earths. I'm not sure how the rest died but I think they were all just plain riddled with bullets. Green Lantern's proxy, Blue Fist (or whatever), definitely was shot down by The Flying Ace. I don't know how alternate Batman didn't kill everybody. Pretty shit Batman on that world, I guess.
__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ This bullet point should have been a footnote on the previous bullet point and not its own bullet point.
² Woman. You know what I mean. Don't get like that! Just try to remember that "man" is inclusive of all genders while "woman" is specific! Unless you're calling a trans-woman a man and then you're just being a jerk.
³ The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen technically came out before Planetary. Both had debuted earlier in the year Moore wrote the introduction. The similarities are mostly that each of the creators capitalize on the nostalgia of the characters and stories they grew up with. Also that they're about long-running secret organizations with revolving casts. Moore, of course, uses famous characters as his members; Ellis just made up some people. Unless The Drummer was based on Peter Criss?
⁴ I don't mean to suggest all disabled or injured people are gross! Just this one because ew look at his legs! Ugh! huurrrr . . . hurrrr . . . oh man, I almost just threw up. And, yes, I transcribed the sound I made!
• So by the end of Planetary's first mission, they have discovered a secret organization, seven heroic people they'd never known about, a high technology secret base in the Adirondacks, and a quantum computer. And Doc Brass, of course! That's a pretty good haul for their first adventure as a team!
The Ranking!
Just so good! Archaeology hasn't been this fun since that guy in the fedora shoved Nazis into propellers and ran them over on motorcycles! One nice touch in the battle with the alternate Justice League is when The Flash is killed by Edison's ray gun, he basically dies like he did in Crisis on Infinite Earths. I'm not sure how the rest died but I think they were all just plain riddled with bullets. Green Lantern's proxy, Blue Fist (or whatever), definitely was shot down by The Flying Ace. I don't know how alternate Batman didn't kill everybody. Pretty shit Batman on that world, I guess.
__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ This bullet point should have been a footnote on the previous bullet point and not its own bullet point.
² Woman. You know what I mean. Don't get like that! Just try to remember that "man" is inclusive of all genders while "woman" is specific! Unless you're calling a trans-woman a man and then you're just being a jerk.
³ The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen technically came out before Planetary. Both had debuted earlier in the year Moore wrote the introduction. The similarities are mostly that each of the creators capitalize on the nostalgia of the characters and stories they grew up with. Also that they're about long-running secret organizations with revolving casts. Moore, of course, uses famous characters as his members; Ellis just made up some people. Unless The Drummer was based on Peter Criss?
⁴ I don't mean to suggest all disabled or injured people are gross! Just this one because ew look at his legs! Ugh! huurrrr . . . hurrrr . . . oh man, I almost just threw up. And, yes, I transcribed the sound I made!
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