Planetary #1 (April 1999)

Planetary #1 (April 1999)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Bill O'Neil, and Laura Depuy Martin
Edited by John Layman

• I don't actually own the first issue of this series for some reason so I'll be reading the version reprinted in All Over the World and Other Stories. The good thing about this is it begins with an introduction by Alan Moore! And it isn't 1266 pages either! It's a mere two pages!

• I didn't mean that "1266 pages" bit to sound like a critique of Jerusalem. I fucking loved Jerusalem. I loved it so much that when I finished it, I thought, "This book demands to be read twice. But fuck if I'm going to read it a second time." And then maybe a year or two later, I picked it up off of my shelf to just get a little taste of it and WHAMMO! I'd read it a second time. Great fucking book. But it is long and it has teeny, tiny type so I think it's actually longer than you'd think it is. So what I was getting at with the page count commentary was just this: Fuck yeah! Two pages of pure Alan Moore injected directly into my brain? I can read two pages lickety split!¹

• I did not shout "Let's go!" like a piece of shit Twitch streamer before reading the essay.

• I shouted it like a cool and noble Twitch streamer.

• Alan Moore's theme for his introduction is the point of time in which he's given to write the introduction and what that means for Planetary: the very end of the 20th Century blossoming into the 21st. I hate to do this to Moore and cut his entire introduction down into one main line but, well, I'm going to anyway. Probably because I don't really feel anything, hate or love. Here's the line: [Planetary] is at once concerned with everything that comics were and everything that comics could be, all condensed into a perfect jeweled and fractal snowflake." That is all ye know about this comic, and all ye need to know. Bitches.

• Writing about this comic is going to expose my severe lack of comic book knowledge and history, especially that of Marvel. But that's not going to stop me because I'm a sociopathic narcissist with a driving need to communicate to the void. The Non-Certified Wife hears more than enough of my artsy-fartsy thoughts so I try to make sure this blog takes the brunt of them.

• The issue begins in a lone diner in the desert surrounded by not other buildings like you might expect. It's just all by its lonesome. Like a greasy oasis. Is this the diner that the Titans visit in the HBO series? Did I miss some Planetary Easter Eggs while watching it?!

• Was it in the final season of the Titans television show where we got a glimpse of a whole bunch of DC's other worlds? And one of those scenes was just Grant Morrison looking at the camera. But because Grant Morrison looks more like Lex Luthor than the Titans Lex Luthor, 99% of the audience was all, "Oh hey! The real Lex! What's he up to? Hopefully he's not vomiting snakes too! Ha ha!"

• The story begins with Jakita Wagner and Elijah Snow meeting for the first time at the end of the 20th Century. She's got a job for him.

Elijah doesn't mean he wants to change having spent a decade alone, just to be clear. He wants to change having eaten at that diner for the last decade.

• The job is a bit vague. Elijah Snow knows things about the 20th Century that most everybody else doesn't. Jakita Wagner also, presumably, knows some secrets. But she wants to know more. She wants to know them all! And somehow this grouchy old dude who makes everything cold can help.

• Elijah gets set up in the New York offices of Planetary. Apparently they've got offices all over the world since they call the New York office the, um, New York office. And their organization is called, you know, Planetary.

• With a fresh clean tailored suit on him, Elijah's ready to learn a little bit about the organization. It's a three man team if you don't count The Fourth Man which nobody does because he just pays for everything. Also nobody knows who he is. The second man, assuming Jakita is the first man², is The Drummer. Jakita isn't ready to talk about the original third man whom Elijah is replacing.

I'd be willing to bet Ellis's original script read "stop him from fucking television sets" but since I don't own Absolute Planetary, I don't have access to a copy of the script.

• Elijah's first mission with the team takes him to the Adirondacks where a mysterious complex has been found in deep in the mountains. The entrance was disguised with a hologram. It's also the last known location of Doc Brass.

• Who is Doc Brass? I don't know. Some slightly-off version of some pulp hero, I guess? Probably Doc Savage since he was called "the man of bronze" in George Pal's 1975 Doc Savage movie. Remember, this series is about discussing, playing with, and altering well-established characters in comics and pulp stories. There's a reason Alan Moore was picked to write the introduction³, you know.

• Doctor Axel Brass was born on January 1st, 1900. Probably should have been 1901 if he's a real millennium baby but I guess that's just me picking nits instead of simply understanding that 1900 is way cooler than 1901.

• Doc Brass disappeared on January 1st, 1945. The only reason anybody knows anything about him or his inventions or his explorations or his adventures were from a diary kept by an associate of his. Planetary got their hands on the diaries and thought, "Kor! What's this?! Who the fuck is Doc Brass?!" And if Planetary doesn't know about something, it must be super important and super secret. Because they know so much of the secret history of the world that learning something new means they're onto something that was meant to be hidden.

• Soon, we get Jakita's exciting secret origin.

See? It's exciting! Because it's about keeping her from being bored!

• The first thing Jakita and Elijah find in Doc Brass's bunker (The Drummer remained on the helicopter because he's a slacker) is a hall of trophies. A winged skeleton labeled "The Vulcanin. Raven God." A ship that looks like a pussy called "The Hull of the Charnel Ship." A black mannequin labeled "The Vestments of the Black Crow King." And five alien statues (or taxidermized aliens?) called "The Murder Colonels." Are these analogous to any characters in fiction? Are they twisted objects and characters from Doc Savage novels or comics? I don't know! I think they're just meant to be mysterious and flavorful! Mmm! Delicious!

• The second thing they discover is Doc Brass. Alive. And, well, not well, really.

Gross⁴.

• The "they" in Doc Brass's statement in the final panel above are Ellis's version of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen³. Doc Savage as Doc Brass working with several other fictional "heroes" and "villains". Tarzan. Maybe The Shadow? Some flying ace guy. Possibly Thomas Edison (the Tom Strong looking guy?). Fu Manchu, maybe? And a West Coast guy in a suit just called "Jimmy" who might deal in strangeness.

• These seven icons have gathered together to discuss the creation of a quantum computer. Ellis has Doc Brass, Thomas Edison, and Fu Manchu explain to the readers of 1999 what a quantum computer is and how it would differ from the regular computers we all know and love. And also how they believe reality is a quantum computer where every state of being, all potential, exists in a constant state of uncertainty which creates the reality we observe.

• Doc Brass and his team created and programmed the quantum computer to end World War II in mere seconds. It would create every possible reality after being fed the variables and spit out the reality that would match the reality they were living in and send it in the proper direction to end the war.

• What they didn't realize was that the quantum computer was not just solving a problem, it was creating every other reality. Creating and discarding them as they were seen as not the answer. And in those realities, time was going by normally. So it was creating and destroying worlds. Near the end, just as it was about to solve the problem, a group of heroes on a doomed world inside the quantum computer looked out and saw the people responsible for their demise. And they did what heroes do: they tried to stop the end of their world.

An alternate version of the Justice League with Aquaman, Flash, Green Lantern, Superman, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, and Batman.

• Everybody was killed in the subsequent battle except for Doc Brass. He remained after the battle because the computer was still running and he was afraid some other threat might come through. Oh, and also his legs were right fucked.

• So by the end of Planetary's first mission, they have discovered a secret organization, seven heroic people they'd never known about, a high technology secret base in the Adirondacks, and a quantum computer. And Doc Brass, of course! That's a pretty good haul for their first adventure as a team!

The Ranking!
Just so good! Archaeology hasn't been this fun since that guy in the fedora shoved Nazis into propellers and ran them over on motorcycles! One nice touch in the battle with the alternate Justice League is when The Flash is killed by Edison's ray gun, he basically dies like he did in Crisis on Infinite Earths. I'm not sure how the rest died but I think they were all just plain riddled with bullets. Green Lantern's proxy, Blue Fist (or whatever), definitely was shot down by The Flying Ace. I don't know how alternate Batman didn't kill everybody. Pretty shit Batman on that world, I guess.


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ This bullet point should have been a footnote on the previous bullet point and not its own bullet point.
² Woman. You know what I mean. Don't get like that! Just try to remember that "man" is inclusive of all genders while "woman" is specific! Unless you're calling a trans-woman a man and then you're just being a jerk.
³ The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen technically came out before Planetary. Both had debuted earlier in the year Moore wrote the introduction. The similarities are mostly that each of the creators capitalize on the nostalgia of the characters and stories they grew up with. Also that they're about long-running secret organizations with revolving casts. Moore, of course, uses famous characters as his members; Ellis just made up some people. Unless The Drummer was based on Peter Criss?
⁴ I don't mean to suggest all disabled or injured people are gross! Just this one because ew look at his legs! Ugh! huurrrr . . . hurrrr . . . oh man, I almost just threw up. And, yes, I transcribed the sound I made!

Roadwork by Richard Bachman (1981)

That cover couldn't be a worse choice for this book. No, wait. The UK First Edition cover couldn't be a worse choice for the book.

This is not a story about a man fighting back against an uncaring government destroying his life. This is not a story about a man using guns to fight back and change the world. The entire confrontation depicted by these two covers takes place across maybe ten pages out of about 280. The covers merely depict where this man's life wound up. This isn't a story about changing things or the little guy rising up to change the system or the underdog besting corporate and government greed. This is a book about a man who never figured out how to properly mourn his son and move on. This is a story about a man who probably should have gotten therapy.

Near the end, as Bart's in a standoff with police, a reporter asks Bart George Dawes what he wants. A plane to get away? A peaceful resolution? His house? But this is his answer:

"I want," he said carefully, "to be just twenty with a lot of decisions to make over."

The story hangs on the framework of an interstate being built through the middle of a town which has caused the government to use eminent domain to buy up everybody's houses. The interstate will not just run through Bart Dawes house and neighborhood but also the factory laundry where Bart works. His life will be completely upended and destroyed. Of course, his life has already been completely upended and destroyed by the death of his son with a brain tumor some years previous. The roadwork cutting through and destroying his life is just the metaphor for this man's inability to move on after the death of his son. He cannot move from this house where all the memories of his child remain. He cannot leave the job he worked his entire life. He cannot discuss any of it with the woman he married when they found out she was pregnant (a pregnancy which she subsequently lost). Throughout the book, Bart wrestles with the idea of suicide and what it might possibly mean to his soul. He wrestles with it because the man we meet at the beginning has already decided to do it. Most of the book is just Bart realizing, piece by piece, that he's killing himself.

In every book of King's (Oh? Did I forget to mention for anybody who hasn't heard? Richard Bachman is Stephen King, right? Yeah? Okay!), no matter how dull I might find it, or how predictable, or how utterly mundane the basic plot, he tends to have at least a few moments that are pure genius, moments that remind me that even I can sometimes still feel. And that quote I posted earlier was the moment in this book. It's a short book and doesn't contain a lot of great beats to it. The man buys some guns. The man buys some dynamite. The man takes some mescaline. The man yells at and insults his wife every time they try to talk and she doesn't once simply tell him to fuck off. Man, he treats her like shit! Luckily she eventually leaves him although they tool around with maybe making it work still. Of course, on his wife's side, that's all based on the lies he keeps telling her. Because he can't tell her the truth when he's still not fully aware of the whole truth himself. You know, the truth everybody he seems to meet pretty much picks up on. This guy is going to kill himself.

Roadwork felt like a first draft of Pet Sematary although reading some of King's comments on it argues against that. It felt to me like the dread of a father losing a son and what it might lead him to do. But the way King tells it, it had more to do about his mother's death from cancer. But then, Pet Sematary has a bit to do with that too, so, um, you know? Probably a little of it all in there. What really comes out is a man in his 30s really understanding and coming to terms with the idea of his own mortality. Bart experiences a couple of other deaths in this book and they just drive him even further around the bend. Probably because he knows he's already headed down the path to his grave and, even though it's writ in stone, he's still afraid.

I don't want to discuss the young woman he meets and fucks because Stephen King just likes to have guys meet women and fuck them. I mean, sure, meeting women and fucking them is cool! But Stephen King doesn't know how to write a short story that makes it as cool as it really is in real life. King manages to make me think he believes the key to meeting and fucking women is to be super creepy and adulterous.

The Epilogue is pretty nice though because it makes it clear that everything Bart Dawes did had no great consequence. He just wanted somebody, anybody, to witness his suicide, to acknowledge that his pain was real, and to finally, actually see him. Plus I guess the girl he fucked turned her life around with his help so I guess that meant something?

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #22 (First Week of May 2018)

E!TACT! #22
Justice League #43, Batman #45, The Terrifics #3, Batman and the Signal #3, Hit-Girl #3, Justice League of America #29, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy


Comic Book Reviews!

Justice League #43
By Priest and Woods

Last issue ended with Deathstork murdering The Fan, the guy who knew all of the Justice League's secrets. Superman and Batman both scolded Deathstork for murdering a guy in cold blood but Deathstork defended himself by saying, "You all know...." That was as far as he got before Batman was all, "You're right! Let's talk about something else now, maybe something that isn't also how we're not going to arrest you. I mean, you had a very convincing argument when you asked, 'Did you actually see me kill him?' after which, I'm assuming, you winked."

See, Deathstork only has one eye so you can't really tell if he's winking or not. Did you get that joke? Was I too subtle? Sometimes I'm way too subtle which is funny because most of the criticism I receive from boring people is that my reviews aren't subtle. But then, those are people who actually believe I'm reviewing comic books.

Deathstork and the Justice League begin to fight because a newscopter comes along and the Justice League are all, "We'd better make this ooklay oodgay!" (They speak in Pig Latin so the newspeople can't understand their plan to trick them.) During the battle, Deathstork calls Batman a pacifist. I think maybe Deathstork needs to buy a dictionary. Deathstork may have killed more people than Batman but I think Batman has broken more bones in other people than Deathstork has. And not from hugs, you dum-dums who also think Batman is a pacifist. I could see how it can be confusing though. Batman does hit a lot of people with his fist so at first I was thinking, "Oh yeah! He's totally into pack-a-fisting things!" Then I was all, "That didn't make any sense. Maybe I should buy a dictionary."

Cyborg's plan which he doesn't explain to the readers but the readers know what it is (especially when the reader is me) is to have Deathstork defeat the Justice League on camera so that everybody will run away. That solves the problem somehow. Maybe it's like putting a club on your steering wheel. It's not really that effective at keeping a thief from stealing your car but car thieves see it and just move on to a car without one simply because it's easier to drive a car without a club on the steering wheel.

Even if you were one of those reviewers at Weird Science, you'd probably have realized that the Justice League was throwing the fight because Aquaman was knocked out when Deathstork threw Batman into him. I know Aquaman is lame but comic book physics still have to apply. If Batman was really hurled into Aquaman, Batman's neck would break and Aquaman's nipples have a slight possibility of getting hard. Also, I just read Weird Science's review of this and they totally didn't get the plan until it was explained later.

After everything is sorted (well, sort of sorted), Cyborg asks Batman (after punching him in the face (which is the best time to ask Batman questions)), "Did you bring The Fan to Africa to die?" Batman doesn't answer the question which is the only answer I needed for my question as to why Batman and the others let Deathstork run free. They definitely approve of him killing the people they need killed. The only reason Batman gets so annoyed when Jason Todd or Batwoman kill is that they're ruining his brand. But Deathstork? He's the perfect tool for ridding Batman of sticky problems.

Rating: 8 out of 10 stars. Priest gives the Justice League some ethical problems to work through and they don't really work through them. But that's the nature of comic books. The story is just to give the readers a glimpse at one aspect of being a member of a global force for good and how it's used. It's like asking that stupid question, "If God is omnipotent, can he create a rock so heavy he can't lift it?" You can't really answer the question. You can just present it so that people go, "Oh yeah! That's a right corker!" Then maybe you can say some things that make it sound like the question has been answered so people leave you alone afterward. But mostly, Priest's story is just one of those stories to say, "You know why the Justice League doesn't fix everything? Because they can't! Duh! Now forget all of that grey stuff because they need to white the universe from black!"


Batman #45
By King, Daniel, and Morey

Rating: 9 out of 10. That might be a little high but it's because there's something I really like about this issue. It's a time travel story which I usually hate. But it's a time travel story which shows why time travel stories are so dumb. In this issue, Booster Gold goes back in time to save Bruce's parents so that Bruce can experience the terrible world that would result from that having happened. Then when everything goes back to normal, Bruce will be all, "Oh yeah! I'm glad my parents are dead! Thanks for such a beautiful wedding gift!" (Oh yeah. The premise is that this is Booster's wedding gift to Batman.)

So anyway, Booster fucks it all up because Booster is an incompetent moron. Which, I'm assuming (almost certainly correctly!), is King's metaphor for how people who write time travel stories are incompetent morons who always ruin everything! "But how could it all go wrong?" you sad losers ask in a sad and loserish way. Because Booster Gold forgets how much Bruce loves his parents! So when Bruce learns the truth, he smashes Skeets so that he can forever live in a terrible timeline where Ra's rules Eurasia and people turn into Jokers on a daily basis in Gotham and Dick Grayson is the biggest 90s Image superhero ever! And of course, now it's up to Booster Gold to fix everything! What a dumb jerk (just like all the writers who write terrible time travel stories! (which maybe now includes Tom King? Oh man! Is that the biggest time travel paradox yet? That I love Tom King's Batman but I hate time travel stories so now I hate Tom King and/or love his time travel story?! (I'm confused. How many parenthetical references has this been?)))!

Booster Gold is more enjoyable in this issue than he is in any issue Dan Jurgens has ever written. That's because Tom King presents him more as the Giffen and Giffen's pal (you remember him! The guy who wrote Moonshadow!) version of Booster. He's a bit of an incompetent dork. That version was always much better than the one where Booster Gold is the sheriff of all time and the most important character in DC continuity.

I still maintain that people who dislike Tom King's Batman have no sense of whimsy and do not enjoy actual story-telling. They just want standard continuity and no risks Batman stories that remind them of all the other boring Batman stories they've read over their sad and pathetic lives reviewing comics at the Weird Science blog.

As a story teller, Tom King might be one of the best comic book writers around. Maybe he's not the best writer or the best at allowing fans at cons to give him oral sex. But he tells entertaining stories. I suppose if you have a continuity stick up your butt and you expect characters to rigorously represent all of the facts listed in DC's Who's Who, and these things force you to scowl and dismiss any enjoyable story that doesn't maintain those standards, I can see why you're stupid. I mean why you don't like Tom King's Batman. Sorry that I just repeated myself there.


The Terrifics #3
By Bennett, Lemire, Hope, and Maiolo

Excuse me, DC? DC? Can I get your attention for a second? I just wanted to clarify something about this whole Dark Nights Metal off-shoot comics thing you're doing? Weren't each of these series supposed to excite the audience by tying the best writers with the best artists? And wasn't this supposed to be the book where Ivan Reis spread butter all over my inner butt cheeks so he could more easily bring me to orgasmic bliss? Because I just looked at the cover through a haze of butter that dripped into my eyes and I'm fairly certain Ivan isn't the artist here. And it's only, you know, the third fucking issue? DC? DC? Where are you going? Aren't you going to answer my question?!

It's a good thing I don't purchase my comics based on who's drawing them. That's the immature way to pick comic books and I'm the exact opposite of immature. Although my favorite moment in Batman #45 was when Booster Gold busts into Bruce's birthday party (unless it's his parents' anniversary party (it might be both!)) and says, "I got you a present, Batman!" Then Skeets is all, "Bruce Wayne." And Booster shouts, "I got you a present, Bruce Wayne!" I suppose if I really were mature, I wouldn't have thought that was funny because it wasn't in iambic pentameter and it didn't subtly refer to a penis.

Another piece of evidence that doesn't support the opposite of immature theory is that my favorite part of this comic book is Phantom Girl's butt.

I mean, sure, it's no Supergirl's bum. And it's not Ivan Reis's Phantom Girl's butt. But it will do, pig. It will do.

Rating: 4 Phantom Girl Butts out of 6 Supergirl Bums. This comic book is comic booky. That's the adjective I save for comic books that I can simply enjoy as comic books. They aren't trying to be anything else and I admire them for that. They've accepted their place in this universe in much the same way I haven't accepted mine. They're better than I'll ever be.

It's just so nice to be able to read a comic book that doesn't make me think nor does it make me think that I should be thinking. Sometimes I want to read a difficult comic book so that I can sound smart when I talk about it. But have you tried finding a difficult comic book?! I might as well be looking for a dick that has been inside of a vagina after I've time traveled to an early eighties San Diego Comic Con. Of course if I did find one, I'd know that I messed up the calculations and landed at a 70s con. Lucky sex crazed bastards.


Batman and the Signal #3
By Snyder, Patrick, Hamner, and Martin

This issue begins with Jason Todd saying, "I know you think he's always on time — but in my experience, Batman's always been a little too late." Geez, Todd. Get over it already! So one time he didn't save your life! You can't constantly judge a person on one mistake! You have to wait until they've written twenty or thirty issues of New 52 Teen Titans before judging them constantly! Also, don't go back and read my reviews of Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans because they might expose me for a judgmental hypocrite who immediately started judging Lobdell one-third of the way through the first issue.

Later, Duke Thomas learns that he's a Jesus figure in both the Christian sense and the sun god sense. Duke's family history mirrors Jesus's while the emphasis of this entire story is on the role of daytime in Gotham.

And now, a short dramatic scene in a bar after James Tynion IV had one beer more than he usually has!

Scott: "Have you noticed how nothing ever happens in the day in Gotham, James IV?"
James: "What? Of course stuff happens in the day. Sometimes the Joker even attacks in broad...."
Scott: "Right. So I was thinking, 'What if Gotham had a hero that went out during the day?'"
James: "Like the way Batman sometimes goes out during...."
Scott: "And everything can be day-themed! Like his nemesis can be The Sundial! No, no! GNOMON!"
James: "That's great, Scott. Genius. So smart."
Scott: "Thanks, James IV. But is it enough? It needs a little more of a hook, especially since I'm thinking of using Duke as the day hero. He's already the most boring Bat-kid. How to spruce him up?"
James: "Maybe he's bisexual? And he's got a bit of a crush on his mentor? And maybe one night he drinks one beer more than he usually does and expresses his passionate love for him?"
Scott: "Oh! That's a great idea, James IV! Make him a Jesus figure! That way we can reference how special he is and how he's The One and how he's super important to the DC Universe no matter how boring he is!"
James: "Um, yeah. That's, um, exactly what I just said. I love you."
Scott: "Did you say you drug Jews, James IV? What the hell is wrong with you? Do you want a bi-line on this new series I just came up with? And did you get my joke? I said 'B-I-line' instead of 'B-Y-line'! Because you're bisexual!"
James: "Can we get the check? I have to go home now."

Rating: 2 out 5 Sundials. Signal is an appropriate name for Duke Thomas because it's such a boring name. And just to be clear, half of the Sundials I awarded to this issue were because the series was only three issues long. Thank Thomas for that!


Hit-Girl #3
By Millar and Lopez Ortiz

This is the issue where Kick-Ass Hit-Girl wades in a little too deep and winds up captured by the people she's been mercilessly slaughtering. You can't have a realistic non-comic book comic book about violence without the hero feeling the threat of death at some point. But being this series is only four issues instead of the usual six, it's also the issue where she escapes capture! Because in the end, even a non-comic book comic book is still a comic book. Nobody wants a real non-comic book story about a violent vigilante because it wouldn't even have enough story to fill one issue before the double-sized final funeral special.

Rating: I still don't like the art although it's probably appropriate for an over-the-top violent comic that relies on proclaiming how cartoony it is or else it would simply be too vulgar for the general population. And when you rely on the general population being thrilled by movies based on your comic books, you have to ease into the super violent territory. Although, I suppose, that argument doesn't really work because the movie this will be turned into will be quite realistic and still have just as much violence and people will love it. That's probably why they had to add the theme to The Banana Splits to Hit-Girl's most violent scene in the first movie. It made it more cartoonish and thus acceptable.


Justice League of America #29
By Orlando, Petrus, and Hi-Fi

At some point in the last few months, some higher-up at DC Comics decided that every comic book they publish should be part of the canonical DC Universe. I think somebody in charge finally read some of Grant Morrison's comic books and thought, "I have a great idea! We should simply allow writers to acknowledge anything we've ever published in the stories they write!" They didn't notice that their eyes began glowing red nor could they have known of the sudden erection that appeared in Grant Morrison's pants. Three of the children's souls Morrison keeps in jars in the pantry dissolved into blessed oblivion as his spell took hold. Now Tom Strong has appeared in The Terrifics and The Watchmen are crossing over into regular DC continuity and Promethea guest-starred in JLA and all the Young Animal imprints crossed over with Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman and Danny the Street was used by Chronos to kill Ahl whose first appearance was in the new Doom Patrol and all of Catwoman and Batman's suit changes throughout DC history were showcased in a recent issue of Batman. It's just the kind of thing that makes continuity nerds shit themselves because now they have to accept that Batman pissed his pants thanks to a throw away Kevin Smith line in his and Walt Flanagan's Batman book.

Don't worry about me though! I'm not one of those nerds! I'm the kind of nerd who thinks every single thing that ever happened in a comic book character's long existence should be part of their baggage. Even if fans hate it or it's problematic or it was such a huge miscommunication between the artist and writer that now Hank Pym is a wife beater. I'll accept anything as continuity since that can only help the case that every Captain Carrot and the Amazing Zoo Crew story has happened in the same universe as Bruce's parents being brutally murdered in an alley.

I'm also pro anything that gives Grant Morrison an erection.

Some people might not think that this is a radical position to hold or that I'm not sacrificing anything by embracing it. But remember that in my comic book philosophy, every story by Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti have actually taken place! You have to take the good with the bad. And also the bad with the worst which is, of course, Cullen Bunn's versions of Lobo and Aquaman.

This book ends with Justice League of America becoming the Justice Foundation. That means they'll be using their powers and resources to make the world a better place. I'm assuming the first order of business is to license their teleportation technology to the rest of the world? And maybe to put Alfred's healing tea on sale across the country? What about Lazarus Pit technology? Is that ready for market or does everybody return with insatiable blood lust? Would that even be noticeable in America?

Rating: 4 out of 5 Lobos. Speaking of Lobo, he made an appearance in this issue (which is why the issue received such a high rating (I'm not like one of those totally subjective reviewers who constantly proclaim they're objective. I know I'm subjective (and when I say I'm objective, it's obviously a joke. I can't believe how often I refuse to explain that to idiots who comment on my blog))). It was a strange guest appearance because everybody knows Lobo is a genocidal maniac but still The Atom sends Chronos to be punished by Lobo! It doesn't make any sense unless Orlando is writing a super soft version of Lobo who respects Batman's no-killing rule even when he's not on the team. Or an even softer super soft version of Lobo who made friends with The Atom and respects Atom's opinions and his way of life enough to simply beat Chronos badly instead of killing him. Orlando's Lobo isn't as bad as Bunn's Lobo but he's really skirting the edge. The edge is that place where I read a comic book and then attack the writer's grandparents for giving birth to parents that gave birth to that writer.

* * * * * * * * * *


Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Slave Girl by Love/Hate
This is the kind of song that, upon hearing it begin, your parents might say, "I'm happy to hear you listening to the kind of music we loved! This is that freedom rock, right?" Then the voice the singer uses throughout the album that he doesn't use in the beginning of this song screeches out of the speakers along with the heavier guitar riffs. Suddenly your parents make that face which indicates young people's music is terrible but they don't want to seem uncool so they don't say anything except an involuntary tut as they clutch the pearls that aren't actually there because they spent all of their money raising a musical heathen.
     That description only actually works if this is the year this album came out. Which was nearly thirty years ago. Although since everything is now topsy-turvy, it's possible this song is being played by parents while their children have that reaction. It does have the chorus "She's a gang-bang slave girl. I'll be your home boy," which seems like lyrics that didn't move any kind of outrage dial on our generation but might get a young person today to say, five or six times in one breath, the words "problematic" and "gross" with a side-helping of "cultural appropriation" (because it is a white guy saying "home boy," maybe? I seldom can figure out the reason for offense these days. Maybe young people just react violently to older generations showing any kind of joy).
     I just remembered that I had Love/Hate's second album but I can't really remember it. That's probably fine. The album this song was from, Blackout in the Red Room, was huge in my life in my late teens. Now I generally skip most of the songs when they come up on my shuffle. The whole album just feels like it should be heard while hanging out with friends drinking too much Jack Daniels. When I'm at work, it just doesn't give the right energy.
Grade: C+.


Tupelo by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
This song makes me a little bit sad. It begins "Lookee yonder. Lookee yonder. Big black cloud come. Big black cloud come." I used to sing it to my cat Judas: "Lookee yonder. Lookee yonder. Big black cat come. Big black cat come." Then I would change Tupelo to Jupelo which became one of his nicknames.
      Speaking of Judas's death and current non-existence in the universe, the other day, the Non-Certified Spouse was searching YouTube for videos where cat's squeak like our Pelafina on the living room television via the Xbox. When she couldn't find any, she searched for Turkish Angora cats because that's what we suspected Judas was. She found a video of a cat named Precious who looked almost exactly like Judas. As we watched, Pelafina (who loved Judas as her brother-mother, having suckled on his male nipples when she was just a kitten and he was about a year old) noticed. Her tail poofed up a bit and she crawled toward the television watching Judy's doppleganger cross the screen. After a few seconds, she was distracted and turned away. Her tail returned to normal (unlike when something frightens her and it takes a while to return to its former size). But as the action on the television changed and Precious began moving around again, she looked back and her tail poofed up as she walked right up to the television to take a look. It was both the saddest and most joyful thing I've experienced in a while.
     I've always wondered if Pelafina remembers Judas since most of her time was spent trying to encroach on his space and get him to put her in a headlock as he licked her roughly. She loved him immensely. This seems to confirm that she remembers him since the only other time she reacted so strongly and instantly to images on television was the opening to Constantine (which must prove she's from Hell, I guess?). But now she must think that we've locked Judas away in some kind of Phantom Zone where she can't cuddle with him. I bet she hates us so much right now.
     Oh, I was supposed to be reviewing this song, wasn't I? Well, it's a Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds song. If you know their stuff, you know exactly what that means. If you don't, maybe this will help you: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds' music sounds like your car broke down on a deserted highway where the only building nearby is a haunted lounge run by hipster vampires who haven't paid their electric bill so they run everything on a generator which causes the lights to dim and brighten at random intervals. As you approach the building to see if you can get help, a pack of a dozen itinerant and dirty people come out of the shadows and begin slowly following you while chanting in a barely audible whisper that steadily rises until they're shouting in your ear and you have a mental breakdown.
Grade: B+.


Under My Wheels by Alice Cooper
This is the first song on the album Killer and it might be one of the all-time greatest opening album songs. But before I discuss why that is, can we take a look at that cover?

Remember that project in first grade where the teacher takes a picture you've drawn and gets it transferred to a plate? This looks like Alice's.

If an album called Killer on a bright red background with a snake that is both a phallic symbol and makes you think of oral sex because of the tongue didn't enrage your parents in 1971, having to hear "Under My Wheels" blaring out of your room must have pushed them over the edge. Aside from the driving guitar and thumping rhythm that obviously says, "I'm old enough to be thinking about sex constantly, mom and dad!", this song is either about a person running over their lover or being driven so maddeningly out of their mind by their passion for this person that they will run over everybody in town to go fuck that person. It's hard to say what "I've got you under my wheels" actually means. You would think it meant Alice was having some serious car trouble.
     And if your parents weren't completely driven mad at that point, the second song on the album, "Be My Lover," probably finished the job. It pulls them in by making them think, "Oh, this album isn't so bad at all. It's a bit country and blues, I guess!" Then the chorus is all, "If you want to be my lover, you'd better take me home!" and your parents' heads blew up as they kicked in the door and screamed, "NOT IN MY HOUSE, YOU UNGRATEFUL WRETCH!"
Grade: A-.


Skips a Beat (Over You) by The Promise Ring
If The Beatles or The Monkees were still alive and had heard this song, they would have killed themselves over not having written it themselves (or, in The Monkees' case, they would have killed their song writers (I mean right up until they wrote their own songs!)). I'm not sure a more perfect pop song chorus exists. Too bad it exists in the same song as the verses which are lyrically like stepping in dog shit when you're too drunk to care (I wonder if my music review metaphors to describe songs are as universal as I think they are?). I mean, they're not bad in the way stepping in dog shit is always bad. But they're kind of annoying that they've happened and they're messing up your walk home where you had planned to just collapse in bed and sleep blissfully but now you're going to have to do something about this mess.
     At least the song is short and most of it is composed of the chorus. I'd also like to point out that the musical bridge between the penultimate chorus and the final chorus is just as lovely and perfect as the chorus. So if you ignore the dog poop parts, it's really the perfect pop song.
Grade: A-.


Videodrones: Questions by Trent Reznor
Is this a song? I guess it's not really a song. It's off the Lost Highway soundtrack so it can be forgiven for not being a song. Also it's by Trent Reznor for a David Lynch movie so you're going to get what you're going to get, no matter what you just ordered from the menu. This "song" sounds like a guy masturbating in a canyon while reassuring his penis that everything is going to work out just fine right before something apocalyptic happens. I don't know what that thing is but you can tell by the music at the end that the guy's orgasm didn't really go as planned.
Grade: D.

* * * * * * * * * *


Letters to Me!

I didn't get any letters this week, you slackers! But I did have this Twitter exchange with Tom King:

That's all for this week, you jerks! Later!

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Wonder Woman Annual #3 (August 1992)

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Wonder Woman Annual #3 (August 1992)
By William Messner-Loebs, John Dennis, Dave Johnson, Ande Parks, Clem Robins, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Kevin Nowlan
Edited by Frank Pittarese and Dan Thorsland

• Let's get back to bullet points, shall we? This is like The Matrix but for nerds. Hmm. There's something wrong with that statement but I just can't identify quite what it is.

• Eclipso currently sits on his bone throne in a crater in the moon. Do you think the creators of this series meant for that to be so sexual? Did I invent that his throne was made of bone just to create the image of a penis in a moon hole? It's hard to say when about 66% of every thought I have is a delusion created by my brain to make the world more entertaining for myself.

• According to my blog's tags, this is the first comic book I've reviewed by William Messner-Loebs.

• The cover of this comic book turned my pants into a bone throne. In a mere matter of seconds, it will also look like a triple wax carwash down there. I think I have a thing for feral women.

• This issue begins by firing all circuits on my male gaze just to have my horned-up levels' legs kicked out from under it by reading the caption.

Too bad I'm not into necrofellatio. Is it weird that I began that sentence with "too bad"?

• The person making that terrible assumption about Wonder Woman is, surprisingly¹, an on-the-scene local news reporter. The reporter is a woman so she's apparently never heard of the Girl Code. I also have never heard any of the Girl Code because when I ask about it, they usually just say, "Ewww!" But I think there's something there about hyping each other up and not assuming that they've died and then broadcasting their humiliating failure to the entire world².

• As she broadcasts, Cassie continues to pull down her knickers and shit all over the Girl Code.

"Being that Wonder Woman can't fly, she had to walk instead of fly, which she can't do, fly, I mean. She sucks at flying. Just the worst. Probably dead because she can't fly."

• Some guy named The White Magician shows up and, well, even in 1992, I'd maybe have thought twice about that name. He wears white and has white hair but he also has what is colloquially thought of as "white" skin so, you know, maybe that name is saying more than you actually want it to say? Because "white", especially in 1992, was the society accepted neutral position³ which meant if the person's "race"⁴ wasn't mentioned, one would assume "white". If you have to go above and beyond to express your "whiteness" or your "Defender of Western Civilization" status⁵, you're probably making a bigger statement than just the color of your costume and hair.

The White Magician's power is literally making people choke on their own shit.

• The White Magician spends a full page or more invoking all sorts of DC magics that I've never heard of before. Zatanna could have saved the day with a couple of backwards words. Madame Xanadu could have wrapped this shit up by manipulating a bunch of actual heroes in no time at all. But this guy is doing the equivalent of a Great White guitar solo in a small club.

Love bites! Love bleeds! Oh fuck! Oh shit! Why's my dick burning?!

• While White Magician fucks around with the dark arts for the benefit of the news crew, Wonder Woman climbs up a building and tries to hug the terrorist into surrender. You know how she does. She's all, "Look, you're being a toxic male. Maybe get therapy?" And he's all, "I'd rather turn on a machine that removes the friction between air molecules, murder the HR rep of the job that fired me, take a woman and her small child hostage, and blame everybody who doesn't have a metagene for my failures!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Okay, but maybe don't do that?" And his gun is all, "Bratratrat!"

• Wonder Woman takes a few shots to the wrist bracelets and everybody around her is all, "He's a lone gunman! Being a white man, he's the only one responsible for his actions! He doesn't represent his entire race in the same way society demands anybody of a minority group represents the entire group!" Except it couldn't be that explicit, right? Because this is 1992 and according to Comics Gaters, comics only went woke in this millennium. Right?

I guess white supremacists in 1992 could easily overlook a blatant allegory simply by saying, "Well, I don't have a metagene so this guy obviously doesn't represent my idiotic way of thinking!"

• The main problem with this guy is that his metagene has yet to be activated. So he's just a mediocre white dude. But he knows he's better than other people because he's white. I mean because he has a metagene!

• I had to check the cover of this issue again because I got the odd feeling that I was reading a Bloodlines annual and not an Eclipso annual. I guess this is just foreshadowing for next year's big annual crossover event. Maybe this guy becomes Gunfire or Dildosniffer. Were those Bloodlines characters? If they were, I know one of them was written by Warren Ellis.

• The White Magician's spell of bowel-cleansing fear takes place just as Wonder Woman's de-escalating the situation. It affects everybody on top of the skyscraper: the killer, Wonder Woman, and the two hostages. Wonder Woman's big fear is disappointing her mother and the Gods. I would have guessed it would have been Batman.

• The killer, Roger or Robert or whatever, dies from choking on his own shit while Wonder Woman and the hostages just get a little collateral shit swallowing. But I have to think part of the reason Wonder Woman failed was because she was calling him by the wrong name while trying to calm him down.

Whoops!

• Even though The White Magician fucked everything up and his costume isn't anywhere as spectacular as The White Rabbit's, Wonder Woman still accepts an invitation to his mansion for dinner. As a way to apologize to her for completely fucking up the rescue, of course. Not as a way to get into her biker shorts. Not that she's currently wearing biker shorts. But she does go to the dinner in her star-spangled onesie.

• The White Magician's dinner conversation makes me think that perhaps my earlier discussion around his name was way more astute than even I would have guessed.

First he starts the edgelord shit with all the "Oh, I imagine you'll be offended by just about everything, no?"


And then he, um, just gets right to the KKK point.

• The hostage from earlier was a Black woman. Diana was insistent she was the real hero because she threw off the fear spell to save Diana from falling off the building while Diana hung by her foot holding the young girl who first fell off the building. The White Magician wouldn't even acknowledge this fact and now we see why. Obviously a Black woman couldn't be the hero! The look Diana gives this guy says it all.

• Wonder Woman, while pointing out how seriously pathetic white supremacists are, pulls the old Don Draper in the elevator meme exactly two decades before Don Draper does it.

Although Don Draper is lying in that scene and I've got a feeling Wonder Woman seriously means it.

• 24 pages in and not a whiff of Eclipso.

Speaking of whiffs . . . yes please!

• It turns out the local reporter Cassie and the White Magician are fucking. It also turns out Wonder Woman likes watching them fuck.

• Okay, so maybe they don't actually fuck on panel while Wonder Woman watches. But you don't think this is the reaction of somebody who loves the cuck chair?

Messner-Loebs staying true to Wonder Woman's origins as a horny little Amazon.

• Ultimately, I have no fucking clue why Wonder Woman went to dinner at the White Magician's home. I mean, the only conclusion I can make is that she was horny after her close call with death and he was offering. Perhaps when she was blasted by his Spell of Terror and she inundated with feelings of self-loathing, she needed a good fuck to get her confidence back. And the White Magician, while racist, is good looking enough. Also he has a penis⁶.

• The reason Cassie was calling Wonder Woman politically correct is that Wonder Woman admitted that justice, in the parlance of Titus Pullo, makes her wetter than October.

• The White Magician gives Diana a circlet with a Black Diamond on it. She demures but quickly accepts because she's super fucking horny and I can't believe I don't remember this comic book! How did I not start reading Wonder Woman after this?! I should have assumed half of each issue was just Diana trying to get laid.

• Wonder Woman slips into some kind of hypnotic fantasy after donning the Black Diamond. She believes that she has taken the White Magician to Paradise Island and he's brought in developers and horny men. When she confronts him, he goes all Twitter Incel on her.

If that doesn't get her to Eclipse, I don't want to think how far he'll have to go.

• The White Magician isn't working with Eclipso. He just wants Wonder Woman possessed with Eclipso's power so that he can bind her and drain her of the power. Wonder Woman winds up bound by tentacles in the garden with resting Eclipso face.

• Oh, also? It doesn't take. Eclipsed Wonder Woman escapes to either kill the White Magician or eagerly sit in the cuck chair.

• PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE CUCK CHAIR!

Okay. Close enough!

• I don't want people to think I'm into women in hardly any clothes choking other women in even less clothes. I mean, I guess I am because that panel was hot. But I'm not so into it that I actively look for it! What kind of sicko porn search terms do you think I like?! If one of your guesses was "Penguin Costume With Butt Access", congratulations. I guess?

• Wonder Woman lets Cassie go and then fails to kill the White Magician as he slips into another dimension just as she goes for the kill shot. Eclipso, now in total control, decides he got his revenge by trashing the White Magician's house because Wonder Woman is free to fly off to the moon at the end.

• Fly? I thought she couldn't fly? I guess she's more Eclipso than Diana now.

The Ranking
Goddamn! This issue was actually kind of fun. And confusing. I think maybe it contained a lot of actual lore and characters from the 1992 regular series. Or maybe it didn't and this was just a short little story about a horny woman, a racist illusionist, and the God of Vengeance? It's weird because I hate annuals but, I mean, this one was enjoyable! I bet it was because I went back to using bullet points! Yeah, I probably enjoyed it because of the thing I did and not because of the art the artists did! Whew. I feel better now! Go me! __________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Not actually surprising.
² At least the part of the world that receives broadcasts from WTBN.
³ I'm not saying it was correct. I was just media-biased shorthand accepted by a white supremacist society
⁴ In quotes because "white" and "black" are not exactly the most scientific way to determine a person's race. Unless you're a Nazi scientist or somebody's Republican uncle.
⁵ Looking at you, high school friend Soy Rakelson, who disappeared from Social Media in 2016 after Trump won the election because you knew your "Defenses of Western Civilization" were no longer sustainable with your "morality". I mean in your eyes. Everybody else already knew they weren't sustainable and wondered why you kept insisting on debating obviously (to everybody but you, apparently) racist shit. Especially when your closing argument for every debate was, "Where's your faith?" Oh? Sorry I argued facts and logic while you were gummed up in religious dogma while concentrating on attempting to trap us with pre-approved C.S. Lewis logic traps.
⁶ I'm assuming.

Danse Macabre by Stephen King (1981)

I read this book in the '80s. I believe I re-read my mother's copy (which I seem to have filched from her) in the 2010s. I tried to re-read it again while I'm doing a chronological read of King's books and I have to admit failure. At the time, I didn't know where I'd packed away my mother's copy so I was checking it out digitally from the library. But by the third time I'd had to return it without finishing it, I had to admit I couldn't read it again. It's just, well, not good. I can't imagine writing a book at 34 on anything and believing I had enough to say on the topic that hadn't already been covered by academics and obsessive hobbyists who actually loved doing research about the thing I'd decided to write a book about. Stephen King imagined differently. The most interesting parts are when he discusses his own memories of horror films as a young boy. But then I believe that all analysis and critique should be stuffed to the gills with personal anecdotes and opinions. Some really intense nerds on the Internet think so differently than me on that aspect that they sometimes tell me how terrible I am at writing comic book reviews and I'm like, "So I can't give a comic book a 10 out of 10 rating just because of one panel where you could see half of Lobo's naked ass? Well then you can't read my comic book reviews anymore!" Then they'll comment on another one of my reviews and I'll be all, "I thought I revoked consent from you! You know what you're doing by reading one of my reviews without my consent, right?! You know! That thing people can't make jokes about! That's what you're doing to me!"

This book reads like that cover. Derpy. Does that look like a trusting source of information? That looks like a guy who just accidentally drank a bottle of acid because he'd put his beer down on the tray full of bottles of acid and thought, "Well, this *might* be my beer?"

I knew I was in for a tough read when I read the newer essay at the beginning of the book where Stephen King admitted to liking the ending of Frank Darabont's The Mist. I mean, what? Is your favorite movie also Boondock Saints, you fucking hack? Because the ending of Frank Darabont's The Mist was the most nihilistic ending to any movie I've ever seen. It was pure fucking edgelord in the worst way. Sure, sure. I can see ending the movie with the guy having to kill everybody, even the kids, and then maybe wandering off into the mist on his own, sure to be struck down by a weird monster. But to have him kill everybody and then have the army move in immediately to save his ass? Fuck you, Frank. And not just because of that! Because based on that ending, Frank made the fucking lunatic religious lady the hero. She was right. They just had to stay in the supermarket and they'd all be saved. Hell, maybe even her sacrifice of somebody's child was the reason they were saved! Maybe God was all, "Fuck everybody. The Mist time!" And then when she was all, "I give you this virgin blood to save us from damnation, Lord!", God was all, "Oh, yeah, okay. Cool. Send in the army. Everybody is saved now!" Stephen King liked that ending. HE FUCKING LIKED IT! And if you liked it too, you no longer have permission to read my blog because you're too stupid to enjoy art.

Here are some more shitty opinions Stephen King had while writing Danse Macabre:

Had King never seen an actual vagina by 34? Who the fuck thought H.P. Lovecraft was writing about a deep sea vagina that causes madness from the description?!


What are you fucking talking about? You're being sexist by pretending you noticed sexism! I also would have gone back for my cat, you stupid, dimwitted, emotionless, piece of vapid shit!


No wonder my mother raised me on Last House on the Left, The Sentinel, and Prophecy! She was using this as a parenting book! THIS IS WHY I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING!

I really kind of wished I'd kept reading so I could rant about some other quotes from the book. But I gave up. I figure I'd read it twice in my life, I don't need to read it a third time, right? Although I did just find the book last week so, I mean, maybe I should try to get through it again? Yeah? No, no! I'll just move on to Roadwork!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #63 (February 2026)

E!TACT! #63
Cerebus #41, Excerpts from the TTRPG Table, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy


Comic Book Reviews!

Cerebus #41 (August 1982)
By Dave Sim

The Ranking
Cerebus's campaign manages to purchase a second carriage which was an issue in a previous, um, issue because the carriage was so crowded that Moon Roach kept rubbing himself against Astoria. This has enabled Cerebus to get some distance from Astoria and sneak about doing some secret deal campaigning without her notice. With Dirty Fleagle, Moon Roach, and Bran Mak Mufin in Cerebus's carriage, they spend most of their time gambling. But when they're not gambling, they're making backdoor deals with the Cirinists. Astoria wouldn't negotiate for the Cirinists' electoral votes because they wanted her off the campaign completely. But Cerebus has negotiated terms to get their votes that would keep Astoria no better than a secretary in his government. So now he's in a good place to win but Astoria doesn't realize it because she doesn't know about the extra votes. Eventually, none of this will matter because it will all come down to like one yokel's vote and that yokel might just want to fuck Julius's goat so it could be bad. Spoiler: it won't be! I think the guy hates the idea of a goat in charge.

A few other bits of intrigue take place this issue too. The "duck statue" comes back into play. Everybody seems to realize it's important but, as of yet, nobody really knows why. It was just a stupid throw away line a while back when Cerebus's ransom was never paid and instead it was replaced by statue of a duck. But the duck has been lost now and Moon Roach is searching for it because of the other bit of intrigue. Moon Roach has discovered that Astoria doesn't love him. Duh. She doesn't love anybody, bug! He thinks she loves Cerebus but she just wants the power Cerebus can bring them. Also she's fucking Dirty Drew because who isn't? Apparently he's the hottest dude in Estarcion and he really knows how to please the ladies! He doesn't even need to give them a statue of a duck.

This series would have been better if it followed Dirty Drew McGrew. Heck, 95% of the characters are more entertaining than Cerebus himself. Cerebus is a dick. Kind of like Dave is!

Dave certainly didn't mean for Cerebus to be anything like himself. He wrote Cerebus as if the character surprised him at every turn, so much so that Dave had to insert himself into the book to try to warn Cerebus about his life's direction. Dave wrote that Cerebus would die alone, unloved and unmourned. At the time, he seemed to cast that as a warning for Cerebus to change his selfish and destructive ways. But by the end, did Dave simply believe that all visionaries, prophets, and geniuses come to that end? I'm not saying Dave is alone and unloved but he isn't not super close to that position based on his professional life and what became of it. And it seems like Dave thinks he was visited by God about changing his ways too. He stopped fucking and masturbating. He dove head-first into all three Abrahamic religions of the People of the Book. As if he needed to change his ways before he was unloved and unmourned. Except Dave seemed to realize, through his movement of Cerebus toward death and ultimately Hell, that being loved and mourned was nothing compared to your soul's eternal existence. So he didn't care if people liked him or the final thirty issues of Cerebus because it was no longer about that. He had found religion (not any of the three of the People of the Book but a weird, amorphous combination of the three that he created based on his genius understanding of the texts through the eyes of a — sorry, Dave, but this is pretty accurate based on your "two 'Gods'" reading of The Bible — chauvinist. I won't go so far to say Dave's a misogynist; he reminds me more of Piers Anthony who believes the weird, sexist things he believes not through any proof of living but through some weird bending of perception happening in the brain. You know, a kind of post-'60s free love era, '70s sexism, possibly something you can only truly understand if you were there. I guess that's not true because, while I was there, I was single digits during. What would I know about sexism of the '70s other than looking at things I remember through the eyes of the older version of me and Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City books?!

Okay, I'm done thinking about Dave Sim and Cerebus now! Let's move on!

* * * * * * * * * *

Tales from the TTRPG Table

One of the aspects of Table-top Role Playing Games that I think Game Masters and Players tend to ignore is how much of our actual lives are spent as audience. When at the gaming table, players expect to participate in every moment. And why not? Where else can you rightfully have Main Character Syndrome if not at the gaming table?! But what good is a world for your players to play within if that world doesn't have depth and movement separated from their lives? As a Game Master, I believe that things should happen that the Players never actually discover. It might mean that I write ten pages for every page of game revealed to the Players but that doesn't mean that those ten other pages were wasted. They inform the story in ways the Players may never realize but they'll appreciate in how, when they discover something unexpected, that thing makes sense in the world and they can even backfill the beats and movements of other lives they weren't privy to. And sometimes I just write lengthy scenes where the Players can learn as much as they want to learn by paying attention to all that happens while they're merely set as observers. I do not write in pauses for them although they're always free to interrupt and do something stupid. So here's a two-and-a-half part scene from a Zweihander campaign I was running a few years ago. Enjoy! Maybe?

* * * * * * * * * *

Scene: Outside Customs
Mister Tinsel Lashes Out

Mister Tinsel is waiting for you as you exit The Gift Shop. He’s obviously been crying, his eyes red and puffy. “Crutches is dead.” He looks down at his feet, his hands wringing the front of his shirt, and then he looks back up at your blank expressions. “Crutches?! The Halfling guide for The Drowned?! THE DROWNED?! The new crew of explorers rescued from the shipwrecks? THE SHIPWRECKS?! The Superfluous and The Distraction?!” Having actually given you no time to react, you simply allow Mister Tinsel to vent, seeing as a friend and fellow guide has died. He sighs. “Anyway, they’re throwing a wake for him down at Liminal Spaces, if you can be bothered.” He turns and marches toward the bar.

Scene: Inside Liminal Spaces, Orcas' bar
A Wake for Crutches

Liminal Spaces is standing room only as you shove your way in. Orcas waves you over to the bar, pointing to a line of shots on the counter. You push your way past Foros and Bera, holding hands and looking sad standing in the back of the room. Three gnomes in orange jumpsuits and green helmets scurry through your party as they weave their way to the front of the bar where a large crate has been overturned as a makeshift stage. You even notice a couple of Empire Soldiers in attendance. You’re aware of how much of an impact Crutches made on these people even if you barely knew he existed. Even Foros and Bera wouldn’t have known him well; they’ve simply been overwhelmed by the somber atmosphere.

You get to the bar and Orcas hands everybody a shot. “It’s not much, just a little backroom brew I’ve been working on. You know. For occasions like this.” She picks up a glass and downs a shot herself, hissing at the vileness of it. “For all our sakes, hopefully this doesn’t become too common. At least not until I can perfect this recipe.”

Everybody from every group is here drinking and laughing, some crying, with the notable exception of the Bookhouse Boys (not that you’d recognize any of them). Warburton sits up front against the wall behind the crate, facing the crowd. The new pudgy guy sits on a cot in the corner observing it all, and occasionally writing in a journal in his lap. A large brutish man you’ve never seen before stands in the dark corner. His face is covered in a large, scraggly beard and his long wiry hair is held back in a ponytail. He wears bronze armor and carries a Gladius on his hip over a leather skirt. His eyes glint in the dark like those of an animal.

[The man in the corner is Gorf, Consoler of First Fallen, and one of the five Higher-Ups for The Lantern Society. Even though others have fallen on the Island before, Gorf senses this is the first actual casualty for what has become a complete army exploring this island. These are the brothers and sisters who will fight to save the world.]

Warburton stands up and climbs shakily onto the box. “Thanks for coming, everybody.” Cheers and toasts fill the room with a smattering of people yelling, “To Crutches!” Warburton waits for the room to grow silent and says, “I never know what to say when this happens. And I sort of don’t want to turn this into some kind of inspirational rally to fight for good and live life to its fullest. It just fucking sucks. Other than to celebrate Crutches’ life and get fall down drunk doing so, we’re also here because one of the Higher-Ups, Gorf, wanted to say something. And, well, who am I to refuse Gorf?”

“WHO IS ANYONE TO REFUSE GORF?!” booms the man in the corner as he bends his knees, grips his Gladius, and scans the room.

Warburton’s frown breaks and she laughs. “Okay, calm the fuck down, Gorf. Oh. Um, sorry for my continued informality everybody. Anyway, here’s Gorf.”

The large man steps forward, looks down at the crate, and smashes it beneath his foot as he puts his weight on it. He shakes the broken crate until his foot is free and then looks out at the crowd. “I AM GORF,” he states in what's apparently his normal voice but would be a shout coming out of anybody else. He is quite large. “I AM CONSOLER OF THE FIRST FALLEN AND THOUGH WE HAVE LOST OTHERS BEFORE THIS, CRUTCHES IS THE FIRST OF OUR ARMY TO FALL SINCE WE HAVE BECOME THE FAMILY WE WERE ALWAYS MEANT TO BE. WE ARE ALL HERE. IF NOT IN THIS ROOM, SOMEWHERE ON THE ISLAND. I SENSE US ALL. FINALLY. AND WE, ALL OF US, ARE AT WAR WITH FORCES THAT WOULD TAKE EVERYTHING: POSSESSIONS, LAND, LIFE, TIME, EXISTENCE. THOSE IN THIS ROOM HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING. WE DON’T KNOW HOW IT WILL HAPPEN OR IF ANY OF US WILL, TRAGICALLY, PLAY A PART. BUT WE MUST FIGHT AGAINST ITS HAPPENING WITH ALL OF OUR STRENGTH, WILL, AND DETERMINATION. WITH THE DEATH OF CRUTCHES, OUR ENEMY HAS DRAWN FIRST BLOOD.”

Orcas leans over and whispers to you all, “Crutches died falling in a sinkhole.”

“BUT WE WILL DRAW SECOND BLOOD! AND THEY WILL FIND NEED FOR THEIR CONSOLER OF THE FIRST FALLEN, WHATEVER BESOTTED AND VILE DEMON THAT MIGHT BE! SURELY MY OPPOSITE, UGLY AND LOATHSOME TO LOOK UPON! IN THE FINAL BATTLE, I WILL BE SURE TO SMITE HIM! SO IN CRUTCHES’ NAME, I SAY, “TO WAR!”” When Gorf says “To War!”, he actually does shout and it leaves everybody’s ears ringing. He steps back into the shadows in the corner.

Warburton steps up, looks at the ruined crate, and shrugs. “Well, I said we weren’t going to make this some inspirational speech relying on the death of Crutches but I guess Gorf here didn’t get the memo.”

“THERE WAS NO MEMO, HARLOT!”

“By the Empress. Sorry about that. Let’s just keep Crutches in our memory. He was a good kid with a bad leg. Drink up, I guess.”

Warburton heads into the crowd and begins speaking with Hips and Flaming Willy.

[Let the party mingle. If they stay for any length of time, the following will play out.]

Scene: Liminal Spaces, after the Wake
Tim Receives a Prophetic Nickname

“Excuse me! Excuse me! I know most of you don’t know me. My name is Tim. I’m a poet. Your little orange and green gnomes pulled me from my hiding place a few days back, dehydrated and on the brink of death. So this place saved me. And I wanted to express my gratitude with a poem, if you don’t mind.”

“This outta be jolly,” barks Imhol from where he was sat at a table with a mug of ale in each hand.

“Yeah, gives us your poem, Jolly!” shouts Vyach sitting next to Imhol, either thinking Imhol was calling the man by name or simply deciding a quick nickname was in order.

“Okay.” Tim pulls out his journal and flips it open. A strange pen falls out and clatters to his feet. He clears his throat and says, “This is called Poem. Um, all my poems are called Poem. Um, anyway, it goes like this.

"The first time I saw you, I thought, “Goy! That’s a little fella!”
Then you limped to the bar and I chuckled.
Probably inappropriately. But, you know, laughing is like a fart sometimes.
It won’t be held in.
You saw me chuckling and you grinned, turning back to the bar,
And ordering another mug.
Which you brought to me.
Like an old friend.”

Tim closes the journal. “Um, thanks for listening.” Vyach stands and applauds enthusiastically, “Thanks, Jolly!” You feel as if Vyach is actually applauding himself for coming up with the guy’s nickname.

* * * * * * * * * *


Letters to Me!

Stella Saide Writes: REAL AND HONEST LOVE SPELL CASTER. I don’t really know how to thank Priest Guba, enough for what he has done for me. My husband left me and went back to his mistress for months. If not for the intervention of Priest Guba, I wouldn't have gotten back my husband. His powerful reunion love spell brought back my husband. I doubted him at the beginning but I realized without faith nothing Is possible. Thank God today I am among the people who testify about Priest Guba, for his good work that restored peace back to my marriage.

My Reply: Unless your husband killed himself following his dead mistress into the afterlife and Priest Guba brought him back to life, I think you might be making a huge mistake thanking that guy. Who wants a lousy husband that treats you like that? Forget Priest Guba! You should gone to Tony the Butcher! Or Isabella "Emasculation" Quintana. Also, you might be confused about "faith" if you're thanking a "real and honest spell caster." I think magic is different than miracles in some way. Or have I been wrong my entire life and hypnotists are using the power of God to make people act like chickens? Also why did you capitalize "Is"? That's a weird choice. Please ask Priest Guba if he can resurrect cats for me. I know some people prescribe to the tenet "Sometimes, dead is better" but I'd like to give it a try anyway. Thanks!

* * * * * * * * * *

Later, jerkos!

Timber Wolf #2 (December 1992)

Timber Wolf #2 (December 1992)
By Al Gordon, Joe Phillips, Bob Pinaha, and Tom McCraw
Cover by Joe Phillips and Al Gordon
Edited by Eddie Berganza and KC Carlson

Timber Wolf (Timby to his friends) has an anger problem. I don't know if he had an anger problem before Aria transformed him into the werewolf he is now and transported him to the 20th Century. It seems that before this mini-series, he was not a full blown werewolf. I don't know. Maybe he was? I think he was just a skinny little emo twat who had extra fast reflexes and extra strength from his father shooting him up with Zoon beams. But that's all boring standard Legion fare so he needed a cool Wolverine/Lobo update for the '90s! Now he's angry and vicious and has a huge cock. You can argue about the cock but if you were a horny twelve year old who's halfway to becoming God and you transformed the only guy you were hanging out with, wouldn't you make his cock massive?

Aside from having to learn to live with a floppy gourd between his legs, Timber Wolf also has to learn to get along with Lobo's bastard son, the half-Durlan Thrust. Lobo's wanted for about a billion crimes across the galaxy but naming his son Thrust might be the grossest thing he's ever done. I love Lobo and my eyes keep trying to look at him sideways over that name. Thrust is kind of a pussy but that's because his mother was a Durlan. That means he's a shapechanger and if you were a horny young male who had the power to shapechange, wouldn't you try changing into a pussy every now and then? I'm pretty sure if I were a Durlan, I would have invented the fleshlight. I mean my left hand would have constantly been a pussy. Maybe a mouth sometimes. Oh! And a butthole!

Thrust and Timber Wolf have gone off on their own to search for Aria because they're bad boys who don't follow the rules. Their first stop: a bar called The Gene Pool where newly created supers hang out. That's because Captain Flag is there and the only clue they have is that he's involved with Aria's disappearance somehow.

Thrust drinks soda and gets horny over feet. No wonder Lobo doesn't want anything to do with him.

Captain Flag makes himself known on the next page by throwing Thrust through the front window. Captain Flag's costume consists of an American eagle codpiece and some other stuff I can't describe because I just kept staring at the codpiece. It's massive!

Ew. I don't know what the third thing he smells is yet but it's almost certainly something that's going to make me retch.

I'm not going to reveal what the third thing Timby smells is because it's too gross even for one of my comic book commentaries. All I'll say is that it's a smell that I can't seem to get out of my sheets.

The battle lasts for the rest of the issue because Al Gordon isn't just a writer; he's an artist! Of course he's going to write a comic book that's mostly big battles and sexy butts! Captain Flag gets away but not before Timber Wolf smelled a fourth smell on him: Aria!

See that expression? He is Lobo's kid!

In the end, we discover that Aria was kidnapped by a Dominator who's also controlling the head of Point Force. Not Jesse! The other guy whose name I don't know. And I'll never know it because I don't own Issue #3 and I'll never re-read the first two issues again to figure it out! Oh well. I hope Thrust went on to live a happy life full of soda pop and sexy feet because I don't think he really made much of an impact past this mini-series. He did make it into the version of the DC Who's Who that was perforated pages with holes punched down the side to stick in a binder. I definitely have his page but I'd have to dig it out. Maybe when I get around to continuing my series on Who's Who entries!

The Ranking!
It had a really nice lady ass, a guy mimicking a Lobo expression, and a guy with a massive American eagle codpiece. What more could you want out of a comic book? Oh, that's right. Having it not be based around Legion of Super-heroes characters! Oh, come on! Don't get upset with me, Legion fans! I'm just an ignorant asshole who never read Legion at that time of my life where I would have been completely sucked into their teenage horned-up drama! My adolescent Legion of Super-heroes was Degrassi Junior High! The original, baby! I remember when they began The Next Generation. Man, I was so annoyed by it. I was all, "Look at how good looking all the actors are! This isn't like real life at all! So stupid! The original had boys and girls whose level of attractiveness was all over the place, mostly the lower place (minus, you know, Caitlin Ryan. Rrrrow!). But then I discovered that the main character was little Emma, Spike's daughter, and I was all, "What the fuck?! Spike is in this?! And she's with Snake?! There's continuity with the original!" And then I watched it and fell in love with it as well. Especially because Caitlin was in it!

Timber Wolf #1 (November 1992)

Timber Wolf #1 (November 1992)
By Al Gordon, Joe Phillips, John Workman Jr, and Tom McCraw
Cover by Joe Phillips
Edited by Michael Eury

The Cover
The logo, like the werewolf, is trying way too hard. Look at how dynamic it is! With all the jagged lines, blaring red borders, and crazy long ends! It's like if an infected wolf gouge were a logo! That's probably what they were going for, right? So I get the concept. But it's — and this is a technical term used by the better art critics — fucking garbage. Also the werewolf, like the logo, is coming on too strong. He's all, "Hey, buddy! I asked you if you had a cigarette." And I scream "I don't have one!" as I cower and piss myself. Then he's all, "I saw you smoking one last week!" And I whimper, "I think it was cold. That was just my breath!" Then I have to suck his dick to calm him down but I forget that some of my fillings are silver and his lycanthropic penis breaks out into huge blisters and he's all, "You just gave me herpes!" Also now I'm a werewolf because I swallowed a little pre-cum.

So anyway, that's what the cover says to me. Maybe that says less about the cover and more about my werewolf fetish.

The Story
I've never been a Legion of Super-heroes reader. I don't even know if it's "Super-heroes" or "Superheroes" or "Stupid-zeroes". The only time I ever read it was during The New 52 when I had to because I was reading everything (I know, I know. "I had to" isn't the load bearing wall I'm pretending it is. A load of Superboy fans on tumblr never could understand why I kept reading that shit). So it's a mystery — other than my werewolf fetish — why I purchased this comic book. I also purchased the second issue. But I must have been sexually satisfied after that because I decided not to buy the final three issues of the mini-series. Hopefully it's just as terrible as I'm assuming it's going to be or I'm going to be dying to find out what happens! I mean that literally. I will buy the last three issues only over my dying and/or dead body.

I'd also like to state before going any further: Seth Green nearly destroyed my werewolf fetish. Gross. Not interested. Sorry, Seth! It's not meant as a personal insult. I just need a big bulky furry snarl-bro looming over me and not a yippy little motherfucker I can hold back with one hand as I unsuccessfully try to get my limp dick hard.

Okay, you know what? That did sound personal. Sorry again!

Wait a second. Did Lobo have a kid already back in 1992?!

I don't know who this Thrust character is but I suspected he was Lobo's kid from this first panel. A page or two later, he says "Frag" and he casually mentions how his "father doesn't work that way" when trying to figure out why Timber Wolf, obviously from the far reaches of space (if not time) due to speaking Interlac, was Earth. You don't have a character with space clown make-up on one eye say "frag" and then mention their father without knowing that every Lobo-lover reading the book will jump to that conclusion. It also makes sense that Lobo's daughter is called Crush when we realize his son was named Thrust. Does he name all of his kids while he's in the middle of creating them?

Apparently this series spun-off from Legion of Super-Heroes Annual #3 which makes it an even bigger mystery as to why I purchased this comic book. No, wait, we already settled that. The fetish.

Oh shit. Maybe I picked this up because I'd heard the rumor that Lobo's son appeared in Legion of Super-Heroes Annual #3 and this spun-off from that?! That would make sense if I owned Legion of Super-Heroes Annual #3. But I don't. So, never mind. Back to the fetish.

Jackass?! Now hold on a minute!

The "you're father is a piece of shit" jokes continue for a few more pages because, I guess, Lobo, even when unnamed, is way more entertaining than any characters from Legion of Super-Heroes. I probably stopped reading this book after two issues because you really need to have read the annual that led to this and probably need to know at least one or two things about the history of the Legion of Super-Heroes. The only thing I know by page 9 is that Thrust is Lobo's son, everybody thinks Lobo is a fucking joke, and Aria, Timber Wolf's companion, has a great ass.

No thanks.

Since Aria doesn't want to live a life on the run in 20th Century Earth, she convinces Timber Wolf to surrender to Thrust and his pal, Jesse. They're with a secret government organization that isn't Task Force X or Checkmate or Argus or the Department of Extranormal Operations. They run a task force called "Point Force". Jesse gets clearance to invite Timber Wolf to the team but I'm not sure it includes the woman with the terrific ass.

Um, I mean, uh, the twelve year old girl in a woman's body with the ass I've become super uncomfortable around now? Christ, DC Comics. Why the fuck do you have to keep up-aging girls and boys into super attractive adults?! No wonder Gerard Jones was so interested in working for y'all!

As Timber Wolf's about ready to join the team, he learns that Aria has been kidnapped from Jesse's office. So instead of joining, he beats the crap out of everybody within arm's reach. The whole misunderstanding leads to Jesse taking a plasma bolt in the shoulder to protect Timber Wolf so that Timber Wolf can trust him and join Point Force. So most of this issue was composed of fight scenes to set up the foundation of the series: Timber Wolf has settled in with a team comprised of Lobo's son and some other mysterious heroes not yet introduced. And the point of it all? To rescue Aria who was kidnapped right out from under their noses. So this entire mini-series could have been avoided if Timber Wolf and Aria had just decided to remain on the run instead of shacking up with this hillbilly Suicide Squad.

The issue ends on the reveal of, I guess, another team member: Captain Flag.

Yeesh. I really had forgotten how influential Lobo really was in 1992.

Captain Flag really is just Lobo with an American patriot reskin. So gross!

The Ranking!
I can't say it wasn't entertaining. It was a quick read due to over half of it being fight scenes. And I learned about Lobo's kid Thrust! How come that didn't stick in my memory? Was I too dimwitted at 21 to understand they were talking about Lobo? Did I even read this comic book back then? That's a possibility and explains why I only purchased two issues. By the time the third came out, I'd realized I hadn't read the first two off my stack and just gave up on it. Or I could have been saving them to read after all five came out but had forgotten the series existed by the time the third issue hit the shelves. Now if only Lobo had appeared in it, I would have several copies of every issue!

I want to fuck Lobo so bad!

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Action Comics Annual #4 (July 1992)

I'm sure Superman's mouth is full of milk and not Billy Batson's spunk.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Action Comics Annual #4 (July 1992)
By Dan Vado, Chris Wozniak, Karl Altstaetter, Karl Kesel, Trevor Scott, Steve Mitchell, Albert De Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Dan Thorsland and Mike Carlin

The Cover
Being an art critic is so far beyond my capabilities that I'm completely stymied by the color palette. I guess there's an abundance of purple to indicate the Eclipso possession. But why the lime green background? Maybe they're fighting in a jelly mold? I do appreciate how Superman's muscles were drawn thick with sexy veins while Billy Batson retains his "I'm from a totally different comic book company universe and actually a child in a thick, veiny man's body" flat, clear, animation-style facial features. At least the sticky white residue in Superman's mouth has kept me from pondering how he's been Eclipsed being that he's full of sunlight and Eclipso's one weakness is sunlight and also he's full of somebody's semen. Not Billy's because that would be too wrong to even consider. I guess Superman's possession was pre-explained earlier when Eclipso pointed out how his power is magical in nature and we all know how susceptible Superman is to magic for some reason. Maybe they didn't have magic on Krypton? Man. Imagine a world without close-up magicians approaching your table during dinner? What a dream!

The Story So Far
A bunch of loser super heroes have been Eclipsed because they're losers. Yes, I know Wally West was Eclipsed. The king of losers. I didn't even like Barry Allen but Wally? What a piece of shit. All of you assholes who just love Wally West to death are fucking wrong. I mean, sure, I never read Flash so it's possible I'm wrong. Not likely but possible! I only know Wally West from Justice League Europe and that guy was a fucking idiotic sex pest who shouldn't have been allowed around women. The fact Power Girl never ripped his balls off is testament to how much power the Comics Code Authority had.

Also some people have started to go missing without being Eclipsed and we have to assume that Bruce Gordon has gone Ozymandias style. Bruce Gordon is missing and so is Blue Beetle. My guess is he's grabbing up all the heroes capable of making a gigantic fake sun to shine into the crater on the moon since the real sun isn't cutting the mustard. Stupid sun. Can't even shine into a fucking crater on the side of the moon that bare asses itself to it at least once a month. I don't know how space works so I'm assuming that's how often that happens.

The Story
Since Bruce, Mona, and Blue Beetle are all missing or Eclipsed, Superman and Fire's butt have gone to recruit Mona's dad for some reason. I guess he's also a solar scientist? Is that how Bruce and Mona met? Do I even care?

Even Mona's dad doesn't give a shit and it's his world that's in danger.

Every time I type "Mona's dad", I can't help thinking "Anna Madrigal". Stupid brain! You're a man and a girl!

Superman decides to leave this man alone which is great because who the fuck is he? Why is he suddenly a character in this story?! I barely know why Mona and Bruce Gordon are in this story let alone Anna Madrigal! I mean Mona's dad! Does he piss sunshine? Does he fart solar radiation? One fact about him: he's clinically depressed. At first I thought Booster was just exaggerating but Chris Wozniak made sure to draw a bottle of pills in the background of one panel. Plus that shot of him lying in bed with his knee up and his arm thrown over his face? Classic depression pose!

Booster talks like a eugenicist and Booster is from DC's future so, um, guess what, everybody? The racists apparently won!

I don't know if Booster means "them" as in academics or as in people with no powers or what but since Booster Gold is a working class guy whose whole schtick is based on stealing his gear, I suspect it's both? He's what rich racist elite Republicans would call a "real American". Which totally explains why he's also a sexist creep (as seen in the Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Justice League America Annual and pretty much every other Justice League America issue).

Superman's plan to save Mona and the people of Crater Bay (who were all Eclipsed in whatever series the last Superman annual was in. Man of Steel? Superman? Adventures of Superman?) is to give himself to Eclipso in exchange for freeing the regular people who always let Booster Gold down. Then it's up to the Justice League to stop Superman from doing whatever Eclipso wants to do with him. It seems like a bad plan in a number of ways but the worst way is that Superman must not remember the current roster of Justice League America. Who the fuck's going to stop him? Ice? Fire? Bloodwynd? Blue Beetle? Booster Gold? Doesn't he remember these are the people who couldn't even stop Doomsday from killing him? Oh wait. I guess he hasn't learned that lesson yet.

Obviously the plan would be to call Batman and borrow his Kryptonite. But since that plan is too obviously obvious, I guess they'll drag Billy Batson out of class and remind him that he's an alternate member of the League.

Did Wozniak model this shot of Superman off the Thanksgiving Day Parade float of Supes?

I'm never going to get through a full annual if I keep scrutinizing every panel but I'm glad I am because I just noticed this tiny figure of Booster Gold in the background. You know how Booster Gold usually has no indication of genitalia? Well, well, my friends. Discover the truth!

Booster Gold has a massive schlong.

Booster Gold, Fire, and Ice decide they'd better find a way to defeat Superman before he gets himself Eclipsed for the good of a few dozen yokels (and Mona). Clark's an idiot! He might be able to negotiate a deal to save a few people for a little while. But at what cost? No, his best bet is to stay unEclipsed and help Crater Bay by defeating Eclipso. Why's he acting so dumb?!

Look, that was a rhetorical question. I know why he's acting so dumb: Dan Vado is writing this.

We, the readers, being smarter than Booster Gold, Fire, and Ice combined, know that they should contact Batman and get his help. Instead, they decide to ask Hairy Lex Luthor for some advice. He and his team have developed a Solar Trap based on Bruce Gordon's solar work. But he's not sure it will work because, um, Dan Vado is writing this, I guess? Is this the the short period of time when Lex Luthor was trying to act humble because he was supposed to be his own Australian son and he didn't want anybody realizing it by whipping out his brain-dick every time he was asked to help solve a problem? Now he's all, "Man, having hair really mellows a guy out! I'm barely angry anymore! Chicks want to fuck me and I can finally masturbate again without fear that my bionic hand will rip my manhood off!" I suppose Angry Lex could have built a solar trap that definitely works but Angry Lex was also always stressed out and screaming at people. Chill Lex can barely fucking care because he's thinking about all the puss that's going to be on his face later.

Ice contacted my dick. Did that joke work? Did it make sense? Fuck it, I'm with Chill Lex now. Who cares if shit works when you've got puss on your face!

And what I mean by puss on my face is, um, cookie crumbs. They're fucking everywhere! I probably shouldn't have learned to eat cookies from Cookie Monster.

Night falls on Crater Bay and Superman heads over to throw his (and everybody on Earth's) life away. Superman doesn't even make sure Eclipso lets the hostages go before he picks up the Black Diamond and tries to get angry. What the fuck? The whole point is to save people? Why would Eclipso let them go if Superman becomes Eclipsed first? Like I said, Clark's an idiot.

It's possible Superman's learned enough about the Black Diamond to get mad at Eclipso so that when he turns, he'll have to beat the shit out of Eclipso before Eclipso can manipulate him. But probably not because I've still got a whole pile of The Darkness Within annuals to get through. And the last Superman one has Superman Eclipsed on the cover fighting Guy Gardner and Lobo at the same time. I know! I came directly into my pants when I saw that!

Superman becomes Eclipsed but we never find out what made him so angry because Eclipso just starts manipulating him immediately. Did Dan Vado not read his editorial notes for the story? It's probably because . . . no, no. You know what? Dan Vado founded the Alternative Press Expo so I'm going to give him a free pass on this. It was probably editorial's fault anyway. I'm sure Vado was all, "Yeah but in all the other stories, the character had to enact vengeance on the thing that made them mad before Eclipso could properly control them?" And Editorial was all, "Shut up, Dan Vado. Did you read the Flash Annual? He didn't enact vengeance on anybody, did he?" And Dan Vado was all, "I don't know because I didn't read it. It hasn't been published yet. Nobody sent me the script." And Editorial was all, "You think you're so smart, don't you, Dan Vado? Well just make Superman angry and Eclipsed and we'll worry about any inconsistencies!"

Also, I'm only on page 17 so any "inconsistencies" will probably be explained away and I'll feel stupid for making this stink. Anyway, did I mention that even though Chris Wozniak has been drawing a fucking awful Superman, he does a cute Ice?

You know I think she's cute because I bypassed a dozen panels of Fire's ass to scan this panel.

It's possible Ice is cute here because the inker has changed between the terrible Superman panels and this panel. It's hard to tell because what the fuck do I know about how an inker's style changes a penciller's style?! I told you right at the beginning that I'm not an art critic! Besides, there are like eighteen inkers credited for this thing!

Meanwhile, during a scene that I'm positive was going to end in Lex Luthor and Professor Emil Hamilton fucking, Bruce Gordon's Ozymandias Plan claims two more victims. You know, the two who were definitely about to fuck: Emil and Lex.

Back in Crater Bay, Captain Marvel arrives to scold Superman and also hit him a lot. "Hey man! Golly Gee Whiz, dude! Why you being so gosh-darned mean?" They beat each other senseless for many, many pages. Neither one seems to have the upper hand even if Captain Marvel's power stems from magic and, well, that's Superman's main weakness! I guess the magic that makes Billy strong and invincible doesn't mean the strength itself is magical. At one point during the fight, I'm convinced that Captain Marvel is just Martian Manhunter disguised as Captain Marvel because, um, why would fire hurt Captain Marvel?

Is he just pretending the flames hurt so the reader feels a little bit of drama and tension during this pretty spectacularly boring battle?

The only reason I knew this couldn't be Martian Manhunter is because Martian Manhunter is pretending to be Bloodwynd right now. He's too busy to pretend to be other people.

By page 35, I begin wishing instead of discussing the story, I just went through and scanned pictures of Ice and Fire's asses. Because, oh boy, are there a lot of panels highlighting them!

I've got a pretty good idea for a coffee table book!

Yeah. I stopped caring about the story and just began scanning butts. Fucking sue me.

The Ranking!
Luthor and Hamilton's solar trap works but overheats almost immediately. So everybody in Crater Bay is saved but Superman manages to get away. And Mona is nowhere to be found. On the plus side, did you see all of those butts? I'm sure there's a moon joke to be made here but I'm way too horny to think of it. I think I just figured out what's in Superman's mouth on the cover. It's my own dried semen from 34 years ago!