Planetary #6 (November 1999)

I would be hearing The Right Stuff theme right now if I knew what it was. Probably something jazzy with a hint of white cultural appropriation? Instead I'm hearing the theme to Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Planetary #6 (November 1999)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura Depuy Martin, David Baron, and Allison Fuchs
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman

• I used to have thoughts during the day which would translate into things I'd discuss in my comic book reviews. But it's been about five years since I gave up on thinking. What did thinking ever do for me?! It's a sucker's game. That billionaire who said introspection was made up bullshit wasn't right but he may as well have been! Introspection? PTUI! I spit on it! All it's ever done for me is make me a better, more compassionate person who's still poor! So now I'm overburdened with debt and a contemplative understanding of community, existence, the universe, and my place within it? It's too much! Why should I understand Conservatives better than they understand themselves?! I'd rather have money and hot babes! It's a burden I've placed upon myself with this stupid thinking thing! Five years ago, I discovered gambling streams on Twitch and I was all, "Oh! I can watch these and not think about anything at all!" I already feel like — if not a better person — a person who absolutely understands the world. Some might call me a self-contained narcissist who thinks every thought which comes unbidden into his head must be reality because how could he have thought it if it wasn't the Absolute Truth? I may not think anymore but I'm still the smartest person that ever lived! I must be because how come I know so much without ever reading an actual book or taking a college class or asking any experts any questions about anything?! Why would I need to? It's called Wisdom and Street Smarts, buddy. Plus I do my own research¹!

• One thing I accidentally thought about the other day while I was looking for a clean sock to jerk off into was how people sometimes use the phrase, "Facts don't care about feelings.²" It's one of those phrases that belongs on a bumper sticker because it's the only time it can be consumed and thought of as Absolute Truth because the person reading it is too stressed out to contemplate it for even a second because they're trying to merge but every single person on the road believes they have to be bumper to bumper with the person in front of them, even at 80 miles per hour (or 120 kilometers per hour. Did I do the conversion correctly? I must have because why else would I think 80 MPH was equal to 120 KPH?! Remember Bullet Point #1!). But the thing about every single person who says "Facts don't care about feelings" is that they don't care about facts at all. Maybe the statement could be true if the "fact" they were talking about was actually a fact and not made-up bullshit perpetuated by the people they consider their peers. Every "fact" that comes out of a person's mouth after they say that facts don't care about your feelings isn't a fact at all. It's just something they feel should be true. Which is ironic, right? Is that irony? It's not 10,000 forks irony but it's possibly more like actual irony than that? Anyway, you know if a person says, "Facts don't care about feelings," they're about to spout a load of pure nonsense out of their feelings hole.

• This issue is called "4" because it's about The Fantastic Four. It's weird that it's Issue #6 and not Issue #4. I guess Warren Ellis is just terrible at outlines and planning.

When's the learning curve begin to steepen, Drummer? Every kid on the playground knows this shit. This is In Search Of... 101, man.

• I wonder if, being that the world of Planetary is full of fictional people in the same way that Moore's League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is, Captain Blicero from Gravity's Rainbow was one of these top scientists brought over to America? If I see any background images of a guy shoving a rocket up his ass, I'll assume it's him.

• That page with Drummer doing the mission briefing is all the reader gets. We are not privileged with whatever terrible information he imparts to Elijah and Jakita which makes Elijah so angry on the next page while he's standing outside the Fantastic Four headquarters. He's ready to tie Reed into a cute little human bowtie, snuff out Johnny via super violent swirly technology, drill Ben into dust, and, um, have tea with Sue, I guess? I don't want to imagine a man beating up a woman. She's probably cool.

• Oh, I was wrong which I was suspecting I was going to be anyway but just kept typing. The Drummer's mission briefing continues on the even pages while the mission goes ahead on the odd pages. Hopefully Ellis and Layman worked with the ad people to make sure the adverts didn't interrupt this pattern.

Oh. Um. Artemis, you say? Was the diabolical evil space program? Um. Uh. Eep.

• I understand why Warren Ellis would name the sister program to Apollo "Artemis". NASA had named their program Apollo so why not use his twin sister as the opposite? Plus, even though it's entirely inaccurate to call Artemis a moon goddess, well, thanks to the Romans, mostly, Artemis is now thought of as a moon goddess and Apollo, thanks to whatever (Romans, again, probably), a sun god. But that's not my real concern. My real concern is that the current NASA program has taken on the name of the goddess who is the protector of young girls. Especially, you know, during this administration? I mean, shooting a phallus into space to impregnate the feminized moon with men and calling the entire program the name of the Goddess who protected young girls? Stop making reality creepier than fiction by Warren Ellis, my dudes.

• Remember, kids! Artemis's first manned mission is coming up on April 1st! Maybe. It's hard to say because April 1st has a history of being the most annoying day of every year. Gonna be some crazy headlines on that day and nobody's going to know if they can believe any of them.

• Planetary's mission is to destroy the Fantastic Four because they're monsters. Just the biggest, most inhuman monsters of all time. Worse than the guy with the stupid mustache because he didn't get super powers by flying through a shitload of space radiation. Imagine if he had been bitten by a radioactive spider though? Spider-Hitler! Spider-Hitler! Does whatever a Hitler does! You know what? That's enough of that song. What am I? Slayer?

• The Fantastic Four (Wildstorm edition):
     Randall Dowling (Reed Richards): an Omniscientist (in the vernacular of Scott Lobdell) who could have been "the American Einstein if not for his background". So probably a genius serial killer.
     Jacob Greene (Ben Grimm): Pilot who flew the most Top Secret missions in World War II. Probably a big dumb serial killer.
     William Leather (Johnny Storm): Adventurer. Supposedly rode on the last journey of Nemo's Nautilus. Built sex-positive airplanes. For serial killers.
     Kim Süskind (Sue Storm-Richards): Physicist. Daughter of one of the secret Nazis (possibly Blicero?). Definitely a serial killer.

• The Fantastic Four may have been superior sounding examples of the worst people in America but it wasn't through their ability or intelligence which allowed them to become super people. It was just a bunch of nerds sending them into space as guinea pigs and random, dumb luck³.

The Fantastic Four demonstrate how the camera reacts when it's shoved up your asshole during a colonoscopy.

• The Drummer describes The Fantastic Four as "the dark side of everything" Planetary does. I'm not going to make any judgment calls on this seeing as how, as a reader, I'm supposed to buy into the conceit that the team whose name is on the cover of the book are the good guys. In the first five issues, they seem to be doing, if not any meaningful good, at least no real harm. They profess to be working on a grand agenda to make the world a better place for humanity. The Drummer points out that The Fantastic Four usurped control over the Artemis program and began using it for their own ends. And even though the Artemis program didn't seem like it was trying to be non-nefarious, the idea that four individuals are using billions of dollars for their own pet projects and whims is almost certainly worse than whatever cold war spy shit America was using Artemis for.

• The Drummer ends his briefing by pointing out that the organization has heard Elijah's complaint that the group doesn't actually do anything to make the world better. It's just gathering information and resources. So this mission to end The Fantastic Four is kind of a bone being thrown to Elijah. Here's something good they can do. Here's a way to actually make the world better. They figured out where the Four are and they believe they can end them.

Of course, it's going to be more difficult than Jakita and her arrogance can conceive.

• After six issues, that was the first time we've seen Jakita fail. I think. No wait! I don't think anymore. So it definitely was because it was the thing I thought and I don't think thoughts that are wrong because, remember, I don't think. Facts just come unbidden into my brain as they bypass all the feelings.

• The Wildstorm Fantastic Four's symbol is the numeral 4. But it's the numeral 4 if you actually wanted it to be a swastika. I'm starting to get really nervous about this manned Artemis space launch in a few days!

I would vote for Elijah Snow.

• Elijah Snow confronts William Leather after Leather throws Jakita through a window where she falls 100 floors to the ground. Elijah says, "I know that you've done more than your share of making the world mediocre" and I can't think of a harsher criticism to lay out on not just this one man but the masses at large. So many people actively making the world mediocre by constantly arguing against trying to make things better. The centrists of the world. The libertarians of the world. The Democrats of the world. I'd also list the Republicans but fuck mediocre; they want the world much, much worse. Elijah's criticizing the people who have the means to make things better and instead choose to simply make life easier for themselves. Or not even easier! Just hoarding things because they fear limited resources. Leather's response to Elijah's criticism is "My crewmates and I [are] on the human adventure. And you can't all come along." Just fucking grotesque. The antithesis of humanitarianism. Just cold-blooded narcissism.

• Anyway, Elijah kicks him in the balls.

• Elijah's tactic doesn't destroy William Leather, as he's basically a god now, but it does get him to retreat. He acts as if the retreating is a choice he's making because "letting Elijah live" is somehow the most fun option. But I think Elijah might have exploded William's scrotum and now all William can think is, "Oh god I have to see what's happening in my underpants I think it's all coming undone down there holy fuck I'm so scared!"

• William Leather acts as if he knows Elijah. He points out that everything Planetary uncovers, the Fantastic Four either already know about or are the creators of that thing. He points out that Elijah Snow's lack of memory seems awfully contrived. Has he not thought about how he doesn't remember anything and Planetary goes about uncovering things that have been forgotten? That's some shit a writer would have done when beginning a mysterious comic book. Maybe think about that, Snow!

The Ranking!
It's not as if the ball hasn't been rolling since Issue #1 but holy hell did the ball pick up speed this issue. It's all coming together nicely. Even the Monster Island issue comes more into focus after this one, being that Planetary discovered the soldiers on Monster Island worked for whatever Artemis has now become. And they found files to allow them to locate the Fantastic Four there. So now Planetary has a nemesis in Dark Planetary. It's like Nibiru! Dark Planetary also answers the question "How is all of this weird shit not known to the masses? How does it remain hidden?" Well, if you've got four gods trying to keep all the cool paranormal stuff for themselves like greedy fucking children hoarding toys, you're going to miss out on all the fun stuff. Plus it's more exciting if your book about archaeology actually has some kind of conflict other than the dirt piled on top of the stuff that needs to be dug up.


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¹ Twitch Chat, rants from Gambling Streamers, and YouTube videos with nearly 180 views constitute research, right?
² Often said as "Facts don't care about your feelings" to make it more of an insult to the person they're trying to debate who's actually just trying to go about their day unmolested by a selfish narcissist who believes in personal freedom only to the point that people give up their own personal freedom to acknowledge them constantly.
³ Good? Bad? Who's to say?

Planetary #5 (September 1999)

Planetary #5 (September 1999)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Allison Fuchs, and Laura Depuy Martin
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman

• I'm currently re-reading Cujo for the first time in nearly forty years. I wrote a Review of it several years ago based on my memories of the book. Now that I'm re-reading it, I didn't go as hard on how bad it makes you feel as I should have. I only remembered how it ended with the narrator explaining how the dog loved his man and his woman and most of all his boy and he never wanted to hurt them and he would have done anything they told him but he couldn't because of a neurological disorder called rabies. Or something. But holy fucking shit, I'm not sure I can make it through a re-read at this point in my life! I must have been a really unfeeling prick at fourteen or whenever I read it. Because now, every time King lets the reader into Cujo's head, it's fucking heartbreaking! The poor doggy! Somebody help the poor doggy! Why did you do this to the poor widdle two hundred pound puppy, King?! YOU FUCKING MONSTER!

• Man, at least the book isn't about a cat. I couldn't handle it if it were about a cat. Oh shit I hope Danielewski doesn't give the cat in The Familiar rabies or I might have to write him a thoroughly displeased tear-stained email.

• Last issue ended with Elijah Snow wandering off to find Doctor Axel Brass and his twisty baby legs. This issue begins with him finding him.

Ew. Gross.

• You might think I'm being ableist but I'm very sensitive to body horror. You should hear my terrified exclamations when I see my own penis.

• No, really. You should. As the song says, "Call me Maybe."

• Snow and Brass discuss Sparks for a bit. Ellis really likes these names that describe a character thematically. Snow is cold-hearted and aloof. Sparks is a peppy, brazen, and optimistic woman. Brass is hard, solid, and has balls.

• At least he had balls. By the look of his legs, I wouldn't expect they weren't smashed into testes jelly.

• Doc Brass spent fifty-four years trapped underground with nobody to talk to. It shows and Snow's worried about it. So he tries to distract him with video tapes.

I'm less surprised that Snow met Welles than that Snow had a girlfriend. Unless she was from Mars. Or a sentient penguin. Then I'd be all, "Oh, yeah, duh. Of course."

• Along with Jenny Sparks, Snow and Brass discuss a guy named John Cumberland. I'll assume he's from a different Wildstorm book with which I'm unfamiliar. He's dead, anyway. And he was from a parallel Earth! Looks like a Wildstorm Superman stand-in.

• One-third of this issue reads like a pulp fiction book with pictures. In these, we're introduced to Anna Hark, the daughter of China's mad genius. She would take his wealth and hide away in America inside her Hark Corporation. Are they up to no good? Did she take her father's original role of villain unto herself? We shall see!

• Snow feels like Planetary has a hidden agenda for the work they're doing and not just gathering information for the sake of it. Seems like a logical conclusion when you're dealing with a corporation that has enough money to buy whatever it needs several times over.

• Doc Brass explains that his groups secret agenda was simply to save the world from itself. But since his group died in 1945 and it's now 1999, he's realizing the arrogance of their belief. Selfish people will make the world a terrible place. But compassionate people will always stand up to the selfish. If not for Doc Brass and his Seven Soldiers, it would have been somebody else. Currently, it's The Authority. Possibly, it could be Planetary.

Most of my favorite panels are when characters are relaxed and engaging in quiet speculation.


It's probably why I despise so much of the world today. Too many people don't know how to engage with a quiet moment of introspection.


They just can't put down the Constant Stimulation Device.

• Brass mentions that he wishes Snow had been around to join them. Snow's response is enigmatic and probably worth paying attention to. I'm sure he was, um, just sucking and fucking all over the place and not helping to build a massive paranormal knowledge gathering organization at all!

I have never said this in my entire life.

The Ranking!
Here's an old poem I wrote which concerns that last panel:

"I'd love to stay and chat some more, but I've a little business to take care of"
is a thing I've never said myself,
for I have no business to speak of,
and I have no love for chat.

If you were there, and I was too
(enervated by social obligation),
I would merely stand and say,
"I must be going, my cat's at home, and I think I need a nap."

Anyway, great comic, blah blah, you should read it and shit!

Planetary #4 (July 1999)

This guy droppin' star-shaped confetti like he's a letter from my mother¹.

Planetary #4 (July 1999)
by Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Alison Fuchs, and Laura Depuy Martin
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman

• Reading is way easier than writing. And watching television isn't all that much easier than reading. I think what I'm trying to say is I should be watching television.

• One of the early college "things smart people know" bit that would enrage me was when people would spout the idea that reading was active and watching television was passive as if they had just spoke aloud the Holy Word of God. But, you know, reading is, um, passive? Writing is active. Watching television is just more passive than reading because you often don't pause to think about it. You watch one program, get snacks during the commercial, and then dive into the next program without processing the previous show. It's why binging shows makes them harder to remember than when you watched one episode per week and actually thought about it and talked about it with friends prior to the next episode. You did some "active" work on it. Movies are less passive than television because you often see them in a group and then discuss them after, even if it's just as you're walking back to the lobby or going to piss or on the drive home. Reading is the least passive and often seems active because you can stop at any fucking moment and think about Frodo's cock or Tom Joad's cock or Clifford the Big Red Dog's Big Red Lipstick.

• Why am I discussing this? Fuck if I know. I'm just being, um, active! Oh! You know what's super passive because it's almost no better than napping in the long run? Playing video games! Obviously there's a massive spectrum here. I don't mean to imply that Zork is as passive as Candy Crush! At least in one of those, you get to murder thieves and steal tons of shit.

Reading comic books is the most passive activity there is next to falling into a coma!

• Can you imagine Satan farting? Me neither! Because first I'd have to imagine God. And then I'd have to imagine God farting. And then I'd have to imagine a war among the angels. And then I'd have to imagine Satan. And then I'd have to imagine Satan stuffing a spicy burrito down his throat. And then maybe I'd imagine Satan farting.

• Oh, by the way, reading is a way, way, way, way, ++way better activity than nearly any other activity in the world. At least for becoming a better, more rounded, kinder, smarter person. It's not better for orgasms though.²

• The building which blew up in a way described by Mr. Neumeier there as "Satan farting" was a Hark Corporation building. You might remember the name Hark from Planetary #1 where he was a guy whom I thought might have been Fu Manchu. I believe he was the brains behind the quantum computer? I probably would know that for sure but I'm not one of those people who tasks themselves with "remembering stuff". That's for, like, butlers and servants!

• A man named Mr. Wilder is investigating the building's collapse. He hints that it wasn't a Hark Operation and it wasn't an enemy of the Hark Corporation (as, he points out, they have no enemies⁴). But it was probably one of those since why would the guy investigating the disaster tell a person he was questioning what really happened? He's probably just questioning the guy to make sure he didn't actually see what happened.⁵

See?! He was totally lying!

• I realize in our common parlance (given to us in so many ways by white nationalists and pedophiles who decided reality needed to be more like the bog-pits of 4Chan), "Snowflake" means somebody who takes offense at any little thing (you know, like a MAGA, Christian, or Bill Maher). But I suspect that in this instance, the Snowflake represents the way somebody might picture a multiverse. So the terrorist operation "Snowflake" is probably just the quantum computer that Hark developed back in the '40s.

• Ground Zero of the place where the Hark Corporation building was basically vaporized in a fit of demon flatulence has been covered up as Planetary and a horde of Hazmat-suited individuals investigate the disaster.

• The reader discovers Planetary is there when Mr. Wilder chases a mugger down into the rubble and leaps onto what is probably the cause of the trouble: an ancient looking sacrificial stone altar covered in the meat of dead humans⁶.

And which is also a transdimensional portal of some kind.

• It's normal to keep getting this series confused with my memories of The Authority, right?!

• I feel like Planetary was just Warren Ellis thinking, "What if The Authority but less decapitations and spines being yanked out of bodies?"

• The "living plinth" (as Jakita describes it) refuses to transport The Drummer as he jumps up and down on it. But it does return Mr. Wilder only a few moments later. It's apparent, from the scar on his chest, that he was gone for much longer, as much time as it takes, I'm guessing, to remove all of his organs and fill him up with alien nanotechnology.

• Mr. Wilder is relocated to some mountain retreat where Doc Brass is undergoing physical rehabilitation for his scrawny fucked-up legs. I think it's also the tuberculosis hospital where Doc Holliday died. But that's, um, just a guess based on my own proclivities, delusions, and desires.

I should probably scan and collate and file and other organizing terms⁷ every panel where Jakita, Elijah, or The Drummer attempt to explain Planetary.

• Mr. Wilder tells the story of his abduction: he wound up on a European shiftship whose crew died on impact (with what? I don't know!). So I guess that bit about confusing The Authority with Planetary just became more confusing! I know, I know. They're all Wildstorm Universe titles so they share history. But, I mean, I just said that thing earlier! Probably because I was pre-remembering this moment and the "A-ha!" echoing down from my previous reads of this series.

• Warren Ellis explains to the reader what Mr. Wilder explains to Planetary what the shiftship explained to him.

See? I probably pre-remembered⁸ that Snowflake thing too.

• Apparently, this shiftship killed the dinosaurs. Science and the discovery of the Chicxulub crater be damned!

• I'm making an ass out of me and John Cassaday since I'm assuming the picture of the shiftship slamming into Earth with all the dinosaurs watching on is hinting at that global extinction.

• Mr. Wilder promised the shiftship that he would help it get home. But he needs six other people to volunteer to go through what he went through since it needs seven people to fly it.

• Jakita is all, "We don't do shit, dude. Planetary just watches and takes, man!" But Elijah is all, "Look, I'm the secret 4th Man running this thing even though nobody knows it yet (even me!). But I'll pay for whatever you need and we'll make sure this shiftship gets home!" Then The Drummer winks at Jakita and Jakita makes jerk-off motions behind Elijah's back.

The Ranking!
This issue gives readers a littl tease to how Planetary fits into the Wildstorm Universe while also maintaining a secret presence. Also we learn that Hark (or his descendants) run a powerful computer corporation which might be important later. Also we saw Doc Brass still under the auspices of Planetary. Since Elijah wandered off to speak with him, next issue should be a little more about how he'll fit in. Plus he's on the cover of Issue #5. All in all, I give this issue a ranking of Infinite Snowflakes out of Infinite Snowflakes!




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¹ Oh shit. I should probably call my mom! BRB!
² Unless you're reading Penthouse Letters³, of course.
³ I almost said Penthouse Forum but that magazine featured a ton of feminist writings which, while I might agree with them, weren't necessarily pro-boner.
⁴ Other than the "Justice Department and anyone else paranoid about computer software monopolies." So they, um, do have enemies then?
⁵ Wait. Was it actually Satan farting?!
⁶ Possibly just fungus or interdimensional coral. It's kind of hard to tell.
⁷ Laminate?
⁸ Look, I know pre-remembered is just remembered! Just fucking calm down, man. Enjoy life!

Planetary #3 (June 1999)

Is this issue about how every Hong Kong action film actually happened?

Planetary #3 (June 1999)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura Depuy Martin, and Allison Fuchs
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman

• You can see the cover as well as I can so I suppose that the first statement I'm going to make isn't really going out on an intellectual limb but here we go anyway: I think I remember this issue was about a ghost cop!

• Now I feel like Obi Wan Kenobi in Star Wars because I'm pretty sure I just felt the collective snort of millions of nerds deriding me in unison.

• I mean dozens of nerds.

• Okay, fine. Three.

• The story does take place in Hong Kong. The story is a love letter to Hong Kong action films. The cop is a ghost.

But his bullets are quite real.

• The entire story is made up of the cinematic wide screen panel style. Like The Authority used.

• The style of the first several pages of the book really makes it feel like a Hong Kong action film has been condensed down into a comic book format. The cover does a great job conveying the concept. You really know at first glance what this issue's going to be about.

• When Planetary shows up in the comic, we see they're watching this ghost cop kill the gang members. The comic opens back up into regular panels as we observe them observing what is, essentially, a movie.

Do any Americans born in the 21st Century have any context for The Weekly World News? I mean, sure, they can read about it on Wikipedia. But they don't know, man. They just don't know!

• The amount of times I checked out at a grocery store as a teenager with just a pop or a pint of ice cream and just had to grab a copy of The Weekly World News because Batboy was back or somebody had new photos of the Loch Ness Monster or some woman in Kansas had fucked a Skunk Ape. It really was exactly what you'd create if somebody's pitch for a American tabloid were "Charles Fort but, you know, American!"

• This issue we meet Shinya Fukuda's Hong Kong counterpart: Michelle. She's a 22 year old young woman who began the job six years previously, a statistic which boggles the minds of the field team (you know, Elijah, Jakita, and The Drummer (well, maybe not The Drummer. Other stuff boggles his mind like being normal and not being weird)).

• Oh! I just thought of something else I have in common with The Drummer! My main in Apex is Lifeline! Um, that means I constantly run around in-game smacking things with my drumsticks!

See? Real bullets and real guns! I'm as perceptive as Elijah Snow!

• I know those two panels of the Planetary team were also in widescreen, cinematic, Authority style but that's just a coincidence, I assure you! Sometimes panels are going to be as wide as the page. But not all of them which is how you know we're not in the Hong Kong movie but actually in the reality of the comic book. Like how when the page has nine equally-sized rectangles, you know Keith Giffen has drawn it.¹

• It turns out this isn't the first ghost of a Hong Kong cop betrayed and back to seek vengeance. It seems that there's always a betrayed Hong Kong ghost killing violent criminals on the street. A sort of Hong Kong cinéma vérité for the paranormal ilk.²

• Michelle takes the field team out into the field to show them where the current Ghost Cop was executed by The Triad. While investigating³, Planetary turns up a clue.

A massive fucking clue that's also an enigma and a mystery and a sausage roll and, well, um — according to Ghost Cop — God.

• So God is just a massive blue container full of naked men? Awesome.

• Be right back. I'm converting to which monotheistic religion worships that thing.

• Ghost Cop mentions this thing has more than one hundred thousand different angles. So I'm guessing Planetary (and us, the comic book readers) are only seeing a piece of the whole. And since it's a blue container full of little guys, is it possible we're looking at God's nutsack?

• Ghost Cop, a man who was named Shek Chi-Wai, explains that he's a little bit Batman and a little bit The Spectre. He wanted to be a cop to stop bad people from hurting good people (or, maybe, realistically, less bad people). He was brought back as a ghost to perform an act of vengeance on the man who killed him. See? Bat-Spectre.

• Ghost Cop also has a message about the afterlife which is actually more a comment on life and comes pretty close to matching my whole reason for being a compassionate humanitarian pacifist⁴ (as opposed to Ghost Cop who is a compassionate humanitarian spirit of vengeance):

It's that simple, man. Listen to the ghost dude. Except maybe for the part about being your own judge and jury and spirt of vengeance. That's ghost business, man.

• The issue ends with a "just us" versus "justice" moment. I don't know if Warren Ellis was the first to use it (probably not. That was probably Shakespeare! Or Milton! It would have been perfect for Milton. He had to have done it, right?!) but he uses it so well here as a tag for Ghost Cop and his philosophy of life and afterlife that I doubt it's been done better since, no matter how much of a trope it's become.

Chef's Oral Sex!⁵

The Ranking!
Five out of Five Chef's Rimming Each Other! Man, I know Siskel and Ebert were successful with their two thumbs up but just think if they'd thought up the Chefs Having Sex Movie Rating System?! I bet they'd both still be alive right now!




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¹ I don't think the conclusion I drew from that bullet point was scientific. Or logical, even.
² Does that make sense? I don't think that makes sense. But it does make feel sense.²
³ "Investigating" meaning The Drummer banging on the ground with his drumsticks while Jakita stands nearby stomping up and down on the ground.
⁴ My credo, in case you haven't read it before: "I am here. You are there. So many others in-between. In all the infinite vastness of time and space, how highly improbable that we should ever have met. It seems beyond all bounds of decency that we should fight, against the very will of the universe that we should treat each other poorly, truly the antithesis of reason that we should make each other miserable. We should laugh and we should embrace and we should grow more familiar with each other's oddities and differences and the rare and brief moments where we seem to have been created one for the other. And yet we were not which only makes our brief liaison in the unending bounds of time and space even more unlikely. We owe it to chance and improbability and random, stupid luck to be kind to each other."
⁵ That's five ranks (or two bases) better than a Chef's Kiss.