TFW you realize you accidentally made Deadman's balls the focal point of the piece and you smash your iPad in frustration.
Last issue, we learned Deadman was dead. But we also learned that he used the name Deadman in his circus act. Maybe it was more apt then because he wasn't actually dead. Being dead and being called Deadman is what writers call a "hat on a hat." That's supposed to be a bad thing but I think a hat on a hat is funny. Although this comic book isn't funny. Or is it? Maybe I've been reading it like a supernatural horror thriller but it's actually a rollicking roller coaster ride of slapstick and snide observations and also a dwarf (but that's only for people who laugh at things that aren't actually funny because they think humor is just being mean-spirited. You know, like bullies on playgrounds and conservatives). I've been reading this as if Boston Brand were Colin Farrell dealing with the existential horror of having murdered a child while being forced to look at Bosch paintings instead of what the character really is: Chandler Bing wandering around an open house and touching everything with his dick.
See? This is too stupid and obvious to be profound. So it must be funny! Ha ha!
That was the opening line to this issue and I jumped down its throat before it even got a chance to expound on what it meant. That's because I'm a schoolyard bully with low self-esteem (but not a conservative because I have dignity and compassion and empathy and all the other emotions that make me human and not a nearly empty vessel whose only contents are a bit of essence that the French call "being a fucking jerk"). I'm sure Deadman will follow up this trite statement with a discussion on people who commit suicide. He'll be all, "They're so brave! But also so cowardly! How can they fear to continue life but be brave enough to face the mystery of death?! It's such a conundrum. Should we celebrate their bold spirit and adventuresome ways? Or should we use the opportunity to point at other depressed people and go, 'Don't be like stupid, stupid!'?"
No wait! I bet he's going to talk about daredevils! Yeah, that would be more apt to this comic book and way more funny than a discussion on suicide! Man, who would bring that up in a piece of entertainment? An idiot, that's who!
No wait! I bet he's going to talk about daredevils! Yeah, that would be more apt to this comic book and way more funny than a discussion on suicide! Man, who would bring that up in a piece of entertainment? An idiot, that's who!
Ha ha! He's being sarcastic! Right? Isn't he?
I don't know what this comic book wants from me! Am I supposed to be having fun or am I supposed to be verging on a panic attack with all this discussion of my failing mortal body and what's in store for me? A long slide into misery and pain until death is the only thing I look forward to?! Jesus Christ, Vance! Hopefully Max does a little tap dance on page two so I can bust a gut laughing at the antics of the d...um...detective!
What Deadman is trying to say is that death is scary until life has become even scarier and then death is the only friend you'll have left. Especially since all of your other friends have stopped talking to you because you make them uncomfortable. Oh fucking Christ I'm the worst friend.
Boston's having all of these existential thoughts because he was just inside of a body that was torn apart by a bomb at point blank range. So he's all, "Yeah, that sucked." But at least he didn't die like the guy he possessed died! Imagine that? That guy didn't even get to experience his own death because Deadman subsumed his consciousness! Technically, the guy died the moment Boston Brand possessed him because that was the end of his personality and free will and choices and thoughts. He just went to sleep and the next thing you know, he was being blown apart. Hopefully he never regained consciousness as he died because imagine how confusing that would have been!
What Deadman is trying to say is that death is scary until life has become even scarier and then death is the only friend you'll have left. Especially since all of your other friends have stopped talking to you because you make them uncomfortable. Oh fucking Christ I'm the worst friend.
Boston's having all of these existential thoughts because he was just inside of a body that was torn apart by a bomb at point blank range. So he's all, "Yeah, that sucked." But at least he didn't die like the guy he possessed died! Imagine that? That guy didn't even get to experience his own death because Deadman subsumed his consciousness! Technically, the guy died the moment Boston Brand possessed him because that was the end of his personality and free will and choices and thoughts. He just went to sleep and the next thing you know, he was being blown apart. Hopefully he never regained consciousness as he died because imagine how confusing that would have been!
Oh yeah! I forgot this was a fictional world where people can have thoughts after they die. He gets to be scared and confused anyway!
I don't mind being an atheist in a world of believers. The only thing that rankles me even a little bit is that believers will never know they were wrong because they die and then no more thoughts. They don't even get a moment like this guy where they're all, "Oh shit! I died! And now my ego goes back to the oblivion of the time before I was born!" Of course, on the really fucking off chance that I'm wrong, Satan will be annoyed forever because there won't be an endless torture that can destroy the glee I'll have for realizing that my personality and ego get to exist for eternity! When I'm not being force-fed my own flaming shit, I'll be whistling the most jaunty tunes and trying to high five the demons farming the flaming shit out of my burning asshole. "Dude! I still exist! Fucking incredible!" Then to shut me up, a demon will probably shove his fat sweaty hog into my mouth and I'll wink at him and he'll think, "Shit. We got another one that can't get enough demon semen."
I bet it tastes like spicy pineapple!
Max survived the blast by hiding behind a bed which seems completely realistic because this is a comic book about a ghost. Also he's a small guy so he had less chance to get hit by shrapnel. Is that how explosions work? Did they ever test that on Mythbusters? Could a smaller guy survive a bomb blast better than a larger guy?
Boston and Max flee the scene of the murder (let's face it: they totally murdered that guy) so they don't have to answer to the cops because we all know the real bad guys are the cops, amirite?! Especially since this is a detective story. Way before all the fucking copaganda shows on television, the American people understood cops were corrupt assholes and if you wanted justice, you needed a hard-boiled detective on the case or a noble lawyer like Perry Mason. I wonder how many conservatives despise that they have to virtue signal their love for cops when they personally fucking hate them so badly? It's got to be like 80 or 90 percent, right? Man, cops fucking suck.
Before the guy blew up, he mentioned a name: Frankie Serna. Time to investigate that prick!
I bet it tastes like spicy pineapple!
Max survived the blast by hiding behind a bed which seems completely realistic because this is a comic book about a ghost. Also he's a small guy so he had less chance to get hit by shrapnel. Is that how explosions work? Did they ever test that on Mythbusters? Could a smaller guy survive a bomb blast better than a larger guy?
Boston and Max flee the scene of the murder (let's face it: they totally murdered that guy) so they don't have to answer to the cops because we all know the real bad guys are the cops, amirite?! Especially since this is a detective story. Way before all the fucking copaganda shows on television, the American people understood cops were corrupt assholes and if you wanted justice, you needed a hard-boiled detective on the case or a noble lawyer like Perry Mason. I wonder how many conservatives despise that they have to virtue signal their love for cops when they personally fucking hate them so badly? It's got to be like 80 or 90 percent, right? Man, cops fucking suck.
Before the guy blew up, he mentioned a name: Frankie Serna. Time to investigate that prick!
No, you saw him in Crusades when his name was Tony Quetone.
Deadman doesn't learn anything he expected to learn from visiting Frankie. He thought maybe he'd find out why Frankie would have a bomb and cash smuggled into the country in the fake legs of a circus performer's corpse. But Frankie doesn't helpfully reveal any of that and, I suspect, he'll never reveal it at all! Because what Deadman does learn is that he can't possess Frankie which could only mean one thing (I mean one thing that means anything to this comic book): Frankie is from Nanda Parbat! He's one of the thirteen or more ghosts of Scooby-Deadman! So now it doesn't matter what Frankie was up to because it's Deadman's responsibility to bring him to justice for just generally being an evil prick.
Deadman haunts Frankie's plane as he takes a trip to North Africa. Couldn't Frankie had made this trip on his private plane to pick up the cash and explosive himself? Or at least sent some men to do it? Why smuggle shit into the country in the corpse of some guy who died from a virulent disease? Oh! Don't mind how stupid I am. I just realized why he did all that. Who's going to look too closely at a corpse full of some deadly raging virus? You might follow this answer up with the question, "But why $10,000 cash? Way easier ways to smuggle that into America. I mean, do you even have to smuggle it?" But then you forgot about the package that blew up Deadman! The cash was probably an incentive to get some schlubs to dig up the body and retrieve the package. And the explosive was probably to protect the package in case it fell into the wrong hands. So the only real question left is this: what the fuck was Frankie trying to smuggle into America from Egypt? Well, there's only one sensible answer to that: Tutankhamun's penis. Obvs.
Deadman haunts Frankie's plane as he takes a trip to North Africa. Couldn't Frankie had made this trip on his private plane to pick up the cash and explosive himself? Or at least sent some men to do it? Why smuggle shit into the country in the corpse of some guy who died from a virulent disease? Oh! Don't mind how stupid I am. I just realized why he did all that. Who's going to look too closely at a corpse full of some deadly raging virus? You might follow this answer up with the question, "But why $10,000 cash? Way easier ways to smuggle that into America. I mean, do you even have to smuggle it?" But then you forgot about the package that blew up Deadman! The cash was probably an incentive to get some schlubs to dig up the body and retrieve the package. And the explosive was probably to protect the package in case it fell into the wrong hands. So the only real question left is this: what the fuck was Frankie trying to smuggle into America from Egypt? Well, there's only one sensible answer to that: Tutankhamun's penis. Obvs.
It's a conspiracy of Nanda Parbatans!
I can't wait to find out how Tutankhamun's penis fits into all of this!
That was a purposeful penetration joke. You don't have to respond in the comments with your more obvious one!
Duroc has brought together more Nanda Parbatans than just Frankie Serna: Dala, Zeta, Liu, and Adham. All aliases or sobriquets. That's probably because DC didn't want to introduce historical evil people into the comic book but still wanted to hint that these were all actual evil people. You can tell by how often I'm constantly repeating it, I don't know anything about history. Please list some evil historical figures in the comments and I'll steal them, re-edit this piece, and pretend I knew who these fictional characters were actual representations of.
Duroc explains his history and his plans. It's all handily laid out on one page so that I don't have to interpret it though my lens of lying, bullshit, and misunderstandings!
That was a purposeful penetration joke. You don't have to respond in the comments with your more obvious one!
Duroc has brought together more Nanda Parbatans than just Frankie Serna: Dala, Zeta, Liu, and Adham. All aliases or sobriquets. That's probably because DC didn't want to introduce historical evil people into the comic book but still wanted to hint that these were all actual evil people. You can tell by how often I'm constantly repeating it, I don't know anything about history. Please list some evil historical figures in the comments and I'll steal them, re-edit this piece, and pretend I knew who these fictional characters were actual representations of.
Duroc explains his history and his plans. It's all handily laid out on one page so that I don't have to interpret it though my lens of lying, bullshit, and misunderstandings!
Duroc wants to turn the world into a Battle Royale.
I didn't italicize Battle Royale because it's become more than just the Japanese movie. It's basically the biggest form of social gaming right now. And, yes, I'm talking more about blocking people on Twitter than killing people in Fortnite. Ha ha! No I'm not. I meant the games.
As a really annoying young man who read too many National Geographic magazines, I had a major boner for Bonaparte. One time in Spanish class, we had to present facts about ourselves. One of mine was, "Yo quiero dominar todo el mundo." My teacher was all, "¿Como Hitler?" And I was all, "Como Napoleon." And he was all, "¿Cual es el diferencia?" And I was all, "¡Más diferencia!" Remember that thing I said about not being great at history? You can extrapolate that to my grasp of Spanish as well.
Duroc explains himself to his fellow Nanda Parbatans with a quote.
As a really annoying young man who read too many National Geographic magazines, I had a major boner for Bonaparte. One time in Spanish class, we had to present facts about ourselves. One of mine was, "Yo quiero dominar todo el mundo." My teacher was all, "¿Como Hitler?" And I was all, "Como Napoleon." And he was all, "¿Cual es el diferencia?" And I was all, "¡Más diferencia!" Remember that thing I said about not being great at history? You can extrapolate that to my grasp of Spanish as well.
Duroc explains himself to his fellow Nanda Parbatans with a quote.
Take that, Neoliberals!
I'm not getting behind a quote and saying, "Yes! This makes sense of the world! It is now my foundational philosophy!" Because fuck that kind of rigid garbage thinking. But I will point out that this quote sums up just about every forum debate on the Internet between a "reasonable" liberal and an "unreasonable" progressive. Liberals are so smug in their arguments that basically come down to "Stop expecting the world to be better. Let's just try to keep it from getting too much worse." And the progressives are all, "Fuck that noise, you Status Quo motherfucker. Just because you're comfortable, you're okay with suffering on the fringes." And, sure, keeping the Status Quo is way better than every belief of a conservative American. But why get so fucking angry at people who demand a better world? Why are they always so much angrier at leftists than at Trumpers? Calm down, you Status Quotians! Maybe stop assuming everybody who just wants Israel to stop killing every Palestinian they can get in their sights are "HAMAS dick suckers"! Yeesh. What a bad look, dude.
Turns out Duroc has invented a drug that makes people violent and paranoid. It's absorbed through the skin and it was covering the paper on the explosive packages he sent out to everybody. I don't know what that plan was meant to do. "Oh look! The package I was sent by Duroc! Let's see what's in it. Oh, oh! Why am I so angry and paranoid?!" BOOM! And then Duroc meets with, um, nobody? Terrible fucking plan.
Duroc found all these Nanda Parbatans because he's the oldest of the residents of Nanda Parbat and he's super smart. So now he has a book with all the names and the current locations of every evil resident of Nanda Parbat. That would be really useful for a character whose main plot in the series is to capture every escaped resident of Nanda Parbat! But only if the series were to go longer than nine issues. So, basically, who the fuck cares if Boston Brand gets his hands on it.
Frankie Serna tries to betray Duroc by stealing the Battle Royale drug. But his men wind up contaminated by it and wind up breaking Serna's neck as they die from bullet holes caused by bullets out of Serna's gun. Deadman stands back aghast, both at the display of violence and at Duroc's plan, already in motion!
Turns out Duroc has invented a drug that makes people violent and paranoid. It's absorbed through the skin and it was covering the paper on the explosive packages he sent out to everybody. I don't know what that plan was meant to do. "Oh look! The package I was sent by Duroc! Let's see what's in it. Oh, oh! Why am I so angry and paranoid?!" BOOM! And then Duroc meets with, um, nobody? Terrible fucking plan.
Duroc found all these Nanda Parbatans because he's the oldest of the residents of Nanda Parbat and he's super smart. So now he has a book with all the names and the current locations of every evil resident of Nanda Parbat. That would be really useful for a character whose main plot in the series is to capture every escaped resident of Nanda Parbat! But only if the series were to go longer than nine issues. So, basically, who the fuck cares if Boston Brand gets his hands on it.
Frankie Serna tries to betray Duroc by stealing the Battle Royale drug. But his men wind up contaminated by it and wind up breaking Serna's neck as they die from bullet holes caused by bullets out of Serna's gun. Deadman stands back aghast, both at the display of violence and at Duroc's plan, already in motion!
Oh no! Hollywood is about to burn down!
Deadman #2 Rating: B+. Oh man. Sorry for that last caption. I meant it as a funny joke about how writers and directors are probably the biggest coke heads. But since Hollywood is actually pretty much burning down right now, it sounds like it was in really bad taste. Maybe I should have left it without saying anything because most people will probably eventually read this post in the future, out of context for the Los Angeles fires! Too bad I also suffer from the biggest flaw of everybody on the Internet: the inability to delete comments! I'm just going to double down here in the wrap-up and guess that most people won't be too upset because I just explained to them that the joke wasn't meant to be offensive! See? All good! No reasonable person will be upset at me! But all the people who want a better world might be!
I just realized that if the Battle Royale drug did take effect in Hollywood because that's where most of the coke is snorted (I mean other than Wall Street and Washington, DC), it would look just like Fortnite! A guy in an Elmo costume would be shooting the shit out of a guy in a Spider-man costume as a guy in the Bruce Lee Kill Bill outfit does the fucking Running Man in the background.
I just realized that if the Battle Royale drug did take effect in Hollywood because that's where most of the coke is snorted (I mean other than Wall Street and Washington, DC), it would look just like Fortnite! A guy in an Elmo costume would be shooting the shit out of a guy in a Spider-man costume as a guy in the Bruce Lee Kill Bill outfit does the fucking Running Man in the background.
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