Saturday, February 11, 2012

Catwoman #1

Here is Catwoman. Her super power is being sexy and acting like a cat. Gotham is really just a town full of Furries. Or Otherkin. You know, there are probably quite a few Plushies as well, like the Ventriloquist.

This is the second comic series of the 52 that has a Teen Plus rating. Batwoman was the other title. So if the title of your comic has 'woman' in it, you're going to have to have a Teen Plus rating. That's because no matter how many heads get chopped off in Batwing or no matter how many brains get blown out in Batman and Robin, the real danger to our youth is sexual women. What a bunch of bullshit, DC. If the ratings actually meant anything, I'd actually feel compelled to care. Maybe write a strongly worded missive. But I'm willing to bet that almost nobody even looks at the stupid ratings on the comics.

Here's an aside that probably doesn't belong in a discussion of comic books but it fits in with this ridiculous rating system: You do know why conservative politicians try to outlaw abortion while at the same time trying to suppress birth control for minors even though that's the best way to prevent pregnancies AND abortions? It's because sexual women scare them. Not scare them in the way that Freddy Krueger might scare them. But they just can't deal with it. A sexual woman is a powerful woman. I'm not saying all powerful women have to be sexual. Although that'd be cool! But no matter how much a conservative person might think they believe in the equality of the sexes (and probably quite a few liberal ones as well!), they still can't quite grasp a woman who is on equal footing with a man in the bedroom. How come women can never be studs in the mainstream world? They just go right from virgin to slut. Women will never truly be equal until their sexuality is thought of in the same way that male sexuality is thought of.

And women need to learn this as well! I'm not letting them off the hook. Women are some of the worst offenders at labeling other women sluts or tramps or whores. Seriously, people. Knock it off and grow up.

Before I start reading Catwoman, let me repeat one more time because this is important to really note: DC has comics where people are being decapitated, dismembered, shot in the face (AND ALL OF THIS DEPICTED ON-PANEL!) and these comics are rated TEEN. Batwoman depicts a lesbian having sex with no nudity and not graphic in the least and the comic gets a TEEN PLUS. I haven't read Catwoman yet but she doesn't kill. She's a burglar. I can only imagine the TEEN PLUS is because she's sexual.

Wake up, America. Get a fucking clue. Violence is bad. Sex is not bad. Get it? No, you never will.

Teen Plus

Merely Teen

And now on to Catwoman! Mrowr!

This is my rendering of the first page of Catwoman:

And because after that, I know everyone will want to see what it really looks like without having to do all of that web image searching garbage:

I wasn't sure if I should blame Judd Winnick for Vendor being spelled incorrectly or if I should blame Sal Cipriano, the letterer. And then I decided I should just blame the editors, Rickey Purdin and Rachel Gluckstern, for not doing their jobs! I guess it's hard to notice the words when all those boobs are vying for your attention.

You know what? I'm not posting any more softcore porn for you hard-up nerds! But I am going to draw all the sexy Catwoman scenes for you! Get out the lotion and the socks, laddies, because it's Psexy Ptime! (Psexy Ptime with 'P's because it isn't really very sexy at all.)

So first off, Catwoman is running away from some guys whom she stole from and they learned where she lives.

That isn't her piddling! That's the corner of the hallway and ricocheting bullets! I hope I get better at this!

On page 3, right after that last panel I drew, she jumps backwards out of a window. Unless she jumped out head first and spun around immediately. But I think she turned around after running down the hall and leapt out backwards. Probably because she does this a lot and her mask wasn't all the way on but it was on enough to protect the back of her head.

Is every page going to be sexy?

Catwoman's apartment blows up and she needs a job and a place to stay. So she hangs out at a Russian Mafia party tending bar and eavesdropping on the Russians who assume women can't speak Russian. And then she sees a guy who apparently killed a girl she knew while she watched. And the comic book does get a little violent!

So DC could use the excuse that it's the sex and the violence that puts it in the Teen Plus range. And Batwoman's sidekick does get nearly eviscerated in parallel panels with Batwoman getting laid. So they can point to those things, possibly, to justify a different rating. But Batman has sex in his comic. Although Clark doesn't get any in his comic. Ha ha! It's still mostly probably almost totally because of sexism though.

But enough of that sexism crap! It doesn't even matter because the Ratings are just bullshit labels to keep the government off their back! "Hey look! We're morally policing ourselves so you don't have to!" How do you even keep from selling comics to people who aren't old enough? What teen under sixteen has an ID with an age on it? Military kids, maybe, and that's about it! I'm going to ask my comic book store owner about the ratings next time I stop by. I'll report back what he says in some other random comic reading!

So Catwoman takes off to the penthouse apartment she's crashing in after getting some info about a painting that could be worth her time stealing. And Batman shows up at the apartment.

He claims to be there checking up on her because he heard that her apartment blew up. But we know why he's really there. She's vulnerable and almost definitely going to seduce him. He is the Great Bat Detective! He knows exactly what he's doing!

Catwoman thinks he protests and then gives in. It's all show! It's the perfect fuck buddy for Batman! She doesn't know who he is or how to find him so it can't get too complicated! But then, that's what guys always think. Guys always think some arrangement can be made where you can fuck a chick with no strings attached and remain free to do what you want. Forget what I said about Batman knowing what he's doing!

Batman must be pretty desperate! He even lets Catwoman remove his utility belt herself! Dude! She's a major thief! You probably just lost half your gadgets! I can't wait until Batman ends up somewhere while The White Rabbit and Catwoman and Vicki Vale and Wendy Charlotte all end up in the same place with him and Bruce Wayne too!

Yeah. So it ends with Catwoman on top of Batman and Catwoman saying something about "Still, it doesn't take long" and I'm not going to scan any of these pictures nor am I going to draw any of them. You know how Bing and Google work!

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