Friday, February 10, 2012

Batwing #1

Yes! A comic book about Batman's plane! This comic must be pretty exciting. Except it's not on the cover! How can a comic's main character not be on the cover? Stupid comic book. Maybe that guy with the bat symbol is Batwing. But who is he? Does he have to pay Batman for franchising rights?

I wonder why he's in Egypt. Is he Egyptian? Is this the Batman, Incorporated Franchise for Cairo? I hope he fights a mummy!

Batwing begins his glorious African adventures fighting some guy named Massacre! Oh my goodness! That sounds terrible!

From now on, I want more comics to explain to me why heroes and villains have chosen the names they have. Do they just pick what sounds cool like they're forming a band?

THUG #1: "Hmmm. I want to be a total badass. And I want everyone to know I'm so evil and mean that I'll kill them if they don't watch out! I think I'll name myself Genocide!"
THUG #2: "Whoa, whoa, bro! You're not causing some Cosmic Crisis here! Tone it down a bit!"
THUG #1: "But Genocide is good? If I were causing a Cosmic Crisis, I would choose Extinctulator! I think I'll go with Genocide!"
THUG #2: "But Genocide sounds like you're limiting yourself! Trying to wipe out one group of people. You want all groups to fear you!"
THUG #1: "Hmm, you're right. How about, um, Massacre?"
THUG #2: "Yes. DUDE. YES!"
THUGS #1 & #2: Fist bump explosion!

And Batwing probably thought up his name when applying for the Franchise with Batman.

Batwing: "How do you like The Black Bat?"
Batman: "No."
Batwing: "How about The Black Man? No, wait, Blackwing!"
Batman: "No."
Batwing: "Um, what would you suggest."
Batman: "Batwing."
Batwing: "Batwing it is!"

I don't think I want to read Batwing! I think I'd rather make it up myself. Then I'll send my version to Judd Winnick and he can see how much better my stuff is than his stuff!

As Batwing fights Massacre, Batwing gets his wing skewered to a pyramid and can't escape (even though he should just be able to slip right off the end of the blade) and has to watch in horror as Massacre approaches a bus full of retarded children. Or just adults. But I like to think with a name like Massacre that the people he's going to kill should be really sympathetic. And since Batwing can't break free, he decides to have a flash back to six weeks earlier, WHEN IT ALL BEGAN!

wavy lines wavy lines wavy lines wavy lines

Six Weeks Earlier:

Six Weeks Earlier than that:

Six Weeks Earlier than that:

Sixteen Years Earlier than that:

Sixteen Years and Twelve Weeks Later than that:

The Day After That:

1 comment:

  1. Terrible villain name AGAIN! HA HA HA.

    Did DC's editor in chief (whoever that is now) hand down an edict proclaiming all new villains and heroes had to have one-word names, emphasis on spinoffs, evil-sounding but common nouns and single-syllable verbs?

    I call dibs on "Batbat" and "Beater" and "Kill"!!!