Green Lantern #38 (April 1993)

The GLC are the CPS of the universe.

When will science develop the space bikini? I've had it up to my left nut looking at astronauts in shapeless full body coverings. We need the kind of reckless space program taking place on Rann: women in low orbit and bikinis kneeling on open-topped flying disks with their babies held insecurely in their bare arms. I didn't realize how much I despised NASA until this very moment. If I don't see some jugs floating in zero G soon, I'm inducing a coma and sleeping until logic and rationality are restored to this world. I also wouldn't complain about free floating dongs, if that's what interests you although you're pretending that it doesn't interest you at all.

This issue begins with Hal Jordan in the middle of kidnapping Adam Strange's child. Hal claims he needs the child to save everybody on Earth at the expense of everybody on Rann. Seems a bit selfish although not as selfish as Hal usually acts. Unless what he isn't saying to Adam Strange is, "If everybody on Earth dies, I won't get to fuck that waitress down at the diner! Sorry not sorry!"

I hate the phrase "sorry not sorry" so I'm glad it's gone out of style. But I also imagine that Hal Jordan is the kind of twat who would use that phrase and think he's hip while doing so. I'm not saying I'm hip in comparison. I mean, really, I just used the word "hip" to mean young and cool and sexually promiscuous.

Adam notes that Hal keeps using the pronoun "we" and guesses that Hal's being mind-controlled. Which means Hal isn't saving the people of Earth but the aliens of some other planet. Adam Strange doesn't find out which planet even though Hal almost says it because Adam Strange shoots Hal in the face with a yellow laser. Adam's daughter, Aleea, falls from the sky and luckily disappears through a purple portal instead of splatting on the ground. Unluckily, according to some of the main laws of the universe and physics and my 10th Grade Science Sans Maths teacher, she'll maintain her momentum through the portal and probably smash into the ground on the unknown alien planet. Maybe the aliens, being smart enough to employ portal technology, thought that through so the portal opens upwards, allowing Aleea to slow her fall by falling upwards after which they can easily catch her in a baby net.

When Hal comes to, he's himself again.

Did Barry Allen really come back to life this soon after Crisis?

I have no memory of Barry Allen coming back from the dead. I also have no memory of Wally West except how much he loved to sexually harass Power Girl. I just never really gave a shit about The Flash. Or Green Lantern. Or Superman. Or Wonder Woman. Fuck. What comic books did I give a fuck about?! Blue Devil and The Outsiders, I guess? Oh wait! Elfquest! Especially that time they had the huge orgy where we learned that elves have nipples similar to humans!

Barry Allen seems to have seemingly returned, it seems, in Flash #73/74. Barry was waiting to talk with Hal when he and Tom returned from the Superbowl. But Barry wasn't all, "What a game, hunh?! Ending in a tie! Boy, that's something no American can get behind! Las Vegas is in flames right now!" Instead, the only thing Barry wanted to talk about was Carol's proposal. Hmm. Could "Barry" be a plant by Carol to find out what's going on in Hal's head? It's not like she could talk to Hal about his feelings because he only speaks intimately about his personal feelings with other men. Women are just meant for orgasms. To Hal! I think they're meant for other things as well. At least, I'm pretty sure they are. They seem to go about life as if they were individuals with their own ambitions, dreams, and desires, just like men are. Weird, right?! Except their dreams and desires are usually more practical than "I need to finish my set of Power Nine Magic the Gathering cards!"

Please don't get angry at me, Magic the Gathering women and the only women who will actually speak to me! I said "usually"!

Hal and Barry head off to the diner to have a discussion about why Hal doesn't want to marry Carol and Hal's three boners in 30 seconds pretty much answers the question.

Hal's dick now has whiplash.

Of course Hal is more attracted to these three women than he is to Carol. Because he really knows nothing about their personal lives and/or they are thirteen. Once Hal realizes they want something other than his dick, he'll instantly be turned off by them. And yet if any of these women knew how Hal was trying to keep the Green Lantern Corps a male only organization, they'd stop barking up his stupid pantleg. I wonder if Hal unconsciously uses the ring to control the minds of women so they think he's charming? Is that a power the ring has? Is that why Ice inexplicably fell for Guy Gardner?

Does anybody know how to get chunks of vomit out of a computer keyboard?

Imagine if Superman ever called Lois Lane "baby." She'd publish an editorial about how Superman infantilizes women that hints at his lack of super stamina in The Daily Planet dark room. Imagine if Batman ever called Catwoman "baby"! The idiom "Cat got your tongue" would be revitalized by Clark Kent's article about Catwoman biting off Batman's tongue and also about Batman's lack of sexual stamina when compared to Superman. In my mind, most of The Daily Planet's articles revolve around the fucking ability of the world's greatest heroes.

Hal's telling this story about his brunch with Barry Allen to Adam Strange so of course he fills it with details about all the women he might be fucking. What's the point of all that other than making sure Adam Strange knows how much pussy Hal's getting? Hal tells the story because it's the last thing he remembers before waking up imprisoned in a yellow light cage by Adam Strange. How does "this thirteen year old I used to fuck came by to flirt with me and I promised to see her back at her apartment to 'work on her memory again'"? Adam Strange replies, "What? Is that why you were trying to kidnap my daughter, you disgusting pedo?!"

I'm sorry about always bringing up pedophiles but what can I do? Hal Jordan knowingly fucked a thirteen year old and Gerard Jones, the writer, was convicted of possessing images of sexual abuse of minors! And now Hal is trying to kidnap Adam Strange's child?! It's fucking weird, man.

Adam's mother-in-law says something that triggers Hal Jordan and he's suddenly mind controlled again!

U-mind? Isn't that the thing his ex-girlfriend, the toy developer, was suffering from?

Well don't I feel stupid now! All that talk about the women Hal wanted to fuck actually were clues as to what's possessing him: a woman he was trying to possess but couldn't saddle! Is that irony? Oh, fuck it, who cares? It's kind of sexy though.

Whereas the Titans constantly battled their fathers and mothers and siblings, Hal Jordan just keeps battling women he's fucked.

Olivia Reynolds, who doesn't know Hal Jordan is Green Lantern (so was she fucking Green Lantern in costume? Was she not intimately involved with Hal at all? Is she just another woman who Hal worked with whom Hal assumed wanted to bone him and he built up a teenage fantasy in his mind about their sexual exploits?), dropped by to hire a plane and a pilot from Hal Jordan. She got his information from some billionaire tycoon in the desert who wants to fund a new wave of hot action figures. The kind of hot toys only Olivia Reynold can develop! I guess she really made a name for herself with the talking Green Lantern figure that wound up saying whatever Hal wanted it to say. I'm assuming Hal forgot about the link between himself and the toy and left the mic open 24/7. Olivia probably sold the doll to some pervert who knew this tycoon hermit in the desert. He probably wants her to develop one of Wonder Woman.

Carol Ferris watches Hal and Olivia take off, probably knowing that Hal's never going to marry her and give her children when so many of his exes remain in his orbit. Also his future exes, like the waitress at Traci's Diner and also Traci.

Once up in the sky, Olivia explains that the tycoon heard about her Green Lantern line (as I so arrogantly surmised before reading the very next page) and he wants to already expand the line, even though she only has prototypes. She doesn't explain how she got the rights to Guy Gardner or G'nort because she suddenly becomes possessed before discussing the boring parts of the project I want to know about.

I've never had a woman say that to me while looking that angry which probably explains why I've never shit and cum at the same time.

Carol probably bugged the cockpit because she knew Hal would get up to shit like this. Now he's going to come back and tell her, "Let's get married!" And she's going to throw a typewriter at him and say, "Fuck off, dirtbag!" Then he'll shrug and go have a threesome with Traci and her waitress.

Olivia, possessed by the Lenglyns that have linked to the power of her U-mind, causes Hal Jordan to crash the plane. The next thing he knew, he was trying to kidnap Adam Strange's kid. He then learns about the purple portal which he identifies as a Qwardian portal. So two different alien races are battling over the power of the U-mind, which Adam Strange's daughter must share with Olivia. The Qwardians believe the U-mind is a power they called Ergono. The editors say that happened in Green Lantern #75 from 1970. Ergono is an anagram of Orgone which is such a fantastically fucked up belief that every other Schizophrenic becomes obsessed with it. I'm not schizophrenic so I don't have the passion to discuss it. Look it up on Wikipedia if you don't already know what it is.

So basically, Aleea is an Ergono Accumulator and the Qwardians need Ergono for, well, um, did you read the Wikipedia article? Because we're really treading pedo territory again. Basically the Qwardians need a baby so they can get their rocks off. The Lenglyns, I'm assuming, just want the baby to survive. So I guess I'm rooting for the Lenglyns? No wait! I'm probably rooting for Adam Strange! I forgot him already.

Adam Strange frees Green Lantern after he promises to save the baby and not Olivia. Hal's all, "Oh, yeah, sure, whatever. I was done with that broad anyway."

Good to know that coming into contact with negative energy from the negative universe only results in a slight buzz.

On the other side of the portal, Hal and Adam are attacked by a massive negative guard dog. They blow it up and continue on their way to Qward. What's the life of one massive negative dog matter when you're trying to save the life of one positive tiny baby? Also, don't you kill a negative dog by introducing it to a positive dog and then they die as one as they even out to zero? Is that how math and science work? I think I might have some of that wrong because I just realized that to kill a baby, you can find dozens of ways that don't involve introducing it to a negative baby.

Hal and Adam find the Qwardians rebelling against the Weaponers. They ruled by fear but when the Qwardians saw them defeated by Guy Gardner earlier this year, they realized the Weaponers were weak fools. The chief of the Weaponers succumbs to Hal's questions (which are mostly threats and bodily assaults) and tells him that only one person in Qward currently has enough power to rule the dimension.

Fuck Carol and Arisia. I'm Team Oliva all the way.

With this reveal, I now realize I want NASA to emulate the Qwardian space program and not Rann's. Just thought I should clarify that before some Internet asshole gets on my case about not knowing something I shouldn't have been able to know unless, you know, I was a total Green Lantern nerd.

Green Lantern #38 Rating: B+. If Hal Jordan starts dating Olivia again, he'd better not introduce her to Dick Grayson because she is exactly his kind of woman. I don't remember the pop culture of 1993 to understand Olivia's shirt. Who is Catherine? What did she do? The only Catherine I can think of is Catherine Martell from Twin Peaks but that was two to three years before this issue came out. I suppose I could Google it but with their love of AI, I'll just get a made-up answer that's plagiarized from an actual human being anyway.

Okay, fine! I Googled it! Looks like it was old look at my vagina as I uncross my legs Catherine from Basic Instinct. Was that from that movie? If I ever saw it, I don't remember it. Reading the synopsis on Wikipedia, I'd have to say I never saw it. I suppose the shirt means Sharon Stone killed everybody and got away with it or that she ultimately killed the cop she was fucking at the end of the movie. Without having seen the movie, I can't speculate on what it means exactly but I like that second one, if the movie closed on the possibility that she could kill the cop. Of course everybody would be all, "Oh yeah! She killed the cop! What a hero!" Also that would make Olivia's shirt more threatening to Green Lantern. Olivia loves a good space cop killing, one would assume. That one being me!

My Attempt at a Listicle (from July 15, 2014)

People don't really like to read anymore unless you number the paragraphs and start out with a headline that assures people that they will be done reading in just a few easy steps. So I'm going to just start writing my own Cracked articles but not submit them to Cracked because I hate that fucking site. Why don't they just write funny lists about advertisements or lists of links to other articles about advertisements? Not that I'm above making money! If I knew what the fuck I was doing, you'd be reading a pop-up ad right now instead of my stupid bullshit! Anyway, here's my Cracked Article that doesn't appear on Cracked!

Top Five Literary Sequels If The Author Used Current Sequel Naming Conventions!

Before I get to Number Five (you do these lists backwards, right? If not, just renumber them the way you'd like them to be renumbered. But in your head! Don't try to hack my site and change the source code, asshole!), let me just say that the title could probably use some improvement. But from what I understand about Cracked, the article writers don't get to name their articles anyway (unless they come up with an exciting and clever way of introducing their list which makes sure readers know they're reading a relatively short list that will be split across at least two pages of ads)! I think they have Article Naming Monkeys that know the exact formulas for Link Baiting. I don't have access to a deep reservoir of business geniuses, so I just had to come up with my own title that is too bland and boring and also long but not descriptive enough as well.

5. Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
After the legend of Bromden's successful escape attempt at Wacky Acres Loony Bin for People Society Can't Stand to Look At or Listen To Anymore, two new inmates decide to attempt an escape of their own! Wacky hijinks ensue as Nurse Ratched doesn't just lose her top this time because naughty bits really need to escalate in the sequel! The entire book is narrated by lobotomized McMurphy in an artistic tour de force of style by, possibly, a thoroughly inebriated Ken Kesey! Did you ever see his play about the environment starring the characters from The Wizard of Oz? What the fuck was that mess?!

4. Bitter Friday by John Steinbeck
So you couldn't get enough stories about Doc living down on Cannery Row, hunh?! Well here's one more! This time, Doc wakes up one Friday afternoon from a blackout induced by too many beer milkshakes the night before. What did Doc get up to the previous night? Who did he offend? How many stories can this setting really bear? Some might say not this many! Learn the mystery of the otter wearing the women's undergarments! Marvel at the amount of times Steinbeck tries to describe the smell of the ocean! Try to figure out the five levels of subtext that he's jammed into the story of an old man with pissy britches!

3. Houses of Leaves By Mark Z. Danielewski
If you thought the book with just one house was confusing, try a book about a whole suburban development full of crazy houses! Just trying to figure out how to read the book is a mystery since it's published on six interlocking Möbius strips with text that can be read backwards and forwards with no perceptible starting point! White font on barely off-white paper will have you not only wondering what the hell is going on in this book but if there is even a book to fucking read! Art for art's sake has never been so artsy!

2. Catch-23 by Joseph Heller
Fuck yeah, I know Catch-22 already had a sequel! But it should have been named this! And it should have been different because it was less of a one trick pony than Heller's one trick pony, Something Happened! If he had titled the sequel Catch-23 instead of Closing Time, then at least people might have realized it was a fucking sequel! I'd have more to say about this if I could remember anything more about Closing Time other then it was about hard water or something.

1. Dante's Infer-YES! By Dante
Don't get all uppity with me! I know it was actually called Commedia! But nobody ever reads anything but Inferno in The Divine Comedy anyway! It's like all you readers want to do is argue! Just fucking read my shit and get over yourself, okay? Anyway, the sequel to Dante's Inferno, Dante's Infer-YES! is about the protagonist (Dante? Was it Dante? When did I last read this shit?! How long ago was college? How many mushrooms was I on?) returning to Hell with a van full of kegs and weed! It's PARTY TIME, BITCHES! Get your head out of that barrel of shit and drink up, fuckers! Thaw out Satan and tell him to spit out Judas so he can shove some jello shots down his damnation hole! And don't anybody mention this rager to the suicides because we're trying to get our happy on down here and don't need any of their depressing bullshit killing our unrighteous buzzes! FUCK YEAH DUDES!

Green Lantern #37 (March 1993)

This issue was drawn by a badger.

I've never lost the belief that if somebody's last name is an animal, they are that animal. So, yes, a badger drew this. And I like his style! Sort of looks like this might wind up being a Sailor Moon crossover. Nephrite must be targeting some college football star and cursed the football to turn into this energy sucking Youma. I always assume the first name of every Youma in the first series of Sailor Moon has the first name "Tits." You know, Tits Furau, Tits Ramua, Tits Kyameran. So this is Tits Futaba.

The issue begins with some demon in some prison dimension breaking free from its bright green chains. Apparently it was imprisoned for a "time uncountable" by its most hated for, Green Lantern. Eddie Berganza and Kevin Dooley refuse to give me an editor's note so that I know what the fuck this thing is. It's probably a metaphor for Carol's intense hatred of Hal Jordan which usually just simmers under the surface but now that he's refused her marriage proposal, she's probably ready for a regular old Carol Ferris murder, no Star Sapphire needed.

Hal, continuing to call his best friend Tom, "Pie", like the motherfucking thoughtless bastard he is, explains that he wanted Carol when he saw she got a hair cut but then he stopped wanting her when she pointed out that any sex with her was going to be in the name of having babies. Why the fuck would she drop her proposal like that? She knows Hal Jordan runs from commitment. The only reasons he's "committed" to the Green Lantern Corps is that it gives him an excuse to not commit to anything else. Hell, he's barely committed to the Corps! He'd dropkick the fucking Guardians into a black hole if he thought he could get away with it.

Hal actually hasn't given Carol an answer yet, a month later. He's scared to lose his secretary but also doesn't want to lose the option of fucking a thirteen year old waitress. That might sound like a guy who hates women which means I wrote it accurately. Oh, you don't think Hal hates women? Here's a little more proof: he refused to let Carol invest in his business but when Tom offers to buy in as a partner, Hal jumps at the chance.

Benefit of the doubt to Hal time: I suppose this works for him because Tom has never turned into a vengeful harpy who killed one of his coworker's wives.

To celebrate Tom working on his planes whenever Tom feels like it and not when the planes actually need work, Hal takes him to the Super Bowl. The NFL are giving away free tickets to superheroes. I guess they don't pay attention to local news out of New York or else they'd realize that superheroes just bring their baggage wherever they go and that baggage tends to be super-powered assholes with a grudge against the heroes. To argue New York was safer because the Titans lived there would be disingenuous and/or a huge fucking lie. Gotham would probably still be a dangerous place to live without Batman but at least you wouldn't have hundreds of people dying with eerie grins every few months because the Joker pissed in the reservoir. Metropolis would definitely be safer without Superman because Lex would probably make it a better place to live when the citizens celebrated his genius as opposed to celebrating an immigrant that took a shortcut to being powerful.

Forget about the NFL not checking into the dangerous ramifications of having a superhero at the event because they also didn't research which personalities get along with each other.

This is like if an awards ceremony sat Drake next to Kendrick Lamar. And not just because one of them is a pedo.

I'm not saying Drake is a pedo! I'm just saying, you know, Kendrick said he is and I'm just repeating a song lyric, really!

I'm not sure why Guy didn't bring Ice to the game. Were they going through something because she grieved too strongly at the death of Superman? Is this how Guy repays Ice for having intense emotional feelings for her friends and loved ones? Man, he's such a riot!

The game begins with Madden and the other guy announcing the game and also with this other weird scene.

In the credits for this comic book, Gerard Jones is listed as "Friscophile." Kevin Dooley is simply listed as "Cosmopolitan." Could it be Dooley was a Bills fan and Jones was hoping for a '49ers/Bills Superbowl in January 1993? And this was 1993, so it was okay for a comic book author to write two panels that suggest "My editor is a gay who doesn't understand football because he's rooting for a team I do not like." It might also not matter what year it was because I think that suggesting somebody is a gay is still the standard protocol when discussing somebody rooting for the opposite team.

Just a cautious note because the Internet has no comprehension skills: I'm not saying enjoying Guys and Dolls is gay. But I get the feeling that Gerard Jones is using it as a conceit for homosexuality. As well as the little dance Kevin is doing. Also how he doesn't know what a kick-off is. Also the woman he is with is far too hot for him so she's obviously a beard.

Meanwhile the dragon-like creature trapped in some Hell dimension sends forth his Youma to feed on the energy of the football crowd. The demons' names are Noga (the hot one) and Tuiasosopo (the male. So maybe hot? But how am I to judge, not being gay and also not seeing how fat his scrumptious dick is?).

Oh Kevin! You're so silly! And gay!

The players get so heated at one point in the game that one of the players, J. Jamie Jameson, gets possessed by Noga. While doing this, Noga mentions the name of the trapped dragon-God: Sapolu. I don't recognize the name and I can't find much on the villain via a brief Internet search (mostly because Google is broken and not because I'm lazy). But it seems Guy battled this demon before he got his brain damage. I bet that'll be explained in a few pages!

See? There it is!

Guy can't remember why he knows Sapolu and he can't probe other people's minds with his Qwardian ring. So he probes his own mind and remembers! This all happened in Green Lantern #116!

Oh shit! I own this issue! But where might I have stored it?!

Nago knocks Guy unconscious which may or may not affect his personality due to his untreated traumatic brain injury from around the time of Issue #116 (was it in Issue #116? Is that why I harp on it so much? Does part of my unconscious remember reading this issue so very long ago?! The only thing I remember is that cover depicts what happened except Green Arrow thinks it's Hal charging his ring when it's really Guy (I think)). That leaves Hal to save the day by keeping the energy in the stadium to a minimum which will prevent Sapolu from breaking free of his dimensional prison.

Hal realizes he needs to stop the Miners from winning on the final play of the game. But they're the team he's rooting for (even though he actually loves the Rams. Jones' Mary Sue is very upfront in this one!). It's the only way to save the world! On the other hand, he still wants the team he's rooting for to win. He can't let all those gay Maroons fans celebrate a win that he caused! So he decides that maybe the Maroons can stop the Miners on the last play all by themselves!

So we've finally found it. The line Hal Jordan won't cross. He won't interfere with the results of a Superbowl. What a fucking hero.

Hal does decide to interfere at the last moment but his green blast, which everybody in the fucking world can see and should be shouting about how he tried to cheat the Miners out of a win after the game, is blocked by a yellow flag of the referee possessed by the male Youma with the mysterious but probably super fat dick.

The Miner's score the touchdown! They win the game! And Sapolu begins to break free after feeding on the energy of all the non-gay football fans across the globe! MINERS! MINERS! MINERS!

Fuck you Steve Young and Jerry Rice! You've doomed the entire planet!

Guy wakes up to fight the demon after it squashes Hal Jordan into the turf. Turns out the Green Lantern ring isn't too effective against magic. So it's not the most powerful weapon in the universe then? Etrigan could easily set Hal Jordan on fire and Hal couldn't even touch the yellow demon. That's got to be a fight that's happened somewhere, right? Maybe I own the issue since I've got the entire run of the '90s Demon comic!

While Guy's fighting the demon, Hal uses his ring to pre-empt the end of the Superbowl with some Leave it to Skeeter. For some reason, this bores the entire world instead of making them even more invested in the images on the television. Weird.

Sapolu feels their strength waning and flees back into its dimension before it can be chained up again. By Green Lantern light. That is ineffective against magic. Um, anyway, Hal and Guy save the day! Yay!

Green Lantern #37 Rating: C. The "C" rating doesn't mean it was entertaining. It just means it was an obvious filler issue that didn't really have much of a point or theme. Gerard Jones really just wanted to put out a Superbowl story for the January issue (yeah, yeah. I know the cover says March! But that just means it hit stores in January! Duh! Maybe do some research on how magazines and comic books were dated for length of life on newsstands!). The best two parts of this issue were Noga's ass and Lacey Lovitz's ass. There might have been a third best part but Tuiasosopo never took off his pants.

Green Lantern #36 (February 1993)

Just what this comic book needs: a 3rd pedo!

I wonder if Doctor Light and Hal Jordan are going to be fighting over a twelve year old in this issue? Merry Christmas!

This issue begins with Carol Ferris and Hal Jordan in a small plane flying to the Jordan Family Christmas party in Alaska.

Stop looking at the Northern Lights off-panel and pay attention to that tear in reality over your heads!

I know comic book coloring can be weird at times but this comic book is called Green Lantern so I imagine the colorist could have made the Northern Lights actually look like the Northern Lights.

Okay. I just noticed it. I'm a petty bitch.

The tear in reality turns out to be Doctor Light so it wasn't a mistake on the artist's part at all. The mistake was entirely Carol Ferris's for being such a dumb slag. I mean slag in the mining definition and not in UK slang! The material left over from the processing of ore was the dumbest thing I could think of. Far dumber than sluts or whores.

To be fair to Carol, Hal didn't fucking realize those weren't the Northern Lights either. Stupid rake! I meant the gardening implement! It's much dumber than a spade or a hoe.

One of Hal's nephews is Captain Cold?

Before these children are introduced, Gerard Jones makes sure that Doctor Light speaks his motivations clearly so nobody gets the wrong idea about what's going to happen in this story. So rest easy! Doctor Light is after Hal's green light and not the children.

I just realized this morning (not because I hadn't noticed my hair but I just hadn't put the two together) that my hair looks like Hal Jordan's. Not the color or the length or the style. Just the white stripes on the sides. But mine looks cooler because my hair is long.

Carol quickly learns that Hal's sister-in-law gave up her profession to raise three kids and she almost vomits. Hal's sister-in-law, Sue, quickly learns that Carol has four huge sticks up her ass and not one of them is Hal's penis.

An ominous bit of pedo foreshadowing? And here I thought the kids were safe!

Doctor Light isn't the worst villain in this issue. Sue Jordan won't get off Carol's pussy about kids and not dating Hal.

Who thinks saying shit like this to another person is fun or smart or cool or not a reason to be violently murdered?

Even if Doctor Light diddles two of the kids, I still won't hate him more than I hate Sue right now. Maybe if he diddles all three, or kills one and diddles another, or kills and diddles the same one. Until then, I'll be less interested in Hal battling Doctor Light than I am in Carol battling Sue. Maybe Sue is just super horny and, since she lives in Alaska where people are weird, this is how she flirts with a sexy independent woman.

Hal just thinks it's funny and tells Carol it's "Classic Jordan Family" needling. Carol doesn't tell Hal that every single thing he's done or said since Star Sapphire was driven from her body has made it even more unlikely that Carol will ever take her underpants off in front of him. This guy's whole game is "This one time, I was fucking a toy mogul I worked for. Then later I fucked this thirteen year old. I don't want your money because no bitch gonna control Hal Jordan. You can be my secretary! You got that makeover to look hot for my dick, right? My family has really been treading on your personal space and I'm not going to say anything. In fact, I'll encourage them!" Does this guy even want to fuck Carol?

Every male Jordan treats women like baggage.

If Carol comes out of this experience loving Hal Jordan more, I'll fucking kill myself. Or write a moderately upset letter to Gerard Jones. We'll see exactly how upsetting it is. Meanwhile, Doctor Light continues to stalk the children. I mean Hal's Green Lantern light.

Apparently Superman just died. But Hal's not upset because how much time can you devote to another character in your own comic book? Fuck Superman. Just because he went and bit the big Doomsday dong, Hal Jordan's supposed to express the slightest sliver of grief?! Also nobody else seems to care. You'd think at least one kid would be weeping their fucking eyes out behind the couch.

Bigger news than Superman roasting in Kryptonian H'el, Green Lantern has been spotted back on Earth! The real Green Lantern! The one that Sue Jordan thinks was her husband Jack Jordan, Hal's brother! She even wrote an article about it for the gossip magazine she used to work for. Damn. If she could get that so wrong, how many other articles did she write that ruined innocent celebrities' lives?! Carol tries to tell Sue the truth but Hal yanks her into a corner and deliver more of his patented pussy wilting dialogue.

Now he's admitting he can fuck with people's minds? Run, Carol, run!

Do you think Hal's ability to make people forget things is why we haven't heard Carol go off on him about fucking a thirteen year old? If Carol doesn't immediately assume that Hal has used or will use this power on her in a relationship, then she's far more trusting than I am. I was going to go for "she's far more stupid than I am" but I know that's not true. I'm an idiot and even I can see what Hal's planning.

Is it possible Guy Gardner is smoother than Hal Jordan? And he takes women on dates to porn movies and cock fights!

While Hal has somehow figured out how to grow and put in his mouth an eighth foot, a really good conversation is taking place in the background.

These kids are fucking geniuses!

Hal is supposed to play Santa but he talks his brother Jack into wearing the costume while he videotapes the entire encounter from the shadows where Sue can't see him. Because Sue has to believe that Hal is in the suit and her husband is the one hiding in the shadows with the video tape recorder. I guess the Jordan family loves pretend candid Christmas videos that look like they were shot by some creep who crawled in through the back window.

Doctor Light, unable to get to Hal because he's crouching in the shadows like a sex pest, attacks Jack in the Santa costume to lure Hal out. Of course Hal comes roaring into the room as Green Lantern and Sue is all, "My husband! He's back at playing Green Lantern! I'll either divorce him or have the greatest sex of our lives!"

Oh, that's how Hal is grieving! He's got the black armband on but only in costume.

Doctor Light recently died in the pages of Suicide Squad (was that where everybody treated him like a kiddy diddler?) but, after spending some time in Hell, he's returned more powerful than ever before. Which I should explain is actually pretty powerful because he was always a D-List villain, at best. But now he can turn into light and make copies of himself and manipulate material things with his light and probably loads of other things. At one point, he says he has both the power of waves and particles but since I was a Liberal Arts Major, I don't know what that means at all. I guess I didn't read enough postmodern literature.

Unable to defeat Doctor Light with his ring because Doctor Light bathes everything in yellow light, Hal pulls out his battery and sucks Doctor Light into the lantern. His soul becomes trapped in the power battery on Oa where he spends his days being Parallax's bitch.

After the battle, Sue still believes Jack is Green Lantern. He even buys into it, thinking he becomes Green Lantern after blacking out.

Yep. Greatest sex of their lives it is.

So what happens when Green Lantern is exposed for fucking a thirteen year old? How's Jack going to explain that one? "I guess I was unconscious, honey! No, really! I don't remember doing her at all!"

After the battle, Hal explains to Carol how heroic he was and smart too! Carol just nods and says, "Have I ever loved anything ever? Let's get married!"

Goddammit. Where did I put that gun and/or pen and paper?

Green Lantern #36 Rating: B-. Somehow Carol witnessed how all the Jordan men treated their women and heard more confessions from Hal the Gigantic Bastard and she came to the conclusion that she and Hal should get married. The main evidence pushing her to that conclusion was seeing how much Sue loved and worried about her children when they were almost killed. She's never loved anything that much and currently has no path toward loving something like that. And somehow that led her to the belief that marrying Hal Jordan could get her there? Has she never heard of an animal shelter?! Get a fucking puppy! Or a kitten! Fuck, get both!

Green Lantern #35 (January 1993)

Green Lanterns about to break the universe.

If I were writing Entropy as the monthly villain, I don't think I'd have him attacking Oa. I'd have him sitting on a huge recliner made out of dead stars while sipping thermal energy from a straw shoved into a black hole. Dead planets would litter his orbit. He'd realize the Guardians were trying to tidy things up and just shrug before falling asleep and spilling his thermal energy all over his festive Christmas jumper.

I think I just realized why I don't write comic books.

I like the tagline on this comic book: "Entropy is unstoppable!" Yeah! But he's unstoppable even when he's not actively trying to murder the Guardians. Why's he suddenly so riled up now? What the fuck's the hurry?! And why does he wear a cape? Does a cape symbolize the piece of clothing that wastes the most time and energy in relation to how useful it is as a garment?

Last issue, Hal learned that anybody who battles Entropy loses years of their life. Is that a metaphor for how it's a waste of time and energy to battle entropy since entropy is literally time and energy wasted in the functioning of a system? I guess it's simply that Entropy steals energy and life is energy and [insert joke about sucking dick here after you get done masturbating thinking about Entropy sucking huge dongs].

Hal sounds like an incel doing a Ted Talk on abstinence.

Kilowog tries to convince the Green Lanterns to battle Entropy because Kilowog fights. Hal Jordan wants them to stop because while Hal Jordan usually loves throwing punches first and worrying about how much life it cost him later, currently his other major personality trait has taken the wheel: rebelling against authority. Hal in no way wants to do anything that might help the Guardians even if that thing will save the universe. The rest of the Green Lanterns are caught in the middle (except Boodika. She's gonna fight Entropy no matter what).

The Guardians believe the Green Lanterns can defeat Entropy if they weren't divided by Entropy's philosophical quandaries. So Gerard Jones does the easy thing that writers always go to when they want characters to quickly distrust each other: they realize other people have been keeping secrets from them!

Why does this suddenly feel like every other episode of The WB's Arrow?

Hal's main problem with the Guardians is that they never tell the Green Lantern Corps members the whole truth about why they need them to keep order in some respects and ignore order in others. But is Hal now realizing that if he's keeping secrets for the safety of others, maybe he shouldn't question the Guardians for keeping secrets?! Man, I hope not! Is that the argument being made here?! Because there is a difference between the people keeping secrets. I would trust that Hal is doing something for the right reason even if he couldn't tell me. Same with John Stewart. But those fucking Guardians?! For all we know, their elaborate plan for the entirety of time and space is so that they can get laid a second time right before it all ends. Who knows with those creeps?! I bet the Zamarons are super horny for Entropy so the Guardians want him dead! People with that much power manipulating others for unknown reasons is never a good thing.

Only one Guardian seems to think they need to earn their soldiers' trust: Ganthet. He explains what their purpose is and, well, fuck. It's a pretty good explanation. The only problem with the explanation is that it's not crazy enough to have needed to be kept secret. They could have written it on a plaque over the power battery and every Green Lantern would have read it and been all, "Wow. That's a good reason to keep fighting. Let's go!"

Ganthet explains how the universe isn't infinite but the iteration of universes is. Each universe begins as a Big Bang and ends in a Big Crunch. He goes on to explain what happens to the new singularity after a Big Crunch.

And this is why the Guardians can't fight Entropy directly: they'll lose too much energy from the universe due to their near immortality. If Hal loses fifteen years fighting Entropy, no big deal on the cosmic scale!

Comic books can come up with ridiculous reasons just to explain away ridiculous things. But this explanation by Ganthet is only slightly ridiculous and yet entirely explains the whole conceit of the Guardians and the Green Lantern Corps! They're fighting for infinity! Although Ganthet still never explained how the very first singularity came into being. I bet it was due to Krona's experiment where he thought he was looking at a great hand jerking off a cosmic knob to create all matter in the universe but what he was really viewing was his own hand jerking off his own knob as he thought he was watching some God jerk itself off. Then Krona's jizz became all matter in the universe as he shot his load into the time viewer he'd opened up. But that loss of Krona's jizz caused this universe, which started the whole chain of infinite universe's, to lose just enough matter and energy to not restart once it dies! And that's why the Guardians do what they must do. They must make the universe so ordered that it balances out 10cc of Krona's lost energy!

Entropy begins smashing the central Power Battery causing the Lanterns to begin losing power. Sure, that doesn't really make sense since their rings hold charges separate from the battery which is why they must charge them. But, you know, who cares? Gerard Jones adequately explained the Guardians!

These two are so binary! Fighting time/not fighting time. Right now, it's fighting time!

Hal still wants proof from either party. Is this a singular universe destined to die at its appointed time through no fault of Krona's self-pleasure? Or is this just one universe in an infinite series of universes, the ending of which will destroy the potential of an infinite amount of future individuals. If I were one of the future individuals, my vote would be to let Entropy win.

Ganthet let's Hal know that Entropy has selfish reasons for wanting the universe to end: he is Krona!

Imagine the guilt from one guy jerking off ends everything.

Could this story be an analogy for Gerard Jones's love of sexually explicit photos of minors? Krona looked at something and became super guilty about looking at that thing and now wants to destroy everything so that nobody will ever find out that he looked at that thing. It would work even better if I thought Gerard Jones knew about my theory that everything in the Green Lantern canon revolves around masturbation. That's why the Corps needs warriors with great willpower. So they resist pleasuring themselves which is an act of wasted energy. And too much wasted energy will bring the infinite universe cycle to an end!

Hal continues to waffle which makes me realize I can't wait to finish this post and go have some coffee and waffles. He turns once more to Ganthet who explains that the New Guardians and the Chosen were only meant to be useful if the Guardians never returned from their Zamaronian love shack. And after they came back, they got so busy with tidying the universe that they forgot to tell Plan B that they weren't needed anymore and could go back to their normal lives. Ganthet then explains why the Guardians had to leave and come back but, I mean, that's obvious bullshit meant to convince Hal to destroy Entropy. We all know they left to get laid.

Eventually, Hal spends a page convincing himself to participate in a brawl so you know he eventually chooses to fight Entropy. Throw punches first and figure out if the Guardians are huge fucking liars second. Like always.

Hal could have come to this same conclusion by leaving the idea of "faith" out of it completely. That's how little faith actually means.

Faith is an excuse to do what you want to do without any real reasons behind doing that thing. Hal explicates all of the reasons why he chooses to fight on the side of the Guardians. He shits all over faith by providing example after example of why he's making the choice he's making. Fuck faith. Also fuck loyalty. They're the most useless attributes any person can ever be proud to possess. They're only useful to control other people; they have no inherent value for the individual.

Hal doesn't understand how to defeat Entropy but some people still exist who hold clues on how: the Chosen. They're inside Entropy along with the New Guardians. They've resolved to die and reform as something greater in an effort to help save the New Guardians who all still live. Hal leads the other Lanterns into combining their streams and blasting Entropy in the face. The Chosen, from the inside, use the Green Lanterns' power to dissipate Entropy, leaving the New Guardians to appear unharmed. The Chosen themselves are either dead or super-evolved. I'm sure Grant Morrison did something with them later.

The New Guardians wind up living on Oa while Aa quits the Corps because he needs to believe in provable truths and not probable truths and best guesses and hurried assumptions and snake oil. Unless the reason he leaves is because Ganthet's explanation that the Guardians need "humor" to make the Corps effective is itself the most humorously stupid thing said in this arc. Unless it's the part where John Stewart uses some dumb shit Kierkegaard said to defend Ganthet's idiocy. That's the problem with using philosophers to defend current arguments. They've all said so much stupid shit over the years that you can pick and choose any of that stupid shit to defend even more modern stupid shit.

Green Lantern #35 Rating: A-. The story was decent and it was sort of a meta-explanation for comic books and how readers need faith in the absurd to believe any of the boiling shit writers blast onto the pages from their cornholes. But I did like the explanation of the Guardians' mission! That was a turd I could get my teeth into.

Green Lantern #34 (December 1992)

How does the ring even stay on the finger of the guy with the yellow hand?

Last issue, we learned Hal Jordan has a thirteen year old girlfriend. Sure, he'll say she broke up with him and also she wasn't thirteen but a thirteen year old who had made herself an "adult" through sheer willpower after he was all, "I'd love to fuck you but, you know, it's unseemly," and she was all, "I'm an adult now!" and he was all, "Oh shit! Cool! Let me see that alien butthole!" Then she took off her shirt and he stared at her back and was all, "Awooooga!" But now she's thirteen again and she's still calling Hal her boyfriend even though she's forgotten everything that happened since she became an adult and the only conclusion you can make from that is that Hal was fucking her before she pretended that she used the ring to become an adult.

Anyway, now we have a cover where Hal is screaming "I want answers!" from a little blue guy who should be screaming at Hal, "You're a fucking pedo, man!" But Arisia and Hal fucked in the '80s (unless it was the '70s) and those were pretty innocent times when it came to older men abusing and manipulating young women. They could just do it right in public and people would say things like, "It's so romantic!" and "What a cute couple!" and, sometimes, if you were around decent people even for the times, "That guy is some creepy bastard, no?"

Modern men exist who are trying to get back to that time because women of an appropriate age won't date them because they're gross assholes who are super creepy, have bad vibes, and wholeheartedly believe in the worst social, political, and philosophical takes imaginable. So of course they want to find somebody with less life experience who find it a bit harder to recognize their terrible persona by their myriad red flag behaviors that more experienced women see five miles off the bow of their Sex Ship. "Tack away! Creepy pedo ship coming up on port! Woman the cannons in case they get too close!" I'm not sure if that's exactly what they say but I've seen the looks on their faces from five miles out as my ship approached and their expression looked like those words.

I love a good comic book dental shot.

The first page is just a close-up of the cover, just to get the point across that Hal is fucking pissed at the Guardians. They never tell him anything and often lie about everything. It really is hard to believe that he keeps listening to them. You know how you can tell Guy Gardner is the smartest Green Lantern? Because he finally just said, "Fuck this!", and got himself a Qwardian ring and a freelance gig. Sure, he came back to the Corps eventually. Because he needs to be needed. It's his biggest flaw! Yes, even bigger than his arrogance, his constant sexual harassment of his teammates, and his haircut.

Hal demands a bunch of answers from the Guardians but then cracks the first time one of them shouts back at him.

Is the fear of little blue men Hal's greatest weakness? I mean after thirteen year old ass, of course.

Last issue ended with Hal declaring that he needs answers before he fights the Entropoids. But he tells the Guardians that he tried to fight them as they flew off in their dark sphere containing Kroef's Island, the New Guardians, and The Chosen. He lost that fight. Then he still didn't rush off for answers because he had to get Tom and his family to safety. He also needed to go check on Arisia for a reason that I'm assuming, being a righteous and moral person, didn't have anything to do with his dick. He just wants to make sure she's safe so he picks her up, along with Tom's family, and takes them to Carol to babysit because why wouldn't Carol want to ignore her own needs to live more of Hal's life? What an honor!

If anything, Carol isn't shocked enough in that last panel.

So when Hal says "maybe younger," does that mean he was in a relationship with her before she was thirteen?! Because if she reverted to an even younger age and can't seem to remember anything that happened prior to the age she currently reverted to, then Hal was with her when she was twelve or younger? What a stud! I mean in the pedo world! Not in our world where this kind of behavior is unseemly, or maybe even worse than unseemly. Illegal? Is that worse? Inappropriate? No, maybe harsher than that, right? Fucked up?

Sometimes I have a good time online getting Deathstroke fans riled up by accusing him of being a pedophile. It's really great fun because they worship him so much and yet it's right there in the canon that he's a pedo. I love the character Deathstroke! But I also understand he manipulated a teenager and had sex with her. I think it was okay though because she smoked. That means she was super mature or something. But I never try to rile up Hal Jordan fans for some reason! Aren't they just as disgusting as Deathstroke fans?! I suppose it's easy to blame the writers and point out how they didn't get Hal and ruined him by making him a pedo in the DC canon. I often use that same argument about Guy Gardner. But my Guy argument is more valid because Guy is brain-damaged and I'm not angry that writers write him as an angry, arrogant misogynist! I'm always angry that they never write the other characters in a way that shows they want to help Guy with his traumatic brain injury! I mean, sometimes maybe I'm simply upset with the writers because they go overboard, like Dan Vado's run of Justice League America. But even the editors seemed to agree with me on that one because it turned out the terrible Guy Gardner Vado was writing was some Guy Gardner replicant! But Hal Jordan is a normal, heroic guy who just happens to love underage pussy, I guess. Weird choice. But there it is! Right here in four colors! And just look at the way Carol sees Hal for who he really is in the above panel. Why the fuck did he even tell her that?!

Man, if I had been in my thirties and I dated a thirteen year old (which I didn't do!), I'd never tell my current romantic interest about it and I'd certainly never write about it in a blog! Let me reiterate: I never did that and wouldn't at any age! Although if I had, I wouldn't blab about it! But I didn't do it! I'm just trying to make it clear that I didn't do that and if I had, I wouldn't talk about it, but I don't have to not talk about it because I never did it!

Wait, wait. Let's look at this reaction again. Just fucking classic!

As soon as Hal left, you know Carol ran over to Arisia and was all, "What did that horrible disgusting man do to you, you poor sweet thing?!"

Oh man. I just turned the page after Carol's "WHAT?!" reaction and, well, I mean, she is not done with this revelation.

Hal flies off thinking, "Good old Carol! The one person I can trust!" Ha ha! Not anymore, idiot!

The Guardians ask Hal about what he did before coming to them because they've got a great big gotcha in store for him. Instead of making this Entropoid business first on Hal's list of things to do, he takes care of his friends and then rushes off to Russia with Justice League Europe to battle Baron Bedlam or something. I forget. Anyway, the Guardians are all, "A-ha! So you protect a few people on a dying planet who will all die before any of the current Guardians even take their next shit! What do you know about keeping an infinite universe safe?! You know why we didn't hassle you about dating a thirteen year old?! Because our time scales are so vast that a 90 year old human is the same as a two year old human! You're all bitter ashes and crumbling calcium in our noses! How dare you judge us, you earthworm!"

Hal tries to argue with them but he's just a dumb brawler and they're representative of billions of years of wisdom and gotcha questions.

What I would give to be so good at debate that it drives my opponent insane!

I don't actually like to debate. What'd I'd actually like is the power to snap my fingers and drive somebody insane instantly. Because you really don't need too much time to understand most asshole's arguments and fathom why the fuck they think the way they do even if they'll never admit it because, deep down, they don't want to come right out and be an asshole. That's why they love debate! Because it allows them to rationalize and launder their asshole personality into "ideas" and "theories" and "controversial opinions." No, no. Nobody cares. *SNAP*

After the Guardians get done explaining the plot of Jesus Christ Superstar to Hal, they send him on his way. He meets up with Kilowog and the new recruits just as Entropy appears in the sky. He's basically Galactus, I think. He's that big, anyway. Entropy asks the Green Lantern Corps if they will fight and die for the Guardians' lies or join him. Which, I think, just means to not fight and die. You know? Entropy! Instead, Hal foments open rebellion against the Guardians and declares he will never fight for them again. But I bet he will fight for himself and his cohorts and the lives of all of the people trapped on Oa in Mosaic City.

The Green Lantern Corps fight because that's what they do. Especially when they have Boodika on the squad. Also, I "learn" that the guy with the eyepatch and yellow fist is Kreon, the alien who hired Flicker to kidnap people for him. Christ. That guy was so boring that I forgot about him immediately!

Insert Butterfly Meme: "Is this transphobia?"

Hal wants to fight with his friends but he can't help confronting the Guardians one more time. "Why won't you fight with us?" None of them will say until Ganthet, feeling guilty, steps forward. He explains that anybody who comes into contact with Entropy will lose years from their life. And they don't want to get any older. Although they're immortal so what would be the harm? So many secrets and mysteries! Ganthet also states plainly that it's okay if the members of the Corps lose a few years to defeat Entropy. Comes with the job, suckers!

Green Lantern #34 Rating: A. This book should be a classic just for Carol's reaction to Hal revealing the truth about his relationship with Arisia. It should be a $50 wall book with a big sticky on it that reads, "First Appearance of Carol Ferris's Reaction to Hal Being a Pedo!" Stunning stuff! Totally outshines all the entropy bullshit and the Guardians explication of Jesus Christ Superstar (although, being my favorite musical of all time, that was pretty fucking good too). Maybe Entropy will touch Hal and he'll realize what "bad touching" is while simultaneously losing the years where he was fucking a thirteen year old girl. Win/win!

Green Lantern #33 (Late November 1992)

Hal Jordan romantically involved with a 13 year old is approved by the Comics Code Authority.

That black tentacle thing coming out of Arisia's back (is that where her alien butthole is?) are the Kraken dreadlocks I mentioned last issue but never scanned any for readers to see. I don't know why they're coming out of Arisia. Is she the Kraken? Is this an intergalactic version of To Catch a Predator?

The issue begins with Arisia trapped in a field of Floronic Men while telling Hal Jordan that she needs him. This time with an exclamation point! Now I believe her!

I don't care how hot you make her, M.D. Bright. Me and my dick know she's a 13 year old only pretending to be an adult super model who loves to fuck Hal Jordans.

I'm only joking! She's a fictional character and a drawing and also I don't know if she loves to fuck Hal or she just thinks, as an adult, she should love to fuck Hal. But if I wanted to jerk off to this picture, there's nothing wrong with that! What's the difference between a drawing of an adult woman who is actually an adult woman and a drawing of an adult woman that's canonically just a 13 year old alien girl? Nothing! Out of context, a quick jerk to this would be totally harmless. But obviously I'm not going to jerk off to a comic book! At least not at my current age! And Arisia's 1992 canon age! I'm just philosophizing up excuses for if I accidentally do jerk off to this later.

Do you think M.D. Bright based his version of Arisia on Laura Dern?

Of course she can read, officer. But do you expect everybody to be able to read your backwards font on your police tape?

Do you think The Floronic Man is looking up Arisia's skirt? Good thing for Arisia, her butthole is on her back and covered by the dress.

Hal discovers Carol packing up and checking out of the hotel room next to hers when he returns from having coffee. They have a conversation that's drawn as if they're arguing but they're actually in total agreement with each other. Hal's ready to start his flight business and Carol's ready to do all of the work for him. Nobody even mentions Rose! When I glanced at the page, I thought for sure Hal had just said something dumb and Carol was putting him in his place. But they seem to be starting off their business relationship quite well. Plus, Carol's not in the room next to Hal's anymore! So he can fuck waitresses and 13 year old aliens to his heart's content!

Before Carol can leaving the parking lot, Hal gets a call from Blue Beetle letting Hal know the police have found Arisia and she's asking not just for Green Lantern but for Hal. So now he feels he can't just leave Arisia to Kilowog. He's going to have to risk falling into sex with her. Carol hears the entire conversation but mostly she just hears yet another woman's name coming out of Hal's mouth.

Just casually letting Carol know he dated a model.

I love how Hal "has to admit" that Arisia was attractive but he doesn't have to admit that she was a child. Weird the kinds of things people choose to "have to admit" to other people. I suppose he also "had to admit" that she worked as a model while he was dating her. Take that, Carol!

Hal assures Carol that Arisia isn't any threat to their relationship and Carol is all, "Why would I think she'd be a threat to our friendship?" And Hal is all, "whut?" No wait. I bet Hal was actually thinking, "That means I'll be single when I meet up with Arisia! Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly what a day!"

On her planet? I knew plenty of girls in junior high who didn't look like "junior high school girls."

I feel like two out of three of these cops are almost getting the whole consent thing behind statutory rape laws. One of them obviously doesn't give a damn. Some bodies mature faster than others. That doesn't mean, as a child or teen, they should be constantly harassed by older men. It's weird that these cops can philosophically discuss this issue because she's an alien. But if she were a human, I guess they'd just be all, "She acts like she's in junior high but she's hot like a woman. I guess she's just ditzy and sexually available? Because of the way society makes us believe children should look?" Then the third cop is all, "I don't even care if she's in junior high!"

I'd forgotten that the reason Hal was concerned about Arisia's well being on Earth was that he saw what was currently happening to her by utilizing The Book of Oa in Green Lantern Corps Quarterly #1. There's a note in this issue referencing that story. But here's what I had to say about it back in 2015 when I re-read it:

You don't want to know.

No, seriously. Go away. You don’t want to know.

*sigh*

Okay. So Arisia was thirteen years old when she fell in love with Hal Jordan. Now, this wasn’t a case of thirteen years being mature in her alien physiology. No, she acknowledges that she wasn’t an adult when she uses the Green Lantern Ring to give her the body of an adult which Hal Jordan’s boner notices. So he takes her to a secluded planet to live with her because pedophilia is illegal on Earth. At least that’s why I’m assuming he took her off of Earth to live with her.

Remembering back to the time, Arisia thinks, “But being beautiful wasn’t enough. I also needed a grown-up brain if I expected to keep a grown man interested.” Are we all completely skeeved out yet? I mean all of us except for Hal Jordan who was totally into it.

Eventually Arisia left Hal Jordan, probably because she realized he was a sick pervert. But then she went on to have a modeling career because “when you’ve got a pretty face and bod, most people don’t care if you have a brain. So I learned how not to have a grown-up brain and get away with it.” Has everybody’s genitalia shriveled up from hearing this yet?

So while she’s remembering all of these horrible memories, she crashes her car and winds up in the hospital where her current manager comes to rush her off to her next photo shoot.

I like to think John Stewart is changing the subject not because they’re arguing about who gets to be Earth’s Green Lantern but because he knows how Goddamned icky this whole history is.

This is me back in the present of 2024! What's most surprising about the above panels is that when Arisia reverts back to having her normal, thirteen year old mind, she still references Hal as her boyfriend! That's pretty suspicious, Hal. It's also kind of a bummer. Why am I reading a comic book written by a sex pest with heavy sex pest baggage on the title's hero?! I guess this is the whole point of DC refusing to collect this run?

If you want a succinct bit of where Hal stands on all of this, here's what he thinks upon meeting back up with her this issue:

Is this the dictionary definition of justifying one's actions?

Hal wants to believe that Arisia, by using the ring's power to transform herself into a woman, was consent enough to fuck her over an Oan kitchen counter. But that's just some weird belief in the power and goodness of the ring he loves to use. If a baby picked up the ring and somehow in its baby thoughts transformed itself into a beautiful woman that seemed to understand and comprehend the world around it as an adult would, Hal Jordan would fuck that baby. At least this 1992 version of him would and since that's the one I'm reading, that's the one that exists in my head and will exist there forever. His belief that the ring makes the sexual assault of a minor okay because he believes so much in the power of the ring to do good sounds to me like Democrats believing that the slaughter of Palestinian citizens is okay because they believe so much in the power of the Democratic party to do good. It's pretty fucking gross, really.

But then this is just a fictional comic book, so do I really care if Hal is portrayed as fucking an underage girl? Not really! Let's just go with it and see where it takes us! I'm especially curious to see Carol's reaction when she finally hears the whole story about Hal and Arisia! Man, I wish Guy Gardner were around to bring her up to speed!

"Look, you're really bumming me out and reminding me of some past actions that I don't want others to know about. So you gotsta go."

Hal drops Arisia off at Justice League Headquarters in New York so he can go deal with what's happening to the New Guardians. It's a bold move because she currently knows she's thirteen and that Hal is her boyfriend. I have a feeling some of the JLA are going to be regretting kicking Guy Gardner out as Green Lantern soon.

Hal arrives at the New Guardians' home, Kroef's Island, to find it covered by a huge black dome. His friend Tom and his family made it out on a makeshift raft. They explain that black, sentient, worm-like things called Entropoids were devouring everything on the island. During their conversation, Hal finally realizes that maybe his friend doesn't want to be called a slur on a continuous basis, and maybe that was one of the wedges that grew up between their friendship. Maybe Hal is growing! Maybe he won't return to Arisia after this adventure is over and try to fuck her! What a hero!

The Entropoids manage to infect Hal's ring for a page or two. They bombard him with doubts about the Guardians, doubts which Hal has always had and yet always seems to fall back in line when they're around. They're known liars and manipulators but somehow everybody in the Corps keeps giving them the benefit of the doubt. Probably so they can keep their power rings.

The Entropoids tell Hal that The Guardians should never have returned. By doing so, they've broken the Third Law. At first I was hoping the Third Law was some made-up universal law about the DC Universe. But I guess it's the Third Law of Thermodynamics that they've broken. I'm not sure how they broke it. I suppose it was by making the current DC Universe an open system. Perhaps leaving and then coming back fucked up the whole closed system aspect, bringing more energy into the system. That would explain why Entropy and the Entropoids are so angry. Their whole plan to set the entire temperature of the universe to Absolute Zero has been set back by this intrusion of energy from the outside!

Oh. It's back to "Pie," is it? I hope Ice and Fire are sitting Arisia down right now and discussing boundaries with her.

I'm not sure what kind of plan DC had for the New Guardians but it looks like they decided to bin the whole thing with this story. I'm sure most of the New Guardians survive this story arc. But I'm not sure if the Indigo Children, or The Chosen, do. No reason to keep those squirts around now that the Guardians are back and the Zamarons are pregnant with their disgusting little Smurf babies.

Hal tries to contact the Guardians and they just tell him all information is on a need-to-know basis and Hal definitely doesn't need to know. So Hal believes he has two choices: battle the Entropoids in ignorance or head back to Oa and demand answers. Weird because I know of a third choice: go back to Los Angeles, take Carol out to dinner, and plan your stupid mundane flight business. If the Guardians don't want you to know about this shit, it's not your responsibility!

Green Lantern #33 Rating: B+. This is only the first issue of the story arc so I can't be disappointed yet. Anything could happen yet! The main thing I want to happen is for Carol and Arisia to have brunch and a long talk. I also want Tom to punch Hal in the throat the next time he calls him "Pieface." I wouldn't mind more of the Guardians being killed by Entropy. Guardians dying is always a plus in my book. Oddly enough, I don't really care about getting any of the answers Hal wants. The Guardians are dicks. Isn't that answer enough for why they withhold information and act mysterious and refuse to let all the Mosaic cities go back home and force Hal to have to treat an idiotic dog alien as an equal? I also don't really care why Entropy is so angry and has decided to bust up the Guardians' New Guardian program. If I had to guess, I'd guess it's going to be like Pearl Harbor or 9/11. The powers that be knew or suspected that an attack was going to happen but they also realized the consequences of the attack would be results they wanted. America wanted Americans support for a war in the Pacific, the Government needed an excuse to humiliate Saddam again, and the Guardians were glad of the deaths of the Indigo Children who were probably meant to replace them. Not that I'm saying the Guardians set Entropy on the New Guardians! They just knew the results of that happening would be to their liking. Unlike 9/11 being an inside job. That's pretty obvious! Have you read all the really top-of-the-line arguments for it that you can only find on the weirdest, shadiest, and grimmest parts of the Internet? How could you not believe after digging up these essays by the smartest people on Earth who nobody really takes seriously for some reason?! Also those crazy YouTube documentaries that aren't crazy at all if you listen to them and don't think about any of it too much. So convincing!