Metal Men #1

I only purchased this series so I could discuss how Doc Magnus loves shoving his responsometers up his ass.

Doc Magnus is gay, right? I'm not suggesting that gay people love to shove sentient spheres up their asses! That's just a Will Magnus kink. I'm just asking because I don't know that it's ever been verified canonically although all DC readers know he must be. Platinum has been trying to fuck him for decades and he's always responding, "No time, no time! This pipe won't smoke itself!" Plus, he had the opportunity to build five sexy female robots and one gay one that he'd constantly have to fight off but instead he did the opposite. Plus he's dapper and even though that's probably a stereotype that gay men are better dressers than straight men, I have to admit that I'm not dapper at all. And I would have sex with Platinum in a heartbeat! That doesn't mean it would take a heartbeat for me to consent to having sex with her. It means I would blow my load in a heartbeat if she consented to have sex with me. And, yes, I know she's a robot. And a fictional character. And a drawing. I'm just a very sexual being who isn't embarrassed to say, "I would totally fuck a cartoon character. Especially one named Erin Esurance or Shego."

I just recently reread the Metal Men series from 1993, which was only four issues, and I don't remember being blown away by it. So why did I pick up this one that's going to go for twelve issues and written by Dan DiDio? If I had a therapist, we'd spend a few sessions on why I do so many things that make me hate myself.

Dan DiDio. Di "D" io. Dan DiDDDDDDDDio.

He's talking to the responsometer shoved up his ass.

If I had a conversation with something shoved up my ass, it would go like this: "Mmmm. MMMMM. Oh. OH! Mmmmmm. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm yeah."

Sorry about that mental image. Oh, you didn't have a mental image until I mentioned the mental image? Sorry about that too.

As I was waiting for the above panel to scan, I rewrote Eclipso: The Darkness Within in my head where it ended with Doc Magnus shoving the black diamond up his ass and Eclipso being destroyed.

Oh! I just remembered what the 1993 Metal Men series was about! It was how the Metal Men weren't actually robots but the souls of Doc Magnus's friends transferred into casings made up of different pure metals! Doc Magnus is a monster! And, again, not because he shoves responsometers up his ass. That's just his Goddamned kink.

Some scientists. These gears will never turn!

I should probably blame the artist for the terrible gear layout instead of Doc Magnus. But isn't every bit of visual representation in this book reflective of Doc and his Metal Men? Of course it is!

Doc Magnus is angry at having gotten so many awards for building the responsometer. I'm sure it has nothing to do with somebody leaking why they were really invented and what he does with them. He's ranting at a Metal Person that I don't recognize. She looks like some kind of maid or nurse or nanny from a 1940s cartoon. Except made of metal. Maybe her name is Nth.

Meanwhile in Challengers Mountain, some frackers drilled into a pit of liquid Nth Metal. It doesn't look anything like Doc's psychiatrist robot so maybe she's Palladium. Although she looks more like a Ruthenium.

Doc remembers telling the Metal Men where they came from and it has nothing to do with implanting the souls of his coworkers and friends into machines. Instead, each of the robot's emotions are derived from Magnus as he put a little bit of himself into each creation. Apparently the greatest part of him he implanted in them was his low self-esteem because every year or so, they rise up and question him about what they really are. Geez, Metal Men. You're fucking robots with a fairly sophisticated but not perfect artificial intelligence. How hard is that to understand?! I guess I can't know how hard it is for artificial intelligence to understand since my intelligence isn't artificial. I don't think. Oh man. Is it?! Where's my Doc Magnus in whose face I can scream, "WHAT AM I REALLY?! WHY AM I HERE?! WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING SUCH A SENSUALLY SENSITIVE PROSTATE?!"

Oh, the robot Doc is ranting to is named Nameless. Or not named at all. One of those. I think she should be Ruthenium.

The Nth Metal asks for Will Magnus by name so he puts Ruth back in the closet (she's just a soulless husk) and heads off to see a natural example of his total technological failings. And he seems so jovial about it!

Metal Men #1 Final Thoughts: I hope Ruth becomes an important character later. Maybe a responsometer, hastily discarded from Will's ass, will fall off the nightstand and land inside of her. Then she'll power up and have all the memories of everything Will ever said to her, all of his most terrible secrets and shames. Then she'll become his nemesis but instead of inventing new evil robots made out of the more evil elements (like Neon, Xenon, and Seaborgium), she'll just hire a bunch of henchmen wearing cardboard robot outfits. Man, this writing comic books thing is fucking easy.

Review of The Twilight Zone, Episode Three, "Guns Don't Kill People. But Then, Apparently, People Don't Kill People Either."

Look, Rod. If I'm going to sound smart talking about your stupid little science fiction show, you're going to have to meet me halfway by writing smart episodes. If I have to sit through another rambling episode that doesn't know where it's going like "Mr. Denton On Doomsday," I'll be forced to pretend I know what I'm talking about so I don't sound stupid writing another review of another episode I didn't understand! And I hate pretending that I know what I'm talking about! I'd rather just know! I'm not too bright but my imagination is fucking dreadful! Don't worry though! I'm going to give you a fair shake and try to figure out what the fuck you were trying to do with this episode aside from make your version of a western.

The first thing to assume when figuring out what an episode of The Twilight Zone was about is that it's a morality tale. They're all going to have some sort of message for the viewer to ponder and take with them as they travel through life, like maybe listen to the crazy person on the plane or perhaps don't worry too much about death because while you're hanging from the bridge dying, you'll actually think you're having a grand adventure (it's a lesson Fred Madison learned well in Lost Highway! If you're about to die in the electric chair, just turn into Balthazar Getty!). Anyway, the easiest way to figure out the moral is to start backwards. Rod usually tries to help with a few closing words about how things are in The Twilight Zone. In this one, he's all, "Whoa, Nellie! Giddyup, I reckon! Pardners, lissen ta whut I gots ta say! Sometimes fate can pull a man outta some pit while also keeping some other young buck from fallin' in! Yee haw!" So that's the lesson, I guess. Sometimes an old person is pretty darn useless but they can still be a good example to the young. Maybe. I don't fucking know!

The next thing to consider is the actors. Did I recognize any 1950s actors from this episode? If so, then it must have been an important episode. I won't get into the weeds on the logic of that statement; you'll just have to trust that it's as factual as I can get. The only person I recognized, and he wasn't even the main guy, was Martin Landau. He played a huge dick whose role in the episode was to, um, be a huge dick, I guess? One thing I'll say for Martin Landau: I think he could fit a cantaloupe in his mouth.

Thirdly, you have to consider the paranormal aspects. In this one, some salesman named Fate drops by to give Mr. Denton a gun. The gun symbolizes his fight against alcohol and his struggle to regain control of his life. Except maybe it only symbolizes that in the first half. Because after Mr. Denton humiliates Martin and decides to stop being the town drunk, he realizes his life is now over. Why? Because Rod Serling has a weird idea about the Old West. Apparently in Rod's Old West, every gunslinger was constantly going from town to town fighting to the death with other gunslingers they heard were the best in that town. Why the fuck would anybody do that?! If I was a pretty good gunslinger, I'd only want to fight mediocre gunslingers! What am I going around risking my own neck for?! But Mr. Denton realizes people are going to come around challenging him now that he's not a drunk anymore and he's good with the iron! Is that a gun reference? I think it might be a golf reference!

So now we've got one story that kind of finished up and moved on to another one. Mr. Denton fought off his demons with a gun but now that gun threatens his life. Salesman Fate convinces Mr. Denton not to flee by giving him a potion that makes him the fastest draw in the west. Well, what a deal! Of course Mr. Denton is going to accept that deal even if he told that prostitute the story about killing the sixteen year old gunslinger that challenged him and how all the death led him to drink the rest of his life away. Why run away to save your life and stay sober when you're assured of being able to kill another jerk coming for you?!

Lastly, you need to think about how the big twist relates to the rest of the story (if there is a twist. In this one, there is! I think!). In this one, right before the final gunfight, Mr. Denton swigs his potion. But then he sees his young challenger swig the same potion! Oh no! Now they're both the fastest draw in the West! But they've gone too far to stop now. Besides, maybe one of those potions was to make the guy harder so he could fuck a prostitute after the gun battle. But neither was! Both were Dr. Fate's Super Fancy Speed-em Up Potions! So each gunslinger fires and shoots the other in the hand. The doctor rushes up and says, "Oh no! Now neither of you can ever fire a gun again!" And Mr. Denton says, "Yippee!" And the young guy says, "Aw, shucks!" But then Mr. Denton is all, "Be thankful, kid! You're life is going to be great now! Especially since we're in the Old West and there are prostitutes all over the place that can jerk you off since you can't even hold your tallywacker anymore!"

So that's the lesson, I guess. Violence is never the answer? And also drinking isn't the answer? And maybe running from a fight is also not the answer? But I bet smoking and fucking is still okay! Yippee ki ay!

Inferior 5 #2

How is this not an Ambush Bug comic book?

Sometimes when you rewatch every episode of The Twilight Zone, as I'm doing slowly, you laugh at the things people believed in the Fifties and mock Rod Serling for being such a pathetic, lonely, needy auteur. And other times, you watch an episode like "The Monsters are Due on Maple Street" and you are reminded to think, "Oh fuck. Yeah. Society hasn't changed a fucking bit. What are we doing? Rod Serling was a pathetic, lonely, needy genius!" This isn't my review of "The Monsters are Due on Maple Street" because I haven't rewatched that one yet. But you know why I'm talking about it if you actually read the words on the cover I just scanned. The other episode that's a stark reminder of the hell we're living in is "Living Doll." Fuck that doll. Can't a grown man hate his stupid step-daughter without being thrown down the stairs and killed?

I won't be watching another episode of The Twilight Zone until tonight. Until then, I'm going to read Inferior 5 and also spend about four hours at work because my fucking asshole boss won't let me take every single day off. Also I'm my own boss. Self-hatred is a thing we find funny in the 21st century, right? Ha ha! I'm a piece of shit and I know it!

And that's why the Inferior 5 were so ahead of their time! They knew they sucked in the Sixties and were okay with it! What a perfect segue into this comic book! I hope it doesn't get interrupted by another digression!

You know, I've had serious thoughts about doing a review blog where I review all of my old blogs. If I didn't think this current blog wasn't already too niche and mostly written just for myself, I'd seriously consider doing the next level blog that would alienate everybody still reading this one. Possibly even me!

Oh, um, so Lisa and her weird friend who has totally convinced everybody that she's not an alien by constantly reminding them that she's not an alien have finally made contact with the kid from Metropolis. His mother was recently killed by canvas-headed Billy Shanker. That means he's been irreversibly pulled into the plot of this comic book. You know who else is being pulled into the plot of this comic book that gives me hope that Ambush Bug might eventually be as well?

Brother Power the Geek!

I immediately realized this was Brother Power the Geek because I'm constantly looking for references to Brother Power the Geek in DC comic books. Also, I'm sticking with my guess that the mysterious guy in the hazmat suit is Ambush Bug. It might also be Jonni DC except the shape isn't exactly right. Unless she's no longer round because her body updates along with the DC logo.

Hazmat Bug leaves Brother Power to meet up with Jenny Shanker, Billy's canvas-headed little sister. She doesn't have a red X on her face so maybe she's not super terrible. She just has a creepy smile. And instead of repeating nursery rhymes about cats lying about their winter wear, she simply repeats names. Not great but definitely not as scary.

Billy is currently making friends with either a parademon or a roided out Ambush Bug.

Billy winds up possessing Ambush Bug Hulk and loping off into the desert talking about kittens and pie. I could have worded that differently so that it sounded super dirty.

Billy Ambush Bug attacks Justin (the kid from Metropolis who is probably Merry Maker), Lisa (who must be The Blimp?), and her weird friend Helen who must be White Feather. Awkward Man and Dumb Bunny are probably off making out behind the record store right now. Later, we'll see Dumb Bunny with a look of shame on her face and Awkward Man trying to catch a glimpse of himself in every window he passes to see if he's physically changed in the way he feels he has after losing his virginity. You know how long I looked at my naked self in a mirror after I lost my virginity? Probably pretty long because I was fucking hot in my twenties. I mean at fifteen!

Okay, I guess I don't have to pretend Helen is human to save her reputation among her friends. I was just trying to keep a secret for once in my life.

You know how people will sometimes tell you something but then they give you a list of certain people that can't know the information they've just told you? Yeah, fuck that. I don't keep a data base in my head of who can know what things I've been told. I've told everybody I know straight up: "If you have information you don't want somebody else to know, don't fucking tell it to me. Because I will fuck up. Like that time my friend Brent told me how his girlfriend Simone had a dream where she had me hide in the closet so that I could watch them have sex. And then at a beer festival where we were all hanging out, I brought up the dream to Simone. And then Simone looked at Brent like she was going to flay him alive. And I just kept drinking my beer and thinking, 'Well, Brent, you should have known better!'"

Hazmat Ambush Bug calls off Billy Ambush Bug because his threats against Justin and Lisa do not cause any meta-genes to activate. I mean metal-genes. Just because the characters in this story from 1988 don't know that the mega-genes are actually metal-genes, it doesn't mean I have to pretend ignorance.

Lisa explains to Justin that there are only five kids in Dangerfield, Arizona, and the fifth one keeps getting killed. Justin is the new fifth one and he seems to be so sub-par that Hazmat Ambush Bug's boss has decided not to have him killed. So Billy Ambush Bug heads off to put his canvas bag back on his stupid head.

I can smell the sex all over them!

And then a revelation: Billy and Jenny Shanker might be Brother Power's children!

Meanwhile, the Dominator trying to create a sleeper cell to renew the invasion of Earth has Justin's mother (who isn't as dead as I thought, I guess?). Contrary to what Hazmat Ambush Bug believed, the Dominator thinks that Justin's metal-gene was activated by the encounter with Billy Ambush Bug. But since he doesn't care about anything happening in Dangerfield, Arizona, he ignores the new information. Which he'll probably regret later because the Inferior 5 are going to rise up and save the world! Probably by accident.

In the Peacemaker back-up, we learn that Peacemaker's helmet can talk. Or Peacemaker's head wound received during Crisis on Infinite Earths makes him think it can talk. Either way, he's leaving Russia to go investigate Dangerfield, Arizona. But he won't be going alone! Unbeknownst to him, KGBeast is tracking him!

Inferior 5 #2 Final Thoughts: All you need to know about me as a comic book fan is that I prefer Keith Giffen's art to Jim Lee's or David Finch's or Tony S. Daniel's or Bryan Hitch's or John Romita Jr's (but, I mean, who doesn't in that case, amirite?!). And I also like the way Giffen tells a story. He doesn't give it all over easily. He doesn't explain every single thing in narration boxes. He lets the characters talk and he lets the action play out and he doesn't give a shit if the reader has to put in a little work to figure out what's going on. I despise people who want easy to read stories! Which is good because those people probably like Scott Lobdell and I'm happy to be a person who despises fans of Scott Lobdell.

The Batman's Grave #1

Does Batman have to crash through skylights looking like the Batman logo to protect his trademark?

The first thing I thought when I read the title of this comic book was "No shit. He's a serious motherfucker. We need a new comic book to tell us that? Sure, it's by Warren Ellis so it'll probably tell us in an entertaining way. But it's like DC 101! Batman is grave! He's super...oh! Does this mean like a cemetery plot? Never mind." My first thoughts are always rambling and protracted.

I know I should be reading this story a year hence when it's collected so that I don't forget every twelfth part before reading the succeeding twelfth part. But here I am being a dum-dum because I can't pass up a Warren Ellis comic book. I mean, I guess I can. I haven't been reading Trees. I'll do that one correctly and wait for it to be collected!

The story begins with Alfred wasting his last remaining years tending to the graves of Martha and Thomas and Bruce Wayne. Record scratch. Guy confusedly saying, "WHHHAAAAAAA?!" That's right! Bruce Wayne's grave, jerks! He's dead! Ha ha ha! I guess this series is going to be twelve issues of beautiful poetry about the life growing up around Bruce's grave, the exact opposite of the life that didn't grow around Gotham during Bruce's life. It's a morality tale in twelve parts! Or maybe Alfred just pisses on it every day. It's his symbolic statement about how Bruce Wayne pissed his life away beating up street thugs when he could have truly helped Gotham with his enormous inheritance.

Oh darn. He's not dead yet. I guess I have to wait another eleven issues before I can laugh like a nihilistic misanthrope.

I know I've been harsh on Bryan Hitch in the past but mostly that was due to his writing, I think. Luckily, he's doing art for a Warren Ellis story and as the most unbiased comic book reviewer on the Internet, I would never dare say a bad word about Warren Ellis or the artist working on his story.

Bryan Hitch nails Batman in the Batmobile. Superb!

A couple are attacked in an alley with their child and Batman rushes down to save them because it's the most important thing he can do. If he doesn't save every family mugged in an alley, what did his parents die for? After he severely beats the shit out of the muggers, he puts the responsibility on whether they die or not on the victims of the attack.

See? Batman doesn't kill people. The victims who refuse to call an ambulance after Batman mortally wounds them kill people.

Batman heads off to investigate a suspicious death because sometimes he remembers he's a detective and not just a vengeful demon of the night. The dead guy was either a huge Batman fan or a stalker. Either way, somebody killed him and left no evidence. Not even a riddle. Batman pawns the investigation off to Gordon and goes back home for some tea and a calm British scolding.

Ha ha. I was right about the scolding but I was wrong about the tea. It's all scotch tonight. Also, I absolutely nailed the reason Alfred pisses on Bruce's grave.

Bruce's defense for beating the shit out of people on a nightly basis is that the people he beats the shit out of made the choice to be human pieces of shit. "Not everybody broken by the system and trapped in an endless cycle of poverty decides to work for The Penguin, Alfred!" he whines while kicking at shadows. So Batman's argument is that if he used his resources to help lift people out of poverty, he wouldn't get to enjoy kicking the shit out of people who made terrible decisions out of desperation. Why does Alfred hate Batman so much that he'd try to make him give up his only hobby?

Batman gets tired of Alfred scolding him and goes off to think about the murder. He talks it through and somehow realizes the killer must still be hiding under the floorboards under the bed. I don't know how he came to that conclusion. Probably because he's the World's Greatest Detective and I'm just a dumb asshole who still reads comic books at 48. Having realized he must be correct in his assumption, Batman rushes back to the apartment to discover the weirdo murderer hiding under the floorboards. "I was lonely," he says. And Batman nods and goes, "I get that. Now do you want your teeth knocked out or your liver bruised?"

Batman's Grave #1 Final Thoughts: Just like we believe that Doctor House cannot figure out the medical mystery from all the evidence and only ever comes up with the answer through a flash of insight brought on by a butterfly flapping its wings in China, so we believe Batman can figure out the answer to a mystery without any actual evidence pointing to the solution. We all know gut instinct is more powerful than scientific evidence! And that's why Batman is the best! Because it's way easier to write a story where the person states the facts of the story and then suddenly looks up, snaps his fingers, and shouts, "A-ha!" Then he runs off to solve the mystery while the reader thinks, "Did I miss something?!" I feel like I'm getting awfully close to criticizing Warren Ellis! Maybe I should just shut up and trust that things will be explained next issue!

Review of The Twilight Zone, Episode Two, "I Love to Pitch! Ah Ha Ha Ha!"

This episode called "One For the Angels" and written by Rod Serling isn't about being so lonely you go mad. Sure, it's only the second episode so it seems like writing about loneliness isn't a trend. But it will be! I'm absolutely positive about that!

In this episode, a dumb salesman is outwitted by Death so badly that he thinks he pulled one over on Death. But since he still dies at the end, I'm pretty sure Death schooled the shit out of Ed Wynn. See, this guy finds out he's about to die because Death tells him he's going to. Why does Death tell him? It doesn't make any sense, right? Because of course the salesman is going to rage against whatever it is that guy's dad is supposed to rage against when he finds out he's dying. I guess death!

Ed Wynn complains and tries to find a way out and Death tells him how somebody can get an extension on their life. Again, why?! Why start all this trouble in motion when Death could easily have just killed the guy at midnight and been done with it. That, I think, is where the heart of the story lies. Death knows what he's doing the entire time. Death is being kind. Death is giving this guy a chance to embrace his demise and to leave the world feeling like a hero. I imagine Death does this with as many people as he can because why not make the job about making people feel good? Especially when most of the time, Death is probably just coming up to a car accident and pulling the scared shitless soul out of the wreck and sending them off to Heaven or Hell.

Death allows Ed Wynn to live as long as he needs to make the greatest sales pitch he's ever made. That's the deal for the extension. But when Ed Wynn finds out that this extension comes at the expense of one of the neighborhood kids he loves, he tries to renege on the deal and die in her place. Death mentions early on that he knows how much Ed Wynn loves the kids. See, he's already foreshadowing his plan. Death doesn't let Wynn renege so Ed Wynn has to pitch some shitty ties to Death in order to make Death forget about killing the little girl. If he misses his appointment, the girl will have to live. And of course, Death tells this to Ed Wynn. Because how else would Ed Wynn know what to do so that Death can ultimately make him feel like a hero when he dies? Death puts on a good act, pretending to be so interested in Wynn's terrible tie sales pitch, that he spends fifteen minutes buying shitty ties from Ed Wynn. Eventually the clock strikes midnight and Death stands up horrified and shocked. "You made me miss my appointment to murder that girl! Aw, shucks!" he says totally unconvincingly. And so Death has to take the hero, Ed Wynn, too high from the greatest sales pitch he's ever made to rage against the dying of himself. What a stupid bastard.

Grendel: Devil's Odyssey #1

Is this like Jason X: 2001?

In high school, a couple of my friends were really into Grendel. Eventually, I borrowed the entire run from one of them and read it, sometime in 1990 or 1991. The only thing I remember about it is that some guys named The Panzer Brothers drew pages that had about five hundred panels apiece. Also maybe Grendel was a devil or something? And he used some pitchfork thing? Also maybe he was a she sometimes? Look, my memory is terrible. The only things I remember clearly are the times my world came crashing down around me or the two times I did it with a woman. I mean three times. Four? Why not five dozen! Yeah, it was five dozen times. Does that sound like too many for a middle aged man? It's probably just about right for a middle aged man or a woman in her early twenties. And by "times" I mean different people! Unless that's too unbelievable. You know what? Shut up!

And since I have no memory or attachment to Grendel, you might be asking yourself the same question I'm asking myself: why the fuck did I purchase this?!

I don't have an answer to that question so I'm just going to start reading it and pretending I know what I'm talking about.

The issue begins with a little background: "A powerful, living weapon created by Grendel-Khan Orion Assante, Grendel Prime is a cyborg warrior who served his Khan by protecting his son, Jupiter Assante, and assisting on various missions. After several generations of Khans and their households have come and gone, Grendel Prime has fallen into seclusion, living a mysterious life away from humanity." That sounds like another way of saying, "This Grendel has nothing to do with that previous Grendel. Get over it, Fanboys." Of course, not knowing anything about Grendel, I may have missed some important interim issues that resulted in this sci-fi future.

Is this where I'd pop a big boner if I were a Grendel fanboy?

The flying head declared she likes to be referred to by female pronouns. I bet that pissed off a lot of comic book nerd boys. "Not you too, Grendel!" But then the head also wants to be known as "Siggy" and Grendel insists on calling it "Drone" or "Seven." So that probably sated the nerd boy rage around the issue. "Yeah, Grendel! Rebel against politeness, you bad ass motherfucker! Stick it to people by being purposefully rude!" Was this part of Grendel's appeal? He (or she?) was an anti-hero? I bet Grendel was really just a knock-off Batman!

Grendel experiences a flashback so the reader can understand what's going on. Earth has been ravaged by war and the Grendel-Khan line is on its last legs. Grendel has been tasked with carrying the DNA of the original Grendel-Khan, his two sisters, and his two wives into space to find a new planet to call home. A planet where he can clone the humans and begin again, peacefully. Although I already see a flaw in the "peacefully" department. One man and four women, two of whom are the man's sisters? That's not enough dick to go around!

Back to the new planet Grendel has landed on, Grendel discovers signs of intelligent and probably aggressive life. He's not supposed to attack any other species they find but he can defend himself. So he promptly strides right past their totem warnings swinging his great big two-pronged dick. "Just out for a stroll! Not being aggressive at all!" he probably would say if I were writing the dialogue.

Whew! I'm glad Grendel was attacked. I thought this book was going to be a big uneventful dud.

After Grendel slays the gigantic bug, an alien creature comes to greet him. Thanks to Siggy's translation ability, Grendel understands the alien when it asks if he's a God. Grendel doesn't answer at the end of this issue but if he's seen Ghostbusters, he knows what he's supposed to answer.

Grendel: Devil's Odyssey #1 Rating: If Matt Wagner was Cullen Bunn and Matt Wagner had been hired by DC to write Aquaman, he would probably have just used this story and replaced Grendel with Aquaman. If you read Bunn's Aquaman, you know what I'm talking about. Also, I don't rate comic books anymore. Maybe I should change "Rating" to "Synopsis" or "Final Thoughts" next time!

DCeased #6

My favorite time of year is movie poster variant month! But now that I buy so few DC comics, this is the only one I bought. I think.

At the end of the last issue, Superman had become a zombie and turned his undead wrath upon Earth. So I'm not sure why this is an extra-length issue. Won't it just be thirty pages of the Earth burning and everybody screaming and zombified Batman saying, "--tt--"? If Batman and Lex Luthor are dead, who else has the kryptonite needed to stop Superman from destroying the last vestiges of the human race? And why is Ambush Bug never even a part of Elseworlds stories?

Oh, I forgot that I mentioned Damian would probably have the Emergency Back-Up Plan B Superman Containment Option left to him by his dad.

Batman knew that if Green Arrow ever turned evil, he'd just eventually be shot by a cop.

Wonder Woman forges a magic sword from Damian's kryptonite and flies off to stab Superman in the face. I'm sure she'll kill him but then she'll turn. Then who will stop Wonder Woman? She should let Cyborg implant a bomb on her so that if she turns fighting Superman, he can just blow her up before she gets a chance to turn Green Lantern or Firestorm. Somebody has to come up with a way to stop this domino shitshow.

The arks were built before Martian Manhunter attacked. Maybe he was too scared of Firestorm's flaming head to attack immediately. Anyway, a bunch of people begin escaping on the two arks (which hold seven million people each) before Superman has been dealt with. I have a feeling seven million people are about to die screaming.

Poison Ivy chooses to remain on Earth and Harley chooses to remain with Poison Ivy. Then they bang for like ten pages. Or they would if DC liked money.

Bye bye giant penis! You're no longer needed down here!

Aquaman sees your giant penis ship and raises one gigantic vagina.

This is what a vagina looks like, right? Unshaved, obviously.

For the record, Mera has the best ass in the DC Universe. I know most everybody is scoffing and shouting "Dick Grayson!" at me. Some of you remember Supergirl's bum as being the best and, at the time, under Mahmud Asrar's watch, it absolutely was the best ass. But at this point, Mera's ass is canonically the finest ass in the DC Universe. And now I must stop writing about it or I'll need to take a secret break.

I still want to see Green Arrow in a foot race against Batman. Why am I the only one who wants that story?!

While the Atlanteans battle the Amazons (isn't that always the way?), Black Green Canary Lantern, Cyborg, and Wonder Woman battle Superman. Dinah begins by creating a huge bullhorn to amplify her sonic scream and, I mean, come on. Look at how eloquent my turns of phrase are in complimenting that attack! "I mean, come on" is like the biggest compliment I can give a writer for one of their ideas. It's like saying, "I didn't want to use any brain power to come up with a compliment because all of my brain power was being diverted to appreciating your idea." My second biggest compliment is offering to jerk off the writer (I am of the firm belief that the term "jerk off" is non-gendered so don't think I'm just willing to pull some puds. I can bang some fingers too!).

The Amazons remain behind to fight off the Atlanteans while the second ark takes off. To keep the arks safe, Wonder Woman cuts off Superman's arm and stabs him in the chest. But of course Superman punches her in the ovaries and bam! She's now one of them! She gives her magic kryptonite sword to Dinah so Dinah can finish him before he destroys the arks. Cyborg remains behind as penance for starting this entire catastrophe. I always knew he was a terrible character. If only Marv Wolfman would have left him as a brainless toaster back in The New Titans.

As Superman nears the arks, Superboy has to leave to battle him to buy the arks more time. Lois is all, "Yeah, yeah. Hurry up. Save your mom now! So sad! Good luck!" Then she begins thinking up a great first sentence for the article she'll write that will win the first Martian Pulitzer.

As Superboy is knocked out by his dad, the entire Green Lantern Corps finally arrive led by Guy Gardner. Finally! A real hero that can stop this disaster from spreading! I suppose if Guy can't end this catastrophe, the world's last hope will be Lobo.

I love him so much. Mostly because I love me and, I mean, he just defined me in describing himself!

Superman flees into the sun and begins devouring it. I suppose that's something I've always known Superman could do. Sure, his big plan to stop the virus from turning him was to fly into space and asphyxiate. But he can also consume an entire sun. I think maybe Batman was right about living Superman. He just wasn't imaginative enough to ever stop Batman. It took the Anti-Life equation to bring out the best in him.

The Green Lantern Corps escort the arks out of the soon-to-be-dead solar system and on to their Earth 2. If only they knew how terrible Earth 2 is! Poor survivors.

Back on Earth, Cyborg learns the cure was in him all along. So he clicks his heels together and Wonder Woman snaps his neck. Oh well! Goodbye, Earth! Goodbye, Sol! Goodbye!

DCeased #6 Rating: This one time, I ate half a bag of hallucinatory mushrooms and went out to a club. While at the club, I had to pee. At least I felt like I had to pee. Sometimes when you're on mushrooms, it's hard to tell if you really need to pee or not. While waiting for a urinal to be free, I realized how awkward it was to wait to pee while not watching other people pee but also needing to sort of watch them pee so you don't miss out on a free urinal. Reading this series wasn't anything like that.