Grendel: War Child #1 (August 1992)

"Not for Children" slapped on a grisly Bisley cover is ironic, right? Or sarcastic? Surely unnecessary.

Grendel: War Child #1 (August 1992)
By Matt Wagner, Patrick McEown, Bernie Mireault, and Kurt Hathaway
Cover by Simon Bisley
Edited by Diana Schutz

If you're a Grendel fan, don't get too excited about reading my take on one of the many, many, MANY Grendel series from across the years. For some reason, I only have this single issue. I probably saw the Bisley cover and the eyeball dripping off of a hook and thought it was a new Lobo series. Or I was still desperately trying to love the series the way one of my best friends loved it. Maybe two of my best friends! ("Best friends", plural, is the second tier of friendship for me. My only bestest friend in the whole fucking world ever was my cat Judas (1999-2014). He was my soul mate!) But the most plausible reason for my having the first issue of this series and not any others is that I completely forgot about it by September 1992. I think I hit the comic book store every new comic book day (was it Friday at the time? Thursday? I don't fucking remember) but that doesn't mean I always grabbed every book I was currently reading. Pretty sure I stopped reading Guy Gardner at the time the series became Warrior because the store sold out or, being an actual fucking idiot, I scanned the rack, saw Warrior and thought, "I don't read that one. Next!" It could also be that I purchased that issue (#16? #17?) that was twenty pages of Guy flying through an asteroid belt or meteor storm or something that my friend Brent and I shit all over for at least three weeks because it had no story and maybe no dialogue? Just a total waste of time.

It's possible I'm remembering that whole Guy Gardner thing incorrectly but that's not a surprise because every time I speak about a memory I had, it's mostly speculation. It's like looking into the mists of time through a seer's crystal ball. I kind of think I remember doing a thing but maybe I just dreamed it or I thought about it once and now the time I thought maybe I did that thing has become I actually did that thing? The human brain isn't anywhere close to as amazing as we all pretend it is. We're just all dumb motherfuckers who really should have learned a long time ago to write it all down!

It's too bad I didn't collect the rest of this series just for the Simon Bisley covers! Fucking missed opportunity, baby!

The inner cover might also be a clue as to why I didn't pick up the rest of this series.

Chapter 41?! What the fuck?! I've been duped by a #1 on the cover!

The original series ended with Issue #40 so I guess this is just an extension of that story. I did read my friend's issues of Grendel the summer of 1990 (as well as his Michael Moorcock Elric books) but I probably didn't remember them well enough to understand this inner cover blurb. Maybe the blurb didn't have anything to do with the original series anyway, being that this takes place far in the future. I don't remember the original series having anything to do with a future society with multiple Grendels so I suspect this is some kind of Bill & Ted thing where Grendel had such a huge impact on society that it became the basis for how wars are fought centuries later. Whatever the case may be, I found it too confusing in 1992 for me to continue with the series. Or, you know, I just forgot about it, like I said earlier. Fifty percent chance one of those was the case. As well as another 50% chance it was some other reason (every other reason having a 50% chance of being the actual reason).

If I had a lover who was an absolute idiot, this is where I'd lean over and whisper, "That's Grendel!"

I'm acting like this is a scene from a movie because the first couple of pages are quite cinematic. The art might be a bit amateurish but I would have accepted that as simple fact in 1992 because this was a Dark Horse comic book and not one of the big two. Obviously everything would be lesser quality! Maybe "amateurish" is too harsh. It's got a bit of a Manga vibe which might be the style it's going for. But to my untrained at visual art eye, a lot of Manga just seemed unfinished, rushed, or drawn by a thirteen year old who hasn't quite gotten a handle on depth of field, shading, or realistic breasts.

Let's just chalk it up to an unjudgmental clash of cultures and move on before I hurt my own feelings by insulting Sailor Moon.

The kid in the panel with Grendel, I learn as my lover leans in and whispers, "That's Jupiter!", is Jupiter, the heir to the throne of Earth. Since the Grendels seem to exist as different warring factions now, I guess the Grendel Faction that just obtained Jupiter rules the world now.

Matt Wagner whispers, "That's Laurel Kennedy Assante and her man-maid!"

The person whispering, "Mother?", off-panel is Laurel's daughter Crystal. This first issue is going to get me acquainted with all the characters mentioned in the "The Story So Far" brief on the inside cover and then it'll be time for Issue #2 which I don't have. So I probably don't need to actually read this, right?! Although it isn't for children so maybe I'll see a butt or a booby if I hang in there!

Laurel, current Regent of the World, thinks the kidnapping of the actual heir of the world will throw the world into chaos. What she means by that is it will destabilize her rule and she'll lose power. The world is already in chaos but as long as she's technically got the keys to running it, she doesn't give a fuck. If she could be honest with her Red Devil Grendel Warriors, she would tell them, "My rule is threatened! Do you want to work for somebody who might not be able to pay you if all of this falls apart?! I don't think so! Go get that fucking kid so that I control all of the tax wealth and mining rights and the crown!"

While escaping with the child, Grendel winds up surrounded by Red Devils. I guess the person dressed as the Grendel readers recognize is the protagonist. Although has Grendel always been the protagonist? I don't fucking remember. Weren't there multiple Grendel (not concurrently but one after the other) in the main series?

Grendel owns a "laser sword" and battles "Empire troopers" in a desert canyon because Matt Wagner saw Star Wars just like everybody else.

After the battle in the canyon, everybody hops on their hoverbikes and begins the chase scene. But through canyon walls and not Redwood forests so at least that's different. Kind of. At least Matt thought up the double-sided lightsaber first!

So that's all Qui-Gon Jinn needed to do to defeat Darth Maul? Kick him in the balls?

Oh, that guy Grendel is fighting there? A gang he encountered in Chicago on his road trip with the boy to New York. What's he doing with the boy and why is this Grendel so special? I'll never know because that's it for this issue, baby!

The Ranking!
Well, I just remembered why I never got Issue #2! Because nothing fucking happens in this issue! At least nothing interesting and new. A vaguely Star Wars-esque character in a vaguely Mad Max world transports and protects a child across the country in a Little Miss Sunshine plot. Although I might be misremembering that movie. Anyway, you can probably think of plenty of movies where somebody steals a child from bad guys to help save the world. Was that the plot of The Golden Child? And with all that superficial pop culture camouflage, there's really no story at present. Just a few fight scenes and a woman yelling at her staff. It didn't pique my interest to continue here in 2026 so I imagine I felt the same in 1992. Especially since it would have been really easy to just get the second issue when it came out. We've already seen so many other comics I was collecting in 1992 that I probably shouldn't have picked up. Robin. A bunch of Eclipso annuals. Timber Wolf. Darkstars. Late issues of Justice League Europe. I want to say Shadows of the Bat but I actually enjoyed most of those. Probably so, so many more!

Grendel: Devil's Odyssey #2

Yay! Grendel hentai!

I would absolutely love this comic book if I gave a shit about Grendel or was twelve years old again and into space stories. So close to my demographic! At this point in my life, I'm into stories about too much ass-play and economic equality for everyone (including horny octopuses). But since this story is about Grendel and space, I'll try to psyche myself up for it. Whee.

I just realized something: I didn't have to purchase this comic book! I'm dizzy from that revelation!

Grendel has found a planet that could have become Earth-2 if it weren't infested with a sentient race called the Gyks. I'd suggest Grendel could easily solve that problem but there must be thousands of them. And I don't think even Grendel could manage to slaughter that many innocent beings without feeling slightly troubled by a nervous, guilty bowel and having to break from the fight to shit where he'll be overpowered and fed to the Gyk children.

Man, if that's what happens, I won't call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. I'll just call Matt Wagner a weird freak.

Well it seems like Grendel wants to attempt to slaughter them. So maybe we'll get the "Grendel shits himself to death" story I was pretending would be weird but secretly want to read.

I guess Dark Horse doesn't have a rating system for their comic books because I just checked the cover and there isn't a "Suggested for Mature Readers" note of any kind. "Why do you bring that up, Tess?" you're probably asking. By which I answer, "My name isn't Tess." But, um, this is why I bring it up:

Matt Wagner is a weird freak.

I just realized that the previous scan will probably get this review tagged as adult content on Tumblr. Oh well. Fuck you, Tumblr. You've fucked up the layout of my blog anyway by inserting all of your own weird fucking code into the HTML so that now nothing centers and the captions don't sit snugly under the scanned panels. At least Blogger hasn't fucked up their entire platform yet.

Grendel's floating science head reports to him that the Gyk will probably kill him on sight if he interacts with them again. That's because their Queen Priest King has declared he's a cursed Gyk and will bring ruin to the entire hive. Hey! That's what I was hoping would happen! I guess Grendel will just have to find another planet.

Grendel decides to not listen to his science head. He'd rather take his chances on the Gyk than head back into space to find another suitable planet for Earth life. He decides to befriend the Gyk by bringing them water. It doesn't go as well as Grendel thought it would although it goes exactly as Science Head warned (I can't remember the science head's name so it is now Science Head). Grendel winds up incinerating the Queen and dozens of other Gyk as well as destroying their mushroom homes. Grendel says, "Oops! Sorry!", and then heads back to the ship to find another planet.

Grendel: Devil's Odyssey #2 Final Thoughts: It's an adventure in space story. Too bad twelve year old me is long dead. Forty eight year old me hasn't retained the sense of wonder twelve year old me had so he was sort of bored by this. It even had naked alien cock and I was all, "Hmph. I've seen it before." Wouldn't it be great if we, as a species, got more excited about everything and our sense of wonder simply increased as we got older? I don't like the way it really works where the world just beats us down and chips at our optimism until we're cynical husks full of weariness and pain. Maybe I just haven't found enough new things to keep me interested in living another forty years! No wonder there are so many stories about billionaires owning secret islands where they hunt men. Now that sounds like something that could get my heart pumping! Too bad I'm not a billionaire and I'd almost certainly just wind up as one of the hunted. I bet that would still be exciting though!

Grendel: Devil's Odyssey #1

Is this like Jason X: 2001?

In high school, a couple of my friends were really into Grendel. Eventually, I borrowed the entire run from one of them and read it, sometime in 1990 or 1991. The only thing I remember about it is that some guys named The Panzer Brothers drew pages that had about five hundred panels apiece. Also maybe Grendel was a devil or something? And he used some pitchfork thing? Also maybe he was a she sometimes? Look, my memory is terrible. The only things I remember clearly are the times my world came crashing down around me or the two times I did it with a woman. I mean three times. Four? Why not five dozen! Yeah, it was five dozen times. Does that sound like too many for a middle aged man? It's probably just about right for a middle aged man or a woman in her early twenties. And by "times" I mean different people! Unless that's too unbelievable. You know what? Shut up!

And since I have no memory or attachment to Grendel, you might be asking yourself the same question I'm asking myself: why the fuck did I purchase this?!

I don't have an answer to that question so I'm just going to start reading it and pretending I know what I'm talking about.

The issue begins with a little background: "A powerful, living weapon created by Grendel-Khan Orion Assante, Grendel Prime is a cyborg warrior who served his Khan by protecting his son, Jupiter Assante, and assisting on various missions. After several generations of Khans and their households have come and gone, Grendel Prime has fallen into seclusion, living a mysterious life away from humanity." That sounds like another way of saying, "This Grendel has nothing to do with that previous Grendel. Get over it, Fanboys." Of course, not knowing anything about Grendel, I may have missed some important interim issues that resulted in this sci-fi future.

Is this where I'd pop a big boner if I were a Grendel fanboy?

The flying head declared she likes to be referred to by female pronouns. I bet that pissed off a lot of comic book nerd boys. "Not you too, Grendel!" But then the head also wants to be known as "Siggy" and Grendel insists on calling it "Drone" or "Seven." So that probably sated the nerd boy rage around the issue. "Yeah, Grendel! Rebel against politeness, you bad ass motherfucker! Stick it to people by being purposefully rude!" Was this part of Grendel's appeal? He (or she?) was an anti-hero? I bet Grendel was really just a knock-off Batman!

Grendel experiences a flashback so the reader can understand what's going on. Earth has been ravaged by war and the Grendel-Khan line is on its last legs. Grendel has been tasked with carrying the DNA of the original Grendel-Khan, his two sisters, and his two wives into space to find a new planet to call home. A planet where he can clone the humans and begin again, peacefully. Although I already see a flaw in the "peacefully" department. One man and four women, two of whom are the man's sisters? That's not enough dick to go around!

Back to the new planet Grendel has landed on, Grendel discovers signs of intelligent and probably aggressive life. He's not supposed to attack any other species they find but he can defend himself. So he promptly strides right past their totem warnings swinging his great big two-pronged dick. "Just out for a stroll! Not being aggressive at all!" he probably would say if I were writing the dialogue.

Whew! I'm glad Grendel was attacked. I thought this book was going to be a big uneventful dud.

After Grendel slays the gigantic bug, an alien creature comes to greet him. Thanks to Siggy's translation ability, Grendel understands the alien when it asks if he's a God. Grendel doesn't answer at the end of this issue but if he's seen Ghostbusters, he knows what he's supposed to answer.

Grendel: Devil's Odyssey #1 Rating: If Matt Wagner was Cullen Bunn and Matt Wagner had been hired by DC to write Aquaman, he would probably have just used this story and replaced Grendel with Aquaman. If you read Bunn's Aquaman, you know what I'm talking about. Also, I don't rate comic books anymore. Maybe I should change "Rating" to "Synopsis" or "Final Thoughts" next time!