E!TACT! #15
Hit Girl #1, Batman and the Signal #2, Justice League #39, Batman: Sins of the Father #1, Damage #2, The Hellblazer #19, Raven: Daughter of Darkness #2, Detective Comics #975, Pickle Boy Comics, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
How do people with 40+ hour per week jobs get anything done? I work maybe fifteen to twenty hours per week and I can't read all the books I want to read, watch all the television I want to watch, masturbate to all the porn I want to masturbate to, write all the things I want to write, and play the sixty hours worth of video games I always play.
Oh wait. I see the problem. Never mind.
Comic Book Reviews!
Hit-Girl #1
By Millar and Lopez Ortiz
The unexpected and exciting conceit of this comic book is that a young girl has the skill to murder dozens of well-armed and experienced men. To make it even more unbelievable, this takes place in a comic book universe that isn't a comic book universe at all but more like the universe that we believe exists. If it were a superhero universe, the reader would react by yawning and saying, "Seen it." But since it's a regular old universe, the reader gasps in amazement and screams, "Can you believe that this little girl can murder so ruthlessly and efficiently?!" To which the answer should be, "Well, no," followed by the reader throwing the comic book in the garbage can.
If I had written this comic book, leaving all these conceits intact, I would have made Hit-Girl about a set of quintuplets. But they would never attack in force. They would attack one at a time and when one was getting in trouble, she'd duck out and hide while one of her sisters attacked from a new angle. I would also have a few of them die to show how realistic and even more realistic my story was from the one that Millar actually published. The problem with the Millar Universe is that it's supposed to be realistic which simply causes it to seem even more unrealistic than most comic book universes. I'd sooner believe a man could have a skeleton made of a fake nerd metal than I'd believe a tween girl could murder dozens and dozens of well-armed bad guys. Maybe I should reread the part of the story where Hit-Girl's father trained her to such a high degree of skill that the reader thinks, "Oh yeah. That makes sense then."
Now you're probably thinking, "If you have such a problem with the premise of this comic book, why did you buy the sequel?" That question is easy to answer: I love seeing little girls murder people! Which is a good reason to like this book because Hit-Girl loves murdering people. And it's acceptable murder because she only murders non-ambiguously bad people. Although in this issue, she's hired one of those guys to be her sidekick. I don't think that will be a problem because she'll almost certainly murder him by the end.
Hit-Girl #1 Rating: I'm not a huge fan of the art in this issue. The style straddles the line between poorly done mainstream art and flood the markets with as much as you can Manga. So the worst of two worlds combined into one disgusting snack. The story is also a bit flat. It's just Hit-Girl trying to satiate both her bloodlust and her loneliness. For those of you who can't quite wrap your mind around cheering for a murderous little psychopath, this story gives you a bit of an out with a person you can root for: the woman in Colombia who hired Hit-Girl. She's sympathetic because she vocalizes how hard it was to hire a monster as a necessary means to avenge the death of her son in the gang-riddled streets of whatever the capital of Colombia is. Is it Ecuador? Anyway, she's the good person in this story, I guess. Except she hired an assassin so how good can she really be? I bet she gets hers in the end as well.
Batman and the Signal #2
By Snyder, Patrick, Hamner, and Martin
I don't give a fuck about Meadowlark or whatever this not-Robin's name actually is. He hasn't been interesting since he was introduced. Of course I don't remember when that was because he's so not interesting. The most interesting thing about him was that nobody knew what his superhero name was. But that just made things confusing because people would want to talk about how uninteresting he was.
Comic Book Reading Loser: "Hey, how lame is that Duke kid in Batman?"
Cool Comic Book Fan: "You mean Batwing?"
Comic Book Reading Loser: "No. That's Luke. I mean Duke. Batman's sidekick. I think."
Cool Comic Book Fan: "Oh, Robin. There isn't a Robin named Duke."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "I know. The point of Duke is that he isn't allowed to be Robin. But Batman lets him hang out because Batman realized he had a diversity problem in the Bat-Family."
Cool Comic Book Fan: "Oh, is he black? You must be thinking of Batwing."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "No! That's Luke! Christ. Duke was the one from the Futures End story. The Zero Year kid."
Cool Comic Book Fan: "What is Futures End? Year Zero? I must have missed those cartoons."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "The big New 52 event from a few years ago?"
Cool Comic Book Fan: "The New 52? I never heard of that movie."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "It was when DC revamped their entire comic line! How could you not have heard of it?!"
Cool Comic Book Fan: "Oh, I see. I don't read the comics."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "Well, take my word for it. Duke Smith is boring."
Cool Comic Book Fan: "Yeah. I never liked Batwing either."
I didn't mean to write any of that. I didn't even mean to write anything at all about this comic book (which I guess I still haven't so good job, me!). I just wanted to point out that this series is only three issues long. Finally, DC Comics is listening to my advice! Their obsession with six issue long mini-series has been destroying the quality of those series. Most of them have only really had enough story to justify a three issue length arc at most anyway.
Batman and the Signal #2 Rating: When will writers learn that this kind of origin story doesn't work? Just because Snyder and Patrick declare that Duke Thomas is the culmination of thousands of years of planning and is now center of everything happening in Gotham (and probably the universe), it doesn't mean the reader will suddenly find the character interesting. "Oh! So he's super important! That's awesome!" is a thing nobody ever says. They might roll their eyes so hard teenagers everywhere can feel a disturbance in the angst. But nobody but online comic book reviewers who type their reviews with their erect phalluses will ever be impressed by opening a packet of Instant Importance on a dull character. You don't need to make a minority character super powerful or reveal how they're incredibly important to the scheme of everything to drive up their popularity so you can point to your diverse line of other non-Batman, non-Superman, and non-Wonder Woman characters. All you have to do is make them interesting, dum-dums!
Not that I think Superman and Wonder Woman are themselves terribly interesting. Which proves the point that making a character super powerful and important to DC continuity doesn't automatically make them worth reading. But Superman and Wonder Woman have, at times, been quite interesting. Do that more, DC. With all your stupid characters. Or just some of them. Or maybe just one of them at least?
Justice League #39
By Priest, Churchill, and Sollazzo
Oh wait. I see the problem. Never mind.
Comic Book Reviews!
Hit-Girl #1
By Millar and Lopez Ortiz
The unexpected and exciting conceit of this comic book is that a young girl has the skill to murder dozens of well-armed and experienced men. To make it even more unbelievable, this takes place in a comic book universe that isn't a comic book universe at all but more like the universe that we believe exists. If it were a superhero universe, the reader would react by yawning and saying, "Seen it." But since it's a regular old universe, the reader gasps in amazement and screams, "Can you believe that this little girl can murder so ruthlessly and efficiently?!" To which the answer should be, "Well, no," followed by the reader throwing the comic book in the garbage can.
If I had written this comic book, leaving all these conceits intact, I would have made Hit-Girl about a set of quintuplets. But they would never attack in force. They would attack one at a time and when one was getting in trouble, she'd duck out and hide while one of her sisters attacked from a new angle. I would also have a few of them die to show how realistic and even more realistic my story was from the one that Millar actually published. The problem with the Millar Universe is that it's supposed to be realistic which simply causes it to seem even more unrealistic than most comic book universes. I'd sooner believe a man could have a skeleton made of a fake nerd metal than I'd believe a tween girl could murder dozens and dozens of well-armed bad guys. Maybe I should reread the part of the story where Hit-Girl's father trained her to such a high degree of skill that the reader thinks, "Oh yeah. That makes sense then."
Now you're probably thinking, "If you have such a problem with the premise of this comic book, why did you buy the sequel?" That question is easy to answer: I love seeing little girls murder people! Which is a good reason to like this book because Hit-Girl loves murdering people. And it's acceptable murder because she only murders non-ambiguously bad people. Although in this issue, she's hired one of those guys to be her sidekick. I don't think that will be a problem because she'll almost certainly murder him by the end.
Hit-Girl #1 Rating: I'm not a huge fan of the art in this issue. The style straddles the line between poorly done mainstream art and flood the markets with as much as you can Manga. So the worst of two worlds combined into one disgusting snack. The story is also a bit flat. It's just Hit-Girl trying to satiate both her bloodlust and her loneliness. For those of you who can't quite wrap your mind around cheering for a murderous little psychopath, this story gives you a bit of an out with a person you can root for: the woman in Colombia who hired Hit-Girl. She's sympathetic because she vocalizes how hard it was to hire a monster as a necessary means to avenge the death of her son in the gang-riddled streets of whatever the capital of Colombia is. Is it Ecuador? Anyway, she's the good person in this story, I guess. Except she hired an assassin so how good can she really be? I bet she gets hers in the end as well.
Batman and the Signal #2
By Snyder, Patrick, Hamner, and Martin
I don't give a fuck about Meadowlark or whatever this not-Robin's name actually is. He hasn't been interesting since he was introduced. Of course I don't remember when that was because he's so not interesting. The most interesting thing about him was that nobody knew what his superhero name was. But that just made things confusing because people would want to talk about how uninteresting he was.
Comic Book Reading Loser: "Hey, how lame is that Duke kid in Batman?"
Cool Comic Book Fan: "You mean Batwing?"
Comic Book Reading Loser: "No. That's Luke. I mean Duke. Batman's sidekick. I think."
Cool Comic Book Fan: "Oh, Robin. There isn't a Robin named Duke."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "I know. The point of Duke is that he isn't allowed to be Robin. But Batman lets him hang out because Batman realized he had a diversity problem in the Bat-Family."
Cool Comic Book Fan: "Oh, is he black? You must be thinking of Batwing."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "No! That's Luke! Christ. Duke was the one from the Futures End story. The Zero Year kid."
Cool Comic Book Fan: "What is Futures End? Year Zero? I must have missed those cartoons."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "The big New 52 event from a few years ago?"
Cool Comic Book Fan: "The New 52? I never heard of that movie."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "It was when DC revamped their entire comic line! How could you not have heard of it?!"
Cool Comic Book Fan: "Oh, I see. I don't read the comics."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "Well, take my word for it. Duke Smith is boring."
Cool Comic Book Fan: "Yeah. I never liked Batwing either."
I didn't mean to write any of that. I didn't even mean to write anything at all about this comic book (which I guess I still haven't so good job, me!). I just wanted to point out that this series is only three issues long. Finally, DC Comics is listening to my advice! Their obsession with six issue long mini-series has been destroying the quality of those series. Most of them have only really had enough story to justify a three issue length arc at most anyway.
Batman and the Signal #2 Rating: When will writers learn that this kind of origin story doesn't work? Just because Snyder and Patrick declare that Duke Thomas is the culmination of thousands of years of planning and is now center of everything happening in Gotham (and probably the universe), it doesn't mean the reader will suddenly find the character interesting. "Oh! So he's super important! That's awesome!" is a thing nobody ever says. They might roll their eyes so hard teenagers everywhere can feel a disturbance in the angst. But nobody but online comic book reviewers who type their reviews with their erect phalluses will ever be impressed by opening a packet of Instant Importance on a dull character. You don't need to make a minority character super powerful or reveal how they're incredibly important to the scheme of everything to drive up their popularity so you can point to your diverse line of other non-Batman, non-Superman, and non-Wonder Woman characters. All you have to do is make them interesting, dum-dums!
Not that I think Superman and Wonder Woman are themselves terribly interesting. Which proves the point that making a character super powerful and important to DC continuity doesn't automatically make them worth reading. But Superman and Wonder Woman have, at times, been quite interesting. Do that more, DC. With all your stupid characters. Or just some of them. Or maybe just one of them at least?
Justice League #39
By Priest, Churchill, and Sollazzo
Speaking of uninteresting characters!
I can't think of a single Cyborg story where the writer pulled me in and made me care about what happens to him. Remember when Marv Wolfman made Cyborg a non-talking, brain-dead pile of spare toaster parts for like five years? That was five years he could have been working on Cyborg's personality! Possibly the only interesting version of Cyborg is from the Teen Titans cartoon and his character is defined mostly by ravenous snacking.
Cyborg is now the leader of the Justice League. DC probably thinks that will make him more popular. But they should remember what happened when Aquaman made Martian Manhunter the leader of the Justice League and dropped Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman. Remember how popular that made Martian Manhunter? So popular that the book was cancelled not long after! I mean, I suppose I should really be laying the blame on Aquaman since he's the idiot who disbanded the Justice League and hired a bunch of non-union scabs to run the show. Also he sucks.
Although bringing up Justice League Detroit just proves my initial premise because the characters in that series (particularly Vibe) were mostly poorly done stereotypes. And none of them (particularly Steel) were even slightly interesting. Although what was to be expected when you allow the most boring member of the Justice League, Aquaman, to pick the new team?!
Justice League #39 Rating: It turns out the Justice League is racist and everybody wants to sue them. Especially that Superman. Fucker ignores all the racial injustice in the world while passing as a white human being. It's disgusting. At least Batman cradles a black baby at one point because he gets it. Or, as a billionaire, he understands photo opportunities better than the rest. I'm sure Jess or Simon would have been less racially careless than the rest of the group (who were only interested in saving white people and white property) but they were pulled away at the last minute by Martian Manhunter who needed the minorities on the Justice League to deal with a sensitive racial crisis at the other end of the universe. He even tried to get Cyborg to come along but Cyborg was all, "I'm the leader now! I can't...wait. Why do you keep yawning and looking at your wrist?"
It is weird that the Justice League decided to save all of the rich white people in Estes Park North when the train carrying every single specific chemical that when mixed will destroy all of humankind everywhere crashed in Estes Park West where all the poor black people live. You would think they would evacuate the people from the west side first. But then you were also probably under the impression that the Justice League wasn't racist. Obviously they are though since they have power and a certain amount of authority. Of course they're going to abuse it to help maintain the status quo. They aren't even conscious they're doing it which is exactly the problem Priest is getting at! I'm sure glad Priest has the balls to deal with the racism problem that's existed in the Justice League for decades. Finally, the Justice League will get some reverse justice, the bastards!
Anyway, I get that this story is commentary on systemic racism and how even the most seemingly right-minded people can fall into simply accepting the way things have always been. I get that. But the Justice League is a fictional group of people in power. They're supposed to be a shining example of who we can be. On my other hand (which totally isn't doing what you think it's doing, you pervert), flawed characters are more interesting and have the potential to tell better morality tales. So Priest is using a team that we all expect to be ideal citizens to show that even the most kind and upstanding members of our community can be blind to their faults. The shining example that we expect from the Justice League will come in the second half of the story where they examine that blindness and take account of their actions. We will see them make a real attempt to be better. And that is the story that Priest believes the audience needs. At one time in my life, I would have scoffed at that. I really did think, at some point in the past, that comic book readers were less likely to be prejudiced and racist assholes. I have no idea why I thought that. We've had plenty of evidence to the contrary to wake me from my naïve stupor. Every time some white male character gets traded out for a minority character, a large percentage of fanboys simply lose their shit. I imagine they'll lose their shit over this story too. And for many of the reasons that I made fun of in my whimsical, facetious tone describing the book in the preceding paragraphs. Also some of those comments were deadly serious because I'm on record as hating comic books where the heroes are being attacked and called out by the people they're supposed to be protecting. But what if they don't realize they're favoring a certain segment of the population with their protection? Which is why Priest is writing this story and why it's arguably necessary.
The main problem here is that I'm not the one to argue its necessity. I'm the jester. I'm the fool. I make dumb jokes. Somebody (perhaps Véronique Emma Houxbois?) will probably write an eloquent essay about this book but it won't be me. Mostly because I'd need to reread it and I always fall asleep reading Cyborg stories.
Batman: Sins of the Father #1
By Gage, Ienco, and Major
This series is based on the Telltale Batman game. I never played it but, working back through the clues in this story, it seems the plot dealt with Thomas Wayne being a monster who worked with Carmine Falcone. Thomas would drive rivals crazy with drugs and stick them in Arkham Asylum. When all of this came to light, it threatened to destroy Wayne Enterprises and the Wayne legacy. The only bright spot left in Bruce's past is that his mother was the one who exposed Thomas's crimes and that she continued her philanthropic and charitable nature throughout.
Most of that premise drives me crazy. Some writer always wants to create some dark twist in a hero's past for easy drama. But I must say, I wasn't expecting this comic book that deals with the aftermath of that story to be truer to the character of Batman than a lot of the canonical Batman comics. In this issue, Bruce is sued by the families hurt by his father's crimes. Instead of letting the board of his company declare bankruptcy, he chooses to settle with everybody harmed and create Wayne Enterprise trusts for their families. He chooses sacrifice to honor his mother while atoning for his father's crimes. And finally, he decides to investigate the matter to find even more victims to help.
While meeting with ex-employees of Arkham that might know something about his father's crimes, one of them is sniped. Bruce dons the Batman costume to save the day and realizes he's chasing the most accurate sniper in the history of everything. In this universe, it's Deadshot's first appearance and in the few panels he appears, he, too, is written more interestingly than he's been written since Ostrander had his hands on him.
Also, Batman has a good working relationship with the Gotham Police. Why the fuck can't this be a regular thing? Oh, I remember why. Because it doesn't create easy drama for lazy writers.
Batman: Sins of the Father #1 Rating: I was pleasantly surprised by this comic book. From the first panel, I was expecting to be bored and already hating it. But it won me over. You know how hard it is to win me over? I mean without giving me Oreos. It's . . . well, you know what? It's probably not as hard as I want it to appear. I'm a fucking pushover, really. This entire comic book could have been terrible but if they had just put in one panel of Lobo looking at the new tattoo of Ambush Bug on Supergirl's bum, I'd be all, "Best comic book I ever read! The greatest of all time! I'm coming in my pants!"
Damage #2
By Daniel, Venditti, Miki, and Morey
I must have gotten brain damage from some event that I've forgotten due to the brain damage. It's the only reason I can come up with for why I purchased the second issue of this comic book. Maybe there was a small part of me that wanted to see the Suicide Squad get their asses kicked. And since none of them ever die in their own series, maybe one of them might die here!
Tony S. Daniel doesn't disappoint his fans by including a two page splash on pages two and three. It always makes for a more exciting comic book even when, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "This is really cutting into how much story I'm getting for my three dollars! Does DC know that I can go to a used book store and buy one or two novel length stories for this same price?!"
Venditti must love this gig. So far he's turned in two scripts that were probably each two pages longs. Both issues were mostly just a bunch of fight scenes. I suppose this one had a call to Damage's mother so the readers can begin to feel some kind of empathy for the monster. "Oh look! He has a mother! Poor thing!"
Damage #2 Ranking: I tried not to think the entire time, "This is just the Hulk or Doomsday!" Instead, I thought the entire time, "This is just the Hulk or Doomsday!" At least I didn't make the same mistake I made with this comic with Sideways by purchasing its second issue. I definitely will not be buying Issue #3 of this which will be eighteen pages of Doomsday fighting Wonder Woman. I mean Hulk fighting Wonder Woman.
The Hellblazer #19
By Seeley, Fabbri, Dalla Vecchia, and Strachan
I was going to read this without commenting and then I saw Tim Seeley was now writing it. My next thought was, "I'll comment on it after I've read it." But then I started to read it and Constantine's slang was the kind of British that comes from an American writer trying to write a British voice but never having really been immersed in the British vocabulary. And then the woman Constantine was saving said she had been going to a "hen party" instead of a "hen do" and I couldn't help myself. I had to put the comic book down and begin typing a rant about the truly most insignificant thing a person reading a comic book could be upset by, especially when "hen party" is almost certainly just as acceptable as "hen do!" What's worse is that the entire time I was thinking, "This art is terrible." But I never feel passionate enough about complaining about the art unless it's so horrendous that it becomes entertaining. Plus a person on Tumblr once read one of my reviews about an artist and said, "I'd love to see how the blogger draws." So now before I critique an artist, I have to think, "Is this better than drawing a stick figure with genitals?" If the answer is yes, I can't offer any criticism.
Looking for that Tumblr quote, I just had to reread dozens of posts where people called me an idiot because too many people in this world are composed primarily of earnestness. They have no ability to discern facetiousness or whimsy or mock anger for effect. I'd like to ask "When did young people get so serious?" but I feel like the answer has something to do with how many of them are getting shot while in school. And I'm not capable of discussing anything seriously so if I bring up school shootings, I'm going to wind up making a terrible joke in super poor taste (although it would probably be really funny).
Being called an idiot dozens of times stemmed from the time I criticized Batwing #12 in my typically over-the-top and angry fashion. That same review ends like this: "Batwing #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ha ha! Look at how much I can bitch and still enjoy reading a comic book! What the fuck is wrong with me?" It's like I provided the argument for all of their criticism before I even knew I would be criticized! Grandmaster Comic Book Reviewer!
By the end, Tim Seeley introduces The Huntress into this book. So when is this book's name going to change back from The Hellblazer to Grayson? I mean Constantine?
The Hellblazer #19 Rating: Who else is sick of this comic book being called "The" Hellblazer?! Maybe next time Constantine's comic book gets rebooted, DC can call it "A Hellblazer." I should submit a script for my version, "On Hellblazer." It won't have any art and will be twenty pages of me discussing how stupid "The Hellblazer" sounds. I guess I should rework the title to "On The Hellblazer."
Raven: Daughter of Darkness #2
By Wolfman, Mhan, and Kindzierski
It's becoming more and more evident that DC Comics treasures loyalty more than quality. Why else do they keep putting out comic books written by people who haven't written a good comic book since before most of the people currently reading comic books were born? I'm not sure Wolfman's written a good comic book since before I was born and I was born in 1971. I haven't read much by Neal Adams but I'll assume that he did some good work after that point because I've heard about the series he and Denny O'Neil wrote about Hal and Oliver's romantic trip across the country. Supposedly it was way ahead of its time because it dealt with gentrification, labor rights, and homosexual three-ways involving a little blue alien.
Raven: Daughter of Darkness #2 Rating: I have no idea what I just read. I mean, I could answer a quiz based on the plot. But I might have a bit of trouble with the essay question asking about the theme. I only purchased this comic book because I can't seem to break the habit of buying terrible comic books just to write about them. But I'm not writing about every individual comic book the way I used to. That means I don't have to purchase Issue #3! Way to solve the absolute least of all of my problems, logic!
Detective Comics #975
By Tynion IV, Martinez, Fernandez, and Anderson
While reading this, I realized that I hate Bruce Wayne's reason for becoming Batman. I hate how politicians and lawmakers constantly try to pass laws that will prevent death and tragedy whenever some single incident blows up the news cycle. They all rush to be the first legislator to introduce a bill declaring that the terrible thing that just happened will never happen again. It's putting on hard hats to survive a coming tsunami. Death and tragedy happen. And of course we should try to prevent those tragedies which are preventable. But when you have legislators instantly deciding to put forth a law to keep one more dog from dying on an airplane while completely ignoring this country's problem with gun violence, how can you not become a cynical son of a bitch? We have a government that has decided that regulations which protect citizens are oppressive if they lower the bottom line for any corporation. Nobody seems to care about the greater good. They only care about themselves.
So how does that relate to Batman? Well, he began his journey just like a bill to stop another dog from dying on an airline. His parents were killed senselessly so he passed the Batman Law to prevent something like that from ever happening again. It's purely selfish. And while I agree that it could be a move to increase the greater good, it seems most Batman writers don't approach it that way. Like Tynion in this issue. Batman is less concerned with the fact that Batwoman probably saved hundreds of lives by killing an out of control Clayface. All Batman cares about is that she broke his rules. Batman has decided to embrace his system more than the reason that system exists. It's to save people.
Sure, he was trying to save Clayface. But why should Clayface's life count more than the hundreds of lives he was endangering? It's definitely possible not killing Clayface wouldn't have resulted in any more deaths. But should Batman take that risk when he's seen Gotham citizens die by the dozens every time some criminal thinks up a plan to irritate Batman? Does Batman think the life of the man who killed his parents shouldn't have been taken if somebody had had a shot to save them?
It's a lot of Monday morning quarterbacking (unless it was Monday Night Football and then it's whatever the day after Monday is morning quarterbacking). But that's the point. Batman gets to judge Batwoman after the fact. She either killed a man or saved hundreds of lives. Batman can't seem to believe that she, in fact, did both.
Detective Comics #975 Rating: I can finally say I enjoyed a comic book written by Tynion. I think he did an admirable job with the voices of the Bat-kids and their takes on Batwoman's actions. I agreed with Red Hood the most which is why I'll be eviscerating myself the second I hit send on this Newsletter.
Cyborg is now the leader of the Justice League. DC probably thinks that will make him more popular. But they should remember what happened when Aquaman made Martian Manhunter the leader of the Justice League and dropped Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman. Remember how popular that made Martian Manhunter? So popular that the book was cancelled not long after! I mean, I suppose I should really be laying the blame on Aquaman since he's the idiot who disbanded the Justice League and hired a bunch of non-union scabs to run the show. Also he sucks.
Although bringing up Justice League Detroit just proves my initial premise because the characters in that series (particularly Vibe) were mostly poorly done stereotypes. And none of them (particularly Steel) were even slightly interesting. Although what was to be expected when you allow the most boring member of the Justice League, Aquaman, to pick the new team?!
Justice League #39 Rating: It turns out the Justice League is racist and everybody wants to sue them. Especially that Superman. Fucker ignores all the racial injustice in the world while passing as a white human being. It's disgusting. At least Batman cradles a black baby at one point because he gets it. Or, as a billionaire, he understands photo opportunities better than the rest. I'm sure Jess or Simon would have been less racially careless than the rest of the group (who were only interested in saving white people and white property) but they were pulled away at the last minute by Martian Manhunter who needed the minorities on the Justice League to deal with a sensitive racial crisis at the other end of the universe. He even tried to get Cyborg to come along but Cyborg was all, "I'm the leader now! I can't...wait. Why do you keep yawning and looking at your wrist?"
It is weird that the Justice League decided to save all of the rich white people in Estes Park North when the train carrying every single specific chemical that when mixed will destroy all of humankind everywhere crashed in Estes Park West where all the poor black people live. You would think they would evacuate the people from the west side first. But then you were also probably under the impression that the Justice League wasn't racist. Obviously they are though since they have power and a certain amount of authority. Of course they're going to abuse it to help maintain the status quo. They aren't even conscious they're doing it which is exactly the problem Priest is getting at! I'm sure glad Priest has the balls to deal with the racism problem that's existed in the Justice League for decades. Finally, the Justice League will get some reverse justice, the bastards!
Anyway, I get that this story is commentary on systemic racism and how even the most seemingly right-minded people can fall into simply accepting the way things have always been. I get that. But the Justice League is a fictional group of people in power. They're supposed to be a shining example of who we can be. On my other hand (which totally isn't doing what you think it's doing, you pervert), flawed characters are more interesting and have the potential to tell better morality tales. So Priest is using a team that we all expect to be ideal citizens to show that even the most kind and upstanding members of our community can be blind to their faults. The shining example that we expect from the Justice League will come in the second half of the story where they examine that blindness and take account of their actions. We will see them make a real attempt to be better. And that is the story that Priest believes the audience needs. At one time in my life, I would have scoffed at that. I really did think, at some point in the past, that comic book readers were less likely to be prejudiced and racist assholes. I have no idea why I thought that. We've had plenty of evidence to the contrary to wake me from my naïve stupor. Every time some white male character gets traded out for a minority character, a large percentage of fanboys simply lose their shit. I imagine they'll lose their shit over this story too. And for many of the reasons that I made fun of in my whimsical, facetious tone describing the book in the preceding paragraphs. Also some of those comments were deadly serious because I'm on record as hating comic books where the heroes are being attacked and called out by the people they're supposed to be protecting. But what if they don't realize they're favoring a certain segment of the population with their protection? Which is why Priest is writing this story and why it's arguably necessary.
The main problem here is that I'm not the one to argue its necessity. I'm the jester. I'm the fool. I make dumb jokes. Somebody (perhaps Véronique Emma Houxbois?) will probably write an eloquent essay about this book but it won't be me. Mostly because I'd need to reread it and I always fall asleep reading Cyborg stories.
Batman: Sins of the Father #1
By Gage, Ienco, and Major
This series is based on the Telltale Batman game. I never played it but, working back through the clues in this story, it seems the plot dealt with Thomas Wayne being a monster who worked with Carmine Falcone. Thomas would drive rivals crazy with drugs and stick them in Arkham Asylum. When all of this came to light, it threatened to destroy Wayne Enterprises and the Wayne legacy. The only bright spot left in Bruce's past is that his mother was the one who exposed Thomas's crimes and that she continued her philanthropic and charitable nature throughout.
Most of that premise drives me crazy. Some writer always wants to create some dark twist in a hero's past for easy drama. But I must say, I wasn't expecting this comic book that deals with the aftermath of that story to be truer to the character of Batman than a lot of the canonical Batman comics. In this issue, Bruce is sued by the families hurt by his father's crimes. Instead of letting the board of his company declare bankruptcy, he chooses to settle with everybody harmed and create Wayne Enterprise trusts for their families. He chooses sacrifice to honor his mother while atoning for his father's crimes. And finally, he decides to investigate the matter to find even more victims to help.
While meeting with ex-employees of Arkham that might know something about his father's crimes, one of them is sniped. Bruce dons the Batman costume to save the day and realizes he's chasing the most accurate sniper in the history of everything. In this universe, it's Deadshot's first appearance and in the few panels he appears, he, too, is written more interestingly than he's been written since Ostrander had his hands on him.
Also, Batman has a good working relationship with the Gotham Police. Why the fuck can't this be a regular thing? Oh, I remember why. Because it doesn't create easy drama for lazy writers.
Batman: Sins of the Father #1 Rating: I was pleasantly surprised by this comic book. From the first panel, I was expecting to be bored and already hating it. But it won me over. You know how hard it is to win me over? I mean without giving me Oreos. It's . . . well, you know what? It's probably not as hard as I want it to appear. I'm a fucking pushover, really. This entire comic book could have been terrible but if they had just put in one panel of Lobo looking at the new tattoo of Ambush Bug on Supergirl's bum, I'd be all, "Best comic book I ever read! The greatest of all time! I'm coming in my pants!"
Damage #2
By Daniel, Venditti, Miki, and Morey
I must have gotten brain damage from some event that I've forgotten due to the brain damage. It's the only reason I can come up with for why I purchased the second issue of this comic book. Maybe there was a small part of me that wanted to see the Suicide Squad get their asses kicked. And since none of them ever die in their own series, maybe one of them might die here!
Tony S. Daniel doesn't disappoint his fans by including a two page splash on pages two and three. It always makes for a more exciting comic book even when, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "This is really cutting into how much story I'm getting for my three dollars! Does DC know that I can go to a used book store and buy one or two novel length stories for this same price?!"
Venditti must love this gig. So far he's turned in two scripts that were probably each two pages longs. Both issues were mostly just a bunch of fight scenes. I suppose this one had a call to Damage's mother so the readers can begin to feel some kind of empathy for the monster. "Oh look! He has a mother! Poor thing!"
Damage #2 Ranking: I tried not to think the entire time, "This is just the Hulk or Doomsday!" Instead, I thought the entire time, "This is just the Hulk or Doomsday!" At least I didn't make the same mistake I made with this comic with Sideways by purchasing its second issue. I definitely will not be buying Issue #3 of this which will be eighteen pages of Doomsday fighting Wonder Woman. I mean Hulk fighting Wonder Woman.
The Hellblazer #19
By Seeley, Fabbri, Dalla Vecchia, and Strachan
I was going to read this without commenting and then I saw Tim Seeley was now writing it. My next thought was, "I'll comment on it after I've read it." But then I started to read it and Constantine's slang was the kind of British that comes from an American writer trying to write a British voice but never having really been immersed in the British vocabulary. And then the woman Constantine was saving said she had been going to a "hen party" instead of a "hen do" and I couldn't help myself. I had to put the comic book down and begin typing a rant about the truly most insignificant thing a person reading a comic book could be upset by, especially when "hen party" is almost certainly just as acceptable as "hen do!" What's worse is that the entire time I was thinking, "This art is terrible." But I never feel passionate enough about complaining about the art unless it's so horrendous that it becomes entertaining. Plus a person on Tumblr once read one of my reviews about an artist and said, "I'd love to see how the blogger draws." So now before I critique an artist, I have to think, "Is this better than drawing a stick figure with genitals?" If the answer is yes, I can't offer any criticism.
Looking for that Tumblr quote, I just had to reread dozens of posts where people called me an idiot because too many people in this world are composed primarily of earnestness. They have no ability to discern facetiousness or whimsy or mock anger for effect. I'd like to ask "When did young people get so serious?" but I feel like the answer has something to do with how many of them are getting shot while in school. And I'm not capable of discussing anything seriously so if I bring up school shootings, I'm going to wind up making a terrible joke in super poor taste (although it would probably be really funny).
Being called an idiot dozens of times stemmed from the time I criticized Batwing #12 in my typically over-the-top and angry fashion. That same review ends like this: "Batwing #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ha ha! Look at how much I can bitch and still enjoy reading a comic book! What the fuck is wrong with me?" It's like I provided the argument for all of their criticism before I even knew I would be criticized! Grandmaster Comic Book Reviewer!
By the end, Tim Seeley introduces The Huntress into this book. So when is this book's name going to change back from The Hellblazer to Grayson? I mean Constantine?
The Hellblazer #19 Rating: Who else is sick of this comic book being called "The" Hellblazer?! Maybe next time Constantine's comic book gets rebooted, DC can call it "A Hellblazer." I should submit a script for my version, "On Hellblazer." It won't have any art and will be twenty pages of me discussing how stupid "The Hellblazer" sounds. I guess I should rework the title to "On The Hellblazer."
Raven: Daughter of Darkness #2
By Wolfman, Mhan, and Kindzierski
It's becoming more and more evident that DC Comics treasures loyalty more than quality. Why else do they keep putting out comic books written by people who haven't written a good comic book since before most of the people currently reading comic books were born? I'm not sure Wolfman's written a good comic book since before I was born and I was born in 1971. I haven't read much by Neal Adams but I'll assume that he did some good work after that point because I've heard about the series he and Denny O'Neil wrote about Hal and Oliver's romantic trip across the country. Supposedly it was way ahead of its time because it dealt with gentrification, labor rights, and homosexual three-ways involving a little blue alien.
Raven: Daughter of Darkness #2 Rating: I have no idea what I just read. I mean, I could answer a quiz based on the plot. But I might have a bit of trouble with the essay question asking about the theme. I only purchased this comic book because I can't seem to break the habit of buying terrible comic books just to write about them. But I'm not writing about every individual comic book the way I used to. That means I don't have to purchase Issue #3! Way to solve the absolute least of all of my problems, logic!
Detective Comics #975
By Tynion IV, Martinez, Fernandez, and Anderson
While reading this, I realized that I hate Bruce Wayne's reason for becoming Batman. I hate how politicians and lawmakers constantly try to pass laws that will prevent death and tragedy whenever some single incident blows up the news cycle. They all rush to be the first legislator to introduce a bill declaring that the terrible thing that just happened will never happen again. It's putting on hard hats to survive a coming tsunami. Death and tragedy happen. And of course we should try to prevent those tragedies which are preventable. But when you have legislators instantly deciding to put forth a law to keep one more dog from dying on an airplane while completely ignoring this country's problem with gun violence, how can you not become a cynical son of a bitch? We have a government that has decided that regulations which protect citizens are oppressive if they lower the bottom line for any corporation. Nobody seems to care about the greater good. They only care about themselves.
So how does that relate to Batman? Well, he began his journey just like a bill to stop another dog from dying on an airline. His parents were killed senselessly so he passed the Batman Law to prevent something like that from ever happening again. It's purely selfish. And while I agree that it could be a move to increase the greater good, it seems most Batman writers don't approach it that way. Like Tynion in this issue. Batman is less concerned with the fact that Batwoman probably saved hundreds of lives by killing an out of control Clayface. All Batman cares about is that she broke his rules. Batman has decided to embrace his system more than the reason that system exists. It's to save people.
Sure, he was trying to save Clayface. But why should Clayface's life count more than the hundreds of lives he was endangering? It's definitely possible not killing Clayface wouldn't have resulted in any more deaths. But should Batman take that risk when he's seen Gotham citizens die by the dozens every time some criminal thinks up a plan to irritate Batman? Does Batman think the life of the man who killed his parents shouldn't have been taken if somebody had had a shot to save them?
It's a lot of Monday morning quarterbacking (unless it was Monday Night Football and then it's whatever the day after Monday is morning quarterbacking). But that's the point. Batman gets to judge Batwoman after the fact. She either killed a man or saved hundreds of lives. Batman can't seem to believe that she, in fact, did both.
Detective Comics #975 Rating: I can finally say I enjoyed a comic book written by Tynion. I think he did an admirable job with the voices of the Bat-kids and their takes on Batwoman's actions. I agreed with Red Hood the most which is why I'll be eviscerating myself the second I hit send on this Newsletter.
Pickle Boy Comics!
I have decided to bring back this old feature from the Places & Predators website. It's where my writing assistant and sandwich maker, Pickle Boy, thinks up an idea for a comic and then I draw it. Unfortunately, his first comic for the return of Pickle Boy Comics was too ambiguous for me: "Trump with his arm up the Statue of Liberty's ass up to his elbow screaming, 'MAGA!'" People probably see me as being slightly critical of Trump and I couldn't, with good conscience, draw a comic that portrays him in a decent light. I understand that Pickle Boy's comic might be trying to express a harsh criticism of him in that he's anally fisting America. But isn't it also a good thing if you're into anal fisting? A person who loves anal fisting would see this comic and think I'm pro-Trump! I definitely couldn't live with that. So instead of drawing Pickle Boy's new idea, I'll just reprint my favorite comic we did from the old batch. And by "we," I mean me and Pickle Boy's kid. Pickle Boy didn't really help with this one.
Letters to Me!
KB writes: "Spam again! Will Thunderbird never learn?
I still make "Phil and Dixie" references that nobody gets, which is good, because if they did they'd probably avoid me. Whenever I always encounter one of those "what's wrong with this picture?" things, I always think in terms of, "the knight is chewing gum" and "the knight is wearing polyester underwear".
Phil Foglio did some entertaining work for DC in the 90s too, a "Stanley and his Monster" miniseries and an "Angel and the Ape" miniseries. He did a good job of playing the humor straight: more a matter of absurd situations carried out sensibly rather than pratfall-mongering. For example, as Stanley's monster is actually a demon (!) and gets sent back to hell at one point, the Phantom Stranger shows up to intercede ... but Stanley isn't allowed to talk to strangers, so a John Constantine pastiche has to serve as Stanley's guide.
[LINKS SHOWING THOSE PANELS REMOVED. SORRY!]
My reply: A Phil and Dixie reference? How do I block you from replying?! Actually, I'm just happy somebody probably read the Dragon magazine articles and thought, "Yeah, those are definitely not made up Dragon magazine articles." I should hang the Village of Hommlet poster in my office.
I was once developing a card game where I was beginning with no idea how to play but every card would reference something only Dungeons & Dragons nerds would understand. Here are two of the cards I made for it:
I still make "Phil and Dixie" references that nobody gets, which is good, because if they did they'd probably avoid me. Whenever I always encounter one of those "what's wrong with this picture?" things, I always think in terms of, "the knight is chewing gum" and "the knight is wearing polyester underwear".
Phil Foglio did some entertaining work for DC in the 90s too, a "Stanley and his Monster" miniseries and an "Angel and the Ape" miniseries. He did a good job of playing the humor straight: more a matter of absurd situations carried out sensibly rather than pratfall-mongering. For example, as Stanley's monster is actually a demon (!) and gets sent back to hell at one point, the Phantom Stranger shows up to intercede ... but Stanley isn't allowed to talk to strangers, so a John Constantine pastiche has to serve as Stanley's guide.
[LINKS SHOWING THOSE PANELS REMOVED. SORRY!]
My reply: A Phil and Dixie reference? How do I block you from replying?! Actually, I'm just happy somebody probably read the Dragon magazine articles and thought, "Yeah, those are definitely not made up Dragon magazine articles." I should hang the Village of Hommlet poster in my office.
I was once developing a card game where I was beginning with no idea how to play but every card would reference something only Dungeons & Dragons nerds would understand. Here are two of the cards I made for it:
Now I want to go back and read all the Phil and Dixie comics I can find. I'm surprised I never picked up Angel and the Ape (I don't remember Stanley and his Monster). I did read the Myth adventures and remember the Angel and the Ape comic when it was published. I think maybe I was a bit embarrassed to buy it, thinking it would be titillating in a way that the guy ringing up my comics would arch his eyebrow at. It's one of the reasons I stopped reading the Xanth books when the newest one was called The Color of Her Panties.
KB writes again: "My mom was fond of saying 'the unexamined life is not worth living'; it was her way of cutting people down while trying to sound all smarty-pantsier-than-thou. One of my sister's friends eventually had enough of this passive-aggressive sniping and responded with, 'Well the unlived life is not worth examining!' Good job MS, you know who you are."
My reply: I like this story a lot. I would like it even more if MS were a subscriber of this Newsletter.
KB continues: "About white people adopting black kids in sitcoms, let's call that out for what it is: the "enlightened" position that there's nothing inherently wrong with black kids except they usually have the bad luck to be raised by black parents. See also the 'Flash' comics where Wally West was a black teenager who was on the verge of following his inherent criminal instincts until a white man took him under his wing and taught him to love baseball. Verily we live in a post-racial paradise. (You know what would have been a better idea, besides damn near anything? Pre-Flashpoint, the word on Barry Allen was that he was a big fan of jazz and especially Charlie Parker. If they're going to go the route of save-a-black-kid-from-his-blackness, at least do so by introducing him to some black artistic geniuses. Anyway, it was Hal Jordan who was the big dumb baseball fan. This shouldn't be so hard for them to keep track of.)"
My reply: That's a salient point about white people thinking black children need to be saved from their own blackness. I'm trying to think of a way to segue into talking about a show that showed a poor black family in a good and realistic light, Good Times, but I can't figure it out so that was the segue. Remember when they wrote John Amos out of the show by killing him off? As a kid, I really thought the actor died and they just incorporated it into the show. Some part of me continues to believe that because I'm constantly surprised when he pops up somewhere. I didn't really have a father figure in my young life but his character James was always the father I would have liked to have. Even with the temper (perhaps because of the temper?); he radiated fatherhood.
I just watched the episode of Good Times where James brings a gun into the house and Michael hides it from him because of his temper. As the show was ending, I thought, "Did Happy Days ever do a gun episode?!"
KB continues: "I decided to devote one minute of my life to thinking of villainous ways to foil super-speed. Here's what I came up with:
1) Cut off their ability to see: smoke, for example.
2) Set off bombs by remote control, so the speedster can't just grab the bomb and throw it.
3) And the remote control shouldn't be a thing with a bright red button and an "off" switch. Maybe make it voice-activated, and don't tell the speedster that the bomb goes off when you say "avocado".
4) Some sort of weight-sensitive plate that, if the speedster steps off it, a bomb detonates at a remote location. (For extra fun, don't let the speedster know that there are additional sensors to detect him zooming off the pad and back with a mannequin and some cinder blocks.)
Basically, keep the speedster from knowing how to stop the bad guy, and super-speed gets less useful."
My reply: When you write things like this where you spend nearly no time thinking about it (or, subconsciously, you've actually spent the last forty years thinking about this?), it makes me realize even more clearly how terrible so many comic book writers are. Also, do you think it's appropriate to bring up that bomb stuff right now? Too soon, man.
KB writes again: "My mom was fond of saying 'the unexamined life is not worth living'; it was her way of cutting people down while trying to sound all smarty-pantsier-than-thou. One of my sister's friends eventually had enough of this passive-aggressive sniping and responded with, 'Well the unlived life is not worth examining!' Good job MS, you know who you are."
My reply: I like this story a lot. I would like it even more if MS were a subscriber of this Newsletter.
KB continues: "About white people adopting black kids in sitcoms, let's call that out for what it is: the "enlightened" position that there's nothing inherently wrong with black kids except they usually have the bad luck to be raised by black parents. See also the 'Flash' comics where Wally West was a black teenager who was on the verge of following his inherent criminal instincts until a white man took him under his wing and taught him to love baseball. Verily we live in a post-racial paradise. (You know what would have been a better idea, besides damn near anything? Pre-Flashpoint, the word on Barry Allen was that he was a big fan of jazz and especially Charlie Parker. If they're going to go the route of save-a-black-kid-from-his-blackness, at least do so by introducing him to some black artistic geniuses. Anyway, it was Hal Jordan who was the big dumb baseball fan. This shouldn't be so hard for them to keep track of.)"
My reply: That's a salient point about white people thinking black children need to be saved from their own blackness. I'm trying to think of a way to segue into talking about a show that showed a poor black family in a good and realistic light, Good Times, but I can't figure it out so that was the segue. Remember when they wrote John Amos out of the show by killing him off? As a kid, I really thought the actor died and they just incorporated it into the show. Some part of me continues to believe that because I'm constantly surprised when he pops up somewhere. I didn't really have a father figure in my young life but his character James was always the father I would have liked to have. Even with the temper (perhaps because of the temper?); he radiated fatherhood.
I just watched the episode of Good Times where James brings a gun into the house and Michael hides it from him because of his temper. As the show was ending, I thought, "Did Happy Days ever do a gun episode?!"
KB continues: "I decided to devote one minute of my life to thinking of villainous ways to foil super-speed. Here's what I came up with:
1) Cut off their ability to see: smoke, for example.
2) Set off bombs by remote control, so the speedster can't just grab the bomb and throw it.
3) And the remote control shouldn't be a thing with a bright red button and an "off" switch. Maybe make it voice-activated, and don't tell the speedster that the bomb goes off when you say "avocado".
4) Some sort of weight-sensitive plate that, if the speedster steps off it, a bomb detonates at a remote location. (For extra fun, don't let the speedster know that there are additional sensors to detect him zooming off the pad and back with a mannequin and some cinder blocks.)
Basically, keep the speedster from knowing how to stop the bad guy, and super-speed gets less useful."
My reply: When you write things like this where you spend nearly no time thinking about it (or, subconsciously, you've actually spent the last forty years thinking about this?), it makes me realize even more clearly how terrible so many comic book writers are. Also, do you think it's appropriate to bring up that bomb stuff right now? Too soon, man.
Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
Unmarked Helicopters by Soul Coughing
This song isn't the one where Soul Coughing takes the escalator to the mezzanine to have some Cinnabon-bon, Cinnabon-bon. It's still pretty good. It's off the album with music "inspired" by The X-Files. Unless The X-Files was inspired by these songs. It might be a chicken and the egg thing since Chris Carter decided to do this album when he heard Nick Cave's "Red Right Hand" while driving through Death Valley at night. That might be an apocryphal tale and probably is on a scale stronger than "might be." It might have been in the liner notes on the CD or it's just something I thought up in a dream. Does it really matter? Reality! What is it, really?! Also in the liner notes was the clue "Nick Cave and the Dirty Three remind you that zero is a number!" I tried listening to track 0 but it didn't work so I just thought the liner note writers were assholes. A year or two later while driving to Iowa with Aaron Coleman, we discussed this album and he said there was indeed a hidden track 0 but that some CD players weren't able to play it. So I've still never heard the song. Which I realize is stupid because the Internet is a thing that exists.
Grade: A.
In Heaven by The Pixies
This is that song from Eraserhead but sung more angrily. Black Francis screaming "In heaven, everything is fine" makes me think maybe he's not being totally honest about heaven. Is that the point of The Pixies' version? Maybe I'm supposed to think, "Dude. You so aren't in heaven." Or maybe Frank has just rendered into song the existential angst that drives some of us to open our bellies in an attempt to remove the taint of reality. That's probably it.
Grade: B+.
Little Dove by Faster Pussycat
This song might be about a guy who gets off on fucking cars. Or maybe the singer is a car that loves making women orgasm through its vibrations? It has the lyrics "Your high heeled river of love is drippin' down your thighs" so it can't be the worst song ever written, right? Or do those lyrics weight it toward being the worst song ever written? Sometimes it's hard to tell with 80s glam rock. Anyway, it's an 80s rock song about sex so it's pretty average.
Grade: C-.
Should I Be Loved by Blue October
I have my own floor cleaning business which means I spend a lot of time alone in closed stores in the middle of the night listening to my Nano. This also means that there exists a ton of security camera footage of me singing at the top of my lungs while buffing or waxing floors. This is one of the songs that I love to sing too loudly. I wish they had it at the Karaoke place I go to but the only Blue October song they have is 18th Floor Balcony and I'm not singing that "danced to it at our wedding" garbage.
Grade: A+.
November Rain by Guns 'n Roses
If you're of a certain age (probably five to ten years younger than I am), you'll remember this as the greatest video you have ever seen. If you're more my age, you'll remember the video as a reminder that the album is never going to come out. I might be remembering that wrong. Perhaps the album came out first. But I do remember seeing Guns 'n Roses on their "Use Your Illusion" tour before the two albums had even been released. It was kind of annoying. But not annoying enough for me to hate this song. This song is fucking cool, man.
Grade: A.
And that's a wrap on this week's newsletter! Goodbye, jerkos
This song isn't the one where Soul Coughing takes the escalator to the mezzanine to have some Cinnabon-bon, Cinnabon-bon. It's still pretty good. It's off the album with music "inspired" by The X-Files. Unless The X-Files was inspired by these songs. It might be a chicken and the egg thing since Chris Carter decided to do this album when he heard Nick Cave's "Red Right Hand" while driving through Death Valley at night. That might be an apocryphal tale and probably is on a scale stronger than "might be." It might have been in the liner notes on the CD or it's just something I thought up in a dream. Does it really matter? Reality! What is it, really?! Also in the liner notes was the clue "Nick Cave and the Dirty Three remind you that zero is a number!" I tried listening to track 0 but it didn't work so I just thought the liner note writers were assholes. A year or two later while driving to Iowa with Aaron Coleman, we discussed this album and he said there was indeed a hidden track 0 but that some CD players weren't able to play it. So I've still never heard the song. Which I realize is stupid because the Internet is a thing that exists.
Grade: A.
In Heaven by The Pixies
This is that song from Eraserhead but sung more angrily. Black Francis screaming "In heaven, everything is fine" makes me think maybe he's not being totally honest about heaven. Is that the point of The Pixies' version? Maybe I'm supposed to think, "Dude. You so aren't in heaven." Or maybe Frank has just rendered into song the existential angst that drives some of us to open our bellies in an attempt to remove the taint of reality. That's probably it.
Grade: B+.
Little Dove by Faster Pussycat
This song might be about a guy who gets off on fucking cars. Or maybe the singer is a car that loves making women orgasm through its vibrations? It has the lyrics "Your high heeled river of love is drippin' down your thighs" so it can't be the worst song ever written, right? Or do those lyrics weight it toward being the worst song ever written? Sometimes it's hard to tell with 80s glam rock. Anyway, it's an 80s rock song about sex so it's pretty average.
Grade: C-.
Should I Be Loved by Blue October
I have my own floor cleaning business which means I spend a lot of time alone in closed stores in the middle of the night listening to my Nano. This also means that there exists a ton of security camera footage of me singing at the top of my lungs while buffing or waxing floors. This is one of the songs that I love to sing too loudly. I wish they had it at the Karaoke place I go to but the only Blue October song they have is 18th Floor Balcony and I'm not singing that "danced to it at our wedding" garbage.
Grade: A+.
November Rain by Guns 'n Roses
If you're of a certain age (probably five to ten years younger than I am), you'll remember this as the greatest video you have ever seen. If you're more my age, you'll remember the video as a reminder that the album is never going to come out. I might be remembering that wrong. Perhaps the album came out first. But I do remember seeing Guns 'n Roses on their "Use Your Illusion" tour before the two albums had even been released. It was kind of annoying. But not annoying enough for me to hate this song. This song is fucking cool, man.
Grade: A.
And that's a wrap on this week's newsletter! Goodbye, jerkos
