Justice League Europe #44 (November 1992)

Look, we all know the guy in the armor is an old white real estate speculator who never had time for a wife.

Nothing about this cover makes sense. Why is Elongated Man using a magnifying glass to read a book? How does the ghost knight think he's going to harm Mr. Rubber with that poleaxe? And why did he have to get so close with it? Why is Hal Jordan running forward instead of just using his ring from the stairs? Why was Power Girl loitering in the dark stairwell with Hal Jordan?

I suppose all of those questions are really easy to answer because I'm not very good at trying to make a cover that makes perfect sense not make any sense. Obviously Hal Jordan isn't using his ring because the yellow torchlight reflecting off the armor makes it immune to his ring. And have you ever tried to read the writing in an old English book? Obviously you need a magnifying glass! And I'm betting Elongated Man can be harmed by a slashing weapon if it's sharp enough. And he got in close and choked up on the handle for a more accurate and powerful blow. And, lastly, Power Girl was giving Hal a blow job.

Now that I've answered all the stupid questions I pretended I had with this cover, I'll apologize to Ron and Randy. Your cover has no flaws. A+ effort.

At the end of the last issue, Amos Fortune used the probability of the Chunnel collapsing to win the biggest longshot in horse racing history. Scientifically speaking, this meant the Chunnel had to collapse, luck being a zero sum resource in the universe. Now the Justice League have to rescue all the construction workers digging the Chunnel without any indication that some villainous probability witch has caused this accident. I have no idea how they'll discover this was caused by a probability manipulation machine. I think Amos Fortune just got away with the perfect crime! No wait. I bet somebody will review a bunch of CCTV footage from all three "maritime" accidents and they'll recognize Amos Fortune with facial recognition software. Or whatever the 1992 version of those technologies is. Probably Sue spending fifteen hours reviewing a bunch of grainy black and white footage from security cameras on nearby fish and chips shops.

While the Justice League keep the Chunnel from collapsing and flooding the city, Sue Dibny questions the construction workers. Here how she questions them:

Sue: "I heard the Chunnel was perfectly safe. Lies!"
Construction Worker: "There was an earthquake!"
Sue: "And you didn't protect against that? Lazy!"
Construction Worker: "We did! But there's only so much you can prepare for!"
Sue: "Liar! All lies! No villainy here! Just incompetence!"

After this guy explains it all so logically and mathematically, Sue becomes suspicious!

Of course Sue is suspicious! If an event was improbable but it still happens, it must have been caused by nefarious agents! That's just logic! Mostly TikTok and YouTube logic, really. But still logical!

Is Sue going to follow up on the other recent "maritime" disasters and discover the odds of a pier collapsing and a casino boat sinking were astronomically against those events. That'll prove somebody is behind this. Or maybe she won't think about this conversation again until the tidal wave is about to wipe out London which is when she'll be all, "This reminds me of that dock worker who was really in probability! Maybe he was the actuary for the construction business's insurance company? Anyway, he said a tidal wave was so improbable that if one occurred, it would be super suspicious!"

You can tell Gerard Jones shoved in Sue's conversation because he was desperately thinking the same thing I was while reading last issue: how the fuck are the Justice League going to determine that these accidents were caused maliciously?! That question, many of you may already have noticed, just proves how truly ignorant I am of the DC Universe and the amazing detective abilities of characters like Batman, The Elongated Man, and Detective Chimp. Because it takes almost no time for everybody to put all of the pieces together.

So Amos Fortune's big mistake was doing all of his crimes near water?

I wouldn't blame Amos Fortune for this mistake of his. How could he have known that a collapsing pier, a sinking gambling ship, and the collapse of the Chunnel would all be reported by the BBC as "maritime disasters"? Even I, the smartest dumb guy in the world, would never have jumped to that conclusion! I'm surprised the collapsing pier even made the news! I was once canoeing somewhere in Northern California and we stopped at a little pier near a trailer park which had a small shop where we'd buy a bunch of Hostess pies to go with our cooler full of cheap beer. My friend Joseph came running down the hill and out onto the pier and crashed right through it. That didn't make the news! But then he also, luckily, didn't suffer any injuries like a pierced testicle or a different pierced testicle (no pun intended. If you can't find the pun, "pier" and "pierced"!). Which makes me believe those craps playing fishermen all died horribly in the accident.

That part about me being ignorant of the DC Universe mostly stems from the fact I didn't realize Amos Fortune was one of the Justice League's past nemeses. He should probably change his name if Hal Jordan is able to make the leap of logic between the "misfortunes" he causes and his name "Fortune." Why not Amos Notguilty? Unless that would just end in somebody saying, "Who could be guilty of this crime?" And then Hal Jordan would be all, "Or not guilty! Amos Notguilty!" Perhaps maybe just Amos Daisy then.

King Aquaman basically gloating over some enemy being piss poor.

Aquaman's argument that he was left in poverty ignores that Amos Fortune was a scientist that developed the technology to steal luck. It's probably been like thirty years since you went up against this guy, based on how boring and lame he is. He's had plenty of time to reinvent his wheel of fortune. But then, as royalty, his perspective on poverty has been skewed by years of being super rich and powerful.

The Justice League determine that Amos is escalating his gambling. So after a shitty little craps game, he bankrupts a floating casino playing blackjack. After that, he wins huge at the races. They all agree the only way he can escalate this any further is by going to Monte Carlo. My stupid brain wants to complain about this series of events but I'm finally getting a comic book story where the villain isn't actively bothering the heroes while also trying to commit his crimes unnoticed. And the Justice League have to use their heads to figure out where to find him and how to stop him. This issue is a huge fucking anomaly in comic books by 1992! Unless you were reading Shadow of the Bat. I think that one tried to be more "detective" based too. Or it was just Zzasz murdering Gothamites like crazy and Batman going, "I have to catch but not kill this maniac somehow!"

Amos Fortune arrives in Monte Carlo to place his millions of dollars in horserace winnings on "the famous roulette wheels of Monte Carlo." What makes them famous is how they'll accept any size bet, I think. Because why would roulette wheels be more famous just because they were in Monte Carlo? Because they had a cameo in a James Bond film? If he went to Las Vegas, he'd probably have to make dozens of smaller bets and then people would get suspicious if he kept winning every spin. Also the casino owners in Las Vegas would have him killed and buried in the desert the first time they saw him win four spins in a row at the maximum bet size. In Monte Carlo, they'll let any old idiot bet millions on one spin of roulette because the odds are so crazy that it's practically robbing the casino patron. And also they probably have billions of Monégasque francs in gold bars locked up in the basement. So who cares if one gambler in millions wins one big hit on their wheels? But also, they probably murder winners and dump them in the Mediterranean all the time.

"Your luck is magnificent, sir! But you shall not live to see morning!"

Amos Fortune's metaphor of luck being somebody ruining a toilet bowl with massive diarrhea has made him my favorite Justice League villain of all time. Even if it's only in my head that the metaphor was about shitting your guts out. Part of me understands he's talking about a tidal wave of water and not liquid shit. But I hate that part of me and I will fight against it until the day I die.

The Justice League phase through the wall on Lantern-created Pegasi like Valkyries descending on whatever Valkyries typically descend on. Cowardly Vikings? Brave Vikings? Anybody who isn't a Viking? Maybe I should learn more about Norse mythology before I try to make a Valkyrie analogy. The casino staff are all, "No no no! Do not start a fight in here! You can't afford the clean up, you American jerks!" But Hal Jordan is all, "We will not destroy your casino if Amos Fortune goes with us." And Amos Fortune is all, "Why should I, you stupid fucks? I'm gambling legally! All of my money on Black 13!"

Oh, well, when you explain it all away so scientifically, I guess you're in the clear, Amos! Good work! Carry on destroying everything to line your own pockets.

Dammit! Now I have to weigh Amos's pureblooded capitalism against the fact he made a metaphor that I pretended was better than it was to decide if I like him or not! Okay, so that isn't the Sophie's choice it sounded like in my head as I began writing it. The shit metaphor was all mine! Why am I giving that to Amos or Gerard Jones?! Obviously Amos Fortune is a fucking piece of shit. Just another typical billionaire who thinks the consequences of his disastrous way of life aren't any of his responsibility and should absolutely be paid with the lives of the less wealthy. He doesn't even realize he's confessing to malicious intent! He just thinks, "Oh, that's the way the economy works and I'm taking advantage of it. Nothing to do with me and my responsibilities! Go bother a real criminal, like a shoplifter or a desperate poor person breaking a window and stealing some bishop's bread."

The Flash, Power Girl, Elongated Man, and Doctor Light do not appreciate Amos taunting them with his logic so they trample the casino staff as they go to take him down. But he's already made the bet! If that wheel gets spun, it'll be the end of the world! I mean the end of the world for all the people who die in the tidal wave. That's how life works. You don't actually die alone. You take the whole fucking shebang with you. Philosophically, I mean. You know what I mean, right? I'm not talking to a bunch of ignorant dolts, am I? AM I?!

None of the heroes think, "I need to stop the ball from landing on a number in the roulette wheel!" Instead they all think, "I want to punch Amos Fortune in his smug face!" It's also possible that none of them could stop it because the bad luck already generated by Amos in the casino causes the Justice League to fall all over each other. Even Hal Jordan gets brained by a yellow chandelier that he has time to watch fall on his head while saying, "Yellow. What rotten luck," instead of, you know, grabbing a nearby green felt table and holding it over his head like Guy Gardner would have thought to do. So the ball lands in Black 13 and the entire casino begins to shake. Looks like a bunch of people are about to get thoroughly fucked by yet another rich asshole.

You know what? All the people about to die in Monte Carlo to this tidal wave are mostly rich assholes! So I'm not going to feel bad for those guys dying. But I will mourn the cabbies and doormen and bussers and maids.

Aquaman dives in the sea and talks to a dolphin who is all, "Yeah, this is gonna be a huge wave, buddy!" Which leaves it up to Hal Jordan to stop the tidal wave. But he's still dizzy from the chandelier! What kind of hero loses all of their power from a '40s slapstick movie accident?

Enh. What was he going to do anyway? Create a giant boxing glove so he could punch it?

Hal's idea to stop the wave is to put Amos Fortune in the path of the wave. That way all the good luck he's generated should cancel out the bad luck of drowning in a tidal wave. It works, creating another tidal wave going in the opposite direction which totally makes scientific sense so I won't even question it! The only problem (and it's only a problem for Amos) is that after using the luck to win and then also using the luck to save his own life to stop all of the bad luck, his Probability Machine short circuits and it's back to wandering around in poverty. The Justice League don't allow him to cash in the chips he won. They just haul him off to punish him. But I don't think he really broke any laws so I assume they're taking him to Superman so he can throw him into the Phantom Zone.

See this? There's a reason I'm constantly pointing out that Hal Jordan's go-to move is to smash people in the jaw.

Fucking Hal. Calling himself a "great one." But isn't Amos Fortune the epitome of somebody making their own luck? Is he great too, Hal? IS HE?!

Justice League Europe #44 Rating: A-. I have to give this issue credit for telling a story of a villain committing a "crime" which the Justice League actually had to figure out themselves. It's a rarity in comic books and I don't know who is to blame for basing most super hero comic book plots on villains attacking the heroes instead of heroes stopping villains from committing crimes. If I had to pull a random theory out of my ass, I'd blame it on the X-men comics. Because the X-men, ultimately, is about a school where mutants can find a safe haven from the bigotry of the world. But they have to keep defending themselves against that bigotry played out in a metaphor of super villain on super hero violence. And it was so successful, that DC began trying to emulate it. This is most notable in The New Titans where they rarely, if ever, actually battle to save the world from a threat that wasn't first and foremost a threat against one of their members. I didn't remember how much the Justice League comics pull from this wheelhouse until this re-read. But things like Despero attacking them specifically. Or Max Lord hiring the Royal Flush gang to attack. Or Dreamweaver of The Extremists trying to get revenge after the first defeat. There are others but my memory is a fucking sieve and my head is hurting trying to remember any of this re-read (which began like three years ago? What the fuck have I been doing?! Oh yeah! I read Gravity's Rainbow 2-3 times and Alan Moore's Jerusalem twice!). And even though I should take a few grades off because that cover had absolutely nothing to do with the story, I'm deciding not to be petty today.

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Justice League America #68 (November 1992)

This alien is me as a kid when my mother would pick boogers out of my nose.

Just to be clear: Superman isn't an Earthling. If he were an Earthling, which I'm sure he desperately wants to be seen as, he wouldn't be Superman. I sort of feel like a wanna-be-seen-as-edgy comedian doing jokes about trans people pointing that out! Is it wrong to clarify that Superman is a Kryptonian living on Earth? Or that while Earth is his adopted planet and he has Earthling parents, that still doesn't make him an Earthling? I'm not trying to be an asshole about this! I'm just being an Actually Nerd!

Oh wait. Yep. Just realized it. Most Actually Nerds are assholes. Sorry! Superman can be an Earthling if he wants to be an Earthling! He's just, like, a magic Earthling or something.

As I pointed out, that alien's response was probably a lot like mine as a kid because it looks like Superman and Guy are stealing his boogers. But they're actually stealing his kidnapped people. So the caption could have read, "This alien is Jeffrey Dahmer when the cops were pulling the corpses out of his fridge." I guess that also makes me sound like a wanna-be-seen-as-edgy comedian but I was just relaying my brain's thoughts as they processed the cover. The Dahmer and booger lines were adapted from my absolute first thought which I thought probably shouldn't be expressed: "So if the cops started pulling the children's bodies out of my basement, I could be all, 'What are you doing with my property?!'"

I first learned what an Edgelord was by somebody many years ago reading my New 52 reviews and calling me one. I'd like to point out that an Edgelord is somebody who tries to come up with the most offensive statements they can. That's different from a person whose brain won't stop immediately thinking the most offensive statements possible! I suppose I could not write down what my brain thinks. But what kind of world is that? Where I have to hide my most secret self? Wait. Is that why so many people seem so normal? Because they actually learned, early on, to hide their most secret self?! Is that what I've been doing wrong for the last fifty years?! Fuck. At what age can I apply for a do-over?

This issue begins with Guy Gardner Kaijuing up Metropolis as he looks for Superman.

More about my secret self: as soon as I typed the word "Kaiju," my brain thought, "I wonder what Godzilla's dick looks like?" Seriously. Fuck this brain. I used to think it was exceptional!

Oh no! I went to scan that previous image and the cover came off my comic book! It's like the staples just decided to stop holding onto it! In all the years I've been collecting comic books, and subsequently scanning them, that's never happened! I...I...I think I might be traumatized!

Guy is looking for Superman because Fire, Bloodwynd, Beetle, and Booster have gone missing. I'm not sure how they've gone missing since everybody at NASA, where they were all headed, know exactly where they are! They're on that huge ship that entered Earth's atmosphere following the space shuttle. How has nobody else at Justice League Headquarters heard about this? Either they need to hire some high school students named Zan and Jayna to do monitor duty 24/7 or Dan Jurgens needs to become a better writer.

Oh, by the way: Guy Gardner can't find Superman because Supes refuses to wear a Justice League signaling device and because nobody knows his secret identity. Guy's plan to just yell until Superman hears him seems like a smart plan. It's probably why Superman doesn't wear a signaling device. He's got super hearing! He can hear everybody else's signaling devices when they go off. He can also hear every time Lois Lane rubs one out so I'm not sure why Clark Kent doesn't have a massive indestructible boner 50% of the time he's on-panel.

I thought Maxima was from Almerac, not Dagobah.

Please don't leave a comment about how Maxima's words would be in a different order if she were actually speaking like Yoda. Remember what I think of Actually Nerds, you fucking asshole.

A man wearing a tie with a breakfast food motif is questioning somebody else's class?

I'm not even sure why Superman would be judging other people in this way. Shouldn't he be a huge fan of corn dogs, having grown up in Smallville where he probably went to fifteen different county fairs every year? Is he pissing all over Ma and Pa Kent's culture with this derogatory corn dog remark?! Am I just reading too much into it? Probably because I was instantly offended when Superman casually mentioned that corn dogs were low class trash food and Guy Gardner was on par with that. Remember when the Cosby Kids would insult each other? They were always saying shit like, "You're like that day the teacher's union decided to go on strike to fight against a system that doesn't appreciate any of the work they do. No class!" I'm glad I lived in a time where I could watch Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids without having to think, "Are they all rapists or just Brother Bill?"

Superman, always believing he's the most righteous and correct and morally upstanding Earthling on Earth, threatens to destroy Guy's ring if he ever calls him out like that again. Guy is all, "Fuck you, dude. How are we supposed to get in touch with you when you won't wear a patented Blue Beetle Signaling Device and Tracker?" And Ice is all, "Yeah, Superman! Guy makes a good point!" So then Superman does this:

Not speaking for one panel doesn't mean Superman is considering Ice's words. It means he's as fucking angry as he's ever been.

Some people might read the previous two panels and think, "Look at what a great guy Superman is! He's actually considering somebody else's argument and changing his opinion and demeanor based on the logic of it instead of punching Guy in the face! What a hero!" But being a seriously flawed person myself, I know exactly what that silent panel indicates and it has nothing to do with Superman being a hero. He's definitely trying not to flash fry everybody in the immediate area with his heat vision simply because they've put him in his place. He can't even bring himself to smile cordially in the second panel!

Max Lord reveals that not only have the away team gone missing, everybody at Edwards Air Force base has disappeared. Okay, fine! I guess that's why nobody knows what happened to the Justice League. Obviously once a massive alien ship disappears after entering Earth's atmosphere, everybody who might have noticed it automatically forgets about it. Because no way only the people at Edwards Air Force base noticed that thing. It was huge!

Max also reveals that he still has his powers of mind control (which he calls "mental persuasion" so that it sounds less diabolic and rapey). I thought he lost those after the coma but that was also when Giffen and DeMatteis were writing. I can't blame Dan Jurgens for remembering everything that happened in the previous writers' run. Also, I could be wrong. I'll allow for that to be a possibility. This time!

Superman, Guy Gardner, Ice, and Maxima arrive at Edwards to investigate the disappearance.

I would have phrased this, "Doughnuts half not eaten, cups of coffee half empty, equipment not turned off." But then, I'm a cynical realist.

During their investigation, Maxima discovers some disgusting slime on the wall and the first thing she does is put her face really close to it and touch it. She's definitely never lived with a male teenager. My guess is the first time a mother picks up a crusty hand towel or a wad of sticky tissue, she never again sets foot in his room. Does she also lose all respect for him or does she glow with pride that he's becoming a disgusting man?

It's 1992, Superman. Learn how to use a fucking computer, you ignorant Boomer.

Ice has no power that would help with reconnoitering the area and she also can't fly so Superman tells her to stay behind as the others fly around searching the area. While she has nothing to do, she thinks about how she wants to fuck Superman but the only person who seems to want to fuck her is Guy Gardner. She realizes a relationship probably takes a bit more than one party being interested in tapping her ass while treating her like absolute shit. So even though she believes there's more to Guy than his obnoxious personality and toxic masculinity, she finally seems to be coming to her senses and thinking about dumping Guy once and for all. Or she'll buy Guy a Superman costume for the bedroom.

Maxima discovers the super massive gigantic spaceship which Superman says he needs his telescopic vision just to see the end of but somehow nobody could see it normally anywhere at all. Guy and Superman pick up Ice and head out to search the ship.

Not to reveal too many of my secret kinks but I would have purchased this in a heartbeat if DC had released it as a poster.

Some of you might be thinking, "How are you not revealing your 'secret' kink just now? It's fucking obvious, mate." But you also don't know whether or not I meant furry white leg warmers do it for me. Or faceless Superman abs.

Supes means the hull is lead-lined but he doesn't want to expose any of his weaknesses to Guy Gardner.

I wonder what Dan Jurgens' pitch for this issue was? "You know how the last issue ended? With the revelation that a space alien has purchased Earth? Well this issue won't deal with any of that for at least the first half! First, the last Justice League members will spend a few pages looking for Superman. Then Superman will just barely resist melting Guy Gardner and Ice with his heat vision. Then we'll discover Superman doesn't know how to use a computer that doesn't work by shoving crystals into various holes. And finally, they'll find the massive ship that they couldn't find even though Superman points out just how massive it is! Then maybe they'll discover the other League members and argue over the alien's receipt for the Earth. Nobody at any time will mention the name Manga Khan or the word 'derivative'!"

While investigating the ship, we learn that Ice has also never lived in the same household as a male teenager.

I guess women just love sticking their fingers in mystery spunk.

Following the sticky trail, the League discover where all of the missing scientists, astronauts, and League members wound up: in Matrix-like pods having their lives and dreams sucked out of them by the aliens. To power their ship? Or just something they do for kicks?

How did they all get captured? I bet Bloodwynd could have stopped the alien from imprisoning them but doing so would have revealed he was really Martian Manhunter and so he allowed himself to be caught with the others. Because that was my real question: how did Bloodwynd get captured? I know how Fire, Beetle, and Booster got captured. They're terrible at being heroes.

Maxima comes crashing through the wall, unconscious and covered in more alien goo. When he sees Maxima is down, Superman says, "Whatever these aliens are, they must be tough!" Notice how he didn't say that when he saw Booster Gold and Blue Beetle had been captured? Yeah, I noticed that too!

I wouldn't have guessed they were hair dryers or weapons. Judging by the look of them after ice freezes them, I think we've discovered where the alien goo comes from.

The aliens can't be too happy after Ice cracks off their myriad penises. Unless they're into that kind of thing. The last thing I want to do is judge an alien race based on human perspectives and human desires! They might love having their dicks frozen off. Ain't nobody on this blog gonna shame a healthy kink. I don't know if I'd want my dick frozen off by Ice but I wouldn't mind her chilling my balls a bit. And the way she loves touching mystery spunk, she'd probably enjoy it too.

The new owner of Earth finally makes an appearance. He introduces himself as Chaq and doesn't provide the proper paperwork to prove to the invaders that Earth is his. He simply, as his his right, begins defending his home and property.

Guy Gardner takes a full load right in the kisser.

Is "SQUIT" the standard comic book sound effect for ejaculation? Kind of like how "FWASH" is the sound of an exploding vagina?

People love to tell me that Dan Jurgens really understands Superman but if he does then he's currently portraying Superman as one of those bullies in a bar who purposefully bumps into other people until somebody acts annoyed or says something unpleasant to them, thus justifying, in their mind, beating the shit out of them. I'd say Chaq "clearly demonstrating his hostile intent" by attacking people who have invaded his ship is less reason to use violence against him than finding a bunch of Earthlings stuffed into pods on that same ship! I guess Superman has a Batman-style rulebook with a bunch of ironclad reasons to excuse his use of violence in all situations. This Chaq guy just gave Guy the bukkake of his life which is reason #532 in Superman's list of reasons to start punching an alien in the face.

Nobody actually starts throwing punches which makes me think maybe Dan Jurgens does understand Superman. Superman just lets everybody on the team know that they would be excused for resorting to violence at this point. But since none of Chaq's weapons can hurt Superman, Superman just keeps talking to him which is when he discovers Chaq has quite a bit of proof as to his ownership of Earth. And while it seems like a ridiculous notion, the guy has receipts! What can you do? Except maybe rent it from him maybe?

Chaq has plans to turn Earth into an intergalactic rest stop. Does that mean we all get to become lot lizards? I'd be down for that.

Maxima comes up with a plan to not rent Earth but to buy it outright. She offers him some astronomical sum in some made-up currency and Guy creates that currency with his power ring. Chaq is so impressed that he immediately gives them the deed to Earth and his hostages and leaves. Since Guy deposited the funds, Guy gets the deed. But in a poorly thought out move for exciting future stories, Superman burns up the deed with his heat vision. What harm would it have done to let Guy believe he was the one true owner of Earth and the Sol system?! Pretty sure he earned it when he took that face full of alien spunk.

Justice League America #68 Rating: A-. To answer the main question of anybody who didn't read this comic book themselves: yes, the currency Guy created with his Sinestro Ring will eventually fade over time. Chaq will probably be pissed when that happens. But Maxima assumes Chaq will enter suspended animation to head home to his riches and that it will take hundreds of thousands of years. So what they've really done is just kick the can down the road. But as Guy points out, how likely is it that humans will survive that far into the future?! It's practically laughable, right? Superman seems a little upset that, as the good guys, they saved the day by conning some poor alien. Apparently he'd have been much happier if they'd killed the alien. Superman's a weird guy.

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Justice League Europe #43 (October 1992)

This fucker winks at me again, I'm punching him in the fucking nose.

Oh boy! A new super villain that's actually just some guy using his natural talents who must be stopped! Because as we all know, luck is a zero sum resource! So if this Amos Fortune jerk uses his luck to, I guess, draw a royal flush in the middle of the street for exactly no pay-off just to impress the reader then, naturally, a tidal wave must completely destroy one city. Everybody educated in America truly knows how the universe works! It's why Americans hate to see poor people helped out in any way at all. Because if that poor person is getting a lift up then surely some other poor sucker, probably some white man, will suddenly get caught sending unsolicited dick pics to four or five minors. Looking at reality through that entirely accurate and scientific lens, it becomes easy to see why so many Americans freak out when poor people have some good fortune. Because they've all sent unsolicited dick pics to minors. Now, I'm not specifically talking about people like Ben Shapiro or Sean Hannity or Matt Walsh or Elon Musk or Donald Trump. But nobody's going to be taken by surprise if those minors came forward with the dick pics. Also didn't Elon try to bribe a flight attendant with a horse so she would touch his peepee? I'm guessing we all know that story because of free school meals for children!

That was me doing a lot of speculation and possible libel! But I've watched so much People's Court and Perry Mason over my lifetime that I've learned the proper way to libel somebody without actually libeling them. First you write 4000 comic book reviews that prove that everything you write comes straight out of your ass and makes no sense. Then and only then can you claim Sean Hannity is a sender of unsolicited dick pics by stating that you didn't actually mean Sean Hannity when you wrote about white men who are against American safety nets being dick pic senders. But you also know I was winking crazily as I wrote that, just like Amos Fortune!

If you misread that last line as I was wanking crazily, is that something you're interested in? Should I start an OnlyFans? Let me know in the comments! Like and Subscribe!

Let's get back to the cover. See that tidal wave? Is being completely disappointed by what a real tidal wave looks like one of those 100% shared experiences we all have growing up? It's just another loss of innocence moment that we all share, like learning Santa Claus isn't real and getting laid. Okay, not all of us share both of those experiences. I don't mean to erase Jewish people and incels. But you probably understood my point anyway! The first time I saw footage of an actual tidal wave, I was all, "That's it? It's just a wave that decides to go way past the beach and keep going? Where's the five hundred foot wave crashing over skyscrapers?! This is more disappointing then when I came immediately when a woman first touched my penis! I mean disappointing for her, of course. I thoroughly enjoyed it!"

That was more cover for my libel suit! Because now I can say in front of a judge and jury, "Do you actually think a woman has touched this penis?" Then I'd expose my grotesque unit and they'd all gasp. And I would say, "If I can tell that obvious lie without meaning for people to believe it, then you have to assume that my claim that Sean Hannity sends dick pics to children just as ridiculous! I rest my case!" Of course I'll be saying, "I rest my case!", as I'm dragged off by court security with my dick flopping about over the top of my trousers.

That's more proof that this blog is full of lies! Because now in court, I can take my dick out and say, "How can this miniscule thing flop?! More facetious parody and hysterical satire by me! This case is busted!" Then I'd pretend to answer my phone where I have a picture of a ginger's cock and balls ready to go and I'd yell, "Oh my God! Sean Hannity just texted me an unsolicited dick pic!" Man, Perry Mason's got nothing on me!

Also, if you tend not to believe everything I write because I'm such a lying bastard, please don't suddenly believe the thing about my dick not being able to flop! It's perfectly floppable!

Amos Fortune begins his crime spree by hassling some fishermen on break.

Amos Fortune takes his huge score of dozens of Pounds and wanders off. Being fishermen and obviously not that smart, they don't realize he was probably cheating until he's walked away from the dock with all of their dozens of quid. By then it's too late to stop him because the bad luck kicks in and the dock they're on crashes into the water, killing them all instantly (probably). Rolling a seven five times in a row isn't that super out of the ordinary so it doesn't cause a tidal wave like a royal flush does. Just one small dock collapses and three fishermen's lungs get pierced by wooden shrapnel and they drown.

I would like to commend Ron Randall for putting the pips of the dice on the correct sides. I know that seems like the easiest thing for an artist to do but you'd be surprised how many artists don't think, "I'm going to be drawing dice. Should I research how they're put together? Oh, why bother! I fucking know what dice look like!" And then they precede to put the three pip side adjacent to the four pip side and I fucking lose my mind.

Out in Troutdale, a nerd shop exists that you'd think I would want to frequent on a near constant basis because they are full of nerd gaming products and disc golf discs! That's right up my fucking hobby anal cavity! But I've only been there once because I got so angry that I nearly passed out on the way back to the car. Just look at their fucking logo!

No way a real nerd would have signed off on that fucking logo!

I suppose I could go easy on them and believe that the proprietors are big disc golf jocks who can't be bothered to waste their time playing games indoors. But this is fucking Oregon! Half the year, you can't play disc golf. So what do disc golf players do during that time other than drugs? Play fucking board games! The only way my mind can make peace with that logo is to assume that the owners of the store just didn't have enough money to pay the artist to fix those dice so they just shrugged and thought, "Nobody will actually care, right? What kind of pathetic excuse for a human being would refuse to enjoy our shop full of fantastic goodies simply because our logo makes us look like ignorant jerks? Ha ha!"

They have two reviews on Yelp both giving them five stars. They're lucky I fucking hate the whole online review culture and refuse to participate because I'd only give them four stars! Think about that. The store must be full of awesome shit if I'm only dropping my rating one star because the sign hanging over their store is absolutely fucked. My review would be, "Good selection of discs, especially pink drivers. They also have a section for discs found at nearby Dabney Park and returned to the store for people to claim. Awesome. Plus they have loads and loads of boards and card games. And Sailor Moon stuff! But how the fuck do the fucking idiots running this fucking store not know what a fucking die looks like?! They're lucky I didn't shit and piss my pants out of pure apoplexy while perusing their awesome wares. Four stars."

Meanwhile in London, the Justice League are moving into a hotel while waiting for Sue and Catherine to find them a new headquarters. I guess they haven't secured the castle yet. That means the Eclipso Annual probably came out after this issue. It's always a guess as to when I should read the Annual. This was probably the closest I've ever gotten to reading it in the proper order.

The team all go their separate ways for a bit for some character building and because a dumb villain like Amos Fortune can't really support a full 22 page comic plot.

Aquaman heads back to Poseidonis, whatever the fuck that is.



Hal heads back to California where about 0.04% of DC heroes reside.



Doctor Light and Power Girl get to know each other while looking for Kara's poor lost kitty.



And Crimson Fox engages in some pre-masturbatory pillow throwing.

A week later, Amos Fortune causes another disaster while winning at blackjack aboard a floating casino. He breaks the bank and the ship sinks around him, leaving him the only survivor floating on a piece of wreckage with all the useless chips he won. Unless the casino was gambling exclusively with gold Krugerrands.

I mean, possibly? Right?

Knowing that Ron Randall got the dice right, I'm trusting that what he was attempting to express here was that these were Krugerrands and not just worthless casino chips that can now only be redeemed in Poseidonis.

The sinking of the casino ship happens at least a week after the collapsing pier where three whole fishermen possibly died or, more likely, suffered minor injuries. But even so, the BBC casually links the two disasters simply because both happened in water. As if the collapsing pier would have made anything but a small splash in the local papers. And no reporter would begin the story about the casino ship sinking like this: "In the wake of last week's collapsing pier in Bristol comes another bizarre maritime disaster." Is a collapsing pier a maritime disaster? Is it even bizarre? Is a ship sinking out at sea bizarre? Where did this reporter get her fucking degree? Sensation Non-Sequiturs University?

Only Elongated Man's feet catch the news report because his head is out the window and on the fire escape eating Monster Munch. But I bet when the Justice League hear about a third maritime disaster, probably a dog drowning in a backyard pool, they'll begin to connect the dots!

Sue barges in to let Ralph know she's found a new headquarters: a castle! And might I say, isn't Sue Dibney the most adorable woman in the DC Universe? It's a shame what Brad Meltzer, that monster, did to her. Who would want to write a story murdering Sue and destroying the only positive relationship in comic books? Aside from Lois and Clark, I guess. Although there's always something a bit bizarre about their relationship. Unless Superman wears a full body Kryptonite condom, I just can't see how Lois survives one of Clark's orgasms. I think she's a beard. You know who Superman is actually fucking? Metallo.

Amos Fortune continues to up his bets with his "Fortune Displacement System," the origin of which he does not reveal. He's probably just really smart and learned how to steal probability from one thing to apply it to another. In this newest example, he takes the odds of the currently being tunneled Chunnel collapsing and applies them to winning the longest longshot in horse racing history. When he wins, that also means the Chunnel collapses. Because he took away the odds of it not collapsing to make the odds of his winning come about. Pretty sneaky, sis!

Justice League Europe #43 Rating: A-. I expected Amos Fortune's rise to villainy to be boring but Jones and Randall spent exactly the right amount of time establishing his story, about seven pages in total. And the Justice League has no idea some villain is creating chaos across the United Kingdom at the moment. It'll be interesting to figure out how they decide some guy is behind this. Maybe he'll win some high profile national lottery just as London is destroyed in a nuclear holocaust and Batman, dropping by for a spot of tea, will make the connection. I just can't see how they can figure it out! I think Amos Fortune, if he doesn't get too arrogant, has concocted the perfect get-rich-without-getting-your-ass-beat-by-a-super-hero scheme! And I just thought he was a Penguin wannabe from that cover!

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Justice League America #67 (October 1992)

Blue Beetle quoting twelve-year-old me waking up after my first becoming-a-man dream.

Is the greatest draw of this cover the "Alien terror," Beetle digging through green cum, or Fire's heaving bosom? I find them all about equal. Although I'd be more excited if Booster Gold were looking into Blue Beetle's butthole the way he was on the cover of the Eclipso Annual. The draw for 21 year old me was probably that I thought they were spelunking through a gigantic butthole.

This issue is called "Transitions, Transmissions, and Transactions" and begins with a splash page that's going to really make for a creepy letters page in a few months.

"Yowza! My boner nearly split my chin after seeing that Fire pin-up!" -- Uncle Elvis or T.M. Maple, probably in three months

I don't yet know who's yelling, "Beatriz!", off-panel but I imagine it's Ice as she shoves four or five more sticks up her frigid ass.

Whattya know? It was Ice! She doesn't think it's appropriate for Fire to get practically naked twelve different times for a calendar. I think Ice should just shut up! She should be encouraging Fire to take off more clothes! Doesn't Fire want to sell as many calendars as possible? For 1992, taking sexy pictures in lingerie was less titillating than showing an ankle in 1890. Nobody's going to buy a calendar this tame unless October shows some taint and half a butthole.

Meanwhile, Blue Beetle is implanting a fake nipple into Booster Gold's outfit.

Blogger probably gonna censor this review due to this picture.

I recently realized one of my Catwoman reviews from The New 52 had been unlisted by Blogger for breaking the rules. Most of the time that shit happens due to automation and so I just put it back up for review and get an email saying it's been relisted. I'd been re-reading them to see why Blogger was censoring my posts but this time, knowing it's just the automated system, I sent it in for review and it was put back up almost immediately. That's when I read it and, ho boy, I'm fucking surprised it actually got reinstated! It's the issue where Ann Nocenti wrote in a dildo heist. Actual dildos (abstract, none really looking too penis-y) are drawn in the background in some panels, not to mention the double-sided diamond studded one that Catwoman uses to bribe some guard. Plus I photoshopped an actual dildo that looks like a penis into one of the panels! Blogger might have problems with automation but I think when I send a post in for review so a real person can look at it, nobody actually wants to read some nerdy comic book post so they just think, "Oh fuck. This isn't porn. It's just a virgin nerd's comic book blog. Reinstated!"

Booster's fake nipples are trackers and radio receivers so Booster Gold can keep in touch with the League and they can track him down if he gets into trouble. If I were Booster, I would have asked for a tracker that looks like a penis and had it installed in my pants. Who cares if a guy's nipples poke through his shirt? Do women like that? Is that a turn on for women? Do I have my stupid inverted nipples to blame for women not being instantly attracted to me in my tight disco shirts?

The Atom quits the League before he even joins which is one of my favorite traditions of this comic book. Some hero gets recruited or drops in and hangs around as if they're going to be a part of the team for a month or two and then they're never seen again in the pages of Justice League. Maybe with the cancellation of The Power of the Atom a few years ago, DC was trying to gauge reader's interest in the character. Pretty sure they were greeted with absolute crickets. Did DC really think somebody might send an Atom fan letter after seeing Fire nearly naked at the beginning of the comic book? All the letters for months were certainly just variations on "When is Dan Jurgens going to do an actual Girls of the DC Universe Pin-up calendar?!" You know they said "girls" rather than "women." And if the letters were sent today, they'd all say "females" instead.

Speaking of readers splooging in their undergarments over Fire's nearly naked body, here's another picture of Fire's nearly naked body.

Her new costume even comes with a string of anal beads.

I cut Ice's response out of that last panel because nobody wants to see her shoving more sticks up her ass about Fire showing some cleavage. I mean metaphorically! Obviously all most of us want is a panel of Ice shoving sticks up her ass.

Beetle and Booster pull a prank that backfires, probably so Dan Jurgens can remind people that these two are goofy assholes even if Dan has mostly forgotten. It's not worth talking about.

Fire learns that the person behind the publishing of her erotic calendars is Booster Gold and suddenly being sexually manipulated by a faceless company for some cold hard cash becomes less faceless. And the face Fire sees is one she now wants to punch. Personally, I don't get why she's mad. Because Booster will be making money off of her body? She knew somebody was making money off the pictures! Why is it any different if it's that creep Booster Gold?! Did she not realize the guy behind the empire that grew from photos of naked women is always a huge fucking creep?! People knew this in 1992, right?!

Halfway through the comic book, the Justice League gets a mission! They have to save one of NASA's space shuttles which disappeared for a bit and then reappeared in a nose dive! Booster, Beetle, Fire, and Bloodwynd need to stop it from crashing. In other words, Bloodwynd needs to stop it from crashing. Maybe Booster's force field can help somehow. But Fire and Beetle are absolutely useless in this situation. Even Ice would have been better because she could have made a huge slide like Bobby Drake always does when he needs to save crashing space planes.

The team manages to save the shuttle with Fire doing something that sort of sounds scientific and Beetle's bug humping it to a safe landing. Booster and Bloodwynd merely get the landing gear down. It's not down because there are no astronauts on board to have put it down. The only thing on board is green goo (which you'll remember from the cover). But the mystery of the missing astronauts is soon solved as another ship enters the atmosphere. This one is not one of NASA's. It's piloted by an alien who evolved to survive every fight against a cannon or a shotgun.

If I hadn't seen my own dick, I'd say this alien has the weirdest genitals I've ever seen.

Oh no! Who did this alien purchase the Sol System from?! The astronauts? Do they have the authority? Are they now rich? And will being rich mean anything to people trapped in alien fish tanks? Find out in next month's story, "Is That A Third Arm or Am I Happy to See You?"

Justice League America #67 Rating: C. I bet this was the issue where I mostly lost interest in this comic book but kept on purchasing it due to collection momentum. Beetle and Booster's "prank" was stupid and served no purpose because it didn't even do what it was supposed to do: show that these two have fun together. And who wants to read a comic book where Ice, acting like a prude, winds up having had the correct opinion about Fire's erotic photo shoot? That's not a world I want to live in! I wanted Fire to prove Ice wrong and become so rich that Ice also decided to do a naked calendar! But no! Instead we wind up with an alien invasion but the alien has receipts so it's not really an invasion but a collection and the alien either has a penis on its chest that looks like an arm or a vagina on its belly that looks like an ACME cannonball blasted through it. Also, the green goo wasn't explained. Does this alien just shit and piss all over its ship? Or does that goo leak out of the hole in its stomach? Double also, doesn't this feel like a derivative Manga Khan story?

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Justice League Europe Annual #3 (1992)

If I were Eclipso, I wouldn't have bothered possessing Aquaman either.

For a number of years, DC Comics decided to hold huge events every summer which took place across all of their annuals. It's possible this was an attempt to make their universe more exciting by involving all of the current monthly books in big Crisis-type stories. But it's also possible some bigwig was all, "How can we sell more annuals? Even people who buy the monthly rarely buy the dumb things! Could it be because we often use them to test out new talent and the quality is generally sub-par? Perhaps it's because we never really tie them into regular continuity and the stories are just extra pages of boring fluff?" Then somebody got the bright idea to tie them all together so that completionists would feel the need to buy every single annual put out every summer. It was a pretty good marketing idea because I always hated annuals and yet I now own every Bloodlines annual and Eclipso: the Darkness Within annual and every Armageddon 2001 annual. It's possible I began to realize how terrible these things were and how you never actually needed to read all the annuals by the time the Elseworlds event was released. And I almost certainly missed out on the Year One event. I don't think I even heard of the Legends of the Dead Earth summer blockbuster but then I was traveling America in a VW Volkswagen that summer, so you can't blame me for missing out on what sounds like a great marketing ploy! I totally want to read those annuals now even though I know, from experience, how truly shit most of them probably were.

Anyway, it was a waste of my time reading this in 1992 and I'm now going to repeat wasting my time by reading it again. It's like I have absolutely no respect for my limited mortality!

"Eclipso's head looks like a condom" is what the cover caption would have been if I'd ever had sex. Remember: no respect for my limited mortality!

The issue begins with Hal Jordan and Wally West already possessed by Eclipso. And yet, for some reason, Eclipso still wants to possess more members of Justice League Europe? I get the annual needs a reason for existing but it should be a tad bit believable! He's already got Green Lantern and The Flash! Why bother with anybody else?!

I know that was a dumb question! I actually did look at the cover when I scanned it! I see that he wants Power Girl too. She really is the only one left worth possessing.

Plus Eclipso needs somebody full of rage and nobody is more perfect than that diet soda swilling jerk!

Hal and Wally have to quit their plans as they're immediately surprised by the rising of the sun. Normally I'd think that's idiotic because they just began their search and night lasts like eight hours or something! But Hal probably forgot about London being eight hours ahead of Coast City (six hours ahead of Wally's Central City!). Apparently Eclipso's biggest weakness is the sun. That might be why he's imprisoned on the dark side of the moon! Because the sun bathes it in light all the time. And maybe that's why he'll be all powerful during the lunar eclipse because not only will the dark side of the moon be facing as away from the sun as possible but the Earth will also block out the sun's light and he'll be able to break free! And if that's the case (which makes a lot of sense!), shouldn't this huge event happen about every six months in the DC Universe?

Power Girl and Aquaman begin talking about the sexual mores of Atlantis and Crimson Fox screams. She says it's because she's tired of boring conversation but I think it's because, with her superior fox smelling power, she got a whiff of Power Girl's sex juices and a little bit of Aquaman's pre-cum. That leads to Crimson Fox and Power Girl getting in a fight and Ralph wrapping himself all around their boobies and under parts to keep them from pummeling each other.

What do you think goes through a sex pest like Gerard Jones' head when he writes dialogue like this? Is he confessing?

Kara flies out the window so that everybody can discuss her personality problems behind her back. Ralph says, "It's a weird kind of philosophical issue that would drive you to pound your coworkers." Philosophically speaking, or maybe literally speaking, Kara didn't touch anybody until Ralph put his hands all over her and Crimson Fox. Crimson Fox also fought back against his grabby rubber mitts but nobody decided to stand around afterward and call her a violent psycho with a diet soda problem. Anyway, what I'm trying to point out is that Power Girl did not touch anybody. But Ralph felt the need to physically restrain two women who were simply having a disagreement. And afterward, he acted like he came in his pants from touching them. But the person everybody has a problem with is Power Girl? Echidna the mother of monsters was right! Everybody is a sexist fuck!

Crimson Fox runs off to her sister to pout because Aquaman doesn't want to fuck her and The Flash now has Linda and Hal Jordan just wants to punch stuff and Captain Atom is dead leaving her with lady blue balls. She wants to quit the League. But then she sees their company is sponsoring a film festival and she remembers how she was going to fuck Metamorpho in Greece! So she calls him up, invites him to London, and manicures her downstairs area (both sides because she's a modern French lady!).

Power Girl, upset that everybody keeps trying to control her, goes on a Diet Soda binge. If the doctor who wrote the sexist paper theorizing how diet soda makes super women hysterical wasn't completely insane (yeah, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt because this is a comic book full of stupid shit), then Eclipso will find possessing a diet-soda-filled Power Girl the easiest thing in the moon. He probably won't even need to corrupt her with a black diamond. She'll just join Team Eclipse for kicks.

Have I mentioned how terrible the art is? I'll give the artist the benefit of the doubt and choose to believe that the truly terrible panels which are boring, flat, and depict strange looking faces were because of a time deadline for such a long book. Because some of the art wouldn't have made my art critic sirens go off at all. That's usually the case because I'm a terrible comic book reader who reads comic books more for the story than the art. Weird, right? I should just read John Steinbeck over and over.

Some times when I say some art sucks, I get blowback from people who think it's not right to ever express an opinion that isn't full of unicorn piss and sunshine. Then they'll say things like, "Let's see how good you could draw the comic!" Which is the best argument to use if you want me to absolutely discount your opinion about anything. Because how dare you criticize my ability to criticize! Let's see you criticize the art of a comic book!

Kilowog barges into Justice League Europe Headquarters to warn everybody about Eclipso but apparently he's a huge liar.

He did not beat Justice League America and he didn't possess Superman!

See that art? That's not bad at all! It doesn't spike the meter on either my love it or hate it meter. I think there were just portions of the script that Tim Hamilton found so boring that he couldn't be bothered caring about drawing them. He probably left them for last and then whipped them out in an hour or two.

Getting back to the plot, Superman probably got possessed in one of his own title's annuals, just like Hal and Wally. But that doesn't mean Eclipso beat the Justice League! Unless, I guess, it happened in The Demon or Valor annual. This is what happens when some idiot comic book collector doesn't store all of the "big event" comic books in one place! Now the idiot comic book collector several decades later has to deal with this shit!

Possessing Superman doesn't seem like the best idea because Superman needs the light of the yellow sun to retain his power but the light of the yellow sun will force Eclipso from his body. So how the fuck does that work then? How long can Superman's light reserves keep him strong? And also, shouldn't the solar light reserves within his body actively work against Eclipso's ability to possess him? Who the fuck was the editor on this event?! Can somebody go back in time and fire them?

Ralph phones Justice League America's headquarters to ask them why they didn't tell them about this. I'm assuming their answer will be, "Why weren't you watching CNN like us? Do we have to call you every single time something terrible happens?! Aren't you some kind of super detective, you bloody stretchy wanker?!"

Normally I'd just stare at Fire's tits in a panel like this but that portrait of J'onn is creeping me the fuck out.

I wonder if that's even a picture of J'onn? Maybe he's hiding in the wall pretending to be a picture so he can watch Fire change.

The artist, Tim Hamilton, was only 26 when this comic book was published so I can understand some of the amateurish bits. I should also apologize for negatively criticizing his art because, based on the next panel I'm going to scan, he definitely knew what it took to become a solid, long-term professional in the business.

Only a true comic book artist knows what fans really want: women in towels fresh out of the shower!

Previous to this panel, there's a full-blown panel of Ice butt-ass naked in the shower! Some of you might be upset that I use the term "butt naked" instead of "buck naked" but if you wanted to argue the point, you'd lose the argument and also I'd call you racist because there's some evidence that "buck" was an early slur for Native Americans and African slaves. Both "butt naked" and "buck naked" are generally acceptable anyway so I choose, when adding the word "ass" to the mix, to use "butt-ass naked" because that's funny! Two butts in a row! Ha ha!

Oh wait. My point was that the naked picture of Ice would have been the better panel to scan. But I didn't because I often discuss how artists like David Finch and Tony Daniels (and many, many others) just love to draw a naked woman in a towel. Which is why I point out Tim Hamilton knows what he's doing. I couldn't tie all of that together if I was all, "Tim Hamilton sure knows what he's doing!", and scanned in the shower scene! Then I'd just look like a pervert and I already looked like a pervert earlier in the review when I mentioned staring at Fire's tits! I don't want people reading this to think I'm actually a creep!

I'm sure some of you are currently saying, "You can't mention the naked ice panel and not scan it now!" But it's too late. I already tore it out of my comic book and taped it up in my "office."

I know Jones wrote this but I can still love Tim Hamilton for drawing it. I bet Finch and Daniels would have been all, "No way I'm drawing that. I ain't gay, bro!"

Also, see what I mean about Hamilton's art? I didn't scan any of the panels where it was obvious he didn't give a shit so you can't compare it to this panel. But look at how good naked Aquaman looks! Tim definitely cared about getting that right!

Kilowog says the nudity is distributed fairly but there's a big difference between Kilowog projecting his eyeballs into Ice's shower using his Green Lantern ring and Aquaman striding out in front of Doctor Light in the thinnest and smallest towel he can possibly find so that she can see the outline of his dong against the material. On Kilowog's home planet, "distributed fairly" means the victim in a peeping incident is equal to the perpetrator of a flashing incident. What a dick culture. Um, literally?

Realizing trouble is coming as soon as night falls, Doctor Light and Kilowog send up the Justice League International symbol (just like the bat signal but boring) to bring back all of their teammates who stormed off in a huff earlier. Crimson Fox returns first.

Jesus Christ. I'd kill to have a woman enter my window like this!

Right now there are people reading this thinking, "What? You've never had a woman fling herself into your window spread-eagled? Sucks to be you!" And to those people, I say, "Eat S-H-I-T, buddy!"

Hal Jordan and Wally West follow Crimson Fox into the room. Except they don't sexily use the window; they just crash through the entire wall. They are still eclipsed, of course. And also of course, Doctor Light, who shoots bolts of fucking light, doesn't affect Eclipso's possession at all. Sure, Blue Beetle made a flashlight that doesn't have one-hundredth of Doctor Light's power which can un-eclipse a person but Doctor Light's light blasts simply bounce off of Hal Jordan's face.

Eclipso realizes he can't make any of these boring turds get angry so The Flash tosses a bunch of black diamonds in the room and he flees with Green Lantern. That's when Power Girl arrives fresh off a diet soda binge, pissed off, angry, and hysterical, just like that scientist's theory said would happen if she kept drinking that swill. Remember, it was the scientist that said female super heroes would get hysterical if they drank diet soda. That wasn't my term!

Power Girl picks up some black diamonds and wham bam thank you diet soda, Eclipso possesses her. He does not immediately feel himself up which, I think, proves Eclipso should have been as huge a gay icon in the '90s as the Babadook was last decade.

Kara puts up a meager fight before being imprisoned in a green cage by Kilowog's ring. At about the same time, a mysterious figure (Bruce Gordon?) arrives to kidnap Doctor Light the same way he kidnapped Blue Beetle earlier. He's putting Team Solar Extraction together! Oh, Kilowog is also teleported away by the shadowy figure behind the blast of light. I really want it to be John Constantine but I'm pretty sure, in 1992, he was contained in the Vertigo universe. It's probably just Bruce Gordon.

Power Girl escapes the cage after Doctor Light and Kilowog disappear. She grabs Aquaman and flies high above London, with Ralph grabbing her ankle and Crimson Fox climbing on Ralph's back. Whatever their plan to save Aquaman works so much as in Power Girl lets them all drop from hundreds of feet in the air. She then flies off believing she killed them rather than watch the satisfying splat as they hit the ground. Unless Aquaman doesn't make a splat because he's so dense and instead smashes a huge hole in the ground and survives. And Ralph turns into a hang glider which Crimson Fox uses to safely get to the ground. I mean, there were so many ways for them not to die between being dropped and Power Girl flying off that it makes no sense that she simply assumes they're dead. Oh, I guess she didn't assume that! Eclipso did and he's a narcissist so he believes whatever he wants to believe no matter how much evidence there is to the contrary.

Anyway, they do all live but only because Metamorpho suddenly appears to catch them in himself. Crimson Fox practically fucks him before he can turn back into a human shape. But by then, all the eclipsed heroes have flown off, headed to Meteor Crater in Arizona for peak viewing of the future lunar eclipse. I've been there! But I wasn't eclipsed. I was just, you know, interested! I also went to Roswell on the same VW Bus trip. I was sad to skip visiting the Trinity site while I was in the general area. Maybe some day!

Justice League Europe Annual #3 Rating: C. Solid mediocre comic book material! That's actually pretty good praise for an annual! Most of the time, they just fucking suck. But this one had Ice naked in the shower so it may be one of the best annuals ever drawn. And the plot! So mediocre! "Eclipso possesses Power Girl because she's hysterical from drinking diet soda in an attempt to appease the male gaze!" Riveting! But why did Eclipso need Hal Jordan and The Flash to deliver a bunch of black diamonds to the Justice League? What a waste of talent!

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Justice League America Annual #6 (1992)

I'm not saying Dan Jurgens shouldn't have made Booster Gold staring into Beetle's butthole but I am saying editorial should have sent the cover back with a note saying, "Can Booster Gold be looking somewhere else, please?"

This issue is called "Maximum Eclipse." I don't understand that title so much that I can't even make fun of it. Was it just that in the '90s, every piece of media was getting "Maximum" added to the title to show how super-duper exciting it was? This book isn't about your mother's eclipse! That eclipse was all minimum and shit. This eclipse is going to be as eclipsy as possible! The most eclipse ever! Like, the whole entire moon is going to be blocked by the shadow of the Earth! But even more so than usual! Just the maximum amount, baby!

You don't need special glasses to look at a lunar eclipse because you're actually looking at less sun than usual. But you probably should wear special glasses to gaze into Blue Beetle's butthole. Like the pair Booster is wearing on the cover.

Eclipso has been busy possessing some small time heroes like Valor and Hal Jordan. But he feels like his plan won't really be set in motion until he has the telepathic powers of Martian Manhunter! Ha ha! Good luck capturing him, Eclipso! He doesn't exist in the DC Universe right now because he's pretending to be Bloodwynd! And nobody knows that secret at all! I'm not even sure Dan Jurgens knows it! Although it was hinted at in the letters pages of Justice League Europe #42. Not that J'onn was Bloodwynd but that there will be a big surprise twist involving J'onn sometime in the future. And since I'm currently way in the future, I know the surprise is that J'onn is Bloodwynd!

Eclipso also wants to possess J'onn so he can do the hand jive.

Back on Earth, Guy Gardner fished his Green Lantern gear out of his apartment's incinerator because he's been rehired by the Guardians of the Universe. Probably because he's the greatest Green Lantern and not because Hal Jordan has been possessed by Eclipso. Although those two things are really kind of the same thing because you notice how Guy Gardner isn't currently possessed by Eclipso? Hal is a loser. I'm not sure why Guy didn't just keep his Warrior outfit on though. It's not like his regular Green Lantern outfit with the turtle neck and the Nazi styling and the big boots is any more regulation than his Warrior outfit. I guess he just wanted to stick it in stupid old Hal Jordan's dumb mug.

I have no idea why Guy is exclaiming, "Twinkies!"

Guy doesn't usually scream the name of Hostess products as an alternative to swearing so when he shows up to JLA headquarters and yells, "Twinkies!", it doesn't make any sense. Later he calls Bruce Gordon a "Twinkie" which I guess is supposed to explain it but why would he make it plural in the first panel he appears? Also I don't know if the blonde Twinkie is Bruce Gordon or not but I'm making an educated guess. Twinkie has come to the League to explain how they need to defeat Eclipso but he can't explain that until Superman arrives so Superman can say, "Listen to this man!" Because otherwise nobody is going to do anything on "this Twinkie's say-so."

(The quotes around that last section in that last paragraph were there to indicate that that was the phrase Guy Gardner used when he called Bruce a Twinkie. I'm only pointing that out in this parenthetical paragraph so that I don't get accused of plagiarism by Hbomberguy.)

Superman is late to the meeting because he's trying to recruit Wonder Woman to the battle. Wonder Woman says she isn't ready for a team even though she just recently teamed up with Justice League Europe. But that was in Greece to fight some mythological titans so really Justice League Europe was sidekicking for Wonder Woman. I guess she only fights Greek Gods. She has no interest in battling the God of Vengeance if it's not Nemesis. Although her disembodied head is on the cover so she might change her mind when the shit really hits the Acropolis.

After Superman leaves, some Boston cop starts shooting up a crowd and Wonder Woman gets drawn into the story.

As if a cop needs to be possessed by Eclipso to murder innocent civilians.

Wonder Woman subdues the cop so Eclipso sets him free. Then he's all, "Oh no! What happened? I didn't discharge my weapon and harm any innocent civilians, did I?!"

Yeah. Evil. As in "Boston Police Officer."

Comic books are way better than reality because this cop probably won't be charged for murdering all of those people due to being mind-controlled and not being responsible for his actions rather than if this happened in reality, the cop wouldn't be charged due to "qualified immunity" and the excuse that he feared for his safety. Why is it always the person with the gun who "feared for their safety"? It's so much easier to plead self-defense in court when you've murdered the other person and they can't testify against you! And it's obvious people with guns fear for their safety. That's why they have a gun! And it's also why they shouldn't have a gun because they're fucking scared of everything! And since their first thought is to use the gun in a conflict, they figure if the other person has a gun, they're going to use it on them! So they just start shooting like a maniac and then plead self-defense later. Regular citizens shouldn't be allowed to plead self-defense against a murder charge simply because they felt scared or threatened. And cops especially shouldn't be able to since they're supposed to be protecting citizens at the risk of their own lives! Not at the risk of all of our lives! This is why people love firemen and hate policemen. Because firemen actually do risk their lives to save people and policemen won't fucking risk a single hair on their fat mustache to save even children.

Anyway, Wonder Woman is convinced that evil must be stopped. But for some reason, she doesn't head down to the Boston Police Station and burn it to the ground. She heads off to Justice League Headquarters to join Superman and the others.

Guy's absolutely right and he'll be proven correct five thousand times over in the next few years.

When Wonder Woman shows up, all the women lose their shit. Apparently Wonder Woman is so gorgeous and upstanding and confident that every other woman in the room feels like slitting their wrists. I totally get that. I've had so many friends commit suicide over the years, I can only imagine it was due to my confidence, charm, and incredible wit. They could only look at me and think, "I'm living at such a low level compared to this master of life. Why should I even bother?"

Maxima flies off in a huff because Wonder Woman is so obviously superior to her. And while flying around angry, Starman appears and hands her a black diamond. Eclipso takes her over and realizes he never needed J'onn at all. Maxima's mind powers are equitable to J'onn's and she doesn't cower when somebody lights a cigarette.

Bloodwynd says he smells a rat and holds his nose while pointing at Metamorpho. So Metamorpho, pretending that his feelings are hurt, rushes off before people figure out what's wrong with him. Jurgens probably wants the readers to think Metamorpho is possessed but I bet Rex just can't stop thinking about all the ways Crimson Fox has fucked him in the last week and J'onn (who is Bloodwynd but also still a Martian!) is simply confused by kinky human sex acts.

Meanwhile, the Justice League has obviously still not invested in a human resources department.

Poor women of the DC Universe. Booster's from the future where men, apparently, have still never learned not to pull this shit.

The Justice League discover that some hero turned Eclipsed-villain has been attacking a nuclear waste storage facility when Max Lord calls them to turn on CNN. You'd think the Justice League would have some means of learning about villains attacking places that would be more prompt than sitting in front of a 24-hour news channel. But what do I know?! I'm not a comic book writer! I don't get how any of this shit works. Although most comic book writers have no idea either which is why the heroes are usually battling some villain who is attacking them directly. It's easier than coming up with some system to have the heroes know when shit is about to go down or has just begun to go down.

Redouble their efforts? Is math different on Krypton? Can you actually double zero there?

Bloodwynd flies off with the rest of the League to stop a future radioactive disaster while Beetle and Bruce Gordon remain behind to create flashlights. That means Metamorpho is safe to return without Bloodwynd being all, "The dead tell me you are a traitor!" Bruce Gordon rushes off too to do something mysterious leaving Blue Beetle not full of suspicion at all. Was it a big mystery in 1992 that Bruce Gordon was the main human host for Eclipso? Could he be working for him still?!

Maxima turns out to be the culprit blasting containers full of spent fuel rods. Weird that she would go after nuclear waste when there are so many actual nuclear power reactors all across the world. It's like Eclipso is just toying with the League! Guy Gardner and Superman collect a bunch of radioactive rubble and fly it out into space where it will be "harmless." Why doesn't Superman do this on a monthly basis? Just fly all the radioactive waste out to Uranus and toss it in? That wouldn't cause any trouble, right? Fucking around with Earth's environment can cause long-lasting problems but not fucking around with Uranus's! Who cares what happens to that planet, right?!

Back at Justice League headquarters, Eclipso himself attacks Blue Beetle! "What?! How did that happen?!" the readers of 1992 were wondering. Maybe that's why Bloodwynd had to voice his suspicions of Metamorpho. So that it wasn't so obvious that Bruce Gordon was Eclipso! Readers would be all, "Bloodwynd was right! Metamorpho was up to something!" Even if Bruce Gordon suddenly going, "Um, uh, I forgot I needed to do a thing!", wasn't the most suspicious part of the whole comic book. Although maybe that's the red herring! Because long time DC Comics readers would know Bruce Gordon was Eclipso. And DC doesn't like making their big event twists easy to guess! So much so that they'll change their entire plotted event at the last minute so that it doesn't make any sense. Imagine, Hawk was Monarch! Ha ha! So dumb!

Blue Beetle causes an explosion as he tries to contain Eclipso and that's when the first big twist takes place!

What is going on?! I'm so confused by this twist! Maybe Bruce Gordon really did have diarrhea!

If only Bloodwynd didn't have to appear so mysterious so his cover isn't blown, this could easily have been avoided! And I wouldn't be so confused!

Maxima tries to take control of Wonder Woman but that only works for a few minutes before Superman outwits her. Then everybody beats the shit out of her until she's unconscious and safe to transport back to headquarters where Blue Beetle can shine his flashlight on her. Except they don't realize Beetle's flashlight has been turned into slag! And Beetle's about to be!

Oh, um, also, Maxima doesn't stay out for long. The fight starts all over again and then Fire does this thing with her butt that, um, well, take a look for yourself!

Maxima isn't the only thing about to be beaten!

Maxima flies off while everybody is distracted by Fire's ass. And Beetle manages to defeat Eclipso by bluffing that all the lights were somehow going to start blasting solar energy into the building because they were running on Beetle's bug's solar charger. Except that's not how solar power works. Good thing Eclipso is just a big dumb old God who doesn't know anything about technology and science. When Eclipso flies away, he turns back into Starman whose body he was using. I guess Starman has shape-changing abilities?

Before the rest of the League return to find the headquarters in shambles, Blue Beetle does one of those cinematic movie mystery things where somebody approaches him from behind and he's all, "Oh, it's you!" Then he's blasted by a flash of light and kidnapped! Was it Rex? Was it Bruce?! Was it Eclipso himself?! I may never know because who knows where my Eclipso: The Darkness Within comic books are stored! Stupid past me deciding to organize the annuals by title instead of by event! What was I thinking?!

I bet Blue Beetle was "recruited" by Bruce Gordon to assault Eclipso's base/prison on the dark side of the moon. That might be my memory being useful or it might just be my insightful comic book reading abilities! And it could also be wrong so, you know, shut up.

The issue ends with Maxima taken, Blue Beetle missing, and Eclipso sitting on his throne pretending he's doing a good job taking over the world. I mean, a powerless guy in a stupid costume just beat one of his most powerful henchmen but I can see how, if I were a narcissistic loon, I'd convince myself I was doing a good job too. The next part of the story takes place in The Demon annual! I would have had that one even if I hadn't purchased all the Eclipso annuals! Too bad I don't have my comic book boxes organized in any coherent way or I'd dig it out and read it.

Justice League America Annual #6 Rating: B Tier. That wasn't too bad for an annual! Even the art was okay which surprises me because I first began reading Justice League Europe Annual #3 and let me tell you: the art in that is horrific! It was as if I just solved a weird cube puzzle and my eyes turned into a home for horny worms. That's something Clive Barker would have written, right? Maybe DC actually tried to put a little more effort into these event annuals than the tiny amount of effort they used to put into regular annuals. Why did annuals have to be twice as long but also four times as boring and eight times as ugly? It's like some kind of fourth dimensional equation. Have annuals gotten better over the years? I don't really remember any when I was reading The New 52. But then maybe that's because DC kept doing annual September events in lieu of annuals. Those were sort of the same thing in that they often didn't really have much to do with actual continuity while at the same time pretending that they were some crazy, can't-miss event tied in to every single title. Why do we comic book fans always fall for that shit?!

Comic Book & Other Media Reviews Mason & Dixon. One Line at a Time.
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