Wednesday, February 7, 2024

Justice League America #68 (November 1992)

This alien is me as a kid when my mother would pick boogers out of my nose.

Just to be clear: Superman isn't an Earthling. If he were an Earthling, which I'm sure he desperately wants to be seen as, he wouldn't be Superman. I sort of feel like a wanna-be-seen-as-edgy comedian doing jokes about trans people pointing that out! Is it wrong to clarify that Superman is a Kryptonian living on Earth? Or that while Earth is his adopted planet and he has Earthling parents, that still doesn't make him an Earthling? I'm not trying to be an asshole about this! I'm just being an Actually Nerd!

Oh wait. Yep. Just realized it. Most Actually Nerds are assholes. Sorry! Superman can be an Earthling if he wants to be an Earthling! He's just, like, a magic Earthling or something.

As I pointed out, that alien's response was probably a lot like mine as a kid because it looks like Superman and Guy are stealing his boogers. But they're actually stealing his kidnapped people. So the caption could have read, "This alien is Jeffrey Dahmer when the cops were pulling the corpses out of his fridge." I guess that also makes me sound like a wanna-be-seen-as-edgy comedian but I was just relaying my brain's thoughts as they processed the cover. The Dahmer and booger lines were adapted from my absolute first thought which I thought probably shouldn't be expressed: "So if the cops started pulling the children's bodies out of my basement, I could be all, 'What are you doing with my property?!'"

I first learned what an Edgelord was by somebody many years ago reading my New 52 reviews and calling me one. I'd like to point out that an Edgelord is somebody who tries to come up with the most offensive statements they can. That's different from a person whose brain won't stop immediately thinking the most offensive statements possible! I suppose I could not write down what my brain thinks. But what kind of world is that? Where I have to hide my most secret self? Wait. Is that why so many people seem so normal? Because they actually learned, early on, to hide their most secret self?! Is that what I've been doing wrong for the last fifty years?! Fuck. At what age can I apply for a do-over?

This issue begins with Guy Gardner Kaijuing up Metropolis as he looks for Superman.

More about my secret self: as soon as I typed the word "Kaiju," my brain thought, "I wonder what Godzilla's dick looks like?" Seriously. Fuck this brain. I used to think it was exceptional!

Oh no! I went to scan that previous image and the cover came off my comic book! It's like the staples just decided to stop holding onto it! In all the years I've been collecting comic books, and subsequently scanning them, that's never happened! I...I...I think I might be traumatized!

Guy is looking for Superman because Fire, Bloodwynd, Beetle, and Booster have gone missing. I'm not sure how they've gone missing since everybody at NASA, where they were all headed, know exactly where they are! They're on that huge ship that entered Earth's atmosphere following the space shuttle. How has nobody else at Justice League Headquarters heard about this? Either they need to hire some high school students named Zan and Jayna to do monitor duty 24/7 or Dan Jurgens needs to become a better writer.

Oh, by the way: Guy Gardner can't find Superman because Supes refuses to wear a Justice League signaling device and because nobody knows his secret identity. Guy's plan to just yell until Superman hears him seems like a smart plan. It's probably why Superman doesn't wear a signaling device. He's got super hearing! He can hear everybody else's signaling devices when they go off. He can also hear every time Lois Lane rubs one out so I'm not sure why Clark Kent doesn't have a massive indestructible boner 50% of the time he's on-panel.

I thought Maxima was from Almerac, not Dagobah.

Please don't leave a comment about how Maxima's words would be in a different order if she were actually speaking like Yoda. Remember what I think of Actually Nerds, you fucking asshole.

A man wearing a tie with a breakfast food motif is questioning somebody else's class?

I'm not even sure why Superman would be judging other people in this way. Shouldn't he be a huge fan of corn dogs, having grown up in Smallville where he probably went to fifteen different county fairs every year? Is he pissing all over Ma and Pa Kent's culture with this derogatory corn dog remark?! Am I just reading too much into it? Probably because I was instantly offended when Superman casually mentioned that corn dogs were low class trash food and Guy Gardner was on par with that. Remember when the Cosby Kids would insult each other? They were always saying shit like, "You're like that day the teacher's union decided to go on strike to fight against a system that doesn't appreciate any of the work they do. No class!" I'm glad I lived in a time where I could watch Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids without having to think, "Are they all rapists or just Brother Bill?"

Superman, always believing he's the most righteous and correct and morally upstanding Earthling on Earth, threatens to destroy Guy's ring if he ever calls him out like that again. Guy is all, "Fuck you, dude. How are we supposed to get in touch with you when you won't wear a patented Blue Beetle Signaling Device and Tracker?" And Ice is all, "Yeah, Superman! Guy makes a good point!" So then Superman does this:

Not speaking for one panel doesn't mean Superman is considering Ice's words. It means he's as fucking angry as he's ever been.

Some people might read the previous two panels and think, "Look at what a great guy Superman is! He's actually considering somebody else's argument and changing his opinion and demeanor based on the logic of it instead of punching Guy in the face! What a hero!" But being a seriously flawed person myself, I know exactly what that silent panel indicates and it has nothing to do with Superman being a hero. He's definitely trying not to flash fry everybody in the immediate area with his heat vision simply because they've put him in his place. He can't even bring himself to smile cordially in the second panel!

Max Lord reveals that not only have the away team gone missing, everybody at Edwards Air Force base has disappeared. Okay, fine! I guess that's why nobody knows what happened to the Justice League. Obviously once a massive alien ship disappears after entering Earth's atmosphere, everybody who might have noticed it automatically forgets about it. Because no way only the people at Edwards Air Force base noticed that thing. It was huge!

Max also reveals that he still has his powers of mind control (which he calls "mental persuasion" so that it sounds less diabolic and rapey). I thought he lost those after the coma but that was also when Giffen and DeMatteis were writing. I can't blame Dan Jurgens for remembering everything that happened in the previous writers' run. Also, I could be wrong. I'll allow for that to be a possibility. This time!

Superman, Guy Gardner, Ice, and Maxima arrive at Edwards to investigate the disappearance.

I would have phrased this, "Doughnuts half not eaten, cups of coffee half empty, equipment not turned off." But then, I'm a cynical realist.

During their investigation, Maxima discovers some disgusting slime on the wall and the first thing she does is put her face really close to it and touch it. She's definitely never lived with a male teenager. My guess is the first time a mother picks up a crusty hand towel or a wad of sticky tissue, she never again sets foot in his room. Does she also lose all respect for him or does she glow with pride that he's becoming a disgusting man?

It's 1992, Superman. Learn how to use a fucking computer, you ignorant Boomer.

Ice has no power that would help with reconnoitering the area and she also can't fly so Superman tells her to stay behind as the others fly around searching the area. While she has nothing to do, she thinks about how she wants to fuck Superman but the only person who seems to want to fuck her is Guy Gardner. She realizes a relationship probably takes a bit more than one party being interested in tapping her ass while treating her like absolute shit. So even though she believes there's more to Guy than his obnoxious personality and toxic masculinity, she finally seems to be coming to her senses and thinking about dumping Guy once and for all. Or she'll buy Guy a Superman costume for the bedroom.

Maxima discovers the super massive gigantic spaceship which Superman says he needs his telescopic vision just to see the end of but somehow nobody could see it normally anywhere at all. Guy and Superman pick up Ice and head out to search the ship.

Not to reveal too many of my secret kinks but I would have purchased this in a heartbeat if DC had released it as a poster.

Some of you might be thinking, "How are you not revealing your 'secret' kink just now? It's fucking obvious, mate." But you also don't know whether or not I meant furry white leg warmers do it for me. Or faceless Superman abs.

Supes means the hull is lead-lined but he doesn't want to expose any of his weaknesses to Guy Gardner.

I wonder what Dan Jurgens' pitch for this issue was? "You know how the last issue ended? With the revelation that a space alien has purchased Earth? Well this issue won't deal with any of that for at least the first half! First, the last Justice League members will spend a few pages looking for Superman. Then Superman will just barely resist melting Guy Gardner and Ice with his heat vision. Then we'll discover Superman doesn't know how to use a computer that doesn't work by shoving crystals into various holes. And finally, they'll find the massive ship that they couldn't find even though Superman points out just how massive it is! Then maybe they'll discover the other League members and argue over the alien's receipt for the Earth. Nobody at any time will mention the name Manga Khan or the word 'derivative'!"

While investigating the ship, we learn that Ice has also never lived in the same household as a male teenager.

I guess women just love sticking their fingers in mystery spunk.

Following the sticky trail, the League discover where all of the missing scientists, astronauts, and League members wound up: in Matrix-like pods having their lives and dreams sucked out of them by the aliens. To power their ship? Or just something they do for kicks?

How did they all get captured? I bet Bloodwynd could have stopped the alien from imprisoning them but doing so would have revealed he was really Martian Manhunter and so he allowed himself to be caught with the others. Because that was my real question: how did Bloodwynd get captured? I know how Fire, Beetle, and Booster got captured. They're terrible at being heroes.

Maxima comes crashing through the wall, unconscious and covered in more alien goo. When he sees Maxima is down, Superman says, "Whatever these aliens are, they must be tough!" Notice how he didn't say that when he saw Booster Gold and Blue Beetle had been captured? Yeah, I noticed that too!

I wouldn't have guessed they were hair dryers or weapons. Judging by the look of them after ice freezes them, I think we've discovered where the alien goo comes from.

The aliens can't be too happy after Ice cracks off their myriad penises. Unless they're into that kind of thing. The last thing I want to do is judge an alien race based on human perspectives and human desires! They might love having their dicks frozen off. Ain't nobody on this blog gonna shame a healthy kink. I don't know if I'd want my dick frozen off by Ice but I wouldn't mind her chilling my balls a bit. And the way she loves touching mystery spunk, she'd probably enjoy it too.

The new owner of Earth finally makes an appearance. He introduces himself as Chaq and doesn't provide the proper paperwork to prove to the invaders that Earth is his. He simply, as his his right, begins defending his home and property.

Guy Gardner takes a full load right in the kisser.

Is "SQUIT" the standard comic book sound effect for ejaculation? Kind of like how "FWASH" is the sound of an exploding vagina?

People love to tell me that Dan Jurgens really understands Superman but if he does then he's currently portraying Superman as one of those bullies in a bar who purposefully bumps into other people until somebody acts annoyed or says something unpleasant to them, thus justifying, in their mind, beating the shit out of them. I'd say Chaq "clearly demonstrating his hostile intent" by attacking people who have invaded his ship is less reason to use violence against him than finding a bunch of Earthlings stuffed into pods on that same ship! I guess Superman has a Batman-style rulebook with a bunch of ironclad reasons to excuse his use of violence in all situations. This Chaq guy just gave Guy the bukkake of his life which is reason #532 in Superman's list of reasons to start punching an alien in the face.

Nobody actually starts throwing punches which makes me think maybe Dan Jurgens does understand Superman. Superman just lets everybody on the team know that they would be excused for resorting to violence at this point. But since none of Chaq's weapons can hurt Superman, Superman just keeps talking to him which is when he discovers Chaq has quite a bit of proof as to his ownership of Earth. And while it seems like a ridiculous notion, the guy has receipts! What can you do? Except maybe rent it from him maybe?

Chaq has plans to turn Earth into an intergalactic rest stop. Does that mean we all get to become lot lizards? I'd be down for that.

Maxima comes up with a plan to not rent Earth but to buy it outright. She offers him some astronomical sum in some made-up currency and Guy creates that currency with his power ring. Chaq is so impressed that he immediately gives them the deed to Earth and his hostages and leaves. Since Guy deposited the funds, Guy gets the deed. But in a poorly thought out move for exciting future stories, Superman burns up the deed with his heat vision. What harm would it have done to let Guy believe he was the one true owner of Earth and the Sol system?! Pretty sure he earned it when he took that face full of alien spunk.

Justice League America #68 Rating: A-. To answer the main question of anybody who didn't read this comic book themselves: yes, the currency Guy created with his Sinestro Ring will eventually fade over time. Chaq will probably be pissed when that happens. But Maxima assumes Chaq will enter suspended animation to head home to his riches and that it will take hundreds of thousands of years. So what they've really done is just kick the can down the road. But as Guy points out, how likely is it that humans will survive that far into the future?! It's practically laughable, right? Superman seems a little upset that, as the good guys, they saved the day by conning some poor alien. Apparently he'd have been much happier if they'd killed the alien. Superman's a weird guy.

No comments:

Post a Comment