Sunday, February 4, 2024

Justice League Europe #43 (October 1992)

This fucker winks at me again, I'm punching him in the fucking nose.

Oh boy! A new super villain that's actually just some guy using his natural talents who must be stopped! Because as we all know, luck is a zero sum resource! So if this Amos Fortune jerk uses his luck to, I guess, draw a royal flush in the middle of the street for exactly no pay-off just to impress the reader then, naturally, a tidal wave must completely destroy one city. Everybody educated in America truly knows how the universe works! It's why Americans hate to see poor people helped out in any way at all. Because if that poor person is getting a lift up then surely some other poor sucker, probably some white man, will suddenly get caught sending unsolicited dick pics to four or five minors. Looking at reality through that entirely accurate and scientific lens, it becomes easy to see why so many Americans freak out when poor people have some good fortune. Because they've all sent unsolicited dick pics to minors. Now, I'm not specifically talking about people like Ben Shapiro or Sean Hannity or Matt Walsh or Elon Musk or Donald Trump. But nobody's going to be taken by surprise if those minors came forward with the dick pics. Also didn't Elon try to bribe a flight attendant with a horse so she would touch his peepee? I'm guessing we all know that story because of free school meals for children!

That was me doing a lot of speculation and possible libel! But I've watched so much People's Court and Perry Mason over my lifetime that I've learned the proper way to libel somebody without actually libeling them. First you write 4000 comic book reviews that prove that everything you write comes straight out of your ass and makes no sense. Then and only then can you claim Sean Hannity is a sender of unsolicited dick pics by stating that you didn't actually mean Sean Hannity when you wrote about white men who are against American safety nets being dick pic senders. But you also know I was winking crazily as I wrote that, just like Amos Fortune!

If you misread that last line as I was wanking crazily, is that something you're interested in? Should I start an OnlyFans? Let me know in the comments! Like and Subscribe!

Let's get back to the cover. See that tidal wave? Is being completely disappointed by what a real tidal wave looks like one of those 100% shared experiences we all have growing up? It's just another loss of innocence moment that we all share, like learning Santa Claus isn't real and getting laid. Okay, not all of us share both of those experiences. I don't mean to erase Jewish people and incels. But you probably understood my point anyway! The first time I saw footage of an actual tidal wave, I was all, "That's it? It's just a wave that decides to go way past the beach and keep going? Where's the five hundred foot wave crashing over skyscrapers?! This is more disappointing then when I came immediately when a woman first touched my penis! I mean disappointing for her, of course. I thoroughly enjoyed it!"

That was more cover for my libel suit! Because now I can say in front of a judge and jury, "Do you actually think a woman has touched this penis?" Then I'd expose my grotesque unit and they'd all gasp. And I would say, "If I can tell that obvious lie without meaning for people to believe it, then you have to assume that my claim that Sean Hannity sends dick pics to children just as ridiculous! I rest my case!" Of course I'll be saying, "I rest my case!", as I'm dragged off by court security with my dick flopping about over the top of my trousers.

That's more proof that this blog is full of lies! Because now in court, I can take my dick out and say, "How can this miniscule thing flop?! More facetious parody and hysterical satire by me! This case is busted!" Then I'd pretend to answer my phone where I have a picture of a ginger's cock and balls ready to go and I'd yell, "Oh my God! Sean Hannity just texted me an unsolicited dick pic!" Man, Perry Mason's got nothing on me!

Also, if you tend not to believe everything I write because I'm such a lying bastard, please don't suddenly believe the thing about my dick not being able to flop! It's perfectly floppable!

Amos Fortune begins his crime spree by hassling some fishermen on break.

Amos Fortune takes his huge score of dozens of Pounds and wanders off. Being fishermen and obviously not that smart, they don't realize he was probably cheating until he's walked away from the dock with all of their dozens of quid. By then it's too late to stop him because the bad luck kicks in and the dock they're on crashes into the water, killing them all instantly (probably). Rolling a seven five times in a row isn't that super out of the ordinary so it doesn't cause a tidal wave like a royal flush does. Just one small dock collapses and three fishermen's lungs get pierced by wooden shrapnel and they drown.

I would like to commend Ron Randall for putting the pips of the dice on the correct sides. I know that seems like the easiest thing for an artist to do but you'd be surprised how many artists don't think, "I'm going to be drawing dice. Should I research how they're put together? Oh, why bother! I fucking know what dice look like!" And then they precede to put the three pip side adjacent to the four pip side and I fucking lose my mind.

Out in Troutdale, a nerd shop exists that you'd think I would want to frequent on a near constant basis because they are full of nerd gaming products and disc golf discs! That's right up my fucking hobby anal cavity! But I've only been there once because I got so angry that I nearly passed out on the way back to the car. Just look at their fucking logo!

No way a real nerd would have signed off on that fucking logo!

I suppose I could go easy on them and believe that the proprietors are big disc golf jocks who can't be bothered to waste their time playing games indoors. But this is fucking Oregon! Half the year, you can't play disc golf. So what do disc golf players do during that time other than drugs? Play fucking board games! The only way my mind can make peace with that logo is to assume that the owners of the store just didn't have enough money to pay the artist to fix those dice so they just shrugged and thought, "Nobody will actually care, right? What kind of pathetic excuse for a human being would refuse to enjoy our shop full of fantastic goodies simply because our logo makes us look like ignorant jerks? Ha ha!"

They have two reviews on Yelp both giving them five stars. They're lucky I fucking hate the whole online review culture and refuse to participate because I'd only give them four stars! Think about that. The store must be full of awesome shit if I'm only dropping my rating one star because the sign hanging over their store is absolutely fucked. My review would be, "Good selection of discs, especially pink drivers. They also have a section for discs found at nearby Dabney Park and returned to the store for people to claim. Awesome. Plus they have loads and loads of boards and card games. And Sailor Moon stuff! But how the fuck do the fucking idiots running this fucking store not know what a fucking die looks like?! They're lucky I didn't shit and piss my pants out of pure apoplexy while perusing their awesome wares. Four stars."

Meanwhile in London, the Justice League are moving into a hotel while waiting for Sue and Catherine to find them a new headquarters. I guess they haven't secured the castle yet. That means the Eclipso Annual probably came out after this issue. It's always a guess as to when I should read the Annual. This was probably the closest I've ever gotten to reading it in the proper order.

The team all go their separate ways for a bit for some character building and because a dumb villain like Amos Fortune can't really support a full 22 page comic plot.

Aquaman heads back to Poseidonis, whatever the fuck that is.

Hal heads back to California where about 0.04% of DC heroes reside.

Doctor Light and Power Girl get to know each other while looking for Kara's poor lost kitty.

And Crimson Fox engages in some pre-masturbatory pillow throwing.

A week later, Amos Fortune causes another disaster while winning at blackjack aboard a floating casino. He breaks the bank and the ship sinks around him, leaving him the only survivor floating on a piece of wreckage with all the useless chips he won. Unless the casino was gambling exclusively with gold Krugerrands.

I mean, possibly? Right?

Knowing that Ron Randall got the dice right, I'm trusting that what he was attempting to express here was that these were Krugerrands and not just worthless casino chips that can now only be redeemed in Poseidonis.

The sinking of the casino ship happens at least a week after the collapsing pier where three whole fishermen possibly died or, more likely, suffered minor injuries. But even so, the BBC casually links the two disasters simply because both happened in water. As if the collapsing pier would have made anything but a small splash in the local papers. And no reporter would begin the story about the casino ship sinking like this: "In the wake of last week's collapsing pier in Bristol comes another bizarre maritime disaster." Is a collapsing pier a maritime disaster? Is it even bizarre? Is a ship sinking out at sea bizarre? Where did this reporter get her fucking degree? Sensation Non-Sequiturs University?

Only Elongated Man's feet catch the news report because his head is out the window and on the fire escape eating Monster Munch. But I bet when the Justice League hear about a third maritime disaster, probably a dog drowning in a backyard pool, they'll begin to connect the dots!

Sue barges in to let Ralph know she's found a new headquarters: a castle! And might I say, isn't Sue Dibney the most adorable woman in the DC Universe? It's a shame what Brad Meltzer, that monster, did to her. Who would want to write a story murdering Sue and destroying the only positive relationship in comic books? Aside from Lois and Clark, I guess. Although there's always something a bit bizarre about their relationship. Unless Superman wears a full body Kryptonite condom, I just can't see how Lois survives one of Clark's orgasms. I think she's a beard. You know who Superman is actually fucking? Metallo.

Amos Fortune continues to up his bets with his "Fortune Displacement System," the origin of which he does not reveal. He's probably just really smart and learned how to steal probability from one thing to apply it to another. In this newest example, he takes the odds of the currently being tunneled Chunnel collapsing and applies them to winning the longest longshot in horse racing history. When he wins, that also means the Chunnel collapses. Because he took away the odds of it not collapsing to make the odds of his winning come about. Pretty sneaky, sis!

Justice League Europe #43 Rating: A-. I expected Amos Fortune's rise to villainy to be boring but Jones and Randall spent exactly the right amount of time establishing his story, about seven pages in total. And the Justice League has no idea some villain is creating chaos across the United Kingdom at the moment. It'll be interesting to figure out how they decide some guy is behind this. Maybe he'll win some high profile national lottery just as London is destroyed in a nuclear holocaust and Batman, dropping by for a spot of tea, will make the connection. I just can't see how they can figure it out! I think Amos Fortune, if he doesn't get too arrogant, has concocted the perfect get-rich-without-getting-your-ass-beat-by-a-super-hero scheme! And I just thought he was a Penguin wannabe from that cover!

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