Saturday, February 3, 2024

Justice League America #67 (October 1992)

Blue Beetle quoting twelve-year-old me waking up after my first becoming-a-man dream.

Is the greatest draw of this cover the "Alien terror," Beetle digging through green cum, or Fire's heaving bosom? I find them all about equal. Although I'd be more excited if Booster Gold were looking into Blue Beetle's butthole the way he was on the cover of the Eclipso Annual. The draw for 21 year old me was probably that I thought they were spelunking through a gigantic butthole.

This issue is called "Transitions, Transmissions, and Transactions" and begins with a splash page that's going to really make for a creepy letters page in a few months.

"Yowza! My boner nearly split my chin after seeing that Fire pin-up!" -- Uncle Elvis or T.M. Maple, probably in three months

I don't yet know who's yelling, "Beatriz!", off-panel but I imagine it's Ice as she shoves four or five more sticks up her frigid ass.

Whattya know? It was Ice! She doesn't think it's appropriate for Fire to get practically naked twelve different times for a calendar. I think Ice should just shut up! She should be encouraging Fire to take off more clothes! Doesn't Fire want to sell as many calendars as possible? For 1992, taking sexy pictures in lingerie was less titillating than showing an ankle in 1890. Nobody's going to buy a calendar this tame unless October shows some taint and half a butthole.

Meanwhile, Blue Beetle is implanting a fake nipple into Booster Gold's outfit.

Blogger probably gonna censor this review due to this picture.

I recently realized one of my Catwoman reviews from The New 52 had been unlisted by Blogger for breaking the rules. Most of the time that shit happens due to automation and so I just put it back up for review and get an email saying it's been relisted. I'd been re-reading them to see why Blogger was censoring my posts but this time, knowing it's just the automated system, I sent it in for review and it was put back up almost immediately. That's when I read it and, ho boy, I'm fucking surprised it actually got reinstated! It's the issue where Ann Nocenti wrote in a dildo heist. Actual dildos (abstract, none really looking too penis-y) are drawn in the background in some panels, not to mention the double-sided diamond studded one that Catwoman uses to bribe some guard. Plus I photoshopped an actual dildo that looks like a penis into one of the panels! Blogger might have problems with automation but I think when I send a post in for review so a real person can look at it, nobody actually wants to read some nerdy comic book post so they just think, "Oh fuck. This isn't porn. It's just a virgin nerd's comic book blog. Reinstated!"

Booster's fake nipples are trackers and radio receivers so Booster Gold can keep in touch with the League and they can track him down if he gets into trouble. If I were Booster, I would have asked for a tracker that looks like a penis and had it installed in my pants. Who cares if a guy's nipples poke through his shirt? Do women like that? Is that a turn on for women? Do I have my stupid inverted nipples to blame for women not being instantly attracted to me in my tight disco shirts?

The Atom quits the League before he even joins which is one of my favorite traditions of this comic book. Some hero gets recruited or drops in and hangs around as if they're going to be a part of the team for a month or two and then they're never seen again in the pages of Justice League. Maybe with the cancellation of The Power of the Atom a few years ago, DC was trying to gauge reader's interest in the character. Pretty sure they were greeted with absolute crickets. Did DC really think somebody might send an Atom fan letter after seeing Fire nearly naked at the beginning of the comic book? All the letters for months were certainly just variations on "When is Dan Jurgens going to do an actual Girls of the DC Universe Pin-up calendar?!" You know they said "girls" rather than "women." And if the letters were sent today, they'd all say "females" instead.

Speaking of readers splooging in their undergarments over Fire's nearly naked body, here's another picture of Fire's nearly naked body.

Her new costume even comes with a string of anal beads.

I cut Ice's response out of that last panel because nobody wants to see her shoving more sticks up her ass about Fire showing some cleavage. I mean metaphorically! Obviously all most of us want is a panel of Ice shoving sticks up her ass.

Beetle and Booster pull a prank that backfires, probably so Dan Jurgens can remind people that these two are goofy assholes even if Dan has mostly forgotten. It's not worth talking about.

Fire learns that the person behind the publishing of her erotic calendars is Booster Gold and suddenly being sexually manipulated by a faceless company for some cold hard cash becomes less faceless. And the face Fire sees is one she now wants to punch. Personally, I don't get why she's mad. Because Booster will be making money off of her body? She knew somebody was making money off the pictures! Why is it any different if it's that creep Booster Gold?! Did she not realize the guy behind the empire that grew from photos of naked women is always a huge fucking creep?! People knew this in 1992, right?!

Halfway through the comic book, the Justice League gets a mission! They have to save one of NASA's space shuttles which disappeared for a bit and then reappeared in a nose dive! Booster, Beetle, Fire, and Bloodwynd need to stop it from crashing. In other words, Bloodwynd needs to stop it from crashing. Maybe Booster's force field can help somehow. But Fire and Beetle are absolutely useless in this situation. Even Ice would have been better because she could have made a huge slide like Bobby Drake always does when he needs to save crashing space planes.

The team manages to save the shuttle with Fire doing something that sort of sounds scientific and Beetle's bug humping it to a safe landing. Booster and Bloodwynd merely get the landing gear down. It's not down because there are no astronauts on board to have put it down. The only thing on board is green goo (which you'll remember from the cover). But the mystery of the missing astronauts is soon solved as another ship enters the atmosphere. This one is not one of NASA's. It's piloted by an alien who evolved to survive every fight against a cannon or a shotgun.

If I hadn't seen my own dick, I'd say this alien has the weirdest genitals I've ever seen.

Oh no! Who did this alien purchase the Sol System from?! The astronauts? Do they have the authority? Are they now rich? And will being rich mean anything to people trapped in alien fish tanks? Find out in next month's story, "Is That A Third Arm or Am I Happy to See You?"

Justice League America #67 Rating: C. I bet this was the issue where I mostly lost interest in this comic book but kept on purchasing it due to collection momentum. Beetle and Booster's "prank" was stupid and served no purpose because it didn't even do what it was supposed to do: show that these two have fun together. And who wants to read a comic book where Ice, acting like a prude, winds up having had the correct opinion about Fire's erotic photo shoot? That's not a world I want to live in! I wanted Fire to prove Ice wrong and become so rich that Ice also decided to do a naked calendar! But no! Instead we wind up with an alien invasion but the alien has receipts so it's not really an invasion but a collection and the alien either has a penis on its chest that looks like an arm or a vagina on its belly that looks like an ACME cannonball blasted through it. Also, the green goo wasn't explained. Does this alien just shit and piss all over its ship? Or does that goo leak out of the hole in its stomach? Double also, doesn't this feel like a derivative Manga Khan story?

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