The Batman Adventures #1 (October 1992)

No, I do not own Issue #12.

I guess it's time to read a cartoon? What was I in 1992? A child?! No, I was a grown-ass man by then, according to scientific biological consensus with how human beings age if not by the measure of my maturity or income or quantity of sex I'd had. I don't remember being particularly excited about Batman: The Animated Series, or maybe I wanted to be but it just didn't happen. Because I do remember, after all this time, that the first episode featured Man-Bat. I probably tuned in excitedly for the first episode and then couldn't be bothered to remember to watch the second episode because I was having so much sex that day. By the time the 3rd or 4th episode would have been airing, I would have been turning 21 and riding a mechanical bull because, at the age of 12 or so, my friend Bob Henline and I made a pact to ride the mechanical bull at the Saddle Rack when we turned 21 (he turned 21 two days before the first episode of Batman: The Animated Series aired). And that we did! On a side note, the lady who was allowing me to touch her taint while I came in my pants was there that night. She gave me a Lobo t-shirt for my 21st birthday. I was so cool! Drinking! Riding mechanical bulls! Sort of having sex! Getting a Lobo t-shirt! Purchasing and reading The Batman Adventures! What a life I once led!

Now my life is remembering my life. Which is pretty good too because I don't get exhausted from having lived it and I can sit in the shade with an iced tea and do absolutely fuck all.

The first episode of this comic book cartoon begins with The Penguin playing the part of Pelafina while his henchmen play the part of Johnny Truant and The Penguin is all, "Get thee to an OED!"

I guess I could have also made an Infinite Jest Hal Incandenza memorizing the dictionary reference.

Do you think Danielewski and Foster both inserted these "the main character knows the dictionary backwards and forwards" moments in their books because they themselves couldn't help but use all the great big words they spent their entire childhoods obsessing over learning so they could seem better than all of us plebes who spent our time outside the house having fun? But also, there's the ambiguous narrative of both texts as to who's really writing and/or directing everything? The readers all know it's ultimately the author. But the author, being (typically) outside of the narrative, must be left out of the equation. So do the characters use words they shouldn't know in Infinite Jest because James Orin Incandenza has been directing their lives from the after life, a ghost putting his thoughts into people's heads, directing his final version of Infinite Jest (obviously a massive retelling of the story since the first five (or was it six?) Infinite Jests were of the PGOAT apologizing to her baby for birthing it into this world of pain, the baby being played by the audience via camera tricks and perspective, an audience who were technologically reduced to that of the infant character by holographic lenses invented by James?

What I'm trying to say is that everything you need to know to understand Infinite Jest resides in the footnote that lists James Orin Incandenza's filmography. And everything you need to know about House of Leaves resides in Blair Witch II: The Book of Shadows. Okay, maybe that's not right. But you will find loads of titties in that so it's worth a viewing.

The Penguin, angered at being called an idiot, very nearly shoves his umbrella up the nose and into the brain of the guy who insulted him. But at the last minute, everybody remembers this is a comic book based on a cartoon and exposed brains shouldn't be a part of it. So somebody interrupts The Penguin before he can stab this guy's temporal lobe. Apparently somebody has just delivered a massive interactive television! The Penguin switches it on and discovers he's got a new friend.

It's The Joker, right? Or maybe Simon Stagg?

I think the guy on the television needs to bone up on the dictionary himself if he thinks "persecute" is an intransitive verb. I mean, I guess it could be. I guess I could run around exclaiming, "I persecute! I persecute!" But most people are going to be all, "Oh yeah? Who? Just, like, everybody and everything? What are you talking about, you dumb piece of shit?"

If I were to receive a surprise interactive television and a shadowy figure appeared on the screen and told me to do crimes with it, the first thing I'd ask is, "Are you a cop?" Because a television has to tell you if it's a cop or else it's entrapment. Even if that were legally true and not just a legal urban legend, we all know cops lie so that isn't what I'd do. The first thing I'd do is say, "Man, don't you hate cops? They're so fucking stupid. You know, I heard to become a cop, you have to eat dog shit every day in training. And most cops love doing it! You've totally heard that and agree, right?" But The Penguin doesn't have to do that because on of The Joker's henchmen switches the light on and reveals that it's The Joker even though his hairstyle in the dark already revealed it was The Joker. Or Simon Stagg. But it wasn't Stagg so, you know, The Joker.

Oh, I guess you can blow out people's brains in a comic book based on a cartoon. It just has to be just off-screen.

Where did The Joker get the technology for Interactive Television in 1992? Did he invent it? If so, why not give up a life of crime and get rich selling Joker Interactive Televisions? Or, because we know The Joker is insane and loves playing with Batman, just use the profits to poison more of Gotham's water supply more often? Also, why does The Joker need The Penguin to steal something for him? Does The Joker currently have a bad case of diarrhea so he needs to stay close to his toilet? And why would The Penguin willingly team-up with the most insane person in Gotham? The Penguin is a nearly legitimate business man! He does crime for power and money not for obsessive or insane reasons like most of Batman's gallery of arch-villains.

The Penguin successfully pulls off The Joker's crime later that evening. Batman, arriving to the scene of the crime too late, still smashes through a window causing more damage than The Penguin and his goons. Batman investigates by asking the tied-up guard who committed the crime but the guard didn't see anything. Batman immediately ends the investigation because looking for other clues is fucking boring. He swings away on his Bat-Rope leaving the guard to think, "When did this window get smashed?"

Apparently The Penguin's attempts to sound better educated by learning new words daily comes on the heels of his dramatic change of persona in the public eye. He has, of late, been presenting himself as an actual, honest-to-God legitimate business person, giving to charity and appearing on television talk shows to redeem his reputation. He smokes while on television which makes me see him as a villain but then I remember this was published in 1992 and smoking had yet to be completely banned everywhere except casinos. Can people still smoke in casinos? I don't know because I haven't been in one in many, many years. I think the last time I visited Las Vegas was when that stripper offered to stab me in the face for $20 and I was all, "I'm in love!"

But Batman isn't falling for that shit! Not because he has evidence to the contrary but because he's a paranoid motherfucker who doesn't believe anybody can really change.

Okay, it's circumstantial, but I suppose that's evidence. You've bested my best argument, Bruce!

Alfred pouts Bruce some tea but Bruce doesn't drink tea. The caffeine really makes him edgy, especially when he's fully hopped up on amphetamines.

Bruce does a little research and realizes that The Penguin has been robbing banks owned by Gotham philanthropists which has bankrupted the philanthropists and allowed The Penguin to take over as the most charitable person in Gotham. Ha ha ha! Oh, cartoon economics! Thinking billionaires could be bankrupted by a few casual bank robberies! Have they never heard of the FDIC in Cartoon Gotham? Hell, forget any kind of federal insurance protecting wealthy people and their financial institutions! We've already seen that even if the insurance industries go broke betting on bad investments, the federal government will bend over backwards to make sure all the billionaires retain enough money to keep getting their dicks sucked by other financial institutions, investors, and all the fucking morons who still invest in the stock market. I don't mean they're fucking morons because the stock market isn't eventually lucrative for regular people who keep their money in it over a long period of time. I'm saying they're fucking morons for participating in a scheme that just makes the ultra-wealthy even more wealthy. Get your fucking money out of that shit! Let it die! Stop putting new money into their rigged system!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah! The Penguin has become the darling of Gotham high society! Although can he really be anything more than a passing fancy, being that he's fat, deformed, and ugly? That statement wasn't meant to offend fat, deformed, and ugly people! It was meant to offend high society by pointing out how fucking shallow they are! I would never do anything to hurt my fellow fats, deformeds, and uglies! Solidarity!

Bruce attends the Policemen's Charity Banquet. Oh, you modern kids might not know what means! Police used to have to beg for extra money to commit their illegal acts on the citizens they purport to protect. Obviously they don't need to engage in that kind of grift anymore because politicians from every party just love it when they give cops enough money to wage war on the poors. They know the poors are getting poorer and angrier thanks to their inability to give a fucking damn so they have to keep increasing the amount of money to police to keep the poors in check. Anyway, these Policemen balls usually honor the biggest donors.

Was allowing The Penguin to alternately go by "Oswald Cobblepot" for public appearances deemed too confusing for younger readers?

After The Penguin receives an award for being so generous, Commissioner Gordon rips it from his hands to hand over to the real recipient of the award: Bruce Wayne! Bruce managed to toss two million dollars at the Gotham Police just to piss of The Penguin. But now Batman can't say he hasn't killed anybody with a gun because that two million dollars is going to go toward killing a lot of poors. Also maybe Batman doesn't count the people Bruce Wayne gets killed when Batman declares he doesn't kill. Oh yeah, that totally tracks.

That ends the first two acts of the story and we still haven't found out what part The Joker's been playing in all of this. Maybe Kelley Puckett just forgot all about The Joker's appearance!

The last act is just The Penguin trying to rob and bankrupt Wayne Tower just like Batman figured. Piss off The Penguin and he'd go for Bruce next. Batman's waiting for them at Wayne Industries, takes all the henchmen out one-by-one, and finally confronts The Penguin. The Penguin, being dumb and low class and barely knowing any words from the dictionary, confesses thinking that Batman can't have him arrested just on the circumstantial evidence of having broken into Wayne Industries' vaults and being caught red-handed. Obviously the only way somebody could be arrested for robbery is if somebody videotaped it!

D'oh! I mean, "W'augh!"

The final panel shows The Joker happy about having got some scroll from The Penguin that's probably some blueprints of an important building or old Court of Owls' porn. But that's a story for another episode!

The Batman Adventures #1 Rating: B. Some panels from next month's comic appear after the letters page and it features Catwoman which reminds me that I've still got a Batman: The Animated Series Catwoman figure somewhere. I guess I was into the show somewhat. Not enough to really remember it but enough to have comics and action figures from it. Also I did just turn 21 around this time so maybe I got black-out drunk way more often than I realized! Maybe I just lost some memories when I was thrown from the mechanical bull? Also, this seems to be the only issue of this series that I own. Why couldn't stupid me have just stuck with the series for a full year?! I could be so rich if I'd owned Harley Quinn's first comic book appearance! If I had access to a time machine right now, I'd waste it because the way I'm feeling, I'd go back to 21 year old me and just kick him in the fucking balls.

Dead Again #5 (October 2001)

Mystic characters are the centrists of the DC Universe.

I used to think business people didn't think twice about us artistic types who live life foolishly with the winds of whimsy blowing us in chaotic directions. It wasn't until the last decade or so that I began to realize they think about us all of the fucking time. They can't stop thinking about us. I always thought they were happy just making loads of money like it was their kink and they couldn't get off any other way. But that's not it, is it? They were bamboozled by society into thinking that they had to strive for more and more money, devoting all of their time into earning so that they'd eventually have some free time to live life. But then they saw all of these other people slumming it at jobs that didn't destroy their souls so that they'd have plenty of free time to pursue art or activities that they actually enjoy. They saw that money doesn't equal freedom; freedom equals freedom! And they thought, "We can't let these people get away with enjoying life. I fucked it all up so now I'm going to fuck it up for them too." And so they making money was no longer their kink; making the world way more expensive to fuck with the free wheelers was. And the reason they're all so into Artificial Intelligence even though it's a huge money sink that will eventually ruin the environment completely is because they can use it to punish artistic people even further. They've built a plagiarism machine that doesn't even make them money but they're super into it because, hey, guess what? Those people whose rent we've hiked astronomically who are struggling now to afford the basic necessities of life? We're going to start taking their jobs too! Ha ha! Suck it, you people who actually know how to enjoy life!

Maybe I'm being too paranoid but it just seems to me rich people aren't exactly having fun. Sure, they can buy loads of drugs and hookers. But guess what? Poor people do drugs and fuck too! They just do them for free or at lower prices. I think business people never learned to love anything at whatever crucial stage of development people begin to fall in love with artistic and enjoyable and time-wasting things. They were probably too busy trying to get their daddies to love them by reciting all of the presidents in order or starting up a shit small business that everybody would fawn over. "Oh look! Little William Brady the Third is selling bottles of Perrier in front of the house for twice their normal cost and the neighbors we paid to buy his product are queuing up like crazy! Eventually, we might be proud of him and love him if his success ever doesn't depend on our money!"

In this equation, the Middle Class are those who spent time doing their fun shit in their 20s and early 30s before throwing in the towel to earn enough for a house and family while trading in their passions for alcohol. Do I blame them for keeping this bullshit Status Quo that dumps on anybody who doesn't want life to be a constant struggle? Yes, yes I do.

Deadman and I have something in common because he's forgotten the first four issues as well. Sure, I just read them. But I didn't retain them! Who has the brain space for that? I have to remember the lyrics to every Schoolhouse Rock episode I saw as a kid and every Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints songs that told me to tell the truth and not to lie and taught me how to soak. I don't have any fucking space for something Steve Vance wrote. Who the fuck is this Steve Vance anyway?

Oh! Would you look at that? He wrote and illustrated some of DC's Big Books! That's cool, I guess. He's cool. You're cool, Steve. But you're still not getting any space in my brain.

Currently, Deadman is arguing with Rama Kushna.

Oh, you really, really wanted something. I guess it's okay to ruin somebody's life then.

I'm not saying Rama Kushna's right about Deadman interfering with this guy's life. Things happen all the time that we have no control over and who's to say one way or another who's responsible. But I do find myself losing some respect for Deadman when his argument against the potential idea that Boston may have fucked up this guy's life is "But I desired something!" People will choose to believe (or choose to pretend to believe) any old shit if it enables them to satisfy some desire of theirs. People are always discussing Red Flags and I think my biggest Red Flag is when people choose to disregard the consequences of their actions or beliefs because to acknowledge that those actions or beliefs are destructive would mean that they're going to lose something they desire. One of my favorite shirts is Fox Mulder's "I want to believe" shirt because I think it's a fitting sentiment that's more subtle than most people think yet easily digestible as a way of summing up Fox Mulder. I have had multiple people see the shirt and respond to me on the street, "So believe." And every time, I resist saying, "Fuck you! Wanting to believe isn't the same thing as being able to believe! Wanting to believe is expressing the melancholy and isolation of seeing the flaws in something that you'd love to believe like every other simpering chimp but can't because you respect truth and science and experience. But, man, wouldn't it be nice to believe in some really fucking idiotic shit! So relaxing!" But to believe in things that aren't real is to open yourself up to a shit world because you'll ignore horrible truths that might tear down the belief you desire.

What I'm trying to say is this: Defund the police.

Deadman finally gets a glimpse at the person behind the voice and it has not been Rama Kushna.

This is the first I'm hearing about Hal Jordan's love of the sun.

Hal Jordan probably loves the sun because it's sort of a green color. Don't argue with that statement, you common sense hooligans. Science rarely uses common sense! Do your own research like you all pretend you like to do to prove the thing you desire to be is true! Well, fuck you, motherfucker! The sun emits mostly blue-green light so that's what fucking color it is even if we see it as white or yellow or orange or red! You stupid motherfuckers. I mean, Hal Jordan loves the sun so much it must be true. Do you think he'd love a yellow sun? He'd be incapable of it do to the limitations placed on him by his job!

Hal Jordan takes a moment to stick his fingers in Deadman's eyes as proof that Deadman doesn't have eyes or vision or any senses or anything. Hal basically just shits on him and is all, "You're nothing. You're a ghost. Ghosts are simply regressive selfish thoughts that refuse to die. You see what you want. You hear what you want. You dress like a fucking clown because you're so wrapped up in the life you used to have. Why is anybody even reading this fucking comic book? It might as well just be 22 blank pages."

This is the first I'm hearing about Hal Jordan's love of the band Rush.

Hal Jordan, The Spectre, reveals that Neron stole Hal's soul when he died rekindling the sun. Fuck! I always knew The Spectre was some soulless asshole! He says his soul completed Neron's pentagram which means that Hal Jordan, as I've always suspected, is terrible at math. How has Neron filled out a five-pointed star with five available slots for soul cages with just three souls: The Flash, Jason Todd, and Hal Jordan? Even if time is so fluid that, technically, Deadman's soul is still in one of the cages as Neron completes his spell, that leaves one space left! Neron never caught five souls!

After restoring Deadman's memory, The Spectre pulls his usual Centrist shit and is all, "That's all I can do! I can't do no more! Bye bye, sucker!" So now it's up to Deadman to save the world by possessing, I don't know, a mostly naked chick?

Oh no! I've exposed myself for the Victorian prude I am by calling this woman mostly naked!

Look, I know Victorians were massive horndogs! I'm just doing what we're all supposed to do: pretend that the thing everybody is pretending is the way things actually are! I hate the Status Quo but sometimes I'll play along with it because we all share a common language and most of that common language is bullshit, lies, and misconceptions!

Deadman's friend was one of his old circus buddies who lived in Nanda Parbat with him years ago. He's a detective now so he'll certainly be able to track down Neron the demon! Easy peasy!

Oh. Actually, the dude is pretty smart. He figures out that since the world hasn't gone to Hell yet even though The Spectre told Deadman that Neron has completed his plans then it means Caldera has yet to sell his soul to Neron and the plan hasn't actually even gone into action yet! Remember how Neron kept talking about time being fluid and shit? He was giving the game away! Neron's plan now hinges on Caldera's death so all Deadman has to do is keep Caldera from dying (or making the pact with Neron) and Bob's your uncle! Did I use that stupid expression correctly?

Through some slight body possessing, minimal detective work, and some good old fashioned circus acrobatics, Max and Boston discover the location of Caldera. And just in the nick of time as Boston flies through the wall to see Caldera performing the ritual to sell his soul to Neron! Boston tries his best to stop the ritual but he fails. I mean, he fails to stop the ritual but he does delay Caldera long enough so that Caldera dies just before he lights the final candle that summons Neron. Now Neron has been summoned but there's nobody to do the deal with! So he just says, "Curses! Foiled again!", and disappears.

Oh, okay. It was Kilowog and Tomar-Tu who filled out the rest of the pentagram.

Later, Max points out that the reason Hal Jordan used Deadman in this time travel mix-up was because how could a ghost mess up the timeline? And Boston is all, "Yeah! That's a good point! I totally didn't posses that one lady to save her baby that Doomsday definitely would have killed and I didn't totally possess that one Mongul henchman so I could throw myself from a huge height to kill him! I totally didn't mess up the time line at all!" Actually Boston doesn't mention that stuff because it's embarrassing that he actually did fuck up the time line and ruined Hal's plans. I bet that baby he saved turned out to be Grail!

Deadman and Max decide to work together to begin a monthly series based on The 13 Ghosts of Scooby-doo. They're going to dedicate their lives to tracking down all of the evil people who escaped Nanda Parbat when it was destroyed. And I have a four issues of that series so we're not finished with Deadman just yet!

Dead Again #5 Rating: A. I skipped over it in my discussion but I really liked the way Max and Boston figured out that Caldera probably wasn't dead yet. See, Neron had recently battled the Justice League but he wasn't rhyming at the time. And rumor had it that Neron was demoted to rhyming demon after that battle. Which makes sense because one of Neron's reasons for this plot was to regain his lost power and more. So they figured all that shit that happened in the past was done by the future Neron who had just recently been demoted. Pretty decent take for a time travel story since most time travel stories suck at understanding time travel. I don't mind with this one though because I just figured Hell doesn't do time like everybody else. Why should they? That's Status Quo bullshit! That's Heaven crap! Hail Satan!

Dead Again #4 (October 2001)

Oh no! The city is so sad!

I have a heart of stone so there's no way that I was moved when I found this anecdote in an old Constantine review from 2016 when I was looking up where I'd seen Neron before:

This weekend, my seven year old niece wanted me to pick her up because she had a secret she wanted to tell me. When I picked her up, she said, "Will you carry me forever?"

That kid is turning 16 in a day or two and I can only imagine the wicked, murderous stare I would get from her if I reminded her that she wanted me to carry her forever. Or maybe she'd just laugh. Anyway, I'm glad I wrote that down when I did because I had absolutely forgotten about it and it was so fucking adorable and it sort of hurts my stone heart that she stopped wanting me to carry her and we don't make huge messes when the extended family get together to eat out while we pretty much ignore everybody else at our end of the table and she'll never write a follow-up to her book, "Uncle Jeff Makes Me Puke." Happy Birthday, kid!

Oh! I forgot to mention that Jim Aparo did the art for the second issue starring Batman and Dead Robin. This issue, being that the guest star is Green Lantern, M.D. Bright will be in charge of drawing everything. I have to say, as a white devil, I might be a little bit offended by M.D. Bright's drawing of the demon Neron.

Come on, man! Neron should not look like this. His actual name isn't Chad! He's a fucking rhyming demon!

The sad part about how M.D. Bright drew Neron is that he pretty much nailed it. Who decided Neron should look like he's the lost third member of Nelson? I suppose it was Vincent Giarrano who was the artist on 1995's Manhunter #11, Neron's first appearance. Or was Vincent basing it on Howard Porter's design from Underworld Unleashed #1 which was Neron's "real" first appearance, with a name and a motivation and sexy hair and everything? One thing I do know: I need to find this fucking mini-series. I probably won't enjoy it but I do love me some Howard Porter art so at least my eyes will be happy as my brain forces tears of pain and frustration out of them at the same time.

On another note, Caldera seems to only need three superhero souls to fulfill his contract with Neron. Why the pentagram then? I'd suspect that The Flash counts for more than one soul because he's so powerful if the other two souls weren't Jason Todd, a non-super-powered jerk-face, and Deadman, a useless circus ghost. How can Neron be happy with this catch? I'd throw most of them back and burn Caldera's eyes out of his head before handing him over to the demons who force feed the damned burning piles of shit straight out of their own rectums (the damned's rectums, not the demons! Because it seems worse somehow. You'd expect to eat a demon's burning shit. But you wouldn't expect to eat your own burning shit! You wouldn't even expect your shit to burn! At least not when you haven't had a linguiça and jalapeño pizza the night before).

Neron takes Caldera to Superman's corpse where Caldera becomes the new Man of Steel. At this point, the old¹ me would suggest he fly right out and fuck Lois Lane because that would be hot. But the new me is all, "That would basically be rape and I shouldn't condone it even if these are fictional characters and also fucking Lois Lane would be hot." It just wouldn't be right to fuck Lois Lane, no matter how hot it is, without being honest about who you are! She has never said yes to Caldera's dick, no matter how many times she's screamed, "Yes!", because of Superman's.

Idiot. Superman just died! You think Neron can't make sure he'll die again?

Caldera seems to have forgotten that Superman's weakness is magic and that Neron and about five thousand other characters in the DC Universe can do magic. Also we just learned last issue that one of Superman's other weaknesses is being punched in the face to death. Why can't it happen again almost immediately? Especially when you mouth off to the demon who just gave Superman's body to you! I don't think you sign a contract with a demon and then when the contract seems fulfilled, you pull your pants down and wave your ass at the demon and call his mother a lousy whore (the whore part isn't the insult. The insult is that she's lousy at it).

Pardon me a second. I have to go ask some Alpha Cucks on Twitter if eating another man makes you gay.

Okay, I'm back. Anyway, Gay Neron really gets one over on that idiot Caldera. Unless Caldera has some other trick up his sleeve, like a sword he can use to hack his way out of Gay Neron's stomach. No wait. Caldera doesn't have any sleeves! So he's fucked. Unless he's got a rectum of steel (which he almost had but certainly doesn't now), he really has no other place to hide a sword.

Gay Neron mentions that he needs two more souls to complete his project which, I mean, of course he does! Apparently I know more about magic rituals than Caldera and all I did was once listen to Ozzy's "Mr. Crowley" and instantly started worshiping Satan². I guess you could say I had a natural flare for being a selfish douche who occasionally cursed people³ with my magic abilities.

Gay Neron used Caldera simply to have a little treat in the middle of the job.

Deadman escapes the soul cage by possessing a demon cherub for a brief moment. Then he dives into an orange rectum which, if I understand Hell correctly, is probably the only way out. I would scan the picture but nobody wants to see Deadman double-fisting a huge asshole as he flies face first into it. Oh wait. If I were a reader, I'd totally want to see that!

Sorry for getting everybody aroused with this filth.

When Deadman escapes Hell, he finds himself in the future. Superman has returned to life although he's unrecognizable in his black outfit and super hip mullet. Only Dan Jurgens, a man who died sometime in the mid-eighties and had his brain transferred to a read-only tape cassette so that he couldn't create new memories would think Superman looked cool in his new post-death look.

Deadman arrives in Coast City which has already been destroyed by Cyborg Superman and turned into an infant Warworld by Mongul. Gay Neron is here somewhere hunting down Green Lantern's soul. Unless he's hunting Parallax's soul? I have no idea when all that dumb shit happens.

Oh, I guess he is recognizable.

Punisher Superman gets his ass kicked by Mongul. Superman really needs to rethink this whole act of going toe-to-toe with big muscular aliens. Is it possible that over half of Superman's body is composed of his testicles?

Hal Jordan arrives just in time to save Superman by tackling Mongul. If Mongul weren't so embarrassed by his tiny pecker, he could easily defeat Hal Jordan by stripping naked. I've never seen Mongul's penis but anybody who creates Warworld over and over again is compensating for something. Deadman helps Hal Jordan defeat Mongul by leaving one of Steel's hammers in the exact spot that he knows Mongul will beat Hal's face in. Hal stumbles upon it just before Mongul kills him and turns the tables on Mongul. Deadman leaves immediately because what else could happen? Gay Neron's plans have been foiled, right?! He's down to two souls and he failed to get Hal's. It's fucking over, man!

No wait. There's still half of this issue and one more after this! Fucking Deadman. Get back here and help out!

Mongul didn't get naked but Supes and Steel did! Why couldn't Supergirl? I want to see her naked even if she is actually an amorphous blob.

After the battle, Deadman taunts Gay Neron but Gay Neron is all, "No wait! Actually, I won, you stupid jerk!" He then recites an epic poem about Hal Jordan's future, how he goes crazy from grief, murders all the Green Lanterns, and then becomes the Wrath of God! And somehow this means Gay Neron will get enough souls to become the ruler of Hell. It's a good plan if you don't think about it too much. Gay Neron also erases Deadman's memory, just in case Deadman's thinking of trying to stop him one last time which he is because there's one more issue.

Dead Again #4 Rating: C. This issue was kind of cheating because even though Hal went nuts and became a huge murderer and the opposite of a hero, he didn't die. But they had to work "Hal's Darkest Day" into this series. Hasn't any other big hero died that they could have used? What about Wonder Woman? Surely⁴ she's died a few times. Anyway, I can't praise a plot that uses the whole, "Ha ha! You didn't actually defeat me! You defeating me was my plan all along, you stupid bastard! Ah ha ha ha ha!" Hmm. Maybe I'll make that the plot of my next Dungeons and Dragons campaign! Nobody'll see it coming because I despise it so much!



_________________________________________________________________
¹ "Old" as in "two weeks ago."
² In my heart! I never actually read up on anything or did any work. I'm basically a Tao Satanist.
³ Two curses that I actually performed that somehow worked: 1. I cursed my cousin with hiccoughs which he had for nearly 24 hours; 2. I cursed a bicyclist riding recklessly to immediately crash.
⁴ Don't call me Shirley.

Dead Again #3 (October 2001)

Deadman's really going through it this month.

I say "this month" because I just realized that this entire series came out in October 2001 as a weekly comic. I just checked the calendar and October 2001, just like January 2025, had five Wednesdays in it. I'm assuming new comic book day was on Wednesdays in 2001. I don't remember when or how often it's changed but wasn't it Thursday or Friday in the '80s and '90s? I guess this was some kind of spooky Halloween event. The editors at DC thought, "What would be scarier than making fans revisit the deaths of all of our most beloved characters and also Jason Todd?" At least that explains why all of the comics in this series have the exact same advertisements in them. Really getting sick of Dave Chapelle grinning like a dope while being choked to death in the Right Guard advert on the inside cover.

Boston Brand's "so full of grief he can't take it anymore" is just my taking a massive shit face. At least Superman doesn't look as sexy as Robin did when he was dead. I'm always relieved when either an artist doesn't draw a dead person sexy or, and this might be the crux of it, I don't become aroused when looking at a drawing of a dead person. I don't think I have a necrophilia kick so I'm pretty sure the fault lies in the horny comic book artists.

Deadman gets another call from Rama Kushna telling him he's got to do something but then not telling him what it is but then immediately sending him to where he needs to be anyway. Luckily he's been through this twice before and knows the score: some hero is going to die, he's going to watch, then he's going to fail to escort them to heaven as they're soulnapped by Caldera.

As far as Deadman's concerned, the soon-to-be dead guy's probably gonna be Booster.

The only problem with this story is that Superman never actually died. Didn't he just slip into some sort of Kryptonian Healing Coma? Or is this story the explanation for why Superman was "dead" for so long! Because his soul was trapped by Caldera! Pretty sneaky, sis.

Doomsday and Superman "kill" each other at the same time so that Superman can die peacefully having saved the world. I suspect Steve Vance chose Superman as one of the souls to be captured by Caldera because DC marketed Superman's death as the greatest thing to ever happen in comic books ever (even though I've read some issues of Omaha the Cat Dancer that were way better!). The problem with using this moment is that it reminds readers just how boring the "Death of Superman" actually was. It's possible it's better in this issue because it was edited down to just a few panels instead of a half-dozen splash pages of Superman deciding that beating the shit out of something more powerful than he was using only his fists and no other super powers or plans or Batman was the best plan to save the world. It just made Superman seem violent and stupid when he was actually pretty fucking smart and patient. Who came up with the idea that Superman would succumb to some mindless piece of shit that was practically composed of rage and violence instead of Lex Luthor? Although, looking at the state of the world today and the fucking "violence redeems" idiots who helped elect not-even-arguably the stupidest piece of shit in America, perhaps it was more prescient than I was ready for at the time. The downfall of truth, justice, and the American way? Pure idiotic mindless violence. I'm sorry I ever doubted your vision, Dan Jurgens.

This is the calm of a man who just found an easy out from a terrible relationship.

That was just a metaphor! I'm not suggesting that Lois Lane was a terrible partner for Superman. Although, she was way better looking and way smarter than he was and probably really good at sex while the Christian farmboy learned to fuck by pre-ejaculating his way through two dozen dead escorts (purchased and subsequently buried by Pa Kent) as he learned to control the power of his ejaculate. She was too good for him, if anything.

Kryptonian semen remains in a woman's body until it can be expelled through grief.

I wrestled with that previous caption because it makes me sound like a Twitter Alpha Cuck Woman Hater who doesn't understand biology and calls for women to be imprisoned or killed if they aren't virgins before marriage because they know they'll never be able to satisfy a woman in bed and they live in terror of the look of pure disappointment in the woman's eyes when they get the head of their penis halfway inside of her before coming and croaking out, "Why did I come so fast? You must have done this before? What's your body count?!" I can't wait until sex robots become a thing and the guys buying them learn that their sex robots all had to be tested before being sold on market and they get jealous that a Penetration Machine has fucked their robot wife before them.

The heavens open up like a blooming bud eager to enfold Superman into it's velvety pink petals. Deadman comments that he's never seen heaven so eager to accept somebody into her. Superman winks, forgets all about Lois, and strides confidently into the waiting grasp of Darius Caldera! It was a honey trap!

After experiencing this scenario two times before, Deadman finally realizes what he must do to save Superman: fall into Caldera's soul cage himself! He sacrifices himself and Superman gets away because he's not really dead anyway. But now Deadman is in a cage in hell alongside Jason Todd and Barry Allen. And it's here that he learns how Caldera became so powerful.

Oh joy. Neron.

When I last read a story with Neron, he thought it would be a great idea to capture Apollo's soul because Apollo was gay. Although even Neron knew that was a bad look, to say Apollo was in Hell for being gay! So instead he was all, "You're here for murder and more murder and also the joy you find in murder. Not, and I can't stress this enough, because you put your dick into Midnighter's mouth and butthole and probably other fucked up places being that he has such an extraordinary healing factor. I'm not going to ask because I don't want to get into your personal business. Hell doesn't care what you get up to in the bedroom! You're hear for the non-gay sins!" And Midnighter was all, "I'm going to go to Hell and eat Neron's skin until he begs me to douse him in holy piss (that's holy water that I drank while eating a meal of asparagus and Brussels sprouts and then pissed into this Neron-sized container)."

Neron and Caldera explain the plan. The first part everybody knew. Caldera made a deal to live longer than the one day he had left, preferably in another body. Neron accepted the deal at the price of five heroic souls. So far, Caldera has captured one heroic soul and a Robin and Deadman. But it seems fitting enough so far for Neron because he's ready to enact the next part of the plan: putting Caldera's soul into Superman's body! Was there a chapter in "The Reign of the Supermen" where one of the new Supermen was a huge dick who went shirtless in a skirt and captured souls for his demonic buddies in Hell? I didn't read the series but if that's something that happened, I'm never speaking to my friend Upright again for not telling me how cool the aftermath of "The Death of Superman" was!

Dead Again #3 Rating: B. I don't have too many memories of Neron although he definitely appeared in some of the pre-New-52 titles I read growing up. Did I ever read Underworld Unleashed? I have no fucking clue. If only I'd been writing blog entries about the things I read or the stuff I watched when I was younger, I wouldn't have to re-read all of this shit! It's almost like I'm experiencing two lives in one life and I'm wasting the second life by simply reliving the first life! Occasionally, some commenter calls me stupid and, well, I think I have to agree! What the fuck am I doing here?!

See you tomorrow for Issue #4!

Dead Again #2 (October 2001)

Why does Deadman's happy, celebratory face look so anguished and sad?

Yes! I can't wait to relive the moment Jason Todd's skull gets smashed in by a crowbar! Some of you (most of you?) probably weren't alive when Jason Todd was killed by The Joker but it might have been the best time to be a DC Comics' fan. Not only did Jason Todd die, we got to call in and vote to kill him! Not that I voted to kill him. Or read the comic book at the time. Or cared that about Robin at all even though I'm acting like it was the greatest moment of my life. I was too busy hating Marv Wolfman's version of Dick Grayson to care about Jason Todd! I'm just trying to be edgy and shocking! What kind of an Internet personality would I be if I admitted to being super sad when Robin died? I'd be one of those earnest people on tumblr who everybody respects for their profound insights and empathic posts that help us all get through life just a little bit easier. If I ever found out I was one of those posters, I'd bash my own head in with a crowbar after having written two notes: my suicide note explaining in tearful, melancholy prose how anguished I truly was, hiding behind an outlook of optimism, hope, and compassion, and another note saying, "Be sure to post my suicide note on my tumblr! thanks!"

Just like the first cover, I think José Luis García-López didn't have a clear idea of what he was supposed to be drawing. Did he think Deadman was supposed to look sad and anguished because Batman had just proposed to Robin and was leaning in for a passionate kiss as Robin leans sensually in his arms? Maybe I've got some kind of face blindness that makes me equate "unconscious and/or dead" with "totally up for it." Because I've accused other artists of making unconscious or dead women look like they're coming their brains out. I can't remember all the artists I've accused of that but David Finch and Tony Daniels were definitely two of them.

I just noticed David Finch looks like Michael Berryman's hotter, younger brother. Has he ever been approached to do a The Hills Have Eyes prologue movie, before whatever turned Pluto into Pluto happened to Pluto? If it were up to me (and probably David Finch), it'd be an NC-17 flick.

I don't like to surmise that Batman and Robin engage in sexual intimacy (and have probably only done so about six or seven dozen times (across 4000+ blog entries! So barely any, really!) but I can't deny that it looks like Batman is going in for some sweet, sweet Robin's eggs here. I only mention it, yet again, so that I could mention how I rarely ever mention it. So this one doesn't count!

Caldera looks like he's about to be introduced as the next Overwatch character.

If Caldera were the next Overwatch playable character, he'd be voiced by Andy Samberg, for sure.

Caldera takes The Flash to his secret dimensional hideout to power one arm of his mystic pentagram. The other four points will be powered by other heroes who have died. It doesn't matter if they've died and come back to life because his mystic pentagram has been built outside of time and space, as he explains to The Flash using speech which can only be produced through time where the vibrations move across space. I don't know. It's magic not science!

"You can't run fast here, Flash! Ignore that the noises leaving my mouth and entering your ear via vibrations through speech and can only be understood when lined up across a time continuum act exactly like your superspeed would act."

I'm such a jerk! I'm reading "Time as I conceive it does not work here" in a comic book where time does not work like I conceive it and I'm complaining that it doesn't make any sense! I really should purchase that crowbar for later use.

A rhyming demon warns Caldera that he still has much to do which must mean Caldera has trapped Flash in Hell. I guess that's as outside of time as you can get because remember that time Anton Arcane wound up in Hell and Swamp Thing visited him and Anton was all, "How long have I been here? One thousand? Two thousand years?" And Swamp Thing checked his watch and was all, "Oh, about fifteen minutes, actually." And then Anton Arcane screamed for like two million more years, give or take an hour.

Many years later, long after Crisis on Infinite Earths was forgotten by everybody involved and all the editorial mistakes caused by Crisis were cleared up (or compounded, depending on how rationally your brain works) by Zero Hour, Rama Kushna calls on Deadman once again. Deadman doesn't remember the last issue but Rama assures him that this mission he's being sent on is a follow-up to a previous mission. Deadman doesn't argue or ask too many questions because he's a dead guy and a ghost and almost fully lacks the free will that living humans falsely believe they don't lack. "I will choose free will." Oh, good one, Geddy! Just like you chose to be born, right? Maybe go read another Ayn Rand novel, you simp!

That was me chastising young Geddy Lee before he realized the "philosophy" of Ayn Rand was simply a nonsensical defense of selfishness. Her entire philosophy, or at least what everybody has bought into because they're twats, was "Why should I do anything for anybody else when I never ask anybody else to do anything for me? I am fully a creation of my own effort and will and owe nothing to nobody at all, no matter how often people point out that every single modern person alive owes a massive, unrepayable debt to the generations that came before."

Here's my argument against Ayn Randian libertarianism: "If I want to get my dick sucked, I can't constantly decry dick sucking. I have to accept that dick sucking is a noble, communal, giving, compassionate gift from one member of the community to another." The only people who should believe in libertarianism are people who can suck their own dicks (or slurp their own clits). Also maybe replace "dick sucking" with something less vulgar if you're going to present this argument to your grandparents.

Deadman finds himself in Ethiopia where he decides to pop into a little shed to see what's going on in a place where he doesn't have to see all the suffering and starvation around him.

Ah! Much better!

Deadman possess The Joker just long enough to stop the killing blow to Jason Todd's Bat-noggin. The Joker tells his henchman he has to clean up his underwear while they fret about how many bones Batman is going to break in their bodies when he finds out about this. The Joker, being reminded that Batman exists, decides his pants can wait. He needs to blow up all the evidence that he murdered Robin. He ties some woman named Sheila who totally can't be Jason Todd's mom to a post, has his henchmen set us up the bomb, and flees the scene. Deadman lets The Joker and his henchmen go so he can possess Robin and disarm the bomb without their interference.

Deadman has to crawl across the floor using Jason Todd's lips.

This aside really belongs in one of my The Crusades reviews but I just realized Steven T. Seagle wrote on a DC Grifter comic in the mid-'90s and I am fucking intrigued. Grifter was the absolute worst comic book of some truly shit comic books when The New 52 began so I'd like to read the character written by a writer I actually like! Okay, back to the death of that fucker, Jason Todd.

Deadman tries his best but Sheila and Jason are still locked in the shed when the bomb goes off. Jason Todd dies in the blast but his "mother", thrown clear, survives. Jason Todd takes the news of his death pretty calmly.

Oh, so when he's dead, Todd's all, "I get it! I'm so calm about everything!" But alive Todd is all, "I want to shoot everybody in the face!"

Batman comes stumbling in like a drunk late to the party just screaming Robin's secret identity for anybody to hear. Deadman thinks about possessing Batman and then smashing himself in the face with the crowbar but Jason Todd stops him. He admits his death is his own stupid fault. Then he watches his mother tell Batman that he was a good kid and he cries. After that, he's kidnapped by Darius Caldera in a soul cage and taken to Hell to hang out with Barry Allen. Although since time means nothing in Hell, shouldn't he have already been there when Barry was brought in? And Barry was already there when Jason was brought in? And each of them were already there when each of them were brought in? Fuck, my head hurts. I need some opium. How can Portland be as liberal as it is but we don't have any opium dens?!

The issue ends with Boston Brand shrugging his shoulders and thinking, "Well, nothing I can do now! Might as well go back to possessing people playing miniature golf for some kicks and laughs!" Batman, on the other hand, cradles Jason Todd and screams, "I told you not to go after The Joker alone! I was right! You were wrong! And now look what happened?! I'm sad!"

Dead Again #2 Rating: B+. It's a little better than the last one. But that'll happen when you get to see The Joker murder Jason Todd on panel. Sure, it was fun seeing Barry Allen disintegrate from contact with antimatter as well. But not quite as satisfying. As for Deadman, what the fuck has he done so far? Absolutely nothing! Unless this entire series was to clear up minor errata that fans had been bringing up for years about each of these characters' deaths. "Why didn't The Joker completely finish Robin off with the crowbar? Why leave him alive to almost escape the bomb? Makes no sense, DC!" "Why didn't the Qwardians kill The Flash when they had the chance?! How did he buy time to destroy the antimatter canon?!" You know what? As I began writing the second one, I'd lost interest. No way fans were pointing out inconsistencies in Barry's death, right? No, no. That's a terrible way to think. Always remember: fan complaints about comic book plots are the Rule 34 of comic book fandom. Any plot you can mention, somebody wrote an irate letter about it. It's just, before the Internet, nobody published most of that hateful nerd garbage!

Dead Again #1 (October 2001)

Wait. This isn't The Spectre.

Deadman isn't know for being the size of a poorly dressed kaiju and holding the corpses of damned fools. But The Spectre is absolutely known for that. Did José Luis García-López get the assignment and, being that they were 54 years old here (an age I'm so super close to it scares the shit out of me) at the time, did they just read "Deadman" as "The Spectre"? Then halfway through the painting, Vance dropped a message, "How's that Deadman cover coming along?" And José Luis García-López was all, "¡Santa mierda!" Then they quickly erased the hood, threw up some big collars, and masked all the greens and filled in red. Or, and here's a big shocker to nobody who regularly reads anything I write online, being that I'm nearly 54, I don't know what I'm talking about and just don't remember that maybe Deadman constantly takes the form of a gigantic zombie. Who knows? It's 50-50 one way or the other according to First Law of Schrödinger's Cat Club. I think the formal rule is "Ignorance is a coin flip."

Another surprise revelation: I don't remember anything from this comic from 24 years ago or why I picked it up. If I had to bet, I'd guess the phrase, "A Crisis in Hand!", aroused something masturbatory in me and I couldn't resist. Or I just glimpsed quickly at the exposed chest and thought this was a Power Girl comic. Or I just loved when Barry Allen died so much that I wanted to revisit it.

The issue begins with an augury.

Technically, a haruspicy. Take that, person on tumblr who was about to reblog this with a long explanation on the history of augury.

I constantly write as if somebody is actually reading this. Is that a psychosis of some sort? I remember when I was reading every issue of The New 52 and had over a thousand readers thinking, "People really enjoy my reviews!" But I quickly realized, from the way people told me how much they hate my reviews, that they really just wanted to know what was happening in The New 52 without actually having to read The New 52. I should have blocked them all! Go read the synopsis of The New 52 by all those boring comic book "reviewers", like my nemeses, the guys at Weird Science, whom I'd totally forgotten about! My guess is that reading the synopses of all the DC plots is the main reason anybody reads their boring reviews that never discuss their personal flaws or the times they committed sleepy sex crimes against animals, or whatever other weird stuff I'm sure they got up to but aren't telling their loyal readers who deserve to know. I know Eric sucked milk directly out of a cow's teat. Just be honest, guys!

I hope one of them is named Eric or it'll look like I have no respect for my enemies.

Back to this first page that is super complicated and profound. For example, we learn that the dawn is the beginning of the day when things are first illuminated. And being illuminated means learning something. And what's better to learn at the beginning than an ending? I just mean if you're a writer trying to be literary. Plus the oracle kills a cock which usually crows at dawn. It brings knowledge of the coming day. Now, in its death, it brings knowledge of the oracle's coming death. The main thing this scene leaves me wondering is this: how often does this man try to augur the day of his death? You'd think he'd only need to do it once and then he'd have the knowledge. Which should mean this is his first time doing it so it's a huge coincidence that he discovers he's going to die that night! That's bad luck. Unless, because prophecy is a really tricky and manipulative jerk, the act of scrying for his death date actually brings about his death! I always knew you shouldn't play with this mystic shit. It's like never going to the doctor and then when you finally do, they're all, "Oh, you've got Stage 8 Cancer of the Everything." People probably think, "Oh no! You should have gone sooner!" But we all know it was the whole looking in the box that was the problem and the coin came up tails. Should have left the fucking hospital or rooster or box alone!

The old guy spends the rest of the day incanting some spell to make sure he will live forever. Not necessarily in the old, frail body he's currently residing in but somewhere, somehow. I guess I've got a better answer now to the question of how I would spend the last 24 hours if I knew I was going to die: cast a spell to make sure that I don't die!

This pile of narrative nonsense takes place at the same moment the old guy's spell activates.

I call the words in the above page "narrative nonsense" because they either say nothing or actively contradict each other at the same time. It's like an incredibly complicated math equation. It looks intense but both sides of the equation equal the same thing and it's usually something boring like one or zero. It's at the same moment but time doesn't mean anything. It's not a different dimension but a different perception which, at best, is semantics and, at worst, means nothing at all. Every thing is too subtle but also too vast, under but also over. It is infinite but immeasurably brief. It's the written equivalent of a close-up magician making you look at the wrong hand so that you think actual magic just happened. "Oh look at all the words and complex thoughts! I just read something profound!"

So after the old man casts his lich spell and the floaty guy disappears from his infinite second, Deadman floats above Earth during DC's first ever major Crisis event.

Why is this fucker talking like Trump?

Obviously there are worse things about people who support Trump but really early on in 2015 or 2016, I was all, "I don't care if you support Trump but if you actually think he's smart, you're a fucking imbecile." Now I would never say that because of all the other horrible things supporting Trump obviously makes you!

I scanned the most boring part of that page because I wanted to point out that Deadman was speaking like a 2nd grader. Beneath Deadman, the scene is full of dinosaurs and panicked people and crashed satellites and George Washington (unless it's Paul Revere and he's all, "The Anti-Monitor is coming! The Anti-Monitor is coming!"

The issue is called "The Quick and the Dead" because I think that's one of Jesus's parables and also Deadman and The Flash star in this comic. I'm more of a Genesis expert than a New Testament expert. I haven't read The New Testament straight through, possibly because every time Jesus tells a parable, the slackers following him around are all, "What does it mean?! What are you saying?! DURR DURR DURR DURR!" And then Jesus has to explain the parable. But then later, Jesus will tell another parable that leaves them confused so he sighs and tells them what it means. One thing I'll say for him, Jesus is cool. I mean, he's stubborn and expects a lot out of his followers and never gives up on the idea that maybe someday they'll be able to use their brains.

Deadman spots a couple of guys he recognizes in the crowd and floats down to see what's up.

It's God's Wrath and, I don't know, Judas Iscariot in a fedora.

For the Wrath of God, The Spectre acts unreasonably calm in the face of total annihilation. Shouldn't this motherfucker be raging at the dying of the anti-light? Instead he's gossiping with his fancy lad friend. Deadman ditches these losers to go watch the real heroes like Superman and Blue Beetle save the universe.

Deadman thinks he knows his limits as a ghost who happened to die in the most humiliating outfit imaginable but he soon learns differently. Rama Kushna contacts him to let him know he has a purpose!

I mean, he doesn't tell him what that purpose is. Just hints around at it like a fucking jerk.

I guess "Time is of the essence" means "I don't have time to explain how you can save the entire fucking universe but I will hint cheekily at it and hope you figure it out or everybody is fucked. Oh well! Look at all the words that followed 'Time is of the essence' that could have been used to tell you what to do! What did you expect from some sort of Zen-Buddhist god-like being? You're lucky I wasn't all, 'Time is off the essence but if you "book" it, the necessary "changes" will be brought about.' Then imagine how much time you'd waste throwing coins to cast your hexagram to figure out what to do! Man, I made it way too easy for you this time!"

Deadman sees The Flash appear in that iconic moment where he's running to save everything while dying from antimatter and Boston thinks, "Hey! The clues from Rama! I gotta become The Flash! OH!" Great. My brain just fucked me by deciding that Deadman sounds like Andrew Dice Clay. I might as well get comfortable living with it because it's the only voice I'm going to hear when reading any of his lines until the day I die. Thanks, brain. You're more like my asshole than you realize.

Oh hey! There's an advert for Tang on the opposite page that either makes no sense or makes the most awful sense.

Is Tang implying school sloppy joes are made from orangutan?

Deadman hitches a ride on The Flash into the antimatter universe of Qward. But the trauma from the trip knocks him loose and he loses The Flash once he gets there. He also encounters the Anti-Monitor overseeing construction of his antimatter cannon which will be used to destroy the non-antimatter universe (that doesn't sound right. Posimatter? Promatter? Plusmatter? Bettermatter? Just matter?!) so Deadman tries to possess him. I don't know what his plan after that was. Can he force a person to jump off a cliff and dash themselves upon some rocks Midsommer-style or is that against the rules? It doesn't matter because he just bounces directly off the Anti-Monitor. The Anti-Monitor senses that some weird guy just tried to enter him but becomes distracted when The Flash appears wielding Psycho-Pirate as a weapon.

Classic Barry Allen plotline! Force a sad, crying man to whip everybody into a frenzy and then accept all the accolades for saving the day.

The Flash abandons Psycho-Pirate after using him for his powers. He lies on a scaffold, crying, broken, full of so many emotions that aren't his. The perfect body for Deadman to control and use for himself! Deadman possesses Psycho-Pirate to make sure all the Qwardians run in fear to give The Flash time to destroy the antimatter cannon. Then he also abandons Psycho-Pirate who, I'm assuming, immediately kills himself.

As the antimatter cannon comes apart, Deadman goes into a two-page fugue state where he remembers his origin story and subsequent adventures. That's for everybody who picked up this comic book and were all, "What's a Deadman? How is this guy a hero? What made him dead? How come he's a man? I'm intrigued!" Well, now they know how it happened! And you can too if you just search "Deadman" on Wikipedia!

Deadman fails to save The Flash in the end. Which we all knew because Barry Allen died in the original Crisis and nobody had yet thought, "You know what would be awesome? If we brought back that boring motherfucker Barry Allen! The guy nobody is clamoring to bring back! The one guy absolutely and fully surpassed by his protégé, Wally West." So instead of saving The Flash, Deadman's job is to make sure The Flash goes into the light, never to fucking return. Ever. Get out of here, Barry! Don't let the cosmic door hit you in the place where you shit poo!

But Deadman fails at this task too! He's stopped just on the threshold of Heaven by some guy named Darius Caldera!

It's the guy who did the augury at the beginning!

Darius lived in Nanda Parbat when Deadman lived there and since everybody in Nanda Parbat was basically an evil supervillain turned peaceful by the calming rays of Zen Buddhism, now that Panda Barbat has been destroyed, Darius is a huge jerk again. And he doesn't want to die so he cast that spell to keep him at death's threshold, waiting for a chance to return to life via some trickery involving the dead who pass by.

So that's his plan! Capturing powerful souls to wear as jewelry!

There must be a second part to Darius's plan but he decided not to reveal it in this issue. I'm sure it has something to do with using the souls to resurrect himself. But it could also be something more cool, like using the soul's to usurp God's throne and become the ruler of all creation himself! For some reason, he doesn't want Boston Brand's soul. I guess circus performers are beneath him.

Dead Again #1 Rating: B. Deadman wasn't any help at all in the infinite Earth crisis, simply observing and shouting stuff and using actual thought bubbles to express himself. So Rama Kushna must have contacted Boston to stop Darius Caldera from stealing the souls of all of the most popular DC characters that have ever died and using them as flair and accessories. If The Flash became a necklace, what will Caldera use Jason Todd for? Hopefully a Prince Albert. I only mention Jason Todd because I've already seen the cover to the second issue. If I had to guess which souls Caldera was taking, the soul of the worst Robin ever wouldn't have been in my top 80 guesses. I don't even know 80 characters who have died but I'd still put all of those blank spaces before Jason Todd. Ugh! What a loser! Granted, the only Jason Todd I'm really familiar with was written by Scott Lobdell in The New 52's Red Hood and the Outlaws so you'd understand why my hatred for him runs deeper than the jade egg I shoved up my ass before writing this.

Justice League America #83 (December 1993)

Corbett. Corbett is next. How can you forget his name?! It was only said 18,000 times across the last three issues.

Last issue, we learned Guy Gardner is a murdering jackhole that can't stop trying to put his dick into Wonder Woman's butthole. I've extrapolated some of that information from Vado's text as the reference to Wonder Woman's butthole wasn't explicitly stated. But it's there if you do the work and read closely between the lines. It's also possible that I just see Wonder Woman's butthole everywhere I look. It's not the most terrible mental illness in the world. As long as you don't explain why you're poking your finger into every hole or gap you encounter, other people don't think much about it. They just think I'm curious and I've got terrible asthma.

I'd be willing to bet my mother's life that editorial mandated this story about the Guy Gardner imposter after Dan Vado's terrible depiction of the character. "Look, we know Guy's a jerk," Brian Augustyn said, "But he's not a murdering psychopath who can't stop hitting on every woman he encounters. He's a hero, you idiot. Who hired you? Make this right or DC will have to fire you. And then what will you do? Make a living with your little Slave Labor Graphics gig? Nobody wants to read that alternative press crap." And Dan Vado was all, "Alternative Press? Fuck yeah. Now that's a convention!" And the next year, I was handing out copies of The Galactic Hero Corps at the first Alternative Press Expo in San Jose and hanging out with Too Much Coffee Man.

I had seriously forgotten that Dan Vado started Slave Labor Graphics and began the Alternative Press Expo! I knew his name was familiar, being that I'm from Santa Clara and drove by Slave Labor Graphics when it was on Bascom Avenue quite often and attended the Alternative Press Expo at least twice. But all I really knew about Slave Labor was that they published Milk & Cheese.

After Blake is murdered by Guy, Corbett cradles him in his arms and weeps. I thought they were just guy pals but now I suspect something a little more Wildean about their relationship. Guy's murder of Blake lets the fish space police gain the moral high ground which they immediately use to condemn Wonder Woman and all the people of Earth.

I actually believe this fish space policeman because he did everything he could by the book. Except for shooting Crater. Which was a total accident. Probably.

And that's it for the saga of Blake and Corbett! What a story! Full of twists and turns and attempted rapes. It showcased Diana's upstanding defense of truth and justice. Which ultimately led to her protecting violent criminals and then having one of her employees murder one of the violent criminals that they were supposed to be giving asylum to. I'm not totally sure if the story was supposed to make Wonder Woman look heroic or a naïve pushover? Anyway, it's over and now it's time to hunt down Guy Gardner!

Captain Atom informs Wonder Woman that the government will probably want to prosecute Guy but I'm not sure how that's going to work. He killed an alien who only just arrived to Earth and then his body was transported off of Earth, leaving no sign of the crime or the victim except the witnesses. But does the law even apply to extra-terrestrials? If the government prosecutes Guy for murdering an alien, don't they also have to prosecute themselves? I've seen the alien autopsy video! I know what this government's been up to!

I know I've made fun of Kevin West's art a lot, being that he's got a lot of the '90s tropes happening in it, but I feel I should state this plainly: I actually really like a lot of it. He draws a fantastic Wonder Woman. I have a feeling that some of his worst panels are because he's modeling characters off other artists of the time. When West isn't drawing everybody standing like an action figure with legs akimbo, I actually fucking love his art. There. Is everybody happy when I tell the truth and drop the facetious, angry idiot act?

I actually added that last paragraph so that people will think most of what I write is an act and I'm not an angry basement dwelling virgin idiot! Ha ha! Fooled you!

See?! See?! The legs akimbo thing! What's wrong with everybody? Do they all have juicy loads in their pants?

This is the final issue of Justice League America that I purchased way back in 1993. What series should I read next? Which series will I read next? Nobody knows! Not even me! Whatever's in the next box I open, I suppose. I really want to reread Transmetropolitan which is on my shelves and technically probably should be the next thing I read but do I really want to write about it? Most of my posts will look like this: "Yes! Oh my God! Hilarious! How does Warren Ellis do it?! When did Darick Robertson get so good?! His art was so mediocre in Justice League Europe!" Then there will be six paragraphs, alternating, of "Ha ha ha!" and "Mind blown!" Then I'd rate the issue five big hard dicks out of five and try to score some futuristic drugs.

While Guy Gardner runs around the city probably murdering jaywalkers, Booster Gold decides to shit all over his friend, Ted Kord. Ted has been squirrelled away in his basement lab working day and night on a suit of armor for Booster so Booster can get back to doing what he loves: being in the public eye. But is Booster grateful? Does he see that as Ted Kord being part of the team? Of course not!

Is Dan Vado trying to make me hate every member of the League?

How is Beetle turning his back on the League? He just made you a major piece of technology to get you back into action, you piece of shit! He's been through major trauma! Too bad The Sanctuary wasn't up and running in 1993. Maybe Ted Kord could have gotten back into the Beetle suit sooner. Or maybe it's a good thing The Sanctuary didn't exist in 1993. Ted Kord is fine playing the combined role of Oberon and Kilowog. The world doesn't need one more costumed rich guy who doesn't have any powers and also probably has a long term brain injury thanks to Doomsday.

There's a few pages of the drama going on in Ice's homeland but that's the B Story and since I didn't stick with this comic book until it became the A Story, I don't really care about it. Is that the story where Ice dies? If so, I'm glad I never read it. Fuck Dan Vado if it is! If it isn't, I'm sorry I said, "Fuck Dan Vado," Dan Vado.

Oh no! The B Story is rearing its head too soon. Shoo! Shoo! Get back!

I guess I have to acknowledge the Ice Battles Her Brother for the Throne of the Northern Lands subplot if it gets Blue Beetle back into his costume. It looks like this Ice rescue mission is turning into the first I Can't Believe It's Not the Justice League story! Especially since Guy Gardner comes strutting into the room while they're discussing it. Which causes them to all freak out because Guy constantly murders people now and always tries to fuck Wonder Woman. Eeep!

Guy acts like everybody should be impressed with his murder ability but they're all, "We have to stop you!" At least this time, Guy attacks Booster Gold first. Unlike last time when it was the Real Guy and he stopped by to see Ice and then everybody began to beat the shit out of him.

Wonder Woman shows up with her lasso but Guy uses his ring to keep it from touching him. That's suspicious! Why doesn't Guy want to tell the truth?! What's he hiding?! I can't even imagine the shit I'd tell Wonder Woman if I were caught in her lasso. I'd probably be all, "I can't stop watching Sailor Moon! And not in a weird pedo way! I'm pretty sure I'm envious of the Sailor Scouts! Why can't I be a pretty soldier in a sailor suit?! I want to flirt with boys and wear short skirts and eat Japanese snacks and shower with my friends! Hmm, okay, maybe there's a little weird pedo stuff in there. But only because I want to be a cute young girl!"

Anyway, the team defeat Guy Gardner. As they're deciding what to do with Guy Gardner, Guy Gardner walks in looking like '90s Image trash and sporting a '90s Image gun.

At least now I know why I never bought Issue #84. This image made me so sick, I threw up, had a mini-stroke, and forgot all about this series.

I hope the next series I read is Guy Gardner, Warrior!

Justice League America #83 Rating: C. In the same way that Crimson Fox wound up being two people instead of one to satisfy letters being written about how her accent kept disappearing, this whole two Guy Gardners story feels like an editorial mandate to fix continuity issues. The continuity issues this time were probably Guy Gardner acting so much worse than he usually acts in Justice League America while he was probably being his normal terrible self which was more charming than disgustingly irritating. Letters were probably pouring in saying things like, "Sirs, I have talked to the pooch and it has accused you of anal penetration. You have created an untenable situation in the characterization of that anti-hero, Guy Gardner. I would be remiss not to send this missive chastising your company for the way you call two different characters by the same name and expect the readers to somehow fix the anomaly within our minds as we read. I assure you that this is too large a discrepancy to handle in the usual fan way, i.e. simply ignoring it and screaming, 'La la la la,' whenever your brain begins, 'Actually...'." Editors hate that shit. That's when they pull the Cat o' Nine Tails out of the secret wardrobe in their office and begin stalking the halls of the DC offices looking for writers to whip into submission. "Fix this, you dumb bastards! I can't endure this idiotic thirty-plus year old man babies thinking they're smarter than us! Make this right in a way that shows they were fucking wrong or I bring out the Pear of Anguish!" Anyway, I don't know how this resolved. I think I own Guy Gardner, Warrior #15 which might be where this story finishes. So I might learn how it resolves some day! Maybe Guy Gardner, Warrior will be the next comic I read! I think I only have 17 issues of that because whenever it became simply Warrior, it was always sold out and I never saw it on the shelves again and then I completely forgot it was even a thing, simply believing it was cancelled in the middle of a story arc.

Overall, I can see why people disliked this volume of Justice League America. Even when Dan Jurgens came in to make it more serious, it simply seemed like a standard villain of the month comic biding its time until the Death of Superman. And Dan Vado and Kevin West did not do it for me at all. So much so that I stopped reading the series with an issue that says "Part 1" right on the cover. I never fucking did that! I always had to know how stories ended! I must have really vomited a lot after that Guy Gardner last page appearance. And also the mini-stroke. Unless my brain simply blocked out this series as if I had suffered some serious physical trauma. Maybe it was so bad that I blocked out the existence of Guy Gardner, Warrior as well! What if all those months, the comic book was on the shelves on new comic book day but my brain just blurred it out of existence, turning it into one of those 3D paintings of a schooner that most people only pretend to be able to see!

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Justice League America #82 (November 1993)

Kevin has levelled up his '90s Image style to include loads of lines on male faces, no pupils, and scads of teeth.

Other things Kevin West has in common with this awful trending style of the times: all pants are painted onto muscular legs while joining up in a weird diaper crotch area that all but screams "I used an articulated art figure or a small G.I. Joe as a model for this!"; thumbs that simply look like a smaller finger but is somehow longer than the other fingers because how do you make fingers come out of a hand?; when not drawing a fist, draw a claw (like the one on the cover where the hand becomes much too wide because they don't know how four fingers fit on a normal-sized hand and also the first two fingers are basically the same exact finger); when something blocks part of one of the character's limbs, completely forget how long or short or extant that limb should be on the other side of the obstruction.

Dan Vado's instruction for this cover was probably, "Guy Gardner loves killing. He can't get enough of killing. So show him absolutely thrilled that he's killing somebody. To make sure you know he's trying to kill Blake (or Corbett. You choose which hair style is easier for you!), Wonder Woman should be trying to stop him with one abnormally long arm. Try not to show any feet at all!"

I wouldn't bet on Vado having added the feet part of the instructions. How often do feet appear on a cover anyway? Unless the cover is by Dan Jurgens because he loves drawing people flying in a foreshortened pose so their weird atrophied legs can dangle beneath them.

If you're going to advertise the new Robin comic this way, I'm going to expect Robin to masturbate every issue.

"Finally some peace and quiet," exclaims Robin as he pulls his gay and straight porn out from the only place Bruce never looks: an old family photo album. "Bruce is in Metropolis flirting with Superman and Alfred's at some old SAS reunion in London that will probably wind up becoming a six issue mini-series because at some point Alfred had to not only be the butler who took care of his employers' mourning kid and refused to get him therapy but also a super duper bad-ass himself. Then Robin masturbates for twelve pages while Two-Face sits around bored wondering why Batman didn't get the clue about his heist which he wrote on the back of a Macy's bra catalogue. "Was the whole 'Double D' theme too subtle?" he asks and then answers, "Yes, Harvey. You're an idiot."

New readers to this series are greeted by the always useful trope of a newscaster explaining the situation from last issue.

Really, really, really new readers, like those born in the 21st century, might wonder what's up with those weird scan lines. That's what standard definition television looked like, kids. Only worse.

So aliens want their fugitives back and the government wants the aliens to go away so they want the Justice League to give the fugitives back and Captain Atom just wants to collect his paycheck without a lot of guff from his bosses so he wants the Justice League to give the fugitives back and Max Lord doesn't want his property destroyed so he wants the Justice League to give the fugitives back and Wonder Woman wants to make sure she's not delivering innocent fugitives into the hands of monsters for execution so she's decided to give the middle Amazon finger to everybody else. That's the bow pulling back finger and also the clit stimulation finger. It's a very suggestive Amazonian finger to give somebody. Also confusing.

Max Lord is all, "Please, Wonder Woman. Forget about the name of our organization for one minute. Pretend we're called the 'We Don't Want Our Headquarters Destroyed League.' It's just the lives of two aliens versus our property which cost like a lot of money. Please do the right thing." And Wonder Woman is all, "Those aliens have names: Blake and Corbett! Haven't you been paying attention to how often Blake and Corbett's names, Blake and Corbett, have been used in the script? That's probably to help humanize them with the reader so that the reader will be all, 'Please save Blake and Corbett! I don't which is which but I love them so much!' Which probably means they're super evil and Dan Vado is a conservative trying to pull a whole 'Law and Order wins again, you hippie peaceniks!' gotcha moment. But still, I must serve truth and justice before property!" And Captain Atom is all, "Sigh. I guess I'm going to have to bust Wonder Woman in the face."

Hey! That's pretty much exactly what I said! You didn't raise no illiterate here, Momma!

Also look at how long Max's legs are. So long. As Naomi Smalls would say, "They go right up to his asshole." Which, I mean, that's what all legs do so I don't know what the fuck Naomi Smalls was talking about on Ru Paul's Drag Race Season 8. Depending on if you understand anatomy or not, legs might even usually go past the asshole! I don't know where the leg legitimately ends although I'd say above the genitals which are about the same place as the asshole, roughly.

Captain Atom and his team of cardboard cutouts of every '90s character ever created have been tasked with investigating the alien ship, just to make sure it isn't harming the city by hovering over it. You know, the way Captain Atom harms the city by hovering over it blasting gamma rays and radiation into everybody's brains.

Apparently there was a time in the history of comic books when these characters were exciting and dynamic as opposed to boring and stupid. I, personally, don't remember that time. I've hated them forever.

Crater has five fingers not counting his thumb in that picture. If I were being charitable, I'd say the extra finger was a mistake by the colorist but why would I be charitable when I fucking hate these characters and the way they're drawn and their stupid single color outfits and their Goddamned fucking glasses and their gritted teeth and their stupid geometric guns that Rob Liefeld should have trademarked when he had the chance. Was there a school of art at the time competing with The Kubert School where a whole slew of up and coming terribly lazy artists were getting an education? Because how did they all draw everything so fucking similarly? How often were readers obligated to see people in the same pose as Cinder in that panel? Especially if you were reading Marvel at the time.

I already forgot the names of Crater's companions so I had to look them up. While doing so, I discovered The Peacekeepers had six appearances in total. About half of them were here in Justice League America during their first appearance. Hopefully the other appearances were where they were killed in battle.

Crater gets shot out of the sky by the space fish police but he's saved by Maxima. Man, I hate Maxima! Now this jerk is going to get another three appearances somewhere!

Every garbage human being thinks "just following orders" is an adequate explanation for doing whatever the fuck they want.

The space fish police in charge of the lasers didn't actually mean to shoot Crater in the skull. He was just following orders except poorly because he wasn't actually supposed to hit Crater is what I meant. So his commander yells at him which might be a joke by Vado because the previous panel with these two space fish police had them expressing their dismay about how much humans yell at each other. Or Dan Vado just isn't paying particular attention to what he's writing as he goes.

The space fish police commander mentions Blake and Corbett by name again when he suggests that maybe they leave Blake and Corbett to the Earthlings and just go home. Meanwhile, Blake tries to rape Fire. Unless it's Corbett trying to rape Fire. No, no. It's Blake. Obviously Fire says his name like eight times on one page.

At least Fire finally put some pants on.

My mention of Fire's clothing has nothing to do with Blake's attempt to rape her! Just in case that wasn't clear and if you're coming from tumblr, it almost certainly wasn't clear. I only mention it because the last time Fire was on panel, she was simply wearing a barely-long-enough-to-cover-her-ass shirt. Actually, it was the shirt she was wearing in this scene, I think. And I suppose if her legs weren't bright pink, it might look like she were walking around with no pants on. Hmm. I think this was another case where the colorist fucked up. Personally, I think the colorist fucked up by putting pants on Fire in this scene. I much prefer my Fire without pants.

Fire kicks his ass and almost learns that Blake and Corbett are pretty fucking guilty, making Wonder Woman look naïve and stupid and lame. Dumb compassionate people who believe in justice and freedom and turning hawks into doves! Dan Vado just showed them! See how Blake and Corbett were actually guilty and terrible people? The Justice League should have listened to the cops and the military and the government right from the start. I probably stopped reading this comic book because of Dan Vado's pro-authority attitude!

"No, Blake! It's me, Corbett! There's no time for rape! Otherwise, you know, I'd be all, 'Go for it, Blake!' It's just, you know, no time!"

Blake and Corbett try to run off but they run into The Ray. They try to kill him while Fire yells to stop them. So it should now be clear to everybody that Blake and Corbett are totally bad assholes. I hope all the readers have learned their lesson about helping out people on the run from authority. It's always a bad decision and the authorities are always in the right and boy, you sure wouldn't want to look like a total chump being fooled into doing the right thing, would you?!

Fire runs out and yells, "Boy, did we ever misjudge those two." Which seems like, maybe, the weakest observation she could make at this juncture. "Gosh and gee willikers, Ray! How'd we ever get fooled so bad? Hee haw!"

Blake and Corbett don't get far before The Ray stops them and Captain Atom shows up. But still, Wonder Woman won't give them up. She has Guy take them back to headquarters where she assures everybody that everything will be wrapped up nicely in the last few pages. Everybody trusts her because, you know, she's Wonder Woman!

Look at Guy using the third person pronoun even when it's not necessary. So considerate of others and their possibilities!

Back at headquarters, Diana tries to point out that Blake and Corbett's guilt or innocence doesn't matter in this case because it's the general principle of granting asylum that she's trying to protect. Yes, Blake and Corbett will be dealt with as necessary but not without the same basic rights to due process and not getting instantly murdered by Guy Gardner.

Well, maybe Diana can apply her theories to Corbett.

Well, well, well. It looks like some editors finally got hold of Dan Vado and were all, "Um, you know Guy isn't this big of a jerk, right? I mean, yes, he's a jerk. But he's not a murderer and he shouldn't be sexually harassing every female member of the League every time he enters a scene." And Dan Vado was all, "Oh, um, yeah, um, I know! I've got this, um, story? Idea? That, well, this is Guy's evil twin! Right? Always has been. Totally my idea all along! Big shocker right?!" I'm assuming that's what happened because I don't dare believe that I was wrong about Dan Vado's preoccupation with making Guy Gardner an absolutely terrible and unforgivable caricature of his already pretty shitty self. And there's no way editorial would be okay with having Guy commit outright murder in front of everybody. Therefore, this isn't actually Guy Gardner which allows Vado to pretend it wasn't Guy Gardner the entire time.

Also, it was going to be too boring writing a bunch of pages where the characters talk out their problems and settle on a good diplomatic solution. Easier to just have Guy kill the alien (Blake) that tried to rape Fire. Ultimately, nobody's going to be upset about that.

Justice League America #82 Rating: C-. The big twist was that the space bad guys on the run and being protected by Wonder Woman really were the bad guys. Vado spends one panel on Wonder Woman considering how she might be racist in that she sided with the human looking aliens over the space fish police. But that just shows that Wonder Woman is willing to question herself and do some real soul searching to uncover any possible flaws that might keep her from doing the best job of serving justice and truth. In the end, whether Blake and Corbett were actually terrible criminals, Wonder Woman did the right thing. It's the kind of right thing that nobody is willing to get behind anymore because it's more important to never be tricked by somebody presenting themselves as something other than they are. Internet trolls are huge on that. They won't believe any truth at all because they don't want to ever look stupid. Although they will believe the most farfetched conspiracy theory currently making the Tik Tok rounds. But that's mostly because you can't really prove a terrible Internet conspiracy false. So they never have to look stupid! I mean, obviously they look stupid believing shit like The Mandela Effect and Wayfair sex trafficking. But you can't prove that they look stupid until you prove those things aren't true! And good luck proving something everybody knows is preposterous anyway! You can't prove a falsehood, nimrod! Ha ha! Checkmate! I look super smart now by simply believing the dumbest shit!

Comic Book & Other Media Reviews The Literal Bible Study and Other Miscellany
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Bluesky