Supergirl #4

Spoiler alert: zero bum shots in this issue.

The Review!
No change. Instead of one Cyborg Superman, this issue contains hundreds of them. That doesn't make the story better because when you multiply a negative number, it still remains negative. Unless the other Cyborg Supermen should also be thought of as a negative number and then the equation would wind up positive. But that can't be true because this wasn't the best Cyborg Superman comic book I've ever read. It was just another boring one because the character is boring. I'm sorry to have to drop that truth bomb on all of the Cyborg Superman fans who thought he was exciting. He was only invented to make people wonder if the real Superman had come back from the dead. He could have been Clone Superman, or Hoodoo Superman, or Sentient Protoplasmic Jelly Superman. But Dan Jurgens went with the cyborg angle because Dan Jurgens is a robot with no input devices to upgrade his knowledge so he's basically stuck in 1986. Cyborgs were pretty fucking hot in 1986! None of that explains why Steve Orlando has decided that another Cyborg Superman story would be exciting in 2016 and 2017. Am I supposed to be excited about them because of the storytelling trend of using robots and machines as a mirror to our own humanity? Probably because that's basically what's happening to Supergirl in this story. She's learning what it means to be human. Too bad I'm just learning what it means to be bored.

Also, I still can't stand Cat Grant. Such a terrible human being. She thinks she's so much better than everybody else and she speaks down to them constantly and acts like she knows everything and is super hyper-arrogant! Why would anybody read anything I write? I mean she writes! So awful.

Supergirl #3

Lucky Cyborg Aliens get to see Supergirl's bum.

I posted a quote from my review of The Lost Boys #3 on Facebook yesterday and these were the immediate responses.

My profile picture is Oliver Queen making out with a bear.

This, in a nutshell, is why people can't stand satire. The target of satire is such a small bulls-eye that most people will miss the point entirely. In the above example, people with the attitude it was meant to mock praise it. Others who read it and thought it was serious but thought it was a disgusting and sexist statement probably just rolled their eyes and moved on, possibly unfollowing me because they now think I'm a disgusting bastard. But does that mean satire should be done away with simply because the target audience is so narrow? Fuck no! Because without humor like this, I would find little joy in the world. Statements like the one in the screenshot above are also why people tend to think I'm unsubtle and shallow and sexist and stupid. Because they don't realize that writing takes a lot more effort than reading. Reading is fucking easy because you're backed up by all of your prejudices, biases, issues, and life experiences. You don't have to think, "What does this bit I'm reading intend to communicate?" You just read it and think, "Sexist." Or, like the guys on my Facebook timeline, "YEAH BOY!"

I want to write to an intelligent audience, no matter how stupid and terrible I may come off to those incapable of comprehending my true wit!

Plus I'm facetious as fuck, so I can't blame anybody for misunderstanding the majority of the things I write. Sometimes I'm making a statement and sometimes I'm just making myself laugh. Somebody's got to be funny enough to do it!

This issue begins with Supergirl headed into space to investigate Cyborg Superman's claim that he saved Argo City and Kara's mother. Kara's Other Mother, Eliza Danvers, decides to go with her.

I just noticed that Supergirl doesn't use contractions in English in much the same way Starfire didn't in the Teen Titans cartoon. Is that shorthand for a character speaking a non-native language? It must be since she does use contractions in the flashbacks where she's speaking in Kryptonian.

The DEO has ships capable of attaining speeds that will allow Eliza to finish this space journey in her lifetime.

Argo City is floating just outside the orbit of Saturn. So I suppose even with current space vehicle speeds, Eliza could make this journey in her lifetime. It's just that she'd probably not want to spend more than half a decade heading to Saturn and back just to get a glimpse of Argo City.

On Argo City, Kara discovers that all of the dead Argonians have been resurrected as Cyborg Argonians, including her mother. I would be so angry if I had thought my entire family was dead and then somebody came along and brought them all back to life. I was free of them, you monster! FREE! You might as well chain me up and throw me in a cell as create a social situation where I'm constantly bombarded with a sense of obligation to others!

Other stuff happens in National City while Supergirl is away but since it features characters that are assdicks like Cameron Chase, Cat Grant, and Ben Rubel, it doesn't interest me. The part of the story with Supergirl shouldn't interest me either because it's more fucking Cyborg Superman but it also involves the possibility of getting a glimpse of Supergirl's Bum, so I'm giving it my full attention.

Supergirl realizes her mother and the other cyborg denizens of Argo City aren't really anything but automaton look-a-likes. Cyborg Superman assures her he has a way to bring them all to life but he doesn't go into detail. Probably because it's the same detail as the last time Supergirl experienced this story: he needs Supergirl's skin. And probably her memories and life juice and stuff.

Why did Orlando feel he needed to retell this story? I know this isn't a retelling but actually a different telling of Supergirl once again coming to Argo City at the insistence of her cyborg dad. It's like reading Genesis. How many times do I have to reread stories about a husband convincing some authoritarian that his wife is actually his sister which only winds up in some ludicrous Three's Company situation where the authority figure decides to marry the guy's wife only to be cursed by God? Then the king or Pharaoh not only repents but gives the guy a large sum of money to keep quiet about the little mistake. Now I've practically read Supergirl going to Argo City to be manipulated by her fake dad almost as many times as the "My Wife is My Sister Con" from The Bible!

The way to bring the Cyborg Argonians completely to life is to steal the life from another living creature. Cyborg Superman has decided the people of Earth will do nicely.

The Ranking!
No change! I feel like I'm not going to get an accurate reading on how much I like this comic book until Cyborg Superman is no longer in it. I suppose writers bring back the same damn villain over and over again because each one was created for a specific thematic reason. Since this is a reboot to Supergirl's life, Orlando needs to establish how she fits on Earth as quickly as possible. The easiest way to do that is to have her deny her Kryptonian heritage, even if what she's denying is a twisted, monstrous version of it. She needs to shove the past away and look to a future with the DEO, the Danvers, Cat Grant, and Ben Rubel's penis. Like the speaking without contractions, Cyborg Superman is shorthand for Kara moving on and accepting Earth as her home.

Doom Patrol #3

I often read with the light in my eyes instead of on the book.

I see Simon Bisley did the variant cover. Now I want the variant cover! I at least want to see it.

Okay, I've seen it. Having the Internet at the tip of my fingers is like witchcraft. I bet every witch ever burned would be pretty pissed off to see the things I can do without any religious bastards batting an eye! "Look at me! I'm summoning porn in a separate window while I type incantations in this one!" I wouldn't even have to do any of those things in the 1600s to be burned as a witch. I would just have to say that phrase and everybody would be all, "Witch! Witch! Speaking devilish nonsense!" Then I'd pull out a laser pistol and blow them all to hell! Ah ha ha! I mean, I don't have access to a laser pistol and everything I just typed was made up in my imagination and my time machine is just a washing machine I keep in my bedroom closet. Um, which I accidentally call a time machine sometimes.

Casey the Ambulance Driver is learning that she's not actually an ambulance driver. She's a Danny the Ambulance (who is often times a street or a cabaret or a brick) driver. And inside Danny the Ambulance is a whole world of people and things and buildings soon to be turned into space hamburgers. She doesn't know about the Evil Space Fast Food Franchise yet. I'm sure Flex Mentallo will get to that soon enough.

As an aside, it was 17 years ago today that I met my best friend and greatest cat companion I could have ever hoped for, Judas Soliloquy Velociraptor. I miss him every day. I mean, almost every day. I mean, I have to actually make an effort to miss him most days. Stupid time and its ability to wear down every thing in existence.

Flex tells Casey how he came to live inside Danny.

I will forever miss Crazy Jane. All of these new perky young manic pixie girls that comic book companies portray as "women" can't hold a candle to her.

Hopefully the new Batwoman comic book will maintain Batwoman as an actual adult woman who doesn't have to be uniquely cute and peppy to attract an audience. I want to read about adult women sometimes too! I mean, don't get me wrong! I still want a lot of stories about Maps! Although I did drop Superwomans so maybe I'm lying to myself about what I really want (and, yes, I meant to pluralize that. Just look at the cover!). I just wanted to point that out before somebody else pointed that out because I know I dropped that title because I was bored of the writing. Just like Green Lanterns which also featured an adult woman. Sure, she was developmentally arrested but still more of an adult than say Burnside Batgirl. You know, I also dropped Batgirl and Batgirl and the Birds of Prey! And Aquaman! Probably because it was featuring so much of Mera! And Flash was focusing too much on Iris West! And Cyborg had that awful Sarah Charles who was so adult it made me angry! And Green Arrow which prominently features Black Canary! And Red Hood and the Outlaws had a female character in it too! Did I just cancel all of the books with strong female leads?! What kind of secret sexist monster am I?

Obviously when I just typed that I was a "secret sexist monster," I meant it was a secret from myself. I'm sure all of you dear readers already new it.

I'm also a secret sex monster. Wink!

I meant that in a sexy hot way and not in a disgusting pedophile and/or rapey way! Being sexy in writing is difficult.

Flex takes Casey to a ride in Danny World called Itty Bitty Bonsai Beach. Apparently it's going to recount Casey's origin story to her. Why doesn't she just look in the back of this issue and read her Who's Who Entry?

Meanwhile, Larry and Cliff get reacquainted back in Casey's apartment. Larry wants to find The Chief but Cliff remembers that The Chief was the architect of all of the accidents that turned them into superheroes. Plus The Chief was just a head when Cliff last saw him, wasn't he? I'm conveniently forgetting the Niles Caulder who appeared in The Ravagers. I'm even sorry I mentioned him if you never knew that Niles existed. Anyway, before they can come up with a plan, Terry None comes home with pizza. Oh, and this guy suddenly appears with no respect for the plot.

I wonder if this negative alien has ever really tried to be positive? Maybe he should get a Tony Robbins DVD?

Meanwhile, some aliens calling themselves the Vectra invade the Mercy General Hospital parking garage to smash the fuck out of Danny the Ambulance. Not cool.

Casey hops off the boat on her ride to walk around the Doomed World sets. She walks by past members of the Doom Patrol. She checks out the Scissormen and the Brotherhood of Dada and the Candlemaker. She eventually finds herself in a comic book shop and begins digging around in the back issue boxes where she finds one that looks plot relevant.

If you've ever wondered how I could spend so much time reading comic books and finding things to write about them (and mostly not about them, actually), it's because every comic book I pick up looks like this to me. Except it says "Tess" instead of "Casey".

Through the comic book, Danny tells Casey her secret origin. She was a comic book character in a comic book published by Danny to entertain the people on his street when he was merely a street and not yet a world. Her memories are the memories of her adventures in those comic books. And I'd like to point out that before this moment, I still didn't really know how much I liked this book.

Now? I love this book. I'm such a fucking easy slut.

That previous page hits me so hard directly in the nostalgia that I'm a bit dizzy at the moment. Fucking hell, I wish I still loved comics as strongly as I did back then. Remember what I said about time earlier? Well now I'm saying it again except harsher!

Meanwhile, those Vectrans I mentioned earlier? They're beginning to torture Danny the Ambulance so he'll let them in so they can harvest meat for their Evil Space Fast Food Franchise Overlords. As they do this, things start falling apart on Danny World. Casey, who is indeed having an existential crisis, does not want to be Space Case the Comic Book Superhero, so she heads back to the Cabaret and the exit to Danny World. She loses her right leg just under the knee as she heads out because her comic book version is catching up to her and, in the comic book, she has a metal leg. She's also followed by a cute little critter that's probably named Fugg since that's all the thing says. Both of them are captured by the Vectrans as they exit Danny the Ambulance.

Intermission.

Lastly, Larry and Cliff are transported to the Negative Zone so Larry Trainor can once more become a proper Negative Man. Probably.

The Ranking!
+2! This comic book actually broached my emotional shield for a few moments. It was already a bit weak due to remembering Judas on his Day of Adoption but I think even without that, the Crisis on Infinite Earths page with all the perfect little touches would have been enough. I'm totally into this comic now! I hope Shade the Changing Girl gets to this place too! I even feel like I trust Gerard Way to handle Dorothy and Crazy Jane if he'd like to bring them back. I hope he'd like to bring them back. I mean, I more than hope. I think the proper term is "I threaten him with death if he doesn't bring them back."

My lawyer Pickle Boy says I should state, in writing, that I meant that death threat hyperbolically, even if I didn't really.

The Lost Boys #3

I appreciate the continuity of this cover. The vampires are seen hanging on the ceiling of a cave as they slept last issue and this cover shows vampire feet capable of doing just that.

The Review!
This comic book is only called "The Lost Boys" so that fans of the movie know that this story takes place in that world. But the series is actually called "The Lost Girl." See what Tim Seeley did there?! The lost girl is Star from the movie. It turns out she has been working for a tribe of vampires called the Blood Belles in their search for the ancient vampire city of Xibalba. They sent her to destroy The Lost Boys so that the Blood Belles could swoop in and wake the mothers, ancient vampires who are probably the mothers of all vampires. It's also possible "mothers" is just a shortened name for "motherfuckers" because these are the baddest ass vamps that have ever existed. Except it's more likely they're the matrons of the vampire race, this being a story called "The Lost Boys: The Lost Girl". Who is more lost than little boys and girls without their mothers, right?

So in this issue, it turns out a vampire named Billy is running the Blood Belles and organizing the waking of the mothers. David is helping because there has to be some vampire connection to the movie. It isn't enough to have Sam and Michael and Star and the Frog Brothers and Lucy and Nanook and Grandpa Vampire Hunter. Those are just boring regular people. Billy knows the ritual to wake the mothers. She must sacrifice somebody with vampire blood (Michael who still has Max's blood running through him) and a male virgin (either one of the Frog Brothers will do). Will Star allow Billy to go through with it or will her love for Michael prove too strong?! We probably all know the answer to that unless Tim Seeley has really thought up some super groovy twist ending.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to overuse the phrase "super groovy" for a few weeks.

Also, Michael and Sam have met The Believer who's been made aware of new vampires in Santa Cruz. I mean Santa Clara. I mean San Dimas. I mean Santa Carla.

This is The Believer about to kill a vampire with his boner which I totally thought probably wouldn't work in my commentary for Issue #1. I stand corrected.

No change in ranking. I standby my assessment that this is for The Lost Boys fans. Although if they're too big of fans, they'll hate it because it isn't the original source material or by the people who made the original source material. Fans of pop culture are weird. Some fans like anything to do with the thing they like. But they're only middle of the road fans! If you're the biggest fan ever, you show it by being super duper critical of everything that isn't the original bit that made you a fan in the first place. So basically the bigger a fan you are of something, the more you hate everything that isn't an exact copy of the thing you love. In other words, people who declare themselves the biggest fan of something are usually the biggest dicks in the fandom.

The Lost Boys #2

Just because you're a vampire, it doesn't mean you have to be an annoying fucking cunt.

For the life of me, I can't understand how people are ever bored. I don't mean when you're on a long plane flight and being in an uncomfortable situation keeps you from doing things you'd normally do in that space of time, like read or write or secretly masturbate under the complimentary blanket. Or when you're at a job that forces you to stay for forty hours every week when there's really only twenty-three hours of work. I mean when you're in the comfort of the domicile of your own choosing living a life that isn't completely taken up by a subsistence living, I can't see how people get bored. I'm struggling to get everything in that I want to get in before I die. And I'm failing miserably! How does anybody ever have the time to be bored?!

The artist of this book is named Godlewski. Braggart.

This issue begins with a coroner telling the family member of a recently found dead person how vampires don't exist. That's not usually the first thing you tell a recently dead person's family member unless vampires really do exist and the evidence of their existence is overwhelming and you're in denial.

If you see these marks all the time on dead bodies in Santa Carla and you don't think vampires exist, I don't think you know how scientific evidence and investigation work. Stop letting your bias control the results of your medical examinations! Quincy would be so disappointed in you.

We should all live by the motto "What would Quincy do?" I'm fairly certain one thing he would do is walk around in public with one hand jammed way down the front of his pants.

The Medical Examiner explains that the bite marks are just things local gang members (who aren't vampires, by the way!) do to victims to spread fear. So, you know, nothing to be afraid of. Except the roving gangs of not vampires murdering people. That's not spooky at all.

The woman is the Sam's mother identifying her father, the vampire hunter. So she doesn't need to be told that vampires aren't destroying Santa Carla. She lived it! Although I don't remember. In the movie, was she one of those characters who didn't believe in the vampires and just thought all of the chaos and destruction was being caused by partying youths? Anyway, a policeman comes to offer his regards and he calls the people who killed her father "monsters." This makes Star uncomfortable since she was one of those monsters. Or was half one of those monsters. Or still is?

With the death of his grandfather, Sam has figured out the woman he met in the comic book store earlier was a vampire. She had those scratches on her shoulder that are totally the David brand and almost certainly representations of the antler scratches he suffered when he was almost killed by Sam and his grandfather and the Frogs. Time to gear up and go hunting vampires! Like right now! This series only has five issues left and it's probably going to take a lot of pages to kill all the sexy vampires in Santa Carla in really sexy ways. This is a Vertigo comic, right? I demand some adult material!

This issue is called "The Lost Girl" because representation matters. Little girls should see women vampires too so that they realize being a vampire is not beyond their grasp.

The Frog Brothers rush out to kill some vampires or maybe have sex with some vampires. Hopefully right on panel. Not because I want to see the boners of the Frog Brothers! I want to see some naked vampires!

I seem to be somewhat distracted while reading this. I probably should have masturbated before reading comic books. Dave Sim, the writer of Cerebus, eventually took a vow of chastity because he believed it distracted him from his work. So he didn't even masturbate! I think he had the whole thing backwards. You need to masturbate so you get past the urge and aren't constantly distracted. I also think I'm right and Dave Sim was wrong. Just look at the evidence! While Dave Sim was fucking and masturbating, he wrote the first half of Cerebus. Pure genius! While he was not touching his ding dong or thinking about anybody else touching it, he wrote the final books of Cerebus. Total yawnsville!

Star runs out on Michael proclaiming this is her fault because she's a fucking monster! If David is still alive then she's still a half-vampire! She's a traitor!

This story takes place in the 80s where brothers never would have hugged because it was gay.

I almost captioned the above scan "Now fuck!" If you're less sensitive about incest than being reminded that guys in the 80s were obsessed with not appearing gay, you can switch the captions.

The Frog Brothers investigate the old Dave the Vampire's haunt only to find a tunnel has been dug into the floor and down into the side of the seaside cliff. It must lead to the fabled City of Hot Vampire Lesbians! That comment wasn't me hoping that all the vampires are lesbians. That comment was due to the vampire comic books from the previous issue all having titles about vampires and their lesbian tendencies.

The Frog Brothers fall into the tunnel because of an earthquake which is like a daily occurrence in California. They wind up in a pool in a deep cave staring up at David and his hot female vampire coven hanging from the ceiling. Gross! Vampires must have claws instead of toes! I wonder if any of their other body parts look different? I hope not.

It's difficult in this day and age to be a man and constantly have all of your natural urges called sexist. Like looking at attractive women and wanting to have sex with those attractive women and calling them bitches when they refuse.

All the missing children reveal themselves as they slip into the water and attack the Frog Brothers from below the surface. Don't kid vampires ever sleep?! They're just like real kids! Always up and banging about the house and murdering people before the sun is even up.

David wakes up as Edgar is busy calling Sam on the Walkie Talkie. Edgar says a bunch of stuff about how thankful he is to Sam for being a friend but he doesn't say, "Sam! The Vampires are in a hole in David's old flat!" He was definitely right in his claim that he should have been a better vampire hunter.

Speaking of better vampire hunters, some guy called The Believer who wasn't voted into the Hunters Union is about to meet Sam. Maybe he'll be able to save the Frog Brothers! He's introduced all shirtless and sexy with a studded belt and leather pants and playing a saxophone. Remember, this is the 80s! There was nothing more sexy than playing a saxophone while shirtless! Which seems weird when you remember my last comment about how guys tried so hard not to look gay in that decade. Blowing a horn that reaches down to your crotch? Not exactly the not-gayest thing.

The Ranking!
No change! I suppose if you like The Lost Boys, you should really enjoy this excursion back into the world. I can't say I'm a huge fan of the movie since I haven't really rewatched it since around when it first came out. And I've never read any supplementary stories or seen either of the more recent spin-off movies. But I hear there are people who still feather their hair and hang Poison posters on their walls who really fucking love this shit. You'd probably love this too!

Mother Panic #2

Why is somebody masturbating in the background?

I should be asleep but I am not. So instead, I will read this comic book about a freaked out mom.

So this issue begins where I didn't want the last issue to go because it's depressing and I'm tired and now I have to live with this in my head.

I told you I didn't like the cut of Fred's jib.

So at this point, is it still a mystery how Violet's father died? Or why? Fucking disgusting pig is why. And probably violently is how.

Speaking of violence, is Violet named Violet because it evokes both violence and flowers? Sort of harsh and soft at the same time. And her last name is Paige because she's not real; she's just a story.

Because of the bodyguard, Violet is now also trying to rescue some children who must have been part of Hemsley's art project. The art was actually done by Gala but Hemsley commissioned it. But Violet doesn't know about Gala yet. She can't confront her nemesis too soon or the story loses all of its dramatic tension. Instead, she has to fight the sub-boss of the early level.

I don't know why Violet is after Hemsley. She didn't discover his weird art fetish until after she kidnapped his bodyguard. He must have some other secrets she's discovered that have convinced Violet that he needs to die. Or maybe it's just a personal vendetta, like he insulted her mother or bought some goods off her father for the same price Fred paid.

Violet tracks down Hemsley but can't bring herself to kill him. I guess she never quite got around to learning to pull the trigger. But she does find out where his art was transferred to. So now she can go rescue the kids and discover the next person up on the chain of people she's going to not kill for some reason.

Violet decides to nearly finish her memory of her origin story. As a child fifteen years ago, she confronted her father about Fred's intentions. Her dad insisted that it was not Violet Fred wanted but Violet's mother. Apparently that doesn't soothe Violet's rage because she shoots him in the chest with the shotgun anyway. So that's how her father died! I guess next time, we'll find out how she became Mother Panic?

The back-up story is a back-up story. It features a story that is not the same as the front-down story. It is also not the opposite so I don't know why I called the main story a front-down story. The back-up story is the second part to the first part of the story that appeared at the end of Issue #1. In that one, a radio DJ died. In this one, a right-wing podcaster takes his place. I don't know what happened to the guy with the hood who said, "Thanksgiving."

The Ranking!
No change. Was I supposed to color the cover of this comic book myself? That seems like work and not fun. And since it's work, shouldn't DC pay me for coloring it? Not that I colored it so I guess they're off the hook this time. And not off the hook in the cool way where you get off the hook up in the club. I mean that they got away with it without being punished.

Mother Panic #1

This could be the title of my autobiography.

I have no idea what this comic book is about. I suppose it's about a superhero named Mother Panic. Well, not really a superhero. More like a Protagonist Who Utters Poetically Profound Nonsense Which Makes Young Readers Nod Their Heads In Agreement Because It's No Doubt Artistic. I haven't even read a single page of this comic book and I'm already unbearably cynical about it!

This issue is called "A Work in Progress" which isn't encouraging. It's quite possible Jody Houser turned in the script and forgot to give her script she'd been working on a title. The editors probably didn't notice because they didn't want to question something that was obviously so artsy. If you question art, people think you're stupid. So it's better to just pretend you understand the art the way everybody else is pretending to understand the art.

Some young woman named Violet Paige is returning to her home in Gotham City. She was possibly in rehab or just pretending to be for appearances. She's rich and has lots of fans and one of the first things she does is flip off some reporter asking her a question. He says, "Care to comment on the fact you were seen at Vue with Shawna Schulz right after --," and she says, "Care to comment on your face?"

Do you hear that? That loud thub-a-lump-pitter-snap? That's my heart beating like crazy because I've found my comic book character soulmate.

Also, I should probably work on my heart beating sound effects. If I listen closely, there's a lot more snapping than I made it seem. I think maybe I've eaten too many tater tots over the last forty years.

Fifteen years before the opening scene, Violet went on a camping trip with her father while her mother was raving from some neurological problem. Since Violet decides that's the beginning of her origin story, something terrible must have happened while she was on that trip. Like maybe her marshmallow she was roasting fell off of the stick. Or maybe her mother died while she was gone. Or maybe...you know what? I'm planning on having a good day today so I'm not going to suggest any other terrible things that might have happened to her on this trip that nobody wants to think about. It probably was the mother dying thing anyway.

The first night Violet is back in Gotham, she goes to a fundraiser. At the fundraiser is some bearded guy who got a full page scene about showing his work of art to his boy-toy. He keeps it in a storage facility and, judging by Dominic the Boy-Toy's expression, it's shocking. I bet it has male appendages in it!

Oh, it isn't a camping trip. It's a killing trip!

I don't like the cut of Fred's jib. He might make me acknowledge the thought I was trying to suppress so that my day isn't ruined. But I bet Violet has learned since this moment how to pull the trigger! I bet she's a real anti-hero killer since she has to be some kind of funhouse mirror reflection of Batman. You can't live in Gotham City and not be a reflection of Batman.

Violet is approached by a reporter who wants to talk about her father's disappearance fifteen years ago. Okay! Now we're getting somewhere! Daddy Issues ahoy! Also probably Mommy Issues. And maybe some issues caused by Fred.

It turns out Dominic is not the bearded guy Hemsley's Boy-Toy but his bodyguard. Apparently showing him his "art" was a test and Dominic failed because he tries to ditch Hemsley. Also, Violet is busy following Dominic so that she can kidnap his bodyguard who can lead her back to wherever Hemsley hangs out where she can kill him in private. Maybe. I'm making a lot of assumptions here because I haven't finished reading the story.

But then Mother Panic steps in to save the bodyguard!

And a, um, rabbit shits in a, um, skull?

Don't think that last caption was me questioning that panel! I totally get it! It's so...so...profound! Such art. Man. Incredible! You get it, right? Of course you do! What kind of a dope doesn't understand the whole rabbit in an upside down skull thing! It's like a representation of fertility and mortality. Um, right?

Each criminal beaten down by Mother Panic gets a subliminal picture to go with the pain. So one guy is all, "Ow! I'm like a tree that just got struck by lightning! Not as profound as being beaten like a bunny shitting in a skull but still painful!" Then the next guy is all, "Holy ouch! Seven arrows in a swan!" And the next guy is all, "Melting candles on a birthday cake! SO PAINFUL!" And the final guy is all, "A pink snake eating a rat! I got off easy!"

Mother Panic knocks out the bodyguard so she can take her with him. But first she says, "Fuck the bat," because the kid thought she worked for the Batman. Later, Batman happens upon the scene and he wipes a tear from his eye as he asks Penny-One, "Why would somebody say fuck me? What did I do?!"

Mother Panic (or Violet, of course) takes Dominic back to her mother's indoor gazebo where her mother spends her days singing. Her mother speaks in cryptic sentences that actually mean things if you're into poetically profound nonsense. Like me, of course! So good! And smart!

Elsewhere, Hemsley pays a visit to Mother Panic's real nemesis, Gala. She's a criminal who does art crimes! Murderous art crimes! Who could have guessed?! I suppose I came pretty close to the mark in my initial summation of what I figured this comic book would be. But then it's not hard because it's obvious the Young Animal comic line is meant for pretentious pieces of crap.

Anything can be art if you have enough gall to tell people that it is!

Anybody can take a shit but it isn't art until somebody takes a shit and tells other people that it's art. Sometimes they explain the meaning behind the art so that people nod vigorously and say things like, "Right! Right! I totally see that! What a mind blowing piece!" And sometimes they don't explain it because what can you really say about a piece of shit that hasn't already been said by smarter people who aren't trying to fool everybody into believing you're profound.

Mother Panic questions the bodyguard to find out what Hemsley's been doing. But he isn't blabbing his story or what he saw until next issue. Until then, I'll just have to be content with the back-up story, "Gotham Radio Scene One: 1621."

In it, some radio talk show host is talking about how we're all holes and we just can't get enough dicks stuck in us to ever feel whole. But then he's shot live on the radio by some hooded guy who takes over the microphone and is all, "Thanksgiving." I guess the rest of his deep thoughts about the holiday will come next issue.

The Ranking!
I think I could enjoy this. But I promise I'll continue to be super cynical about it. Because that's my art! To see bullshit in everything. Tearing everything apart is my canvas! Destruction is my creation! I'm just a trite, cliché, petty write who doesn't know how to bare his soul to any other human being! I don't want to fill the hole at all. I just want to be bigger hole!