Justice League Dark #8

This cover put the phrase "Vampire Orgy" into my head. And there's only one thing to do when a phrase that good pops into your mind! Google Image Search!

Forget about the plot for a second. Here are some of the fantastic images "Vampire Orgy" generated!

Is it just me or does "an Outdoor BJ" just not in the same category as "Ass Eating", "Anal", and "Cum Swallowing"?

The next image link I followed was a picture of a Dungeon Crawl game and I was curious as to why it showed up with "Vampire Orgy" as a search term. It was a forum where a guy was doing a Let's Play of Dungeon Crawl and he was about to enter The Lair. One of the Vampire Orgy looking movies (or was it a show?) was called The Lair and had a bunch of muscled shirtless male vampires on the poster. Anyway, I spent the next hour reading his Let's Play until he abandoned his game. And then I read the next guy's Let's Play for the next hour.

Why is the internet made up of distractions?!

So back to Justice League Dark! At the end of Rise of the Vampires Part Two which was also called I, Vampire #7, Cain had drained the magic from Zatanna and the Madness from Shade. He used it to remove all of the weaknesses from his vampire army. Mary, Queen of Blood, had joined the good guys. Xanadu was still on Astral Vacation. And Constantine and Deadman were traveling to the Other Side to fetch Andrew Bennett.

Deadman needs a sense of humor.

Does Boston Brand feel embarrassed about his clothing and white make-up when he meets up with other ghosts? Are all ghosts in the DCU forced to wear what they were wearing when they died? I'll have to try to remember this query when I read the next Hawkman story with the Gentleman Ghost. Andrew Bennett is shirtless with just jeans. But he was wearing a sweatshirt when he was killed? Perhaps the way his vampire body dissolved into mist, it destroyed the shirt before he fully incorporealized. That's the technical term for becoming a ghost, right?

While I was musing, Constantine and Deadman found Andrew Bennett. He wasn't on an island since the island wasn't purgatory (bullshit) and Bennett is actually in purgatory. Speaking of the island from the television show LOST, I've got a question! Did they ever explain the "box" or the "room" which brought Locke's dad to the island after Locke's father was killed in a car crash? Sure sounds like a feature of Purgatory to me, you stupid lousy lying producers.

Anyway, Bennet decides he's had enough of living and doesn't want to go back. He doesn't care what Cain and Mary do to the world. And why should he? He's dead now! He's got different concerns! Constantine calls him selfish but I've got to side with Andrew Bennett on this one. He had his life. And like Death of the Endless says, "You get what everybody gets. A life." How come Bennett has the choice to come back? Seems pretty suspect. I'd like it better if he never actually died and somehow survived getting his head cut off.

Xanadu makes a deal with the Crystal Being to shift the balance of power away from Cain and over to somebody else. I thought maybe it was going to go to her since her companions were going to be very angry with her if it worked. But she wakes up and seems much to weak to wield everyone's power. Perhaps it's supposed to go to Andrew Bennett since he's supposed to be the big Good Vampire Hero the way Seely Booth Angel was a champion sniper vampire in his show.

Cain feels something change. And Shade the Changing Man breaks from reality completely.

I think those three four images are supposed to represent the whole of his life flashing before his eyes. The death of Troy Grenzer in the electric chair which is where Shade first came into our dimension, inhabiting the body of the serial killer. His short love affair with Kathy. Kathy disintegrating when Shade realized she was just an illusion created by the M-Vest. And the Enchantress.

Shade ends up transporting himself to the Area of Madness. With this being Milligan's last issue of Justice League Dark, I wonder if he's going to pull Shade from the group? Perhaps save him for some future stories. Jeff Lemire is coming in to helm this comic next month and I'm sure he'll have some of his own favorite characters he'll bring to the group.

The next page just about does it in for me. Kathy is there, in the Area of Madness, waiting for him. She's solid and real and everything. Everything. Know this: Peter Milligan's Shade the Changing Man was one of the greatest comic experiences I've had. It was the character I needed to be reading at that time of my life. It was a story I needed to read. And it's obvious it meant a lot to Milligan to tell it.

Shade senses the change in Writers, something beyond their understanding. And Milligan is pulling him from the team to save his story for himself.

Well, I wanted to read more stories with Constantine and Shade written by Peter Milligan. So it's probably time to pull those Hellblazer trades written by Milligan off the shelf and give them a read. I hear Shade makes an appearance! But for now, Shade is out of the group and I should probably be getting back to Gotham to see who gets all the power.

Zatanna, Xanadu, and Mary decide if this is the end, they might as well go out fighting. They attack Cain and are repelled in just about one panel. Maybe two. So Zatanna's "I don't want to wait for death to come, whenever that monster chooses to kills us. I'm going to face it," quickly becomes, "TEG SU TUO FO EREH!" Great conviction, Zatanna! And what the hell happened with Xanadu's power shift Astral project crap? Anything yet?

Failures! Or, in internetese, LOOSERS! Fuck me! I can't let that stand! Hey, Internet! It's LOSERS! Just one fucking 'O', got it?!

Deadman and Constantine come back from the afterlife without a hitch. Probably because Hades is busy trying to fuck Wonder Woman. Hey! Maybe that's why Andrew Bennett hasn't actually 'died' yet! Because Hades and all of his minions are busy with the wedding plans and getting Hades' Amazonian bride prepared!

And possibly because Hades was busy, and possibly because Xanadu got the Crystal Blue Guy to transfer some power from Cain to Andrew (?), and possibly because John and Boston pleaded with Bennett to rethink the staying dead bit, and possibly because, as Hippie John mentioned before, a vampire as old as Andrew Bennett cannot die unless he allows himself to die, Andrew Bennett is able to rematerialize to defeat Cain in I, Vampire #8.

I guess Mindwarp and his Seizure Soul weren't exactly crucial to this team after all.

Justice League Dark #8 Rating: +1 Rating. Totally biased rating because I loved the four pages centering around Shade. Anyway, that puts it just ahead of Frankenstein which is written by Jeff Lemire who is going to be taking over the writing duties of this comic anyhow.

I am a little bit concerned about the frequency with which DC is changing writers on all of these titles. Writers aren't really known for coming on to a project and trying to keep the story, plots and themes centered around the past writer's efforts. Every time a writer has changed in a series so far, it's been a complete restructuring of the book. Green Arrow: J.T. Krul turns Ollie into a total asshat with no whimsy or sense of humor and then Giffen comes along and makes it a much better read and yet a third writer comes along and keeps the quality up. Legion Lost: plot abandoned and character motivations changed immediately. Voodoo: huge twist, change of motivations, killed all recurring characters from previous story arc. Stormwatch: Well, that just went from the main story by Cornell to a two-part side story and is going to switch up again when Milligan comes on. Maybe Shade will join Stormwatch!

I'm just asking for a bit more consistency than shuffling writers two or three times a year.

I, Vampire #7

Aha! The team will forever hate Madame Xanadu because she and the crystal guy signed them all up for The Real World: Andrew Bennett.

Andrew Bennett was just killed by Tig immediately after which the first vampire ever, Cain, rose up in his place. But Batman has a plan!
 

Get the fuck out!

Now, I thought they were in the basement of the courthouse where the old jail cells were. But this doesn't look like an escape out of a basement. But who cares, right? Whatever the story needs! Like what does Batman fire his grappling hook at? Does he know the Court of Owl's city that well that he can just aim and shoot and his hook catches on to something? I wonder if he's ever popped Robin or Nightwing in the face with his Bat-Grapple as they were swinging by on their own rope? I guess if I'm just going to ignore the fact that Batman should be lost underground right now while also in New York watching the JLI get blown up as well as running around with the Justice League as well as fighing the Scarecrow as well as doing all of the other shit he's always got the time for, I can ignore the fact that his Bat-Grapples always successfully find something to grapple.

It's not an easy thing to ignore! But I'm going to do it! It's just that everything else is always treated so realistically. Like the vampires.

Cain immediately takes charge and begins ordering the vampires about. But Mary's got a bit of a problem with this newbie thinking he knows whats the what.

Aha. That's why he suddenly appeared when Bennett died. Some kind of binding thing. But hey while I'm on the subject of things that should have happened when Bennett died, shouldn't Mary have been destroyed as well? I'm nearly positive that was pointed out in a previous issue that I don't feel like digging out and researching.

Meanwhile, Andrew Bennett is in a white room which is nowhere speaking with someone that won't reveal what it is. He's not technically dead but he doesn't quite exist right now either. The Mystery Voice tells Andrew the history of Cain. He existed long before most other things existed. Maybe he was made from the same stuff that was in the water that the Untitled drank from over in Red Hood and the Outlaws! He basically willed himself into being and eventually wandered the Earth. While wandering the Earth, he met a girl who he bit. She became his vampire princess and they created an army of vampires. Eventually, he was imprisoned inside of Andrew Bennett after he was defeated by "an army of great mystical warriors."

Looks like Etrigan to me! So the Demon Knights defeated him.

Once Bennett died, Cain was released. Except Bennett isn't really dead. He's just in some kind of limbo waiting for Deadman and John Constantine to rescue him.

Meanwhile, on the Courthouse Rooftop (that was some Bat-Grapple to swing them out of the basement and onto the roof!), Justice League Dark have arrived to help Batman, Tig, and John. Well, Tig and John, anyway. Once Batman sees he has reinforcements, he takes off to help Robin and save his city. Xanadu is currently useless and Shade and Zatanna's powers are being siphoned away by Cain. So everyone is kind of in trouble when suddenly Mary, Queen of Blood, turns up to help them out. She's a little bit angry that her plan was usurped and her troops taken over by big magic Vampire King. It's a good enough reason as any to switch sides and play the good guy for a little while.

Hee hee. The naked woman is judging the woman in lingerie. Notice the men aren't complaining about either one's outfits?

Mary manages to tear apart all of the vampires on the rooftop and save everyone's life for a moment. But Cain has very nearly taken all of their power and is beginning to look unstoppable. Maybe I should stop reading now so I don't have to see everyone die, right? It would be merciful on my part. Because surely Deadman and Constantine aren't going to be successful! They need to find the one weird pocket of nowhere that Bennett has ended up in? How are they going to manage that? Does John Constantine have a pubic hair of Andrew Bennett squirreled away in his bag of disgusting people parts? Oh! It's possible! He did meet up with him in that one issue!

By the time this issue ends, nobody comes along to save them. Everything looks bleak and Mary's pouting about the Primordial Evil taking the spotlight away from her.

No, you wouldn't have scored with Batman. You're more Nightwing's type.

I, Vampire #7 Rating: No change. Good comic but now I'm starting to dislike Andrew Bennett being killed since he hasn't really been killed but he doesn't really exist but he's nowhere but he's somewhere and some thing is speaking to him but can't tell him certain things but can blab a whole bunch of other shit. Not a big fan of that and so no climbing the ranks.

Justice League Dark #7

Has Zatanna's costume always been lingerie? Didn't she used to wear a top hat?

Justice League Dark has finally become a proper team. Well, as proper as they're ever going to get. At the beginning of this issue, John Constantine is already trying to walk out because they're going to fight a few vampires. They're going to fight some vampires because Madame Xanadu had a vision of the ending of I, Vampire Issue Six and now she thinks the world needs their help to stop the daddy of all vampires, Edward Cain!

Nearly all issues of all comics ever are still on sale somewhere! But forget that. Look how cute Zatanna is here! *swoon*

Shade and his M-Vest transport everyone to Gotham City. They're all lucky they didn't end up on Meta. Or Apokolips! I wonder if Shade's time with the Suicide Squad is still part of the DCU's history? Gotham, at the moment, is being overrun by vampires. Hasn't this happened before?
One more time: Why the hell does anybody live in Gotham?!

Since all of Batgirl's villains seem to be metaphors about her life, what do the vampires represent? Painful menstruation? Anemia from an iron poor diet?

Deadman and Constantine keep Batgirl from being bitten. She recognizes them as 'Zatanna's team' and Constantine seems a bit miffed by that. SRSLY! I thought it was Madame Xanadu's team!

Is there anything Batman doesn't know about? They just fucking agreed to form and he's gossiping about them to the Bat-Family.

The last few vampires have to be taken out with Constantine's axe since Shade can't seem to control his Vest and the others seem to be losing their magical ability. Once they're dead, Batgirl takes her leave since Batman 'ordered' her across town. Maybe the Night of the Owls is starting right after the Twilight of the Vampires is dealt with.

Meanwhile, Batman, Hippie John, and Tig get one panel to themselves. John blames Tig for what's happening since, apparently, Andrew Bennett was the only thing keeping evil at bay! Hopefully that will be explained in the next I, Vampire when we see that Bennett is somehow still alive.

Shouldn't you have seen this coming in time? Maybe you should summon Etrigan!

The first half of Xanadu's plan is for Deadman and Constantine to travel to the afterlife and retrieve Andrew Bennett. Oh yeah, that's a great plan. The second half of her plan is to take an astral vacation. While she's gone, Shade manages to teleport himself, Zatanna, and Madame Xanadu's husk on to the rooftop where Batman, John, and Tig are fighting vampires. That wasn't part of the plan but it's probably been the most successful move yet. Any move that gets you closer to Batman is a good one.

Xanadu's Astral Vacation Destination: The Astral Zone of the Crystal One.

I have no clue who this crystal guy is. Or how he's going to help Xanadu which will make her Dark team hate her. Maybe he's going to link their spirits so that they must continually associate with each other across the rest of their journey along the paths of reincarnation. It's Peter Milligan so it'll probably be something like that.

Justice League Dark #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. These characters and this comic deserve to be ahead of Frankenstein, Agent of Shade. But I'm not sure this comic can rise much further up the ranks until it really sets out on its own. That means getting past this crossover with Andrew Bennett. I can't wait until Milligan really begins to cut loose with this crew.

I, Vampire #6

Last issue, I said I, Vampire has the best covers of the New 52. And this issue, they've dropped their style for a normal look.

Last issue ended with Batman, Andrew (the Vampire of I, Vampire!), Tig (the vampire hunter that wants to kill Andrew even before she knows Andrew killed her vampire father), and John (Andrew's long-time hippie friend) taking an elevator down to a basement filled with Vampires. Bloody Mary was also there and a whole lot of people were about to die (not Batman).

When did Judd Winick begin writing this comic?

Fighting for their lives in a basement packed wall to wall with vampires, Andrew Bennett won't allow any of his companions to kill any of the vampires. That's because they're brand new and if their sire is killed within 48 hours, the freshly prepared vampires will revert to human form. From comments John made earlier, it also seems that if a vampire is killed, all vampires sired by it that have become fully-fledged vampires will also die. Killing vampires is easy in the New DCU! The hard part is knowing which one to kill which will end up killing thousands at once!

I think killing Andrew Bennett will take care of this entire problem and end the series. Madame Xanadu said Andrew Bennett was dead at the end of Justice League Dark #6, but I'm pretty sure she had her facts wrong since the I in I, Vampire is Bennett. The title will have to change to Him, Vampire. Or You, Vampire. Or Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla, Vampire Hunter.

Batman suggests that they retreat in that special way that Batman suggests things where it actually sounds like he's commanding things. But Bennett figures he can find the sire and stop the whole mess. But when he locates the sire, he makes the mistake of using the words "kill" and "that boy" in front of The Batman. Dumb, Andrew! Just say "Vampire" or "Monster" or "Alien Threat" or "Inorganic Automaton" or else Batman is going to shut you the fuck down.

See?

After Andrew crashes to the ground amidst the self-satisfied smugness of Batman's holier than thou attitude, the little innocent boy Batman saved transforms into a talking wolf and tries to run away. It's about at this point that Batman probably realizes he really doesn't quite know what the fuck is going on and he allows Bennett to handle the problem his own way.

Batman doesn't seem to have a problem with people killing animals because he allows Bennett to shove a sword through the wolf's heart.

Killing this one small vampire instantly transforms the other vampires into confused frat boys and business men. Mary, Queen of Blood, is just the tiniest bit angry about this development. She orders the last of the vampires to kill everything living in the cellar. As for the vampires that don't revert back to normal, Bennett declares they are 'Full-Bloods' and that they can all be killed. But Batman won't even allow Bennett to kill vampires!

Is Batman some kind of Twilight fan?

Batman's plan is to subdue Mary and all of her vampire henchmen and then give them over to Zatanna to deal with. I think Batman just likes to shift responsibility. Crazy criminal? Oh, Arkham will handle it and I can pretend the threat is dealt with because we all know how well confinement works there. Supernatural creature? Oh, Zatanna can say some backwards shit and she'll figure out how to imprison these things or change them back to human or, you know, maybe kill them but Batman's washed his hands of it at that point.

Batman tries paralyze Mary with a Shocking Batarang but it doesn't work. Does Batman have anything of use against Vampires? Garlic Bat-neck? Batcross? Oh! I bet Robin would have some Holy Batwater, Batman!

But other members of the group don't have a problem with killing. One of those is Tig who has just learned from Andrew's actions that killing the main vampire releases or destroys hundreds or thousands of lesser vampires. Tig makes the bold move to fix a lot of pain and sorrow.

Whoops! Although, in an earlier issue, John (I believe) mentioned that a vampire as old as Andrew Bennett could not be killed unless he wills himself to die. So I'm guessing this is just a minor setback.

This event, the 'death' of Andrew Bennett, causes a flash of lightning to blast a hole in the ground where his body disappeared. From this hole crawls "Cain, the sire of them all." Cain says, "The end has come!" And that's that. Hopefully Batman has a few more tricks up his cape!

I, Vampire #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. I like that Andrew Bennett was killed in his own comic! I know, I know. The death won't take. But it was nice to turn the page and see his head flying from his shoulders. Hopefully this entire Rise of the Vampires story arc will be interesting and not just a dumb excuse for a big fight and a crossover.

Justice League Dark #6

Xanadu brought them together. Destiny had no hand in it!

Last issue completed the June Moone story arc. Xanadu separated June from The Enchantress so that The Enchantress would wind up destroying the world if the Magic Justice League didn't form. Well, Deadman, Zatanna, Constantine, Shade, and the Seizure Guy came together and solved the problem. But they decided not to stay together and it made Xanadu cry. I'm guessing some other disaster will bring them together again until it sticks. Maybe that disaster will begin this issue!

Constantine has set the city of London ablaze because of some scam he was trying to pull with a bunch of bankers. He tried to summon a demon that would make them rich like that episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with the kid from Home Improvement who was going to sacrifice Cassandra, the girl who knew she was going to die, to summon a demon that would make them rich! But Constantine didn't have a Buffy around to kill the demons and now London is burning.

Deadman and Zatanna are hanging around not helping. They seem to be their for "I Told You So"s and lectures.

Well, excuse the bloody fuck out of John! Ew. Bloody fuck.

During whatever this chaos is that Constantine created, Zatanna has cast a backwards spell that is stuck in some kind of infinite loop and creating skinless zombie things that have been chasing her in-between her lecturing Constantine. They finally catch up with her and shove a whole bunch of fingers into her mouth so that she can't say any spells. They might stick her fingers in her other orifices as well. Why not? You can never be too safe! I'm pretty sure I once knew a witch that could cast spells with her vagina. At the very least, she could hypnotize with it.

Shade is off somewhere trying to recreate Kathy George with his M-Vest and his memory. At some point, I'm going to reread Shade the Changing Man so I can remember what happened to Kathy. It's possible she was dead throughout the entire run of Shade the Changing Man, killed by Troy Grenzer (Was that his name? I can't believe I remember his name if that's his name!) at the very beginning and only kept alive by Shade's M-Vest. It's been a long time since I reread that series. Long overdue. Oh, and how is Shade's recreation of Kathy going?

Yeah. Not so well.

It turns out these are just the nightmares of the Magic Justice League members. Constantine losing control. Zatanna being chased by something she set loose long ago. Shade's loneliness and desperate need. And Deadman has been having hallucinations that he's killed Dove. He believes the problem with his mind stems from his trying to possess the dangerous mind of John Constantine. The four of them end up running into each other at Madame Xanadu's place in search of some help. Sounds like a certain fortune teller might be causing these nightmares to drive the mages back to her side.

I wonder how she knows so much? Oh yeah! She's a manipulative barn owl! And by barn owl, I mean cunt. But I didn't want to sound misogynistic.

The monster woman that was supposed to be Kathy George that was also supposed to be a dream attacks them at that moment. See? You can see her root-like hairs in the lower right of the scanned panel. She's angry and sad that Shade has left her without giving her a proper name. And Shade doesn't know how to fight back because this creature still represents the woman he loves. Zatanna's backwards magic fails so Deadman takes control of Shade and attacks it. The creature, unable to destroy the M-vest which created it, destroys itself instead. And Xanadu's apartment.

After the battle, Xanadu continues her explanation.

Seriously, guys? You're going to listen to a woman that was fucking Etrigan?

Zatanna has worked with the Justice League before, so she's used to being a part of a team. And Deadman is kind of forced to work with other people all of the time. Madame Xanadu is working with another team right now in Demon Knights although that's about 1000 years in the past. I guess if you count Kathy, Lenny, Pandora, and, um, Pygmalion? (Forgive me if I, once again, have gotten these Shade the Changing Man characters names all wrong) as teammates, then Shade has also worked with a team. Constantine does whatever he feels he has to do, so I figure he'd at least be curious enough to see where all of this goes. The only problem is each one of them is used to being the only magic-user of the group. At least they all attack problems in various ways, so the group is actually quite diverse (like the Challengers of the Unknown! Ha ha!). I'll buy the premise that they'll all decide to form a group simply because I want to read this comic where they work as a team!

After this informative little meeting, Xanadu collapses with a vision.

House of Secrets Cain?! He's a vampire! Yeah, yeah. I bet he's not the House of Secrets Cain but I bet they try to make him the Biblical Cain anyway which would make him the House of Secrets Cain! And I guess I need to switch over to read I, Vampire now!

Justice League Dark #6 Rating: No change. This story was mostly an epilogue to the last five issues. Getting this team together was never going to have an easily believed reason but Milligan has done a good job of at least making them drag their feet while agreeing to the team. And I want to read a comic book with Shade and Constantine together, so I'll swallow any reason to get them together! Even if that reason were made of semen and the tears of kittens! Which it may have been.

Superman #8

Please. The Daemonites can't seem to rid themselves of the nuisances of Voodoo and Grifter but Superman is easily controlled! I'm not buying it.

Most readers left Superman in the Himalayas last month although I left him there just last night. So I'd better get back to see how he's doing. But first I think I'll see if Lois's sister made it home okay since that jerk Clark stood her up. And I wonder if Olsen has a key to Clark's apartment or if he'll be sleeping out on the streets tonight?

Oh, she's safe. I thought she might have been kidnapped by Intergang or something.

Why do so many people in Superman's life have the initials L.L.? Maybe the new DCU will have an explanation. This is all I could find on the internet that might explain it (after one exhaustive Google search and 30 long seconds): In The Adventures of Superman #646, Mr. Mxyztplk suggested that the initials had an important significance within the Kryptonian Language.

Yeah, that's pretty lame. Oh! Speaking of Mr. Mxyztplk, I was wondering if he might not possibly be the small man from Action Comics that has been causing so much trouble. I know, this is the wrong comic to be supposing that but I kept forgetting to mention it in the Action Comics commentaries!

So Lucy Lane made it home safely. But Superman is still in trouble. And for the next six pages, it seems like the trouble has already happened. Superman is being chased by STAR Labs soldiers and Green Lantern and Batman and Wonder Woman (although none of the big stars are shown. I guess Superman's subconscious couldn't get the rights to their images). Looks like Superman has gone rogue (AGAIN?! Already! Is Superman the only foe worthy enough to go up against Superman? So they keep making him fly off the handle?)! But he hasn't. He's just having a nightmare induced by Helspont trying to stuff a Daemonite into his face.

The bug in the mouth is the Daemonite equivalent of an educational film.

Helspont's Buggy Chew shows Clark a vision of the future where Superman is no longer trusted by the people he's protected for so long. They have grown to fear his power and what he could do to them if he turned on them. And so they decide to outlaw aliens. But the people of Metropolis, even Billy McCoy, learned last story line that Superman is not to be feared because he is the Boy Scout that can and will protect them from any threat as big as he would be if he weren't so straight edge. Helspont is just bitter because the story he shows Superman is the story that he went through himself.

And the mystery of Helspont is answered! Thanks, Giffen, for making some sense out of the Daemonite nonsense.

Now Helspont wants Superman's help in getting even with the other Daemonites. In return, he'll allow Superman to have control of the Earth. Seems like a pretty good deal!

Oh come on, Superman! Just think! Helspot will help you destroy the Daemonite threat (which, I guess, Superman doesn't know anything about) and he'll give you Earth! It's not like you have to be a dictator! He just recognizes that Earth is yours! You let it go on as normal as its protector. Just think about it before Helspont smooshes you with that rock.

Superman declines the offer and is smooshed by that rock.

Helspont continues to pontificate on the prejudices of the human species. I'm not sure how Superman hears him beneath all of that rock. I know, I know! Superman has super hearing. But how super? Can he hear anything spoken anywhere in the world? What can he hear through tons of solid rock? He's not Batman!

But Superman is like Batman in another way: Superman was raised by a butler! I mean, adoptive parents who loved and cared for him. So kind of like Batman in that they both lost their parents at a very young age. I think I was going somewhere with this. Maybe not. Let's just move on.

Oh yeah! Superman's human non-butler parents loved him! Just like Batman's butler loved him!

The talking and the fighting go on for a few pages. Helspont threatens Earth; Superman threatens Helspont. Helspont zaps Superman through a mountain; Superman explodes a mountain on top of Helspont. Eventually Helspont disappears. Since he demonstrated teleportation tech earlier, Superman supposes he's fled for now. But during the fight, Helspont sums up Superman pretty nicely!

Too bad it's that maudlin sentimentality that makes Superman so dangerous when protecting the Earth!

Helspont's words may have been prophetic. This is the scene outside Clark's apartment when he later returns home:

Haters gonna hate!

Superman #8 Rating: No change. This comic is currently just beneath Justice League in the rankings and I think that's fitting. Both suffered from an initial story that could have been handled much better. But both are headed in the right direction now, in my humble yet correct estimation.

Superman #7

I've been seeing this image as the ad for Superman for months now. Hey, DC? You think you could change pictures when advertising your own titles once in a while?

Let's just forget about the last six issues of Superman and start over, okay? Agreed? Okay.

Superman is in the middle of the streets of Metropolis fighting a construct. Superman gets the feeling this thing was meant to call him out and possibly see how well he stands up to it. After Superman defeats it, some of the people standing around declare that Superman just saved them. But this is one of the big issues I have with super hero comics. Without Superman, this threat would never have materialized. The last six issues that I'm not supposed to talk about were also filled with problems caused by Superman's presence. So seven issues into Superman, and he hasn't actually helped Metropolis at all. I will only count his actions as heroic if he's stopping threats that would have happened with or without his being present in Metropolis.

STAR Labs is called in after the fight to pick up the green horned creature that Superman put down. Supes must be fairly confident in his skills because as soon as the STAR Labs pick-up van shows up, he takes off.

I particularly like this soliloquy where he explains what he does to nobody.

Helspont is actually speaking to some computer that controls the Seekers which are an army of creatures like the one that Superman just destroyed. Or knocked offline. It's pretty lucky that Helspont was knocked free of the Eye of the Storm when Harry tried to blow it up. And that the piece of the Stormwatch Headquarters that he was in crashed near this secret hideout where a bunch of Seekers were stashed so that Helspont could quickly get on with his plan to take over Meta-humans and then get revenge on the Daemonites! Being that he was on the Eye of the Storm, this may be his original headquarters before he was captured by Stormwatch who knows how many years ago. Except he was probably captured by Daemonites hundreds of years ago before Stormwatch took over the Daemonite vessel. One of those. Or a different one. Make up your own story about why all of this works!

Meanwhile, at the Daily Planet, we finally get to see Clark Kent at his desk doing some actual work for the paper! Keith Giffen is pretty good at setting up the alternate persona of the super hero. That's a really important piece of the puzzle. I think Marvel tends to do this a lot better than DC but Marvel didn't restart their entire line of comics and who wants to pay $3.99 for every single comic anyway?! Plus I wouldn't be as good at the Marvel history if I was doing this with Marvel. I'd be asking a lot more questions about people's histories and relationships. Who the hell is Mary Jane? Has Peter fucked her yet? Why does the Green Goblin hate him so much? How does the Sandman make a bowel movement?! Is Venom an alien that likes to pretend to be clothing or clothing infused with sentience?! Why did Mr. Fantastic call himself Mr. Fantastic? Isn't that a bit arrogant? And a bit flamboyant?

Now I want to read some Marvel comic books!

Back to Clark Kent trying to write up a story at the Daily Planet. As Clark Kent, he shows himself to be an easily confused pushover and it's hard to tell if that's part of the persona or if he really does have trouble tending to the social aspects of human life. James Jameson Perry White scolds him for writing an article with too little Superman in it while Lois Lane tricks him into going to pick up her sister at the train station while Clark accidentally agrees to let Jimmy Olsen crash at his place while Olsen's apartment is fumigated for bedbugs. It's like a Community Theater Play!

Am I the only one that thinks all Community Theater Plays are like this? A cast of characters come on stage, a bunch of stuff is said, confusion ensues and chaos reigns until the end of the second act when it's all beautifully straightened out with perfect comic timing?

"Superman was spotted pleasing hundreds of young women yet again. Witnesses said, 'He's the most fantastic and giving lover I've ever had the pleasure to witness! It was like Christmas Mass!'"

Oh, that FWASHK sound effect that I cut off is the sound of the Seeker teleporting out of STAR Labs and into Clark Kent's workspace to "put him in thrall" for Helspont. I think it's time for Clark Kent to skeedaddle into the changing room, i.e. Woman's Bathroom.

Hmm. He chooses the conference room this time. Probably a safer decision.

Superman flies out of the building so that he can fly back in through the window to appear as if he doesn't work at the Daily Planet. I'm not sure how he got outside though. I really doubt the windows open way up on whatever floor they're on. Maybe he just ran down the stairs super fast and flew back up. He can do that, right? He has a modicum of super speed? Well, fuck. *I* have a modicum of super speed! I meant in comparison to The Flash!

This encounter with the Seeker ends up with Superman being teleported to the Himalayas. After the mission is complete, the Seeker dissolves away into a fine mist. Or jelly. Or gray goo.

Superman calls himself Clark here while thinking. Is Identity Crisis the only comic where it is discussed that villains that can read minds should know the secret identities of all the heroes they encounter? Why isn't this a bigger problem? Super villains that can read minds wouldn't ever have to put themselves in danger. One could just hang out while the Penguin sets up a bank robbery, read Batman's mind, and then sell the information. What a business!

Helspont and Superman don't actually fight. Well, Superman gets blasted by him at the end for saying Helspont speaks nonsense. But before that happens, Helspont, a major overlord in the Daemonite Empire (so why was he imprisoned by them? Looks like lots of internal strife in the Daemonites. That one in Grifter is starting a rebellion. And it looks like Helspont was a big leader who was overthrown. Maybe the more chaos, the less it needs to make sense) asks most of the questions about the Daemonites that I've been asking! Leave it to Keith Giffen to question what the hell is going on in the DC Universe! Helspont might as well be Ambush Bug at this point!

So it looks like the Daemonites lost interest at some point. Perhaps internal conflict has kept them from taking over the Earth. Or they're just being way too cautious.

That's what I've been wondering?!

Right about now is when Superman calls Helspont's speech nonsense and he gets blasted to near unconsciousness by some magic Daemonite blast of power. We'll have to find out what happens next issue!

Superman #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm already enjoying this comic again. I'm not a big fan of Super Heroes defending against threats directed at them but at least Superman tries to take care of business quickly and away from populated areas. I also like when Giffen explores the non-super hero side of them. I believe Perez did some of this at the beginning before his plot totally got out of control and I liked the comic then as well. It went off the rails for a bit but it looks like it might be back on track. Speaking of trains....

Whoops.