Captain Atom #6

Now the Luck Dragon has become a fuzzy Cyclops!

And J.T. Krul is no Grant Morrison! Hell, he's not even a Keith Giffen!

That's how Captain Atom #6 begins. Captain Atom telling nobody that he's no Superman. Narration Boxing [the weird modern day amalgam of Thought Bubbles and Omniscient Narration] fucks up comic books. Not just because it's a weird way to narrate a story, having the main character speak outside of the moment as if he's addressing an audience. But because it allows the writer to write a comic as a first person narrative. It dumbs the comic down in a way that even the over use of thought bubbles couldn't do. One thing is certain: the more Narration Boxing a comic book character does, the worse the writer tends to be. I'm sure there's a mathematical formula to prove this somewhere.
Captain Atom has just encountered the Diner Monster/Luck Dragon/Fuzzy Cyclops which is what got him on the topic of his not being Superman. But not only that, he's "getting something straight" which implies he's explaining to someone other than himself. Perhaps he is. He's some kind of weird quantum creature now. Perhaps he's sitting somewhere telling the story at the exact same moment he's encountering this beast for the first time!

He goes through a list of all the major characters and where they stand with him so that the readers can all catch up. And then he finally gets back on topic which is that he, Captain Atom, more closely resembles this monster than Superman. And that's why Narration Boxing is for lazy writers. Because this story could be a powerful story revolving around that premise. Tell the story and let the reader make that aha realization. But instead, on page one, J.T. Krul tells us the idea for his story. Either he's so proud of his story idea he thought he'd explain it immediately or else he thinks comic book readers are so dumb that they'd never get it.
 
Even Rob Liefeld was able to tell a story about how Hawk and Dove have a lot to learn as partners when they encountered Batman and Robin without blurting the point out in a Narration Box. Rob Liefeld! Come on, J.T. Krul! You're the worst!

As you can see, if a writer writes a bad comic for a substantial number of issues, he shall be declared a horrible writer until he can prove me wrong. And he shall also be declared an idiot and a moron and a jerk-face. So there.

Page two and three are more of the same.

Captain Atom has a good memory for rat faces. He must because he wasn't Captain Atom when he first met the rat so I'm not going to believe he remembers it on some kind of molecular level.

And here Captain Atom begins to recount the history of the rat the way an omniscient narrator would except Captain Atom isn't omniscient and shouldn't know anything about the little rat's history.

Sorry for the blurry scan. It's, um, arty!

Do I sense Captain Atom's version of Krypto originating here?! That would be awesome. So J.T. Krul won't do it.

They created Electryo the Quantum Rat!

In a heartbeat, dumb dumb! They're military!

With all of this Narration Boxing going on, I probably won't have to scan any actual artwork! Who needs art to tell this story? Someone should invent a medium for telling stories that doesn't need an artist!

"Yeah, sir! I can't tell if it's a military installation or an orphanage! But I know I can damn well hit it!"

The way J.T. Krul has dealt with the military, I can only imagine that G.I. Combat is going to be full of cliché stories and ham-fisted morality tales. I'm so glad I spent $3.99 on it! SO EXCITED!

One last attack on J.T. Krul then I'll just get on with the story: here we see Krul use Nimrod in the popular sense brought on by Bugs Bunny's sarcastic use of the Biblical Nimrod while Grant Morrison actually used Nimrod in its original sense, as that of a great hunter. Just, you know, saying. I bet Krul doesn't even know it's origins as an insult.

Captain Atom tries to get the military to stop blasting away at Electryo (TM me!) because it's just absorbing the energy and becoming more powerful. This panics the pilots because he's speaking Pacifist at them. They bail out of their jet in confusion and the other pilot's jet gets eaten by Electryo.
I wonder if this whole town smells like Quantum Rat Piss. That's a heavy duty smell! I had a rat named Randy in high school. Boy could he work up a stink! But damn was he cute.

Only two comics have used the term 'mad-on': Birds of Prey and this one. Look how low they are in the Rankings.

General Eiling gives Captain Atom five minutes to stop the creature on his own after Atom saves the pilots. After that, Eiling is going to level the county with his payload!

Yes. If Electryo had been a Rabbit, the military would have been, "Awww! He's soooo adorwable! Let's keep him even though he keeps devouring everyone and growing new body parts and destroying the countryside! SO CYUTE!"

Captain Atom decides that this rat doesn't deserve this. He got the short end just like Captain Atom. The military used him and threw him away, the poor thing! Captain Atom reasons with the rat and tells him that absorbing energy will only get it killed and that it's hurting people and that the military is going to destroy the country side if it doesn't stop eating.

Yeah, it's a rat, you dumb son of a bitch! The experiments gave it quantum powers not rational thought!

Captain Atom ends up absorbing the rat. Or dissipating it. Or changing it into oxygen. Who knows? He disappears it and saves the day. He heads back to the Continuum (his laboratory headquarters) and he and his wheelchair bound mentor put Ranita's hand back together using Cap's powers and his Megala's knowledge. Everything is better except for the part where Ranita could never love him because he's a freak that ruins everything he touches. But Captain Atom is content with his place in the world. He finally feels he fits in.

And then Krul ends with the Earth blowing up twenty years from now on April 1st.

April Fools!

No, seriously, am I supposed to care about this for some reason? The Earth being destroyed in twenty years? Is this supposed to set up Captain Atom's next story line where he needs to prevent this? I hate when current plots are motivated by visions of the future, so this is dumb. Television show Heroes dumb.

Captain Atom Issue #6 Rating: No change. Captain Atom still has two more issues to regain the bottom spot in the New 52, so no hurry to displace Grifter just yet!

Blue Beetle #8

I expect Blue Beetle to be a double amputee at the end of this issue.

Ten months ago, the sexist bastard scientist now known as Stopwatch was working in the Mojave Desert in a particle accelerator.

Oh, give it up. Flashpoint!

But something went wrong as somethings always do! Especially with the Flashpoint barrier making sure that Stopwatch's work can never be successful. Except if you have Legion Technology and then just the one time so that you can get a bunch of Legionnaires into the past. Also all of those times Time Travel was used before Flashpoint happened. Which doesn't make any sense because Flashpoint always happened since it happened. Or something. Stopwatch's assistant, a woman he loved even though "she was never going to win any beauty contests" (which is why he's a sexist prick), was killed in the explosion. Nobody knew how Stopwatch survived.

If he's a frozen bubble of time, shouldn't he be immobile and indestructible and immovable?

Stopwatch is using kids from a runaway shelter. The Scarab traces the tachyon readings to this shelter called Prodigal House. It's a pretty good place to lead Jaime since he's a runaway and hasn't eaten for days. Or probably hasn't eaten for days since he'd have to steal to eat and then he'd have to yell at himself to put it back and then he wouldn't have anything to eat because he just put it back. So now he can officially get a legitimate meal and poop in an actual toilet and sleep in a bed instead of on a ledge fifty floors up in the air.

Fun fact about the word Prodigal. Everybody uses it as an adjective that describes somebody who has been away for a long time and has returned. That's why Prodigal House. It's a house of runaways who, hopefully, will one day return to the people they love. And because of the story I'm about to tell, that's a correct usage and the most favoured. But the word itself doesn't have anything to do with being away. The actual definition of prodigal is "spending money or resources freely and recklessly; wastefully extravagant." Oh ho! And why is this? Because the story in The Bible is about two sons. One son is wasteful and irresponsible and the other is responsible and thrifty. I believe the father gives his inheritance to the sons (or some large sum of money or something) and one leaves to spend the money and lose it all and enjoy it. That's why he's the prodigal son. The other son stays and helps his father and saves the money (or something equally boring). But when the prodigal (wasteful, recklessly extravagant) son returns, his father does not lecture him or shame him. He accepts him back happily and with no reservations. I'm sure I've flubbed the story somewhat since I just recalled all that from memory. And me with a The Holy Bible within arm's reach! And yes I meant to put both articles in that sentence! Because it's called The Holy Bible and it's just one of many copies! So there!

Jaime meets a bunch of kids in Prodigal House that may or may not be a gang of super villains! I'm guessing not but I'm sure one of them will be chosen as the next Short Timer!

Caught stealing from your mom's purse so you ran away? Stealing from your mom's purse is vanilla! Every kid in America has done it! Pussy!

Prodigal House checks for reports made by the parents of the missing kids at the shelter and responds by letting the authorities know the kids are safe. Since they're actually runaways, is there nothing the authorities or parents can do at that point? Does the place grant teenagers asylum? However it works, it'll probably take care of the problem that Jaime is missing. And he doesn't really have to worry about his parents worrying about him. At least Tony Bedard didn't just expect the reader to forget Jaime is a runaway and his parents are going out of their mind wondering where he is. This at least allows the comic to put that drama on hold for awhile.

The headmaster of Prodigal House works with Stopwatch to collect these kids. And Stopwatch has become particularly interested in Jaime because his sensors pick up an anomaly located on his torso. Or fused to his spine, actually. Stopwatch arranges a meeting with Jaime and, of course, the Scarab overreacts and causes Stormwatch to meet Blue Beetle instead of Jaime.

That's what I've been saying, Magic Scarab! Fucking Flashpoint!

Stopwatch thinks he's going to build his time machine and go back in the past to stop the accident that turned him into Stopwatch. This will make it so that none of the Short Timers ever died while helping him and everybody will be happy touchy feely again. But Blue Beetle destroys the non-working time machine and Stopwatch flips out. Stopwatch also gets away while Blue Beetle is worrying about being hit by the super aging tachyon ray. It's okay though. No part of him ages like the cover would have you believe.

But the fight causes Prodigal House to go up in flames and the kids see Blue Beetle leaving. They're excited because he's an internet Superfail star! But Jaime is worried he'll get blamed for this as well! So he tells the Scarab to hunt down that enemy the Scarab sensed earlier. You know? The one I figured was Guy Gardner. Blue Beetle thinks the Scarab means an actual bad guy and Blue Beetle wants to beat up a super villain in public to help his reputation. But the problem with Jaime is he keeps forgetting the Scarab is a bad guy. So the Scarab takes him to the so-called Bad Guy for a big public throw-down!

Duh! Tony Bedard is also writing New Guardians. Kyle Raynor should have been my first guess!

Oh, and the guy that eats cats? He's in New York to beat up Kyle Raynor. And I think he was hired by the Guardians of Oa! Drama!

Blue Beetle Issue #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. All I can say about this comic is it's a solid title. Good job, Mr. Bedard. Also, let me add that I really like that Stopwatch was an actual super villain. He had a motive. He had an origin. He was robbing for a purpose. He was delusional! And none of it was tied to Blue Beetle. Out of The New 52, there can't be more than a small handful of villains created like this. They're either tied to the Super Hero which makes them worthless as a reason for the hero to exist (Who needs Super Heroes when they're just protecting themselves?) or they have no apparent motivation.

Blue Beetle #7

Remember the good old days when comic book covers posed situations like "What is the mystery behind Pink Kryptonite?" or "The Day Robin Became Batboy!" Yeah, I don't remember those days either. That was a long time ago!

Jaime has arrived in New York City where I'm pretty sure you exit the airplane right into Times Square. Except he probably flew via his Blue Beetle wings. I'm not sure where you land as a Super Hero without attracting undue attention and then change into your normal clothing with nobody suspecting. Probably Times Square.

Jamie stops to listen to an entire show about another Glorious Godfrey type guy trying to turn everyone against super heroes. He sees that there is somehow footage of him fighting with Paco and threatening Brenda and it's made its way onto the internet. He learns he's now been labeled a Super Villain as well. I don't know how he learns all of this since I'm fairly certain they don't actually blare the sound on these giant televisions in public squares. Maybe he's tuned into the sound via Magic Scarab Technology.

While in New York, Jamie realizes he needs funds. He didn't even bring the obligatory runaway backpack! He's got nothing but the clothes on his back and the Scarab embedded in his spine. But that seems to be enough. The Scarab convinces Jaime to rob an ATM and Jaime pretends to believe that he'll pay the bank back sometime in his successful future. But the Scarab is a complete ignoramus as to how people rob things on Earth. Instead of having the ATM eject the money for Jaime, the Scarab makes all ATMs everywhere eject money! Or at least the ones in the vicinity.

Fifties? What is this? Vegas?

While Jaime is trying to find his way as a homeless youth with a horrible secret (you know, just another Lifetime Movie), the Scarab informs him that THE ENEMY is also located within New York. Now who could the Scarab see as the enemy? Guy Gardner, probably. And he is currently in New York getting his ass beat by OMAC!

The scene changes to some weird gray guy acting all weird and being weird to some normal New Yorker who isn't weird at all.

People actually let their cats roam outside in New York City? I don't buy this. And I don't buy the sound being audible on the giant Times Square monitor! Now I've never been to New York though, so I could be wrong. I guess cats roam every neighborhood everywhere because they are awesome.

This non-weird guy is looking for his 20 pound cat. That's a fucking huge cat. My cat is 18 pounds and he's a monster. Not a big fat Garfield type monster. He's shaped more like a raccoon.

The monster, Judas, is the big one. Pelafina is the other half of the abusive relationship. I'm pretty sure less than a minute after this picture was taken, Judas grabbed Pel and tried to rape her.

I bet that weird guy is behind the cats disappearing, right?

Or at least knows who is behind it!

That guy sitting in the dark in his apartment eating neighborhood cats? That's the way people who don't live in New York picture every other person who does live in New York! I'm not sure why this reminds me of Downtown, one of my favorite cartoons ever, but then I probably never know why anything reminds me of any other thing! Except for the New York part. And probably the weird stories about New York. So it makes sense!

Blue Beetle continues to search New York for another super hero. When he finally does find one, it turns out to be yet another villain that can phase through walls and is using the power to steal things. Although this is New York so maybe it's the same one that Static let go! It doesn't seem to be the french guy that Mister Terrific left to die in Iceland. But then it probably isn't either of them since the Scarab declared it's possibly a female.

Once Blue Beetle realizes that this Super Hero is robbing a jewelry store, he decides he has to act! I guess there's a big difference between robbing an ATM because you're hungry and robbing a jewelry store for unknown reasons. What a hypocrite!

What about vandalizing the store window? Is that okay?

The enemy isn't a female. It's a kid about the same age as Jaime. The kid is named Short Timer (like the cover!) and he fires Tachyon Bursts that cause things to age thousands of years in mere seconds. He's also intangible like previously noted. But the Scarab blasts him with something to take away the intangibility. And once the kid is hit, he aborts the mission and runs off scared.

Blue Beetle hangs around the jewelry store to protect the goods because he's a naive jerk from El Paso trying to make his way in New York City! And even though he saw that broadcast that showed the entire world he was a super villain (although, still, where the hell did they get that footage? And how did it become famous so fast when so many other catastrophes are happening! Like the United Nations bombing that killed Rocket Red and disabled a bunch of Justice Leaguers!). So when people arrive, they assume he was robbing the place and they drive him away. I bet that robbery makes the news as well now!

Meanwhile, the Short Timer heads back to the headquarters of his partner, Stopwatch.

Short Timer! Ah ha ha ha! He got you, super old kid!

Blue Beetle Issue #7 Rating: +1 Rating. I almost gave this comic a no change rating but it's so low on the charts that any issue that is better than decent should grant it a rise in the ranks. I also like that he's dealing with a Super Villain that is actually a criminal and not just someone trying to attack Blue Beetle. But I don't like the turning normal people against him thing. That's a bit over played in comics.

Blue Beetle #6

What font did they use for the word 'foe'? Turd?

Last issue of Blue Beetle ended in a pretty chaotic mess. Paco transformed into the Red Beetle which wants to kill Blue Beetle. And Red Beetle's Emergency Medical Scarab doesn't seem to be brain damaged like Blue Beetle's scarab is. So Paco escaped the hospital and is seeking Blue Beetle to terminate him. Meanwhile, Brenda's aunt tried to fuck kill Jaime because she knows he has the Scarab. But that went all kablooie and Brenda's aunt and her entire mansion disappeared in a mystical vortex. Jamie must have shit himself because when this issue begins, he's at home changing his clothes.

Have I mentioned how much I like the art in this comic? The style matches the mood of Bedard's writing.

While Brenda and Jaime are trying to figure out a course of action, the door bell rings. Jaime answers and surprise! It's Paco! He's doing pretty well for a guy who was just stabbed through the heart by his best friend! Pretty well if you ignore that the Red Scarab is doing all the talking for him. And it decides to transform Paco into Red Beetle because it thinks Jaime needs killing.

That Brenda is a cutey!

Blue Beetle takes the fight outside so that Brenda isn't harmed in the chaos. He then questions the Magic Scarab as to why this is happening. And the answer is fairly simple.

I have some other questions! Since everything the Magic Scarab creates stems from just the Magic Scarab (that's all that arrived on Earth), can it make multiple TAU healing roaches? Or is this the only one available to it and it was merely activated because it sensed the Magic Scarab was damaged? If the Magic Scarab can create a suit and guns and wings (see? Jaime's wing is fixed!), what more can it create? Is there a limit to how much stuff it can make?

Jaime and the Red Beetle have a little discussion as they beat the crap out of each other. The Red Beetle is winning because it has some magic goop that crystallizes and covers Blue Beetle's weaponry. It has these highly effective Blue Beetle Counter Measures to ensure that a defective Scarab is taken out of circulation. But it accidentally lets Jaime know that its organic host, Paco, thinks Jaime is pathetic. This doesn't go over so well.

Hey now, Jaime! Let's not be so judgmental about high school drop-outs! High school isn't for everybody and it's way over-rated anyway!

It's at this point when Jaime gets an idea. If he can convince the Red Beetle that he's submitted to the Magic Scarab, then everything will be okay and the Red Beetle will stop being such a dick. To convince the Red Beetle, Jaime himself needs to act like a total asshole.

He's just saying this so his mom will let go of Brenda and he can take Brenda away and beat her in front of the Red Beetle.

Once she's given the ultimatum, Jaime lets go of that whore's hand without thinking twice. Jaime tells the Magic Scarab to make him sound like he's possessed by the Magic Scarab. That means Jaime has to say things like "My Organic Host" and "Shut up you stupid latina bitch!" and "Destroying the Earth is fun!" He's a real downer when he's acting like the true Blue Beetle. You know, Ted Kord really got the Blue Beetle persona wrong! Seriously! He couldn't have been any wronger! What with all the joking with Booster Gold and the Bwa ha haing and the getting fat and out of shape. That's why he got himself shot in the head! The real Blue Beetle would have went along with Maxwell Lord's world domination plan! Stupid Theodore.

Blue Beetle beats and threatens Brenda in front of the Red Beetle to convince him that he's back to his old evil Magic Scarab self. The Red Beetle has enough of Paco in him to revert to Paco's form when Blue Beetle threatens to kill Brenda. But Jaime can't reveal who he is to Brenda. Especially after what he just did to her and his mom. He can't reveal who he is to anyone without them despising him and feeling hurt and betrayed by him. What the hell can a Blue Beetle do now?

New York City? Somebody get a rope!

Blue Beetle Issue #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. Nobody's more surprised than me how enjoyable this comic is. The art and the writing mesh well. And even though the Blue Beetle Scarab coming to Earth to destroy the world and taking over a teenager as its slave seems like it should be pretty heavy material, it's not. This comic has the exact tone I like in my comic books. It's jokey and fun but can be serious when it needs to be. More of the New 52 need the Blue Beetle attitude.

Justice League International #9

Will this take place before OMAC has Kevin Kho's mind within it?

The last couple of issues has seen Justice League International exploded, attacked by a conspiracy of super villains, and then handily beaten down by OMAC. It's a pretty sad turn of events for a super hero group that has yet to accomplish a mission. Oh, sure, Booster Gold might believe they were successful on their first mission. But since they had actually been sent out to recover some scientists and the scientists were never heard from again, I'd say they failed. And even if you consider Peraxxus as their main threat, they didn't defeat him either. He just got tired of swatting bugs and decides Earth wasn't worth the cost.

In summary, Justice League International sucks. Perhaps this issue they'll have some kind of success! Although if they have to rely on Godiva to defeat OMAC, I'm already a little worried.

The four panels previous to this she was doing some heavy duty Grifter-style Narration Boxing. [Narration Boxing is when the character narrates the story from some weird perspective instead of actually thinking in the moment].

When I turn the page, I have one of those "Holy Shit Dan Jurgens You Didn't" moments. But he did. He fucking well did. Guess what? OMAC isn't against the Justice League International even though he just beat the fucking ovaries out of them. He's just looking for Batman!

If you take away fights between heroes started from poorly written miscommunication, Comic Book Writers would lose a third of their material.

OMAC appeared last issue falling from the sky and landing squarely on Guy Gardner's head. He then yelled, "No time to talk. Need doctor," and preceded to have plenty of time to get in a huge brawl. Now that a bunch of time has been wasted fighting with the JLI, he decides talking won't take that much time at all! But it's a bit late for the "Pardon me but can you lead me to the Batman?" speech when you've just spent the last few minutes pounding the shit out of August General in Iron lying helpless on the ground.

I should dig up my old Justice League International comics by Dan Jurgens and see if this is how he treated that team back then as well. I do remember a lot of unfortunate crap. I should see what else Dan Jurgens has written. Does he make ever protagonist go through hell?

OMAC then declares that the Justice League International is wasting his time since Batman isn't around and jumps over a building to get away. His leaping trajectory takes him right into the path of Booster Gold, Batwing, and Batman as they head back to gather the troops. Looks like the Eiffel Tower is under attack. No, not by Daemonites and an idiot with a red scarf on his face. Skeets has informed Booster that it looks similar to the recent attacks on the United Nations but not the Hall of Justice. Because the Hall of Justice was merely fire-bombed by rednecks.

OMAC finally finds Batman but then flips out again and tries to smash him. Am I supposed to assume that Kevin Kho can't totally control OMAC and that OMAC is filled with anger and rage like a certain Green Something From The Company That Shall Not Be Named? You know? Marvel! Because even though OMAC wants to find out if Batman can help him change back to normal old Kevin, he keeps fucking attacking everyone and destroying the streets of New York. No wonder people hate Super Heroes living in their city! This destruction has nothing to do with the safety of anyone and just OMAC trying to speak with Batman.

Batwing blows a hole in the street so that they drop in to the sewers. I don't know how that's supposed to be any better. The plan is to contain him but I figure if the fight continues, they're going to smash a lot of building's foundations down here. He does seem to calm down though and the rest of Justice League International joins them.

Actually, Wonder Woman just tried to hold a meeting with Hades and Poseidon just at the entrance to the London Sewers. If it's good enough for Greek Gods, right?!

Everyone in the sewers has a different agenda and Booster Gold looks to Batman for guidance. As long as Batman is around, Booster is never, ever going to step up and be leader of this team. But that's okay because Batman probably won't stick around for long. He'll probably become too embarrassed to associate with these losers. And then after pages of fighting, OMAC apologizes.

I just don't get it. Why the need to make OMAC appear hostile? Am I willfully being ignorant of the need for this? Was it just to have a surprise shock ending last issue? Because if that was the main reason, it just sucks because now we've wasted half of this issue dealing with a non-threat.

Oh yeah! That's why OMAC was hostile! I forgot about, hee hee, Intersek, hee hee hee. Intersek...well, I'll let Intersek, hee hee hee, explain.

Poor Kevin Kho gets Brother Eye out of the way but he still has to deal with every Super Villain that can force the monster to come to the surface.

This Anarchist Team of Super Villains (the ones with the destabilization plan I'm not totally against) teleport out of New York and into their Bunker, wherever that is. They'll probably be back terrorizing someone in an issue or two. But if it wasn't these guys terrorizing France, who was it? And why did Skeets feel it had similarities to the United Nations attack?

Oh. That's why! Breakdown's power was similar to a Firestorm's power.

Yay! Another cross-over! I wish DC would stop their "world-building" and just let the writers write stories without constantly forcing guest heroes and cross over story lines on them.

Justice League International Issue #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. So the OMAC thing was explained within the confines of the story. I'd forgotten about last issue when Intersek claimed they had "a wildcard ready to strike." But it still sucked. Guy Gardner even used the phrase, "Is that all you've got." That's very nearly an automatic fail on the review scale. I hope that they don't spend all of Firestorm Issue #9 fighting with the Firestorms only to finally realize that they're all on the same side.

Birds of Prey #8

Why is Black Canary beating up that nerd robot?

I was pretty hard on Duane Swierczynski the last few issues. But he's a professional author! I keep thinking maybe I'm wrong about Duane. Maybe he is trying to develop the characters. He does have them talk. Like how Ev and Black Canary super trust each other but then Ev says, jokingly?, that Black Canary is the murderer! Is that really a joke amongst the best of friends when you're accused of killing your husband? (And I guess her husband is that Lance guy mentioned in Teen Titans? So he's not dead? He's just part of another covert group?) And remember that time Katana and Black Canary giggled about Poison Ivy not really being a friend? Maybe I need to change my attitude!

Okay! New attitude towards Birds of Prey! New story line and new chance for Duane! Let's see how many pages in he fucks it up! I mean, I'm super excited to read this great story!

The first two pages aren't bile risingly bad. They're awkward, sure. Like a pony taking its first steps or a fourteen year old girl giving her first hand job. Some guy named Gangemi investigates a crime scene where a man was murdered by what he believes was Black Canary and her sonic scream. The man belongs to whatever covert ops group Gangemi belongs to. Just another one for the list. I imagine any place in the DC Universe worth investigating is probably composed of 75% people infiltrating from different Black Ops teams.

The third page makes me wonder if I'm wrong giving Duane and Jesus and Javier and June another chance.

Black Canary looking stoic as usual. Katana in an action pose. And why the fuck is Batgirl swinging from her Batrope in a hotel room?

I think the guy in the Hologram is named Infiltrator. And his crew of super villains is called Infiltrators? The fire in the hotel room that Katana and Black Canary are standing in and on in every single panel without any problem has been created by Napalm. Napalm is a bit sad that Poison Ivy isn't there. I guess he's a rival of hers. Perhaps the conservative corporate shill to her liberal eco-terrorist feminazi agenda. And the naked guy attacking Tatsu...

Where do I fucking start with this? Flesh?! Seriously. And now Duane has just created a substance in the DC Universe that you just smear on your body so that you have invincibility? Or can this guy still die from a long fall? I bet if Tatsu sticks the Katana in his mouth he won't be protected.

So this stupid group of Super Villains have caught Black Canary in a trap that doesn't entirely make sense. Black Canary Narration Boxes, "We'd come to the hotel on a tip...a man claimed to have information about a murder that would interest me greatly." So that sounds like maybe Black Canary doesn't know about the murder? And then Infiltrator says, "Dinah Lance...did you really think you could shatter a man's skull and get away with it?" And then Black Canary Narration Boxes, "No, I didn't think I could get away with it. But I also didn't think it would end like this..."

Wait. What? So you did murder this guy, Dinah? And then you came back because someone had a tip about it and they gave the tip to you and you didn't think twice that the person knew you had done it? Are you an idiot? Or is Duane the idiot?!

Just asking! Just asking! I'm giving him a fair shake! Let's see how Batgirl is doing out on the balcony. I'm not sure why she went out there. Possibly to get away from the flames. Or maybe to fuel the flames with more oxygen? Who can tell? Batgirl is acting loopy, swinging around a hotel room on a rope! So, out on the Balcony, she meets the Infiltrator that was meant just for her.

And this guy's name is Head and his super power is that he can't be knocked out. But I bet those chemicals can be ripped from his head!

Now, the Birds of Prey haven't been active for very long. But a super villain (or government Black Ops group) has already studied them and developed a team to counteract their fighting techniques. That's the oldest and stupidest super villain trick in the book! Because now Katana, Poison Ivy, and Batgirl can all just rotate to the left and switch partners. Batgirl will knock out Napalm, Katana will chop the chemical implant off of Head's head, and Poison Ivy will explode Flesh from the inside by growing some fungal spores or something. And Black Canary will probably just turn off the stupid hologram.

Or they'll all just take out the person fighting them anyway since these villains are all so stupid!

South Dakota? So this must be Checkmate.

Meanwhile, Starling is breaking into "Undisclosed Location #8374" in South Dakota. Is that supposed to be a joke? The place looks like a house but it's really some kind of high tech bunker. Starling gets caught by some guy. So maybe it's not Checkmate. Maybe it's some other Black Ops group that works out of South Dakota. But instead of Mount Rushmore, their Headquarters is in Undisclosed Location #8374.

The fight continues among the non-lethal and non-even-hurting flames. Perhaps they're only an illusion! Or maybe Napalm can control who they hurt since Poison Ivy is the only one he's allowed to burn. Or something. It's all very confusing. Like where this hole in the floor came from:

I think it's the hole in the floor that Flesh burst out of when he first attacked. The scene was not drawn well so I couldn't tell if he was busting through a wall or door or ceiling. So I guess it was the floor. So does that mean Flesh has super strength as well as invulnerability? Or is it just assumed in the DC Universe that any normal person can break through any wall, floor, or ceiling?

Black Canary had fallen through the floor earlier but I didn't mention it because it's all just a big mess. Plus remember when Batgirl was swinging from a rope in the hotel room? That was funny.

Ev and the guy who catches her talk a little bit, Spy to Spy. Ev is investigating Black Canary's supposed murder charge and this Spy wants to give her some information. Which means he's just trying to manipulate her, duh!

They did not make any headlines in Birds of Prey #7! Unless everything they do is known by everybody! Because the people Mind Controlled don't remember anything that happened while they were mind controlled! Or else Ev would not be surprised by the following information.

Because Ev found this out last issue from Choke. So why does she need to investigate? Oh yeah! Because the mind control victims forget everything! So how did the Birds of Prey make headlines especially when they're supposed to be a "covert ops team run by a bunch of supercriminal hotties." That was a quote from Birds of Prey #1.

And then the fight ends with a lot of luck although it was all part of Katana's plan. She drops Napalm down an elevator shaft and he explodes like 18 tons of C4. The entire building is demolished so hopefully the Luxury Apartment Building where a guy was killed three days ago was suddenly completely empty. And Flesh gets trapped beneath rubble with his invincibility. And Head gets his chemical's smashed but who the fuck cares since the rest of him is crushed under the rubble anyway. And the Birds all get out easily.

And I suppose that Black Canary wasn't admitting to having killed the guy three days ago. That was a murder that definitely was meant to look like Canary did it and might involve a future story line. Or it might just go the way of Choke and his ridiculous story arc. Black Canary was admitting to having killed her husband because she knew that's why these particular guys (especially Hologram Man) were after her.

Nearly the same look she always has except with a tear.

But as we've seen previously in Teen Titans, Kurt Lance has recently been spotted with Amanda Waller in New York. So no need for all this drama! Everything will turn out fine!

Birds of Prey Issue #8 Rating: -1 Ranking. This issue might have just garnered a mediocre, no change ranking review except for the part where Katana ends the fight by demolishing the Cornwell Hotel. Just three days prior, there were guests who reported the alleged Sonic Scream and brought the police in to investigate the murder. And the hotel wouldn't close down the entire place for one murder! Maybe a floor or two. So Katana just killed an entire hotel full of innocent guests and staff. Nice job!