Blue Beetle #9

Kyle's just passing through to recharge his ring, Ted Jaime! Just leave him alone.

Last issue, Jaime had a great idea to improve his reputation: get into a public fight with a super villain. Oh, and win! So he told the Evil Scarab to find an enemy to fight and the Scarab did. It took him to battle Green Lantern since the Green Lantern Corps are long-time enemies of the Blue Scarab Legion or whatever the fuck they call themselves.

Oh, look at that! Oh, you can't see what I'm looking at. Let me explain it to you. The Scarab arms Blue Beetle and targets Bleez the Red Lantern first. Jaime yells at it to stop because Green Lantern is a good guy. But the Scarab tells him that Green Lantern is an enemy of The Reach! So The Reach is whatever the fuck the Scarabs call themselves!

The cat-eating alien that was sent to capture Kyle is left to watch the fight from his apartment window.

Is Green Lantern using a Venus Fly Trap construct because he's fighting a bug? Does Blue Beetle look enough like a bug to make that creative call? Maybe. Or maybe Kyle just likes the cartoon ending to Creepshow 2.

Bleez later calls Jaime "that insect" so I guess his costume does scream bugsuit! I wouldn't have thought so. Maybe it's the wings. Oh, well, the next construct Lantern makes definitely shows everyone in the DCnU sees the Blue Beetle costume as a Bug Costume. Or maybe they all know him by name already. Maybe they remember the Charlton Blue Beetle?

Uh oh! Kyle didn't get a chance to recharge before the fight! He's going to lose!

Kyle's ring is running out of charge and what's going on with Bleez? Shouldn't she be sick from the Red Central Battery being poisoned? It's hard to tell what events have happened already from one comic to another.

Bleez comes back at Blue Beetle and is about to puke all over him when Kyle Raynor tells her she'll burn down his neighborhood and blocks her pie hole with a face mask. Doesn't Kyle have a secret identity? Should he not be screaming out loud and in front of a guy that he thinks is a super villain that this is his neighborhood? In any case, as he's distracted, the cat-eating alien fires his sniper rifle into Green Lantern and drains the rest of Lantern's power. He begins to fall to the street but Blue Beetle saves him. And then Bleeze attacks again!

Metabolic Arousal.

Since Blue Beetle is only a teenager, I imagine if Bleeze straddles him much longer, he's going to need to get his uniform cleaned. Wow, I'm just full of videos right now!

While Bleeze dry humps Jaime while threatening to vomit on him (fetish?), the police in El Paso tell Jaime's parents they have some good news and some bad news. The good news: Jaime turned up at a homeless shelter in New York. The bad news: Blue Beetle burned the fucker to the ground immediately! But the police assure them he'll probably turn up. And then under their breath they probably whisper, "Even if he's a burnt corpse when he does."

Meanwhile in New York, Bleeze feels a faint stirring.

How many other comic books have dealt with erections in spandex? Or Alien Armor, I guess. But imagine if Booster Gold were aroused! Now imagine that Booster Gold was aroused by Blue Beetle! Now you can imagine some of the pictures I had to wade through to find a shot of Ted Kord's head from the back. And I still couldn't find an ideal one.

Glommy gets shot next by the cat-eating alien's sniper rifle and he disappears in a POIT sound effect. Then the alien decides to show himself. I guess he felt the odds were even now that Green Lantern's ring was out of power and Glommy disappeared.

Back in El Paso, Brenda has a meeting with her Tia's lawyer. Since Brenda's aunt Amparo Cardenas disappeared, Brenda, being her sole beneficiary, has just been given access to an account to take care of her until her aunt returns, if she ever does. If she never returns, Brenda will inherit a shitload of money. One page is devoted to this and it might just be to keep the reader up-to-date with what's happening to Brenda. But it could be the start of something else involving Brenda, a large sum of cash, and Paco the super villain. Maybe Brenda and Paco will take the cash and start a team to bring down the Blue Beetle since everyone thinks the Blue Beetle is a bad guy.

Things aren't going very well for Bleez and Kyle in New York. Lantern's ring is dead and Bleez doesn't seem to be a physical match for the cat-eating alien. The alien also mentions to Kyle that the Guardians sent him, so now Kyle knows those little blue jerks are, once again, up to no good. Blue Beetle realizes the reason he's in this neighborhood was because the Scarab sensed Green Lantern's Battery. So Jaime flies off to get the lantern and save the day. Or at least bring back the tool that will let Green Lantern save the day.

The cat-eating alien's handler looks on from the window. He's probably the scarier half of this villainous pair.

After that's all taken care of, Jaime explains why he's in New York. He needs help from a real super hero to show him the ropes. Jaime explains that he wants to keep his family from getting killed. Kyle says he understands that and he'll help out.

What the fuck happened in Kyle's life where someone he loved ended up dismembered in his fridge?! Holy shit! I never followed Raynor at all, so this memory is news to me!

Later, back at Kyle Raynor's apartment (what's up with that? Kyle tells Beetle he won't tell him his identity but Beetle knows where he lives. Or has the lease on this apartment been signed by Green Lantern and not Kyle? Even that isn't a good idea! He obviously leaves his Battery in the apartment unguarded since Jaime was able to get it. I'm confused about Kyle's living conditions!), Green Lantern scans Blue Beetle with his power ring. He discovers that the Scarab is from The Reach and that the Scarab is damaged. He also discovers that the home of the Blue Lanterns is under attack! He's willing to mentor Jaime but first he has to help Saint Walker, so he tells Jaime to stay out of trouble and flies off to New Guardians #9. Bleez heads back to the Red Lanterns' comic. And Blue Beetle is left to hang around for Mister Bones to come investigate him (yeah, I've seen the cover for Issue #10!).

Blue Beetle #9 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm giving Blue Beetle a freebie bonus +1 point for dealing with Jaime getting an erection in his bugsuit. Also because he asks Bleeze if she was Green Lantern's girlfriend. Awkward. The normal +1 is because this comic is a workhorse. It's just steadily getting better and keeping up the fun quality. This comic feels like the script for a Saturday morning animated cartoon.

New Guardians #8

Those ropes would be more effective looped and on the end of large poles. These guys are all going to get fucking space rabies.

The Weaponer of Qward, the being responsible for creating Sinestro's Yellow Power Ring (or, really, stealing the patent on the Green Ring and making an improved counterfeit), finds himself captured on the planet Korugar (Sinestro's home planet) and sentenced to death. He's saved at the last moment by Arkillo. Since Arkillo has been off chasing a stolen Yellow Ring and gallivanting all across the galaxy with the Rainbow Corps, he hasn't been keeping up on his Sinestro Corps Quarterly Newsletter.

Arkillo just looks like a sock puppet.

After Arkillo flips the fuck out, the comic returns to an hour earlier with the Rainbow Corps just having left the Orrery. Invictus has let them go with the condition they kill Larfleeze. Kyle Raynor's having second thoughts about this deal but, as he notes, Invictus could have killed the entire Rainbow Corps all by himself if they'd refused. They really better not screw this up. The Rainbow Corps has to keep Invictus happy or else the universe is going to have another Darkseid on their hands. If this guy can easily beat seven different colored Lanterns at once, who in the universe can defeat him? Besides Batman.

Once the Rainbow Corps is clear of the Orrery, Arkillo tries to download the Newsletter to his ring but finds that the network is down. Kyle Raynor asks his ring about the Sinestro Corps and discovers that it was disbanded 22 hours ago and that 98% of its members are dead or captured. Arkillo is understandably perturbed by the news.

How do the Lantern rings know so much? Where do they get their news-feed?

Arkillo ditches the rest of the group as he flies off to the beginning of the comic book. Green Lantern thinks they should all charge up with their lanterns and regroup later. So Kyle is going to fly off with Glomulus to Blue Beetle #8. And Munk is gets a distress call that Indigo-1 needs klok, so he heads off to Green Lantern #9. Saint Walker and Fatality look like they'll be taking a break until the Guardians regroup as they head off to recharge without any plans for cameos anywhere else. As for Bleez...

How many times do you think this shot has been used on Batman?

While charging her ringing and spouting her stupid oath (I think the Indigo Tribe have the best oath since it's incomprehensible), Fatality learns from the Zamarons that Invictus could not have opened a portal out of his Universe without help from someone in this Universe. They instruct Fatality that her job is to determine who helped him and why.

Back on Korugar, Arkillo and the Weaponer of Qward escape into the sewers and the Weaponer's hideout. The Weaponer threw away his Sinestro Corps ring when he realized Sinestro had betrayed him. But while in hiding, he forged a new ring and power battery that he's now offering to Arkillo.

Why continue to use the Sinestro Corps logo on the ring?

The only thing the Weaponer is asking for in return is The Orrery. Oh, okay. No problem! With the ring, Arkillo and the Weaponer escape Korugar and the issue ends.

New Guardians #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. Every aspect of the comic was mediocre but it gains a +1 Ranking due to the gratuitous butt-shot of Bleeze. No, no. Good story, all that. Enjoyable. Well-paced. Blah blah reviewer clichés blah blah.

New Guardians #7

Fatality looks like she's napping.

End of last issue, Invictus had defeated all of the New Guardians except Bleez since Bleez was just arriving. Will she save the day? Probably.

Since this story has been all over the place, I haven't been able to pin down what was possibly going on. But I guess speculation is for stories where the beginning and middle and end all have a continuous sense of motion. This story has continually changed, issue after issue. The only thing that has remained constant is Larfleeze being behind it all. But the why has remained elusive. Until this issue.

When a plot becomes too complicated, just have somebody explain it. Also the added bonus of learning why the Orange Constructs are sentient.

Because Saint Walker wanted to heal Invictus, Invictus decided to tell Saint Walker his story. Once Invictus was filled with the power of all of his fallen brothers, he was finally ready to defeat Larfleeze.

I may need to read the about the origin of Larfleeze.

The only problem with this plan is that Invictus hesitated when he realized that Larfleeze killed the members of Invictus' Council of Virtue. Larfleeze clipped Invictus' wings and threw him into the other universe instead. And everything after that makes sense. Time must work differently between the two universes. So Invictus has been gone for billions of years. During that time, he's built the Orrery out of the Vega star system of the other universe. And he finally found a way back to this universe to destroy Larfleeze. Larfleeze knew this and "recruited" the New Guardians save his ass. And during the chaos to get them to work for him, he also was able to beat up on some of the Guardians for a little while. Bonus!

Most of my speculations are correct but Invictus didn't build the Orrery from the alternate Vega System. He built the entire thing himself. And genetically modified other aliens to closely resemble the populations of the planets he protected.

Glomulus!

Once Green Lantern begins asking questions and everybody stops bitch slapping each other, things begin to start making sense. You know how many wasted pages of comic book could be avoided every year if some editor made a rule that characters had to speak with each other before fists started flying? Also, maybe people need to stop believing other people who are known liars and narcissists and delusional megalomaniacs.

But I guess even talking has its limits because then the writer has to work the dialogue through to a satisfactory ending for all parties. And fuck that! That shit is hard! Better to just interrupt the peace talks with a maniac Lantern!

And you fell for it, you dumb bitch! I fell for it as well. I thought the talking was going to work for once.

Saint Walker believes that with Munk channeling the Blue Light of Hope along with Saint's own Hope, they can heal Invictus. It only makes him angrier. Invictus decides that Saint Wanker shall be the first to die. But he's stopped by ... Arkillo?

Oh, you can say it. Come on! You don't fear friendship, do you?!

Kyle decides to try talking once more and it works this time because Bleez has been rattled a bit and choked a lot. So Invictus decides to let them live. On one condition: Kyle Raynor kills Larfleeze.
So which will it be? Do the Guardians listen to one bastard to kill another bastard or do they listen to one bastard to kill another bastard? This isn't quite Sophie's Choice, is it?

The New Guardians #7 Rating: No change. I am enjoying the story but this issue had a little bit too much exposition for my liking. Having a character tell this much of the story at once just points to the failing of the story to be told across the other issues. But that's okay. No change in the rankings isn't a bad thing! It just means this comic series is exactly where it needs to be in the New 52. And New Guardians is a good comic. I think.

New Guardians #6

The last issue of New Guardians didn't remove my doubts that Tony Bedard doesn't have a good handle on this story. For a second I thought maybe it was going to end up being a cosmic threat that brought all of the colored Guardians of the Universe together. But suddenly it's turned into a not so cosmic threat that's actually just angry at Larfleeze for some reason and the New Guardians are being manipulated by Larfleeze to fight his battle for him.

Well, I guess that plot works as well. Whatever!

The Great Alarm of Invictus rings throughout the Orrery to warn everybody that he's coming to kick the New Guardians in their collective faces. Kyle Raynor contacts the others with his ring by tapping into the emotional spectrum of the others. What this means is unless he's afraid, his ring can't communicate with Arkillo the Yellow Lantern. And unless he's hoping for something, he can't speak with Saint Walker. Which means he must be in love with one of his fellow Guardians or else his ring wouldn't have been able to contact Fatality! Hmm. I wonder which New Guardian he's in love with?

I guess lust is probably just as effective.

Before the New Guardians have a chance to regroup, Invictus appears before Fatality and Munk. He immediately begins invective at them. Maybe that should have been his name: Invectus! He's a real holier-than-thou asshole. Sinner this and darkness in your heart that. But he's also a Grade A Super Villain so he accidentally says too much.

Maybe that isn't too much. But Batman would now know how to defeat him based on this information.

With one blast, Invictus nearly kills Munk and Fatality. Munk teleports them to Saint Walker so that he can heal them. But Invictus easily follows since his statues seem to be some kind of portal that allow him to travel from world to world. And, of course, all of the New Guardians on each separate world happen to be hanging out around the statues. These New Guardians are pretty decent investigators to be able to search whole worlds and find these statues. Perhaps there are statues littering the surfaces of all of these planets.

And what are these planets anyway? They're obviously just copies of the real planets. Or are they the same planets from an alternate dimension? And Invictus has conquered the universe, placing planets inside his ships to use as energy? He is billions of years old. But would that mean that Larfleeze is the God of the New DCU? Or is he the fallen angel of Invictus's universe who was banished to the New DCU? I bet that's it!

No, no. Close! But I bet Larfleeze actually escaped imprisonment and punishment in the other universe which is why Invictus has entered this universe to chase him down. And that's why Larfleeze set up the New Guardians. He needed them to get together because they were the only people in he universe that he felt could defeat Invictus.

Invictus arrives and tussles with Arkillo. There always has to be a tussle, doesn't there? I enjoy comic books where there doesn't always have to be a fight. Maybe I shouldn't be reading DC Comics then, amirite?! Anyways, do I say anyways too much? And meanwhile? It's just I run out of shit to say sometimes. I can't always think up a new way to introduce a new scene or find a new way to steer my ramblings back on track. So, you know, Arkillo nearly gets his ass killed by Invictus because Arkillo "fears nothin---AAAARRRRRGHGHHH!" That was Arkillo not me falling off of my office chair.

But then Green Lantern shows up to save the day with a stupid light construct!

What? No king of the world jokes?

A really good Green Lantern would have had a little green light construct band playing on the deck.
That titanic distraction only keeps Invictus off-balance long enough for Green Lantern to say, "We're here!" Invictus then goes after Glomulus since he's a direct creation of Larfleeze. But Saint Walker stands up to Invictus and tries to heal him. But there is nothing at all wrong with Invictus. He seems to know what he's talking about when he says he's the light and good and the ring-bearers are evil stupid jerks.

But just when everything looks bleak and all of the Lanterns are dazed and confused, a hero arrives!

Oh wait. Never mind. It's just Bleez.

New Guardians #6 Rating: No change. Just a little bit too much concentration on battle this month. I hope they reveal that Larfleeze is basically a God from Invictus's universe. Maybe that's why he can infuse his Orange Creations with a life of their own.

Blue Beetle #8

I expect Blue Beetle to be a double amputee at the end of this issue.

Ten months ago, the sexist bastard scientist now known as Stopwatch was working in the Mojave Desert in a particle accelerator.

Oh, give it up. Flashpoint!

But something went wrong as somethings always do! Especially with the Flashpoint barrier making sure that Stopwatch's work can never be successful. Except if you have Legion Technology and then just the one time so that you can get a bunch of Legionnaires into the past. Also all of those times Time Travel was used before Flashpoint happened. Which doesn't make any sense because Flashpoint always happened since it happened. Or something. Stopwatch's assistant, a woman he loved even though "she was never going to win any beauty contests" (which is why he's a sexist prick), was killed in the explosion. Nobody knew how Stopwatch survived.

If he's a frozen bubble of time, shouldn't he be immobile and indestructible and immovable?

Stopwatch is using kids from a runaway shelter. The Scarab traces the tachyon readings to this shelter called Prodigal House. It's a pretty good place to lead Jaime since he's a runaway and hasn't eaten for days. Or probably hasn't eaten for days since he'd have to steal to eat and then he'd have to yell at himself to put it back and then he wouldn't have anything to eat because he just put it back. So now he can officially get a legitimate meal and poop in an actual toilet and sleep in a bed instead of on a ledge fifty floors up in the air.

Fun fact about the word Prodigal. Everybody uses it as an adjective that describes somebody who has been away for a long time and has returned. That's why Prodigal House. It's a house of runaways who, hopefully, will one day return to the people they love. And because of the story I'm about to tell, that's a correct usage and the most favoured. But the word itself doesn't have anything to do with being away. The actual definition of prodigal is "spending money or resources freely and recklessly; wastefully extravagant." Oh ho! And why is this? Because the story in The Bible is about two sons. One son is wasteful and irresponsible and the other is responsible and thrifty. I believe the father gives his inheritance to the sons (or some large sum of money or something) and one leaves to spend the money and lose it all and enjoy it. That's why he's the prodigal son. The other son stays and helps his father and saves the money (or something equally boring). But when the prodigal (wasteful, recklessly extravagant) son returns, his father does not lecture him or shame him. He accepts him back happily and with no reservations. I'm sure I've flubbed the story somewhat since I just recalled all that from memory. And me with a The Holy Bible within arm's reach! And yes I meant to put both articles in that sentence! Because it's called The Holy Bible and it's just one of many copies! So there!

Jaime meets a bunch of kids in Prodigal House that may or may not be a gang of super villains! I'm guessing not but I'm sure one of them will be chosen as the next Short Timer!

Caught stealing from your mom's purse so you ran away? Stealing from your mom's purse is vanilla! Every kid in America has done it! Pussy!

Prodigal House checks for reports made by the parents of the missing kids at the shelter and responds by letting the authorities know the kids are safe. Since they're actually runaways, is there nothing the authorities or parents can do at that point? Does the place grant teenagers asylum? However it works, it'll probably take care of the problem that Jaime is missing. And he doesn't really have to worry about his parents worrying about him. At least Tony Bedard didn't just expect the reader to forget Jaime is a runaway and his parents are going out of their mind wondering where he is. This at least allows the comic to put that drama on hold for awhile.

The headmaster of Prodigal House works with Stopwatch to collect these kids. And Stopwatch has become particularly interested in Jaime because his sensors pick up an anomaly located on his torso. Or fused to his spine, actually. Stopwatch arranges a meeting with Jaime and, of course, the Scarab overreacts and causes Stormwatch to meet Blue Beetle instead of Jaime.

That's what I've been saying, Magic Scarab! Fucking Flashpoint!

Stopwatch thinks he's going to build his time machine and go back in the past to stop the accident that turned him into Stopwatch. This will make it so that none of the Short Timers ever died while helping him and everybody will be happy touchy feely again. But Blue Beetle destroys the non-working time machine and Stopwatch flips out. Stopwatch also gets away while Blue Beetle is worrying about being hit by the super aging tachyon ray. It's okay though. No part of him ages like the cover would have you believe.

But the fight causes Prodigal House to go up in flames and the kids see Blue Beetle leaving. They're excited because he's an internet Superfail star! But Jaime is worried he'll get blamed for this as well! So he tells the Scarab to hunt down that enemy the Scarab sensed earlier. You know? The one I figured was Guy Gardner. Blue Beetle thinks the Scarab means an actual bad guy and Blue Beetle wants to beat up a super villain in public to help his reputation. But the problem with Jaime is he keeps forgetting the Scarab is a bad guy. So the Scarab takes him to the so-called Bad Guy for a big public throw-down!

Duh! Tony Bedard is also writing New Guardians. Kyle Raynor should have been my first guess!

Oh, and the guy that eats cats? He's in New York to beat up Kyle Raynor. And I think he was hired by the Guardians of Oa! Drama!

Blue Beetle Issue #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. All I can say about this comic is it's a solid title. Good job, Mr. Bedard. Also, let me add that I really like that Stopwatch was an actual super villain. He had a motive. He had an origin. He was robbing for a purpose. He was delusional! And none of it was tied to Blue Beetle. Out of The New 52, there can't be more than a small handful of villains created like this. They're either tied to the Super Hero which makes them worthless as a reason for the hero to exist (Who needs Super Heroes when they're just protecting themselves?) or they have no apparent motivation.

New Guardians #5

Sure, Kyle. That rock that is also being sucked into the Vortex will save you.

 

The six colored Lanterns converge on the Vortex. The Red Lantern, Bleez, took off last issue when the Blue Lantern tried to heal her insanity. Too bad for her that her sanity was restored to her in the Red Lanterns title anyway. And wait until Arkillo finds out that the majority of his Yellow Lanterns have been destroyed! Ha ha! By Sinestro, even. Also, the Orange Lantern with the silly name, Larfleeze?, is not with the group. Instead, his little tubby potato Orange Lantern is covering for him.

I can't remember his name either but I think he's more of a potato than a pus-bag.

 

The Lanterns split up and Kyle ends up with the Orange Potato, Glomulus. But before any action takes place, the story goes back in time to show Bleez getting dunked in the Blood Ocean to restore her sanity.

She goes a little bit deeper than this in Red Lanterns.

Inside the spheres, the Lanterns find planets. Arkillo and Saint Walker's sphere contain a planet the natives call Tamaran. And they look like Tamaranians with horns and ridgy protuberances. Fatality and Munk's planet is called Okaara by the ape natives. Okaara is the planet where Larfleeze currently resides. Kyle and Glomulus land on a planet that is covered entirely by a great city.

The residents of the planet Kyle comes to run from him and Glomulus while screaming about the beast. Kyle and Glomulus find a temple where the priest shows them a statue of the great beast.

It's Larfleeze!

 

Larfleeze is the beast that is the enemy of all the worlds in the Orrery. And his great enemy is the protector of the Orrery and lives within the sun at the center of the system. His name is Invictus and he's angry at Kyle for bringing the Orange Potato into the sacred temple. So Invictus is rising from the flames of the sun to come destroy the Lanterns.

Pretty good searching, Kyle, seeing as how this entire place was the size of the solar system! What luck to stumble upon the place where answers were to be found! I guess I should be thankful they didn't drag out the search for five issues with lots of random fighting and no movement in the plot.
As for Invictus, why would he have a Latin name? I'm sure the name is being translated by the ring from whatever language the alien priest is speaking (although there are no foreign language brackets around the text, so maybe he just knows English), so why wouldn't it just translate his name into English instead of Latin? Like Kyle is going to know what invictus means! He didn't even know what an orrery was! And he doesn't have the internet to nearly sort of translate stuff for him!

This is Invictus. Just another cliché bad ass.

Not much more was explained this issue, so the Lanterns are really still just as confused as when they started. Larfleeze has something to do with this Orrery thing and not in a good way. It looks like this Invictus is some enemy of his and he's hoping that the Lanterns will destroy Invictus for him. And why are there familiar planets in this thing's shells? I guess I have to keep staying tuned to find out.
New Guardians doesn't move up or down in the rankings because it needs to explain more and it invented a stupid space villain named Invictus. It should be named something with letters that have no human pronunciation.