Thursday, February 29, 2024

Justice League Europe #49 (April 1993)

Just in case readers forgot this was a battle against Russia, Randall added some penis-looking onion domes in the background.

I don't mean the onion domes literally look like a penis. I've seen penises before and if I saw one that looked like that, after I'd sucked it, I'd be all, "You need to get this thing checked out and thanks for dinner." Adding those onion domed towers is to a story that takes place in Russia as the Eifel Tower is to a story that takes place in Paris. That's just basic comic book math. Comic book math is to comic books as analogies are to the SATS, in case you were confused.

Hopefully Power Girl has such control of her power levels (which I assume she does, being that it's right there in her name) that she can manage to punch a helmet to smithereens right off a Russian's face without severely maiming the Russian wearing it. Unless she just doesn't give a shit that these dudes have been brainwashed by Sonar and they don't really want to be invading other countries and killing innocent people. According to Billy Joel, they just want to make children laugh. According to Sting, they may or may not love those children.

The comic opens with the ghost who has been unliving in the Justice League's new castle headquarters (because when he was alive, he lived in it. And owned it) discovering that he is a ghost and his consciousness transported to some future which he can hardly comprehend. I can't see how an incorporeal man in an ancient armor suit who's startled by every electronic beep he hears or moving metal object bigger than a badger will be any help to Justice League Europe but I'm assuming he's part of the team now. His first job is to alert Justice League America that Justice League Europe and the Justice League Reserves have all been defeated by Sonar. Luckily he doesn't know how embarrassing that revelation is, so he should have no problem delivering the news.

Kara's cat returns to team up with Ghost Knight (after he insults it in fifteen different Shakespearian ways).

Was every knight of England this fucking dramatic?

I don't remember every knight in the movie Excalibur speechifying like this. Then again, all I really remember about that movie are the dozens of uncovered boobies. I watched it when I was like twelve! If there was an exposed nipple on the screen at that age, it was all I was concentrating on. I've grown up now. Now I can also concentrate on naked asses if they're sharing screen time with the nipple. I love to believe we're all capable of that kind of growth. It's called maturity.

With everybody else brainwashed, lost, defeated by Rocket Reds, or stuck in some bureaucratic meeting under the sea, Power Girl is the only non-ghost member of the Justice League left to battle Sonar. Which mature readers would have learned from the cover. I only mention it again because the scene shifted from Kara's cat's team up with a ghost to Power Girl flying into Mosco intent on causing an international crisis. I'm not going to scan that moment because it looks exactly like the cover. No wait. I just looked at the cover again and remembered Power Girl was murdering Rocket Reds while she's just flying peacefully in the panel. I guess I'm not as mature as I thought since I figured both the cover and this panel show a ton of Power Girl's cleavage and therefore they were identical.

The Russians on the street argue over which side they want to come out on top: Sonar who seems to be helping feed everybody or the American superhero with the huge American tits because, well, I mentioned the tits, right?

How did they know Hal was an American? He's not wearing jeans or singing a Beatles song.

It's weird that the one guy thinks America has been shipping its homeless to Russia. Not that I can't see America doing that! Spending millions of dollars to kidnap American citizens the general population find irritating to ship them out of the country instead of spending millions of dollars on economic safety nets and social programs that help people. I guess it isn't so weird being that I just admitted that I could see our government doing that. But it's still weird that he instantly recognized Hal as an American without first hearing him talk or showing off the wad of cash in his pocket.

Hal suffers from amnesia caused by The Flash's supersonic yellow foot connecting with his unprotected head. After that, I suppose Hal's ring teleported him to the safest place it knew: underneath some stairs in the freezing cold in Moscow. Maybe the ring knew Power Girl would be flying by soon and Hal would recognize her. When he does, the ring senses his wishes to communicate with her and flies him to her. Not realizing he can fly, Hal probably shits himself.

Since Hal isn't allowed to fight alongside Power Girl because the cover said Power Girl fights alone, Hal's ring teleports them somewhere to discuss who the fuck Hal is and what they should do once Hal remembers.

Back in Modora, Elongated Man wakes up for three seconds and manages to hear a nearby Rocket Red detail Sonar's entire plan to some other guy. So Elongated Man, being instantly caught up on what's happening, puts on his stretchy pants and wades out into battle too. It's starting to feel like Power Girl isn't going to be fighting alone for long. I think maybe her fight already happened even though she didn't actually fight anybody. She just got blasted by a bunch of Rocket Reds, fell into Hal's arms, and disappeared.

Elongated Man arrives in Moscow just in time to see Aquaman immediately get his ass kicked after saying, "I'm on a diplomatic mission." Isn't there some law against arresting diplomats? Didn't I learn that from Lethal Weapon 2? Or was I supposed to learn the opposite lesson? That you can commit any kind of violence you want to a diplomat if you're crazy enough?

Doctor Light intercepts Elongated Man, pretending to not be brainwashed by Sonar, and leads him into a trap.

Look out, Ralph! There's one empty space! Who do you think that's for?!

DC should have released this Sonar superhero restraint machine as a sturdy carrying case of their Super Power action figure line (with an extra compartment to shove Hawkman, of course).

Normally I'd wonder how Sonar and the Rocket Reds managed to capture these heroes, many of whom have greater powers than Sonar and the whole Rocket Red Brigade combined. But The Flash helped catch them and this is one of those things in the DC Universe that I harp on all the time: The Flash should be the most powerful hero on Earth. Even together, none of these heroes could stand up to a guy who can just go so fast everybody would basically be in stasis. Except Jay Garrick, of course. But he's old and you can't expect his reaction times to be anywhere near Wally's.

Finding the Justice Society and Justice League Reserves captured isn't the most surprising thing Ralph's twitchy nose has led him to. He also learns that Sue Dibny has left him for Sonar!

Some people might think she's faking or under mind control. But I like to believe she's finally realized Ralph is a disgusting monster with a weird dick.

Even if Sue is faking to help bring down Sonar, she had to have fucked him, right? No way he instantly trusts her this much without a little proof in her pudding.

Justice League America arrives via the teleporter in the Justice League Europe's castle. The team is composed of Wonder Woman, Maxima, Guy Gardner, Agent Liberty, Bloodwynd, Fire, and Booster Gold. Did Gerard Jones and Ron Randall not get the memo that Booster Gold and Fire had lost their powers? Or did they just suit up because they needed something to do and heading over to London isn't exactly dangerous. They discover The Flash still trying to recover from his mind control. They soon learn from The Flash and from the traitorous tailor that Sonar is behind it all.

Guy's speech might sound familiar here because it's what I've been saying through this entire story arc.

Fire poses like she knows Agent Liberty is staring at her ass in that panel. But then maybe that's the only reason she's here? To look good? She certainly can't turn into flame anymore for some reason. Maybe this story takes place after the "Destiny's Hand" story arc where Fire gets her powers back, Booster fixes his suit, and Black Condor has long ago fled back into the Pine Barrens.

Well, I guess Fire's fine now. But Bloodwynd specifically mentions that Booster has lost his technology. He's their emotional support hero.

I only have two more issues left before I stopped reading Justice League Europe back in 1993 and this might be why. Why keep reading both comics when Justice League America has to come over to this comic to save the day? Might as well just read the book with the real heroes in it!

Crimson Fox shows back up after ditching her suit, having realized Sonar's tailor had put listening devices in them all. "That means she's running around naked," you're probably thinking while logging in to the Mile High Comics website to look for some back issues of this comic book. But she isn't. She's got a jacket on that somehow covers everything. I mean, you can tell it isn't covering her ass when she's facing the reader. But it seems to cover her ass when she's not facing the reader. It's the most magical jacket I've ever seen and I hate it.

She stumbles upon Sonar meeting up with a bunch of hired mercenaries who are willing to help him take over all of Russia and its former Soviet Republics. I don't know why they're meeting out in the wilderness. Probably so Crimson Fox could stumble upon them!

Weren't Eurocrime defeated by Ralph and Sue Dibny? Why would you ever give them a second chance?

Justice League Europe #49 Rating: B. If you bought this comic book in 1993 because you were excited to see Power Girl fight alone, you were left severely blue-balled. Also, young people on tumblr, being blue-balled is an actual thing that can cause nausea, pain, and intense discomfort. But it is never an excuse for a guy to pressure somebody into a sexual act! They probably have at least one hand! They can take care of themselves! Also, once you wind up blue-balled, I don't think an orgasm really helps. I mean, it still feels good! But you're still going to feel the sick effects of the blue balls. I haven't had enough experience with blue balls but they seem to be pretty rare. You don't automatically get blue balls because your dick has been hard for an extended period without ending up in an orgasm. If that were the case, do you think Sting would be so into that Tantric shit? He'd be the most blue-balled man that ever lived! Or maybe he's into nausea, pain, and discomfort? Maybe that's how that sicko gets off! So that's my rating! This comic book somehow made me think of blue balls. Maybe it was all the near ass and poonanny shots of Crimson Fox in her magic jacket! Ow my lower tummy hurts!

No comments:

Post a Comment