Wednesday, March 13, 2024

Justice League America #79 (Late August 1993)

"These don't look like The Extremists." "Oh, they're the NEW Extremists. They don't look so tough." "OH! They're deadly! Now I'm hooked!"

I don't know who any of these Deadly New Extremists are but historically super villain groups love to recruit one-to-one match-ups for existing super hero teams. My evidence that this is happening here is how every character is fighting one other character and also that Dreamslayer and Bloodwynd are not depicted, meaning the two magick guys are off fighting each other because that's a good match-up. Based on that huge assumption, I'm going to guess the powers and names of the New Deadly Extremists!

First off, the guy battling Guy Gardner. Guy Gardner's super power is to make constructs out of light, or light constructs. So I bet this guy makes heavy constructs out of solids! Like that big duffel bag gun he's carrying. His super name is Gym Break-in. Because breaking into something is the opposite of guarding something. And Jim is a first name like Guy but the play on words is that he works out with really heavy equipment, like the constructs he makes!

The big galoot battling Wonder Woman must be the opposite of a wonder and the opposite of a woman. Something like Mundane Man would be getting us on the right track. But let's go a little further. If he's a regular, boring, non-wondrous man, that means he's probably a chauvinistic bore. His name is probably Toxic Masculinity. Wonder Woman doesn't look tough but she's super powerful so Toxic Masculinity must be super weak since he looks so tough. That's a super power because once Wonder Woman beats his ass, he cries out how feminism has destroyed heterosexual relationships, gaining the pity of any pawns of the patriarchy standing around nearby (or sitting over their keyboards putting their credit card information into X so they can jerk off to the number of views they have on every boring post but no other engagement at all. Then they hide the Blue Checkmark so they don't like Elon's cuck).

The sexy woman about to do the Crane Kick on Maxima has to have powers opposite of Maxima's. I don't know Maxima that well but I think she can manipulate metal and blast people with her mind. This woman has a glowing knife and a bustier. Don't think I'm jumping to conclusions that half-naked sexy women are vacuous imbeciles when I say this woman is probably a vacuous imbecile. That's just the opposite of being able to blast people with thoughts. This woman has no thoughts and thus she can suck people toward her. Then she stabs them with her plastic knife because she can manipulate plastic because that's totally the opposite of metal. Her name is Suckyoubustier. She also loves anal because that's the opposite of constantly trying to suck Superman's dick.

Jay Garrick is super old and runs fast so his nemesis is super young and walks slow. She uses youthful slang and doesn't know anything about World War II. She has gorgeous hair which I'm totally in love with because that's the exact opposite of wearing a pot on your head. Her name is Strip Tease because that's the opposite of getting flashed. You might think the opposite of getting flashed is putting your clothes on really slowly but that's just because you were raised by normal parents in a mediocre educational system that never taught you to really examine how opposites work. Also don't you want to see her get naked really slowly because I can't stop thinking about it now that I thought about it.

The Ray looks like he's fighting some guy who would be named Serpent Dude or Ye Olde Robin Hood. But he's wearing shades which gets us into seeing how he's the opposite of The Ray. He's totally into darkness and being cool instead of lightness and being a huge nerd. The Ray shoots beams or "rays" of light so this guy throws blobs of plasma. His name is The Squirt. I don't know why he wears a chain across his chest. Is that part of being a cool dude?

Here we go! Just a matter of pages before all my speculation is confirmed!

Wonder Woman freaks out because she realizes the team isn't ready for this kind of fight. She just thought they were going to beat the shit out of a bunch of no-power civilians which is why she let that old fogey Jay Garrick come up with the plan. But now the team has to scatter because she doesn't want them fighting on the airstrip and destroying it. Now that's leadership! You know how rare it is for a super hero to be concerned with the property damage that will result in their huge super brawl?! Max Lord must have put stipulations into their contract with the League that each hero is responsible for any property damage they cause and liable for any injuries sustained by onlookers.

Toxic Masculinity, whose name actually turns out to be Brute, meaning I was fucking close enough to score a point on this one, attacks Wonder Woman.

Pretty sure "UUHHH EAT HUHHH!" translates into "Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich."

I don't know what Wonder Woman's "GAAAFFF!" translates into unless I read it backwards and then I'm fucking upset. Wonder Woman! Saying slurs backwards doesn't make them okay!

Jay Garrick battles Strip Tease whose actual name is Death Angel. That makes sense! Even though I pointed out the villains should be the opposite of the heroes, you know that includes villains who have powers which exploit the weaknesses of the hero. So Green Lantern winds up having, as an opposite, the foe Sinestro. Jay Garrick's main weakness is being old so you'd expect he'd have a hard time against a villain who was basically the angel of death. I may have missed the mark on this one but now I'm picturing the angel of death stripping slowly.

You know what? Seeing your wife young again is basically watching a strip tease to an old person. I get another point for this one!

I just realized another reason why Strip Tease would be a great nemesis for Jay Garrick! You can't run fast with a hard-on! This is why I was never good at football on downs after I'd tackled somebody.

Bloodwynd blasts the vampire off of Jay Garrick but then he's blasted into another dimension by Dreamslayer. It can't be the real Dreamslayer because the real Dreamslayer is dead. If it is the real Dreamslayer, I won't write it but I will think this: I hate you, Dan Vado.

Dreamslayer helpfully explains how he "survived" being killed by Silver Sorceress. So I guess I don't hate you, Dan Vado. I just thought maybe I did while I looked at you out of the sides of my eyes. Then after reading Dreamslayer's explanation about how he really is dead and trying to resurrect himself, I was all, "Okay, that explains everything. I now have no problem with him appearing over the airstrip and blasting Bloodwynd because he was actually dead and not really there at all. Totally makes sense."

Oh, I get it! Dreamslayer wants to marry Bloodwynd.

Dreamslayer explains how he was killed but that Silver Sorceress didn't account for life after death. Being that Bloodwynd has now been pulled into The Realm of the Dead (coincidentally it's where Bloodwynd gets his power), I'm surprised he doesn't tell Dreamslayer to shut the fuck up as he goes racing off to find Superman. Or had Superman already returned by August '93? I really didn't pay much attention to all the Reign of the Supermen shit at the time.

The Extremist Guy Gardner winds up fighting is called Gunshot which totally makes sense because he wields a gigantic vibro-axe. He talks more shit than Guy Gardner.

Maxima's rival is called Meanstreak. I guess her theme is dominatrix? She throws psychic knives while having to constantly pull up on her bustier so her boobs don't pop out. I think she's my favorite deadly New Extremist.

The guy Ray matches up with is called Cloudburst. Or Bad Weather. He needs some practice revealing his name.

I get the feeling the Deadly New Extremists have made a few mistakes in their match-ups against the Justice League. A bunch of them are using powers that help to power the Justice League members themselves. So Dreamslayer lives in the Realm of the Dead and uses its power to attack Bloodwynd whose power comes from the Realm of the Dead. Bad Weather/Cloudburst uses lightning to blast The Ray who is master of light which, if you pay close attention, is part of the word "lightning." Meanstreak uses psychic knives on a woman who has mastered psychic powers (and also manipulating metal which *gasp* knives our made out of!). Gunshot talks more shit than Guy Gardner so Guy can't get a word in meaning he can concentrate on making some light constructs that can easily defeat a guy with a terrible name and an axe. Brute is as symbolic a character you can get of the patriarchy and Wonder Woman fucking smashes that shit before seven in the morning daily. And Jay Garrick's prostate hasn't worked for years and some vampiric succubus thinks she's going to tempt him into her poison arms?! I think the deadly New Extremists might be fucked.

See? Marriage. If there's one thing I instantly recognize, it's a twink trying to fuck me. I mean somebody.

Bloodwynd rejects Dreamslayer and he takes it well, pointing out that he usually doesn't take rejection well. Normally he'd burn down the person's flat or end them if he catches them with another man or any of those other John Lennon songs about doing the most vile shit when a woman rejects you. Bloodwynd winds up back on the airstrip while Dreamslayer says, "Ta ta! See you later! Kissies!"

Except for Brute because Wonder Woman didn't need any help beating his ass.

I'd argue Wonder Woman's point about the deadly New Extremists being perfectly suited to battle each Justice League member one on one and, oh yeah, I did already! Maybe Wonder Woman would have lost if that little kid she rescued last issue hadn't run at Brute screaming, "No! No! No! No! No!" It's the only English he knew. Also Brute comes back because he needs to be put down by somebody other than Wonder Woman. Those are the rules! So Maxima takes out Brute, Jay Garrick takes out Gunshot, Wonder Woman takes out Death Angel and Meanstreak, Guy Gardner takes out nobody (although he finishes off Gunshot, I guess), and The Ray takes out Bad Weather/Cloudburst. Oh wait. How did he do that? That was against the rules!

Oh well, the deadly New Extremists were not deadly at all. Dreamslayer teleports them all away after being defeated, leaving the local warlord to face justice at the hands of Justice League America. The United States' news is all, "Justice League America are international heroes!" The rest of the world is probably all, "How soon before they begin imposing American beliefs on the rest of the world?! This is a crisis like none we've ever seen before! Maybe we should get Justice League International to put a stop to this imperialism!"

Justice League America #79 Rating: B. Just a standard, by the book bad guy team versus good guy team. Wonder Woman even takes a moment to explain how it works to readers in that panel I scanned where she's all, "The team was meant to match up to us equally!" It's such a standard trope that I went off on it at the beginning before even opening the stupid comic book! But you know what? I also enjoyed it! I guess there's a reason why this shit is such a common trope. Although I still don't know if The Ray's rival was named Cloudburst or Bad Weather.

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