Justice League of America #4

The Shaggy Man is the entire Secret Society? I suppose if just he can defeat the entire JLA, why bother with anybody else?

I hear a lot of people like the way this David Finch guy does art but I'm not buying into it. I hate how all of his women, no matter what their age, look fifteen. I hate that men and women underneath the same light look to be lighted in vastly different ways. I hate the way he gave Catwoman toothpick arms on this cover and put a huge divot in her boob where he fucked up the armpit. He did draw a really nice Shaggy Man though! I'm not saying he's not capable of drawing; I'm just saying I'll never be a fan because he's so fucking inconsistent. Luckily for me, Brett Booth is doing the interiors.

This issue begins with Dr. Light being called in by Amanda Waller. I thought Teen Titans #17 began with Lobdell creating his version of Dr. Light doing crazy things to children but I guess I was wrong. Or maybe that's what Lobdell was going to work on and then he forgot all about it and editorial wanted Dr. Light for Justice League of America and Lobdell's bit made no sense anyway, so fuck it. That bit of story from Teen Titans #17 won't ever mean anything. Just like that one page interlude with Hugo Strange on a book tour in Red Hood and the Outlaws isn't going to end up meaning anything. Just like Lobdell's foreshadowing of "The Thirteen" someday being reunited to end the omniverse will never amount to anything. I'm pretty sure I called that one just disappearing down the drain of bad Lobdell ideas.

Anyway, I was supposed to be discussing Dr. Light when I got sidetracked by my intense, all-consuming hatred for Scott Lobdell. I mean for Lobdell's writing! I'm sure he's a terribly nice demon. Guy! I meant guy!

So I'm pretty sure that Dr. Light is wearing a fake goatee. I don't know why! I'm not going to make a guess at gender or sex or whatever just to open myself up to abuse by social justicers who decided I didn't use a certain term in a certain way and they were totally fucking offended by it! Calm down, y'all. Save your outrage for actual outrageous shit. I'm just typing stupid bullshit about comic books over here. Get some perspective!

I don't know who I'm typing at! I'm pretty sure anybody easily offended and unable to parse hyperbole, exaggeration, and humor never even make it through one of my commentaries.

Tell me that facial hair isn't fake!

Doctor Light has been called in to examine a coin taken off of Multiplex by Green Arrow. It's their one clue to figuring out where Catwoman was taken by Blockbuster and Signalman. There's some bullshit about the coin emitting a frequency that Waller's team can't identify yet they can replicate it yet they can't pick it up yet they don't know if it's biological and they don't know how to tune a radio properly or how to switch over to the tape deck and the auto-reverse just keeps flipping back and forth and Dr. Light is supposed to solve all of their problems.

The Justice League of America board Steve Trevor's invisible jet to trace the signal that Dr. Light locks onto. I know what you're thinking! Invisible Jet?! He stole that technology from Wonder Woman! Well, he might have. But ARGUS (no more periods! I'm done with periods!) has improved the technology so it also makes the occupants invisible as well! Seriously, what good is an invisible jet when you can still see the passengers pooping?

Also, Stargirl has stowed away (or stowawayed?) on the plane because she hates Amanda Waller and her stupid plan to keep Stargirl out of the action.

Meanwhile Catwoman has escaped her chair and is exploring the Secret Society of Super Villains hideout.

With a map of the Batcave, it looks like whoever runs this little show is the person who stole the Kryptonite Ring from Batman's arsenal and gave it to Despero. Unless it was Martian Manhunter who did that, seeing as Martian Manhunter has all the right abilities to get past Batman's eye scans and palm scans and penis siphons and rectum idents. Also, Despero made those cryptic remarks about Manhunter wanting him to join him. Although that could have been about ancient history when Manhunter perhaps wanted to conquer Earth and was palling up with jerks like Despero and Amazo and Eclipso and Oreo.

The team eventually finds the Secret Society of Super Villains Headquarters which is a mansion that seems to teleport from forest to forest around the world. They infiltrate the base and quickly discover Professor Ivo's robot lab.

Actually, I think they were the iceberg. An Aquaman robot is a couple of ice cube trays at best.

And then The Shaggy Man attacks! The Shaggy Man has the ability to defend against any attack it's seen before. So I'm pretty sure my initial plan would be to shove a gun up its ass and pull the trigger. I doubt that's happened to it before!

Meanwhile Professor Ivo has discovered Catwoman prancing around on her investigating feet and he doesn't seem to question it too closely. Let's see, last time anybody saw her she was tied to a chair in their interrogation room. And now she's in the leader's office? Oh, no big deal. Come along. Let's meet everyone!

But Catwoman and her massive thigh aren't taking any chances.

Back to the fight with The Shaggy Man, Martian Manhunter is discovering it can breathe fire. That kind of evens up the odds a bit. Also, Stargirl has yet to catch up to them but I have a feeling she might be in some trouble. Amanda was keeping Stargirl off of the field team because Amanda's main concern was keeping Stargirl from getting killed. Now that Stargirl has ignored Amanda's orders, it means Stargirl has to face the consequences. And the set up is suggesting those consequences will be in the form of decapitation. Or evisceration. Possibly immolation.

The only trouble with that speculation is that it would seem really weird to introduce Stargirl to the New 52, have her do exactly nothing, and then kill her off immediately. Although she seems to have some kind of connection with Sylvester Pemberton and I think he's dead. Maybe. So death might not faze her for too long. Oh hell, she might not even die. Maybe she'll save them all! In your face, Amanda "doesn't actually know it all now, does she" Waller!

Except that whole Shaggy Man fight is just backdrop to the real action. Catwoman is eventually caught and returned to her chair where the pale, purple leader threatens to kill her if she doesn't tell him why her and her teammates have come looking for them. He also tells her he's about to send some crazy ass feedback through the coin that Dr. Light is examining. Catwoman tells the leader that killing her will bring Batman down on him and his cohorts and he seems fairly agreeable to those terms.

I'm pretty certain she has at least five more lives left. She managed to survive landing on her face in the street after Batman kicked her off of a motorcycle going 100 miles per hour!

Has Catwoman's comic book been canceled? Even with Ann Nocenti at the helm? No? So Catwoman must be okay. That gun she was shot with is probably using some kind of Ich Luge bullets! Also, she can't be dead because Batman! He's already had so much death in his life lately, how can he handle anymore? I mean, how can Alfred handle anymore!?

The back-up story is by Matt Kindt again and it's about Martian Manhunter's vulnerability to fire. I think he developed the vulnerability when an editor said, "Seriously, Joe? Why not just give him every power in the book! This guy can't be fucking beat! Make him vulnerable to kryptonite or something, sheesh."

Except it's actually guilt for being away on Phobos taking his Presidential Fitness Test while the rest of the Martians were wiped out in a global fire created by a Yellow Lantern (or more than one?). So now his survivor's guilt causes him to want to throw himself into a flame whenever he's near one.

The story may or may not have been more elegant than my synopsis. But you all know that having read the comic before reading my commentary, right?

Justice League of America #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. I hope Stargirl knows how to heal head wounds. And brain damage. And loss of blood. And fractured skulls.