Batman: Shadow of the Bat #5 (October 1992)

Why is The Black Spider purple?

The Cover
Brian Stelfreeze's painted cover depicts the story of a man trying desperately to expose his secret identity. If you run around town as The Black Spider while wearing a purple outfit, the first question people are going to ask is, "What the fuck?" The first and a half question people are going to ask is, "Why would he call himself . . . oh! Of course." I guess in 1992, comic book writers were still using the trope of having Black heroes often use "Black" in their superhero name. Sometimes it's cool, I guess. I like Black Lightning sounds like some kind of dark fucking arts Satan shit might be taking place. And Black Panther's costume wasn't purple. And Black Luke Cage was probably what Iron Fist called him when discussing him with his white friends to distinguish him from their drug dealer during college, white Luke Cage. But this guy's entire body is covered in purple spandex and he still prepends "Black" to his name. Weird choice. Although we'll soon see that maybe it makes sense in context to this one issue story. We might be getting a 1992 story about race so buckle up, Babies of the 21st Century (not derogatory!).

The Story
Issue #5 opens on a tragic scene that causes Batman to experience emotion. See, 21st Century Babies, in 1992, Batman was still allowed to show actual emotions on his dumb rich face. Sure, this was after The Dark Knight Returns but before the concrete conception of Batman as a hard-ass mirror to the world fully broken by the violence of that world had completely hardened. Or maybe Norm Breyfogle should have been drawing way more Batman so people could have growing up without scoffing at the notion that even a Batman can cry.

Look at how sad and anxious he looks! My poor orphan baby!

Speaking of grown men crying, do you want to hear the last two times I fully broke down this week? Yeah? Okay! The first time was Sunday night at work while I was buffing the floor of one of the stores I clean. I've been listening to all of my albums in alphabetical order while at work and had come to Jesus Christ Superstar. When people are asked what movie they've seen the most, I often answer Heathers or Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure because I believe musicals fall into a whole other category. But if I didn't think that, it would easily be Jesus Christ Superstar. I named my first cat as an adult and my best friend forever and my one true pairing and my soul mate and my familiar Judas because of that movie. Now, sure, that could be an easy reason to think that I broke down and cried. Because I was thinking about my beloved boy gone ten years now. But it wasn't. It was this line that hit me so hard because it rings so true as I've ventured into my fifties: "At first, I was inspired. Now, I'm sad and tired." Just that. Broke my fucking heart and I was snot crying (not hard sobbing but slow and unyielding tears coming) on security cameras while also still belting out some great lyrics!

The second time I broke down this week was at the end of Good Boy which, I know, I probably should not have watched being that my history of nearly dying of emotions after watching movies about animal characters began at the tender age of nine when I went to see Fox and the Hound (before that, at five, my heart broke from The Rescuers but that was about my huge first crush on Penny (and a quite confusing second "crush" on Miss Bianca. Confusing because I didn't know what sex was and because Miss Bianca was a mouse). But that wasn't exclusively about manipulating the audience with feels about animals). The movie Pig absolutely destroyed me. I can barely even talk about it without breaking into tears. It's happening right now, dammit! But a movie about a dog confused by the illness of his owner? And the way it ends? And the things that are said? And the way it ends on top of the way it ends? Come on! I was telling the Non-Certified Spouse about it the next day and crying about it and she was crying just hearing me tell her about it! At least it was, mostly, happy and sweet and sentimental tears.

I should point out that Batman isn't exactly crying hear. But he's yet to read the murder/suicide note left by his recent new friend, The Black Spider.

Sorry! Suicide novella.

Batman doesn't bother checking the bodies of the woman on the couch or the boy on the floor for signs of life because he's an expert on life and death. It's how he can so easily not kill anybody and also he doesn't want to leave any DNA for the Gotham Cops who hate him to find. The note explains that by the time Batman reads it, the people who destroyed this man's family will be dead. I say it's a suicide note because the implication is that he'll probably be dead too. He's going up against some dangerous criminals to get some kind of justice for what they've done. But Batman doesn't care about justice! I mean, he does care about it but he only cares about it if it's done his way which means no killing by non-law enforcement officers.

The Black Spider's suicide/murder novella narrates the story happening while Batman reads it. Or just before if The Black Spider's timeline is correct. Hopefully he timed it out so the criminals would be dead before Batman got to the line about everybody being dead by the time Batman reads it. Because Batman would surely not finish the note before rushing off to stop him at that point. Right? Wait. Is Batman still reading the note as the comic continues?!

Interesting. I learned all life is sacred by living in a community of, you know, living people. Who fucking needs Sunday School to teach that?!

One day at Sunday School was the entirety of my religious experience and I hated every fucking minute of it. I was five years old, just recently totally confused about the things I wanted to do to a posh cartoon mouse, and in Kansas with the entirety of my mother's side of the family (not a huge family: her parents, her brother and his wife, all their kids) to visit my aunt's family. It was the first time I saw finished basements with pool tables and recliners and carpeting (being from California where we don't need to hide from twisters). It was also the first time I was sent to church because, I don't know, that's what they fucking did on Sunday? At first I didn't care because I would just be hanging out with my cousin Jason who was just three months younger than me. But then, because those three months had caused us to be split up in the school system, they split us up at this Sunday School. I don't know if it was the biggest and most Satanic tantrum those Sunday School teachers ever saw but I tried my fucking best. I don't recall a lot of what happened but I'm pretty sure they just stuck me on a stool at the back of the classroom where I did my own thing through snot and tears.

Do all of my stories involve me sobbing? Um, yeah, probably. I think I've always resented having been forced to exist by my horny ass parents.

It never gets old, does it? Having the antagonist mirror Batman to show just how difficult it must have been for Batman to keep his shit together. Or as together as you can call shit that winds up making you wear spandex, take the name of an animal, spend every night beating the shit out of criminals, and spending all of your cash on crime fighting technology.

By this point, it's looking like The Black Spider's partner and child weren't directly killed by his friendly neighborhood drug dealers. They were killed by his addiction to heroin and bringing that addiction into his home. I'm not sure exactly how his son died yet but he probably sprinkled heroin onto his corn flakes instead of sugar. Fucking hell. That sounds delicious!

After The Black Spider kills a bunch of drug dealers, he begins interrogating the leader by shoving his face into piles of heroin. He's looking for the supplier so he can destroy the entire heroin trade in Gotham! But Batman, realizing he probably shouldn't read the entire novella of a note before trying to stop The Black Spider, arrives to, um, stop The Black Spider. I should probably put more thought behind the structure of my sentences. My writing would be much better if my editor hadn't quit after I asked her if my dick in a hot dog bun would be considered a sandwich.

Was "The Black Spider" a street term for heroin? If it was, that would be fucking cool! I'm going to pretend it was because unlike Ann Nocenti or Scott Lobdell, Alan Grant's a good writer.

Yes, that Syd and Nancy marquee shows up a lot. I said Grant's good not subtle. Also maybe Norm's behind that?

Do I need to italicize Syd and Nancy since it's a parody name of the actual film Sid and Nancy? I'd ask my editor but, well, I just explained that. Also is it a sandwich?

The Batman and The Black Spider spar for a bit, physically and verbally. The Black Spider must have recently read Infinite Jest because he makes a pretty good point about everybody being addicted to something in an effort to not feel the actual pain of existence. Maybe he doesn't put it quite like that but having read Infinite Jest and having nearly sobbed while describing to the Non-Certified Spouse the only shot in the movie, Infinite Jest, in the book was composed of, I tend to read a little too into comic book conversations about suicide, addiction, family, and our overall inability to fully communicate with anybody else. In other words, all the shit Hamlet is about. Which might seem obvious being that Foster called the fucking book Infinite Jest.

In a previous Shadow of the Bat review, I asked if Alan Grant got a credit on Knightfall. Well, now I'm wondering if he got a credit on Infinite Jest (published four years after this) too?

The Black Spider gets away by grappling a passing train with his Spider Grapple which Batman fails to grapple with his Bat Grapple because he's a few seconds too late. So being that there's a break in the action, we should get back to The Black Spider's suicide novella! He still needs to explain what happened to his partner and their son.

The note explains how, fucked up on heroin, The Black Spider accidentally kills his father when his father tries to intervene when The Black Spider robs a local store. He's convicted of murder and winds up in prison, leaving his partner alone after giving her just two things: a son and a heroin addiction. Ironically, those two things will eventually cancel each other out!

So I was right about two things: the kid does put smack on his cereal and Alan Grant isn't subtle at all.

I know I shouldn't blame the victim but that kid deserved to die if he was adding extra sugar to a cereal called Sugar Smackers.

Well, well, well. Maybe Alan Grant does have a subtle bone or two. It turns out that the story of Batman chasing after The Black Spider happened the night before Batman found the note. What a clever little comic book writer you are, Mr. Grant. I learned this because after The Black Spider gets away from Batman, he heads back to the apartment where his partner, Linda, has just shot up with the heroin stashed in the cereal box. He yells at her and shakes her and their son comes out and is all, "Mom! Dad! Why are you fighting?! Is it my fault? Should I eat less Heroin Smackers?!" And The Black Spider is all, "Don't cry, son! I'm going to end drugs soon! Then we'll be the happy family we never really were because the only thing that me and your mother have in common is our sweet, sweet love of dope!"

While The Black Spider deals with his family issues, The Batman tries to make sense of the poisoned verbal barb delivered by The Black Spider earlier that night.

Arguing with a murderous vigilante who's also an ex-dope addict is the closest Batman has ever come to therapy.

I should clarify that Linda is The Black Spider's ex-partner. He only recently came back into her life after getting out of jail and seeing she had a Black son at just the right age he was last able to perform before the smack turned his boners into floppers. Now he just wants to help her get off the heroin so she and his son can have a better life. But she doesn't want him back in her life and she doesn't want the heroin out of her life. I think their son just wants to eat cereal and not die from eating cereal. Too bad we can't always get what we want but sometimes we get what we need but did he need to die from eating heroin flakes? I don't know I might be rambling now.

"'Now!' he says," mutters the reader of the blog.

The drug dealers, upset with The Black Spider and knowing his secret identity (probably because of the whole purple costume/Black Spider name thing (and also maybe a little bit Batman shouting the guy's name along with this vigilante name whenever he confronts him)), decide to give Linda some pure grade powder that will 100% kill her. As a treat. Goddamn it. Why is saying "as a treat" so addictive? It must be due to all the pain I'm feeling from existence! Nobody has ever suffered like me! Or The Black Spider! Or Batman!

How can he even ask Batman this question? The man dresses up like a Bat and fights crime for a living! He's obviously been through some shit.

Linda tells The Black Spider to get out so he heads off to round up more guns to kill everybody at the heroin supply warehouse. While he's gone, the dealers give Linda her free heroin. She doses up and dies. Then Mikey puts it on his cereal and dies. Then The Black Spider comes back to apologize and figuratively dies when he finds them all dead. He spends the next few hours writing a novella for Batman to explain why he's going to murder all the drug dealers down at the local drug dealer warehouse. Batman's spent the last day and a half trying to rustle up Linda's address so he can find out why The Black Spider's back on the streets killing drug dealers again. By the time he figures it out, well, that's when we saw him coming through the window back on the first page.

The Black Spider's suicide/murder novella ends by telling Batman where he's gone. But The Black Spider only reveals it in the hopes that, if he can't stop them, Batman can. The problem is that Batman's a much quicker reader than The Black Spider realizes so Batman winds up at the warehouse just before The Black Spider's plan of blowing it all to shit takes place. So The Black Spider has to knock Batman out of a window to save his life before he and the drug dealers die as one. Batman climbs in the Batmoblie and goes home with a few things to think about. And every now and then, he does. Probably. Maybe not. He's really not that fucking into therapy.

The Ranking
Just another fantastic Batman story. Were Batman stories where the antagonist is a dark reflection of Batman as common a trope in 1992 as it seems it is today? Probably! It's not like that's just a staple of Batman comic books. Loads of fiction is just about looking at what small things happen to different people to drive them in completely different directions. Or how, as often happens in a Batman story, nearly identical things happen to two different people (one of them Bruce, one of them Hush or The Black Spider or that one guy I can't remember in The New 52 or any of the many characters I've never read but definitely exist) to show how Batman never allowed himself to fall into criminality or despair when he easily could have. I think most of the responses to those observations were, "Well he was a fucking kid of a wealthy fucking family who had a military-trained manservant to raise him. Of course he did better!" And that's why Hush was created. Probably. What do I know? I'm just a dumb little Internet guy! Just a wee baby smol fry who weeps at everything! You probably shouldn't listen to me at all!

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #4 (September 1992)

Fourth painting in a series depicting Batman jizzing in his pants.

The Cover
In previous reviews of this series, I mentioned how this fourth cover would be another picture of Batman ruining his bat-underwear with the bitterest of sex's many juices (unless Santorum can be considered a sex juice and then, well, um, I'm barfing now). But after really taking a close look at Batman's face in this picture, if he's being depicted in mid-orgasm by Brian Stelfreeze here then Batman has the most infected prostate in the fucking world. I don't believe I've ever made this painful a face in my life, certainly not while spooking a young lady by coming in her face too quickly while she thought she was just giving me a little oral to get me nice and hard for the actual sex. Also, if this face simply depicts a man doing a really strenuous activity like breaking some chains or digging a small hole, I'd have to admit I've never had occasion to make that face either. Hard work? Get the fuck out of here! I'm my momma's special baby boy! But enough arguing against my initial reaction to this cover since I've got the evidence that Batman actually has just unloaded a major bat-load in his jockeys: the cover is cut off just above where the growing bat-stain would be seeping into his outside underwear. Surely that's why the painting was bordered the way it is.

The Story So Far
Batman has been busy doing a reverse-Knightfall in this series except instead of Bane masterminding it, Zsasz has. Who is Zsasz? readers of 1992 asked and Christopher Nolan probably asked zero times because if he cared, he wouldn't have simply made him a henchman for some mob jerko. Well, he's a serial killer who also seems to be Jeremiah Arkham's life coach, therapist, and new bosom buddy. Or he's just a really manipulative mastermind and Arkham is really sweet and naïve and lonely. At the end of the last issue, Batman was about to battle every single one of his insane villains at one time. Being that most of his insane villains aren't martial artists or championship Mexican wrestlers (Bane doesn't exist yet), that battle should last all of four pages (and I'm only guessing four because there were so many of them. It'll take some time to show each one losing half of their teeth to Batman's fists).

The other story so far that most people won't even be wondering about is why it's taken me so long to review another comic book. I don't know! I'm old! I've got responsibilities! I'm trying to lose some weight and get back in shape during the worst possible fucking time: America's eat until you shit yourself and then eat some more holiday season! And other projects that I've been ignoring forever, like my Against the Day blog and Eee! Text Adventure Reviews Daily blog and doing other stupid bureaucratic chores that need to be done! Get off my fucking aching, old man back! Oh, also I have a needy cat whom I love. That takes up a lot of time!

The Story

In 1992, you were still allowed to allude to prison rape so I think the whole "humiliate him" and "pucker up" and possibly "bitten off" are all attempts at communicating the impending rape of The Batman.

I don't recognize the two characters who taunt Batman on that page. Do creators get royalties on characters if they just appear or do the characters have to speak? Is that the reason that some unrecognizable nobodies get the dialogue threatening sexual assault? Or is it simply that the Alan Grant wasn't allowed to saddle Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum with a legacy of trying to rape The Batman? Or The Riddler. "Riddle me this, Batman! What doesn't take two to Tango?!"

After reading that first page, I decided to take a quick break, discovered the Supergirl trailer had dropped, and subsequently came in my pants while making that same face as Batman on the cover. Five times. Because of this:

Please, please, please tell me Lobo and Supergirl fuck. And we see both of their asses during the consensually brutal sex scene.

Batman spends the next two pages defeating a room full of villains. But we don't get to see him knock out Poison Ivy with a sexy choke hold because that wouldn't be chivalrous, no matter how huge my erection would be seeing it. So three pages instead of four although the top third of page four shows Batman standing over all the unconscious bodies so I was pretty close.

After Batman's Tased by the guards and locked up in "special punishment" (which doesn't occur on-panel so we have no idea what the fuck that means. Is he sat in the uncomfortable chair? Tickled with feathers? Forced to eat too many Cinnabons?), Arkham heads back to whine at Zsasz about how Zsasz's stupid plan didn't work at all. Zsasz casually replies, "Yeah, idiot. Batman's a top-notch fighter and an athlete! All those other inmates are just fucking insane!" After that, Arkham gets angry at Zsasz and sends him back to his cell. I guess the iron lung he's been keeping him in was just to protect Jeremiah while he talks with him. I thought it was to make sure he doesn't escape. But now that Arkham doesn't want to speak to him anymore, Zsasz is just tossed back in the cell where he, apparently, can just come and go at will. Oh! That's probably why he killed the architect of this new asylum! They probably built a secret exit in his cell. That was the loose end he was taking care of! Although I still don't know why Zsasz killed Everard Mallitt. Or who even that person is!

The Special Punishment consists of being forced to speak with Jeremiah while his old man balls hang out of his bathrobe. And you can't avoid seeing them because you're chained to a wall in a straight jacket.

While Batman's forced to stare at Jeremiah's deflated sack, Zsasz escapes from his cell through a secret passage he paid the architect to build for him (the architect of the new asylum being a man plagued by a gambling addiction). Plus we learn that Everard Mallitt was the first inmate that the architect approached for a huge lump sum for easy outside access. He refused because he was too crazy to understand the architect was a real person and not a ghost. Zsasz had to kill him too because he wouldn't stop blathering about ghosts coming out of the walls, sobbing about their gambling debts, and asking for his PIN to his ATM.

Oops. I think we learn that later from the ongoing investigation. Zsasz just tries to escape again once Batman's in Special Punishment only to run into Nightwing in the sewers because Nightwing's scurrilous filth. Or a good detective, maybe?

I remember a time when I didn't know what the word "twink" meant.

Dick actually discovered the secret passages built into Arkham by the gambling addict architect whose name I refuse to look up even though it almost certainly contains less letters than "gambling addict architect" because Batman told Dick to research the two names out of hundreds they somehow decided to concentrate on in Jeremiah's office. By doing so, Nightwing discovers the secret plans with the secret escape tunnels for patients who could pay a hefty fee to use them. That's how he found Zsasz in the sewers.

Meanwhile, Batman escapes Special Punishment because he still has the lockpicks that he keeps in his belly and vomits up when needed. But he also realizes to escape Special Punishment, he has to make his way through a Microwave Hallway! "How can I possibly survive being microwaved for the amount of time it'll take me to crawl through this hallway without setting off any alarms?" Batman thinks before remembering all the fucking trash meals Tim Drake eats every day.

Batman turns himself into a Hot Pocket to survive!

I know! That's not the most logical way to survive being microwaved. Hot Pockets makes those little cardboard pouches to help the meal get crisp. But Batman realizes that if you turn the little cardboard Hot Pocket coffin inside out, it will reflect more of the heat than retain! I think. Maybe he doesn't actually make the Hot Pocket analogy and he's actually using real science that I was too dumb to understand. I was just giggling and yelling at the cat, "Look at Batman! He's a fucking Hot Pocket! Ah ha ha ha ha! What an idiot!"

He actually looks more like Ekuar's friend, Bag of Bones, from Elfquest.

Instead of winding up crispy and mouth-burning delicious, Batman simply emerges with sweaty balls and buttcrack. He manages to find the secret passage in Everard Mallitt's old cell and follows Zsasz into the sewers where he's kicking Nightwing's ass.

Batman and Nightwing barely survive a fight with this nobody with the cool name and cool gimmicks who doesn't make as big of a splash as I was assuming he would back in 1992.

Zsasz appeared in both Batman Begins and Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) as a fucking henchman for mob figures instead of as the great and terrible lone wolf monster he should have been. He's been wasted on the big screen and not really given his due, no matter how much you may have enjoyed Chris Messina portraying him. Of course, for me, Chris Messina's greatest work will always be the therapist in The Boogeyman. I know all of you Stephen King purists are screaming at me right now, "What are you talking about? The therapist was the Boogeyman!" And I just want to say, "Yeah but that was fucking stupid, wasn't it? That was the worst ending to a Stephen King story in the history of all of Stephen King's story endings which are all the worst. Somehow, the movie actually made the short story better! Not great, mind you. But I'll watch The Mindy Project's Danny Castellano in anything he wants to be in. Unfortunately, he has yet to do porn.

Jeremiah Arkham learns that everything he thought he knew in the last few weeks was absolutely fucking wrong when the cops and Gordon show up at his asylum and began telling him what's what. He kind of throws a little temper tantrum even if, while tantruming, he does get one thing right: Batman's fucking crazy.

Jeremiah Arkham loses his mind when Batman forces him stare deeply into Zsasz's eyes.

Earlier in the issue, Jeremiah Arkham explains to Batman that he "can see directly into the heart of madness!" What he means is that he can look at somebody and see exactly how crazy they are and what they need to help them get better, or to pull them out of their current mania, or, in most cases, simply break them using their psychosis as a cudgel. So when Batman forces Jeremiah to look into the eyes of a madman who cannot be broken, who knows nothing of repentance, who simply thrives on killing, Jeremiah's mind cracks. Batman knew what he was doing! He's a monster!

The story ends with Jeremiah, now insane, beginning a new journal of Arkham, probably even crazier than his Uncle Amadeus's journal which was full of time travel and sex stories between Amadeus and a raunchy cowboy with a mutilated face. But he'd burned that journal so people would have to wait until The New 52 to learn about those amazing stories!

The Ranking
A pretty fun and interesting Batman story that, for some reason, didn't guest star Lobo. But setting aside that flaw, this, in 1992, was what I wanted from a Batman title. I wanted Batman lore outside of the current, linear story arcs taking place in the other titles. I just wanted to read coherent stories of Batman with a clean plot and themes that had a definite beginning and nearly definite ending. Obviously I had an expectation of some kind of ambiguity at the end so that the story could have some kind of future impact on Batman's current stories. Here, Alan Grant creates a new piece of fiction in Gotham: a modern Arkham Asylum with a new owner, one just as mad as the occupants (with the added twist that Batman helped make him crazy). Thanks to this beginning, I continued to read this series until, um, Issue #9. That might not seem like a lot but if you've recently seen the cover of Shadow of the Bat #9, you might know why I stopped reading. Don't throw Tim Drake on the cover of my Batman comic book and expect me to thank you for it! Fuck that kid! Um, I mean, you know, not like that. Don't twist my words!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #15 (Third Week of March 2018)

 

E!TACT! #15
Hit Girl #1, Batman and the Signal #2, Justice League #39, Batman: Sins of the Father #1, Damage #2, The Hellblazer #19, Raven: Daughter of Darkness #2, Detective Comics #975, Pickle Boy Comics, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy

How do people with 40+ hour per week jobs get anything done? I work maybe fifteen to twenty hours per week and I can't read all the books I want to read, watch all the television I want to watch, masturbate to all the porn I want to masturbate to, write all the things I want to write, and play the sixty hours worth of video games I always play.

Oh wait. I see the problem. Never mind.


Comic Book Reviews!

Hit-Girl #1
By Millar and Lopez Ortiz

The unexpected and exciting conceit of this comic book is that a young girl has the skill to murder dozens of well-armed and experienced men. To make it even more unbelievable, this takes place in a comic book universe that isn't a comic book universe at all but more like the universe that we believe exists. If it were a superhero universe, the reader would react by yawning and saying, "Seen it." But since it's a regular old universe, the reader gasps in amazement and screams, "Can you believe that this little girl can murder so ruthlessly and efficiently?!" To which the answer should be, "Well, no," followed by the reader throwing the comic book in the garbage can.

If I had written this comic book, leaving all these conceits intact, I would have made Hit-Girl about a set of quintuplets. But they would never attack in force. They would attack one at a time and when one was getting in trouble, she'd duck out and hide while one of her sisters attacked from a new angle. I would also have a few of them die to show how realistic and even more realistic my story was from the one that Millar actually published. The problem with the Millar Universe is that it's supposed to be realistic which simply causes it to seem even more unrealistic than most comic book universes. I'd sooner believe a man could have a skeleton made of a fake nerd metal than I'd believe a tween girl could murder dozens and dozens of well-armed bad guys. Maybe I should reread the part of the story where Hit-Girl's father trained her to such a high degree of skill that the reader thinks, "Oh yeah. That makes sense then."

Now you're probably thinking, "If you have such a problem with the premise of this comic book, why did you buy the sequel?" That question is easy to answer: I love seeing little girls murder people! Which is a good reason to like this book because Hit-Girl loves murdering people. And it's acceptable murder because she only murders non-ambiguously bad people. Although in this issue, she's hired one of those guys to be her sidekick. I don't think that will be a problem because she'll almost certainly murder him by the end.

Hit-Girl #1 Rating: I'm not a huge fan of the art in this issue. The style straddles the line between poorly done mainstream art and flood the markets with as much as you can Manga. So the worst of two worlds combined into one disgusting snack. The story is also a bit flat. It's just Hit-Girl trying to satiate both her bloodlust and her loneliness. For those of you who can't quite wrap your mind around cheering for a murderous little psychopath, this story gives you a bit of an out with a person you can root for: the woman in Colombia who hired Hit-Girl. She's sympathetic because she vocalizes how hard it was to hire a monster as a necessary means to avenge the death of her son in the gang-riddled streets of whatever the capital of Colombia is. Is it Ecuador? Anyway, she's the good person in this story, I guess. Except she hired an assassin so how good can she really be? I bet she gets hers in the end as well.


Batman and the Signal #2
By Snyder, Patrick, Hamner, and Martin

I don't give a fuck about Meadowlark or whatever this not-Robin's name actually is. He hasn't been interesting since he was introduced. Of course I don't remember when that was because he's so not interesting. The most interesting thing about him was that nobody knew what his superhero name was. But that just made things confusing because people would want to talk about how uninteresting he was.

Comic Book Reading Loser: "Hey, how lame is that Duke kid in Batman?"
Cool Comic Book Fan: "You mean Batwing?"
Comic Book Reading Loser: "No. That's Luke. I mean Duke. Batman's sidekick. I think."
Cool Comic Book Fan: "Oh, Robin. There isn't a Robin named Duke."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "I know. The point of Duke is that he isn't allowed to be Robin. But Batman lets him hang out because Batman realized he had a diversity problem in the Bat-Family."
Cool Comic Book Fan: "Oh, is he black? You must be thinking of Batwing."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "No! That's Luke! Christ. Duke was the one from the Futures End story. The Zero Year kid."
Cool Comic Book Fan: "What is Futures End? Year Zero? I must have missed those cartoons."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "The big New 52 event from a few years ago?"
Cool Comic Book Fan: "The New 52? I never heard of that movie."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "It was when DC revamped their entire comic line! How could you not have heard of it?!"
Cool Comic Book Fan: "Oh, I see. I don't read the comics."
Comic Book Reading Loser: "Well, take my word for it. Duke Smith is boring."
Cool Comic Book Fan: "Yeah. I never liked Batwing either."

I didn't mean to write any of that. I didn't even mean to write anything at all about this comic book (which I guess I still haven't so good job, me!). I just wanted to point out that this series is only three issues long. Finally, DC Comics is listening to my advice! Their obsession with six issue long mini-series has been destroying the quality of those series. Most of them have only really had enough story to justify a three issue length arc at most anyway.

Batman and the Signal #2 Rating: When will writers learn that this kind of origin story doesn't work? Just because Snyder and Patrick declare that Duke Thomas is the culmination of thousands of years of planning and is now center of everything happening in Gotham (and probably the universe), it doesn't mean the reader will suddenly find the character interesting. "Oh! So he's super important! That's awesome!" is a thing nobody ever says. They might roll their eyes so hard teenagers everywhere can feel a disturbance in the angst. But nobody but online comic book reviewers who type their reviews with their erect phalluses will ever be impressed by opening a packet of Instant Importance on a dull character. You don't need to make a minority character super powerful or reveal how they're incredibly important to the scheme of everything to drive up their popularity so you can point to your diverse line of other non-Batman, non-Superman, and non-Wonder Woman characters. All you have to do is make them interesting, dum-dums!

Not that I think Superman and Wonder Woman are themselves terribly interesting. Which proves the point that making a character super powerful and important to DC continuity doesn't automatically make them worth reading. But Superman and Wonder Woman have, at times, been quite interesting. Do that more, DC. With all your stupid characters. Or just some of them. Or maybe just one of them at least?


Justice League #39
By Priest, Churchill, and Sollazzo

Speaking of uninteresting characters!

I can't think of a single Cyborg story where the writer pulled me in and made me care about what happens to him. Remember when Marv Wolfman made Cyborg a non-talking, brain-dead pile of spare toaster parts for like five years? That was five years he could have been working on Cyborg's personality! Possibly the only interesting version of Cyborg is from the Teen Titans cartoon and his character is defined mostly by ravenous snacking.

Cyborg is now the leader of the Justice League. DC probably thinks that will make him more popular. But they should remember what happened when Aquaman made Martian Manhunter the leader of the Justice League and dropped Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman. Remember how popular that made Martian Manhunter? So popular that the book was cancelled not long after! I mean, I suppose I should really be laying the blame on Aquaman since he's the idiot who disbanded the Justice League and hired a bunch of non-union scabs to run the show. Also he sucks.

Although bringing up Justice League Detroit just proves my initial premise because the characters in that series (particularly Vibe) were mostly poorly done stereotypes. And none of them (particularly Steel) were even slightly interesting. Although what was to be expected when you allow the most boring member of the Justice League, Aquaman, to pick the new team?!

Justice League #39 Rating: It turns out the Justice League is racist and everybody wants to sue them. Especially that Superman. Fucker ignores all the racial injustice in the world while passing as a white human being. It's disgusting. At least Batman cradles a black baby at one point because he gets it. Or, as a billionaire, he understands photo opportunities better than the rest. I'm sure Jess or Simon would have been less racially careless than the rest of the group (who were only interested in saving white people and white property) but they were pulled away at the last minute by Martian Manhunter who needed the minorities on the Justice League to deal with a sensitive racial crisis at the other end of the universe. He even tried to get Cyborg to come along but Cyborg was all, "I'm the leader now! I can't...wait. Why do you keep yawning and looking at your wrist?"

It is weird that the Justice League decided to save all of the rich white people in Estes Park North when the train carrying every single specific chemical that when mixed will destroy all of humankind everywhere crashed in Estes Park West where all the poor black people live. You would think they would evacuate the people from the west side first. But then you were also probably under the impression that the Justice League wasn't racist. Obviously they are though since they have power and a certain amount of authority. Of course they're going to abuse it to help maintain the status quo. They aren't even conscious they're doing it which is exactly the problem Priest is getting at! I'm sure glad Priest has the balls to deal with the racism problem that's existed in the Justice League for decades. Finally, the Justice League will get some reverse justice, the bastards!

Anyway, I get that this story is commentary on systemic racism and how even the most seemingly right-minded people can fall into simply accepting the way things have always been. I get that. But the Justice League is a fictional group of people in power. They're supposed to be a shining example of who we can be. On my other hand (which totally isn't doing what you think it's doing, you pervert), flawed characters are more interesting and have the potential to tell better morality tales. So Priest is using a team that we all expect to be ideal citizens to show that even the most kind and upstanding members of our community can be blind to their faults. The shining example that we expect from the Justice League will come in the second half of the story where they examine that blindness and take account of their actions. We will see them make a real attempt to be better. And that is the story that Priest believes the audience needs. At one time in my life, I would have scoffed at that. I really did think, at some point in the past, that comic book readers were less likely to be prejudiced and racist assholes. I have no idea why I thought that. We've had plenty of evidence to the contrary to wake me from my naïve stupor. Every time some white male character gets traded out for a minority character, a large percentage of fanboys simply lose their shit. I imagine they'll lose their shit over this story too. And for many of the reasons that I made fun of in my whimsical, facetious tone describing the book in the preceding paragraphs. Also some of those comments were deadly serious because I'm on record as hating comic books where the heroes are being attacked and called out by the people they're supposed to be protecting. But what if they don't realize they're favoring a certain segment of the population with their protection? Which is why Priest is writing this story and why it's arguably necessary.

The main problem here is that I'm not the one to argue its necessity. I'm the jester. I'm the fool. I make dumb jokes. Somebody (perhaps Véronique Emma Houxbois?) will probably write an eloquent essay about this book but it won't be me. Mostly because I'd need to reread it and I always fall asleep reading Cyborg stories.


Batman: Sins of the Father #1
By Gage, Ienco, and Major

This series is based on the Telltale Batman game. I never played it but, working back through the clues in this story, it seems the plot dealt with Thomas Wayne being a monster who worked with Carmine Falcone. Thomas would drive rivals crazy with drugs and stick them in Arkham Asylum. When all of this came to light, it threatened to destroy Wayne Enterprises and the Wayne legacy. The only bright spot left in Bruce's past is that his mother was the one who exposed Thomas's crimes and that she continued her philanthropic and charitable nature throughout.

Most of that premise drives me crazy. Some writer always wants to create some dark twist in a hero's past for easy drama. But I must say, I wasn't expecting this comic book that deals with the aftermath of that story to be truer to the character of Batman than a lot of the canonical Batman comics. In this issue, Bruce is sued by the families hurt by his father's crimes. Instead of letting the board of his company declare bankruptcy, he chooses to settle with everybody harmed and create Wayne Enterprise trusts for their families. He chooses sacrifice to honor his mother while atoning for his father's crimes. And finally, he decides to investigate the matter to find even more victims to help.

While meeting with ex-employees of Arkham that might know something about his father's crimes, one of them is sniped. Bruce dons the Batman costume to save the day and realizes he's chasing the most accurate sniper in the history of everything. In this universe, it's Deadshot's first appearance and in the few panels he appears, he, too, is written more interestingly than he's been written since Ostrander had his hands on him.

Also, Batman has a good working relationship with the Gotham Police. Why the fuck can't this be a regular thing? Oh, I remember why. Because it doesn't create easy drama for lazy writers.

Batman: Sins of the Father #1 Rating: I was pleasantly surprised by this comic book. From the first panel, I was expecting to be bored and already hating it. But it won me over. You know how hard it is to win me over? I mean without giving me Oreos. It's . . . well, you know what? It's probably not as hard as I want it to appear. I'm a fucking pushover, really. This entire comic book could have been terrible but if they had just put in one panel of Lobo looking at the new tattoo of Ambush Bug on Supergirl's bum, I'd be all, "Best comic book I ever read! The greatest of all time! I'm coming in my pants!"


Damage #2
By Daniel, Venditti, Miki, and Morey

I must have gotten brain damage from some event that I've forgotten due to the brain damage. It's the only reason I can come up with for why I purchased the second issue of this comic book. Maybe there was a small part of me that wanted to see the Suicide Squad get their asses kicked. And since none of them ever die in their own series, maybe one of them might die here!

Tony S. Daniel doesn't disappoint his fans by including a two page splash on pages two and three. It always makes for a more exciting comic book even when, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "This is really cutting into how much story I'm getting for my three dollars! Does DC know that I can go to a used book store and buy one or two novel length stories for this same price?!"

Venditti must love this gig. So far he's turned in two scripts that were probably each two pages longs. Both issues were mostly just a bunch of fight scenes. I suppose this one had a call to Damage's mother so the readers can begin to feel some kind of empathy for the monster. "Oh look! He has a mother! Poor thing!"

Damage #2 Ranking: I tried not to think the entire time, "This is just the Hulk or Doomsday!" Instead, I thought the entire time, "This is just the Hulk or Doomsday!" At least I didn't make the same mistake I made with this comic with Sideways by purchasing its second issue. I definitely will not be buying Issue #3 of this which will be eighteen pages of Doomsday fighting Wonder Woman. I mean Hulk fighting Wonder Woman.


The Hellblazer #19
By Seeley, Fabbri, Dalla Vecchia, and Strachan

I was going to read this without commenting and then I saw Tim Seeley was now writing it. My next thought was, "I'll comment on it after I've read it." But then I started to read it and Constantine's slang was the kind of British that comes from an American writer trying to write a British voice but never having really been immersed in the British vocabulary. And then the woman Constantine was saving said she had been going to a "hen party" instead of a "hen do" and I couldn't help myself. I had to put the comic book down and begin typing a rant about the truly most insignificant thing a person reading a comic book could be upset by, especially when "hen party" is almost certainly just as acceptable as "hen do!" What's worse is that the entire time I was thinking, "This art is terrible." But I never feel passionate enough about complaining about the art unless it's so horrendous that it becomes entertaining. Plus a person on Tumblr once read one of my reviews about an artist and said, "I'd love to see how the blogger draws." So now before I critique an artist, I have to think, "Is this better than drawing a stick figure with genitals?" If the answer is yes, I can't offer any criticism.

Looking for that Tumblr quote, I just had to reread dozens of posts where people called me an idiot because too many people in this world are composed primarily of earnestness. They have no ability to discern facetiousness or whimsy or mock anger for effect. I'd like to ask "When did young people get so serious?" but I feel like the answer has something to do with how many of them are getting shot while in school. And I'm not capable of discussing anything seriously so if I bring up school shootings, I'm going to wind up making a terrible joke in super poor taste (although it would probably be really funny).

Being called an idiot dozens of times stemmed from the time I criticized Batwing #12 in my typically over-the-top and angry fashion. That same review ends like this: "Batwing #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ha ha! Look at how much I can bitch and still enjoy reading a comic book! What the fuck is wrong with me?" It's like I provided the argument for all of their criticism before I even knew I would be criticized! Grandmaster Comic Book Reviewer!

By the end, Tim Seeley introduces The Huntress into this book. So when is this book's name going to change back from The Hellblazer to Grayson? I mean Constantine?

The Hellblazer #19 Rating: Who else is sick of this comic book being called "The" Hellblazer?! Maybe next time Constantine's comic book gets rebooted, DC can call it "A Hellblazer." I should submit a script for my version, "On Hellblazer." It won't have any art and will be twenty pages of me discussing how stupid "The Hellblazer" sounds. I guess I should rework the title to "On The Hellblazer."


Raven: Daughter of Darkness #2
By Wolfman, Mhan, and Kindzierski

It's becoming more and more evident that DC Comics treasures loyalty more than quality. Why else do they keep putting out comic books written by people who haven't written a good comic book since before most of the people currently reading comic books were born? I'm not sure Wolfman's written a good comic book since before I was born and I was born in 1971. I haven't read much by Neal Adams but I'll assume that he did some good work after that point because I've heard about the series he and Denny O'Neil wrote about Hal and Oliver's romantic trip across the country. Supposedly it was way ahead of its time because it dealt with gentrification, labor rights, and homosexual three-ways involving a little blue alien.

Raven: Daughter of Darkness #2 Rating: I have no idea what I just read. I mean, I could answer a quiz based on the plot. But I might have a bit of trouble with the essay question asking about the theme. I only purchased this comic book because I can't seem to break the habit of buying terrible comic books just to write about them. But I'm not writing about every individual comic book the way I used to. That means I don't have to purchase Issue #3! Way to solve the absolute least of all of my problems, logic!


Detective Comics #975
By Tynion IV, Martinez, Fernandez, and Anderson

While reading this, I realized that I hate Bruce Wayne's reason for becoming Batman. I hate how politicians and lawmakers constantly try to pass laws that will prevent death and tragedy whenever some single incident blows up the news cycle. They all rush to be the first legislator to introduce a bill declaring that the terrible thing that just happened will never happen again. It's putting on hard hats to survive a coming tsunami. Death and tragedy happen. And of course we should try to prevent those tragedies which are preventable. But when you have legislators instantly deciding to put forth a law to keep one more dog from dying on an airplane while completely ignoring this country's problem with gun violence, how can you not become a cynical son of a bitch? We have a government that has decided that regulations which protect citizens are oppressive if they lower the bottom line for any corporation. Nobody seems to care about the greater good. They only care about themselves.

So how does that relate to Batman? Well, he began his journey just like a bill to stop another dog from dying on an airline. His parents were killed senselessly so he passed the Batman Law to prevent something like that from ever happening again. It's purely selfish. And while I agree that it could be a move to increase the greater good, it seems most Batman writers don't approach it that way. Like Tynion in this issue. Batman is less concerned with the fact that Batwoman probably saved hundreds of lives by killing an out of control Clayface. All Batman cares about is that she broke his rules. Batman has decided to embrace his system more than the reason that system exists. It's to save people.

Sure, he was trying to save Clayface. But why should Clayface's life count more than the hundreds of lives he was endangering? It's definitely possible not killing Clayface wouldn't have resulted in any more deaths. But should Batman take that risk when he's seen Gotham citizens die by the dozens every time some criminal thinks up a plan to irritate Batman? Does Batman think the life of the man who killed his parents shouldn't have been taken if somebody had had a shot to save them?

It's a lot of Monday morning quarterbacking (unless it was Monday Night Football and then it's whatever the day after Monday is morning quarterbacking). But that's the point. Batman gets to judge Batwoman after the fact. She either killed a man or saved hundreds of lives. Batman can't seem to believe that she, in fact, did both.

Detective Comics #975 Rating: I can finally say I enjoyed a comic book written by Tynion. I think he did an admirable job with the voices of the Bat-kids and their takes on Batwoman's actions. I agreed with Red Hood the most which is why I'll be eviscerating myself the second I hit send on this Newsletter.

Pickle Boy Comics!

I have decided to bring back this old feature from the Places & Predators website. It's where my writing assistant and sandwich maker, Pickle Boy, thinks up an idea for a comic and then I draw it. Unfortunately, his first comic for the return of Pickle Boy Comics was too ambiguous for me: "Trump with his arm up the Statue of Liberty's ass up to his elbow screaming, 'MAGA!'" People probably see me as being slightly critical of Trump and I couldn't, with good conscience, draw a comic that portrays him in a decent light. I understand that Pickle Boy's comic might be trying to express a harsh criticism of him in that he's anally fisting America. But isn't it also a good thing if you're into anal fisting? A person who loves anal fisting would see this comic and think I'm pro-Trump! I definitely couldn't live with that. So instead of drawing Pickle Boy's new idea, I'll just reprint my favorite comic we did from the old batch. And by "we," I mean me and Pickle Boy's kid. Pickle Boy didn't really help with this one.

Letters to Me!

KB writes: "Spam again! Will Thunderbird never learn?

I still make "Phil and Dixie" references that nobody gets, which is good, because if they did they'd probably avoid me. Whenever I always encounter one of those "what's wrong with this picture?" things, I always think in terms of, "the knight is chewing gum" and "the knight is wearing polyester underwear".

Phil Foglio did some entertaining work for DC in the 90s too, a "Stanley and his Monster" miniseries and an "Angel and the Ape" miniseries. He did a good job of playing the humor straight: more a matter of absurd situations carried out sensibly rather than pratfall-mongering. For example, as Stanley's monster is actually a demon (!) and gets sent back to hell at one point, the Phantom Stranger shows up to intercede ... but Stanley isn't allowed to talk to strangers, so a John Constantine pastiche has to serve as Stanley's guide.

[LINKS SHOWING THOSE PANELS REMOVED. SORRY!]

My reply: A Phil and Dixie reference? How do I block you from replying?! Actually, I'm just happy somebody probably read the Dragon magazine articles and thought, "Yeah, those are definitely not made up Dragon magazine articles." I should hang the Village of Hommlet poster in my office.

I was once developing a card game where I was beginning with no idea how to play but every card would reference something only Dungeons & Dragons nerds would understand. Here are two of the cards I made for it:

Now I want to go back and read all the Phil and Dixie comics I can find. I'm surprised I never picked up Angel and the Ape (I don't remember Stanley and his Monster). I did read the Myth adventures and remember the Angel and the Ape comic when it was published. I think maybe I was a bit embarrassed to buy it, thinking it would be titillating in a way that the guy ringing up my comics would arch his eyebrow at. It's one of the reasons I stopped reading the Xanth books when the newest one was called The Color of Her Panties.

KB writes again: "My mom was fond of saying 'the unexamined life is not worth living'; it was her way of cutting people down while trying to sound all smarty-pantsier-than-thou. One of my sister's friends eventually had enough of this passive-aggressive sniping and responded with, 'Well the unlived life is not worth examining!' Good job MS, you know who you are."

My reply: I like this story a lot. I would like it even more if MS were a subscriber of this Newsletter.

KB continues: "About white people adopting black kids in sitcoms, let's call that out for what it is: the "enlightened" position that there's nothing inherently wrong with black kids except they usually have the bad luck to be raised by black parents. See also the 'Flash' comics where Wally West was a black teenager who was on the verge of following his inherent criminal instincts until a white man took him under his wing and taught him to love baseball. Verily we live in a post-racial paradise. (You know what would have been a better idea, besides damn near anything? Pre-Flashpoint, the word on Barry Allen was that he was a big fan of jazz and especially Charlie Parker. If they're going to go the route of save-a-black-kid-from-his-blackness, at least do so by introducing him to some black artistic geniuses. Anyway, it was Hal Jordan who was the big dumb baseball fan. This shouldn't be so hard for them to keep track of.)"

My reply: That's a salient point about white people thinking black children need to be saved from their own blackness. I'm trying to think of a way to segue into talking about a show that showed a poor black family in a good and realistic light, Good Times, but I can't figure it out so that was the segue. Remember when they wrote John Amos out of the show by killing him off? As a kid, I really thought the actor died and they just incorporated it into the show. Some part of me continues to believe that because I'm constantly surprised when he pops up somewhere. I didn't really have a father figure in my young life but his character James was always the father I would have liked to have. Even with the temper (perhaps because of the temper?); he radiated fatherhood.

I just watched the episode of Good Times where James brings a gun into the house and Michael hides it from him because of his temper. As the show was ending, I thought, "Did Happy Days ever do a gun episode?!"

KB continues: "I decided to devote one minute of my life to thinking of villainous ways to foil super-speed. Here's what I came up with:

1) Cut off their ability to see: smoke, for example.

2) Set off bombs by remote control, so the speedster can't just grab the bomb and throw it.

3) And the remote control shouldn't be a thing with a bright red button and an "off" switch. Maybe make it voice-activated, and don't tell the speedster that the bomb goes off when you say "avocado".

4) Some sort of weight-sensitive plate that, if the speedster steps off it, a bomb detonates at a remote location. (For extra fun, don't let the speedster know that there are additional sensors to detect him zooming off the pad and back with a mannequin and some cinder blocks.)

Basically, keep the speedster from knowing how to stop the bad guy, and super-speed gets less useful."

My reply: When you write things like this where you spend nearly no time thinking about it (or, subconsciously, you've actually spent the last forty years thinking about this?), it makes me realize even more clearly how terrible so many comic book writers are. Also, do you think it's appropriate to bring up that bomb stuff right now? Too soon, man.

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Unmarked Helicopters by Soul Coughing
This song isn't the one where Soul Coughing takes the escalator to the mezzanine to have some Cinnabon-bon, Cinnabon-bon. It's still pretty good. It's off the album with music "inspired" by The X-Files. Unless The X-Files was inspired by these songs. It might be a chicken and the egg thing since Chris Carter decided to do this album when he heard Nick Cave's "Red Right Hand" while driving through Death Valley at night. That might be an apocryphal tale and probably is on a scale stronger than "might be." It might have been in the liner notes on the CD or it's just something I thought up in a dream. Does it really matter? Reality! What is it, really?! Also in the liner notes was the clue "Nick Cave and the Dirty Three remind you that zero is a number!" I tried listening to track 0 but it didn't work so I just thought the liner note writers were assholes. A year or two later while driving to Iowa with Aaron Coleman, we discussed this album and he said there was indeed a hidden track 0 but that some CD players weren't able to play it. So I've still never heard the song. Which I realize is stupid because the Internet is a thing that exists.
Grade: A.

In Heaven by The Pixies
This is that song from Eraserhead but sung more angrily. Black Francis screaming "In heaven, everything is fine" makes me think maybe he's not being totally honest about heaven. Is that the point of The Pixies' version? Maybe I'm supposed to think, "Dude. You so aren't in heaven." Or maybe Frank has just rendered into song the existential angst that drives some of us to open our bellies in an attempt to remove the taint of reality. That's probably it.
Grade: B+.

Little Dove by Faster Pussycat
This song might be about a guy who gets off on fucking cars. Or maybe the singer is a car that loves making women orgasm through its vibrations? It has the lyrics "Your high heeled river of love is drippin' down your thighs" so it can't be the worst song ever written, right? Or do those lyrics weight it toward being the worst song ever written? Sometimes it's hard to tell with 80s glam rock. Anyway, it's an 80s rock song about sex so it's pretty average.
Grade: C-.

Should I Be Loved by Blue October
I have my own floor cleaning business which means I spend a lot of time alone in closed stores in the middle of the night listening to my Nano. This also means that there exists a ton of security camera footage of me singing at the top of my lungs while buffing or waxing floors. This is one of the songs that I love to sing too loudly. I wish they had it at the Karaoke place I go to but the only Blue October song they have is 18th Floor Balcony and I'm not singing that "danced to it at our wedding" garbage.
Grade: A+.

November Rain by Guns 'n Roses
If you're of a certain age (probably five to ten years younger than I am), you'll remember this as the greatest video you have ever seen. If you're more my age, you'll remember the video as a reminder that the album is never going to come out. I might be remembering that wrong. Perhaps the album came out first. But I do remember seeing Guns 'n Roses on their "Use Your Illusion" tour before the two albums had even been released. It was kind of annoying. But not annoying enough for me to hate this song. This song is fucking cool, man.
Grade: A.

And that's a wrap on this week's newsletter! Goodbye, jerkos

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #14 (Second Week of March 2018)

 

E!TACT! #14
Dark Knights Rising: The Wild Hunt #1, Deadman #4, Michael Cray #5, Suicide Squad #35, Detective Comics #974, Justice League of America #24, Sideways #1, Action Comics #997, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Zero Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy

Thanks to my stupid quarter anniversary issue, I've fallen way behind on my comic book reading! I could probably blame other things like video games and my absent father but I don't want to sound like a whining loser. I want to sound tough and industrious! "I was too busy writing something else to write my opinions on the shittiest of pop culture's offerings!" That was a quote exemplifying the industrious part of the illusion. Here's the quote showing off the tough side: "Fuck everybody! I'll punch them square in their jaws!" Whoa! I wouldn't mess with me!

This would normally be the newsletter where I read eighteen comics in one sitting and offer up a dick joke or two for each book. But the top book on my list is Dark Knights Rising: The Wild Hunt. How the fuck am I not going to write an in-depth explication of a book co-authored by Scott Snyder and Grant Morrison?! Now the bulk of this newsletter will be taken up by this bullshit and I won't be any closer to shortening my stack of unread filth and disappointment! Fuck you, Grant Morrison! I'll punch you square in the jaw!


Dark Knights Rising: The Wild Hunt #1
By Snyder, Morrison, Tynion IV, Williamson, Porter, Jimenez, Mahnke, Mendoza, Hi-Fi, Sanchez, and Quintana

The story begins with Detective Chimp quoting Socrates: "The unexamined life is not worth living." I can see why some people would throw roses into this statement's face but I have a problem with it, in the context of when it was supposedly spoken. If the choice is exile or death, why can't I choose exile without looking like I sold out on all of my principles? Can't I still examine things in exile? Surely the boys I corrupted could check out books for me from the library and bring them to my cave where I spend fifteen hours a day masturbating. Even if they couldn't, isn't masturbating fifteen hours a day better than death? Don't answer that, you prudes! It totally is.

Of course, I'm ignoring the fact that Socrates believed in an afterlife. I suppose if I was positive there was another world after this one, I wouldn't have to wait to be sentenced to death for corrupting the Tumblr youth with my problematic and sexy ideas. These wrists would be gushing blood as I ran about the neighborhood telling the children, "Death is easy! Life is hard! And I'm pretty fucking lazy, so, you know." The afterlife couldn't be any worse than this farce of a capitalist democracy in which I indulge in every creature comfort but still drown in existential angst because I have to pay rent and cook my own meals, could it? Unless the afterlife is worse than a farce of a capitalist democracy and is a farce of a fascist military state! Oh man. Now I'm even more afraid to die than I was five minutes ago (where I was at my peak fear of death. In five minutes, it will probably be a new peak fear of death. That trend should continue right up until I think, "What is that nois....").

Back to Detective Chimp, I don't think Socrates was saying life wasn't worth living unless you were a detective examining crime scenes. I think Dr. Chimp is being a bit flippant about the quote. But then this is Snyder so the quote will probably prove to be important later which is why it had to be uttered now as a non sequitur. I mean, I guess it's not a non sequitur since it's simply the first thing the chimp utters. It's actually the beginning of the story because Detective Chimp is investigating who said the quote and why he can't remember who said it. If only he had access to Wikipedia, this comic book would be over! But chimps aren't allowed to use the computers in the library because they would spend fifteen hours a day masturbating there.

Detective Chimp remembers how he escaped from the circus only to team up with Rex the Wonder Dog. That means I need to reassess who the main writer on this book was. Must be Morrison! You know, because an old comic book character has now been resurrected. Also because I'm finding the story interesting and entertaining!

Rex leads Detective Chimp to the Fountain of Youth which also happens to be the Fountain of Smarts. As soon as Detective Chimp learns to think past the constant rage that makes him want to tear the faces off all the patronizing furless apes he's ever met, he discovers that all cruelty stems from a lack of imagination. I don't know. The Inquisition came up with some pretty imaginative ways to be cruel. He equates a lack of imagination with "anti-music!" That totally sounds like Morrison. I hope that doesn't mean that's the end of his section because then I'm left with reading shit by James Tynion IV and Joshua Williamson. I'm bored just imagining the anti-music those jerks came up with.

It's also possible Morrison got a co-writing credit simply because this story is using so much of his Multiversity shit. I don't know everything! More like I know everything minus X where X is a pretty low number. Unless not knowing things is what makes a person smart! No, no. That makes a person wise! So knowing things that I know I don't know makes me the wisest person of them all. Is that how that works? You know I'm wise because I pretend I'm not? Cause I totally am not wise. Way dumb, me! I mean, am I smart because I know stuff or wise because I don't know stuff? Can nobody ever actually have an 18 Intelligence and 18 Wisdom? Fucking Dungeons & Dragons. Lied to me yet again!

This would probably be the new blog header if I cared about updating the blog.

T.O. Morrow has determined that something cosmic is happening because the immutable laws of physics are changing. To demonstrate this, he uses the most immutable law of physics around: the boiling point of water!

Excuse me while I slam my face through my office window three or four times. Okay, actually just once. I need more windows in here.

Since none of my readers are conservatives, I don't need to explain why I just destroyed my beautiful face out of frustration. Let's just move on.

Detective Chimp has been trying to guide Flash, Raven, and Cyborg to the Hall of Heroes. The team travels in the Ultima Thule while being chased down by all of the Dark Knights. They call themselves The Wild Hunt now. Did they call themselves that prior to this issue? And did I just forget that Flash, Cyborg, and Raven wound up on the Ultima Thule? I guess I must have since this Metal shit has been going on for approximately eight years now.

The Wild Hunt's ship (The Carrier! Did I miss when they stole that from Stormwatch?) runs on a baby universe. Like Rick's ship! The Flash's plan is to free the baby universe which should stop The Carrier and also fix the multiverse with its positive baby universe energy. Also it will allow DC to make a completely new comic book line, hopefully designed by Grant Morrison.

This is why so many writers choose to have Flash fight other speedsters and/or time travelers. Because every conflict would end like this. The problem with writers using that solution is that these three panels are far more interesting and entertaining than a five issue story arc where The Flash can't beat somebody because they're faster than he is right up until the moment The Flash believes he can run faster and thus does and wins.

The only problem with The Flash doing the thing he thinks will save the day is that his doing that thing was part of the plan of the Bat-Joker. In other words, every single thing that has happened was part of a plan that would never actually work because the calculation contains about seventeen million variables. So, in traditional comic book fashion, it makes me happy one moment only to shit all over my happiness, lap up the shit and my happiness, digest it so that my happiness is now intrinsically part of its shit, and then shit it all over me once again.

Flash, Raven, and Cyborg winding up as a team and boarding the Ultima Thule and heading to the Hall of Heroes being directed by Detective Chimp and other super scientists while also being infected by Dark Baby Universe missiles (along with all the other things that had to happen along the way) was the main part of the plan to destroy the Multiverse. I guess I just have to stop thinking that superheroes are smart and just resign myself to the realization that they're all easily manipulated fools. Maybe it's more believable because the bad guys are twenty-eight Batmans.

The end of everything almost happens. But just almost because there is still one more issue of Metal to sell for loads of cash. Coming through to save the day are the super chimps from Earth-53. That's right! You read that correctly! A 53rd EARTH! What an incredible twist! Also that it's the Earth where everybody is a monkey. Also also, they're going to save the multiverse. Ha ha! How funny! A bunch of monkeys saving the day!

The Wild Hunt #1 Rating: It was pretty good! The best Metal book yet! Mostly because it was so closely tied to Multiversity and second mostly because it starred Detective Chimp.


Deadman #4
By Neal Adams

Deadman discovers that he was killed by the League of Assassins in retaliation for his parents killing a bunch of Yeti guarding Nanda Parbat. I think there's more to it than that, like how they were searching for their son Aaron who was given to the League as payment for healing Deadman's mother. Unless I got some of that wrong because my memory of comic books I hated isn't the best.

So is Deadman satisfied with his journey of self-discovery yet? Hopefully not because I still haven't found out why Commissioner Gordon was inspecting Japanese nuclear plants! I'm beginning to think that Neal Adams is just hoping that I'd forget about that part. But Neal Adams doesn't know how stubborn and bitter and hateful I can be.

Boston reveals to the Spectre that his father was lying. Well great! That really means two more issues of this shit! I actually had myself convinced that it was going to end early. What a sap!

Apparently Ra's wants Boston Brand back in Nanda Parbat for some important League of Assassins reasons. There's some other confusing stuff about Aaron Brand that I don't think matters but it probably will matter. Which is disappointing because it's terrible and confusing. I hate this book. Why do I now own four issues of it?

Deadman #4 Rating: Possibly the worst comic book I've ever read after Deadman #1 and Deadman #2. I think Deadman #3 wasn't quite as bad as the others.


Michael Cray #5
By Hill, Ellis, Harris, Vines, Owens, and Kelly

This issue begins with a bunch of New Zealanders sacrificing a woman to Aquaman. She's probably a virgin because that's always the scam. You get a bunch of zealots to proclaim that their god will only be satisfied by a virgin sacrifice so that all the women of the village suddenly loosen their pants-strings.

Male Elder (with throbbing boner) speaking to throng: "Looks like we're going to have a poor harvest, wouldn't you agree, Bob?"
Male Elder named Bob (also with throbbing boner): "Yep. I think we might need to sacrifice five or six virgins this year."
Male Elder gazing at lush farm fields (with boner, of course): "Well, we might do get by with only one if we're lucky, right?"
All the women: "Oh, um, we totally fucked already. Maybe we can just try our luck with hard work and scientific advancements in the agricultural sciences?"
Male Elder standing with hands on his hips and thrusting his pants-tented boner toward the crowd: "Seems awful risky. Nope, I think we need some virgins. And y'all keep saying you've fucked but there's only one way to know for sure."
All the women: *collective sigh*
Male Elder named Bob: "Now who wants to get their name crossed off the list first? Remember, anal counts as doubly devirginizing!"
All the male virgins planning their next Dungeons & Dragons campaigns: "Fucking sluts! Why don't they ever fuck us?! We can't wait to become powerful village politicians running on conservative and traditional values so that our community never evolves and grows and we get our turn to get laid thanks to terrible historical power dynamics!"
The non-virgin male: "Or maybe you could, I don't know, treat the women like actual people?"
All the male virgins: "And risk them getting their hands on the reigns of power? What if they decide 'virgin' can also mean male?! They'll do it, you know! They won't make things better! They'll just make things as bad as we've made things but for us! Don't trust them!"
Non-virgin male eating pussy: "Garble blargle...oh, um, excuse me. Did you say something?"

"'Why her?' She knew this dick wasn't going to suck itself."

I wrote my vignette using the "elder" characters before I got to the part with that elder character because I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Although if I were really serious about being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I should probably better remember the comic books I've read. Although it's not like I claim to be a Grandmaster Comic Book Historian! I'm just good at reading them and guessing where they're headed and pulling out my dick and pissing all over them.

And don't think you can picture my dick in your imagination just because I mentioned it, you pervert! That was just a metaphorical dick standing in for the abuse I heap upon the comic books I waste my money on!

Aquaman doesn't die yet. We'll get to that next issue. And believe me, I'll be buying five copies of it! No wait. Just four. Oh shit. This book is $3.99? Maybe I'll just read it off the rack.

Michael Cray #5 Rating: This book felt like it was going downhill for a few issues (which means most of the issues after I lost my "Green Arrow is going to die!" boner). But I really liked this issue for some reason! "Some reason" is the best you'll get out of me. Other comic book reviewers would be all, "The art was particularly tasty in the way it showed the emotion inherent in the words that were written so well. Plus the letterer did his job so I was able to read it." Then they throw a bunch of dick sucking superlatives across a few closing sentences and rate the thing 9.8 out of 10. But not me! I don't know why I like or dislike things! So I don't bother trying to come up with reasons. I just read the book and then glance at my crotch to see if I liked it or not.


Suicide Squad #35
By Williams, Pansica, Ferreira, and Lucas

Ugh. Williams is back? Not that what's-his-name from the last couple of issues was any better. I wonder how many unread issues of this comic book are being purchased by Harley Quinn fans to prop up the illusion that it's a successful book?

The cover of this issue says, "And their dead shall come for them!" So that means, um, Hack will be back? She's the only member who has died. I don't even consider her an actual member. She wasn't a prisoner. She was just kidnapped from another country's prison and forced to work on the team because Amanda Waller gets to write reality. But Hack put up with it because she wanted to fuck Harley Quinn.

By the way! (Is that a complete sentence? Does this parenthetical reference work? What are grammar?) Is that how reality works? If somebody is in prison in one country and they somehow find themselves in another country through a ridiculous plot device, do they have to be placed in prison in the new country? My guess is that it doesn't work that way because it doesn't even work when somebody is a child rapist in America and they move to France to suddenly not be a child rapist. Or if somebody is a rapist in Sweden, they can move to a broom closet in the basement of an Ecuadorian embassy in London to remain "free."

Anyway, Hack has come back because — as I've noted before — nobody actually dies in the Suicide Squad. Everybody gets to come back. Except Light. Or was it Lime? Who can tell?

Suicide Squad #35 Rating: This book is terrible. I hated myself for buying it. Then I hated myself more for reading it. Then I realized I can't actually hate myself any more than I do when I'm not reading it. So why not keep reading it? Now I hate myself for coming to that conclusion. Why doesn't my mother love me?!


Detective Comics #974
By Tynion IV, Briones, and Passalaqua

This issue is called Knights Fall because Batman fans can't get away from witty writers who won't stop referencing past story arcs to score easy fan points while also showcasing how "night" and "knight" are homonyms that can be cleverly manipulated in the Batman franchise. So immediately after reading the title "Knights Fall," I found myself foaming at the mouth and orgasming involuntarily. If I hadn't already had loads and loads of sex with women that would probably mean I'm not a virgin anymore, right? Although, just to clarify for hypothetical reasons, would I say my first time was with James Tynion IV or Detective Comics?

Batwoman has killed Clayface and now all the Bat-people are angry at her. Batman is all, "You killed a person that was going to kill hundreds of people! How could you?! Now you have a death on your hands when technically, if you hadn't killed him, you wouldn't have hundreds of deaths on your hands! Haven't you read my book, Five Million Excuses For Why Somebody's Death Wasn't Technically My Fault?!" Then Batwoman is all, "I did what any soldier or cop would have been lauded for doing!" And Tim is all, "Fuck soldiers and cops! We're better than soldiers and cops! They're scared sheep who think violence is always the answer!" Batman sort of coughs and adjusts his tie and looks askance at that. Then Cass is all, "Look at me crying, readers! Doesn't your heart just break for me! Boo hoo!"

It's really all quite dramatic! I'm quivering with whatever emotion it is that other people can feel that makes them quiver!

Azrael and Batwing decide to tell Batman sometimes killing works so they get put on leave alongside Batwoman. As if Batman has the power to stop a vigilante from vigilanting. Who died and made him king of Gotham? Oh, that's right! Thomas and Martha!

Thankfully, Tim Drake was visited by a morally corrupt version of himself from the future which enables him to struggle with the actions he wants to take. If he didn't already know he's heading down a dark path, where would the immediate conflict come from?! Boy how I love time travel and alternate timeline story arcs! They make it so much easier to write dramatic character moments! I might miss the subtleties of seeing Tim Drake veer down a darker path due to his present experiences if I hadn't already been told about the dark path! Thanks for telling me how I should feel about each character and their decisions, James! I hate the feeling of ambiguity I'm left with after reading works by great writers.

Meanwhile, Ulysses is working with Brother Eye to bring about the worst DC future possible. I mean, it's not actually worse than the canonical version of DC's future. But I guess it's bad because Tim Drake becomes a menace and a killer? We already knew he would become Harvest anyway so how is this any different?!

Detective Comics #974 Rating: Should comic books only be reviewed by people who enjoy that particular comic book? Does it really mean anything if I say I hate Detective Comics written by James Tynion IV? That's what everybody expects! I suppose it only means something if I say I like it and somebody who loves the series says they hated it. I don't mean the same issue! I just mean...oh, forget it! You probably know what I mean. And if you don't, I can't blame myself for your lack of comprehension. Especially if you've made it this far into the newsletter. You know my writing has no clarity!


Justice League of America #24
By Orlando, Edwards, Henriques, Hi-fi

The Justice League of America saves some day from something terrible happening. Promethea makes an appearance to remind me that I still need to read that series. And then after everything is settled and peace has been made and there's nothing left for anybody to do, Batman shows up to be the leader again. Christ. He's like that one member of the installation crew who only shows up after the truck has been unloaded and then disappears once again when you turn your back, leaving only a whiff of meth smoke in his wake.

Justice League of America #24 Rating: Well, it had Lobo in it. So it was the best comic book I've read this week!


Sideways #1
By Rocafort, DiDio, Jordan, and Brown

You can tell these new Metal-inspired books are crap because they give the artists top billing. I'd say it's an insult to the readership as well, assuming that they believe art tops writing but as we all know, that's mostly true. It must be or else we'd all have our dicks stuck balls deep into The Familiar Part May 5th by the guy who wrote the book about a house. And I meant our metaphorical dicks and our metaphorical balls. Later, I'll say something about our metaphorical vaginas so that nobody feels left out and so that hermaphrodites feel doubly left in.

My Four Hermaphroditic Readers: "I really identified with both of those metaphors while ruining my underpants in two ways!"
Me: "I really don't know anything about hermaphrodites!"
My Tumblr Readers, scrutinizing every word carefully: "They haven't made any semantic mistakes that we can call them out on but my gut tells me they're erasing the transgender community!"

I should be happy that they put Kenneth Rocafort's name first. It saves me time realizing that I'm not interested in this comic book. Yes, I purchased it. But I only did that because I only had about four comics in my pull box that week. So my adult reasoning went something like this: "I'm an idiot with three extra dollars in my stupid pocket! Let me ruin future me's day when he realizes past me (currently present me!) purchased this awful book for him to read! Ha ha! In your face, fatty!"

"Don't worry. My father is used to hearing me scream at myself constantly."

Sideways is a young person in young school who has young friends with young attitudes so that should get the young people reading this young comic written by a sixty year old man.

Sideways' best friend is Ernestine. She's the exact character an old person would come up with after doing a bunch of research on Tumblr if that old person were making a character to connect with the kids. She's got her own unique style that's actually just pop culture camouflage hiding whatever her true personality is. I suppose the true personality is that she loves things so much that she squeeeees. She's the person who feels they have to be the biggest fan of everything to show how perky and different they are. She also wears a tiger skin onesie to school. And just to make sure that the readers understand just how outside of "normal" societal standards she is, she has a twin sister who totally dresses like mainstream America expects teenage girls to dress! She's got the regular pants and the regular shirt and the regular half-jacket and the regular shades on her regular blonde head. She also makes sure to point out that Ernestine's outfit isn't appropriate for school. In other words, she's a Popular. And us comic book reading nerds understand that they're the bad guys!

Sideways, like The Flash, is always late. That's a hilarious character defect for somebody who can be anywhere instantaneously! I bet Dan DiDio chuckled for five minutes thinking up that character trait.

Sideways is a brown boy named Derek who was adopted by an upper middle class white couple. Didn't society agree three decades ago that this was a racist trope? Weren't white people's lust for rescuing the non-whites satiated by Diff'rent Strokes and Webster? I suppose if I wanted to be upbeat with my hot takes on old television shows, I could set forth the theory that the vivacious and culturally eccentric personalities of the young minorities helped save the white people from living boring and mediocre lives in a loveless vacuum! That was the premise of Punky Brewster and that was practically the same show minus the eternally childlike black children from the other shows.

Speaking of terrible comic book tropes that never die (which is what makes them tropes! Geez! Get a dictionary, fatty! (HEY!)), Derek seems to be a boy genius who was about to get an internship with some science firm that had the kind of name that screams "Subsidiary of LexCorp!" His boss was going to be Ms. Dominus so she was probably mutated in the events of Metal as well and will become his nemesis. I probably won't ever know if I was right about this guess because I will not be buying Issue #2. I made that promise to myself when I bought this issue. I was all, "Hey, fatty. You're only getting this one for the schadenfreude. Don't even think about buying a second issue of this crap." I agreed with myself and wiped the tears from my eyes before buying the book. Why was I always so mean to myself?

The issue ends with Sideways announcing himself to the world via YouTube. But as he's doing it, some cosmic entity appears and tells him to stop because he's endangering all time and space. But Sideways is a teenager so he's all, "Who the fuck are you? YOU AREN'T MY FATHER! I mean, I don't think you are. Are you?!"

Sideways #1 Rating: This comic book might fool some people into thinking it's interesting and cool. But actually it's just another book about a teenaged superhero who wants to do whatever the fuck they please. Ostensibly, they usually want to help society. Invariably, they wind up just fighting people who come out of the woodwork to fight them specifically. And this comic book doesn't disappoint in Sideways' first encounter! I won't be getting issue #2 but I hope the person encountering Sideways is all, "Dude. We've seen this before an almost infinite amount of times. The thing you're doing? It breaks universes. You have to stop." And then Sideways will be all, "Stop?! No way! I'm the perky young upstart rebelling against anybody telling me that their are limits to the things I want to do! Fuck you!" Then the alien guy will be all, "I tried to warn you!" And then Sideways will be all "RIFT RIFT RIFT RIFT RIFT RIFT DESTROY THE UNIVERSE!" and the series will end.


Action Comics #997
By Jurgens, Booth, Rapmund, and Dalhouse

Superman with the rare male Boob/Butt Showcase.

I won't burden anybody who isn't reading this with any more of Brett Booth's terrible art or much of Dan Jurgens' terrible writing. Most of this is based on the premise that General Zod didn't get to raise his son because Zod's son was kept in the Phantom Zone. But since time doesn't pass in the Phantom Zone, how could that be? How did Zod's son grow up in the Phantom Zone? Have I been misunderstanding how the Phantom Zone works all this time or does Jurgens just think all comic book readers are morons? Sure, I think that as well! But I also know that they're full of the most useless facts, just ready to ambush Populars with a well-timed "Actually!"

Action Comics #997 Rating: This continues to be a terrible time travel story written by a writer who hasn't had a good idea since 1986 and drawn by an artist who thinks thighs should be, proportionally, thirty times bigger than every other body part. When DC Comics looks back at their history in the far future (and probably the really near future as well), they'll wonder why they chose such a terrible lead-in to their historic Issue #1000. Maybe they realized they already fucked it all up by renumbering Action Comics for The New 52 and just stopped caring.

DC Comics: "Technically this isn't really Issue #1000. Because of The New 52, Savage Dragon has more numerical continuity than all the DC books combined. We fucking suck."
DC Comics Fans: "More Harley Quinn please!"


Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
I still have a lot of comic books I want to write about but I'm approaching 5000 words and that's probably 4500 more than most of you are willing to read each week. Which means you aren't reading these words so why am I writing them? Unless you skipped all the comic book crap because you couldn't wait to hear my expert thoughts on songs that randomly came up on my iTunes.

Public Enemy Service Announcement #2 by Public Enemy
You're probably thinking, "Didn't you already review this in the last E!TACT newsletter?" Unless you weren't thinking that and you're now thinking, "Was that in the last newsletter? I didn't make it past the first five hundred words." Some of you who aren't reading this are probably not thinking but should be thinking, "I should check my spam folder for the last fourteen issues of E!TACT!"

To answer the first imaginary person's question, this is a different Public Enemy service announcement. Based on both of them coming up in two subsequent Grunion Guy's Musical Corners, you might conclude that I only have four albums on my iTunes. Well, I don't! I'm sure I have at least seven.

This announcement starts off boring with Chuck D not letting Flava Flav get a "BOOOOIIIIEEEEE!" in edgewise. But as soon as Chuck D shuts his yap about Black history being something we should celebrate daily, Flava Flav swoops in to rescue the announcement by saying, "Don't be a vulture! Learn your culture!"

Grade: B+


Angel with the Scabbed Wings by Marilyn Manson
This song is off Antichrist Superstar which is an album name that virtually ensured that I would purchase it, even if I hadn't already been told by Howard Stern that I had to like it. The entire album sounds like if a belt sander learned to play guitar while your menopausal aunt screeches about how her husband ruined her life by being a slovenly bore. Luckily, I like the way those things sound together.

This particular song seems to be about an angel with a nasty STD fucking the childbirth potential out of a bunch of virgins. I guess it's one of Manson's autobiographical songs?

iTunes categorizes this song as "alternative" because it doesn't have an "angry at the entire stupid world" genre.

Grade: B


Boy Scoutz in the Hood (Medley) by The Simpsons
The Simpsons aren't really a band which is fine because this isn't really a song. It's mainly a long clip from an episode of the cartoon. There is a bit of a "New York, New York" parody in the middle of the clip but it's not enough to keep from skipping this when it shuffles to the top. I think it made it onto the Songs in the Key of Springfield album because whoever came up Homer's line about weaselling out of things being the thing that separates humans from animals (except the weasel) produced the album. It's not as bad as the clip where Homer reads the ingredients in a jar of peanuts but it's pretty close.

Grade: D+


TV Sucks ("A Fish Called Selma" episode) by The Simpsons
Jesus Christ, iTunes. Every time I do one of these Music Corners, you're going to force me to spend one entire review bitching about your terrible random number generator, aren't you? I get that there is no perfect system for generating random numbers via computer programming. But you could at least spend a little money on product development so that it doesn't pull this shit! Especially since now I have to remember that there is a whole other "song" on this dumb album that's as bad as Homer reading peanut ingredients! At least the Boy Scoutz medley had a little music in it!

Grade: F


The Anarchist by Rush
Hmm. How am I supposed to grade a song that I've never listened to the entire way through? Am I going to have to do that now? I suppose I knew I would give Clockwork Angels an undeserved chance at some point. The main reason I own this album was that Rush put the digital version on sale for ninety-nine cents. I thought, "Well, how can you go wrong at that price?!"

What I learned immediately after was that maybe I should stop asking rhetorical questions that quickly have a long list of answers. The long list of answers for the question "How can you go wrong at that price?" is just a listing of the songs on this album.

The song is seven minutes of prog rock prog rockiness. It has a bunch of changes that actual music reviewers would probably understand and possibly praise. But I just listened to the song and thought five times, "Oh, is this a new song? Oh wait. No. Still The Anarchist."

The album comes with a booklet that apparently adds a short story element to the album. Maybe the reason I've never given this album a chance is that I've never read the story excerpts or listened to the album in the correct order (or at all).

I think maybe this album was just meant for die-hard Rush fans.

Grade: C-


I don't have any space for letters this month! I mean, I do since this is just a virtual newsletter. But I already went way too long and now my record word count of nearly six thousand words is going to set a new bar for my inability to not shut up.

Grunion Guy logging off! Is that a good sign off? What about "Goodbye, jerkos!"? Ooh! I like that better.

Goodbye, jerkos!