Young Heroes in Love #3

Who is "Symbol of Hope"uperman?

I can't get over my astonishment that this title exists. Not that I don't see the market for a a group of superheroes who look hot and love to fuck each other. Look at Legion of Super-heroes. What I find perplexing was that the higher-ups at DC thought naming a comic book Young Heroes in Love was a marketable idea. It ran for 18 issues (plus a Year One Million issue) so somebody at DC sort of knew what they were doing. Eighteen issues isn't setting the world on fire but it's not nothing. I think the font used for the title probably helped sell the idea. It says, "This isn't actually romance, you stupid nerds. It's going to be a lot of fun with loads of sexy bodies doing loads of sexy things!" Plus all the letters look like they're involved in an orgy. Look at how those "O"s are asking for it!

I might be in a weird place tonight where I can't help but see letters having sex with each other. Look at the unabashed portrayal of gay anal sex taking place in the XFL LA Wildcats logo:

Too bad the "L" doesn't have an extra line to provide a reach around for the "A". I fully support these two gay letter lovers. Go Gay Wildcats!

I seriously might get back into football based on this logo alone. Oh, not real football of course! Just the XFL. Their slogan should be, "Are you ready for some sort-of football?" Or what about, "Are you ready for some football but football won't start again for six months? Try us!" Or maybe just the simple yet effective, "The XFL: close enough!"

I wish I could remember why I purchased this comic book back in 1997. My guess is that I loved the look of the animation-like art. Plus I was always looking for more comic books that looked fun rather than grim and serious. It almost certainly had nothing to do with all of the skimpy and tight fitting costumes. I've never really been into spandex outfits like the kind Booster Gold wears. You know the kind! The kind that shows every outline of muscle and hugs both butt cheeks right up the crack but shows nary a hint of cock. I mean, how does that even work?! You know how many tiny flaccid dongs and bulging ball bags I've had to look at during Comic-con because we can't get comic book spandex technology in the real world?! I hate when people use terms like schizophrenia and OCD and PTSD casually but fuck it. I have PTSD from the several San Diego Comic-cons I've been to! You can't tell me my PTSD is any less severe than the PTSD suffered from a soldier blown to shit in Iraq due to an illegal war perpetrated by old white cronies of big oil! So they had to go through years and years of physical therapy and reconstructive surgery! I HAD TO LOOK AT OTHER MENS' TINY BOBBLELOOGS UNDER STRANGELY SHAPED FATTY UPPER PELVIC AREAS!

Now that everybody is on my side with my entirely rational and well-thought out defense of my trauma, let's discuss the sexiness of page one of this issue.

If you didn't consider, even for just a nanosecond, masturbating to this image, you're a monster. Or you're asexual. Did that save me from seeming to think asexuals are monsters or did it just make it worse?

Here's a thought I just had and since I have nowhere else to put it, it gets into the comic book review: Frankenstein's monster was just trying to save Frankenstein from marrying his sister/first cousin. Oh sure, to do that, he kills her. But that's a whole other philosophical debate whether incest is worse than murder. I mean, who can really know which is worse?!

One thing I love to point out is that Victor Frankenstein wanted to fuck his sister. Because somebody inevitably points out that Elizabeth was his step-sister and then I know exactly where the incest line is drawn with those weirdos.

How did I start talking about Frankenstein? Oh yeah! It was when I said asexuals were monsters! I mean, I didn't say that! Why would I say that?! I don't care if somebody doesn't feel the need to have sex. I've had crushes on women like that my whole life! The real monsters are the undead parodies of life which blaspheme the holy word of God created by asexuals in their filthy college dorm rooms.

It's been awhile since I read Frankenstein but Victor does create the monster in his dorm room at college and not in a lab, right? I think I'm remembering that correctly!

This is what's wrong with the Internet (and yet, also, so absolutely right with it. It allows me to digress to my heart's content!): you have to constantly over-explain everything or else somebody is going to get angry at you when they misunderstand something you've written! I mean, sure, plenty of people looked at that first page of Issue #3 and didn't think, "I'm going to touch myself until I explode in sexual pleasure!" They don't even have to be asexual to not have thought that! But I decided to call all of those people who didn't think like I did monsters. It's just the way the world works! But after doing that, I thought, "Well shit. I don't mind calling people who wouldn't jerk off to this image monsters because that's funny and actually satire about how we 'other' people who think differently than us." But then I also thought, "But couldn't this be interpreted as me calling people with no sex drive monsters? That's not fair to them even if it's funny when it's about people with sex drives and rational minds who don't have blood rush to their genitals when they look at cartoon bodies! I should make sure nobody misunderstands that that's what I meant!" But then there's the part of me that decides to make a joke of it all so that it seems like I'm denying that I called asexuals monsters while also keeping it entirely plausible that maybe that's what I was doing!

Anyway, look at Thunderhead's hot ass and Bonfire's perfect boobs and the way Bonfire's legs are crossed and the way the guys are touching the mummy's phallic symbol. This confirms that every mission they go on is a metaphor for sex because why else would they be hanging the mummy's two-handed sword — a huge penis metaphor — in their trophy room?

Fucking hell. I'm only on page one of this stupid comic book and I've already written a short novella! I mean a short novella for the Internet age. Obviously if this were 1971, I'd have to add about 25,000 more words and probably add a few characters who were actually cybernetic creatures.

Wow. Page Two just looked up "subtlety" in the dictionary and tore it out, pissed on it, ate it, shit it out, and burned it.

Was the joke that once they removed subtlety from the dictionary that they couldn't have destroyed it in a subtle way too subtle? Just asking so I can point aggressively at my mom and scream, "See?! They understood the joke, you shrew!"

Back to the smart comic book stuff that is my signature content, is it okay for the Young Heroes to murder a rampaging mummy and then steal his magic sword as a trophy? Monstergirl can turn into a monster so would it be okay for Superman to kill her while in monster form? With all the heroes and villains and sentient beings from other dimensions, why are heroes allowed to kill certain adversaries?! The mummy was speaking like any other person obsessed with Egyptology and weird dialects. Should I have been allowed to kill my opponent at the Magic the Gathering tournament because he kept saying "thy turn" and "your go, my lord" and also he looked like a troglodyte? And nobody would have cared if I just scooped up his Magic collection and went home to hang it on my wall?! If I were part of the press witnessing the Young Heroes' first adventure, I would definitely be asking a lot more questions than the idiots who covered the event in this comic book.

Everybody writes about how this was one of the first DC comic books to depict a gay relationship but nobody ever mentions Bonfire's Adam's apple. Maybe this comic book was even more progressive than we realized!

Junior begins questioning the team's encounter with the mummy. Like how the mummy's name was TotenJaeger the Relentless. Knowing as much German as I do, that name means "Dead from alcohol." Unless it means "Dead Hunter the Relentless" or "The Relentless Hunter of the Dead." I don't know all the German! Just a few things like Ziege and Waschbär and Meerschweinchen. If the mummy had been called "Ziegentasche the Unfillable," I would have totally nailed the translation.

Junior also begins wondering where this mummy came from or if he has a villainous history. Off-ramp thinks the mummy was looking for a woman which aligns with what I thought. That means Off-ramp is the smartest member of the group.

How does nobody start referring to Thunderhead as the "Man of Steal" after this?

I wish I hadn't packed away the Galactic Hero Corps figures I made about two decades ago. The Galactic Hero Corps is the first 'zine I ever published with some friends. One of the characters was named Greased Lightning and I made a figure of him out of an old Wonder Man action figure. Basically I just painted him black and white. He looked a lot like Thunderhead. But I didn't steal the idea because we already had art for Greased Lightning a few years before Young Heroes in Love was published.

In what's visible, you can sort of see how his costume differs. Also we had a mummy on the team. Super Mummy aka Pharaoh Nanotoknonnen. And, yes, I did the art for this issue because our artist flaked. Later we had a couple of new artists work on the 'zine. One of them was Dan Santat, the creator of Disney's The Replacements. His art was the best.

Looking at various pics of Greased Lightning, it's less like Thunderhead than I remembered. I guess I feel better about that?

The Young Heroes sit around talking about the costumes of other heroes for a bit. Then there's a Kool-Aid advertisement that shows Kool-Aid Man in hiking shorts and shoes. So does that mean that every time he broke through some kid's wall, he was fucking naked?! Hopefully that monster is currently in a cell next to Subway's Jared Fogle.

While the team is distracted by the revelation that Kool-Aid Man's penis was apparently visible in all of those old Kool-Aid commercials, the mummy steals back his sword. Hard Drive informs everybody that the mummy and th sword are made from ecotplasm so that explains everything. He's back rampaging on the base though, probably because he's still looking for the Queen Mummy that cucked him into beta status.

The team arrives at the base to find Superman battling the mummy. This causes them to all narrate other people they think of as heroes. It's nice shorthand to realize which characters are total assholes.

We already knew Hard Drive was a slimy turd who forces himself on others with his mind powers so his liking Reagan isn't a surprise. But Dennis Miller, Monstergirl?! Ugh. Now I have to reconsider how much I like that ass. Even in 1997, Dennis Miller was pretty shit. But I think in 1997, Mel Gibson had yet to reveal just how terrible he was. Bonfire gets a pass.

Also, one of Frostbite's heroes is Paul Bunyan? How old is Frostbite? Eight? Other possibly problematic heroes in this list, depending on what you choose to believe: Elvis. Pete Townsend. John Lennon. Mahatma Gandhi. Martin Luther King, Jr. Red Cloud. Michael Jordan. Cesar Chavez. George Patton. William S. Burroughs. Jerry Lee Lewis. Albert Einstein. Arnold Schwarzenegger. JFK. Alexander the Great. King Arthur. So pretty much everybody but Wayne Gretzky. Unless Frostbite was being literal when his thought of his hero as "Wayne Gretsky." I don't know who that is but I'm sure he once scooted too closely to a woman on the subway while putting his hand on her hip and leaning in for a sniff.

I don't want to argue whether or not some of the people listed were not problematic at all! That misses the entire point of me declaring that only Wayne Gretzky is fit to be a hero in this day and age. Also, don't send me articles of terrible things Gretzky has done! I don't want to know!

Frostbite stops the mummy by freezing him and then Hard Drive asks Superman to join the Young Heroes.

Exactly what I'd expect from a Reagan fan!

After this confontation, Hard Drive runs off crying while Monstergirl revels in his misery.

Young Heroes in Love #3 Rating: A. No, seriously. I think this comic book really works well. It's fun and nice to look at (in a non-sexual way! I'm not always a pervert). It has a large group of characters but is able to give them all equal time and space. There's a lot of down time talking which I love because I want to know the characters and their relationship dynamics. The fighting is never that important to me. And when they do get to the battle, they fight a mummy that just looks cool. It's got everything I need in a comic book and I'm already sad that I only have 7 of the 18 issues.

Young Heroes in Love #2

I wonder who's going to fuck the mummy?

My theory is that all of the adventures the Young Heroes will go on will be metaphors for sex. First up, a mummy. Mummy's are obviously phallic symbols because everything is a phallic symbol. Unless it's whatever you call the symbol for a vagina that nobody but Gillian Anderson actually knows. Sure, we could all immediately ask Siri and Siri will be all, "What's your sudden interest in vaginas, virgin?" And then when she gets tired of listening to me...I mean us cry, she'll say, "It's yonic, you stupid baby wanker." So maybe a mummy is a yonic symbol. Mummy is close to mommy and yonis are symbols of motherhood, right? Yonis are used for motherhood and perpetuating the species while phalluses are used to swing in the face of the next guy (as long as the next guy has a tiny phallus. You don't want it to backfire and wind up getting a huge one swung at you!).

Maybe I just can't know what a mummy represents since most mummies come from cultures different than mine and what are the chances I know anything about those cultures?! I can't ask Siri because she always sounds disgusted with me. Stupid judgmental technology. If it doesn't want to hear me jerk off, maybe shut its dumb hearing sensors off some time!

What I'm trying to say is that I don't actually own a Siri. Why would I let that eavesdropping asshole into the privacy of my home?! I already reveal too much willingly on this stupid blog that I was probably cursed by a mummy to write. There has to be an ancient curse of a reason as to why I'm still writing it.

No wait. What I was really trying to say is that maybe I shouldn't jump to any conclusions about what the mummy represents. I should probably read the story first.

This issue begins with Thunderhead blaming his own character flaw on all women.

Just because Thunderhead was too dumb and horny to not jump off of a roof because a beautiful woman asked him to doesn't mean he should blame all women for it.

I understand that people will do stupid things to impress a person they want to fuck. But any time anybody decides to do that stupid thing in the hopes of getting a hand down their pants, they need to understand that the consequences are all theirs. Not the person they're trying to impress. And certainly not everybody who just happens to be the same gender as that person. Thunderhead might as well fall to the ground lamenting, "People named Bonfire." It's still his big dumb thick head and possibly his penis with the same adjectives that are to blame for this stupid decision.

The giant bandaged genitalia monster doesn't attack in the first half of the comic book because this comic book is about young heroes trying to get laid. So a lot of the plot has one character asking another character, "So? Are you two going to fuck?" And then the other character is all, "Ha ha! Um, well, I mean...." And then Hard Drive uses his psychic ability to stop somebody from doing something he doesn't want them to do. It's all about intrigue and young people in tight and skimpy costumes. It might be the best comic book I've ever read!

I feel like this is the kind of comic book a younger me would have been embarrassed to purchase. And yet it was younger me who definitely purchased it and kept purchasing it for nearly a year. And I don't think I stopped reading it based on anything about the comic book. I think I just stopped because I was taking a road trip across the United States and probably forgot about it when scanning the new book racks of strange, new comic book stores.

After all the drama reaches all the right climactic tension points to be resolved at a later date, the Young Heroes head out to fight a mummy attacking an army base.

The mummy is an omen which none of the Young Heroes will probably heed! It's representative of unfaithful love! And maybe a big dick!

The team easily defeats the mummy but give no thought to whatever the mummy was rambling about. I'm pretty sure he was after a queen mummy which we all know from mummy chess is the most powerful mummy. Instead of investigating the army warehouse where the mummy was headed, they give interviews to some reporters who just happened to be at the army base, probably hoping for a big mummy attack to help their careers.

The issue ends with Monstergirl looking at the reader in a way that says, "I'm also hiding some secrets and boy oh boy is Hard Drive going to be sorry! But not until after he fucks me good!"

Young Heroes in Love #2 Rating: A+! This is probably the best comic book I've ever read. I'm not lying. I never lie. I create hyperbolic fictions that somehow speak an innate truth and thus can never be categorized as a lie.

Young Heroes in Love #1

Simon Bisley was busted for drawing a penis in Lobo's musculature but it's okay for Dev Madan to draw this filth?!

Obviously I picked up this comic book because the first word on the cover was sex. Also the drippy post-sex penis bottle. I'm not the only one who sees that and immediately thinks, "Oh yeah. That's a penis going flaccid after sex and leaking the last of its cum shot," right? And the wine glass full of jizz is, well, I've gotten too graphic already! Kids read this blog! Nasty, dirty pervert kids.

What if I really did care about kids reading this blog? What kind of pressure do people put on themselves when they're constantly thinking of the children? Or do people only consider the children when they see somebody else doing something they don't approve of? That feels more like the society I know.

Out in Portland, we currently have billboards for Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Being an adult person without kids and never thinking of children at all in any way (my home is probably the least child safe space on the inner three planets), I never would have thought twice about the title of that musical. But apparently my 11 year old niece asked her mother, "What's an angry inch?" I didn't find out how she explained it but I would have said, "It's a sideways grimace on an eyeless face. Just a little bulge, honey. Now shut up." My point is that it's a complicated, adult world out there and anybody who ever uses the argument, "What about the children?", can go fuck themselves. Besides, you can't hide stuff that you think is inappropriate from kids. The simple act of trying to hide something or expressing disapproval of something to kids will cause the kids to suss out the thing you're keeping from them. Back in 2nd Grade, my class was in the yard flying paper airplanes. Mine was terrible and when it crashed instantly, I yelled, "Mine sucks the big one!" I had no idea that was somehow a dirty phrase until my teacher yelled at me for having said it and punished me by sitting on the bench for the rest of the activity. Sitting on that bench confused, I had plenty of time to work out in my head what could have been so filthy about the thing I said. I had no knowledge of oral sex or sexual pleasure, for that matter, but I'm pretty sure I worked out that "the big one" was probably a penis. Especially since I couldn't imagine why somebody would suck on a penis which must have been why the phrase was used for something terrible. Who would want to suck on a penis? Especially a big one!

It's entirely possible that I didn't completely work that out back then and my memory of the moment has changed through the lens of adult knowledge. But I definitely know that I didn't know what I was saying was wrong until I was punished for saying it. It probably wasn't long after that that I wrote on the sidewalk in front of Peter Martin's house, in pencil, "Fuck Peter Martin." Why? Who the fuck knows?! Do you need a reason to do anything as a kid? Kids are fucking chaotic, man.

If I had to rate this comic book after reading just the first page, I'd give it an A+.

The three characters being introduced on this page are Off-Ramp, Thunderhead, and Monstergirl's ass. I'm super into one of those characters.

These young heroes not yet in love are waiting for more heroes to arrive so that maybe they can fall in love. Also, "fall in love" is probably a euphemism because DC wouldn't let Dan Raspler call this comic book "Young Heroes Sucking Each Other Off and Fingering Buttholes."

The next three members of the team are Hard Drive, Bonfire, and Junior. Hard Drive has telekinetic powers which doesn't match his name so I'm assuming "Hard Drive" has to do with his sexual potency. Bonfire is a woman with fire powers and a skimpy suit. Junior is a teeny tiny guy who maybe has no powers? He's just the size of a mouse. He calls himself "The man of several inches" which is probably a sex joke but not a very good one?

Off-Ramp is a teleporter, Thunderhead has super strength, and Monstergirl turns into a monster. So she's even sexier than I first thought! I'd bang the Loch Ness Monster if it had an ass like that.

Bonfire and Monstergirl rush off to the side to talk about the boys the way all female characters do because that's what females do in real life. At least I think it must be because that's what all female characters do and why would female characters be so different than actual females? That would be incredibly damaging! Just imagine boys growing up reading women written by men if men weren't trying to accurately portray women! Do you realize how that could cause them to objectify women and treat them as lesser beings without any personal agency? I mean if they had any! Obviously they don't because I've been reading women characters written by men my whole life and all they do is talk about what boys they want to smooch. They're so adorable!

The final member of the team: Pierced Erect Nipple Boy!

Frostbite is so gay that Off-Ramp just teleported his dick straight up Frostbite's asshole. Oh yeah, Off-Ramp is gay too, if I remember correctly. I have a terrible memory for comic books but I have a great memory for gay characters due to my letter writing campaigns telling DC Comics they were going to Hell for publishing this filth. "Dear DC," I would say politely before becoming a raving bigot, "I am perplexed as to why you think us macho straight readers would want to read about two gay men doing things to each other that no woman has yet allowed me to do to them. It's terribly upsetting and makes me think being straight is a mistake and a huge waste of my time. Imagine how many times I would have been laid by now if I were gay! Probably a lot because other men are probably a lot like me and want to have sex too with whoever will let them. The trouble is that no women are letting me! Especially the ones I want to let me! And now I have to see Frostbite and Off-Ramp jerking each other off and licking each other's balls and putting things in each other's butts and kissing passionately and falling in love and having a real, intimate connection with another human being. How unfair is that to me, a virgin heterosexual?! Please do not do anymore gay things in your comic book until I have had sex. Although I would not mind seeing Nightwing fuck Deathstork because that would not be gay at all. If it's super hot gay sex, it transcends being gay or straight and becomes gayterosexual. Is that a thing or am I just gay? Please respond!"

After they pick up Frostbite, Monstergirl and Bonfire rush off to prove that they're individuals by engaging in a conversation that doesn't involve which hoobaloo they're going to stick up their thingablob.

Oh wait. Maybe I was thinking of a later scene.

To be fair to whomever it seems I'm not being fair to, Thunderhead and Junior rush off to discuss in which thingablob they're going to stick their hoobaloo.

Hard Drive gets Bonfire alone and uses his psychic powers on her to make her attracted to Thunderhead. It seems ominous, especially since he keeps saying, "For the good of the team," but maybe he's just trying to save her feelings so she doesn't fall for the gay guy. Or maybe he's just afraid if the fire powered woman and the ice powered man have sex, something other than sexual organs is going to explode.

After Hard Drive gives his big speech to rally the troops, he rushes off to fuck Monstergirl.

"Dear DC," my letter began, "I am perplexed as to why you think us virginal comic book readers would want to see two heterosexuals doing things that no woman has yet allowed me to do to them. It's terribly upsetting...".

Young Heroes in Love #1 Rating: A+! Happy Valentines Day!

Aquaman #2

"To the bone!" might not be the best cover copy on a story entitled "Single Wet Female."

In the letter column of last issue, it was mentioned that this issue was going to have a shocking ending. Hopefully it's something other than "Aquaman loses his hand" because I don't think I can find something I know is coming "shocking." Thanks, cover spoiler!

Anybody else remember Caitlin Ryan? If yes, get her out of your head, you stupid prick! She's my eternal crush!

The big shock ending also isn't that Charybdis's girlfriend is named Scylla because that isn't revealed at the end of the comic book nor is it shocking. That's discovered on page two (page one if you're a twelve year old nerd who has read every book on mythology in their elementary school library so when you saw Charybdis's unnamed girlfriend (or sister? (dammit! Now I'm horny!)) on page one, you think, "Oh yeah. That's totally Scylla." Then you start humming The Police's "Ring Around Your Finger").

The death of Garth isn't the shocking ending either because he's saved from the circling sharks by the hottest silhouette I've ever seen.

The silhouette of the nurse on Seinfeld when George's mother is in the hospital is a close second.

Charybdis has captured Aquaman and Dolphin so he can siphon their psychic powers and grow powerful enough to enact his evil master plan.

He's going to fuck the world!

The shocking ending isn't when Charybdis blows Scylla's brains out because he upset that she left him when she died previous to getting her brains blown out. That's shocking but it happens on page 5 and unless I'm willing to stop reading, that's not the shock ending I was promised and which had better not be Aquaman losing his hand. Also, if you didn't follow the initial sentence, it's because I left out the detail that this current Scylla was an actress being paid to play the part of Charybdis's dead girlfriend (and maybe still sister?).

Meanwhile, the sexy silhouette who Garth idiotically thinks might be Tula because Garth apparently forgot how small Tula's breasts are sends Garth off to Charybdis's headquarters. But then she leaves the story because this is a Comics Code Authority comic book and you can only have so many panels of naked women before a bunch of old prudes start frowning your way. Weirdly enough, you can have as many brains blown out as you can draw and everything will be fine.

If the Comics Code Authority knew I want to have sex with that hole, they'd realize their terrible error in judgment.

Charybdis introduces Aquaman to his new pets, a few piranha. Aquaman, not having seen the cover, doesn't realize what's in store for him. Hopefully what's in store for him isn't on the last page because I'm still relying on a really satisfying shocking ending that hasn't been ruined by the cover.

Garth arrives to steal Charybdis's biggest gun and blow Charybdis's undersea headquarters to smithereens. Everybody escapes the destruction and Aquaman chases Charybdis onto land, through the jungle, and at the edge of a river where Aquaman says the absolutely wrong thing.

Dammit! This would be so much more dramatic if the cover hadn't ruined it! Now it's just lousy dramatic irony!

Anyway, the big shock ending is Aquaman's hand being eaten down to the bone by piranhas. It also might be that the piranhas ate Charybdis as well. But since nobody ever cared about that guy, that can't be the shocking ending. Maybe the shocking part is that Dolphin actually says something.

Aquaman #2 Rating: B. Zero Hour happens after this issue so it's basically a coin flip whether or not these first two issues even matter anymore! I suppose I just decided to believe that Aquaman ceased to exist after Zero Hour and I stopped buying the comic.

Aquaman #1

In 1994, Aquaman was reduced to playing at State Fairs with only 1/3 of his original band.

It's as if the cover artist was only told that Aquaman would have long hair in this series three minutes before the cover was due. Or maybe Aquaman's insane hair is simply there to distract from whatever the fuck is going on with his legs. I know he loses a hand in this series but I didn't know he started off missing his left leg below the terribly misshapen thigh.

Don't look so shocked that I own an Aquaman comic book! Think of it more as owning a Peter David comic book. And even Peter David couldn't keep me reading Aquaman because I only have two issues of this series. Cue King Beauregard linking to Ookla the Mok's song, "Arthur Curry," in the Disqus comment section.

It's seems crazy to me that Aquaman has the worst costume of any major DC hero and yet he doesn't wear his underwear on the outside. Think about how unappealing the 1986 camouflage Aquaman suit must have been if editorial decided to go back to this orange and green eyesore?

If I had been editing this comic book in 1994, I would have put this copy on the cover: "This isn't your father's Aquaman! This Aquaman is your father!" How did "long hair on an old guy with a full beard" translate into "Aquaman is super cool now, kids!"?

I probably should just put this comic book back in its protective casing rather than read it since it's one of the few comic books I own that might be worth something. It's definitely in mint condition (or near mint since, you know, I breathed on it), probably because I never actually read it. I don't know for sure that I read it but it is an Aquaman comic book so Vegas is giving pretty shitty odds on my having read it. Unless I mean good odds? Which odds are good and which odds are bad? I would say shitty odds are things like winning one dollar for every five dollars bet. But that just means the odds of winning are good so that probably means they're good odds, right? So maybe read the opposite of what I wrote in that Vegas odds sentence.

"They" have never had a wet dream, apparently.

That previous caption might sound like I've eaten my own semen while having a wet dream but I totally didn't.

That previous sentence might sound like I'm protesting too much but I don't know what that means and, anyway, you tasted your semen during your wet dream!

Aquaman hopes he's dreaming but he can feel and taste and smell and remember and read, so he's pretty sure he's about to die. The way I know I'm dreaming is that when a dream becomes increasingly uncomfortable or horrific, I often think, "You know what? I bet this is just a dream!" And then I wake up. Which is totally a mistake! I need to train my brain to stop waking up once I realize I'm dreaming and start taking control of the dream. Although I'm not sure how enjoyable a dream would be if I were consciously in control of it. Then it's not a realy dream anymore and it just becomes an IMAX daydream. The great thing about dreams is that they're surprising. It's the only way a person can truly surprise themselves. Hallucinogenics help a bit but you're still in some kind of control. I once thought I invented comic books and that Jupiter was following me around a strip club parking lot while on mushrooms but I've never fucked a vampire as the sun rose and turned her to dust while I orgasmed like I've done in my dreams!

Hey, some of my dreams might be problematic or completely gross but I didn't approve them! Like the one where I murdered the old lady so I could live in her house but I didn't want things to seem too suspicious by covering it up so I just propped her corpse up in the corner of the living room. Or the time a friend made me a personalized flavor of Moon Pie called "Murdered Baby's Soul." Dreams are like presidential campaign ads that don't have the candidate saying, "I approve this ad!", at the end of it.

Aquaman was dreaming. Also, he sleeps in a regular bed with sheets and blankets in a cave under the ocean. I would have had him sleeping in a giant clam shell with a manta ray comforter.

Garth visits Aquaman in his cave which isn't full of water so I guess the bed is forgivable. But it doesn't explain why Aquaman was floating over the bed tangled in his sheets. Maybe that will be explained in the post-Zero Hour continuity.

Aquaman hasn't been seen in weeks and hasn't been answering his JL pager (Ha ha! Old technology! So funny!) so Aqualad has gone looking for him. He finds Aquaman sitting in his own filth and coral. He probably heard one too many jokes about speaking with fish and he's had it with topsiders.

Aquacave?! Guess who has Bat-Penis envy!

Garth was worried about Arthur and has come to help him which is why he begins screaming at him and pushing him around. I know being berated and treated like shit is the only way I've ever gotten any kind of breakthroughs in therapy.

Garth and Arthur get in a fight and the art confirms that the cave is definitely filled with water. So that bed really doesn't make any fucking sense at all. At least it confirms that Aquaman isn't possessed by the devil.

After Garth gets his ass kicked, Aquaman begins to feel better and is ready to go on an adventure with Aqualad. Oh, so that was Aqualad's plan! Smart kid whose willing to take a severe beating from a friend just to put a smile on their face. I never would have thought of that. I would have thought, "My friend is really feeling down! I should be empathetic and compassionate while listening to them vent their problems!" But now Peter David has taught me another way. Punch my depressed friends in the face so that they can have a good time fighting back! This is a game changer!

Aqualad is on a military mission for the United States Government. A nuclear submarine has been sunk and it's lying too low on the ocean's bottom for the military to deal with it. For some reason, they think Aquaman, being the water guy, can handle a submarine leaking radioactive material. I'm just going to assume Superman was still dead at this point and Batman's back was still broken. I don't know why Wonder Woman wouldn't have been tasked for this mission unless it's just because the U.S. military is full of sexist jerks.

Aquaman and Aqualad begin to investigate the ship when they're attacked by Lupo the Butcher.

Does Garth die?! That would make this Aquaman series cool!

Murder Chef was the one who requested Aquaman be sent on this mission. If the military didn't acquiesce, he was going to blow the nuclear submarine apart. I knew it was fucking suspicious that the military asked Aquaman for help! Even Aquaman should have known better!

Aquaman is captured by Murder Chef who introduces himself as Charybdis. He wants Aquaman for his life force or something. Previous to capturing Aquaman, he's been draining Dolphin of her life force. I don't know anything about Dolphin except that she had nice nipples in her Who's Who entry. Let me dig it out and show you.

That diver just came in his scuba suit.

Don't be surprised or creeped out that this fact was lurking in my memory. I grew up in the pre-Internet era! You had to find sexually stimulating material wherever you could! And you were fucking grateful for it! This was as great a find as the succubus or the Type V demon in the D&D Monster Manual. Hell, I even jerked off to the Caryatid Columns in Fiend Folio!

Aquaman #1 Rating: B. I might have given this issue an A+ but Dolphin lacked the visible nipples I'm used to her character exhibiting. But this issue still gets a worthy B because Garth was left bleeding in the ocean while the sharks circled. He's totally going to die, right? Although I never purchased Issue #3 so I'm guessing I was disappointed that Garth didn't die. Still, you'd think Aquaman losing his hand (spoiler for next issue!) would have kept me intrigued. I bet in 1994, I read this series and was all, "Fucking Aquaman! Like anybody actually cares about the environment! Fucking virtue signaler! [Sorry I Coined the Term "Manic Pixie Dream Virtue Signaler" in 1994 by Me] His excess of caring makes me love oil and corporations now! It's his fault I'm such a selfish asshole!" Man, I was pretty cool in 1994. Now I'm almost 100% pure virtue signaler! Oh, Aquaman! I judged thee by my youth alone and could not see past your idiotic power to speak with fish to lay my sight upon the wisdom of your passionate defense of our only world!

Eclipso #7

Eclip clippity clip clippity clip clip clipso. Black Diamond dust will rub off when I eat your soul.

As soon as I saw this cover, I realized DC had made a huge mistake. If Ted McKeever had been doing the art since the first issue, this series would have been a huge hit! I mean a huge hit to me. I think less comic book lovers at the time would have expressed a fondness for Ted McKeever's art. They were all jerking themselves off over the wild young artists at Image Comics, many who maybe never took an art class where they had to draw a nude model but also seemed to realize that what comic book fans had been waiting for were faces drawn with lots and lots of lines added in. For years, I thought all the characters in WildC.A.T.S. were either really, really old or really, really dirty.

I grabbed this image off the Internet as an example of that guy's face but I can't stop staring at Titties McSuper Crotch on his right.

A few comic book fans who are real fans (and I won't be replying to comments that suggest I'm gatekeeping because we all know who the real fans of comic books are, don't we, my virginal nerds in dark basements without any friends or family whose most proud possession is an Alpha Time Vault and whose biggest accomplishment is leveling up their magic user enough to cast Level 9 spells) have instantly become disgusted with my suggestion that Ted McKeever's art is somehow superior to Rob Liefeld or early Jim Lee's work. And I'm sure they'll be writing angry and scathing comments after they get done jerking off to Titties McSuper Crotch.

For those who aren't real comic book fans and only believe they're comic book fans so they can fervently scream at anybody on the Internet who might suggest otherwise simply because they don't actually read comic books but you haven't heard how many times they've watched Blade: Trinity, let me scan an example of a Ted McKeever face (minus his version of Titties McSuper Crotch. If you need his version of that, just take a look at my Extremist reviews):

You don't think I know that my theses that McKeever's art is better than early Image art is now on shaky ground?!

I suppose my only defense would be a passionate plea to the jury to keep in mind artistic style and an artist's unique vision while also considering that art isn't necessarily better just because you want to fuck it. I suppose I have to give the crew at Image kudos for producing raw and imperfect images that managed to provoke some kind of reaction in the brain that was akin to blood coursing to one's genitals. Even when I criticize Liefeld or Lee or McFarland, I realize that their art contained a kind of wild exuberance that a lot of younger fans at the time had never seen. A lot of comic art had fallen into a stale and mediocre sameness that made one think comic book arts had become bored and jaded. The guys who would eventually found Image Comics seemed excited to be doing their dream job and that excitement jumped from the page and enthused a whole generation of comic book readers. The reason I didn't give a shit about it was that my aesthetic preferences lay in a different direction. I wasn't upset that more traditional art was being supplanted since I found a lot of it stodgy and devoid of life. I just wasn't into more grit, more muscles, and more "realism" (in quotes because I'm not going all-in with my intellectual bankroll on suggesting that the Image guys could draw realistically); I was into a bit more cartoony style, maybe a little closer to animation, with thicker lines and more expressive faces (more expressive in other ways than just gritting teeth), with Chris Bachalo and Kevin Maguire two of my favorites.

And even though this will completely destroy my defense of Ted McKeever's art but I can't help but be as transparent as possible (unless it comes to saying when I lost my virginity because nobody wants to hear stories about somebody losing it that young!), I wasn't always thrilled with McKeever's art back in the 90s. I think it's like drinking coffee black. When you're young, you just don't appreciate bitterness like you do when you're older and worn out and life's zest lies crumpled on the floor covered in drying jizz. You just can't appreciate some things until life has taken you by the back of the head and screamed, "Oh? You love wonder? You love the excitement of experiencing new things and discovering more of the human mystery of existence? Well have as much as you like!" and then it smashes your face into the puddle of wonder you've made on the floor and rubs until you're choking on it. You're never quite the same after that. It's as if cute and amazing and wonderful don't quite flip the switch in your brain anymore so you need bitterness and pain and the kind of sex where you're not entirely sure you're going to live to see orgasm.

The sad part about the loss of innocence and the death of wonder is how fast it happens in the Internet age. I guarantee there are teenagers who probably have an outlook as bleak as the one it took me forty-five years to develop. Here's to you, my young brothers and sisters drowning in existence!

There wasn't a full moon on February 12th, 1891.

I looked up the full moon fact. I just didn't happen to know it as I was reading this comic book. I didn't spit out my bitter coffee and exclaim "Insolence!" after I read it. The phase of the moon was closer to what is seen on the cover than what is seen on this page. Also, why is the full moon so prominent in all of these issues of Eclipso? I would think the new moon would be more important since that's when an actual eclipse can occur. Or is Eclipso more powerful during a lunar eclipse because that's when things get super dark? Although isn't a lunar eclipse less dark than a night just before the new moon because the moon is hanging out with the sun and there's nothing but stars in the sky for light?

Maybe I just don't understand Eclipso and his stupid moon powers. Maybe the writers don't either since they're the assholes who decided Eclipso's palace, where he'd be safe from the sun, should be located on the dark side of the moon which is anything but safe from sunlight. I hate Eclipso. I'm glad this is the last issue of the series I purchased!

Oh yeah! This is how Eclipso works. The moon is just set dressing!

This is why I was happy to see McKeever doing an issue of Eclipso. His art works quite nicely for a horror comic. Also, that earlier scan of his goofy looking people? I shouldn't have been too harsh on it because that's exactly what British people look like.

This is Eclipso's first time back in the world of men since the gigantic Black Diamond he was encased in was taken back to London and cut into thousands of smaller diamonds. He is only now discovering the extent and limits of his returned powers.

Eclipso goes on a rampage as the judge, discovering that he must first fulfill the vengeful wishes of the person he's possessed before he can move on to his own plots. He also discovers that the sun evicts him from the body and he is returned to the dark side of the moon. He also learns that if he hides from the sun, he can remain in possession of the body. He learns this because he's also possessed Irene Adler. She's a fictional character form the Sherlock Holmes stories but since she's also a character in this Eclipso comic book, she's still fictional. I think it's okay to pretend she's real in a fictional story. I'm certainly not complaining or else I wouldn't constantly rave about Moore's League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Eclipso #7 Rating: B. Ted McKeever's art does most of the work since this issue is basically just a primer for readers unfamiliar with Eclipso's powers and limitations. The moon doesn't come into play at all so I don't know why every issue insists on a full one. Maybe it's because the same writers that think the dark side of the moon is actually dark also think that the only way an eclipse can happen is during a full moon. Because how can a crescent moon block out the entire sun, right?! Ridiculous!

Eclipso #6

How many issues did this run before Giffen just used "The Vengeance of Vengeance"?

It's April 1993. No wait. Cover dates on comic books were always off by about three or four months so that corner stores would leave them on the display racks longer even when most of us losers were buying our comic books at dedicated comic book stores.

January 1993. Twenty-one year old me, totally not a virgin for at least a couple of years by then and maybe more if people I lied to about losing my virginity are reading this rather than strangers on the Internet, was totally not a virgin. That's the end of that story. It's absolutely not fiction. It also has nothing to do with that same guy purchasing this comic book which the prosecutor trying to prove that I was totally still a virgin might present as evidence. "Members of the jury. Would a person whose dick had once been touched by another person waste their time reading this?!" Then they'd whip Eclipso #6 out from behind their back and the members of the jury would gasp, some of them quickly scribbling notes and/or doodles of me not getting my dick touched. Then I'd lean over to whisper in my counsel's ear, "Shouldn't you object to that?!" And my lawyer would look at me perplexed and say, "Look at the judge snickering! He'd totally overrule an objection on those counts, you virgin!" Later, after the judge sentenced me to being laughed at and ridiculed by my peers for my lack of sex, I would mutter between sobs as I fled the courtroom, "I'm going home to play Warhammer!"

None of that really happened. I mean, I did lose my virginity! But even in California, there isn't a court where they put you on trial to determine whether or not you've had sex. Mostly surfers just guess that you haven't and make fun of you no matter how many times you show them pictures of the person who let you do all of those disgusting things to them.

At the end of the last issue, Eclipso had let Bruce, Mona, and The Creeper go. So this issue begins with Eclipso changing his mind and attacking them in the jungle. It makes sense if you think about how Giffen and Fleming have to write a script which depends on certain plot beats to maintain a feeling of chapters from month to month. It doesn't make much sense if you sit down and read the story in one sitting. Except that Bruce explains it to Mona and the readers by saying something like, "It's Eclipso! He loves to play games with people! Especially me!" Ha ha! What a narcissist!

Mona is grabbed by Eclipso and she screams, "Go on without me!" But The Creeper saves her and then he's caught and Mona screams, "We can't go on without him!" She's my perfect woman!

Ha ha! Creeper's levity has already made me forget about all of the children Eclipso killed last issue!

Eclipso chases Mona and Bruce through the jungle, screaming like he's a monster in an EC Comics horror book. It might have been tense and scary to a ten year old in the Fifties but it's not moving this 48 year old's needle in the Year of Your Stupid Lord 2020. I'm even wearing my "Approval is an authoritarian construct" t-shirt in solidarity with that 50s ten year old!

At first I thought the lizard was smoking a cigarette.

Being in the jungle, Bruce, Mona, and The Creeper eventually have to cross a rickety rope bridge over a huge canyon. It's practically mandatory in a jungle adventure. I have my hero, Tom Tropics, traverse four in the first chapter of "Tom Tropics, Missionary Adventurer." I don't want to spoil the exciting surprise but all of them break as he tries to cross them! My agent said it was stupid but I countered with "Oh yeah? By the fourth bridge, I bet you totally didn't think I'd break another one under him!" And my agent was all, "Were there four bridges? I stopped reading after the second one when I noticed the same typo in the text. Did you just cut and paste the scene four times?" I then triple countered with, "You're fired, jerko!"

The bridge breaks on the heroes of this comic book too when they're attacked by bats. Maybe the bridge breaking is too much of a jungle adventure trope. What if I had Tom Tropics cross four bridges and none of them ever break? That would truly surprise the readers! Then maybe Tom will meet a native who speaks English and the native will say, "None of the bridges broke under you? You must truly believe in a powerful god! Please convert me and my tribe to your amazing faith!"

Eventually Bruce and Mona climb out of the chasm and into Brazil, free from Eclipso as the sun rises. The Creeper, on the other hand, plummets into the river at the bottom of the canyon. So he's obviously dead. But if you think they escaped Eclipso, think again, dumb-dumb! Eclipso wanted them to escape so that they'd warn America about the tainted cocaine which would somehow allow Eclipso to rule over Parador without anybody trying to stop him. I didn't try to work out the logic of the plan because I'm a comic book reader. What is logic to me?! I just take whatever the character says at face value and exclaim, "Gee! That was exciting! I can't wait to find out what happens next month!"

Eclipso #6 Rating: C. This month's examination of evil wasn't too thorough. I guess sometimes evil doesn't go balls to the wall with its plans. Sometimes evil just stares out of the window of the mansion of the person it killed and says, "Ah! My plan goes planningly! I will plan more plans when this plan is planned!" Then evil takes a nap.