Teen Titans Spotlight #9: Changeling

I feel like this is the first appearance of the Changeling logo.

Being that the Doom Patrol gets name dropped on the cover, I should probably discuss how Doom Patrol on the DC Universe streaming service may be the best television show of 2019. It's possible that's my nostalgia for the Grant Morrison run of Doom Patrol and how much it meant to me at that time in my life in my early mid-twenties. I also read Catch-22 and Generation X about the same time and they also had a huge impact on me. Maybe I was just at an impressionable age. Or maybe I just happened to read some of the best shit I could have read at exactly the right time in my life. It's hard to say, life being what it is.

I'm currently working my way through Titans which is good but obviously not as good as Doom Patrol. Especially since Dick Grayson's Dick is a mash-up of Jason Todd and Marv Wolfman's Daddy-Issues-Crippled Nightwing. Still, I can't say I wasn't a little bit thrilled during the first episode when Dick Grayson (as Robin, still) bloodily beat to a pulp a bunch of thugs and then, as he vacated the scene, muttered, "Fuck Batman." It's possible that over-the-top bit of angst was what was ultimately missing from Marv's portrayal of the angry young man still haunted by the expectations of the most perfect person in the DC Universe. Marv's Dick was just too thick and juicy. Wait, um, I mean, Marv's Dick was a bit too namby-pamby. "I'll show him!" Dick muttered, pulling the collar of his costume ever higher around the top of his head. "He'll be sorry he didn't treat me like an equal!"

Oh! That was my problem with Marv's Dick Grayson! He wanted to be Batman's equal before he had earned the right to be! I stopped following the character for years because I couldn't stand New Titans Nightwing. But when I got back into comics during The New 52, Dick Grayson quickly became my favorite character. And it was apparent that Batman saw and treated him like a peer. It even felt, at times, like Batman understood Dick Grayson was a better man than he was. And that's why he was so proud of the person Dick had become.

Eventually I stopped liking and reading Dick Grayson because Scott Lobdell got his filthy hands all over him and thought, "I know how to make Dick Grayson interesting! I'll call him Rick!" Ugh. What a fucking fraud Lobdell is.

Hmm, Changeling is giving me that look that says, "Fuck you, asshole! This commentary is supposed to be about me and my comic book!" So maybe I should get to it. Especially since I know Robotman is in it so it'll only be half terrible!

It's as if General Immortus knew that one day Niles Caulder would be just a head! Or, more probably, Grant Morrison fucking remembered this one panel and thought, "I'll turn The Chief into a disembodied head!" Unless it was Rachel Pollack who did that. What am I? The Doom Patrol wiki?

Cliff Steele has just been on another adventure where his body was torn apart. At least I'm assuming it was because whenever he or Red Tornado are in a super hero battle, they usually get torn to pieces. Somebody's got to be and you can't do it to Batman. But Cliff is tired of it and he's ready to retire to a ranch in California. I wonder why Grant Morrison's run didn't take place there?

Cliff and Garfield wind up at the New York Zoo because Garfield wants to fuck the lioness and Cliff wants to buy hot dogs that he can't eat.

Based on the repartee between Robotman and Changeling, I don't think the crowd are the only people to mistake Cliff for Cyborg.

The previous caption was a criticism of the writer, Paul Kupperberg. Was it too subtle? I know it wasn't on the level of Ann Nocenti criticism where I once questioned how she survived the surgery that replaced her brain with Jello pudding but sometimes you need a little subtlety in your life. Like when you want to masturbate but all you have on hand are your sandpaper masturbation gloves.

I don't know if that final sentence had anything to do with subtlety. I think it had more to do with me introducing the public to my new invention! It, um, needs some work.

I first read Changeling's line as "You're obviously a fat." Not because I often misread the fuzzy text of old comic books but because I saw the kid in the first panel and my brain began thinking, "How do I make a hilarious and inoffensive fat joke about this kid?"

I just realized I should mention the writers and artists of these old issues since they're not on the cover. The artist is Dan Jurgens and I already mentioned the writer. I don't know what inkers do so I don't remember who the inker was. And the one thing I've always refused to do in my comic book reviews over the last eight years is to mention the letterer! Mostly because I always hated reading letters from fans who praise the writing and drawing and then offer a throw away line about how easy the typeface was to read thanks to Costanza or whoever! Oh, and I actually really forgot about the colorist until just now! That was Adrienne Roy! Who better to color some kid green than good old Adrienne!

Cliff walks off in a huff when people begin to actually recognize him. He should have thrown in a few "Booyahs" and offered to show off his white noise cannon. Um, wink, wink!

I'm not proficient at flirting.

Before Robotman can find a quiet bathroom stall to wish he could cry in, Mister 104 attacks! I know. You're thinking the same thing I'm thinking, right? What happened to Misters 1-103? Oh, and probably, who the fuck is Mister 104?! But then I'd be disappointed if a Doom Patrol villain showed up and I recognized that villain. Their villains should get a "What the fuck?!" reaction at least ninety percent of the time. That's another thing the television show got right! How many scenes have Crazy Jane shouting "What the fuck?" and then Cliff responds with "What the fuck?" and then Crazy Jane is all "No, fucking seriously! What the fuck?" and then Cliff is all "What the fucking fuck fuck fucking fuck?!" The show uses the F-word a lot!

Luckily Changeling remembers who Mister 104 is and thinks through Mister 104's entire origin for us. It turns out Mister 104 can turn into every known element on the periodic table. He's only Mister 104 because that's how many elements were on the periodic table in 1965 when he first appeared in Doom Patrol #98. Except when he appeared in that issue, he was Mister 103. So either he hadn't looked at a periodic table since 1961 when he first attacked the Doom Patrol in 1965 or Arnold Drake, the original Doom Patrol writer and co-creator, fucked up. Or maybe there was a plot reason for it in the story, like Mister 103 just despised Helium or maybe Superman paid him to never turn into krypton(ite)? Still, this is 1987! He should be Mister 109!

I didn't learn all of that from Changeling's thought bubbles! Some of it I learned because Mister 104 mentions that when he last encountered the Doom Patrol, he was left as "a mass of free floating destabilized atoms" and the editor helpfully noted that took place in Doom Patrol #106. In 1987, I would have just thought, "Oh, okay. Whatever." But in 2019, I can use the Internet to find out all about that issue! Suck it, me in 1987 who didn't learn anything new or helpful in any way and who couldn't pretend like you were super smart and knew all about the periodic table because you didn't have Wikipedia like a stupid idiot! Ha ha!

Apparently Mister 104 appeared in other comic books I've read (like The Doom Patrol vs. Suicide Squad Special) but it's understandable that I don't remember him. Partly because he may have been going by Atomic Man or Atomic Master and also because he's just kind of stupid. But stupid in just the right way that Doom Patrol villains should be stupid!

Don't read this text if you're trying to avoid spoilers for Teen Titans Spotlight #9: Changeling!

It looks like Mister 103 first takes on the name Mister 104 here. But what's odd is that he tells Cliff, "You might remember me: Mister 104!" And Changeling thinks, "That's Mister 104!" I guess Paul Kupperberg couldn't abide the fact that Arnold Drake fucked up and he had to correct him. I bet he was fuming for over twenty years! He probably got a job as a comic book writer simply to fix this mistake from his childhood! But then, I suppose everything can be explained away by simply invoking Crisis on Infinite Earths. That probably changed things somehow.

That's your argument for why you'r going to win this fight?

During the battle, Mister 104 turns into a lot of different chemical compounds, proving that he was indeed a molecular engineer. But Robotman manages to thwart each of his different shapes with punches, proving that nerds just can't win in physical combat. Eventually, Mister 104 sets a fire that traps the fat kid from earlier who didn't have enough sense to get the fuck out of the way.

Interrupting the battle is a scene where Mento plots the downfall of the Teen Titans with the help of his captive, the star of the next issue of Spotlight, Aqualad!

Back to the fight, Changeling saves the kid and drops him off by the hot dog stand. He sees some canisters and the fat kid says, "Those? But that's just soda gas!" Who the fuck calls it soda gas? I lived through 1987 and I don't remember ever saying, "The soda gas in this soda really hits the spot!" Maybe calling it carbonated water or carbon dioxide or carbonation would have given the game away too early!

Changeling appears as a giant ape wielding cans of carbon dioxide to smother Mister 104's flaming fury. And this time instead of transforming into some other element, he's knocked out cold! Way to go, soda gas!

Teen Titans Spotlight #9: Changeling Rating: C+. The entire point of the story was to show that Robotman's estimation of Garfield Logan has grown and that he now sees him as a real hero. I guess the reader is suppose to think, "Yeah! If Robotman can admit that Garfield is now a real hero and not some jerk off jokester who causes more problems than he solves, I should probably think that too!" And since I'm a totally average comic book reader, I'm totally a Garfield Logan fan now! He isn't obnoxious and annoying at all in the way I thought! He's a real hero! Not as big a hero as soda gas but still pretty great!

Teen Titans Spotlight #8: Hawk

Whenever I wield a flamethrower, I like to do a bit of grappling with my enemy first.

I have a theory about Fox Mulder's "I want to believe" poster which I've probably already written about and which other people have probably already written about but which is on my mind because walking through Fred Meyer today while wearing my "I want to believe" t-shirt, a guy said, "Disclosure is coming!" And my response, which I didn't say aloud, was, "You don't understand this shirt's sentiment at all!" Sure, maybe the real poster was done by a person who loved the idea of flying saucers but was too logical and rational to ever believe in them. You know, the kind of person who doesn't simply pretend the things they desire actually exist without proper evidence. There's a subtle distinction in "I want to believe" and "I don't believe." "I don't believe" is inherent in "I want to believe." But "I want to believe" speaks volumes more about the person giving the statement. "I don't believe" is a statement in gray hues without any emotion while "I want to believe" is exploding in color and firmly planted in a sense of longing and sadness. It says the world would be a more interesting place if this thing were true but the desire for that more interesting world cannot hold greater weight than the lack of evidence for that world.

Anyway, Fox Mulder obviously believes in fucking aliens (fucking there is an intensifier and not a verb although I'm fairly sure, based on the show, he also believes in hybrid human-aliens so he must believe in alien fucking). He believes in vampires and werewolves and chupacabras and government conspiracies that, back in the 90s, aren't nearly as far-out as the kinds of things regular people believe in 2019. No, Fox Mulder doesn't "want to believe" in UFOs and such. He wants to believe in God. He has a burning need to believe in God. Because while he thinks for many years that his sister was abducted by aliens or the government, he knew she it was probable that she was dead. And since he didn't believe in the afterlife or ghosts or God, he needed to believe in these other wacky things that he seemed to find evidence for everywhere. But he wouldn't need the X-files at all if he simply could believe in God. He wants to believe so that he can know his sister is in peace. The main thing Mulder can't abide is the non-existence of his little sister.

In other words, The X-Files is all about Mulder's search for God. And it's about Scully's loss of faith over time. Eventually, these statements I'm making about the show don't pan out because later seasons fucked up everything with shows written by people who obviously didn't understand the characters! The X-Files should have ended with the episode where Mulder shot himself in the head. At that point, Scully had been dying of cancer for pretty much most of the season, getting sicker and sicker. And since Mulder and Scully represented the two halves of the human psyche (logical and emotional, male and female, science and faith), the emotional side (Mulder) began to spiral into greater depths of despair and fear as the logical side (Scully) was dying. And Mulder falling so far into despair that he eventually kills himself is just further proof of his needing to believe in something more. Of course he would want to believe in life after death as he puts the gun in his mouth but, even then, he almost certainly didn't.

And that's why I hate when I'm wearing my "I want to believe" shirt and some asshat on the street says, "So just believe!" Fuck you and your inability to get the subtlety, jackass!

Now let's read about The Racist! I mean The Strawman! I mean The Hawk!

And right out of the gate! First fucking panel! Christ, Hank Hall!

This comic book is from 1987 so even though I had a gut feeling that "zipperheads" was super racist, I still had to look it up to make sure. So now my Google search history contains a search for "zipperhead"! Man, I hope I don't get gunned down in a mass shooting over the next few days! Not like anybody will be able to log onto my laptop by guessing my new super racist password!

Visually, I don't like what this panel is implying!

How long did Hank Hall carry that stupid hang glider kit around with him before some editor huffed, "Just give him fucking flight powers already!"?

I love when a comic book introduces a sexy woman and then has the main character instantly refer to her as a "kid." Way to make me feel like a pedo, comic books! I mean, I expect to feel like a pedo when reading Deathstork. But not Teen Titans Spotlight On Colon!

Two soldiers begin following Hank and the Sexy Kid but Hank knows how to deal with them! First he calls them dinks which is weird because how does he know they're a committed couple with no children? And you'll never guess what he does second! Oh, you guessed. Yeah, he punches them in the face.

Ha! I bet Hank is feeling pretty dumb about his dink comment now!

The sexy kid's name is Lupe. She works for the Queen of the Hive whom Hank has traveled to South America to see. She was a huge fan of Hawk's sneaking panel last issue so she wanted a memorable walking away panel of her own.

You would think she's running away because of the violent man comment but really she's just headed to the Jeep. I have no idea why a couple Slendermen make an appearance.

I only included the second panel in the above image to show I wasn't lying like I totally hardly ever do. She really was just heading back to the car.

Hank and Lupe drive into the jungle to meet with Arachnid, the creature composed of billions of other insects. He's waiting to give them a ride on a gigantic tick that's also probably composed of other insects. If these insects have such great powers of transformation, why can't they take the form of a limousine or a helicopter or Heidi Klum? I'm not too impressed.

Arachnid and the giant tick take Hawk and Lupe deep into some jungle ruins to relax before meeting the Queen of the Hive. Relaxing means eating dinner topless and now I regret never having relaxed with anybody in high school. Although after eating, Hank is swarmed with bugs so thankfully that regret only lasted a few seconds. I knew it was a trap, Gabrielle Ruggero! Although now that I'm remembering Gabrielle, how likely would it have been to die from bug bites?! The regret is back!

Lupe drugs Hank so that when she reveals the big surprise (that she's the queen! Surprise!), he'll be too fucked up to remember that she's a kid when he puts his face in her pleasure region.

Hank's main concern isn't that Lupe might be a little young but that he might be sticking his dick in a vagina made from cockroaches. "No homo, dude!" is probably what Hank would say when he learned his cock touched a cockroach.

"She told me she was as ancient as the first life that crawled on Earth" is no excuse for statutory rape. Better play it safe and go jerk off in a bush, Hank!

Queen Lupe tells Hank her life's story which doesn't include any proof that she's older than sixteen. I thought she would be all, "I was born within the buzzing chaos of a hornet's nest!" But instead, she's all, "My whole village was slaughtered and I followed a butterfly to safety where it taught me how to spell and rub my genitals on the soft moss of the river rocks while thinking of someone like you."

Don't worry. She's probably nine hundred and sixty-two here.

The Queen of the Hive didn't just bring Hank Hall all this way to fuck him. She also needs his help defeating a white colonialist named Toxicator. I'm not sure what his power or his plans are but who cares? You don't call yourself Toxicator because you're looking to make the world a better place.

Hank asks Lupe her age one more time and she's all, "Older than you!" So that cinches it and they fuck all night. In the morning, Lupe is all, "Um, I don't mean to be rude but could you get the fuck out of my bed and go defeat the Toxicator already?!" I bet while she was fucking Hank, she was dreaming of a mossy rock by a waterfall. Seriously, Hank doesn't seem the type of guy to care about a woman's needs.

Hank wastes valuable time putting his PVC hang glider together before finally heading off to stop the men ruining the environment. It's not the kind of thing he usually cares about but he got some action out of it and now feels slightly obligated to give a shit. What a hero.

On his way to talk to the lead man behind the deforestation, the rest of the man's crew begins shooting at him. It's a good thing because now he knows he can be as rough as he wants! It would have looked bad if Hank just showed up and started punching a guy in the face without getting his side of things. Maybe the Queen of the Hive just doesn't want the white man discovering her nuclear testing facility!

Apparently nobody on the board of the Comics Code Authority could speak Mexican Spanish.

Just like any good Californian, I've always known the phrase "Chinga tu madre" to mean fuck your mother. I've also never put any thought to the phrase than that. Apparently, it's got a lot more subtlety and nuance that I've been ignorant about. And used in this context, where a guy just yells "Chinga!", I can see why maybe it wouldn't offend (especially to some East Coast editor who didn't grow up with the phrase "chinga tu madre" and was just working from an English-to-Spanish dictionary). Or maybe they just didn't care? I certainly don't! Or maybe the person who reviewed this issue let it go because they were working on The Flash and the memo in the background reads, "Buy The Flash by us guys!"

The Toxicator interrupts Hawk's interrogation of this guy who is probably just a secretary. He looks exactly like the rejected G.I. Joe action figure you'd expect him to look like. He and Hawk talk mercenary trade secrets for a bit until The Toxicator is reminded that he's getting paid a lot of money to protect this deforestation company. At that moment, he shoots Hank in the face with his super-soaker full of what I'm assuming are toxic chemicals.

One of the guard's speeches is translated with a note that it's translated from the Portuguese which is when I realize this is taking place in Brazil. Whoops! That also explains the "chinga" thing although in Portuguese, "chingar" means "to scold." So I don't know if it totally explains it! Sometimes when a guy crashes through my front window causing me to shit my pants, I yell, "Scold!"

I should have know they were in Brazil since the first panel says Hank is landing at an airfield in "Matto Grosso." But since it's spelled incorrectly, I can pretend that I thought it was just a made up place!

Hank's lungs are now full of something called u-cyclotron so he has to escape on the giant tick. To revive, he has to suckle at Lupe's breast. Man, I really wasn't paying enough attention to this comic book in 1987! I could have told Gabrielle that my lungs were full of u-cyclotron and there was only one remedy!

"So, uh ... cough cough ... Gabrielle. Um, I've got a weird ... cough cough ... request?" "Who the fuck are you, nerd?"

Oh yeah. That's totally how that would have went down. My regrets are many but not hitting on Gabrielle Ruggero definitely isn't one of them. You gotta remember your limits!

Hank comes up with a new plan after tripping balls off of Lupe's breast milk. He tells her to gather all the bees together and make sure they drink deeply of her titty juice. Then he has them sting all of the invaders so that they're out of their minds from the hallucinations. At that point, it's just a simple matter of telling them he's God and that they really need to change their ways. Being backwards Brazilian Catholics full of Portuguese and Native superstitions as opposed to logical white oppressors, they're all, "Chinga me! Chinga me, God! Tell me what I've done wrong my entire life and fix it!"

Boom! Problem solved and Hank Hall got laid to boot!

Teen Titans Spotlight #8: Hawk Rating: B+. It's a good thing the writer clarified that Lupe was older than sixteen. I mean, she didn't offer any valid proof or anything. She just said she was! But it's not like a sixteen year old would lie about her age just because she was thirsty for some big super hero dick, right?! Also, she's completely fictional so who fucking cares?! Anyway, it was a decent story that ended rather abruptly and super weirdly (even if I lied about the breast milk which was really just rare pollen used to make healing mead). How can you go wrong with a comic book that shows an ass, uses the slur "zipperhead," and swears in another language?! I bet Comicsgaters hold this comic book up as a triumph of what the medium can produce!

Teen Titans Spotlight #7: Hawk

I finally found Rob Liefeld's reference for drawing guns!

I also could have claimed this was John Romita Jr's reference for drawing guns but I would have expected him to accidentally learn a little something about facial expressions if he had to look at this cover multiple times. But if Rob learned anything more than drawing a gun from this, it's that characters should show as many teeth as possible in every panel.

Is Hawk's superpower being able to shoot a gun? Isn't that a fairly common superpower? Maybe his superpower is being able to shoot guns while having a short torso and high-waisted underpants? Or maybe his superpower is accidentally stepping on the hand of the woman he's rescuing while firing a gun?

I hope I'm using the term "gun" correctly or else I'm going to get a lot of backlash from NRA enthusiasts telling me none of my points are valid because I used the term incorrectly.

"Ha ha! If you think the 'AR' in AR-15 stands for assault rifle then how can you be sure anybody was ever killed by a gun?! Dumb ass!" said the philosophical gun lover all the fucking time. "The world would be a much safer place if more people carried guns," logically argued the smartest gun lover, conveniently forgetting the flashes of white hot anger he was constantly experiencing all the fucking time everywhere he went. If only he could carry his gun around, he probably wouldn't get so angry! "People should take personal responsibility for themselves!" argued the gun lover who was completely against any laws that might make him culpable in a crime where his gun was used because he had failed to keep it secure because that would be tyranny, probably. "Guns don't kill people; Muslims kill people," accidentally thought out loud the gun lover.

Judging by the passion of people who don't mind trading away the lives of thousands of Americans so they can have a gun for recreation and illusory safety, I'm surprised Hawk isn't sporting a huge boner on this cover.

This was the airport in Denver before it was replaced by the Illuminati.

I thought this scene was going to instantly morph into the cover. Stupid airports and their no guns policies! Although this was 1987. Couldn't you bring anything you wanted onto a plane in 1987?! Maybe I'm thinking of flying in the seventies. Once when I was seven, I remember sitting next to a guy flying with fifteen goats and a keg of sulfuric acid while I let the tired Catholic priest seated next to me rest his head in my lap.

Excuse me while I draw a MAGA cap onto Hawk in every panel of this comic book so it reads more like 2019. He's got their philosophy down pat on the first page! "I love everything lefties hate even if I don't know anything about those things! At least I fucking know what the 'AR' in AR-15 stands for! Idiots!"

The only problem with this initial scene is that the anti-nuclear canvasser puts his hands on Hawk and then security proclaims there was no provocation. No wait. I used the phrase "the only problem" wrong because there are multiple problems with this scene. One of the problems, I admit, stems from me reading this in 2019. When I first read the panel with security saying, "Let's go," I didn't read it as security breaking up the fight. I read it in the voice of every fucking kid on Twitch or Mixer ready to escalate some shit. I thought the fight was just getting started! Another problem because I should probably wring out more than one extra problem after saying this scene had more than one problem with it is that the canvasser even continues to argue his point with somebody who threatened to give them a fat lip. He's never going to get any signatures from willing people if he spends all his time arguing with people who are obviously not into his groove. Canvassers need way thicker skin than this guy has! Just say "Have a nice day!" and move on!

I didn't know that stripping down to your underwear was a valid defense for violently going apeshit bananas in public.

It's actually worse than stripping down to his underwear. Hawk actually had to unpack his costume and get into it to prove that he had the right to punch a hippie. Security is all, "Well, since you got the Twinkie product placement in, I guess we have to let you go. But don't go punching anybody who isn't a terrorist from now on, you got me?!"

The Stapleton Airport Security team have ferreted out a plan by "one of these Middle Eastern terrorist gangs" to sabotage the Crow Mountain Nuclear Power Plant. Hawk pulls his mask down and screams, "Not Crow Mountain! Nuclear is my favorite!" The Security Chief says, "Hopefully the guy you punched was actually one of the terrorists because that would make your actions seem less crazy in context later (even if you didn't actually know he was a terrorist) and also make our story seem less bigoted by making the terrorists white guys." Hawk responds, "Why isn't anybody biting my Twinkie? Don't you understand what an imperative is?!"

Now I wish Hawk was a violent, short-fused asshole who was only concerned with proper grammar.

Hawk tells the security guys that he'd love to help kill a few terrorists so call him if some shit goes down. Security is all, "Apparently we can't charge Teen Titans with assault so, um, enjoy your stay! Try not to punch too many Coloradans!" But they seemingly come to their senses when Hawk is out of punching range.

With all these snack references, I suspect the terrorists will be stopped by their love of fruit pies.

Hawk is in Colorado to attend an anti-terrorism seminar at a corporate funded think tank called the Kellogg's Group. Why is this comic book insisting on making my mouth water?! Does it know I'm currently not eating sugar?!

Hawk is the only hero to attend this anti-terrorism seminar because the other Teen Titans, the Justice League, and the Outsiders declined because they didn't want to be seen endorsing any particular group. Infinity Inc. wasn't invited.

Hawk makes a huge splash at the seminar with logical statements and incendiary truth bombs.

Almost got that terrorism sorted! Time for a Ding Dong!

Hawk leaves the meeting to go look at Colorado's natural beauty while fuming about wimps and losers. I'm sympathetic to writer Mike Baron's leftist viewpoints so I'm not going to start calling Hawk "Strawman" during this commentary. But, I mean, he's really quite the caricature of the super-patriotic, support-the-police-at-any-cost, hippies-fucking-suck redneck, isn't he? I probably didn't use dashes correctly in that last sentence but I felt it made it somewhat clearer. For the layman! I know grammar nerds are going all Grammar Hawk on me! "You wimp! You loser! You should be gunned down the Israeli way!"

The National Guard stops by in a helicopter to tell the Kellogg's Corporation that they need to evacuate. The Stapleton Airport Security Guard Detectives were right! Terrorists have captured the Crow Mountain Nuclear Plant! Hawk watches from his idyllic perch on the mountain and thinks more of his profound thoughts.

MAGA!

What the fuck is Hawk toting around in that ginormous case? Is it Mike Brady's architectural designs for a new theme park? Or is it a Banana Splits poster?!

I'm only five pages into this comic book and I don't think I've ever been so entertained. Hawk is fucking nuts. Is every character with "Hawk" in their name a ranting aggressive conservative bastard? Maybe it's characters with "Hawk" in their name or characters whose names begin with "H" and end with "K"? Is that what made Hulk so angry? Was it welfare queens, immigrants, and the estate tax?

Inside Hawk's gigantic tube is the Hawkglider. That's just a hang-glider made from PVC pipe and a re-purposed parachute.

"If you want something done right wing, you've got to do it yourself!" is the original Ayn Rand quote.

Hawk is a big dumb fucker. He might be the anti-Batman. He glides into the power plant to discover a guard unconscious on the ground. In one panel, he notices the guard has an insect bite on his neck. In the next panel, Hawk gets big by an insect and doesn't make any kind of intuitive or logical connection between the two. Instead he just explodes again, calls the bug a wimp and a loser, and rushes inside to kill some terrorists.

For such an angry guy, he sure sneaks comically.

Hawk discovers more guards out cold with bug bites. That makes him think, "More bug bites...what the heck...they should have called Orkin." Immediately followed by this panel:

"Gah! Where's my gun?!"

Hawk needs to stop being so comically angry, conservative, and stupid or I'm going to scan every panel in this issue.

Now I need to add misogy...wait. Is her name "Stupid Broad"?!

Hawk recognizes Stupid Broad because she was with Jerry, the hippie trying to stop nuclear power. She was outside protesting when the terrorists took over and since she had a wrench on her, she thought maybe she could stop them.

Stupid Broad introduces herself as Bonnie so I guess Stupid Broad is her superhero name. Hawk continues to curse the bugs and tells Bonnie to keep her wrench handy. At least he recognizes a superhero team-up when it's happening. How long before he accidentally calls her Dove?

Now I'm imagining Batman hunting The Riddler with some Gotham Police while he mumbles, "Never let it be said that Doctor Wayne's little boy was stupid!"

Christ. I'd forgotten just how long we've been dealing with this whole "leftist media" bullshit. But it fucking worked. The media was so fucking upset that they kept getting called biased that they simply stopped actually reporting on news and just became parrots of right-wing talking points. It's no surprise that I probably have spent more time shitting on journalists and newscasters in these comic book commentaries than I've spent shitting on Republicans. Because the journalists should know better and have instead chosen the easy, cowardly way of avoiding constant criticism.

Hawk continues to ignore the bug situation until a giant Preying Mantis made out of bugs approaches. It calls itself Arachnid and it wants an end to all sort of fun things: nuclear power, the destruction of the rain forest, the use of chemical pesticides, the production of acid rain. It's practically asking for an end to humans! I hope Hawk kills it!

At one point during the confrontation, Bonnie asks about the Arachnid, "What is it?" This is how Hawk responds:

At first I thought he was being controlled by the bug bites. But, no, this is just his standard demeanor.

After Arachnid states its grievances, Bonnie shouts, "Right on!" Hawk yells, "SHUT UP!" Is this the kind of comic books Comicsgaters are dreaming of going back to? Except for the part where the audience understands Hawk is a huge asshole. They probably read this and, every few pages, rush out into the street to find another guy to high five.

Bonnie starts talking about some Frank Herbert book while Hawk asks out loud, "How does a bunch of stupid bugs expect to destroy a nuclear power plant?" Luckily, Arachnid is a helpful bug golem. It's all, "Termites!" Hawk should have saved his Orkin line for this moment!

There's only a few pages left so when do they introduce the Fruit Pie Wizard and his magic wand of fruit pie creation?

Arachnid disappears into some cracks while the nuclear plants alarms go off, warning of an imminent meltdown. Hawk's plan is to randomly throw switches hoping to get lucky enough to stop the meltdown. Bonnie's plan is to look disaster in the face and find the silver lining.

So every thing he said up until this point was supposed to be encouraging and complimentary?!

Before Hawk can start throwing switches and writer Mike Baron has to do some actual research on what effect that might have on a nuclear power plant beginning to meltdown, Hawk notices an organ in the control room. Hawk's new plan is to hook the organ up to the PA system, play some screechingly high notes, and drive the bugs away! If this works, lawmakers will probably introduce a bill to put organs into every public space, just in case of another terrorist attack by insects.

Hawk's plan works and the police thank him for saving Colorado. Then they immediately turn on Bonnie and threaten to arrest her for trespassing. She doesn't strip down to her underwear to prove she's a Teen Titan though, darn it. Instead, Hawk uses his pull as a Titan to get her off the hook. The cop doesn't appreciate it but what can he do? This is Teen Titans Spotlight On: Hawk, not Teen Titans Spotlight On: Podunk Denver Police Officer.

Later, Hawk returns to the anti-terrorism seminar and basically proposes organs in every public place. What a fucking douche.

The issue ends with Arachnid extending an invitation to Hawk to meet with its queen to discuss negotiations of peace with the insect kingdom. Or maybe it's just Queen Bee behind this all and she's in some serious need for an angry fuck.

Teen Titans Spotlight #7: Hawk Rating: B+. Fuck, I was entertained. No wonder all these assholes love Fox news. It's fun having people tell you that what you think is right and confirming your beliefs that the people who think differently are angry fucking dumbies.

Teen Titans Spotlight #6: Jericho

Who are all the chubby children? The Quraci Newskids Legion?

I'm so angry about having to read a fourth Jericho comic book that I'm going to invent time travel so I can go back in time and punch my teenage self in the face. "This was your favorite Titan?!" I'd scream in his zitty face. "You're never going to get laid! I should know!" Then I'd...hey! I remember that happening! I kept wondering, "Who is this fat fuck and why does he care about my love of fashion and facial hair?!" Then I cried for a bit while mumbling, "I'm never going to get laid? You're never going to get laid!" I guess I was right!

I realize I'm utilizing time travel incorrectly. I should be going back in time and convincing Marv Wolfman not to do a four issue story arc about Jericho. Or killing his mother. But, really, what did she do? She got pregnant and now I have to suffer through reading a Jericho comic book for ten minutes. The retaliation might be a little disproportionate. I should kill Marv's father too!

Forget going back in time to kill Baby Hitler. How many people would go back in time to abort Baby Hitler? That's the more interesting philosophical conundrum. Some people would want to go back in time to get Hitler's mother pregnant before Papa Hitler got her pregnant but that's just asking for the person to realize that they're sperm is evil and they always fathered stupid Baby Hitler. Maybe I'd go back in time and step on whatever the fuck sprang to life in the Primordial Ooze. Just get the whole fucking thing over with.

This issue is called "Conflagration" which is an anagram of "con flag ration."

If Joseph is lucky, Penny is totally hot for her father.

Arthur and Penny's plan is to destroy Qurac and replace it with a H.I.V.E. franchise. If I were Jericho, I wouldn't bother stopping them until after they destroyed Qurac. And I wouldn't feel bad about civilian casualties because according to DC's Who's Who, every single person living in Qurac is a vile terrorist. It makes it easier for writers to avoid political pitfalls! You don't just want kids in America thinking, "Fuck those Quracis! What devils!" You also want your Middle Eastern audience to be all, "Fuck those Quracis! What devils!" And since Qurac doesn't actually exist, you aren't losing any money from Quracis offended by their portrayal!

Curt finishes telling Addie everything he knows even though I thought he already did that back when Joseph was still alive (wink, wink!). Adeline discovers that Lord is on his way to destroy Qurac so she rushes off to help. That leaves Curt alone to star in a wacky one page story that should probably end with fruit pies.

Apparently Marv's script was one page short and he needed to add some filler.

On the way to bomb Qurac, Penny's father regains consciousness and says those words that always make me giggle: "Penny, he's inside me!" Penny answers, "What?! Why didn't you use the warm potato salad trick?!" Penny realizes the only thing she can do is shoot her father in the head. I would probably try bluffing first but then I'm not H.I.V.E. material for a reason. But before Penny can pull the trigger, Joseph makes me laugh again:

Who forgot the potato salad now?

To save the capital of Quarc which is I have no idea, Jericho switches back into Arthur (and of course Arthur screams, "He's inside me again!") so he can attack Arthur's squadron of helicopters. Joey fails to blow up all the other helicopters so he just ejects the gas in Arthur's copter and bails out of the helicopter to hide inside some children. None of the children say, "He's inside of me!", because that would be inappropriate.

Lord's helicopters begin destroying the Quraci buildings and even the narrator doesn't give a fuck about all the innocent deaths.

Because there are no innocents in Qurac!

Once again, Arthur and Jericho face off in hand to hand combat. Arthur tells Jericho, "I've beaten you once, son. I'll do it again!" Apparently Arthur doesn't quite remember his last fight with Jericho. To be fair, he was unconscious for the end of it.

The fight ends when Penny shoots her father thinking that she'll somehow kill Jericho while he's still in the body. Maybe she's not as stupid as this moment makes her out to be. Maybe she secretly loved Joseph this entire time and was just waiting for the chance to kill her father!

Nope. Just stupid. And really fucking angry!

Arthur Lord manages to survive but he's left crippled. And Jericho returns to making lewd signs.

"I fuck butts now. I'm gay for cock."

Teen Titans Spotlight #6: Jericho Rating: B. I liked Jericho when I was younger because it was odd to see a sensitive hero who tried his best to resort to pacifism. Not wholly against physical violence when he had to engage in it but he definitely used his powers to try to deescalate situations. That seemed heroic to me when I was younger. And dumber, apparently, because I think comic book fandom is about loving huge fist fights! I'm totally getting on board that train now. Whoo whoo! No wonder so many people hated Tom King's run of Batman. What is the point of Batman if he's not breaking jaws and cracking skulls?!

Teen Titans Spotlight #5: Jericho

Princess of Gemworld

This meek, sensitive, golden boy has finally been pushed too far, dammit! Look out because he'll possess your body and make you do embarrassing things in front of your loved ones! He'll absolutely humiliate the fuck out of you!

Come on, DC! Nobody is taking this dandy seriously! Puffy sleeves. Draped cape. Purple vest. Spandex pants. He's practically the epitome of Prince Adam and who the fuck was afraid of him?! Oh wait! I know the answer to that! It was Cringer! Cringer was afraid of Prince Adam!

It's weird to think He-man became manlier when he took off most of his clothes to run around in Ugg boots, a fur loincloth, and armored suspenders. That entire show was a gay power fantasy, wasn't it?! Whoever developed it was all, "G.I. Joe is a big hit with all the kids and it's kind of gay, right? I'm not the only one who thinks Shipwreck has blown Roadblock, am I? Anyway, what if we make a super duper gay cartoon?!" I got into He-man before the cartoon because the Skeletor action figure reminded me of the Conan book I was reading at the time. Which must mean Conan the Barbarian is the gateway to homosexuality. What's weird is I'm probably just having a laugh (not at the expense of homosexuals! At the expense of, I don't know, something else!) but I bet there are plenty of thesis papers out there detailing the homoerotic nature of fantasy pulp fiction and its ensuant offshoots. With Conan at the forefront, of course!

Did using the word ensuant make my discussion sound scholarly enough to distract people from the possibility that I might have made (but didn't!) some jokes in poor taste? I hope I used it right!

At the end of Issue #2, following the letters page ramblings, Mike Gold (or whoever was writing the end column at the time) mentioned that Issue #3 would be the start of a three part Jericho story. So imagine how angry I am right at this moment after having picked up Issue #5 from the stack (which is the third Jericho issue) to see that Issue #6 was also a fucking Jericho issue! Are you fucking kidding me?! Who needs a four part story about this asshole whose mind we're never in because Marv Wolfman uses omniscient narrators instead of the modern first person narration and who never fucking says anything! Okay, he says one or two things per issue using sign language. But that's practically like not saying anything because I'm a big dope who thinks every sign is dirty!

But in 1986, Jericho was, for some fucking insane reason, my favorite Teen Titan. I said "some fucking insane reason" as if I don't know what the reason was. Well, I do and I'm going to regret telling you about it in the next sentence. I fucking loved the way he looked. Are you happy now? I admitted it! I love everything about this dandy motherfucker! Look at that sharp vest! And the sparkling belt! And the fucking pink boots! And those sideburns! I've probably spent more than half my life with big bushy sideburns which I almost certainly owe to loving the fuck out of this clown for so many years!

The issue begins with a serious crime being committed.

How will he not know when he finds his fingers have been Crazy Glued to his cock?

With Jericho's powers, I don't know why he needs Garfield's fingerprints. Why not just possess Steve Dayton himself, knock him out so he can't scream for help, and just walk in to grab the promethium? Or hire his dad to get the shit! He could probably guilt Deathstork into doing loads of illegal stuff for him.

Why would Steve Dayton allow Garfield Logan access to his promethium?! Yeah, I fucking know Logan's his son. It still doesn't fucking make sense!

Jericho takes the promethium back to Arthur Lord so he can trade it to the Quraci government and save his daughter's life. But it's only after Lord leaves Addie's place with the promethium that she says to Jericho, "I think we just got scammed!"

Jericho responds, "I think you're a loser."

Sure enough, Penny and Arthur were just using Joey and his mom to get their hands on the most destructive non-Lobo thing in the DC Universe. Penny is all, "That dupe actually thought I loved him! But we didn't even fuck! I just held a tin of microwaved potato salad between my legs and let him fuck that." That's what sex feels like, right? Fucking warm potato salad? I mean, I totally know that's what it's like. I hope!

I mean, I don't hope it feels like that in that I love the feeling of fucking warm potato salad! I hope that's what it feels like so people who have fucked don't think I haven't fucked because I described it poorly. We all have different experiences anyway! You can't invalidate my description of what it felt like when I totally had sex all those times!

Joseph, being the biggest dupe of them all, didn't replace the promethium tablets with Sugar Mamas like I would have expected him to do. So now he and his mother have to break into Arthur Lord's secret laboratory and resteal the promethium tablets! If only they had consulted Nightwing, they could have been done with this adventure already. He would have been all, "Man, Joey, you smell like potato salad ! Did you fall for the fake lover with the potato salad between her legs trick? You better not trust her, buddy!"

Oh, I was wrong! They don't break into Lord's place at all! They think their smartest move is to break into Qurac and kidnap Curt, Penny's husband! I guess they can use him as leverage. Although couldn't Joey have lifted Penny's fingerprints off of his prostate to gain access to the secret lab?

If Joey had the ability to sneak into Qurac to rescue Penny without risking the entire world by giving Qurac promethium, why the fuck wasn't that the plan from the beginning?! I'm starting to sense that maybe Marv Wolfman was on Quaaludes when he wrote this script.

That would be Joey's crotch.

There's an advert for NBC's Saturday morning line-up in this issue and it just makes me wonder: if modern conservatives are so pissed off about everything in our culture that they see as emasculating the kind of man they think every guy should be, where the fuck were they in 1986 while I was watching Kissyfur, The Gummi Bears, Smurfs, Punky Brewster, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Foofur, and Kidd Video?! The most manly cartoon in that list is Alvin and the Chipmunks and they wore dresses!

Stop doing the math and trying to point out that I was fourteen or fifteen in 1986! Gummi Bears had one of the best cartoon theme songs (right after Ducktales)! I'm going to go listen to it right now!

Joey and Adeline take Curt to Tokyo where they finally begin interrogating him. Even though he spent multiple days being tortured by the Quraci government, he wouldn't tell them a thing. He spends two minutes alone with Adeline and Joseph and he begins spilling the beans. The only threat they used was that Joey was going to put himself inside hi...oh. I see what he's afraid of! Dude, it's nothing to be frightened of! Just relax, man! Joseph's a sensitive poet. He'll definitely provide a reach-around.

Joseph infiltrates Lord's secret base and discovers he's resurrecting H.I.V.E. (which stands for Hierarchy of International Vengeance and Extermination which is fucking stupid. Just spitballing for a few seconds and I already came up with a better one: Higher Institute of Violent Extremism!). Joseph's movements are described as catlike which is why he's noticed freaking the fuck out, bouncing off walls, and yowling at the top of his voice. Arthur Lord, leader of an organization full of soldiers who are only in the organization because they killed a bunch of other master fighters, decides to fight Joseph himself. His mighty warriors (the best of the best!) just stand around in robes watching.

What good is your invaluable edge if you're not going to use it?! Kill the little creep, you idiot!

Arthur Lord tackles Joseph straight through a wall where they both disappear from view. Then he emerges and he's all, "He's dead! And since Joseph can't control the host's talking, I must be myself and telling the truth! Ha ha ha!" But I know better! Remember how I already saw there's another issue in this stupid story arc? Joseph is totally still alive! And probably possessing Arthur! And probably able to speak because Arthur was knocked unconscious! Pshaw! Marv Wolfman, you need better twists!

Arthur and H.I.V.E. take off from their secret base to go take over the world. And they won't need the base anymore for some reason, so they just blow up the island on the way out. Ugh, he's the worst kind of tenant.

Teen Titans Spotlight #5: Jericho Rating: B-. So much betrayal! So many twists and turns! Not much fucking though. Which makes it a mediocre Teen Titans story. And yes, the B- factors in the fact that this whole conflict is, once again, somehow driven by family.

Teen Titans Spotlight #4: Jericho

Jericho is from Gemworld, isn't he?

As a person who has wasted forty years of his life reading comic books, I think I know enough about Jericho to declare his powers aren't going to save Penny in this situation. If the people with the guns want to kill her, she's dead as soon as he enters somebody else's head. Unless...let me check Jericho's Who's Who entry! Nope, it doesn't say that somebody holding onto his cock goes with him into his opponent's mind.

When we last left Jericho, he was practically naked discovering that the woman he loved at, I don't know, fourteen? fifteen? was still alive.

Do comic book artists know how penises work? Jericho had better only be drawn from the waist up in subsequent panels.

Some people might think Jericho should be mad because Penny didn't let him know she was alive. But if I were Jericho, I would just be thinking about all of the fucking I was about to do. Humans are weird, right? How many people, after discovering that the person you love is actually alive and well, would ruin that shit by pouting and being upset and selfishly thinking only about how they had been abandoned?! I mean, it's almost a miracle! A person you thought was dead isn't! How can you not be ecstatic about it?! Plus the imminent fucking!

Penny had better hope there aren't any signs in sign language for "You hurt me!" and "How could you do this to me?" and "Two years? I get to put it in your ass, right?!"

I dislike making "women need added incentive to put a penis in their butt" jokes because have you met women? They're filthy dirty perverts! But I figured Joey, being the sensitive type, never really attempted anal with Penny. But I bet some of his poetry was totally about doing anal.

The Snail

Taut antenna gently poking;
Slimy trail drips behind.
Ever slowly, slight withdrawing.
Hides its head so deep inside.

Joey acts happy that Penny is back. Right up until he tries to fuck her and she's all, "No, no! I'm married now! Alas!" But then she explains that her husband has been kidnapped and Joey's spirits rise once again! Maybe he'll be killed! Sometimes stories do end happily ever after!

Fucking Addie. Take some personal responsibility, will you?!

Joey agrees to help Penny find Curt because Joey is the sensitive type that is totally into Devil's Triangles. Penny explains that Curt was kidnapped because of his knowledge of promethium. Not the promethium that exists in the real world but DC Universe promethium. Apparently promethium in the DC Universe can explode forever. Using my knowledge of the DC Universe, I must now conclude that Cyborg has the greatest orgasms in DC continuity. Although after doing some minor research because I know my knowledge of the DC Universe is spurious at best, it seems Cyborg's metal is made of depleted promethium. Which means Cyborg is impotent.

This is the sign for "Can I we fist now?"

Penny's father (whose name I should know but I never really thought his story arc would be in the foreground) threatens Qurac if they don't stop interfering in his interests with their Goddamned terrorism. He then slaughters some henchmen just to boost his aging self-esteem, with which none of his other henchmen seem to have a problem. And since even after killing some youthful men, he still feels old, he goes to bang a bunch of young women in the pool.

This comment is definitely directed at Deathstork. "I might be one of H.I.V.E.'s greatest monsters but not on the level of Slade Wilson!"

As Penny, Joey, and Adeline do some research at Searchers, Inc., they're attacked by more guys in jetpacks. I'm not fluent in super villain evil plans so I probably shouldn't tell them how to do their jobs. But flying around in jetpacks in a small office room doesn't feel like it confers much of an advantage. And I'm probably right about my supposition because the jetpack guys get their asses kicked by Joey and Penny. Plus Joey manages to sneak in one of those probably unintentionally sexy mind control panels.

The other henchmen, so intrigued by what might come next, stand rooted to the stairs.

Penny winds up being kidnapped because, in the end, the advantage of jetpacks is too great to overcome. I was wrong after all. Which I totally knew I was! So, technically, I was right all along.

Surprising only those who voraciously tore into the comic book without glancing at the cover, Penny has been taken to Amsterdam. I bet they're about to have some kind of showdown there!

The big showdown is more of a big letdown as Jericho once again fails to rescue Penny. She's carried off yet again by the Quraci terrorists. Arthur Lord (that's Penny's dad's name! I finally committed it to my brain!) decides the only way to get her back is to give Qurac some promethium. But the only way to get it is for Jericho to break into STAR Labs! I guess that won't be a problem for him, seeing as how he's Wildebeest and an enemy to all Titans! Oops! That was probably a spoiler! Sorry!

Teen Titans Spotlight #4: Jericho Rating: C. Mostly it gets a C because I didn't really pay attention to the story. It's fairly standard villains playing each other while a hero gets caught up in the middle out of love story. And the main character barely gets to express himself across 24 pages! It's mostly Adeline putting words in his mouth and Jericho responding with an obscene gesture. So it could have been better than a C comic book. Who knows? Not me! I don't actually review these things! What kind of fool thinks they're getting subjective critiques from this asshole?!

Teen Titans Spotlight #3: Jericho

I've always loved Jericho's look. Nothing says "I'm a superhero!" less.

Judging by the cover, I think this story was based on an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

Being a swearmonger, I have no problem with any kind of cursing in any situation ever. But I know people exist who can't stand even the slightest swear. Do those people avoid talking about Alfred Hitchcock movies to avoid embarrassing themselves? What about when they say words like class, assassin, acetate, dictator, and country? What really confuses me is how people who don't swear constantly swear but they've replaced the socially unacceptable words with words of their own making. It's really the same thing! "Cheese and crackers!" is always weirdly said at the exact same moments that blasphemers would yell, "Jesus Christ!" If the words are providing the same essential cathartic outlet, has the non-swearer really improved the situation? Even the words often used to replace swear words acknowledge the replaced word in their similarity. And if the only thing I know about religion is correct (that thing where Jesus says if you thunk it, you done already sinned it), these people are all fucked. Unless swearing isn't really a sin. I suppose the only real sinful swearing is the taking the Lord's name in vain. Which means that people who won't say words like "fuck" and "shit" and "asshole" must believe those are alternate words for God. Weirdos!

I don't give a fuck about swearing because swearing doesn't make the world a worse place. Who needs decorum?! Decorum can go spindle itself in the granny basket!

Dammit. That was satisfying. I think I've just moved into the "Cheese and Crackers!" camp.

Look at that outfit! No wonder he spends the majority of his time inside other people's minds.

This issue is called "The Past is Prologue" and I just went into a profundity coma. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

How much prologue can a teenager have built up? I suppose it depends on your life experiences. Joseph had his throat slit by one of Jackal's henchmen, developed the ability to enter a person's mind and take control of their body, had a father who was the greatest mercenary in the world, and was able to grow fantastic facial hair at an early age. He's probably got some good prologue. But take another teenager like Rebecca Black and you realize sometimes there's not a whole lot of prologue. I mean, I guess she learned the order the days come in the week, how to eat cereal, and the ability to count seats in a vehicle. Not that I'm taking a shot at Rebecca Black! I was probably one of the only people to defend her when it was all the Internet rage to shit on her song "Friday." Sure, the lyrics were inane. But she was young and the song was as catchy as any hit pop song. Sometimes people are just generally assholes. I guess they needed to prove their intelligence by pointing out how they couldn't be fooled into enjoying a song with insipid lyrics. Fuck them. Rebecca Black, I'm a fan!

The story begins in Paris so obviously the scene opens on the Eiffel Tower. Sure, the characters could have been at the Louvre or the Moulin Rouge or Notre Dame or the Arc de Triomphe but how many readers would instantly realize the characters were in Paris then? Aside from the narration box saying, "You can actually feel Paris come alive at night." Which is kind of a gross sentence when the scene opens up on a huge phallus straining to fuck the sky.

Now, now! Don't be hurt that I assumed most people wouldn't recognize Paris by famous Paris landmarks other than the Eiffel Tower. I didn't mean you, of course! I meant all of the other readers! Try to remember that the main audience for this story are comic book readers and Americans. If the third circle of that Venn Diagram is "ignorant," it would subsume the other two circles.

Ha ha! Just kidding, comic book readers! Just yanking your Yankee chain, Americans! Ha ha! Good times.

This is Curt and Penny. They're, I don't know, international spies or something.

Penny's help comes in the form of Adeline Kane and her investigative agency, Searchers, Inc. But there's a dramatic love problem! Joseph (Jericho, for you know-nothings!) was in love with Penny two years ago but it ended when he thought she died. Marv Wolfman does remember Jericho is a teenager, right? I guess that's why, two years later, he's still pining over his dead girlfriend. Love seems more love-y when you're young! But sheesh, Joey! Get over it! It's not like you lost your cat!

Listening? He's been signing "Let me fuck your titties" for the last twenty minutes!

Penny likes Jericho because he doesn't speak, he apparently listens, he paints, he writes poetry, and he can grow underwear soaking facial hair. And since he can't say anything, they just go out to the garden and fuck.

Meanwhile, Penny's dad pays Adeline to fake his and his daughter's death. Adeline sees her son fucking Penny and says, "Yeah, whatever. Cash is awesome."

But that's all prologue! In the logue, Penny's father is amassing an army for some shenanigans he's getting up to. But instead of hiring a bunch of warriors, he's making the warriors all fight to the death so that he's only left with a few warriors who are the best warriors from dozens! Or the luckiest, maybe. I don't know. I'd rather have a bigger army with a bunch of guys ready to fight to the death than a small army of guys cocky from fighting other guys to the death and somehow surviving. But then, I've never considered myself arch-villain material.

Penny's father tells her to get to Searchers, Inc. to help find Curt. He's busy watching dozens of perfectly good soldiers die for his cause. She has a bit of unbelievable trouble on the way to the airport that I don't want to talk about. Seriously, you don't want me to talk about it either. Especially since I know nothing about how cars work so even though I feel like a car wouldn't suddenly go out of control if a person in the back seat managed to aim at and hit the gas line while shooting through the floor, I can't be sure and I'm not willing to watch any YouTube videos on the subject. Plus after she shoots the gas line, the driver says, "You're crazy! We'll both die!" as the car heads for a cliff which he drives right over. Because somehow shooting the gas line means the brakes and the steering suddenly don't work? I suppose it's possible since, as I said, I know nothing about cars! She shoots the lock on the back door to get out but the driver can't open his door because she shot the gas line. Man, I'm glad I know how to completely disable a car and trap the driver in it now! I'd better memorize where this deus ex gaslina sits in every make and model of car! I'll never be kidnapped again!

Back in the prologue, Penny learns that Joey can enter people's minds and take over their body's actions. But the person he controls can still speak because, lacking vocal cords or something, he can't control their vocal cords. Penny gets super excited thinking about all of the sex stuff they could do with that power. Or, I guess, the one sex thing where he takes over her body and jerks her off while she moans loudly.

Does this sign mean "Mom, I fucked my girlfriend's tits!"?

On the night Adeline intends to fake Penny and her father's deaths, Joey proposes to Penelope. Adeline sees him propose and thinks, "Yeah, whatever. Cash is awesome." Adeline blows up Penny's father's boat with Penny and her father on it just as she and Joey leave. I guess that was to really twist the knife in the son she apparently hates. Or at least doesn't love as much as money?

So that's the prologue and the past! Moving on to the logue and the present, Joey still mourns for his lover. But he's going to be in for a big surprise when she shows up alive at the door to Searchers, Inc. Especially since she didn't think he died and has been mourning him for two years. No, she knew he was alive and she was off getting finger-banged by Curt.

Penny is probably thinking, "Curt who?!"

Teen Titans Spotlight #3: Jericho Rating: C. Oh, the teenage sex drama! The longing! The pining! The fake deaths! The strange fucking way gas lines work! This is more like the Marv Wolfman I'm used to!