New Guardians #8

Those ropes would be more effective looped and on the end of large poles. These guys are all going to get fucking space rabies.

The Weaponer of Qward, the being responsible for creating Sinestro's Yellow Power Ring (or, really, stealing the patent on the Green Ring and making an improved counterfeit), finds himself captured on the planet Korugar (Sinestro's home planet) and sentenced to death. He's saved at the last moment by Arkillo. Since Arkillo has been off chasing a stolen Yellow Ring and gallivanting all across the galaxy with the Rainbow Corps, he hasn't been keeping up on his Sinestro Corps Quarterly Newsletter.

Arkillo just looks like a sock puppet.

After Arkillo flips the fuck out, the comic returns to an hour earlier with the Rainbow Corps just having left the Orrery. Invictus has let them go with the condition they kill Larfleeze. Kyle Raynor's having second thoughts about this deal but, as he notes, Invictus could have killed the entire Rainbow Corps all by himself if they'd refused. They really better not screw this up. The Rainbow Corps has to keep Invictus happy or else the universe is going to have another Darkseid on their hands. If this guy can easily beat seven different colored Lanterns at once, who in the universe can defeat him? Besides Batman.

Once the Rainbow Corps is clear of the Orrery, Arkillo tries to download the Newsletter to his ring but finds that the network is down. Kyle Raynor asks his ring about the Sinestro Corps and discovers that it was disbanded 22 hours ago and that 98% of its members are dead or captured. Arkillo is understandably perturbed by the news.

How do the Lantern rings know so much? Where do they get their news-feed?

Arkillo ditches the rest of the group as he flies off to the beginning of the comic book. Green Lantern thinks they should all charge up with their lanterns and regroup later. So Kyle is going to fly off with Glomulus to Blue Beetle #8. And Munk is gets a distress call that Indigo-1 needs klok, so he heads off to Green Lantern #9. Saint Walker and Fatality look like they'll be taking a break until the Guardians regroup as they head off to recharge without any plans for cameos anywhere else. As for Bleez...

How many times do you think this shot has been used on Batman?

While charging her ringing and spouting her stupid oath (I think the Indigo Tribe have the best oath since it's incomprehensible), Fatality learns from the Zamarons that Invictus could not have opened a portal out of his Universe without help from someone in this Universe. They instruct Fatality that her job is to determine who helped him and why.

Back on Korugar, Arkillo and the Weaponer of Qward escape into the sewers and the Weaponer's hideout. The Weaponer threw away his Sinestro Corps ring when he realized Sinestro had betrayed him. But while in hiding, he forged a new ring and power battery that he's now offering to Arkillo.

Why continue to use the Sinestro Corps logo on the ring?

The only thing the Weaponer is asking for in return is The Orrery. Oh, okay. No problem! With the ring, Arkillo and the Weaponer escape Korugar and the issue ends.

New Guardians #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. Every aspect of the comic was mediocre but it gains a +1 Ranking due to the gratuitous butt-shot of Bleeze. No, no. Good story, all that. Enjoyable. Well-paced. Blah blah reviewer clichés blah blah.

New Guardians #7

Fatality looks like she's napping.

End of last issue, Invictus had defeated all of the New Guardians except Bleez since Bleez was just arriving. Will she save the day? Probably.

Since this story has been all over the place, I haven't been able to pin down what was possibly going on. But I guess speculation is for stories where the beginning and middle and end all have a continuous sense of motion. This story has continually changed, issue after issue. The only thing that has remained constant is Larfleeze being behind it all. But the why has remained elusive. Until this issue.

When a plot becomes too complicated, just have somebody explain it. Also the added bonus of learning why the Orange Constructs are sentient.

Because Saint Walker wanted to heal Invictus, Invictus decided to tell Saint Walker his story. Once Invictus was filled with the power of all of his fallen brothers, he was finally ready to defeat Larfleeze.

I may need to read the about the origin of Larfleeze.

The only problem with this plan is that Invictus hesitated when he realized that Larfleeze killed the members of Invictus' Council of Virtue. Larfleeze clipped Invictus' wings and threw him into the other universe instead. And everything after that makes sense. Time must work differently between the two universes. So Invictus has been gone for billions of years. During that time, he's built the Orrery out of the Vega star system of the other universe. And he finally found a way back to this universe to destroy Larfleeze. Larfleeze knew this and "recruited" the New Guardians save his ass. And during the chaos to get them to work for him, he also was able to beat up on some of the Guardians for a little while. Bonus!

Most of my speculations are correct but Invictus didn't build the Orrery from the alternate Vega System. He built the entire thing himself. And genetically modified other aliens to closely resemble the populations of the planets he protected.

Glomulus!

Once Green Lantern begins asking questions and everybody stops bitch slapping each other, things begin to start making sense. You know how many wasted pages of comic book could be avoided every year if some editor made a rule that characters had to speak with each other before fists started flying? Also, maybe people need to stop believing other people who are known liars and narcissists and delusional megalomaniacs.

But I guess even talking has its limits because then the writer has to work the dialogue through to a satisfactory ending for all parties. And fuck that! That shit is hard! Better to just interrupt the peace talks with a maniac Lantern!

And you fell for it, you dumb bitch! I fell for it as well. I thought the talking was going to work for once.

Saint Walker believes that with Munk channeling the Blue Light of Hope along with Saint's own Hope, they can heal Invictus. It only makes him angrier. Invictus decides that Saint Wanker shall be the first to die. But he's stopped by ... Arkillo?

Oh, you can say it. Come on! You don't fear friendship, do you?!

Kyle decides to try talking once more and it works this time because Bleez has been rattled a bit and choked a lot. So Invictus decides to let them live. On one condition: Kyle Raynor kills Larfleeze.
So which will it be? Do the Guardians listen to one bastard to kill another bastard or do they listen to one bastard to kill another bastard? This isn't quite Sophie's Choice, is it?

The New Guardians #7 Rating: No change. I am enjoying the story but this issue had a little bit too much exposition for my liking. Having a character tell this much of the story at once just points to the failing of the story to be told across the other issues. But that's okay. No change in the rankings isn't a bad thing! It just means this comic series is exactly where it needs to be in the New 52. And New Guardians is a good comic. I think.

New Guardians #6

The last issue of New Guardians didn't remove my doubts that Tony Bedard doesn't have a good handle on this story. For a second I thought maybe it was going to end up being a cosmic threat that brought all of the colored Guardians of the Universe together. But suddenly it's turned into a not so cosmic threat that's actually just angry at Larfleeze for some reason and the New Guardians are being manipulated by Larfleeze to fight his battle for him.

Well, I guess that plot works as well. Whatever!

The Great Alarm of Invictus rings throughout the Orrery to warn everybody that he's coming to kick the New Guardians in their collective faces. Kyle Raynor contacts the others with his ring by tapping into the emotional spectrum of the others. What this means is unless he's afraid, his ring can't communicate with Arkillo the Yellow Lantern. And unless he's hoping for something, he can't speak with Saint Walker. Which means he must be in love with one of his fellow Guardians or else his ring wouldn't have been able to contact Fatality! Hmm. I wonder which New Guardian he's in love with?

I guess lust is probably just as effective.

Before the New Guardians have a chance to regroup, Invictus appears before Fatality and Munk. He immediately begins invective at them. Maybe that should have been his name: Invectus! He's a real holier-than-thou asshole. Sinner this and darkness in your heart that. But he's also a Grade A Super Villain so he accidentally says too much.

Maybe that isn't too much. But Batman would now know how to defeat him based on this information.

With one blast, Invictus nearly kills Munk and Fatality. Munk teleports them to Saint Walker so that he can heal them. But Invictus easily follows since his statues seem to be some kind of portal that allow him to travel from world to world. And, of course, all of the New Guardians on each separate world happen to be hanging out around the statues. These New Guardians are pretty decent investigators to be able to search whole worlds and find these statues. Perhaps there are statues littering the surfaces of all of these planets.

And what are these planets anyway? They're obviously just copies of the real planets. Or are they the same planets from an alternate dimension? And Invictus has conquered the universe, placing planets inside his ships to use as energy? He is billions of years old. But would that mean that Larfleeze is the God of the New DCU? Or is he the fallen angel of Invictus's universe who was banished to the New DCU? I bet that's it!

No, no. Close! But I bet Larfleeze actually escaped imprisonment and punishment in the other universe which is why Invictus has entered this universe to chase him down. And that's why Larfleeze set up the New Guardians. He needed them to get together because they were the only people in he universe that he felt could defeat Invictus.

Invictus arrives and tussles with Arkillo. There always has to be a tussle, doesn't there? I enjoy comic books where there doesn't always have to be a fight. Maybe I shouldn't be reading DC Comics then, amirite?! Anyways, do I say anyways too much? And meanwhile? It's just I run out of shit to say sometimes. I can't always think up a new way to introduce a new scene or find a new way to steer my ramblings back on track. So, you know, Arkillo nearly gets his ass killed by Invictus because Arkillo "fears nothin---AAAARRRRRGHGHHH!" That was Arkillo not me falling off of my office chair.

But then Green Lantern shows up to save the day with a stupid light construct!

What? No king of the world jokes?

A really good Green Lantern would have had a little green light construct band playing on the deck.
That titanic distraction only keeps Invictus off-balance long enough for Green Lantern to say, "We're here!" Invictus then goes after Glomulus since he's a direct creation of Larfleeze. But Saint Walker stands up to Invictus and tries to heal him. But there is nothing at all wrong with Invictus. He seems to know what he's talking about when he says he's the light and good and the ring-bearers are evil stupid jerks.

But just when everything looks bleak and all of the Lanterns are dazed and confused, a hero arrives!

Oh wait. Never mind. It's just Bleez.

New Guardians #6 Rating: No change. Just a little bit too much concentration on battle this month. I hope they reveal that Larfleeze is basically a God from Invictus's universe. Maybe that's why he can infuse his Orange Creations with a life of their own.

The Savage Hawkman #8

Was this something the fans were demanding? I'm already bored.

Last issue, Askana the Lizard Babe appeared out of nowhere to continue beating up Hawkman. Although I think they were helping to save each others' lives last they encountered each other. Bah, who can remember?!

Having a character us the phrase, "Is that all you've got?" is a quick way to drop in the rankings.

What is going on with Hawkman's arm?

And here's another way to drop your ranking: have someone start a fight when they really just want to ask for help. Things are looking good for Captain Atom gaining another rank by default as Hawkman plunges toward the bottom of the New 52. Most of this bullshit comes from a writer's need to end a story on some type of conflict. But when the resolution is bullshit like this where the fight never should have started in the first place, all it does is waste space in the beginning of the next issue as the bullshit is resolved in a stupid and meaningless way. If your plan is to keep people reading by making them curious as to how a cliffhanger is resolved, it's not going to work with this fuckery. Learn to write a good, interesting story and people will want to keep picking up your comic. Pull shit like this and they'll stop reading this comic and probably avoid comics with your name on them in the future.

I really should be making a list of all of the writers' Twitter accounts so I can send them my thoughts. Because my thoughts matter more than other peoples' thoughts!

YES THEY DO! FUCK YOU!

How about we just agree to disagree? I'm right and you're wrong and we'll just leave it at that.

Is this how madness sets in? Arguing with imaginary people on the other side of a computer connection? No, that's just a symptom of the madness. The madness sets in by continually reading stories written by Tony S. Daniel! Oh! A burning zing!

Ah ha! I remembered something correctly! Although I should be laughing at myself. Fucking memory space in my brain being taken up by Tony Daniel's shit.

Askana needs help because some aliens from her home planet are hunting her for a crime she didn't commit. She attacked Hawkman to test him. Yeah, okay. He reluctantly agrees to help her because her other option is to just let him kill her.

The aliens that are hunting her speak in three different colors: red, blue and green. I remember aliens like that in a previous comic where they all answered YES at one point and each letter of yes was a different color. But I can't remember which comic book that was. Probably one with Daemonites in it. And since I already thought Askana was Voodoo when I first saw the cover of Issue #8, Askana is probably a Daemonite and those are the things hunting her.

Hey, DC! Enough with the fucking Daemonites. They am stupidest.

Hawkman meets up with Askana later when she finds out where the three hunters are located. There's a big fight with Carter Hall constantly, incessantly Narration Boxing. Hey! Guess what the three worst comics in the New 52 have in common?! Constant Narration Boxing! [Narration Boxing is the weird thought bubbles that aren't quite thought bubbles but also aren't quite an omniscient narrator but share aspects of the two and make no fucking Goddamn sense at all. Well, they can make sense. But generally not in context and mostly only if you read them as if the protagonist is telling his grandchildren the story you're reading.]

During the fight, Hawkman realizes that he was the target and not Askana. It was a trap! No, no. I'm not going to stick a picture of Ackbar here.

Although maybe I should since I'm done reading the comic book! Yeah, that was a short one. Here's what we learned: Hawkman is full of hatred and rage. But somewhere in him is a yearning to help people. So he still wants to be a Super Hero but he's really mother fucking angry all of the time. He also can't tell that Emma loves him and he continues to run from her even though he seems sort of interested. That could be interesting if more time were spent on actual character development instead of giant panels full of brawling with the Narration Boxing trying to cover up the lack of actual character development by telling the reader stuff they should know. Lazy lazy.

The Savage Hawkman #8 Rating: -1 Ranking. Yep. That's right! Fuck you, Hawkman! This comic was less interesting than that last story which didn't even need you as a character!

The Savage Hawkman #7

Fuck! It looks like I was wrong about nobody helping in the zombie invasion of New York. Is that Static?!

Last issue ended with a zombie apocalypse about to shamble across New York City. My initial assumption was that Hawkman wouldn't have any help even though there are many super heroes in New York. But I'd forgotten that this is the New 52 and any chance they get to have guest stars, they shove them into the story line. I'm just surprised that the cover doesn't have a big Guest Starring Static line on it so that all the Static Shock fans could pick up this issue. Because the Static on the cover just looks like some homeless adult in a Static costume that was swept up in the undead attack.

The beginning of this comic --

reminds me of my old webcomic, The Brainfest Club, which I never came close to completing:

You know. Because they both involve reporters on location in a zombie invasion.

Everyone on the Brooklyn Bridge is running from the zombies. It's "TOTAL CHAOS!" But the zombies don't seem to be attacking anybody. Is this what a true zombie invasion will end being? The dead will rise and begin going about their business but everyone will remember all of those zombie movies they saw and begin killing them just because they're different. Maybe these zombies are more like the zombies from the French movie, Les Revenants?

On the page with the credits, it lists Cliff Richards as the Illustrator. But he isn't listed on the cover! And I was wondering why Philip Tan's work was looking a smidgen less water colory. Also, the four or five pages surrounding this credit's page explain everything I need to know to be caught up on the story. I really think I could just read the last issue of each story arc and be able to follow the story! It sure would save a lot of time.

Eventually, the zombies show their true colors (bile? Is that a color?) and begin attacking the slower people on the bridge. Hawkman beats a few with his mace and dumps some others in the river. I wonder if Batman would have done that? My guess is that Static will arrive soon to take care of the zombie threat so that Hawkman can go find the Gentleman's Ghost.

And that's exactly what happens.

Now the only question is will Hawkman and Static fight with each other for a few pages before realizing that they can work together?

They actually have a little love fest and decide to work together although Static does most of the work. He easily takes out the zombies by disrupting the electrical impulses in their heads. Now I'm usually not one to argue whether or not some fictional method for taking out a fictional threat would work or not (who the fuck am I kidding? That's ALL I do!), but it seems these Zombies are being animated due to their proximity to the Mortis Orb. And that probably means they're animated due to magic. And I highly doubt the magic is using the physical laws of the universe to get the job done. Maybe magic uses the easiest possibility and that would be to give the zombies a little bit of electricity in their brains to get them to motivate. But it's only enough for their instincts to kick in which is why they're attacking people as well as moving toward the source of power. So I think I just argued myself into believing Static's ability can take out the zombies. Shoot!

The two heroes triangulate the point where the zombies are converging and it looks to be Central Park. That's where I would go if I were an 18th Century dead man's ghost using a magic orb to bring me back to life.

Once they get to Central Park, they do that thing that I thought they were going to do earlier where Static takes care of the zombies and Hawkman goes after the Ghost who is in Belvedere Castle. I've never heard of this place before! But then I've never been to New York. I wonder if the Castle and the surrounding area all smell like piss?

Hawkman discovers that he can now kill the apparitions that he couldn't touch before due to the power of the Orb. So he kills them but then Gentleman Jim blasts Hawkman before Hawkman can figure out if Gentleman Jim is corporeal or not as well. And then Hawkman fails! He doesn't stop Gentleman Jim at all!

Julius Gates returns from the dead to save the day! There's a lot of that going on in the New DCU lately.

Hawkman takes the Orb as all the ghosts disappear into Julius Gates' vortex and all the zombies collapse in rotten heaps all over New York City (what else is new?). He flies to Antarctica and tosses it into a big hole in the ice. And then he returns home to find Emma and his neighbor Singh waiting for him. They're relieved that he's okay and this is where the comic should end. Next issue should be some down time to pull some of the threads of Hawkman's past together. Time to make the reader care about Carter Hall! But no, what am I thinking, no way, more action needed! Askana the Shape Shifter from the Morphicius story appears to begin a fight with him. And that's where it ends. Whee.

The Savage Hawkman #7 Rating: No change. I'm actually being very kind by not dropping it a rank but it doesn't deserve to be beneath Captain Atom or Grifter. I should deduct a point though! This entire story line needed Hawkman for simply one thing: his Nth metal to activate the Orb of Mortis. And Gentleman Jim's Ghost could have just as easily gotten Deathstroke to bring Ravager's Nth Metal blade to the grave site! Or rummaged through the Blackhawk's base until they found some Nth Metal there. Because once the Orb is activated, Hawkman does nothing. Static easily handles the zombies. And Julius Gates defeats Gentleman Jim's Ghost! If Hawkman weren't here, Static probably would have taken the Orb to STAR Labs and they could have contacted Cyborg to Boom Tube the thing into the sun. Hawkman does absolutely nothing in this story and serves no purpose. No wonder I've never been a fan of this chump!

The Savage Hawkman #6

Gentleman Ghost is part spider?

Sometimes my blogs don't quite serve the purpose they initially intended to serve. After rereading my post on Hawkman #5, I really didn't have any idea what was happening at the end of it. But I also haven't read a Hawkman comic since January! So I reread Hawkman #5 so I'd know what was going on. It was pretty painful having to reread a Tony S. Daniel comic book. But I did it! I'm a hero!

Carter Hall hallucinated zombies at the end of Issue #4 but that clears up at the beginning of Issue #5 and doesn't really go anywhere. I'm guessing it was a foreshadowing vision which allowed for a stupid zombie apocalypse cliffhanger. Later, Carter's boss calls him up to translate a book that was supposedly the inspiration for Lovecraft's Necronomicon, the book of the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred. I didn't remember the Arab's name but since I had a book of Lovecraft's stories on my desk within arm's reach, I thought I'd look it up. Take that, Google! While researching this book, Carter winds up in an antique bookseller where he's approached by Gentleman Ghost. And kind of attacked by Gentleman Ghost's ghosts. That's pretty near where things ended.

And now that I'm back up to date, it's time for Tony Daniel to shock me with his innovative and deep thinking story telling!

The first page of Hawkman #6 recounts all of the events of Issue #5! I didn't have to reread it! Hell, I never had to read it at all! Maybe I should make it common practice to just read every other issue of The Savage Hawkman.

Cue the incomprehensible action sequences.

In the panel above, you can see Hawkman suddenly attacking Gentleman's Ghost. Or possibly you can see Gentleman's Ghost attacking Hawkman and Hawkman simply defending himself. They were having such a civil discussion up until this point that I really can't tell who began the violence. One thing I do know: Hawkman thinks you can have eternal life by a healthy diet, vanilla sex, and teetotaling. Yeah, I'm making assumptions about what he means by a clean life. But that's all I fucking do in these commentaries is make assumptions! And point out the truth!

Why is Gentleman's Ghost suddenly Doc Ock?

After this panel, Gentleman Ghost threatens to send Hawkman to hell if he doesn't help him get the Mortis Orb. And that's the moment that I would expect the violence to begin! Once again, I'm assuming something: Gentleman's Ghost is a gentleman. So he wouldn't have begun the violence while having an eloquent discourse. But Hawkman is The Savage Hawkman, so he probably did begin fighting because he's not very good at discourse. That's not an assumption. The proof is his "clean living" line and his "ice water for residents of Hell" comment.

Is that why these two guys are big enemies? Because one is savage and the other is a gentleman? Totally makes sense and invokes images of the greatest rivalry of all time!

My apologies to anyone who prefers the movie duo. And no apologies to all you youngsters who've never seen the show.

The credits for the comic appear on Page Five and now I'm wondering just how much work Tony Salvador Daniel has done on this issue.

What was Tony's part in his? "Issue #6 should have Hawkman fighting Gentleman's Ghost. But remember! Gentleman's Ghost has ghosts on his side that can't be hurt but can hurt Hawkman! And Gentleman's Ghost is a gentleman, so write some words that make him sound gentlemanly. Maybe use "kind sir" and "pardon me" and shit like that. And then I'll end it where Hawkman is about to be killed but not in a way that I can't think up some way for him to get out of it at the beginning of next issue. Make Hawkman say witty and funny things as he fights. That's a new and innovative idea."

Since Hawkman can't win against a bunch of ghosts that he can't hurt but can cut him up easily enough, he retreats. He takes the store owner, Digby, with him. He doesn't do it to save Digby's life. Hawkman isn't a hero! He's just a guy who wanted to stop being a hero but his costume wouldn't let him. Now he's just an angry guy that hallucinates and runs from women. He takes Digby because Digby knows about the book that caused all of the problems. It's the way Savage Hawkmen do research! You kidnap a guy, threaten his life, and then fly off to investigate a house where the book was sold in an estate sale. Because the house probably wasn't sold or remodeled or anything that would derail Hawkman's investigation.

It turns out the man who died had a wife still living in the run-down old house. She's blind and mistakes Hawkman for her husband Julius Gates. Her name is Abigail Gates. She lets Hawkman know that her husband was buried with the Mortis Orb. Well, that was easy! I wonder if there will be a catch?

See? He doesn't want to be a super hero at all!

Hawkman unearths the Mortis Orb even though his visions have suddenly gained voices and are warning him to stop. Digby also believes it's a bad idea to dig up the Orb but he's kind of a coward so why would anyone listen to him? I wonder if he'll become Hawkman's sidekick? I'm obsessed with sidekicks! Every comic book, I want the title character to find a sidekick.

Anyway, Hawkman picks up the Mortis Orb just like the puppet Gentleman's Ghost expected him to be.

How did Gentleman's Ghost know about Nth Metal, know that it would break the spell, and know that Hawkman was full of Nth Metal?

Once Gentleman's Ghost takes the Mortis Orb, the living dead lose their interest in Hawkman. They begin heading for the city, drawn by the Orb's power. Hawkman follows the zombies hoping that they'll lead him to the Orb and to Gentleman's Ghost. He needs to find the Ghost and stop him before he uses the Orb to regain his life since the side effect of using the Orb to restore life is taking the lives of all living things for miles around. But that won't happen until next issue where Hawkman will have to fight through a zombie invasion in New York without any help from STAR Labs or the Teen Titans or Justice League International or the good Justice League or Justice League Dark or Batman (even though Batman is helping everyone else) or Static Shock or Blue Beetle (since he's now in New York).

The Savage Hawkman #6 Rating: No change. Hawkman is standard comic book fare hat doesn't offer a lot of reasons to pick it up. But it currently isn't doing so much wrong that fans of Hawkman will abandon it. I found this story decent except for a centuries old ghost knowing about Hawkman's Nth Metal and how it will reinvigorate the Orb he needs. And Philip Tan's artwork, which I think can be beautiful at times, just seems shoddy in this one. Perhaps it's all the dark green/blue/grey backgrounds he seems to be throwing into nearly every panel. Hawkman, you're nearly at the bottom of the heap. It really wouldn't take much for me to give you a +1 in the rankings. Get on with it! Do something semi-fascinating!

I, Vampire #8

They all want a piece of Angel Andrew!

Last issue was Justice League Dark #8! In it, Shade the Changing Man left the series and, less importantly, Andrew Bennett came back from the dead to defeat Cain. I suppose this issue will be the big battle between Good and Evil. And maybe Batman.

When Bennett returns to confront Cain, he is called The Demon's Lock by Cain, Daddy Vampire. That just about proves that Etrigan and his Demon Knights were the ones to imprison Cain inside of Bennett hundreds of years ago. And then Cain tells his vampire minions to destroy Andrew. All of that action happens on Page One! Was that a lot of action? And technically most of that action too place on Page 20 of Justice League Dark #8.

With a wave of his arms, Bennett manages to turn all of the vampires to dust. I think that proves that Madame Xanadu's deal with Astral Smurf was to give all of the power to the Good Vampire. That'll probably work out in the long run. After his army is defeated, Cain resorts to the calling cry of the nearly defeated: "Is that all you got?!" He actually says, "I will end you!" But I never really talk about the villain crying, "I will end you!" or "I will destroy you!" or one of those threats. At this point (and I'm only on page three!), I think Cain should be yelling, "So sorry! So sorry! Don't mind me! I'll just be on my way."

Andrew reforms all of the vampires to be on his team while he tells Cain that he's no longer just another vampire with a soul (too many of those around lately anyway), he's something much more powerful. He's the equal and opposite to Cain's primordial evil.

I know everyone has been calling him a traitor to the vampires and he needed to come up with an opposite, but, um, seriously? Only in an American comic would someone just saying the word 'Patriot' be treated so dramatically.

Mary sees this and thinks Andrew is somehow on her side. She runs up to him and gives him a big smooch after he says, "I've seen the error of my ways." I have a feeling when I turn the page, his error will have been keeping her alive.

Or maybe not. Instead of killing Mary, he lops the head off of Cain. I'm sure Cain isn't dead. He'll be back. But what is Andrew's plan for Mary?

He's not letting her kill everyone. So that's a good sign. Right?

While Cain has been destroyed for now, Justice League Dark, Hippie John, and Tig are all a little concerned that maybe Andrew Bennett has decided to embrace his vampire self at long last. They believe Xanadu has just given the new leader of the vampire rebellion Godlike powers. And maybe that's not a bad thing.

Maybe he'll work within the law to get them their civil rights. Batman might help since he's against killing them, the pansy!

Andrew sends Hippie John to do something that John does not want to do. Andrew calls whoever he is sending John to Plan B. John simply calls them monsters. That probably won't be revealed this month.

Surprise! I was completely wrong! The monsters are the Van Helsings! Is it time for Castlevania?

I, Vampire #8 Rating: No change! This was actually a good resolution to the Vampire Rebellion. Andrew Bennett stopped it but he's also worked it so that he's back with Mary and in control of the vampire hordes. And maybe Justice League Dark can get back to dealing with its own problems next issue! DC's New 52: Where everybody's chocolate is in everybody else's fucking peanut butter.