Voodoo #6

Have Voodoo's breasts become more pendulous?

Voodoo has just discovered that she's a clone. That's the kind of revelation (or as Scott Lobdell calls it, "holy grail") that can induce serious Narration Boxing. I'm not really looking forward to a comic filled with angst-ridden "Who am I really?" and "Who created me and for what reason?" questions. Hopefully Voodoo will just suck it up and continue to think of herself in the same terms she thought of herself before she found out she was a clone.

What do you call it when you laugh out loud and mutter, "Fuck," at the same time? Because that's what I did after reading the FIRST panel of Voodoo #6!

WHO AM I? Can I conceal myself forevermore? Pretend I'm not the stripper I was before? And must my stripper name before I die be no more than an alibi?

So what are you? A trick of the light? A figment of someone's imagination (well, okay, technically that's what you really are! But I mean if you were really real than how could you be unreal by learning you're a clone as opposed to your being unreal because you're a comic book character and whether or not you're a clone doesn't really matter)?

See? You are your own person! You were a kerchief! I mean a do-rag!

This is what happens when you equate your job with sense of self. Lose the job and you lose everything. But Voodoo should be elated at this discovery. It means she's free! No more orders from alien mob bosses. No more secret missions. No more hunting and killing and espionage. She can go do whatever she wants! I mean, she was always free to do that stuff anyway. But now she's been given a free pass to do these things without feeling bad about letting her superiors down. There's another Voodoo out there! And she's the original! She can fucking do the job herself!

That button Voodoo pressed cancelled the transmission of the Super Hero files to Voodoo's Daemonite leaders. She's decided to figure out the truth about who she is and why she was created before she'll help out the Daemonites. I'm not even sure why she wants to know that much. You've got a fresh start and a corvette, bitch! Hit the road! Go check out the Badlands and Devil's Tower and Little Big Horn and the Redwood Forest!

Why are so many people so concerned with finding their identity outside of themselves? How does that even work? What does finding out why the Voodoo clone was created and by whom have anything to say about the Voodoo clone's idea of self? It might answer some questions that are nagging her about how she came to be. Like a small child wondering how it was created. But that isn't going to change anything in her own mind and how she feels about herself. Stop looking to the outside world to define you, people. You are not your possessions. You are not your parents. You are not your job. You are a culmination of your own thoughts and experiences. You create you with a little help from the chaotic randomness of the universe and the things it throws at you. But you aren't the tornado or the lightning strike or the bear attack; you are how you deal with those things.

After Voodoo escapes through some kind of hyperspace portal as the Daemonite battleship explodes, the scene returns to the Black Razor base where the original Voodoo is being held. Once again, a caption reminds the reader that the Black Razors are "a super secret organization that hunts rogue alien technology threatening mankind." What makes it SUPER secret versus just secret? Is it super secret because everyone else in the DC Universe doesn't know about it as opposed to secret like the Blackhawks and Suicide Squad that everyone seems to know about but they all just pretend it doesn't exist?

Black Jack and Fallon have arrived to break the original Voodoo out of Black Razor custody before they kill her. They think with her help they can catch the Voodoo clone. Really? This sounds like a case of importing foxes to Australia to deal with the rabbit problem. Why is the original Voodoo going to care or comply? After you break her out, you'll just have two problems to deal with! And once they meet up, they'll probably act like long lost siblings.

Oh, don't worry about hiding behind the moon. Earth can't spot anything in orbit.

Meanwhile, behind the moon, the Daemonites watch and wait! Or something. I guess about a billion also watch and wait on Earth while pretending to be human. I think what they're waiting for is the Intel on Earth's Superheroes that Voodoo is supposed to deliver. I'm a bit unclear on why the Daemonites are so concerned with Earth and have been for thousands of years. Do they want to conquer it? Or are they just hanging around to destroy Camelot every time it pops back up. Were the Daemonites the men on the grassy knoll? Did they kill John Kennedy and Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr., and Malcolm X? Was Nixon a Daemonite?

Voodoo has transported herself to this ship so that she can confront the War Council and figure out why she exists. She confronts Skinny the redneck Daemonite and his lackettes while on board. She kills skinny more easily than she's killed any other Daemonite in the book but lets the girls go since she "still believes in the cause."

Back on Earth, Agent Fallon and Black Jack break Priscilla (the original Voodoo) out of the Black Razors facility and make a break for it. Black Jack mentions that their "real boss" will be pissed when he finds out what happened. And their real boss is Lincoln of the Blackhawks. But he's not really that pissed.

So that's what the 'super' in super secret means! It's the secret group of a secret group!

I guess someone realized that the Blackhawks and the Black Razors were redundant. I bet a bunch of editors were in a meeting discussing it when some sharp wit noticed that they both had 'black' in the title and why couldn't they be PART OF THE SAME GROUP!!!!! Those was the fantasy person's extra excitement and his extra exclamation points and not my own. And it made good sense to merge them at this point because it keeps the Blackhawks in the DCnU even after their title was cancelled. Just like Mister Terrific is heading to Earth 2. And OMAC is in Justice League International. And Static Shock will probably become a Teen Titan. And Men of War was simply renumbered and retitled to G.I. Combat. And Hawk and Dove, um, well, Liefeld will probably stick them in Deathstroke or one of his other titles.

And back on board the spaceship for a check-in with Voodoo. She makes her way to the War Council and kills dozens of Daemonite guards. I guess Hybrids are more powerful than the pure Daemonites. Or else they infused Voodoo with some kind of Daemonite super power when they experimented on and then cloned her.

The Fallen One was that thing in Grifter where he battled Midnighter.

This is the war council discussing matters just before Voodoo breaks in demanding answers and ends the comic. I don't understand why they've been hiding in the shadows. If the something that is coming is the conquering of Earth, then perhaps they shouldn't have waited so long. It's as if they waited until they had problems. They couldn't attack until they learned how to defeat the super heroes but why didn't they attack before the super heroes were around? Did they try and was it Stormwatch that has always held them at bay? Or maybe for the last thousand years, it was simply an advance team on Earth trying to keep the Earthlings from getting to a point where they couldn't be defeated which is why they destroyed Camelot every time it sprang up? Why were they only able to attempt the summoning of the Black Curate once they had Grifter as a sacrifice? I hope the answers that are supposedly going to be given next issue answer some of these questions!

Voodoo Issue #6 Rating: No change. Nothing special going on here! At least not for me.

Supergirl #8

I hope Perez's interior art is better than this cover.

This issue begins with the army and the New York police wanting to arrest Supergirl because that's always the way comic book writers think. The authorities are always too stupid to assess the situation and they just want to shoot something. You know, when I say it like that, it makes sense. Um, carry on!

Seriously, carry on! Not like a few bullets are going to hurt Supergirl anyway. She might as well just walk away as they try to stop her. Like kids throwing a tantrum, they'll eventually tire out. Or run out of ammunition. Or become so embarrassed by a girl pushing them easily away that they'll all pretend that they suddenly sprained an ankle and pout and whine that she got away.

Does the 'ye' indicate she speaks Kryptonian with an Irish accent?

It's the girl in the Ceremonial Garb! I knew she was important by the way she was dressed. It seems she has some kind of Language Super Power which is good. Hopefully she'll remain with Supergirl as her translator instead of just teaching Kara English! She'll have to lose some of the clothes though if she wants to be a sidekick. I think it's mandatory that sidekicks where less clothes than the super hero they're kicking the side of.

Supergirl doesn't do all of the correct things the cops demand so they open fire. Fucking fearful cops. A brave cop is one that keeps his fucking bullets in his gun. Supergirl doesn't like being shot at so she retreats taking the Irish girl with her. They land on the roof of a building and have a conversation.

Untrue! If you could speak it like a native, you wouldn't be saying 'ye' all the time! Supergirl is a native speaker and I haven't heard her say 'ye' once!

The name sounds familiar. I wonder if I should remember this language girl from somewhere. She can also speak any animal language she hears because every species on the planet has an intricate and comprehensive language of course. These pigeons find Supergirl beautiful because they're apparently into human beings.

Some helicopters attack next so Supergirl and Siobhan retreat even further. All the way to Siobhan's apartment where they bond a bit when they realize they've both lost their parents. It's fun bonding! Siobhan puts together an outfit for Supergirl so they can go out incognito and have a night on the town.

I wonder why Supergirl didn't punch Siobhan in the face when she began speaking to her? Supergirl has changed!

Super cute!

I really wish I could finish this saying that they had a lovely night on the town. Siobhan would finish her gig while Supergirl had her first white chocolate mocha with a hint of raspberry. A few gorgeous guys would hit on her and she'd smile politely but turn coyly back to the music without responding. A couple of Siobhan's fans would ask them out and they'd walk over to a dark bar filled with gyrating women. Siobhan would get a little drunk and disappear with one of her fans while Supergirl tried her first martini. She's get a little tipsy and soon the other fan would be sliding her hand slowly up Kara's skirt. And then Kara's vagina would explode in that blast of yellow light killing everyone in the bar.

Dammit! I didn't want it to end poorly! But I was writing fan fiction for a second there so everyone had to die. Anyways, the thing that actually happens is one of those things you expect to happen in a comic. The nice night turns bad as Siobhan's dead father attacks. Typical!

As an Irishman, it was either name himself Banshee or choose between Blarney, Leprechaun, or The Shillelagh.

This guy deals in magic so he hurts Supergirl easily. That's because the Super-Family has a problem dealing with magic. Remember Superman almost being killed by magic rotten teeth in Justice League Dark? Yeah. Embarrassing! But Supergirl doesn't need to defeat Black Banshee anyway. That's up to his daughter, Silver Banshee! I don't need to scan her picture because she's that ugly mofo on the cover. And she doesn't look any better on the final page of the comic.

Supergirl Issue #8 Rating: No change. It would have been nice if Supergirl didn't go from one catastrophe to another. Give her a one issue break already! I'm sure Green and Johnson thought the six page lull in-between action scenes was already threatening to bore the reader. You don't always need the protagonist involved in a fight, guys!

Supergirl #7

Supergirl's new sidekick: Nonsuper Girl!

Supergirl found herself facing four Worldkillers at the end of the last issue. This issue begins with Reign telling Supergirl the history of the Worldkillers and then introducing them and their powers. The Worldkillers are normal aliens that were kidnapped from different homeworlds and then genetically modified to become weapons of planetary destruction. Wasn't Doomsday a Worldkiller as well? Or was he just a poor, abused experiment?

The Sabre-toothed Cat Worldkiller is named Deimax. His powers are super strength and invulnerability. His turn-ons include Mass Terrain Destruction and Licking His Own Butt. The Butterfly Worldkiller is named Flower of Heaven. Its powers include flight and energy creation and manipulation. Its turn-ons include Planetary Systems Overload and Sucking Nectar. The Feathered and Tentacled Lizard's name is Perrilus. Her powers are Poison/Virus generation and dissemination. Her turn-ons include Population Extinction and Tentacular Penetration.

Supergirl learns about a new power as she's fighting with Deimax the Catman.

Supergirl isn't going to have the only non-dangerous vagina in the DCnU!

After Supergirl explodes from the energy of the yellow sun tingling down in her lower abdomen, Flower of Heaven the Butterfly Hermaphrodite drains her level.

Level drained? Unacceptable! Quit and restore!

After this attack dazes Supergirl, Perrilus the Lizard Queen threatens to stick a nasty, infected stink finger in Supergirl's eye. That doesn't go over so well.

I wonder if all of her vulnerable orifices have this kind of defense?

Flower of Heaven's level drain didn't work very well. Supergirl is probably around Level 50 so making her Level 49 isn't exactly going to turn her into a helpless kindergartner. And you know how helpless those little bastards are. Helpless and unhelpful! Try doing some yardwork, you ungrateful little shit! Geez.

Supergirl realizes she should probably run since four against one isn't the best odds. The best odds are one against one. Some people might argue that the best odds are one against none but they're smart asses who will destroy the universe with their careless math.

Supergirl gets some helpful battle advice from Reign as they fight. That bitch just can't shut her mouth for one fucking second!

This reminds me of a moment from one of Brian Daley's Han Solo books where Han explains that if a star-fighter pilot can survive his first battle, he's likely to survive for many, many more. Why I remember that moment, I can't say. I looked up Brian Daley on the internet to make sure I had the name right after all these years and I surprised myself that I remembered that. I also found out he died at 49 years old.

Kara gets batted through three skyscrapers and into the ground. The rest of the Worldkillers show up and Deimax throws a subway at her. Where's Green Arrow when you need him? Kara can't run because Reign put a force field around New York that even Supergirl can't break through. The force field is stolen Kryptonian technology. Don't ask me how it works!

I told you to shut the fuck up! I knew you were eventually going to say too much, you stupid bit!

Supergirl takes Reign's advice to heart. Which advice? The advice that only a Worldkiller can kill another Worldkiller, of course! Why do these super villains always, ALWAYS, have to give up the secret to their defeat? You'd never catch me telling anyone that kittens and cupcakes paralyze me.

That's just a bad idea anyway, having a Kitten on your team and a member whose arms are basically strings. Also, Deimax is apparently a female as well.

After Kara cheats, Reign calls an end to the fight. She makes her team retreat to their ship to make sure Deimax doesn't die. Reign tells Supergirl that they will be back but for now, Earth is Kara's. And the Worldkillers will continue to search for the home planets they were stolen from. And then destroy them? She leaves Supergirl with one last piece of knowledge.

Doomsday! It was Doomsday!

And that's it. Supergirl ends the issue proud that she won her sparring match and got an A in Combat while wearing her Ceremonial Graduation Garb. The title of this issue was Graduation Day. I'm not sure how they can let her out of school without teaching her English though. That better happen soon!

Supergirl Issue #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed this issue and I think I promised Supergirl a rise in rank for that. So here it is. I'm not happy about it! This comic book is still mostly potential and not much pay-off.

Supergirl #6

The shadow looks like Peraxxus!

The cover of this issue shows where Supergirl was left last issue. Reign, a world killer created by the Kryptonians (and probably by Supergirl's father specifically), left Supergirl pinned to the wall and headed to Earth to kill it. Now somebody "awaits Supergirl at DEATH'S DOOR?!"

Reign gets to Earth super fast. So maybe Kara's Dildo Hyperspace Tunnel was left open after she came through it. Reign lands in the middle of a park and meets the natives.

 

I would have guessed this other girl was in the ceremonial garb:

Fun Fact: Female Lantern ceremonial dress consists of less fabric than your average handkerchief.

Supergirl cannot remove the sword pinning her cape to the wall. And I guess that Graduation Capes can't be removed or else she'd be free in the amount of time it takes to unsnap the fastener. But she hallucinates her mother and father (or does she?!) and it gives her the strength to pull out the sword (but not the intelligence to remove her cape). But she's out of power so she'll never be able to get back to Earth now!

It's so Wizard of Oz!

Does this revelation mean that Supergirl doesn't need a yellow sun to give her super powers? She just thinks happy thoughts and keeps love in her heart and she can do whatever she wants? That's pretty handy! And probably totally incorrect. Maybe the light of a Blue Sun only gives a Kryptonian Super Powers if they love their mother and their father.

Supergirl also manages to get back to Earth nearly instantaneously. And she resorts to the same tactic she's used in every other issue she's been in (including Superboy): sucker punch anybody who speaks to you!

Fun Fact: The old Double Fisted Punch was invented by a friend of mine in high school when he picked on a kid playing video games and then the kid's brother came back to beat him up. He didn't use the patented move. He thought it up after running quickly away.

After Kara and Worldkillerry spar a bit with Worldkiller going on and on and on about her and Kara's similarities, Kara gets to meet Worldkiller's friends, the other Worldkillers! And she doesn't just meet them in a normal comic book panel! No way! This meeting is epic and exciting and called for a two page Poster! OMG!

I'm hanging this fucker on my wall! Using tape!

And that's it. Once again, another underwhelming Supergirl comic. These issues have no meat on them! They're just such quick reads! I feel embarrassed that I finish so quickly with Supergirl.

Supergirl Issue #6 Rating: No change. Technically, there's nothing wrong with this comic. I'm still convinced there's a story here somewhere but it's moving too slow for the human mind to recognize it. Although now that I'm really thinking about it, it didn't make much sense. She still had her powers somehow after losing them? Her parents spoke with her as ghosts (but probably just hallucinations. Or images from the Super Dildo?)? And I didn't really like the big Worldkiller Gang reveal at the end. Every writer in the New 52 is so concerned about creating their own nemeses that the DC Universe is suddenly overflowing with bad guys. At least the Suicide Squad isn't going to run out of members any time soon.

I wish this had been the two-page poster!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #8

Why does this fight take place in the hospital? Did Red Hood accept her invitation to come die?

I probably come across as an arrogant asshole in some of my commentaries. Well, it's true. I am an arrogant asshole. This is part memoir, is it not? But is it really arrogance to know you're a genius and a savant?

Oh! Here's a good story to show how much of a genius I am! I don't consistently watch Survivor but I got pulled in this season. I also don't have cable but I have a Channel Master (TM) which is basically the TiVo of the masses not enslaved by the cable companies. So before going to work last night, I went into the program guide and set it to record the final episode. I also set it to record Celebrity Apprentice because how can you not watch a slow motion train wreck when it's delivered right into your living room! Anyway, I got home last night and began watching it and realized I'd made a critical error when I saw that it was only going to run 2 hours and 3 minutes. Yes, I forgot to set it to record the reunion show. Which means I watched just enough of the entire season to see Jeff Probst walk away with the final jar of votes, never to return.

Well, somewhere in that story it shows I'm a genius! Maybe it shows that I'm more a savant! Or perhaps it just shows that I don't mind watching reality television shows. It's like watching psychological and social experiments broadcast to the entire populace. You can learn a lot while watching a bunch of assholes argue about who ate more rice than anyone else. Although Big Brother is even better. My favorite part is how everyone instantly tries to make some kind of alliance and then the mere fact that other people they don't know any better than anyone else are in their alliance makes those people the "good" people and the other people conniving bitches trying to fuck their shit up. People are so easily swayed into beliefs that help them achieve their wants and desires. It's like that Indigo Girls song, Deconstruction of Love: "We're sculpted from youth but the chipping away makes me weary. And as for the truth, it seems like we just pick a theory. It's the one that justifies our daily lives and backs us with quiver and arrows...."

At this point, I'm probably just typing to see myself type since everyone else probably stopped reading at "But is it really arrogance to know you're a genius and a savant?"

As far as this comic goes, it begins with Jason Todd explaining his past. Kind of the way I started this commentary explaining about how I watched nearly an entire season of Survivor only to miss the money shot! That Jeff Probst is a coy bitch. Jason explains how he had just come back to life and killed all of one crime family so that the other six Hong Kong crime families would pay him 10% of everything they made. And of course he's such a super human having been trained by Batman and defeated death, he can kill dozens of people at once while not getting shot by them.

Here is Roy's reaction to this story:

I believe I pointed out somewhere else (Birds of Prey or Captain Atom) how any title with a writer that has used the phrase "mad-on" is near the bottom of the list. Not because I'm punishing it! But because it takes that level of bad writer to use that phrase and think he's being cool.

Todd had to kill a number of other crime families since none of them seemed want to take the deal. Until Suzie Su and The Familia de Flores rose up to take the place of one of the families he killed. It's probably not as odd as I think it is that a Hong Kong crime family decided to use an Italian name. Although maybe it's Spanish. Or perhaps Portuguese. But by then, Jason Todd had the money he wanted and was leaving Hong Kong. But first he killed everyone in Suzie Su's organization except her and her father.

This Jason Todd is really turning out to be such a lovely guy.

I guessed it because it makes a sick kind of sense, doesn't it?

It looks like maybe Jason Todd is heading to the hospital to apologize!

Or maybe not!

The fight goes smoothly. The kids are saved. Jason Todd executes Suzie Su after giving her a chance to change her mind about the vendetta. She declares she'll never stop and he puts a bullet in her head and tells her, "I respect your decision."

More so than any other Red Hood story, this one makes sense. Jason Todd's morality might be a little off-kilter but this story defines it better than many of the others. He was killed by the Joker whom Batman would never kill. If Batman did believe in killing those society might think are not capable of redemption, many lives would ultimately have been saved, Jason's included. So Jason sees the murder of people that have caused harm as acceptable. In this case, Suzie Su threatens children and would go through with it if she could. And she declares she'll do that and worse in the future simply to seek revenge on Jason Todd. Jason even gives her a chance to declare she would change and she basically spits on his offer. So he kills her.

In Jason Todd's world and experience, that's the only decision that makes sense. So there. I found something good to say about one of Lobdell's stories!

After this is over, Jason Todd's new super spaceship intercepts Alfred's message about the Talons. And it seems Tim Drake has access to technology even more advanced than Crux's! So, you know, Waynetech?

You know, I'm not even going to speculate on how Tim Drake knew the message was being picked up by just one more receiver and then to know it was Jason Todd who was picking it up. FLACCID SCI-FI!

Red Robin asking Red Hood for help sends Jason Todd into a flashback just prior to Teen Titans #1. He's meeting with Tim Drake at Drake's apartment in New York. They exchange information. And they bond like the near brothers they kind of are.

This is the best page Lobdell has written. He lets the dialogue speak for itself and doesn't plague the reader with Narration Boxes telling us how Jason Todd feels about Tim Drake. The successful comics are doing this on a regular basis. This is good writing. Stop with the Narration Boxing, lazy writers!

Because Tim Drake has reached out, treating Jason with respect and care, Jason decides to stay over and help fight in the Night of the Owls. The person they're going to save? Victor Fries. Mister Fries. No, not like french fries! Like Freeze! Mister Freeze!

Red Hood and the Outlaws Issue #8 Rating: No change. This issue shows a trend for the better but I won't be giving this comic a rise in the ranks based on 1 comic out of 8 being done well. If #9 continues to show improvement (taking into account that it's a Night of Owls crossover so it might be a little bit slipshod), I'll give it a +1 next month.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #7

Why is Todd shooting her in the crotch? Is her Vagina as dangerous as Dove's?

This issue begins with Jason Todd forging Crux's way into Arkham Asylum. And here I thought he was going to become another member of the team! Jason Todd thinks what he did was wrong because Crux isn't going to get a trial or anything. He's just going to be shoved in a basement in Arkham and forgotten.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself! It's Arkham where a life sentence can be as short as six issues worth of Batman comics.

The good thing about meeting and defeating Crux came in the form of a space ship Crux created from his wildly improbable ability to gather alien technologies while even the most advanced scientists on the planet can't even track the dozens of alien objects orbiting the Earth. Now Red Hood and the outlaws (should that be capitalized? I don't think that should be capitalized) won't need to pay for plane tickets as they fly around the world defeating the Untitled.

Naming your antagonist race the "Untitled" is not cool or interesting. It's just boring. Is it supposed to evoke Lovecraft? Am I supposed to think that this race is so ancient and old that nobody over the course of all of those years could come up with a fitting moniker? How about the Copper Haters? Or the Transformerites? Or They Without Proper Faces? Those aren't any worse than the Daemonites! Okay, yes, they are. But I'm not being serious! And the people who created the Daemonites were being serious!

Are the Untitled going to show up in any of the other New 52 titles? If they do, it'll probably only be in Lobdell's titles. The Daemonites seem to already have a monopoly on ancient evil threats. I bet Lobdell runs around the DC offices trying to convince everyone that the Untitled are a much better threat than the Daemonites even though they're basically the same fucking thing! They're aliens that take on the form of humans. Good job on the unique creation, someone! I say someone because I don't know which came first: The Daemonite or the Untitled.

Starfire is pissed off about something as they take off from Gotham to wherever they're headed to next.

So Lex Luthor can continue to try to kill Superman with impunity?

Starfire's statement opens a whole schlorgbrusse of Tamaranean Flooguswhumps. While it would seem incredibly detrimental to a society that values sentience to allow anybody to kill any alien without fear of a jail sentence, it also helps to sweep away when a nagging philosophical questions about Superman killing Parademons. Have statutes been set up to allow for the killing of aliens without repercussions? Or do Earth Laws just not encompass this area of murder? Aliens, no matter how sentient or humanoid, can never be defined as a legal Earth person? It seems crazy.

Since Superman has been out of the closet for five to ten years and at least two alien invasions have taken place since then (Darkseid and Peraxxus. And Doomsday had to have happened, right?), I think it would be politically expedient to deal with laws surrounding aliens arriving on Earth. Which would make me believe that my supposition about statutes allowing for the killing of non-Earth beings exist. Except that this would be a political nightmare! What if some alien diplomat arrived on some farmer's field only to have his head blown off by a shotgun? It could cause a cosmic war! Although, with or without laws, that would probably happen and be a legally justified killing while defending one's property anyway, human or alien! So laws probably don't matter.

Lobdell may or may not have given this point a lot of thought. I mean, I think he did for his story. Kori feels bitter and unaccepted. She was already feared and had taken to solitude on an island to stay away from the bigotry and hatred and fear. And now she's upset that even the law doesn't recognize her as a person even though she's obviously a sexy sentient orgasm organism. And it helps to make the team earn the outlaw title a little bit more. But did he think about the implications across the rest of the New 52? Because it really does give most of the heroes an easy out to kill any alien beings they come up against without any moral concerns. Technically legal concerns but I'd be willing to bet the writers would use it in moral terms as in "Superman wouldn't think twice about killing parademons because they're just hostile aliens." Even though he is one. So now Aliens are the Other and can be thought of as nothing more than obstacles.

Back to the inside of their new space ship, Roy Harper has determined that Crux has developed a space ship better than Stormwatch's headquarters. Somehow this thing does everything. But it's most important feature is it lets Lobdell move the plot along without fussing over details and complications. The ship can hear anything spoken anywhere on the planet and responds to search commands. So if anyone thought it was going to be a problem having Jason Todd find all of the Untitled, problem solved. How about getting from location to location? Not a problem. Perhaps they need some other technology Lobdell forgot to mention when he explained this ship has a cloaking device (they'll never be found) and omni-satellite detection (they can find anything in Earth orbit) and deflection tech (they can't be shot down) and promethium self-replicating energy cells (they never need to refuel)? Don't worry! The ship can lead them back to Crux's workshop where he has loads and loads and loads of alien technology!

What do you call a "deus ex machina" when it's dropped into the protagonist's lap before any actual problem presents itself?

While the outlaws are flying to wherever they're flying to, Jason Todd's imaginary friend, Essence, shows up.

Starfire's boredom leads to Harper's boner.

This is what she looks like if you can see imaginary people:

See? That ass is unreal.

Jason Todd stabs her with his imaginary All-Blade which can only, apparently, be drawn in the face of absolute evil. What happens if the person wielding the All-Blade is evil? Can he draw it indiscriminately and go on a good person killing rampage?

So he pulls the blade and sabs Essence because he realizes she's betrayed the All-Caste and Jason himself. He also mentions that he has killed "one of the nine Untitled," so I guess the comic book will be over when he kills eight more. Which shouldn't be too hard now that he has a spaceship that can do anything and find anyone!

Before Jason Todd kills Essence, he gives her a chance to explain what happened to the All-Caste. So she tells her history and how it is tied to the Untitled and to Ducra and her All-Caste. It also makes the kind of horrible comic book nonsense that I just love to read!

Oh, Scott Lobdell. This is almost as succulent as Superboy answering questions in his virtual classroom from Superboy #1!

Here we see what I'd only assumed until now. The Untitled are super ancient, dude! It's like some kind of First Evil where a clan of old men created this super fighting woman to help fight evil Big Bads until the end of time!

First off, this happened long before words and almost before coherent thoughts. So here's Scott Lobdell's timeline for Ancient Man:

No Coherent Thoughts.
Clothing.
Weapons.
Coherent Thoughts.
Discovering a Pool of Ancient Evil and Convincing Everyone to Drink.
Almost Before Coherent Thoughts.
Words.

I also like that he has to explain that this ancient man without any words and barely any thought actually didn't reach for the stars first which was where maybe you thought this story was going? No, no! He didn't build a spaceship. He drank some water.

Sorry for the interruption, Essence. Go ahead with the rest of your story.

OMG! Essence is one of the nine Untitled! And so was Ducra, kind of. So that means only six left!

After story time, the fighting continues. During the tussle, Essence mentions that she was once "imprisoned in the black heart of Trigon!" What does Trigon have to do with Essence and anything in the recent history of DC Comics? I just remember him as having something to do with Raven from way back in the 80s. Essence also spouts some nonsense about what's wrong with humans and aliens seeing the world as they want to see it and not how it truly is. Please. Everyone sees it the way they see it, Essence. Even you. You just think your version is the truth the way everyone else thinks their version is the truth. Just because you're very old, you think you know the real way of things. That's called generational arrogance (at least that's what I'm calling it)! And it's colored by your own personal history. What about the Daemonites? And Merlin and Adam One's view of the truth since they were there at the creation of this universe! You're just a stupid child to them!

Actually, that's what he pretty much vowed to do, actually.

I guess Essence wasn't watching Jason Todd closely enough to know that his plan was to kill all of her siblings anyway. If she hadn't stopped by to try to convince him to continue killing the rest of the Untitled, he would have continued killing the rest of the untitled. But now that he knows who is manipulating everyone maybe he'll just kill Essence and be done with the whole Untitled crap! Essence seems to think he's not going to be any help anymore.

Since people like to differentiate between Science Fiction and Hard Science Fiction, I'm going to label Lobdell's writing as "Flaccid Sci-Fi."

So let me get this straight. The evil that you drank is older than the sun. Which means it was just floating around in space and was pulled into the gravitational forces which created our Galaxy and just happened to get stuck within the mass of material which ended up creating Earth? Or is it just super old and everywhere in the universe like a form of Evil Energy? And even if it is older than the sun, how does that make it a darkness that can't be dispelled by proper lighting? Could a star older than her darkness dispel her darkness? Lobdell just likes to make grand statements with no thought behind them at all. Thus, Flaccid Science Fiction.

Oh, but that's not the end of the awesome. Essence, like the Untitled before her, tells them how she can be killed! Remember that part where she says, "You know there is no weapon made by man hat can stop me." Well, Jason Todd doesn't take that for the poetic license it so obviously is. Because what can kill her then? Let's see. A tiger. A rock. A lightning bolt. A giant squid. Asphyxiation. Bowel cancer. Possibly some others I may have missed. Which one is Jason Todd going to use?

Oh, he doesn't use any of those! He uses one of those things I told you was a Pre-deus ex machina that the ship would provide. He scrounges around for awhile while Essence fights Starfire and Roy until he luckily finds an alien laser amidst the clutter. She disappears with a scream. Even Jason Todd can't hope that she's actually dead since he seems to know how comic books work. But he's happy that they won for now.

Notice how I didn't even mention the constant and incessant Narration Boxing of Jason Todd? That's because the rest of the normal comic was written so poorly, there was no need!

The issue ends when that super gigantic fat woman named Suzie Su from a few issues ago wakes up from a coma in a Gotham City hospital. Yes. She was shot in Hong Kong and her father flew her to Gotham City to be taken care of. It would not surprise me if Gotham City did have the best care unit for bullet wounds though! Suzie Su's father might also be from Gotham with lots of pull there too, so maybe that's the reason for it. I know nothing about this beast, so I can't say.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Issue #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. The whole Essence part of the story works in that it feels like it was set up since issue #1. So that's okay. But the writing really is terrible. Essence and the Untitled's origin story is just Buffy's origin with some modifications. And creating a ship that will solve all of their problems at the beginning of the story? I mentioned how it would solve their problems and then it did solve their problems by the end of the issue! I foresee this and Crux's other technology being the go to answer for any upcoming mystery. But mostly, just about any statement Lobdell writes that he may think sounds profound or ancient or exaggerated to get his point across (like "nearly before coherent thought!") just makes him look stupid because it is all nonsense when examined. No, not examined. Simply considered.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #6

Flashback episode?

 

I suppose the burning question Scott Lobdell has been getting at all the conventions has been, "Why are you such a crap writer?" And then the second most asked question was probably, "Why does DC let you write so many shit titles?" And then a few people probably ask him, "Are you ever going to explain how Red Hood and Starfire got together!?!" Well, people in the minority, your question will now be answered!

This issue begins one month before Issue #1 takes place. I can hardly fucking wait.

It's always a bad sign when a comic reminds me of Grifter.

Jason Todd has found himself aboard a submarine smuggling nuclear weapons into Miami. Because that's the first place I think of when I think black market for nuclear weapons. Jason Todd kills everyone on board and then escapes through a hole in the side of the submarine and then it explodes as he swims away.

So I guess he's dead from the shock-wave of the many nuclear weapons exploding aboard the sub.

Oh, no! He's not dead again. He wakes up on a deserted island being cared for by Starfire with some of her alien medical gadgets. So he might have died and her alien gadgets may have been powerful enough to bring him back to life. That's actually what I'm going to believe. Or maybe his resurrected zombie body can withstand shock-waves better than a normal person.

Starfire lives on her crashed Tamaranean Ship on this island in the ocean. Jason Todd has some questions.

He's gotten so much strength back that he ejected the word "shipwreck" from his speech bubble!

While Jason recuperates, he and Starfire spend some time getting to know each other. She has a bunch of Nightwing's old suits that she offers for him to wear but he declines since he hates Nightwing. Starfire doesn't understand and he confuses her so much that she actually uses a contraction at several points. Perhaps I'm just used to the way Starfire speaks in the Teen Titans cartoon. This is the New 52! Starfire is allowed to say it's and I'm and can't and didn't.

The cum dumpster dispenses some words of wisdom.

Fairly soon after this, Jason Todd notices that Roy Harper has been captured and is going to be executed in Qurac. Good thing the Tamaranean Warship has a strong wi-fi receptor.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Issue #6 Rating: No change. This story may have revealed how Jason Todd and Starfire met. But now I'm curious as to why Starfire was out on that island. Was she in self-imposed exile because of the humans that were afraid she was a walking nuclear reactor? Or was she there because of events in the Pre-New 52 Universe? So how many issues before Red Hood and Nightwing come to blows over Starfire?