Legion Lost #2

Probably somebody I've never heard of before this comic.

On the second page of Legion Lost, somebody's thought boxes describe what has happened to create this comic book series. I say somebody because I don't know these heroes at all so I don't know who the little star with wings icon belongs to that is supposed to identify the person thinking the thought boxes. The thought boxes say: "If the Legion of Super-heroes had stopped the xenophobic uprisings in the future -- a brother wouldn't have lost a sister ... grief wouldn't have become hatred ... and hatred wouldn't have led Alastor back in time to release a deadly plague." Now this sounds like a story that has been told in a past comic book series. But since is the New 52, there is not asterisk and note from the editor saying where or when this stuff happened like there normally would be. Which is one of the reasons why fans should be upset at DC's half-assed attempt at a reboot. I would like to know where and when this happened or if this is just part of a new story and the reader isn't supposed to know exactly what went on yet. Perhaps these events will happen in Legion at some future date. I don't know because DC refuses to place editorial notes explaining things that happened pre-New 52 in an illusion to make the New 52 seem like a fresh start.

For the most part, I don't care if this is a fresh start or not. I was hoping there would be more chances taken in the changes made since Flash fucked up something in the timeline in Flashpoint. But I would like a little more clarification on things that previously happened that actually affect what's happening in the current comic book I'm reading. Maybe I should be reading the Legion of Super-heroes Secret Origin Files comic that is out right now as well! That might clarify things!

The pathogen that was released by Alastor has turned at least one man, Doc Scanlon, into an 'energy-based life form that still thinks he's a man'. It seems these thought boxes are Wildfire's. Wildfire mentions that he, too, is an energy-based life form'. Or she. I don't know which one is Wildfire.

Perhaps Wildfire is a result of this pathogen having been released one thousand years before?

This pathogen was created to merge alien DNA with human DNA as a punishment against xenophobic extremists from the future. So this first person they find, Doctor Scanlon, has had his DNA merge with an alien energy being called a Teallian. Did Legion Lost just become a 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo comic? Are they going to have to hunt down the 24 people who supposedly died in Alastor's explosion but really just became infected with alien DNA? And will they all have some special relationship to one of the members to fill the story with pathos?

This one revolves around Wildfire and his thoughts because he's an energy being that must remain in a containment suit or he will disperse and be lost. So he's trying to help Doctor Scanlon to remain as human as possible. But the doctor refuses, embracing his new form and eventually dispersing completely. Wildfire is left feeling [Legion] Lost after the encounter. Did he feel like he failed the Doctor or did he fail himself? Why is he desperately clinging to a human form when he's something completely different now?

It seems he is clinging to the shape because he has people he cares about and needs to continue to be a part of their lives. The Doctor was new to town and had no family. He was essentially alone and he seemed tired and dragged down by life anyway. He saw his new form as an escape from the drudgery and loneliness his life had become.

So maybe Wildfire didn't fail anybody. It's just two different ways of reacting to the change and to being true to one's own needs and desires.

I read this issue fairly quickly and none of the art really needed to be scanned. A lot of the same stuff. A bunch of heroes flying around. A few explosions. Energy beings and mushroom clouds! I'm still not entirely sold on this comic and, generally, the 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo format is a bit of a cheat (even though I based my entire Dwarf Lover comic on the concept! But this concept seems a bit more like Lost which I loved. Maybe that's why it's called Legion Lost! So the comic highlights a specific character and the reader learns a bit about the character through flashbacks and how he deals with the conflict at hand. This comic is showing promise. From one I didn't give a shit about to one I think can be very interesting.

Blue Beetle #4

Between the end of last issue and the cover of this one, he's upgraded his weapon's technology!

I guess the Gatling Gun was discarded for three higher tech guns that probably start shooting as soon as you pull the trigger and the ammo feed doesn't get tangled up and jammed quite as easily. And since I'm discussing covers, what was up with the cover of Issue #3? Blue Beetle never fought The Brotherhood of Evil! That cover could have been used for Issue #1 although he barely fought them there. And it could probably be used for this issue too. But last issue, the Brotherhood was in Paris and Blue Beetle was in El Paso! Stupid lying covers.

The Brotherhood of Evil track down Paco because they kept his lowrider after their encounter in Issue #2. Paco belongs to a gang called Chuco-Thirteen and Silverback and the Brotherhood crash their pool party. Literally?

Worst pool game ever.

This issue is called Gorilla Warfare. I wonder how many DC comics have used that title when Gorilla Grodd or some other Ape Villain made an appearance. I'm going to say about six. Looking to the internet, I see that in 1999, DC had an Annual Crossover event called Gorilla Warfare. In 1992, Green Lantern and Flash had a crossover 4-part story arc called Gorilla Warfare. The Super Friends #30, 1976: "Gorilla Warfare Against the Humans". Power Girl #3, 2009: "Gorilla Warfare". That's all the DC Comics I discovered although there were some Marvel and Independent titles that used the name for storylines as well. It's just too easy! Come on, Tony Bedard, let's up our writing game a little!

And he's back to the Gatling Gun!

Paco runs away because he was almost killed by these guys before and now they've got a Robot Ape as well! But the rest of his gang act tough and, for some silly reason, believe they're going to defeat these Super Villains. They just end up shooting each other and their leader is tortured by Plasmus until he answers Silverback's questions about where to find Paco. The scene ends before I find out if he tattles but I'm willing to bet he tells them Paco hangs out with Jaime.

Back at school, Jaime is arguing with the Scarab. The Scarab removed the armor from Jaime but remained visible along his spine. Which his parents saw and believed was a tattoo. Probably a gang tattoo too! When Jaime tried to explain, the Scarab made him nearly vomit so he couldn't continue. So at school, he's trying to find out from the Scarab why nobody can know who he is. The Scarab says nobody can know and then Jaime is accosted by that blonde jock jerk.

That's going to expose your secret!

So the bug tries to transform in front of witnesses. I guess it doesn't matter to the Scarab since it probably means to kill these jocks. But it should still be more careful! How many comic books am I going to read where they express the utmost need for secrecy and then everyone starts blabbing?

Jaime is rescued from killing Joey the Jerko Jock by Rebecca. She also tells him that Paco visited her early in the morning with a strange tale about a backpack and some people looking for the backpack that had found Paco again. So Jaime rushes out of the bathroom and into the sky to search for Paco and protect him against The Brotherhood of Evil.

Meanwhile, Paco was sold out by his gangbanger friend and The Brotherhood of Evil is just outside his motel door! Luckily Blue Beetle is learning how to work with Alien Scarab and they also track Paco down just in time!

"The one with the Tinkerbell wings!"

Speaking of Tinkerbell wings (if you'll allow me to reference the picture captions), Silverback has done what I was asking someone to do: rethunk the fairy wings!

Seriously. Why do the wings need to look like Beetle's wings? Make them all armored like the rest of the costume!

That's about as good as The Brotherhood of Evil gets! Ripping one wing off of Blue Beetle. Because on the next page, Blue Beetle arms his neural scramblers (which, Magic Scarab states, could be lethal!) and zaps the bejeezus out of Silverback and Plasmus!

Several things I like about this page: the noise Silverback makes, Warp saying Mon Dieu to show that he's French before retreating, and the fact that the real Brotherhood of Evil leaves Silverback behind when fleeing. Okay, I didn't scan that last panel. But it happens!

After defeating these guys, Jaime forces Magic Scarab to remove the Blue Beetle mask so he can get some air. Paco sees that it's Jaime inside the suit and runs out to greet him. Which probably wasn't the best thing to do when there's a paranoid Magic Scarab running the show.

Whoops!

Four issues in and Blue Beetle has won me over. Unlike some of the other comics, it's continuing to build on the plot points of earlier issues. In other words, it's telling a coherent story over time instead of just changing things around to fit the moment. I'm interested to see where this comic goes. Just like I'm interested in Hawk and Dove except this book is better executed than that one. So Blue Beetle can gain another rank.

Blue Beetle #3

Someone needs to rethink the Fairy Wings on Blue Beetle's costume.

CORRECTION (like a real journalist!): La Dama's Wolf Guy from last issue did not kick The Brotherhood of Evil's ass. In one panel, it just looked like he had the upper hand on Plasmus which is absolutely ridiculous in hand to hand combat. But then a few panels later, Wolf Guy is choked to death by Plasmus. If he wasn't actually killed, I guess I'll be issuing another correction or retraction next time.

I wish The Brain were fighting with the rest of The Brotherhood of Evil. Why doesn't The Brain get more action? Someone could rig up one of those chest baby carriers for The Brain and strap him onto the front of Monsieur Mallah! Then The Brain could talk really smart and literary and scientifically accurate trash at Blue Beetle as they fight! Maybe it's time to write a comic script to send to DC for rejection!

While Jaime has been getting to know the Alien Scarab, his parents have discovered that he's sneaked out of his bedroom to go to the party. They call Paco but Paco doesn't have any idea what the fuck just happened last issue since he was busy losing consciousness and being nearly killed. And back in Paris, Phobia, Plasmus, and Warp are getting their asses handed to them by some new boss that isn't The Brain but is off-panel, so nobody knows who he is at all!

While everyone else is freaking out, Jaime is having a discussion with the alien bug implanted into his spine. He learns the Scarab calls itself Khaji-Da, that it is alien in origin, that it can shut stupid yapping dogs up with a Hypersonic Gun and this:

Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Back at La Dama's casa, Brutale (Burlap Sack Head), Rompe-Huesos (Day of the Dead), and Coyote (Wolf Guy!) have returned. None of them are dead although they should all be. None of the thugs can add up what happened but La Dama gets it because she probably knows what the Scarab Relic she was after does. Which means she suspects Jaime is Blue Beetle.

The Hive People Space Lackeys arrive in Earth orbit and locate Khaji-Da. Since they cannot contact it wirelessly, they decide Khaji-Kai will contact him directly.

You know, it's amazing how many space vehicles can wind up in Earth orbit without anyone on Earth (scientist, astronomer, super hero, nerd with a telescope) noticing. Doesn't the JLA have a satellite in this continuity? Not only is Earth's orbit filled with space junk, now it's cluttered up with Peraxxus's ship and the Space Beetle's ship, and an unconscious Superman, and Brother Eye, and Simon Tycho's satellite fortress, and probably a lot more shit that I'm forgetting. And that's just in the first four issues of the New 52.

Jaime's family is freaking out because he's still missing even though he's just standing in his yard arguing with the space bug lodged in his spine. He can't get it to cooperate with him and remove the ridiculous blue bug suit it's covered him in.

Why not the Holy Grail and the Spear of Destiny as well?

La Dama is flipping out because she paid a lot of money for the bug but never received delivery. So she resorts to drastic magical measures (or dragical measures) to locate the Scarab.

Oh, okay. Now Coyote is dead. Also, she's saying, "Mekka lekka heigh mekka hiney ho."

So La Dama locates Blue Beetle. About the same time, Jaime manages to override the Scarab and force it to remove his armor. He's gaining more control over the Scarab while the Scarab is going to end up being his version of Skeets. How this relationship is going to work is beyond me since the Scarab's mission is to destroy the world and Jaime's mission is to finish high school. When Jaime takes back control, the Space Beetle Patrol notice and can't believe what they're seeing. A host taking control? Inconceivable!

It looks like all hell is about to break loose in Jaime's backyard since La Dama and the Space Beetle Patrol know Jaime's location. But, you know, what the hell. Let's throw in The Brotherhood of Evil and their new partner.

Wow. A metal monkey with a handheld Gatling gun.

I'm not sure I should be reading comic books. It's things like this that I can't stand but it's standard comic book fare. Final page reveal of the new big bad villain (I refuse to merely say Big Bad, okay? Good? We're five by five then?). Especially when it's supposed to be the new guy who will definitely get it done because he's the best in the fucking business who has never failed before ever! And then he's a robot monkey with a big gun. He alone is supposed to be better than Warp, Phobia, and Plasmus? The only way Warp, Phobia, and Plasmus couldn't take care of the thing that needs taking care of is if the writer doesn't want them too. They've got some really good powers to complement each other! They don't need a damn dirty robot ape with an attitude!

I'd really love it if Silverback was killed almost immediately next issue. Maybe if the Brotherhood of Evil had a bigger bank account, they could have hired Goldback or Platinumback instead! Amirite?

Overall, I like where this comic is going. I don't think it's one that I would continue to read if I wasn't doing this stupid project. But that isn't really an exclusive club! I think a lot of these titles will suffer a bit for at least the first year as they try to establish their place in the DCnU. They need some of their own history without relying on the past history with which new readers won't be familiar. And I think a lot of them could use a heaping tablespoon of fun and whimsy. Blue Beetle's got a lot more than some of the others and I still feel it could be more fun. That's the ingredient missing from a number of these titles: they just aren't fun. Maybe some are trying to be too serious. Serious has its place and its time. But intersperse it with fun and you'll have a comic people will want to pick up.

Also, keep the story chugging along. Don't fill up two out of your first four issues with overly long fight scenes that don't do anything except get the story from Point A to Point B where those points could have been connected by just a few pages. I'm looking at you, Supergirl!

Blue Beetle #2

When does Ted Kord come back?

Jaime has just turned into the Blue Beetle and doesn't quite understand what is happening yet. The Scarab has covered him in armor and turned him into some kind of terminator unit. Jaime can see his target's brains and hearts since those are the best places to blast away for a lethal hit. I don't yet know what Blue Beetle blasts when he attacks because Jaime is refusing to follow the Scarab's orders to kill Burlap Sack Head and Day of the Dead.

Burlap Sack Head's costume would be dangerous to run around in.

Jaime grows giant claw fingers and stabs both villains through the chest. With all five stabby talons. Five for Day of the Dead on his left hand and five for Burlap Sack Head on his right hand. Right through the chest and out their backs. Nice row of giant holes. He does this when he gets emotional about his friend and he yells as he stabs them. This speech bubble has a blue ring around it. I don't know if that means he's currently being controlled by the Scarab or if it's just emphasizing his anger. Either way, these guys could easily be dead even though Jaime doesn't want to kill anyone.

If you don't want to kill anyone, stop acting so stabby.

The Scarab seems perplexed that Jaime isn't following orders. I doubt it's because Jaime is so much stronger than every other creature that was ever host to the Blue Beetle. It's probably because Green Lantern damaged this Scarab in a critical way.

Jaime finds his way back to Paco's car where the Brotherhood of Evil are getting their asses handed to them by Wolfguy. Which seems a bit odd since Phobia should be making him see spiders and Warp should be warping his arms off and Plasmus should just, you know, be disintegrating him in goo.

I prefer saying "Cabra de Dios".

Blue Beetle picks up Paco and pulls him to safety, leaving the Brotherhood of Evil needing to track him down next issue. And hopefully they're headed to the party now for some high school drama.

La Dama, Brenda's aunt, collects some pretty cool stuff. She wants the Scarab for this collection.

Jaime drops Paco off at the party but La Dama's guards put up a fight. He commands his suit to take out the guards in a non-lethal manner and it attacks them with flying bugs. If that's all he has to do to fight, this comic book isn't going to be very exciting!

Blue Beetle: OH NOES! I'M UNDER ATTACK!
Scarab: Kill them.
Blue Beetle: NO! YOU STOP THEM NICELY!
Scarab: Done.

I'm sure he'll get more control as the issues pass (if he doesn't get cancelled in the next wave!). Although why would he want more control when he doesn't even need to think up a way to take down his enemies. He's one step beyond a Green Lantern now! Green Lantern has to imaginate a light creation to knock out an enemy. Blue Beetle just has to wish for the guy to be knocked out. I suppose it makes sense since one Scarab alone is meant to take out an entire planet and get it ready for the Hivemasters.

Speaking of the Hivemasters, they're on their way! They got a message from the Scarab when it activated. They'd thought it destroyed hundreds of years ago. This has never happened before so they decide to go investigate immediately. Well, the Hivemasters don't. The crew that preps the worlds for the Hivemasters are heading to Earth. You know, to prep it. Which means to destroy it and web it up like a big space spider cocoon.

This issue of Blue Beetle continues the origin stuff so it's still kind of hard for me to judge how I feel. It's telling the story well. It's got a fairly decent sized cast with new as well as old enemies. I think La Dama can be interesting. As of this reading, I have Blue Beetle ranked one below Voodoo. Neither comic is great but I've read four issues of Voodoo and just two of Blue Beetle. Voodoo may have a more intriguing story than Blue Beetle, so I'll leave Blue Beetle where it is. If it continues to be decent (yeah, just decent. Big pressure, BB!), I'll move it up a rank past Voodoo after next issue.

Hawk and Dove #4

The editors said, "Come on, Rob. At least give us three feet on the cover."

Look at that fist! LOOK AT IT! It is magical!

Hawk and Dove have Condor in police custody. This issue is called "The Interrogation" so I think they're going to be asking him questions. I wonder how they're going to get the fight scene in place? He'll probably slip in the word 'Condor' at some point so he can surprise them with his transformation. Maybe he'll get them talking about the Wizard of Oz and he'll say, "They really shouldn't pick on dorothy!" and WHAMMO! CONDOR! That'll surprise the bird poop out of them!

For some wacky reason, Condor won't tell them anything. Seriously! Who would have guessed? He was all Chatty Cathy in the White House during the big melee, telling them his name and why he was after them and mentioning the Circle! And now, nothing! What a jerk! So Hawk decides to threaten him for awhile. This will probably end with somebody missing an ear.

No, you don't play good cop, bad cop. You just lie and lie and threaten and lie and wear down and lie and lie and lie until you get a confession!

Since it's an interrogation comic, the fight scene comes as a flashback to Dove and Swan's fight in the white house. It turns out Dove isn't exactly the biggest peacenik in Peacetopia. Swan makes her angry and Dove wrings Swan's neck. Ha ha! But then Swan throws her knife at Dove and stabs Dove in the back! And there's a big flash of ligt and Swan seems to be consumed by Dove.

I think Swan was sucked into Dove's vagina.

What actually happened was Swan was somehow transferred to another plane of existence when Dove's body was pierced. She's now incorporeal and hanging around with Deadman. Maybe if Deadman would just break up with Dove already, he wouldn't be about to die.

This is actually a pretty nice looking panel. I think the Inker, Adelso Corona, is to thank for it.

Deadman is sucked away into yet a different layer of existence (I think. He disappears, anyway) and then there's a giant explosion as Science Terrorist Quirk's Monster of Mass Destruction blow a hole in the precinct's wall and escape with Old Man Condor.

And that's it for the interrogation. Hawk and Dove learn a little something about the Circle. It seems that there are multiple Avatars of War. Osprey may have been one of them. But even Condor and Swan don't understand exactly what Dove is. Except the bad writing makes them seem to understand what's going on with her as an Avatar of Peace becoming more violent hanging around with the Avatar of War. And then they don't know what she is at all later. And then they know exactly what will happen if they stab her with their magic sword. But they still don't get her. Or something.

Condor and Swan are free to find more War Avatars and suck their power and Deadman has gone missing. And I guess Science Terrorist Quirk and his MoMD are still on the loose. This was a decent issue with a more explanations about Hawk and Dove which keeps the story interesting. But then Hawk is downed with a single blast from a stunner gun so that Condor can get away while Dove fights Robot Zombies. So that's lazy writing. Just invent something to knock the super powerful Avatar of War out in one panel so that we can get Condor out the door.

I think Hawk & Dove can remain at their current ranking.

Hawk and Dove #3

Shouldn't the Avatar of Peace talk it out?

Well, that depends entirely on their gender.

A fight breaks out before anybody can be spayed or neutered! Although, if I'd been Dove, I would have answered, "Spayed!", and then watched to see exactly how Condor would achieve that with President Obama. "Where the fuck are his ovaries?!"

By all means, let me answer all of your questions before I kill you and steal your power!

As the fight continues, two secret service agents barge in and one instantly gets his head bitten off by Condor. Bitten right off! So Hawk, um, tackles? Condor in an effort to keep him from biting off the other guy's head.

What does he mean by 'dessert'?!

Oh! That's what he means by dessert!

Dove and Swan continue to fight in the other room. Swan teaches Dove a little bit about how a Swan's Song brings death and then she disappears to go sing it in another room. Swan can also breathe fire but not like Etrigan. It looks like she has to spit it up in her hand and then she can make letters out of it and then the fire shoots bullets at its intended target. Or fireballs.

Back to Hawk and Condor, they've fallen into the kitchen with a couple of bored cooks.

And he's still making stupid food jokes. Or is it a sado-masochistic sex joke?

And their costumes are so similar, even the Letterer can't tell who is supposed to be speaking!

Deadman arrives on the scene (or has been on the scene the whole time, the lousy stalker) to help out. First he helps out the president and Judge Hall and then he decides to help out Hawk by trying to take over Condor. But when he does, this happens:

Would this same kind of thing happen if he tried to possess Hawk or Dove as well?

Condor and Swan keep mentioning something called The Circle which they and Hawk and Dove all belong to. Hawk and Dove know nothing about it and Condor and Swan believe that makes them weak because they aren't utilizing their full powers. Condor has been tracking down members of this Circle (Avatars but of what I do not know) and consuming them to add to his power. Just as he's about to devour Hawk, he seems to be about to mention that he did this to the original Dove!

Dove? Doogie Howser? Doughnuts?

The fight between Dove and Swan ends off panel and Dove refuses to tell Hawk what happened during this issue. But Dove does arrive with Swan's blade to commit a pretty nasty act of violence for an Avatar of Peace!

This is why Condor doesn't finish his thought in the previous panel.

After this, Condor is reduced to an old man. And Hawk is ready to interrogate him next issue!

I know I said if this issue were an entire fight scene, I'd drop Hawk and Dove one rank. And it was an entire fight scene. But it actually has interesting things going on in the story. We've got some mystery and some changes coming to Hawk and Dove. And while the execution has quite a few problems, I'm actually interested! So I'm going to move it up one rank ahead of Legion Lost and let Legion Lost prove that it should be ahead of Hawk & Dove after four issues!

Hawk and Dove #2

Do Hawk and Dove only fight bird villains?

Kestrel versus Condor

Well, pardon the fuck out of me! The surprise villain from the end of last issue was Condor and not Kestrel! Maybe if Liefeld had a little more imagination and I could remember the colors of a minor crappy character's costume (a character I shouldn't have recalled at all anyway!), I might have gotten it right. I just didn't think Liefeld would actually create three different characters (counting Hawk) that all wear the same costume.

OH HAI OSPREY!

Shit. Four different characters counting this guy, Osprey. Yeah, yeah, I get it. It's a theme. The Lords of Chaos and Order Gods of War and Peace like their Avatars to wear matching outfits. I think Kestrel was the Avatar of Murder. I don't know who Osprey and Condor are the avatars of. I think Condor might be the Avatar of Cannibalism.

Anyway, Osprey is manacled to a free standing metal (possibly plastic) chair in the middle of an empty warehouse. At least I think he's manacled. He's shown on the first page with big metal cuffs on his wrists. But since Liefeld avoids drawing his hands and his feet, it's really hard to tell. But from what I see, Osprey should just stand up and fight back! Even if his hands are chained together and the chain goes under the seat of the chair, it's just a lousy auditorium chair! It's not like it's bolted to the ground! Although I guess it could be since Liefeld never shows his feet.

Condor has been searching for this Osprey guy for a long time so that his sidekick, Rachel Felps, can kill him and absorb his Avatarness. Which is what she does! And then she begins speaking in tongues!

She's saying, "An indecipherable language, this is." Also, notice that Osprey doesn't even have manacles at this point!

After killing Osprey, Rachel takes a new name which transforms her into an Avatar.

She has feet! But that means fists instead of open hands. Don't ask Liefeld to do both in one picture!

I don't know how this Avatar thing works. Once she gets the power, does she need to say the name of a bird to become an Avatar? Or can she say any word? Whatever bird she says, will her costume look exactly the same except for the cape and color? Does the name she chooses somehow decide what Avatar she becomes? Or is she whatever Avatar Osprey was but with a new name and boobs?

Whatever the case, Swan and Condor head off in search of Hawk and Dove. I'd still like to know who Swan, Condor, and Osprey are the Avatars of! But I don't think Sterling Gates is going to supply that information because he's too busy writing award winning dialogue.

That should be Delta's slogan: "No need to fly when we can just smash!"

I think asking a big dumb stupid ape if he realizes what his name means is a fair question. I'm sure Sterling thought he would have a great moment in the comic where he addresses this issue and his was all he could come up with. I imagine he ran about the DC Offices going up to people saying, "Have you ever noticed that Hawk is named after a bird and yet he can't fly?!" I always think the same thing about Robin!

Oh! Is Robin an Avatar as well? And Raven? I think Raven is the Avatar of Hell and Robin is the Avatar of Suck.

Hawk and Dove are busy destroying the Science Terrorist's lab and his Monsters of Mass Destruction when Deadman barges in to check up on Dove. And even though Hawk bitched and moaned all last issue about how he couldn't stand the way Dove acted as his partner, and he whined and cried to his daddy about how that woman was ruining the whole gig, he acts like he cares for two panels! Just enough time to make Deadman jealous!

He doesn't give a fuck if she's okay.

Don't worry, Deadman. You'll be breaking up with her in Justice League Dark pretty soon anyway.

Hawk isn't doing this to make Deadman jealous on purpose since he has no idea Deadman is there. Hawk is doing this because the writer, Mr. Sterling Gates, wanted to create some drama and conflict even if he had to ignore the Hawk character that he was writing in Issue One.

Hawk and Dover finish killing the zombie robots (I think they're minor OMACs) and head off to a dinner in honor of Hank's Dad. Here is Hank's dad telling a strange woman the background for the banquet.

Why is she so shocked? Why is she hugging him and twiddling his tie?

I was just going to post that panel but I need to post the entire page so you can see just how ridiculous this moment is. Did Liefeld think this woman was the Judge's date when he drew this? But she's just some usher or something who calls him Mr. Hall and he calls her miss! And she never appears again!

Hank's dad invited an old girlfriend of Hank's. Her name is Ren so if she has an Avatar, you know what it's name will be! Sparrow! Here is an awkward picture of her.

"I am a robot Barbie. My dress has a belly button. Beep."

And then all hell breaks loose when Condor and Swan bust in on the festivities.

Condor choking Judge Hall and almost but not quite choking the President. Yeah, yeah. That's the president. Can't you tell? It's a black man in a tuxedo! Hmm, that wasn't meant to sound like a racist joke! It was meant to be a jab at Liefeld and how he can't actually do likenesses! Hell, he can't even make Condor's hand touch the president!

After this issue, I'm not changing Hawk & Dove's rank at all. Sure, I complained a lot. And maybe I enjoyed the comic more than I should have because I just love pointing out all of the stupid shit in it! But the story is, at least, moving along. Characters have slightly better motivations than just wanting to kill someone or protect something. Although Condor just wants to kill stuff. Maybe I'm being too nice! But it is only Issue #2! Things can really break down if Issue #3 is simply a long ass fight between Hawk and Swan and Condor and Dove.