Justice League 3000 #4

My girl here can shape reality. So she's about to bang Green Lantern 3000 in the ass. God I love her.

I just read last issue so I don't have to remind myself what happened!

Last commentary, I guessed that the only two members of The Five that have not been revealed were Validus and Aquaman 3000. This issue begins by reminding me that one of The Five is called "The Convert." But don't worry! I didn't screw up! I just forgot about my theory that The Convert was actually Aquaman 3000! He just had to change his name because a guy that controls fish isn't worth a damn in outer space. But Aquaman 3000 probably forgot that he could only telepathically control sea creatures and now he goes around controlling humans instead. Hopefully he also forgot that he was the lamest hero in the DC Universe!

Oh, don't roll your eyes at me! I'm a Master Comic Book Reader! And if I say Aquaman is lame then Aquaman is lame! It's an objective fact thoroughly researched by a near Grandmaster Comic Book Reader (that'd be me! Just a few more levels!)! The only people that don't think Aquaman is lame are people who love underdogs (which, by the way, doesn't earn him points towards not being lame) and thrive on telling other people why they're complete idiots and that Aquaman is more than a guy that talks to fish. Yes, he is. But it doesn't make him interesting. Sure, I was tricked into thinking that The New 52 Aquaman was a terrific character for a few issues! But then I realized we were getting the exact same Aquaman stories we always got! Talking to fish. Dueling Black Manta. War with Atlantis. War with the surface. Battling whalers.

Also, never mind the fact that I have the Aquaman Series ranked as one of the Top Ten Comics of The New 52! There's bound to be an odd discrepancy or two in such a complex system! Seriously! I hate Aquaman! The fact that I'd recommend picking up his series doesn't change that fact at all!

And don't bother reading any of my Aquaman commentaries because they'll just piss you off. It's just a lot of "Aquaman can go eat a whale's ass for all I care" and "Why doesn't Aquaman just swim straight down a Great White's throat?" and

10 PRINT "FUCK AQUAMAN"
20 GOTO 10"

and "Once again, Aquaman manages to bore me into eating my own feces." That's probably the kind of stuff you don't want to read. So I don't recommend reading any of them. Ever.

Well shit. I guess I'll have to fucking change my terminology, won't I?!

I'd just like to point out that I'm not drunk and taking pictures of the comic with a camera phone nor am I scanning them helter-skelter. The panel layouts in this comic book are atrocious! Was it Howard Porter that I suggested needed to buy a T-Square when drawing Demon Knights? Maybe. Although it also could have been Chad Hardin. One of those guys! But obviously Howard Porter needs to lay off the Thunderbird when doing the layouts.

Terry (or Teri. Whichever one is the female Wonde...um, half of the scientific work team) is flipping the fuck out because Locus killed The Flash 3000. That wasn't supposed to happen. But Teri (or Terry!) points out that they can just clo...create a new Barry Allen from the samples of DNA they have lying around. Hmm. That seems an awful lot like the C-word. I guess I'm just too stupid to understand scientific processes.

Oh my God! I would like this comic book so much more if they were cupcakes!

Ariel keeps muttering about lives being lost due to the Justice League. And the Wonderful Twins mentioned that the Justice League volunteered for the job. So it seems like regular people are volunteering to have the Justice League's minds and DNA imprinted over their bodies. This is probably what causes some of the anomalies in the personalities, like how Wonder Woman is way bloodthirstier than she's ever been (although Geoff Johns' Wonder Woman comes pretty close) and Superman is a moronic douche. That also means that Giffen and DeMatteis can have a hell of a lot of fun with these characters as they kill one every few issues only to bring back an alternate version that has yet another personality quirk! Man, I hope that's the case. If it's not, I just got really excited about this comic book to only wind up really disappointed over this comic book in a few pages.

She explains the process in-depth on a previous page but that page was all scientific and technical and boring! This page had all the pathos! And ethos! And logos!

Once Ariel makes her shocking revelation, the Sheriff reveals that he's currently being borrowed by The Convert. The JL3k Gang are screwed! Plus the reader has been screwed because this comic book hasn't been about Locus at all! Stupid cover. Kali appears though. And she is modeled after the Hindu Goddess of Change or Time or Destruction. Those are all pretty much the same thing. I thought she might be the Goddess of Surf and Sun but no luck.

Hal, you idiot! She totally wants you! Although I'm glad you're not into it because I'd get mighty jealous watching you touch my sweetheart with your disgusting, dead-person's tongue.

Now that Green Lantern has his magic cape back, he can escape! Although it doesn't make any sense! He's called Green Lantern but his power derives from his cape! That's so stupid! It's as if Giffen and DeMatteis have never read a Green Lantern comic book where he uses a...oh. Yeah. A cape works just fine!

Hal gets his power back but he's still a teeny tiny person that smells like he recently passed through an adorable colon. So instead of fighting Locus, he decides to run. Which doesn't go over too well with my baby.

You know, Locus, I'm kind of on Hal's side in his decision to leave. You are the one that refused to let him hang out with his best friend by murdering his best friend in the most grisly way possible. This break-up is kind of on you, hon.

Locus prefers break-ups to be final. None of this circling around the matter repeating the same shit over and over again, Jeff-and-Melanctha-style. Locus rips Green Lantern's magic cape from his body so that he'll suffocate in the vacuum of space.

Now that I've had time to think it over, you were right to keep Hal from Barry, Locus! You were also correct in your decision to kill Hal. That was a very good decision, Locus. Very good! You always do the right thing, don't you Locus? Yep! Locus always knows what's best, doesn't she?!

Back at Cadmus, Barry Allen is resurrected inside the body of another volunteer. He also gets to keep his memories of his previous resurrection. So basically the Justice League are playing a reality video game which allows them to respawn with their memories intact after they've been killed. And it appears Cadmus has more DNA samples than just the Big Five.

I bet somebody "accidentally" misplaced the Aquaman DNA.

Justice League 3000 #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think this is a pretty good concept for a futuristic version of the Justice League. They may be able to keep being resurrected but their is a price to pay for doing so. Now that Batman knows the truth, he'll probably demand that he never be resurrected again if he dies. Otherwise he's responsible for a person's death. Although Cadmus isn't above being completely underhanded, so I'm sure they'll just resurrect Batman with his memories before he found out the truth. We have seen that The Wonder Twins have some qualms about the process as well, so I doubt it will be treated as a never ending supply of Justice League members. Although I won't mind if it's used that way! As long as they don't bring back Condor or Green Arrow!

Justice League 3000 #3

I think this prison planet is where Kid Flash and Solstice wind up.

As I got to Justice League 3000 #4 in my pile of "To Read" comics, I realized I had never read Issue #3. So after reading Batman #29 this morning, I had to take a walk to my local comic book store to pick up an emergency copy. Luckily they still had one left. I also gave them a piece of my mind for forgetting to pull this comic for me! I looked sternly at the tattooed man behind the counter and said, "Can I please get my 25% discount on this book which somehow didn't make it into my pull box?" And he said, "Sure! No problem! That happens sometimes." And I said, "Yeah, it was probably my fault for not adding it to my pull list in time." Take that, Comic Book Store Employee! Next week, you'll think twice before messing with my Subscription Box!

Last issue, Flash 3000 was torn apart and I don't think Locus put him back together. Green Lantern 3000 was lucky enough to find his way inside Locus. And the Other 3000s wound up on Takron-Gestalt 3000, Prison Planet of Ultimate Enslavement. Also, I declared my never dying love for Locus.

"--that the Justice League is our last, best hope!" This is a pretty succinct synopsis of the general plot of the book.

The Five referenced here are this future's version of The Fatal Five, the evil team of evils that the Legion of Super-heroes sometimes have to defend against. I know this because one of them is The Persuader. Another one of The Five is Coeval which is a stupid name but what can you do? It's the year 3000 and all the good names have probably already been taken. But now the JL3k Gang have to take a break from saving the Commonwealth so that they can save themselves. Which they probably can't do because Locus is so cute, she's sure to defeat them.

Forget Locus defeating them. Once they arrive on Takron-Galtos (which the JL3k Gang say looks like a living hell even though it looks like Manhattan), they begin bickering. I don't think they can even manage to act like a team long enough to remember what their mission was.

We get it! It's only Issue Three and you've beaten it into the reader's brains that these are imperfect copies of the former Justice League!

Batman surrenders to the authorities because the authorities threaten to kill civilians if the JL3k Gang don't surrender. Wonder Woman 3000 seems to have lost all of her heart and compassion since being cloned for the 3000th time, so she doesn't give a fuck. Superman 3000 has lost his brains and his humility. I guess that means Batman 3000 has lost his courage. Which is why he surrenders! I suppose that makes The Flash 3000 Toto? And Green Lantern 3000 is The Wizard of Oz because Oz is Emerald and also because he can grant people's wishes. As long as the want a material object and they don't mind that it's composed entirely of green light.

Back on Locus One, homeworld of Locus, Locus mentions that she's one of The Five. I just thought she was an underling! So that makes three of The Five revealed: Locus, Coeval, and The Persuader. I bet the other two are Validus and Aquaman 3000.

Is it wrong for me to be so turned on by the idea of Locus expelling me like she did Green Lantern?

Locus begins acting a little bit crazy but not quite enough for me to lose my love boner for her. Although when she says she's tired of "giving it away for free and getting nothing in return," I begin to get nervous. What she wants in return for some hanky panky is flowers and songs and romance. Does that mean she just doesn't enjoy the fucking part of the relationship? Because I don't want to engage in coitus with somebody that is only engaging in it to satisfy me or to manipulate me or because they think it's expected of them. I want to bang somebody else that enjoys the banging! Maybe Locus just hasn't found the right bang buddy yet! Maybe her partners tend to go into the act a bit nervous because they know she can disappear their crotch on a whim.

Hal doesn't want anything to do with Locus because he must not realize how adorable she is. He must be blind because even with her psychotic ranting, I'd at least try to work it out! It's like Hal has an iron will allowing him to rebuke her charms!

Back on Takron-Galtos, the JL3k Gang have a Planet of the Apes moment.

I thought this place seemed familiar.

Meanwhile, Ariel Masters, the fugitive from Cadmus and the JL3k Project, makes another appearance. She's on Bradbury Seven which I guessed was Earth in a previous commentary but I'd forgotten about that until just now. So apparently I just go around guessing that every planet is Earth and just got lucky with Techron-Gatos

It turns out Ariel is friends with the Sheriff of Tekron-Gatos and he's calling her to let her know he's hanging out with a few of her Pet Projects 3000. Ariel has too much curiosity about what The Twins wound up accomplishing with her Pet Project 3000, so she teleports back to Tekron-Gatos to visit with her babies. Her Babies 3000.

Coeval notices her transportation and mentions another member of The Five: Kali. I bet she has a sunny disposition! Or lots of death. One of those!

Justice League 3000 #3 Rating: No change. I'm a fan of the art. I'm a fan of the science fiction world. I'm almost a fan of the protagonists. They just need to stop reminding me that they're (maybe?) Nth Iteration Clones of the original Justice League. I'm a super fan of Locus and her perky dysfunction! But I'm underwhelmed by the entire package so far. This may be the only time you'll ever see me write this, so read it closely: I really fucking hope Aquaman appears!