Sunday, February 18, 2024

Justice League Europe #46 (January 1993)

Why does Sonar have three front teeth?

You know I'm seriously perplexed by Sonar's teeth when I fail to first mention how Power Girl's ass is the focal point of this cover. I wanted to say something like, "Hasn't Ron Randall ever seen a person wearing pants?" but I quickly realized it's 2024, not 1992, and women go everywhere in yoga pants meaning that Power Girl's ass in clothing looking just like an ass out of clothing is just common life these days. And thank God it is, by the way! I'm not judging! I'm anti-judging! Women might not wear enough yoga pants in public if I were being truthful and disgusting! Sure, sure! It's just about comfort! I get that. But the male gaze lives and breathes and refuses to die no matter the intent of women! We will leer and drool and think horrendously filthy thoughts even though you just want to get your coffee without somebody thinking about your butthole. I'm just here to say that it can't be helped! What can be helped is making a righteous, disgusting dick of yourself, guys. Keep those thoughts in your head. Don't think your disgusting imagination is reality! Leave women alone! You know what? Leave men alone too! Leave everybody alone in public aside from some minor niceties and politenesses! But also, women, wear more yoga pants! And sun dresses! Especially on breezy days!

You may have noticed that I embrace my perverse male gaze. But that's because I'm writing about it on a stupid blog that nobody has to visit and read. I'm not out in public waving my male gaze for everybody to see and be irritated by and possibly fearful of! I'm a comic book reader! We're gross and disgusting! And I'm not just talking about the guys!

This issue begins with John Belushi in Russia standing on a bread line.

Do young people even know who John Belushi is anymore?

I remember right around the time I would have been reading this comic book, I was volunteering back stage at the local junior theater to help move the bigger sets between scenes. I mentioned John Belushi to a couple of the kids as we were hanging out back stage and one of them said, "You mean Jim Belushi's brother?" That may have been the first time I felt old. Not even 21 yet! I think I fake angrily replied, "What? No, no! Jim Belushi is John Belushi's brother! Not the other way around!" Then I punched him in the face and threw his body in the creek behind the building and I felt young again.

Catherine discovers some intel about how the Rocket Reds might be invading Ukraine and other former Soviet republics to reform the USSR from twin Meat Loafs.

They would do anything for the re-integration of the former Soviet republics into a grand, sprawling collection of Communist states again but they won't do that.

Catherine has been unsuccessful at getting in touch with Justice League Europe to let them know her new intel. She's been keeping tabs on the entire League but can't figure out what happened to The Flash and Doctor Light. She also doesn't know where Crimson Fox is but she sort of shrugs over that information and thinks, "Do any of us ever really know where Crimson Fox is?" That's because Flash and Doctor Light have actually been kidnapped by the bad guys. Catherine searching for them makes sense in advancing the plot. But if she were to search for Crimson Fox, it would just waste everybody's time, especially mine. We know she's out fucking Rex Mason.

The Flash and Doctor Light have not only been kidnapped by Sonar's men, they've been strapped into a sonic brainwashing machine to make them loyal to Sonar. The Rocket Reds have already undergone the treatment and fallen to Sonar's clutches. Being that a test I took about forty years ago told me that I have the reading comprehension of an American senior high school student, I think that means Sonar is actually the one invading Ukraine!

Meanwhile, Power Girl and Aquaman arrive in Atlantis to the cheers of Atlantean throngs.

Isn't this just an old Sea Monkey advert?

Instead of getting to their diplomatic business, Power Girl moans about her fake Kryptonian memories and the loss of whoever she was while Aquaman cries about his dead wife and child. It's all so sexy that they wind up kissing. Sonar, being all about sound and shit, has all the heroes wiretapped so his men are all, "They gonna fuck! No need to worry about those two! Let's see if the Dibnys are fucking too!"

The Dibnys are not fucking. They are getting a celebratory welcome from the people of Modora whom they believe they saved from Sonar but they really just kicked the C-list villain down the road. And not that far down the road either since Sonar has already stolen all of his sonic technology back from the Modoran government and left a trap for Ralph in the newly opened Elongated Man Museum, the one place Sonar knew the trap would be sprung. Ralph is zapped by a sonic wand and, I don't know, dies, I guess?

Crimson Fox meets up with her sister to have some scones over coffee and also to brag about how much elemental ass she's been getting.

Sapphire Stagg probably believed the "he's not flesh" line too and then she wound up pregnant. At least one small part of him is definitely flesh.

Ralph isn't dead but the doctor proclaims that he's on the brink of death! So I was close enough, especially since I knew he wasn't dead. He outlives Sue, remember? Ah, Identity Crisis! You made so many friends!

Sue knows who nearly killed Ralph not because she's a genius but because it's fucking obvious. The trap was placed in Sonar's sonic staff! And no super villain would pretend to be Sonar because that would be fucking embarrassing. Even Crazy Quilt and Kite Man wouldn't stoop to pretending to be fucking Sonar.

Sonar doesn't think he's nearly the worst DC super villain of all time, probably because he knows Black Hand is still out there somewhere. He really believes he's become the Doctor Doom of the DC Universe! And that he's helping everybody by taking over the world!

I mean, he might be helping people. His technology certainly could be used compassionately. At the right price.

The problem with people who have the money, power, or technology to help the world is that they don't want to help the world unless it's on their terms. It's always selfishness over philanthropy. They're all basically Napoleon! Unless I meant somebody else?

Justice League Europe #46 Rating: B. I loved this issue! But I don't actually know what love is so it gets a B.

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