Not a single editor cared that Sixpack is covered in piss stains on the cover?
Hitman #18 (July 23, 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carlan Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea and Josh Myers
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
The credits on Page 2 have a "Created by" line: Dog Welder created by Steve Dillon. But it doesn't say why Dog Welder was created by Steve Dillon. I have a feeling Garth and Steve were out drinking and Steve dared Garth Ennis to create a character named Dog Welder. Or John and Steve were hanging out in a seedy motel doodling on open condom wrappers while Garth strangled a prostitute in the tub and Steve came up with Dog Welder and they couldn't stop giggling and John was all, "I'm fucking using this shite, mate." Then Garth yelled from the bathroom, "You lads had better not be making up funny characters without me!" And the prostitute was all, "No! Please, Warren! Not again!"
The issue begins with Sixpack recruiting his old team to help save Tommy and the neighborhood gang. He begins with his old mate, Friendly Fire. That doesn't sound like an auspicious start. Not that the cover or Sixpack himself (or the fact that I've read this before) had me convinced he was going to recruit a competent team. But working with a guy named Friendly Fire? That implies Sixpack ideates suicide. Or does his severe alcoholism imply that?
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carlan Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea and Josh Myers
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
The credits on Page 2 have a "Created by" line: Dog Welder created by Steve Dillon. But it doesn't say why Dog Welder was created by Steve Dillon. I have a feeling Garth and Steve were out drinking and Steve dared Garth Ennis to create a character named Dog Welder. Or John and Steve were hanging out in a seedy motel doodling on open condom wrappers while Garth strangled a prostitute in the tub and Steve came up with Dog Welder and they couldn't stop giggling and John was all, "I'm fucking using this shite, mate." Then Garth yelled from the bathroom, "You lads had better not be making up funny characters without me!" And the prostitute was all, "No! Please, Warren! Not again!"
The issue begins with Sixpack recruiting his old team to help save Tommy and the neighborhood gang. He begins with his old mate, Friendly Fire. That doesn't sound like an auspicious start. Not that the cover or Sixpack himself (or the fact that I've read this before) had me convinced he was going to recruit a competent team. But working with a guy named Friendly Fire? That implies Sixpack ideates suicide. Or does his severe alcoholism imply that?
Baytor's character design was definitely based on a hot dog.
I really wish I had my Demon comics in Portland with me. I suppose I should visit my mother and pretend it's not just so that I can ship all of my comics still in her basement up to Oregon.
You can tell that nobody I love reads this blog because I don't mind writing shit like that.
Sixpack recruits his next team member and it reveals something about me: I'm a naïve piece of shit who is also dumb as fuck.
You can tell that nobody I love reads this blog because I don't mind writing shit like that.
Sixpack recruits his next team member and it reveals something about me: I'm a naïve piece of shit who is also dumb as fuck.
My first thought: "So Sixpack's team is full of disabled people?" My second thought: "Holy fuck. Section Eight. The military definition! Of course. You stupid dumb motherfucker piece of shit idiot asshole. You should have died in your mother's womb. Useless. Existence was wasted on you, you dumb chud."
In my defense, in America, we have a thing called "Section 8" housing which is subsidized housing for people in need. Somehow I have always innocently ignored how truly fucked up Sixpack and his friends were and just assumed the "Section Eight" name was because they were all drunk idiots living in poverty! I didn't realize Garth Ennis was making fun of the mentally disabled! Twenty-five year old me would have appreciated that much more than tired old fifty-four year old me. Not that I don't appreciate it! The DC Universe needs disabled representation! I just have to wonder what the fuck Shakes' super power is. It probably doesn't matter because I don't think he survives this story arc.
The graffiti on the wall in Shakes' alley pays homage to this blog thirteen years before this blog existed.
The graffiti on the wall in Shakes' alley pays homage to this blog thirteen years before this blog existed.
For those scratching their heads, you have to spell it out to hear it. Eat S-H-I-T. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea.
In Hell, Etrigan's getting his ass kicked by the Arkannone. I blame his current lack of a heart and Hell's out-of-control Stand Your Ground laws. They're only slightly less abhorrent than Florida's. Etrigan winds up blasted into a skeleton. He doesn't die for a number of reasons that you can probably come up with yourself. Like how he's in Hell and how do you die in Hell or he's a powerful demon with regenerative powers. Or, you know, this is a fucking comic book.
Sixpack gathers up his third member of Section Eight: The Defenestrator. He's currently in Arkham for throwing a cop out of the same window fourteen times in a row.
Sixpack gathers up his third member of Section Eight: The Defenestrator. He's currently in Arkham for throwing a cop out of the same window fourteen times in a row.
Now this guy seems competent! Plus he fucks up cops! A true hero!
I can't say for certain that I learned the term defenestrate from this comic book or from a Kurt Vonnegut novel I was reading about the same time. I forget which novel it was in but it must have featured Kilgore Trout. I seem to remember it was a Trout story about a society that used defenestration as their punishment for capital crimes. It's also possible I heard it from any number of sources as it seemed to be a term fully in the zeitgeist in the late '90s. I have no idea why. It was like all the word nerds moved on from antidisestablishmentarianism to defenestrate at the exact same time, probably due to alien influence.
Back in the church, Tiegel's going crazy seeing Tommy talking to a basically naked woman with cat ears. She acts like she doesn't care but Tommy is all, "I wish you'd care!" And Tiegel is all, "Oh fuck me. He's a murderer and emotionally mature?! Tha fuck am I going to do?!" Maybe when you're on the verge of dying all the time, you learn to not waste time. You hear Foreigner's "Head Games" on the radio and you shoot the fucking speakers full of holes because you can't stand to hear immature nitwits losing out on love because they've put up too many walls. Oh, that's another time you shoot out the speakers! When Pink Floyd comes on! But not all Pink Floyd, of course! Just that one where Roger Waters was all, "My mom makes me crazy so now I fuck whores and ideate suicide!"
Why have I now used the phrase "ideate suicide" twice in this blog? Brain, what are you planning? Legally, you're required to let the body know 24 hours in advance!
Sixpack's fourth member of Section Eight (not counting Sixpack himself which I would have if I'd started the sentence "The fifth member of Section Eight..." before introducing him) is Jean de Baton-Baton. I'm not sophisticated enough to know if that's a penis joke. I'm also not sophisticated enough to understand the joke Garth Ennis is making about Batman and Robin in Jean's first dialogue with Sixpack.
Back in the church, Tiegel's going crazy seeing Tommy talking to a basically naked woman with cat ears. She acts like she doesn't care but Tommy is all, "I wish you'd care!" And Tiegel is all, "Oh fuck me. He's a murderer and emotionally mature?! Tha fuck am I going to do?!" Maybe when you're on the verge of dying all the time, you learn to not waste time. You hear Foreigner's "Head Games" on the radio and you shoot the fucking speakers full of holes because you can't stand to hear immature nitwits losing out on love because they've put up too many walls. Oh, that's another time you shoot out the speakers! When Pink Floyd comes on! But not all Pink Floyd, of course! Just that one where Roger Waters was all, "My mom makes me crazy so now I fuck whores and ideate suicide!"
Why have I now used the phrase "ideate suicide" twice in this blog? Brain, what are you planning? Legally, you're required to let the body know 24 hours in advance!
Sixpack's fourth member of Section Eight (not counting Sixpack himself which I would have if I'd started the sentence "The fifth member of Section Eight..." before introducing him) is Jean de Baton-Baton. I'm not sophisticated enough to know if that's a penis joke. I'm also not sophisticated enough to understand the joke Garth Ennis is making about Batman and Robin in Jean's first dialogue with Sixpack.
Is this a pedophilia joke?
Thinking maybe they'd have a theory of Jean de Baton-Baton's name on the DCFandom wiki, I checked in to see what they think. One thing they thought which I thought was funny enough to include here (even if I think it's wrong and I might choose to explain why later if I don't get too distracted) was this: "Of all the members of Section Eight [sic no comma sic not my fault] Jean de Baton-Baton is the most well adjusted. He doesn't suffer from any mental illnesses, [sic oh wait here's the comma never mind sic] other than being French." They did have one mistake though and I understand why because the font used on the marquee of the restaurant Jean works is a bit confusing. They list the restaurant Jean works at as being called "Mancer Les Chevaux". But that doesn't mean anything in French. It's obviously "Manger Les Chevaux" which means "Eat the Horses". So that's a French joke I understand!
My theory that Jean is just as mentally ill as the rest of Section Eight because he isn't actually French. He believes he's French which is why he's such a massive stereotype. Also he makes alcohol with paint stripper and serves horses to his customers! The guy's more crazy than Shakes who isn't crazy at all and just has a severe body tremor and stutter! We probably shouldn't put too much thought into Jean de Baton-Baton anyway because he won't be around for long. Spoiler!
Next up is Dogwelder which sounds exactly like you'd think and you saw him on the cover so we're just going to skip it while I contemplate how fucked up Steve Dillon was. Fittingly, one of the last things he ever did for DC was a cover for Sixpack and Dogwelder. He died in 2016 from complications from a burst appendix which I only found out now. Not that he had died but how he had died. Fuck. That sucks man. He was the age I am right now. Now I'm poking my appendix to make sure it's okay. "You all right down there, little guy? Not too many nail clippings in you, are there? Is that actually a thing? Everything I know about the appendix I probably learned from '70s sitcoms and that episode of Lost where Matt Shepherd takes out his own appendix. Or he has the elf lady do it. I forget!
Nobody ever asks how a person welds a dog to another person. Or maybe a lot of characters ask that but I don't think we're ever provided an answer other than "It's a comic book superpower, you need-to-know-everything buzzkill piece of shit!"
Fuck, man. Sorry I asked!
Next up, we meet Bueno Excellente.
My theory that Jean is just as mentally ill as the rest of Section Eight because he isn't actually French. He believes he's French which is why he's such a massive stereotype. Also he makes alcohol with paint stripper and serves horses to his customers! The guy's more crazy than Shakes who isn't crazy at all and just has a severe body tremor and stutter! We probably shouldn't put too much thought into Jean de Baton-Baton anyway because he won't be around for long. Spoiler!
Next up is Dogwelder which sounds exactly like you'd think and you saw him on the cover so we're just going to skip it while I contemplate how fucked up Steve Dillon was. Fittingly, one of the last things he ever did for DC was a cover for Sixpack and Dogwelder. He died in 2016 from complications from a burst appendix which I only found out now. Not that he had died but how he had died. Fuck. That sucks man. He was the age I am right now. Now I'm poking my appendix to make sure it's okay. "You all right down there, little guy? Not too many nail clippings in you, are there? Is that actually a thing? Everything I know about the appendix I probably learned from '70s sitcoms and that episode of Lost where Matt Shepherd takes out his own appendix. Or he has the elf lady do it. I forget!
Nobody ever asks how a person welds a dog to another person. Or maybe a lot of characters ask that but I don't think we're ever provided an answer other than "It's a comic book superpower, you need-to-know-everything buzzkill piece of shit!"
Fuck, man. Sorry I asked!
Next up, we meet Bueno Excellente.
Oh god. I should have scanned the Dogwelder page and skipped this freak.
Bueno Excellente's superpower is raping people. That's not a joke I just made; it's a joke Garth Ennis made in 1997. I'm just reporting the fucking facts, ya dig?! Anyway, Bueno never rapes anybody on-panel so I suppose Garth can point to that and say, "I never had him rape anybody! If Bueno raped anybody, it's because you imagined he did!" And, well, fair point, imaginary Garth. But every time you have a panel like the last panel on that page I scanned, where somebody is passed out and Bueno looks at them and says, "Bueno," well, um, you know what the next panel would have been if DC had allowed McCrea to draw it.
Would it be in poor taste to go as Bueno Excellente for Halloween this year? Not that anybody would recognize me. Or that anybody I knew would even think I was wearing a costume! Which maybe says too much about my physique and wardrobe and the amount I drool.
True Story (man, I probably shouldn't being a "True Story" paragraph after a Bueno Excellente introduction!): I've lost 40 pounds over the last year so I don't actually look like Bueno Excellente anymore. But I probably could have last October since I already have the child molester looking trench coat (even though it is Burberry. I bought it for $20 at a used clothing store for a New Year's Eve Party where the costume theme was San Francisco and I went as Philip K. Dick (I know he was in Berkeley but close enough!). For months after, I would get compliments on it everywhere I went while still thinking, "I got this because I thought it looked like a bum coat! How is it the height of fashion?!" I learned from my friend Doom Bunny's brother-in-law that it was actually worth about $600.).
Meanwhile in Hell, Etrigan destroys the Arkannone and recovers the Ace of Winchesters. Now instead of handing it over to Jason Blood and Tommy, he realizes he's got a bargaining chip to get his heart back. So I guess Tommy's plan hasn't quite worked out and instead Hitman and Friends will have to be saved by somebody else.
Would it be in poor taste to go as Bueno Excellente for Halloween this year? Not that anybody would recognize me. Or that anybody I knew would even think I was wearing a costume! Which maybe says too much about my physique and wardrobe and the amount I drool.
True Story (man, I probably shouldn't being a "True Story" paragraph after a Bueno Excellente introduction!): I've lost 40 pounds over the last year so I don't actually look like Bueno Excellente anymore. But I probably could have last October since I already have the child molester looking trench coat (even though it is Burberry. I bought it for $20 at a used clothing store for a New Year's Eve Party where the costume theme was San Francisco and I went as Philip K. Dick (I know he was in Berkeley but close enough!). For months after, I would get compliments on it everywhere I went while still thinking, "I got this because I thought it looked like a bum coat! How is it the height of fashion?!" I learned from my friend Doom Bunny's brother-in-law that it was actually worth about $600.).
Meanwhile in Hell, Etrigan destroys the Arkannone and recovers the Ace of Winchesters. Now instead of handing it over to Jason Blood and Tommy, he realizes he's got a bargaining chip to get his heart back. So I guess Tommy's plan hasn't quite worked out and instead Hitman and Friends will have to be saved by somebody else.
Tommy and Friends dead as ass.
The last member is that Peter Pan looking dude named Flemgem. He doesn't get much of an introduction which is why I skipped it. Sixpack just pukes a bunch and Flemgem is all, "Got it! I'm ready to go!"
Jason Blood lets Tommy know that Etrigan has the gun and then he's all, "It'll take some time for Hell Fed Ex to get the gun here." And Tommy is all, "Dude. I've seen you get things from Hell after spouting off two lines of rhyme. Don't bullshit me." And Jason Blood is all, "No! Fuck you! Fuck all of you! You don't know what it's like! I don't want to go to Hell anymore!"
Jason Blood lets Tommy know that Etrigan has the gun and then he's all, "It'll take some time for Hell Fed Ex to get the gun here." And Tommy is all, "Dude. I've seen you get things from Hell after spouting off two lines of rhyme. Don't bullshit me." And Jason Blood is all, "No! Fuck you! Fuck all of you! You don't know what it's like! I don't want to go to Hell anymore!"
Tommy Monaghan. The new Ozymandias.
So Tommy is all, "In Blackest Day! In Brightest Night! No Demon shall escape my sight! Something something nada something Etrigan!"
Etrigan appears and Tommy is all, "Okay. I changed my mind." And normally I'd scan that page showing Etrigan screaming out of Jason Blood's torn body in McCrea's nightmare style of Kirby's Demon. But there's a different image I wanted to capture and put on the Internet and save it in my special folder on my desktop which doesn't contain a .jpg called "buttfeet" at all and which auto deletes every 24 hours if I don't reset the timer. For no reason.
Etrigan appears and Tommy is all, "Okay. I changed my mind." And normally I'd scan that page showing Etrigan screaming out of Jason Blood's torn body in McCrea's nightmare style of Kirby's Demon. But there's a different image I wanted to capture and put on the Internet and save it in my special folder on my desktop which doesn't contain a .jpg called "buttfeet" at all and which auto deletes every 24 hours if I don't reset the timer. For no reason.
Oh man. Maybe Wertham was right. My innocence is definitely being seducted right now.
The Ranking!
We didn't get to see Section Eight at work this issue. But that's just caused my excitement level to rise to a fever pitch that must have driven me crazy when I was 25 as I waited a full month for the next issue. I'm sure next issue's cover will have something like "All Hell Breaks Loose!" on the cover or some shit. And it'll be one of the first times in comic book history where that was a true statement! Except I just checked and McCrea and Ennis did not choose to go that route. Instead, it just shows Tommy, Catwoman, and Nat all lying around like they're dead. So I guess summoning Etrigan doesn't really go according to plan?
We didn't get to see Section Eight at work this issue. But that's just caused my excitement level to rise to a fever pitch that must have driven me crazy when I was 25 as I waited a full month for the next issue. I'm sure next issue's cover will have something like "All Hell Breaks Loose!" on the cover or some shit. And it'll be one of the first times in comic book history where that was a true statement! Except I just checked and McCrea and Ennis did not choose to go that route. Instead, it just shows Tommy, Catwoman, and Nat all lying around like they're dead. So I guess summoning Etrigan doesn't really go according to plan?
