Monster Manual With Dicks

Troll with dick
Frequency: Uncommon. Thank God.
No. Appearing: One is too many
Armor Class: 4 (-3 penis)
Move: 12" (not a penis joke)
Hit Dice: 6 + 6
% in Lair: 40% (which means 60% of the time, this bastard is out flashing people)
Treasure Type: D (Hee hee. It really is!)
No. of Attacks: 3
Damage/Attack: 5-8/5-8/2-12
Special Attacks: See below (Content warning!)
Special Defenses: Regeneration (yes, everything regenerates)
Magic Resistance: Standard
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Chaotic Gross
Size: Grower not a shower
Psionic Ability: Nobody uses this shit. Seriously.

Trolls are horrid carnivores found in nearly every clime and neighborhood. They are feared by most creatures, as a troll knows no fear, attacks unceasingly, and doesn't wear pants. Their sense of smell is very acute because their penis acts as a second nose. Their infravision is superior which is a statement that only makes sense to nerds. And their strength is very great because whoever first wrote this description of Trolls in the Monster Manual couldn't bother to look up synonyms for "very great," such as tremendous or super-diddly-duper.

A troll attacks with its clawed forelimbs and its great teeth and not its penis. A troll is able to fight 3 different opponents at once because most opponents can't stop gagging at its very tremendous penis stink. 3 melee rounds (as opposed to "Three melee rounds" because the original writer of this description I'm bastardizing was a dumb-dumb) after being damaged, a troll will begin to regenerate. Regeneration repairs damage at 3 hit points per round; the regeneration includes the rebonding of severed members (that's the original text! I didn't change limbs to members as unsubtle innuendo! It was just lying there waiting for me! Like a flaccid penis!). The loathsome members of a troll have the ability to fight on even if severed from the body which is an image you can't now get out of your head. A hand can claw or strangle, the head bite, the leg kick, the penis fuck, etc. Total dismemberment will not slay a troll, for its parts will slither and scuttle together, rejoin, and the troll will arise whole and ready to continue the combat as the party of adventurers watch in disbelief for what I'm assuming is the forty to fifty minutes this takes to accomplish. Mostly this happens because the priest will be all, "I'm not fucking touching that thing's cock!" and the paladin will be all, "My alignment might drop if I touch a penis!" and the magic-user is all, "Um, err, I'm memorizing some more spells!" and the thief will be all, "What? My hand wasn't in the priest's backpack at all!" By that time, the troll is all, "I'm back, baby!" To kill a troll, the monster must be burned or immersed in acid (and some players wonder why they need to pay for that hireling that lugs around the barrel of acid! Some people just don't prepare well for a lengthy dungeon crawl), any separate pieces being treated in the same fashion or they create a whole again in 3-18 melee rounds.

Wait. If each piece of a troll can become a new troll, why then do the pieces of the troll need to rebond? It would seem that, if each piece began to regenerate into a new troll three rounds after being damaged, that they'd be incapable of bonding by the time they scuttled up to the rest of the body! The penis would arrive at the lower torso having grown a pelvic region while the troll's lower torso would have already begun to grow a new Linus. It would be like trying to fit two puzzle pieces from different sets! Although now that I write that thought out, I bet it isn't that difficult to find pieces from two different puzzles that fit.

Description: Troll hide is a nauseating moss green, mottled green and gray, or putrid gray. It's penis is bright pink. The writhing hair-like growth upon a troll's head and testicles is greenish black or iron gray. The eyes of a troll are dull black. Like a doll's or a great white shark's!

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Beholder with dick
Frequency: Very rare, you lucky bastard
No. Appearing: 1
Armor Class: 0/2/7/-8 (penis)
Move: 3"
Hit Dice: 45-75 hit points
% in Lair: 80% (Still not as high as my own % in Lair)
Treasure Type: I, S, T
No. of Attacks: 1 (because eyes looking at a character and instantly killing them doesn't count as an attack)
Damage/Attack: 2-8 (Oh? Is that all? This creature must be a pushover!)
Special Attacks: Magic. Lots and lots and lots of magic
Special Defenses: Anti-magic ray
Magic Resistance: Special
Intelligence: Exceptional and fueled by contrarian resentment
Alignment: Lawful evil. Which, I guess, means it'll use the crosswalk but it'll really take its time getting across the street
Size: Long but narrow
Psionic Ability: Enough with this shit already. Nobody understands it!

The beholder (eye tyrant, sphere of many eyes, "that weird dick monster") is most frequently found underground, although it infrequently will lair in desolate wildernesses where nobody cares about its dick hanging out. The globular body of this monster is supported by levitation, and it floats slowly about as it wills, penis dangling and swinging beneath it. Atop the sphere are 10 eyestalks, while in its central area are a great eleventh eye and a large mouth filled with pointed teeth. And below that, the penis. The body is protected by a hard chitinous covering. The creature's eyestalks and eyes are also protected, although less well (thus the armor classes of 2 and 7 respectively). The penis retracts when the creature engages in combat (thus the armor class of -8). Although if the beholder is shown anything round, its penis will become engorged, making it much easier to hit (armor class 10). Because of its particular nature, the beholder is able to withstand the loss of its eyestalks, these members are not computed as part of its hit point damage potential, and lost eyestalks will eventually grow back (1 week per lost member). The same can not be said for the beholder's penis. If cut off or destroyed by anything other than fire, the beholder will begin to lose hit points at a rate of four per melee round. If the beholder can speak common, it will begin saying things like, "Why'd you have to go and cut off my penis for?" or "That was a low blow, pun not intended (if in fact that was a pun. I'm panicking here! I just lost my penis!)."

Eyes: The various eyes of a beholder (get it?! This whole stupid creature is a pun!) each have a different function. Typically only the central eye, erect penis, and 1-4 eyes on stalks, are able to function considering that the attack is coming from an arc 90 degrees before the monster. If attacks come from other directions, do the stupid math yourself. Now I see why so many people made so many house rules in their Dungeons and Dragons games. Gary Gygax must have thought everybody playing this game was a huge idiot so he wrote out every possibility in every scenario. No wonder these rule books are so thick!

Each eye is a beautiful bright blue that anybody with a wisdom of 14 or less must spend the first round of combat commenting on.

Functions of the eyes and penis are:
1. Charm person spell. If a person is charmed, the penis will become erect and functional.
2. Charm monster spell. Beholders will fuck anything so, again, the penis will become erect and functional.
3. Sleep spell. Beholders are creepy fucks so if anything falls asleep, you know. Penis. Erect. Functional.
4. Telekinese 2,500 gold piece weight. The beholder will use this to draw a creature to its penis. To fuck.
5. Flesh-stone ray (3" range) I have no idea what that means in D&D gaming distances. Three inches on the gaming table? Three inches in actual scale? Three feet because Gygax uses a different system where the feet and inches notations are opposite?! I was always confused by these numbers. Probably because I never read all the rules. There are so many of them!
6. Disintegrate ray (2" range)
7. Fear (as an 8th level giant penis floating in front of your face attached to a great big mouth monster with spaghetti eyes)
8. Slow spell (the spell isn't slow. It makes things slow. At regular speed)
9. Cause serious wound (5" range)
10. Death ray (4" range. This is the one to fear!)
11. Anti-magic ray (14" range)
Penis: Web (as a 12th level magic-user) (range: 3 feet in conic spray). The beholder will use this power five to twelve melee turns after its penis becomes erect. It must then make a saving throw versus sleep. If it fails, it loses the use of the eleventh eye and two to nine of the smaller eyes. Oh, and its penis for at least forty minutes. Unless something really round appears and begins rubbing up on it and maybe putting its flaccid penis in its mouth while making eye contact with two to seven eyes)

Nature: The beholder is hateful, aggressive, avaricious, problematic, and gross. They typically punch down with their humor, having a vast knowledge of racist, sexist, and homophobic jokes. They will usually attack immediately, claiming that they were being attacked by politically correct know-it-alls who forced them into taking a terrible philosophical stance. If confronted by a particularly powerful party or Sarah Silverman, there is a 50% chance they will listen to reason — either to be bribed not to attack or pay a ransom not to be attacked, depending on how many Twitter followers they stand to lose. They can speak their own language as well as that tongue known to all lawful evil gamergaters.

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Bubear with dick
Frequency: More common than you'd like
No. Appearing: 6-36, depending on how popular the Reddit account that stirred them up
Armor Class: Depends on the cartoon vest sans pants outfit they chose that morning
Move: 9" (faster if their mom is really fucking yelling at them through the cellar window about the garbage cans)
Hit Dice: 3 + 1
% in Lair: 150%
Treasure Type: Pop Culture statues, polybagged comic books, that issue of Penthouse with underage Traci Lords
No. of Attacks: 1 stale talking point
Damage/Attack: 2-8 or by social media platform
Special Attacks: Surprise caused by confusion as to what the bugbear is angry about
Special Defenses: "Can't you take a joke, snowflake?"
Magic Resistance: Standard
Intelligence: Low to Average (low (really low (like, "Whoa, how do they even function?!" low)))
Alignment: Chaotic 4chan
Size: L (I'm not fat shaming! I'm just regurgitating what's in the Monster Manual!)
Psionic Ability: Anime

Bugbears live in loose bands, and are typically found on the same websites as goblins. Unlike their smaller cousins, however, these hairy giant fedora wearing goblins operate equally well in bright daylight or great darkness (well, maybe not daylight, exactly. But they're okay with fluorescent lighting), so they are as likely to choose a habitation above ground (like an attic in their parents' garage) as they are to select a subterranean abode (like the basement of their parents' house).

If 12 or more bugbears are encountered, there will be a leader with 22-25 alt-Twitter accounts (armor class 4, attacks as a 4 hit dice monster, gets +1 on damage caused). If 24 or more are encountered, there will be the following additional bugbears: one that tells you to "Go kill yourself," one that calls you a cunt, one that insists you debate him because are you against free speech or what?!, and one that doxes you. If encountered in their lair (which they definitely will be unless they're at a Magic the Gathering tournament), there will always be an empty box of Chicken in a Biscuit, at least three pizza boxes full of discarded crusts, dozens of empty cans of Coke or Monster energy drink, a purple velvet Crown Royal bag filled with dice, a crusty pair of his sister's underwear, and a stack of old Scrye magazines.

The arms carried by bugbears range the gamut of available weapons — from Lord of the Rings collector swords to PVC clubs with Styrofoam spikes set in them (nerd morning star for his Society of Creative Anachronism costume). A fair number of rhetorical talking points are carried by these monsters, and they tend to use them, along with name calling, strawmen, and circular logic. As bugbears are weak, they will hurl insults from the comfort of anonymity and never confront anybody in real life.

Although bugbears are clumsy looking and walk with a shambling gait, they are actually able to move very quickly and with great stealth. At least that's what they tell themselves. "Walk on the sides of your feet," they'll point out as they lumber out of their hotel at midnight and down the convention hallway to the snack bar, "It's much quieter!"

Bugbears speak goblin and hobgoblin and misogynist and 4chan and Reddit in addition to their racist tongue.

Description: The skin of bugbears is light yellow to yellow brown — typically dull yellow and covered in a light dusting of orange flavoring. Their hair ranges in color from lusterless tannish brown to brick red. Their eyes are vacuous holes of existential angst hiding the deep fear that, possibly, it's their attitude and not the way others view them that has made their life a living hell. The odds and ends of armor they wear, as well as whatever cloth, skins, or anime costumes they drape themselves in, tends to be ill-kept, dirty, and dingy. They, sadly, live for approximately 75 years.


Depiction of a bugbear making an argument on Twitter.

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Quasit with dick
Frequency: Ubiquitous
No. Appearing: 1. Because 2 would be gay, brah.
Armor Class: 2
Move: 15"
Hit Dat Ass Dice, Know 'ut I'm Sayin?: 3
% in Lair: 0% because nobody can see you touch your dick in private, dude.
Treasure Type: Frat paraphernalia
No. of Attacks: 3
Damage/Attack: 1-2/1-2/Duck
Special Attacks: See attacks
Special Defenses: See below
Alcohol Resistance: 25%
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Chaotic football
Size: Intimidating
Psionic Ability: Drain life force

While the quasit is rare on the material plane, they are everywhere on the planes of College Campuses and Bars Surrounding College Campuses. The quasit is an average student changed into a minor personality to serve as familiar to a chaotic evil Big Brother. A quasit is able to polymorph itself into the shape of a person completely different than the person they were in the small town from which they came in order to be perceived as more sexually experienced and popular than they ever were. This is done by drinking too much to receive high fives and metaphorically(?) sucking the dick of older quasits who have long forgotten the form from which they originally polymorphed. So good is their ability to polymorph that they almost all become a near identical duplicate of every other quasit on the same plane as them.

The attack mode of a quasit is by means of constant allusions to wanting to fuck the person they're speaking with and plying large quantities of alcohol on the defender. The wounds caused by this attack cause a burning itch which drain 1 from its opponent's dexterity each time it is wounded unless a saving throw versus STDs is made. Dexterity loss remains for 2-12 weeks unless antibiotics are administered by a 10th level cleric.

The magic powers of a quasit are gained during rush week. All quasits can naturally detect both drunk women and alcohol. They regenerate at 1 hit point per red Solo cup of alcohol. They can become drunk at will, and once per day they can send out a blast of vomit in a 3" radius. Only magical or cold iron weapons will harm these monsters. Cold, fire, and lightning do not affect them (unless it's magical cold, fire, or lightning, presumably (although why then mention they can't be hurt by lightning?! I mean, when is that ever going to come into play in a session of D&D? DM: "House rules: I roll for a random lightning strike every 5000th melee round"?)). For purposes of spell attack upon them, quasits are considered despicable wastes of breath who refuse to understand the concept of date rape.

Although intelligence is low, quasits are sly and cunning, and in certain situations they are able to call upon the thinking power of a demon lord like Jordan Peterson.

Once the quasit becomes a full-fledged house member, it passes along to its "master" the following: telepathic communication which enables the "master" to use all senses (including infravision) of the quasit, even up to a mile away. The quasit's presence within 1" of its "master" allows the latter the quasit's alcohol resistance (25%) and also enables regeneration at 1 hit point per shout of "Whooo!" When the quasit is within a mile of its "master," the latter gains an additional level of popularity. If the quasit is farther away, the "master" loses 1 level, and if the quasit is killed, the house will be investigated and probably shut down while a bunch of bros complain about how unfair it is simply because one quasit couldn't handle its alcohol.

Finally, in addition to its normal advice, the quasit is able to contact a subreddit once per week in order to help its "master" decide on some course of action. This question is like a commune spell but 6 questions are allowed, even though most of them will probably be about how to cover up a date rape.

The major aim of a quasit is to enable its "master" to wreak greater and more chaotic evil. It also wishes to destroy lawful evil humans in order to steal their souls for larger and more excessive parties, as the quasit will be rewarded accordingly when (and if) it returns to its hometown as a big man on campus. At the time of its "master's" death, the quasit must grab any evidence that might get the house shut down and rush back to its hometown to hide out. If it has not been actively popular prior to that, its hometown community might change the quasit's cool status back to that of a nerd or super virgin, or send it forth as a quasit again to another university rather than making it into a highly regarded, if problematic, alumnus.

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Succubus
Frequency: Not as rare as the Patriarchy wants you to believe. So common that this entry might as well just be called "Women Who Enjoy Sex" with a short disclaimer that the few who don't realize they enjoy sex have simply had terrible and selfish partners so far
No. Appearing: 1 is too much for you to handle
Armor Class: 0. Which is weird because she's naked.
Move: 12"/18"
Hit Dice: 6
% in Lair: 5%. Mostly to shower and throw on some dry shampoo
Treasure Type: One or two business suits for interviews, some Hello Kitty crap, a bookshelf full of books you're surprised she's read (an attitude which is totally on you, you superficial prick), comfortable bedding, a pet (40% small dog, 10% large dog, 10% cat, 10% guinea pig, 10% bunny, 5% budgie, 5% rat, 5% reptile, 5% other), a few exes that won't leave her alone but whom she's trying to avoid because she can't bring herself to explain bisexuality to them one more fucking time, some painting paraphernalia from that time she dabbled in painting but didn't tell anybody because she wanted something that was all her own and wasn't instantly ruined by everybody telling her how to do it and what her goals should be, and a Bigby's Vibrating Hand
No. of Attacks: 2
Damage/Attack: 1-3/1-3
Special Attacks: Energy drain
Special Defenses: Never bought into the belief that her sexuality
demanded emotional attachment
Douchebro Resistance: 70%
Intelligence: Exceptional
Alignment: Most guys think Chaotic Evil but she's just a strong, independent woman
Size: Doesn't matter
Psionic Ability: Would like to find love but doesn't believe that a strong, intimate attachment with another person is the right thing for her personal journey

These female demons are usually not found in numbers, for they prefer to act alone. That doesn't mean they won't occasionally be up for a rare three-way but you've got to be open to the occasional MMF situation if you're hoping for some MFF action. A succubus in its natural form appears very much like an average woman walking down the street minding her own business and getting on with her own life who, surprisingly, isn't simply waiting for a stranger to catcall her so she can get to fucking. Although the bat-like wings might indicate the succubus isn't an average woman at all since most average women can't fly by their own power. That takes a slightly above average woman. Or a succubus.

Succubi cannot be harmed by any sort of casual misogynist rhetoric. They know your game, stinkboy. They aren't merely objects for your pleasure! I mean, their whole goal is to fuck you to death. So you might get some pleasure out of the fucking. But don't think they're doing it for you! She isn't sucking your soul out of the tip of your penis because she wants to please you. She's doing it because she loves dick. And killing men by fucking them. Succubi also love fucking other women. But they don't kill them. They just whisper the secret coda that all women need to hear from another woman at some point in their lives. I don't know what that might be because I'm not a woman! But I'm sure it exists! I've seen the way women whisper confidently to each other and then giggle. Men never do that! Something's totally up!

Succubi can Cause Darkness in a 5' radius. The kiss of the succubus drains the victim of one energy level, and all succubi are able to perform the following feats at will: explain why Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey are important texts and people who enjoy them shouldn't automatically be belittled for it; explain why a woman wanting to look and feel pretty and sexual doesn't mean she's asking for strange men to approach her; explain how nice guys aren't as aggressive as you seem to think they are; perform all the goals she set for herself each day while several men in her life expect her to accomplish some of theirs; not murder the eighth guy who tries to begin a conversation with her while she's minding her own business because she understands that he (probably?) doesn't deserve the entirety of the rage that's built up from the other seven men previous; dance like that one guy (just the one. You know the one. I'm ruining my underwear just thinking about him) who could totally approach her and catcall her and expect a blowjob from her is watching; explain how just because she'll have sex with somebody she just met because he's attractive and somewhat interesting and kind doesn't mean she owes anybody else instant stranger sex; write something funny online while ignoring the dozens of men who need to comment on it; suck a mean dick.

Succubi rule lower demons through wit and threat. You know who the lower demons are. They're the ones who read this entry and thought, "Where were all the ladies with dick jokes?!"

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Mansplainer
Frequency: Common
No. Appearing: 2-8
Armor Class: 7
Move: 1"
Hit Dice: 3
% in Lair: 0%
Treasure Type: Nil
No. of Attacks: 0
Damage/Attack: Nil
Special Attacks: Nil
Special Defenses: Noise
Staying Quiet Resistance: 100%
Intelligence: Non-
Alignment: Actually. I mean, actually, it's neutral. That means impartial. Neither willing to help good or evil. You know, centrist? It's really the best alignment. Takes real guts to be this open-minded. It's the alignment for people who don't fall for lies and nonsense. You'd be surprised how many people think they're neutral but they aren't. They have agendas. But not like the Mansplainer aka The Devil's Advocate.
Size: Big enough
Psionic Ability: If I knew how to use psionics in AD&D, I'd say they had some kind of ESP but it's the kind of ESP where you know what somebody was actually thinking after they told you what they were thinking.

Mansplainers are normally quiet, mindless fungus which are ambulatory (though they seldom need to move away from their computer screen). They live in dark places beneath the ground. Expressed thoughts from females within 30' or texts written by women within 10' will cause them to emit a piercing shriek which lasts for 1-3 melee rounds. This noise has a 50% chance of attracting Trolls with Dicks, Bugbears with Dicks, Goblins with Dicks, or Quasits with Dicks each round thereafter. Purple worms and shambling mounds greatly prize mansplainers as food.

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Dragon Magazine #179, Part Seven: "The Marvel-Phile: Building Better Mousetraps — or Better Villains"

The next article by Dale A. Donovan and Steven E. Schend is called "The Marvel-Phile: Building Better Mousetraps — or Better Villains." They decide — against the wisdom of most writing courses I've not taken — to completely throw out their credibility in the second paragraph. "Some of [Marvel's villains], however, verge on being laughable in the light of the modern day. Today, the Fantastic Four battles against Terrax and the Super Skrull, both of whom are great villains." Excuse me. Did you say Super Skrull was a great villain? Tell me again how having the ability to turn one leg invisible while the other one is on fire makes a great super villain? It's also possible that I'm completely judging Super Skrull by the lyrics to Ookla the Mok's song about him. It's possible Dale and Steven know what they're talking about and I'm the one who has no clue!

Dale and Steve have some tips for making memorable villains that your players won't laugh at. If I simply list them, you might find yourself agreeing with them and not thinking they're terrible suggestions. So instead, I'll quote them before acting like they've just written the worst suggestion or paraphrase them so that they sound fucking ridiculous.

Tip #1: "Find a gimmick that's quick, effective, and memorable. People remember Mr. Fear's fear gas." Or Mr. Fist's fist fighting. Or Mr. Murder's murder blade. Or Mr. Amnesia's amnesia bomb. No wait. Nobody remembers that one. Poor example.

Tip #2: Don't make the villain a fatty who can't fight. When Superman punches the villain, the reader shouldn't be thinking, "I hope Superman didn't just commit manslaughter!" Although when Batman does the same thing, the reader should be thinking, "Batman just fucking committed manslaughter!" But it doesn't count as Batman killing somebody if they die from their wounds later because America's healthcare system is terrible and the villain couldn't afford to have his ruptured spleen treated. Batman can't solve all of the world's problems! He's trying to keep Gotham's alleys safe so distracted rich people can walk down them without being murdered.

Tip #3: "Find a distinctive name and look for the crook that people will remember and respect." People remember and respect Mr. Fear because of his fear gas. And his name, probably! This tip is totally different from Tip #1. Don't @ me.

After completely transforming everybody's Marvel Role-playing experiences with these generous tips, Deve and Stale proceed to punch up some of the old, crappy villains from the Marvel Universe. First up is Invincible Man. How the fuck do you punch up Invincible Man?! Make him less invincible so the players don't throw their character sheets in the trash as soon as he turns up in the campaign? No, Dale and Steve are mostly just concerned with how terrible his costume looks to modern eyes. Also they figure, once you've changed the look of the costume, you might as well change the stupid name. So basically they're saying, "Just make another villain. This one is dumb." Thanks, guys!

The next villain looking to be modernized is Porcupine. Since he's dead, Steve-Dale suggest that somebody else use his armor which is a great suggestion! They also believe the name Porcupine is pretty stupid and I agree. But they think changing his name to Spike or Quill would make him more memorable. This article was written in 1992. What fucking comic books were these guys reading?! Obviously the new Porcupine would have to be named Death-Quill or Blood Spike or Genocide or Really Late Term Abortion Provider. It's also strange that Steve-Dale haven't suggested adding more pockets and belts of ammo to the costume.

Finally, Steve-Dale just design a couple new villains as a way to prove that they're better at creating new villains than all the other game referees out there. Why else would they feel they needed to suggest to Marvel Role-playing referees that they can design new villains? Isn't that the whole premise of this game?! Do they think most people purchased this game so they can have a set of canonical rules to determine if Logan's claws really could pierce Steve Rogers' shield? And just in case the players and referees reading this article are really stupid, they remind readers that "these two characters are not part of the Marvel Universe and have no place in official Marvel Comics continuity." How fucking arrogant are these guys?! They believe their creations will be on par with Stan Lee, Steve Ditko, and Jack Kirby and readers will mistake them for official creations? Not that Stan, Steve, or Jack ever created a hero or villain as exciting as any Blood-Whatever or Death-Something that came out of Image in the 90s. Fucking old school hacks! How did they not see the potential of this medium they practically created all of the rules for?! Heroes should be murder monsters! Duh!

Dragon Magazine #179, Part Six: "The Voyage of the Princess Ark, Part 26"

The next article is part 26 of another work of fiction called "The Voyage of the Princess Ark" by Bruce A. Heard. It's written as entries in a diary and is purported to be a means for providing information "to expand D&D campaigns using the Gazetteer series" but I think it's really just a way for Bruce to tell the world about his nightly D&D campaigns. Each entry bored me more than every Dungeons and Dragons Tumblr written by a thirteen year old who believes she and her friends are just the funniest Goddamned people in the world. "So, like, we were on the Princess Ark and everybody was all pouty and bored. But then I was like, 'We should have a party!' It was hilarious! We wore gnome hats and had confetti poppers and I got too tipsy to find my way back to my cabin because I failed a Constitution check! I also failed a Charisma check so I didn't get fucked in the ass.'" Dammit! I was trying to show how boring those D&D Tumblrs are and now I want to go read some because they sound awesome.

It seems the main thrust of this article was to ask Dungeon Masters this question: "Have you ever thought of getting your players' characters drunk so you could force them to role-play hangovers?! It's super hilarious! Imagine all the Wisdom and Intelligence checks they'll have to make due to loud noises! *snort*"

Dragon Magazine #179, Part Five: "Semen"

Occasionally, Dragon Magazine published short stories. This issue features "Moonlight" by Heather Lynn Sarik.

I'll be reading "moonlight" as "semen" for the entirety of this story. "Semen" by Heather Lynn Sarik.

"Lien watched the trickle of distilled semen and tried to hold her anxious breathing to slow, labored gasps. From her vantage point behind a thick shroud of black velvet curtains, she could see the bowed form of the Sky-Watcher, his eyes locked on the glimmering liquid, his hands occasionally reaching out to pat at its ornate quartz receptacle. Silver threads glittered in his black robes as he breathed; upon his tufted white hair sat a wholly ridiculous circlet bearing a stylized cresent [sic] moon as big as Lien's palm."

Come on! Heather was hardly disguising this deviant work of pornography! It's all about two thieves who steal some semen from a monastery so they can sell it. They spend the rest of the story trying to get some unsuspecting idiot to drink their semen to find out if it's magic. The big twist is that even the Sky-Watchers distilling the semen don't know what it does, even though they're practically drowning in the stuff. The sexiest part of the story is when the arrogant rich guy chugs a bunch of the semen because he ate a Periapt of Proof Against Poison. The grossest part of the story is when the thieves spike a stew with the semen and everybody in the tavern gets sick.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought of selling a story where every character was obsessed with semen (so much so that the local monastery was filling their well with the stuff) to a non-semen-aficionado magazine. My first draft of that sentence began "Never would I have thought of writing a story where every character was obsessed with semen," but I realized the inaccuracy of that statement and quickly fixed it.

Dragon Magazine #179, Part Four: "7 Enlightening Lanterns"

Stephen Giles writes the next article called "7 EnLIGHTening Lanterns" and I'm beginning to wonder why Dragon Magazine thought so many people were running such boring campaigns in 1992 that they had to compile this issue full of bullshit. "Have your players begun to dread game night?! Are they falling asleep at the table when they used to be practically masturbating to your every dungeon room description? Have you heard them whispering cryptically in the kitchen as they eat your mom's snacks, saying things like 'Where are all the exciting ways to produce light?' and 'Why is the treasure always so easy to pack up and haul out of the dungeon?' If this sounds familiar, pick up Dragon Magazine #179 at your local game store! Dragon Magazine: making Dungeons & Dragons a stronger and stronger product every year! What else are you going to do with your nerdy friends on Friday night?! It's not like some card game will be introduced next year that will completely decimate the D&D customer base until TSR finally has to completely sell out to the company that created that stupid hypothetical card game! I mean, what can be more exciting than ways to light a dungeon magically?! Fuckin' hell, we're kings of the Goddamned world!"

Again, I'm not being fair. I've yet to read the article and I'm acting like it's probably the stupidest thing ever written. Just having read that previous article by Bruce Humphrey, I can be assured it's not that.

Mr. Giles gets right to the point: lanterns! Seven of them! Although too many of them (like, seven, maybe?) seem to be the life's work of some mage who couldn't be bothered to do something exciting with his life. I'm assuming mages live for several hundred years; you'd think that they'd strive for something more than a lantern that can shoot lightning bolts or cast darkness instead of light or curse a person to be attractive to the undead (although after summarizing those, I'm starting to see Mr. Giles point. Now I want a necro-aphrodisiac lantern!). Aren't there already wands that do those kinds of things? Maybe magical lanterns was just part of an overall move toward creating mundane useful items that could also do magic. Like instead of a Wand of Stoning, maybe a Backscratcher of Stoning. Instead of an Amulet of Reflection, perhaps a Belt Buckle of Reflection. Also, if you have stupid players that you're trying to punish, give them magic lanterns and candles as treasure. They'll definitely leave them behind while wondering where all the gold went.

But enough with the fucking lanterns. Egads, I can't imagine creating a more boring module than one that features magic candles, magic lanterns, and five hours of haggling with merchants over the price of a few tapestries and pewter Star Trek figurines.

Dragon Magazine #179, Part Three: "Something Completely Different"

Bruce Humphrey writes the next article, "Something Completely Different: Variety should be a treasure hoard's spice." As if putting candles in your treasure hoards wasn't already different enough. What is Mr. Humphrey going to suggest? Magic doilies? But he confuses me when he ends his opening paragraph with this statement: "The effort to recover the monetary fruits of victory should be commensurate with the victory itself." Is he suggesting that after the party kill Tiamat, obtaining Tiamat's treasure should be just as difficult as it was to kill Tiamat?! Bruce sounds like a terrible Dungeon Master!

I should at least wait until I've finished reading the article to judge Bruce's Dungeon Mastering skills but the header to his second paragraph isn't quelling my bias.

When I'm playing a fantasy role-playing game based solely in my imagination, I seldom think, "But is this realistic?"

In "the realistic route," Bruce goes on to say, "In fact, most treasures should be items that are not obviously valuable but may be of greater worth than their weight in gold or diamonds. Some items could have little intrinsic value but be beyond price to a collector or as heirlooms." Because orcs and bugbears are so well known for their sophisticated tastes and sentimental attachments! "The only thing in this Goddamn ogre's den are a bunch of frilly pillows and a stupid vase!" says the paladin who's never seen Antiques Dungeon Show. How many of Bruce's players ended a campaign grumbling "How did I spend more money on supplies than I gained back in treasure?!" while Bruce was busy filling the next dungeon with collector's plates and dung from rare outer planes creatures.

I'm only on the third paragraph and I'm fairly positive Bruce Humphrey is a sadistic jerk who hung out with the theater kids, none of whom thought he was funny (and you know the stupid shit theater kids think is funny!). When I design a dungeon, I figure my players are going to want some exciting action followed by some easily spendable treasure. But Bruce thinks his players want to be burdened with brainstorming a contraption to haul the loot from the dungeon.

Oh joy!

Here's the thing, Bruce: they'll just hire henchmen and make the henchmen carry the fucking thing and be done with it. Then when nobody will purchase it for what the players know it's worth (because they've read all of the rules supplements), the henchmen will be hauling that fucking carpet from dungeon to dungeon! What kind of idiots was Bruce playing with? Who would put up with this campaign?! "Ah! Another Saturday night spent haggling with dimwits and con-men! What a great change of pace from exploring a dungeon and risking our lives! Keep these mundane campaigns coming, Bruce! We're really gaining a new appreciation for assessing the value of treasure and researching merchants to find one who won't bilk us! Next time, can we please roleplay the six hour trip to the next flea market in real time?!"

I bet Bruce made the player's characters eat and take bathroom breaks. "Having not evacuated for some time, Signus is in real trouble. Unless he wants to shit his armor, Signus the Elf has -1 to hit and -2 to damage during this fight because he's beginning to turtle."

Earlier, I asked that question about the difficulty of obtaining Tiamat's treasure. Apparently the answer to that question was "Yes, Bruce does think dealing with Tiamat's treasure should be as difficult as dealing with Tiamat." He states it plainly: "Imagine the look on their faces when they have defeated the Ancient Worm of Khelkotha, only to find it spent those cold winter nights through the centuries smelting its hoard into a 10'-diameter sphere of gold, platinum, and gems — or, better yet, was a connoisseur of sculpture and traded its hoard for dozens of valuable but bulky and heavy statues." The most important part of that quote is "imagine the look on their faces." Bruce is telling on himself. He thinks Dungeons & Dragons is a competitive game between the Dungeon Master and the players. "Survive my Ancient Worm of Khelkotha encounter, will you?! Well guess what, motherfuckers?! You can't gather up the treasure unless you present a detailed plan of attack and designs of the contraptions used to haul this stuff out!" And then when the players decide to just hire a hundred henchmen, he'll probably draft up some rules on local unions and gig economies. "You can't just hire that many henchmen without paying exponential salaries due to the dwindling labor reserves! Plus, what are you going to pay them in? 10'-diameter spheres of gold, platinum, and gems?! Ha ha! Look at your faces! Dumbasses!"

The worst thing about this article isn't that Bruce thinks players are jerks who won't roleplay if they're just given lots of coins; the worst part is that he thinks every other Dungeon Master is an unimaginative idiot. "Hey, have you ever thought about how treasure doesn't have to be coins, gems, jewelry, or candles?! Give it a try! Maybe fill your orc lair with valuable tapestries! Or the minotaur's maze with crystal decanters and expensive china! I bet kobolds would totally be into rare and exclusive Pogs!"

Maybe I'm just being too defensive because, as a Dungeon Master and game creator, I've always parceled out odd treasures. Hell, I even wrote a book of poetry, The Chicken by the Gate, as a treasure found in the Places and Predator Module, "The Search for Renown." And my suggestion of making kobolds totally into Pogs wasn't too far off from another one of my Places and Predators treasures: cards from a card game I created as a popular form of dueling within the P&P world. But then again, maybe it's not just me! Gary Gygax included multiple tables in the Dungeon Master's Guide in the appendix for dungeon dressing that any Dungeon Master worth his probably-an-urban-legend Dungeon Master Certificate would have turned into treasure tables. Maybe Bruce thought "appendix" just meant "a vestigial chapter that doesn't need to be read."

Bruce continues to explain a bunch of treasure types that don't need explaining, like fragile treasure or hidden treasure or treasure that might only be treasure to the right buyer. He then opens his paragraph on treasure that is information with this damning statement: "Information can be invaluable, but most players ignore it." Can Bruce's players sue him for libel due to this article? Most of this article is just Bruce repeating over and over again, "My players are fucking dummies who don't know how to roleplay! So I've found a way to punish their stupidity: treasure types that they don't understand! Fucking dopes!" What Dungeon Master doesn't seed every campaign with information to try to lure players to new dungeon modules or home-brewed campaign plots?! How many Dungeon Masters read this article and were all, "Oh fuck! You mean I don't just have to reward my players with gold?! I mean, I'd like to also give them silver or platinum but nobody knows how to convert that shit."

Anyway, if you don't have the imagination to create some weird and unique treasures that your players might enjoy, or if you're looking for a way to stick it to your stupid players for being boring dumb jerks, Bruce wrote a dumb article for you. Next!

Dragon Magazine #179, Part One: the Cover

“Hey, you think this floating sword is trapped?”
“I don’t know. Take off your shirt and poke it with a stick.”

The copy on the cover of this issue reads, "No risk is too great for magical treasure." If two sad and pathetic friends had been arguing with each other over the last fifteen years whether or not Dragon Magazine was for real roleplayers or fucking Munchkins, they finally received clarification on the issue (literally! Right there on the cover!). Who the fuck risks their character for a piece of treasure?! That question was rhetorical because I've spent a non-zero amount of time watching players implode during games I've been running as soon as they lost their favorite magic item.

DM: "Your Axe of Flight is knocked out of your hands by a well placed arrow, landing behind the five giant trolls of invulnerability. You tumble a safe distance away with only minor wounds. The trolls begin scanning the area looking for where you've landed."
Player: "My axe! I get up and charge the trolls!"
DM: "The trolls of invulnerability? All five of them? The ones that don't currently know you've landed a safe distance away with a clear getaway?"
Player:: "Yeah! Try to take away my axe away, will you?! I'll show you, you prick!"
DM:: "You did see the critical hit with that arrow shot, right?
Player: "Yeah but you could have had the arrow rip off my testicles. Why my axe?!"
DM:: "Okay, fine. You charge the trolls. The largest one with the spear has initiative."
Player: "Whatever."
DM: "The troll's blow smashes through your leg and into the pelvis, caving in the lower abdomen. Blood showers the troll. You collapse dying almost instantly from shock and blood loss."
Player:: "Fuck you."

I still play Fortnite with that player. She regularly throws games away by looting piles of weapons while the storm eats away at her health. She should be reading Dragon Magazine!

I made up some stuff in that mini-drama but the essence of it is true. I didn't really have creatures called trolls of invulnerability. They were some kind of Samurai Ogres that the adventurers encountered as they left the European part of the Warhammer world and traveled east over the World's Edge Mountains. It's also possible that this player didn't quite realize that the point of leaving their usual stomping grounds was because they had grown too powerful there and that, perhaps, the creatures they were about to face were more of a challenge. Or maybe some people just can't separate their character from their character's possessions.

Although maybe that copy on the cover was just to indicate this issue would have a bunch of new magic items? Sometimes I get a little heated about stuff that is instantly clarified as soon as I shut up and listen.

Dwarf Lover Director's Cut: Grummok's Plan, Ep. 2

Grummok's Plan

With the publishing of Grummok's Plan, the web comic had actually begun. The Beginning was a series of short moments published on NA!P in conjunction with the storyline developing in the Exploits of a Dwarf Lover Blog. Grummok's Plan really began the adventure.

Grummok and the Kobolds come from the 3rd Edition D&D Monster Manual as do all of the other characters. In the last post, I stated that some may have come from the Player's Handbook but I was wrong. The reason Brennan was a female elf instead of a male elf is because there was only a female elf in the MM. If I'd had the Player's Handbook at the time the comic was started, Brennan would have begun as the male figure he later chooses for himself and a large part of the storyline would have been different.

Duke Suetir's character is from the MM entry, Shield Guardian.

Okay, back to Grummok. The throne, cage, and stalagmites (unless they're stalactites!) are all scanned from Elquest Book Three. Incidentally, here is why I can never remember how to differentiate stalactites and stalagmites. Way back in ancient times, there was a Frank and Ernest Sunday comic in which they discuss ways to remember which is which. So one of them says something like, "The ones hanging from the ceiling are stalactites because they stick tight!" And the other guy says something like, "I thought those were stalagmites because they might fall!" So, fuck you Frank and Ernest for messing with my head. (Also stuck in my memory from that comic was this rule: "I before E except after C or when sounded like Aye as in neighbor or weigh. Except for a few weird exceptions." Or something like that.

Okay, back to Grummok! Venger is from the Dungeons and Dragons Cartoon. The idea of a series of villains each trapped and needing the help of the next villain was the main thrust of the plot I'd decided on. This along with the 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo idea that would allow me to take the adventurers through a baker's dozen of Old School Dungeons and Dragons Modules.

Even though they adventure in D&D Modules and many references are to D&D, the characters and the game they are playing is actually Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay. This is because that game was much more fun and open ended with fewer rules to pay attention to. So it's the game my friends and I played the most. But I still loved the idea of the D&D Module, especially the old school ones that didn't really have much plot to them. Warhammer modules (the ones that did exist) generally were railroad story lines that I didn't find very interesting.

On page two, Venger thinks back to what I like to think of as Season Four of the Dungeons and Dragons Cartoon. Venger has managed to kill Hank, Bobby, and Uni. And Sheila and Diane make out. Which is something that apparently dozens of artists at Deviantart really wanted to happen.

The arrow piercing Uni was scanned from a Green Arrow comic book. I'm not sure where the axe is from that is taking off Hank's head. I really like Dungeon Master's broken look on this page as he watches the kids he pulled in to his world to help get killed one by one. What did he think was going to happen? If not their deaths, by Season Six they would have been either hating Dungeon Master for only ever giving them each one magick item for the whole campaign or they'd be total munchkins and Dungeon Master would be actively trying to kill them himself.

Being that Grummok is an orc and this is the characters' first adventure, it all takes place in B2, Keep on the Borderlands. More on that in subsequent Director's Cuts.

Dwarf Lover Director's Cut: The Beginning

The first episode of Dwarf Lover.

The Beginning

A title which points to the fact that I had no idea where I was going with this thing. I knew I wanted it to be complex. I wanted it to be epic in scale. So epic that I had no actual plans for finishing it. And seeing as how it took 10 years to actually get to the end of the 2nd Chapter of, probably, 13 Chapters, it doesn't look too good for the finishing thing.

But I did take a six year long hiatus where I worked on other projects. But at the beginning of this year, I really felt like revisiting the comic. I felt like, at least, getting these poor losers out of the Tomb of Horrors. And that'll be happening in less than a month. So, yay?

Back to The Beginning. The comic first appeared on my (our: Me and two long-time friends from high school) website, No Apologies! Press. No Apologies! was a chaotic jumble of anything that came to our minds. It was a nice place for a writer who cared more about the initial ideas of a project than the long term project itself. A place for lazy people with lots of creativity. It was wonderful!

Dwarf Lover began as a blog by our fictional friend, Chris Davenport. Yes, yes. He is fictional. Sorry to spoil the illusion for any Chris Davenport groupies. Except his image wasn't fictional and I think I should apologize to the real life person Chris was. His name may have been Cyrus. Or Cyril. Or something like that. He may have gone to Santa Cruz University. I used to have a link to his school webpage but that has been lost in time and multiple computer changes. His image got a little bit of fame over the years. He appeared on Mulletsgalore in its heyday. He appeared on How Fresh is This Guy. He also appeared in a Maxim Guide to the Web pull-out I still own (so proud!) featuring the How Fresh site and that page I just linked to.

Chris Davenport was partly based on Doom Bunny from No Apologies! Press. Partly, because it might be mostly in my head! But I seem to remember Doom Bunny playing Dwarves (or Dwarfs?) an awful lot because they little tanks. Perhaps that was our friend Roy I'm remembering too. Anyway, Dwarf Lover and the man who needed to defend Dwarfs at all cost, was born.

I'm not sure where the Dwarf Lover blog became a comic. Maybe I thought it would be easy to do. "Oh, I just scan a few pictures and it'll take no time at all!"

Even for the simple style of the comic in its early days, that was completely wrong. Just photoshopping the scans into useable pictures is tedious. Everything about the process is tedious. But I love seeing the scenes come together. And I still have a lot of story to tell.

So, about The Beginning. Probably not a lot to tell. I thought I would make it sort of Noirific. That didn't really keep but I revisit the Dwarf Narration every now and again. And make a point later on to show that Kohk is actually keeping a journal of his travels.

The initial scene is comprised of characters scanned from the 3rd edition Dungeons and Dragons Players Handbook. I think. This must have been back in 2000 or 2001 when I started. The window is from Dave Sim's Cerebus, as is the mug and the table. The table I colored myself in Photoshop! Amazing! The characters that aren't from the Players Handbook are from the Monster Manual, same edition.

The story basically retells what was going on in Chris Davenport's Blog at the time. He and deranged elf fan, Larry Pressfield (Upright from NA!P), had begun a war of words between the two clans. I decided that was spiraling out of control and a summit of some kind was needed. A summit that was being role-played.

Looking back on this comic, I like the set-up. The collage art is actually pretty decent for just getting started. I think I'd had some practice with some other NA!P features by then. And my favorite line still calls for a shirt or mug or mousepad: "Go fist a dryad!"