Monster Manual With Dicks

Troll with dick
Frequency: Uncommon. Thank God.
No. Appearing: One is too many
Armor Class: 4 (-3 penis)
Move: 12" (not a penis joke)
Hit Dice: 6 + 6
% in Lair: 40% (which means 60% of the time, this bastard is out flashing people)
Treasure Type: D (Hee hee. It really is!)
No. of Attacks: 3
Damage/Attack: 5-8/5-8/2-12
Special Attacks: See below (Content warning!)
Special Defenses: Regeneration (yes, everything regenerates)
Magic Resistance: Standard
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Chaotic Gross
Size: Grower not a shower
Psionic Ability: Nobody uses this shit. Seriously.

Trolls are horrid carnivores found in nearly every clime and neighborhood. They are feared by most creatures, as a troll knows no fear, attacks unceasingly, and doesn't wear pants. Their sense of smell is very acute because their penis acts as a second nose. Their infravision is superior which is a statement that only makes sense to nerds. And their strength is very great because whoever first wrote this description of Trolls in the Monster Manual couldn't bother to look up synonyms for "very great," such as tremendous or super-diddly-duper.

A troll attacks with its clawed forelimbs and its great teeth and not its penis. A troll is able to fight 3 different opponents at once because most opponents can't stop gagging at its very tremendous penis stink. 3 melee rounds (as opposed to "Three melee rounds" because the original writer of this description I'm bastardizing was a dumb-dumb) after being damaged, a troll will begin to regenerate. Regeneration repairs damage at 3 hit points per round; the regeneration includes the rebonding of severed members (that's the original text! I didn't change limbs to members as unsubtle innuendo! It was just lying there waiting for me! Like a flaccid penis!). The loathsome members of a troll have the ability to fight on even if severed from the body which is an image you can't now get out of your head. A hand can claw or strangle, the head bite, the leg kick, the penis fuck, etc. Total dismemberment will not slay a troll, for its parts will slither and scuttle together, rejoin, and the troll will arise whole and ready to continue the combat as the party of adventurers watch in disbelief for what I'm assuming is the forty to fifty minutes this takes to accomplish. Mostly this happens because the priest will be all, "I'm not fucking touching that thing's cock!" and the paladin will be all, "My alignment might drop if I touch a penis!" and the magic-user is all, "Um, err, I'm memorizing some more spells!" and the thief will be all, "What? My hand wasn't in the priest's backpack at all!" By that time, the troll is all, "I'm back, baby!" To kill a troll, the monster must be burned or immersed in acid (and some players wonder why they need to pay for that hireling that lugs around the barrel of acid! Some people just don't prepare well for a lengthy dungeon crawl), any separate pieces being treated in the same fashion or they create a whole again in 3-18 melee rounds.

Wait. If each piece of a troll can become a new troll, why then do the pieces of the troll need to rebond? It would seem that, if each piece began to regenerate into a new troll three rounds after being damaged, that they'd be incapable of bonding by the time they scuttled up to the rest of the body! The penis would arrive at the lower torso having grown a pelvic region while the troll's lower torso would have already begun to grow a new Linus. It would be like trying to fit two puzzle pieces from different sets! Although now that I write that thought out, I bet it isn't that difficult to find pieces from two different puzzles that fit.

Description: Troll hide is a nauseating moss green, mottled green and gray, or putrid gray. It's penis is bright pink. The writhing hair-like growth upon a troll's head and testicles is greenish black or iron gray. The eyes of a troll are dull black. Like a doll's or a great white shark's!

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Beholder with dick
Frequency: Very rare, you lucky bastard
No. Appearing: 1
Armor Class: 0/2/7/-8 (penis)
Move: 3"
Hit Dice: 45-75 hit points
% in Lair: 80% (Still not as high as my own % in Lair)
Treasure Type: I, S, T
No. of Attacks: 1 (because eyes looking at a character and instantly killing them doesn't count as an attack)
Damage/Attack: 2-8 (Oh? Is that all? This creature must be a pushover!)
Special Attacks: Magic. Lots and lots and lots of magic
Special Defenses: Anti-magic ray
Magic Resistance: Special
Intelligence: Exceptional and fueled by contrarian resentment
Alignment: Lawful evil. Which, I guess, means it'll use the crosswalk but it'll really take its time getting across the street
Size: Long but narrow
Psionic Ability: Enough with this shit already. Nobody understands it!

The beholder (eye tyrant, sphere of many eyes, "that weird dick monster") is most frequently found underground, although it infrequently will lair in desolate wildernesses where nobody cares about its dick hanging out. The globular body of this monster is supported by levitation, and it floats slowly about as it wills, penis dangling and swinging beneath it. Atop the sphere are 10 eyestalks, while in its central area are a great eleventh eye and a large mouth filled with pointed teeth. And below that, the penis. The body is protected by a hard chitinous covering. The creature's eyestalks and eyes are also protected, although less well (thus the armor classes of 2 and 7 respectively). The penis retracts when the creature engages in combat (thus the armor class of -8). Although if the beholder is shown anything round, its penis will become engorged, making it much easier to hit (armor class 10). Because of its particular nature, the beholder is able to withstand the loss of its eyestalks, these members are not computed as part of its hit point damage potential, and lost eyestalks will eventually grow back (1 week per lost member). The same can not be said for the beholder's penis. If cut off or destroyed by anything other than fire, the beholder will begin to lose hit points at a rate of four per melee round. If the beholder can speak common, it will begin saying things like, "Why'd you have to go and cut off my penis for?" or "That was a low blow, pun not intended (if in fact that was a pun. I'm panicking here! I just lost my penis!)."

Eyes: The various eyes of a beholder (get it?! This whole stupid creature is a pun!) each have a different function. Typically only the central eye, erect penis, and 1-4 eyes on stalks, are able to function considering that the attack is coming from an arc 90 degrees before the monster. If attacks come from other directions, do the stupid math yourself. Now I see why so many people made so many house rules in their Dungeons and Dragons games. Gary Gygax must have thought everybody playing this game was a huge idiot so he wrote out every possibility in every scenario. No wonder these rule books are so thick!

Each eye is a beautiful bright blue that anybody with a wisdom of 14 or less must spend the first round of combat commenting on.

Functions of the eyes and penis are:
1. Charm person spell. If a person is charmed, the penis will become erect and functional.
2. Charm monster spell. Beholders will fuck anything so, again, the penis will become erect and functional.
3. Sleep spell. Beholders are creepy fucks so if anything falls asleep, you know. Penis. Erect. Functional.
4. Telekinese 2,500 gold piece weight. The beholder will use this to draw a creature to its penis. To fuck.
5. Flesh-stone ray (3" range) I have no idea what that means in D&D gaming distances. Three inches on the gaming table? Three inches in actual scale? Three feet because Gygax uses a different system where the feet and inches notations are opposite?! I was always confused by these numbers. Probably because I never read all the rules. There are so many of them!
6. Disintegrate ray (2" range)
7. Fear (as an 8th level giant penis floating in front of your face attached to a great big mouth monster with spaghetti eyes)
8. Slow spell (the spell isn't slow. It makes things slow. At regular speed)
9. Cause serious wound (5" range)
10. Death ray (4" range. This is the one to fear!)
11. Anti-magic ray (14" range)
Penis: Web (as a 12th level magic-user) (range: 3 feet in conic spray). The beholder will use this power five to twelve melee turns after its penis becomes erect. It must then make a saving throw versus sleep. If it fails, it loses the use of the eleventh eye and two to nine of the smaller eyes. Oh, and its penis for at least forty minutes. Unless something really round appears and begins rubbing up on it and maybe putting its flaccid penis in its mouth while making eye contact with two to seven eyes)

Nature: The beholder is hateful, aggressive, avaricious, problematic, and gross. They typically punch down with their humor, having a vast knowledge of racist, sexist, and homophobic jokes. They will usually attack immediately, claiming that they were being attacked by politically correct know-it-alls who forced them into taking a terrible philosophical stance. If confronted by a particularly powerful party or Sarah Silverman, there is a 50% chance they will listen to reason — either to be bribed not to attack or pay a ransom not to be attacked, depending on how many Twitter followers they stand to lose. They can speak their own language as well as that tongue known to all lawful evil gamergaters.

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Bubear with dick
Frequency: More common than you'd like
No. Appearing: 6-36, depending on how popular the Reddit account that stirred them up
Armor Class: Depends on the cartoon vest sans pants outfit they chose that morning
Move: 9" (faster if their mom is really fucking yelling at them through the cellar window about the garbage cans)
Hit Dice: 3 + 1
% in Lair: 150%
Treasure Type: Pop Culture statues, polybagged comic books, that issue of Penthouse with underage Traci Lords
No. of Attacks: 1 stale talking point
Damage/Attack: 2-8 or by social media platform
Special Attacks: Surprise caused by confusion as to what the bugbear is angry about
Special Defenses: "Can't you take a joke, snowflake?"
Magic Resistance: Standard
Intelligence: Low to Average (low (really low (like, "Whoa, how do they even function?!" low)))
Alignment: Chaotic 4chan
Size: L (I'm not fat shaming! I'm just regurgitating what's in the Monster Manual!)
Psionic Ability: Anime

Bugbears live in loose bands, and are typically found on the same websites as goblins. Unlike their smaller cousins, however, these hairy giant fedora wearing goblins operate equally well in bright daylight or great darkness (well, maybe not daylight, exactly. But they're okay with fluorescent lighting), so they are as likely to choose a habitation above ground (like an attic in their parents' garage) as they are to select a subterranean abode (like the basement of their parents' house).

If 12 or more bugbears are encountered, there will be a leader with 22-25 alt-Twitter accounts (armor class 4, attacks as a 4 hit dice monster, gets +1 on damage caused). If 24 or more are encountered, there will be the following additional bugbears: one that tells you to "Go kill yourself," one that calls you a cunt, one that insists you debate him because are you against free speech or what?!, and one that doxes you. If encountered in their lair (which they definitely will be unless they're at a Magic the Gathering tournament), there will always be an empty box of Chicken in a Biscuit, at least three pizza boxes full of discarded crusts, dozens of empty cans of Coke or Monster energy drink, a purple velvet Crown Royal bag filled with dice, a crusty pair of his sister's underwear, and a stack of old Scrye magazines.

The arms carried by bugbears range the gamut of available weapons — from Lord of the Rings collector swords to PVC clubs with Styrofoam spikes set in them (nerd morning star for his Society of Creative Anachronism costume). A fair number of rhetorical talking points are carried by these monsters, and they tend to use them, along with name calling, strawmen, and circular logic. As bugbears are weak, they will hurl insults from the comfort of anonymity and never confront anybody in real life.

Although bugbears are clumsy looking and walk with a shambling gait, they are actually able to move very quickly and with great stealth. At least that's what they tell themselves. "Walk on the sides of your feet," they'll point out as they lumber out of their hotel at midnight and down the convention hallway to the snack bar, "It's much quieter!"

Bugbears speak goblin and hobgoblin and misogynist and 4chan and Reddit in addition to their racist tongue.

Description: The skin of bugbears is light yellow to yellow brown — typically dull yellow and covered in a light dusting of orange flavoring. Their hair ranges in color from lusterless tannish brown to brick red. Their eyes are vacuous holes of existential angst hiding the deep fear that, possibly, it's their attitude and not the way others view them that has made their life a living hell. The odds and ends of armor they wear, as well as whatever cloth, skins, or anime costumes they drape themselves in, tends to be ill-kept, dirty, and dingy. They, sadly, live for approximately 75 years.


Depiction of a bugbear making an argument on Twitter.

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Quasit with dick
Frequency: Ubiquitous
No. Appearing: 1. Because 2 would be gay, brah.
Armor Class: 2
Move: 15"
Hit Dat Ass Dice, Know 'ut I'm Sayin?: 3
% in Lair: 0% because nobody can see you touch your dick in private, dude.
Treasure Type: Frat paraphernalia
No. of Attacks: 3
Damage/Attack: 1-2/1-2/Duck
Special Attacks: See attacks
Special Defenses: See below
Alcohol Resistance: 25%
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Chaotic football
Size: Intimidating
Psionic Ability: Drain life force

While the quasit is rare on the material plane, they are everywhere on the planes of College Campuses and Bars Surrounding College Campuses. The quasit is an average student changed into a minor personality to serve as familiar to a chaotic evil Big Brother. A quasit is able to polymorph itself into the shape of a person completely different than the person they were in the small town from which they came in order to be perceived as more sexually experienced and popular than they ever were. This is done by drinking too much to receive high fives and metaphorically(?) sucking the dick of older quasits who have long forgotten the form from which they originally polymorphed. So good is their ability to polymorph that they almost all become a near identical duplicate of every other quasit on the same plane as them.

The attack mode of a quasit is by means of constant allusions to wanting to fuck the person they're speaking with and plying large quantities of alcohol on the defender. The wounds caused by this attack cause a burning itch which drain 1 from its opponent's dexterity each time it is wounded unless a saving throw versus STDs is made. Dexterity loss remains for 2-12 weeks unless antibiotics are administered by a 10th level cleric.

The magic powers of a quasit are gained during rush week. All quasits can naturally detect both drunk women and alcohol. They regenerate at 1 hit point per red Solo cup of alcohol. They can become drunk at will, and once per day they can send out a blast of vomit in a 3" radius. Only magical or cold iron weapons will harm these monsters. Cold, fire, and lightning do not affect them (unless it's magical cold, fire, or lightning, presumably (although why then mention they can't be hurt by lightning?! I mean, when is that ever going to come into play in a session of D&D? DM: "House rules: I roll for a random lightning strike every 5000th melee round"?)). For purposes of spell attack upon them, quasits are considered despicable wastes of breath who refuse to understand the concept of date rape.

Although intelligence is low, quasits are sly and cunning, and in certain situations they are able to call upon the thinking power of a demon lord like Jordan Peterson.

Once the quasit becomes a full-fledged house member, it passes along to its "master" the following: telepathic communication which enables the "master" to use all senses (including infravision) of the quasit, even up to a mile away. The quasit's presence within 1" of its "master" allows the latter the quasit's alcohol resistance (25%) and also enables regeneration at 1 hit point per shout of "Whooo!" When the quasit is within a mile of its "master," the latter gains an additional level of popularity. If the quasit is farther away, the "master" loses 1 level, and if the quasit is killed, the house will be investigated and probably shut down while a bunch of bros complain about how unfair it is simply because one quasit couldn't handle its alcohol.

Finally, in addition to its normal advice, the quasit is able to contact a subreddit once per week in order to help its "master" decide on some course of action. This question is like a commune spell but 6 questions are allowed, even though most of them will probably be about how to cover up a date rape.

The major aim of a quasit is to enable its "master" to wreak greater and more chaotic evil. It also wishes to destroy lawful evil humans in order to steal their souls for larger and more excessive parties, as the quasit will be rewarded accordingly when (and if) it returns to its hometown as a big man on campus. At the time of its "master's" death, the quasit must grab any evidence that might get the house shut down and rush back to its hometown to hide out. If it has not been actively popular prior to that, its hometown community might change the quasit's cool status back to that of a nerd or super virgin, or send it forth as a quasit again to another university rather than making it into a highly regarded, if problematic, alumnus.

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Succubus
Frequency: Not as rare as the Patriarchy wants you to believe. So common that this entry might as well just be called "Women Who Enjoy Sex" with a short disclaimer that the few who don't realize they enjoy sex have simply had terrible and selfish partners so far
No. Appearing: 1 is too much for you to handle
Armor Class: 0. Which is weird because she's naked.
Move: 12"/18"
Hit Dice: 6
% in Lair: 5%. Mostly to shower and throw on some dry shampoo
Treasure Type: One or two business suits for interviews, some Hello Kitty crap, a bookshelf full of books you're surprised she's read (an attitude which is totally on you, you superficial prick), comfortable bedding, a pet (40% small dog, 10% large dog, 10% cat, 10% guinea pig, 10% bunny, 5% budgie, 5% rat, 5% reptile, 5% other), a few exes that won't leave her alone but whom she's trying to avoid because she can't bring herself to explain bisexuality to them one more fucking time, some painting paraphernalia from that time she dabbled in painting but didn't tell anybody because she wanted something that was all her own and wasn't instantly ruined by everybody telling her how to do it and what her goals should be, and a Bigby's Vibrating Hand
No. of Attacks: 2
Damage/Attack: 1-3/1-3
Special Attacks: Energy drain
Special Defenses: Never bought into the belief that her sexuality
demanded emotional attachment
Douchebro Resistance: 70%
Intelligence: Exceptional
Alignment: Most guys think Chaotic Evil but she's just a strong, independent woman
Size: Doesn't matter
Psionic Ability: Would like to find love but doesn't believe that a strong, intimate attachment with another person is the right thing for her personal journey

These female demons are usually not found in numbers, for they prefer to act alone. That doesn't mean they won't occasionally be up for a rare three-way but you've got to be open to the occasional MMF situation if you're hoping for some MFF action. A succubus in its natural form appears very much like an average woman walking down the street minding her own business and getting on with her own life who, surprisingly, isn't simply waiting for a stranger to catcall her so she can get to fucking. Although the bat-like wings might indicate the succubus isn't an average woman at all since most average women can't fly by their own power. That takes a slightly above average woman. Or a succubus.

Succubi cannot be harmed by any sort of casual misogynist rhetoric. They know your game, stinkboy. They aren't merely objects for your pleasure! I mean, their whole goal is to fuck you to death. So you might get some pleasure out of the fucking. But don't think they're doing it for you! She isn't sucking your soul out of the tip of your penis because she wants to please you. She's doing it because she loves dick. And killing men by fucking them. Succubi also love fucking other women. But they don't kill them. They just whisper the secret coda that all women need to hear from another woman at some point in their lives. I don't know what that might be because I'm not a woman! But I'm sure it exists! I've seen the way women whisper confidently to each other and then giggle. Men never do that! Something's totally up!

Succubi can Cause Darkness in a 5' radius. The kiss of the succubus drains the victim of one energy level, and all succubi are able to perform the following feats at will: explain why Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey are important texts and people who enjoy them shouldn't automatically be belittled for it; explain why a woman wanting to look and feel pretty and sexual doesn't mean she's asking for strange men to approach her; explain how nice guys aren't as aggressive as you seem to think they are; perform all the goals she set for herself each day while several men in her life expect her to accomplish some of theirs; not murder the eighth guy who tries to begin a conversation with her while she's minding her own business because she understands that he (probably?) doesn't deserve the entirety of the rage that's built up from the other seven men previous; dance like that one guy (just the one. You know the one. I'm ruining my underwear just thinking about him) who could totally approach her and catcall her and expect a blowjob from her is watching; explain how just because she'll have sex with somebody she just met because he's attractive and somewhat interesting and kind doesn't mean she owes anybody else instant stranger sex; write something funny online while ignoring the dozens of men who need to comment on it; suck a mean dick.

Succubi rule lower demons through wit and threat. You know who the lower demons are. They're the ones who read this entry and thought, "Where were all the ladies with dick jokes?!"

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Mansplainer
Frequency: Common
No. Appearing: 2-8
Armor Class: 7
Move: 1"
Hit Dice: 3
% in Lair: 0%
Treasure Type: Nil
No. of Attacks: 0
Damage/Attack: Nil
Special Attacks: Nil
Special Defenses: Noise
Staying Quiet Resistance: 100%
Intelligence: Non-
Alignment: Actually. I mean, actually, it's neutral. That means impartial. Neither willing to help good or evil. You know, centrist? It's really the best alignment. Takes real guts to be this open-minded. It's the alignment for people who don't fall for lies and nonsense. You'd be surprised how many people think they're neutral but they aren't. They have agendas. But not like the Mansplainer aka The Devil's Advocate.
Size: Big enough
Psionic Ability: If I knew how to use psionics in AD&D, I'd say they had some kind of ESP but it's the kind of ESP where you know what somebody was actually thinking after they told you what they were thinking.

Mansplainers are normally quiet, mindless fungus which are ambulatory (though they seldom need to move away from their computer screen). They live in dark places beneath the ground. Expressed thoughts from females within 30' or texts written by women within 10' will cause them to emit a piercing shriek which lasts for 1-3 melee rounds. This noise has a 50% chance of attracting Trolls with Dicks, Bugbears with Dicks, Goblins with Dicks, or Quasits with Dicks each round thereafter. Purple worms and shambling mounds greatly prize mansplainers as food.

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