Bruce Humphrey writes the next article, "Something Completely Different: Variety should be a treasure hoard's spice." As if putting candles in your treasure hoards wasn't already different enough. What is Mr. Humphrey going to suggest? Magic doilies? But he confuses me when he ends his opening paragraph with this statement: "The effort to recover the monetary fruits of victory should be commensurate with the victory itself." Is he suggesting that after the party kill Tiamat, obtaining Tiamat's treasure should be just as difficult as it was to kill Tiamat?! Bruce sounds like a terrible Dungeon Master!
I should at least wait until I've finished reading the article to judge Bruce's Dungeon Mastering skills but the header to his second paragraph isn't quelling my bias.
I should at least wait until I've finished reading the article to judge Bruce's Dungeon Mastering skills but the header to his second paragraph isn't quelling my bias.
When I'm playing a fantasy role-playing game based solely in my imagination, I seldom think, "But is this realistic?"
In "the realistic route," Bruce goes on to say, "In fact, most treasures should be items that are not obviously valuable but may be of greater worth than their weight in gold or diamonds. Some items could have little intrinsic value but be beyond price to a collector or as heirlooms." Because orcs and bugbears are so well known for their sophisticated tastes and sentimental attachments! "The only thing in this Goddamn ogre's den are a bunch of frilly pillows and a stupid vase!" says the paladin who's never seen Antiques Dungeon Show. How many of Bruce's players ended a campaign grumbling "How did I spend more money on supplies than I gained back in treasure?!" while Bruce was busy filling the next dungeon with collector's plates and dung from rare outer planes creatures.
I'm only on the third paragraph and I'm fairly positive Bruce Humphrey is a sadistic jerk who hung out with the theater kids, none of whom thought he was funny (and you know the stupid shit theater kids think is funny!). When I design a dungeon, I figure my players are going to want some exciting action followed by some easily spendable treasure. But Bruce thinks his players want to be burdened with brainstorming a contraption to haul the loot from the dungeon.
I'm only on the third paragraph and I'm fairly positive Bruce Humphrey is a sadistic jerk who hung out with the theater kids, none of whom thought he was funny (and you know the stupid shit theater kids think is funny!). When I design a dungeon, I figure my players are going to want some exciting action followed by some easily spendable treasure. But Bruce thinks his players want to be burdened with brainstorming a contraption to haul the loot from the dungeon.
Oh joy!
Here's the thing, Bruce: they'll just hire henchmen and make the henchmen carry the fucking thing and be done with it. Then when nobody will purchase it for what the players know it's worth (because they've read all of the rules supplements), the henchmen will be hauling that fucking carpet from dungeon to dungeon! What kind of idiots was Bruce playing with? Who would put up with this campaign?! "Ah! Another Saturday night spent haggling with dimwits and con-men! What a great change of pace from exploring a dungeon and risking our lives! Keep these mundane campaigns coming, Bruce! We're really gaining a new appreciation for assessing the value of treasure and researching merchants to find one who won't bilk us! Next time, can we please roleplay the six hour trip to the next flea market in real time?!"
I bet Bruce made the player's characters eat and take bathroom breaks. "Having not evacuated for some time, Signus is in real trouble. Unless he wants to shit his armor, Signus the Elf has -1 to hit and -2 to damage during this fight because he's beginning to turtle."
Earlier, I asked that question about the difficulty of obtaining Tiamat's treasure. Apparently the answer to that question was "Yes, Bruce does think dealing with Tiamat's treasure should be as difficult as dealing with Tiamat." He states it plainly: "Imagine the look on their faces when they have defeated the Ancient Worm of Khelkotha, only to find it spent those cold winter nights through the centuries smelting its hoard into a 10'-diameter sphere of gold, platinum, and gems — or, better yet, was a connoisseur of sculpture and traded its hoard for dozens of valuable but bulky and heavy statues." The most important part of that quote is "imagine the look on their faces." Bruce is telling on himself. He thinks Dungeons & Dragons is a competitive game between the Dungeon Master and the players. "Survive my Ancient Worm of Khelkotha encounter, will you?! Well guess what, motherfuckers?! You can't gather up the treasure unless you present a detailed plan of attack and designs of the contraptions used to haul this stuff out!" And then when the players decide to just hire a hundred henchmen, he'll probably draft up some rules on local unions and gig economies. "You can't just hire that many henchmen without paying exponential salaries due to the dwindling labor reserves! Plus, what are you going to pay them in? 10'-diameter spheres of gold, platinum, and gems?! Ha ha! Look at your faces! Dumbasses!"
The worst thing about this article isn't that Bruce thinks players are jerks who won't roleplay if they're just given lots of coins; the worst part is that he thinks every other Dungeon Master is an unimaginative idiot. "Hey, have you ever thought about how treasure doesn't have to be coins, gems, jewelry, or candles?! Give it a try! Maybe fill your orc lair with valuable tapestries! Or the minotaur's maze with crystal decanters and expensive china! I bet kobolds would totally be into rare and exclusive Pogs!"
Maybe I'm just being too defensive because, as a Dungeon Master and game creator, I've always parceled out odd treasures. Hell, I even wrote a book of poetry, The Chicken by the Gate, as a treasure found in the Places and Predator Module, "The Search for Renown." And my suggestion of making kobolds totally into Pogs wasn't too far off from another one of my Places and Predators treasures: cards from a card game I created as a popular form of dueling within the P&P world. But then again, maybe it's not just me! Gary Gygax included multiple tables in the Dungeon Master's Guide in the appendix for dungeon dressing that any Dungeon Master worth his probably-an-urban-legend Dungeon Master Certificate would have turned into treasure tables. Maybe Bruce thought "appendix" just meant "a vestigial chapter that doesn't need to be read."
Bruce continues to explain a bunch of treasure types that don't need explaining, like fragile treasure or hidden treasure or treasure that might only be treasure to the right buyer. He then opens his paragraph on treasure that is information with this damning statement: "Information can be invaluable, but most players ignore it." Can Bruce's players sue him for libel due to this article? Most of this article is just Bruce repeating over and over again, "My players are fucking dummies who don't know how to roleplay! So I've found a way to punish their stupidity: treasure types that they don't understand! Fucking dopes!" What Dungeon Master doesn't seed every campaign with information to try to lure players to new dungeon modules or home-brewed campaign plots?! How many Dungeon Masters read this article and were all, "Oh fuck! You mean I don't just have to reward my players with gold?! I mean, I'd like to also give them silver or platinum but nobody knows how to convert that shit."
Anyway, if you don't have the imagination to create some weird and unique treasures that your players might enjoy, or if you're looking for a way to stick it to your stupid players for being boring dumb jerks, Bruce wrote a dumb article for you. Next!
I bet Bruce made the player's characters eat and take bathroom breaks. "Having not evacuated for some time, Signus is in real trouble. Unless he wants to shit his armor, Signus the Elf has -1 to hit and -2 to damage during this fight because he's beginning to turtle."
Earlier, I asked that question about the difficulty of obtaining Tiamat's treasure. Apparently the answer to that question was "Yes, Bruce does think dealing with Tiamat's treasure should be as difficult as dealing with Tiamat." He states it plainly: "Imagine the look on their faces when they have defeated the Ancient Worm of Khelkotha, only to find it spent those cold winter nights through the centuries smelting its hoard into a 10'-diameter sphere of gold, platinum, and gems — or, better yet, was a connoisseur of sculpture and traded its hoard for dozens of valuable but bulky and heavy statues." The most important part of that quote is "imagine the look on their faces." Bruce is telling on himself. He thinks Dungeons & Dragons is a competitive game between the Dungeon Master and the players. "Survive my Ancient Worm of Khelkotha encounter, will you?! Well guess what, motherfuckers?! You can't gather up the treasure unless you present a detailed plan of attack and designs of the contraptions used to haul this stuff out!" And then when the players decide to just hire a hundred henchmen, he'll probably draft up some rules on local unions and gig economies. "You can't just hire that many henchmen without paying exponential salaries due to the dwindling labor reserves! Plus, what are you going to pay them in? 10'-diameter spheres of gold, platinum, and gems?! Ha ha! Look at your faces! Dumbasses!"
The worst thing about this article isn't that Bruce thinks players are jerks who won't roleplay if they're just given lots of coins; the worst part is that he thinks every other Dungeon Master is an unimaginative idiot. "Hey, have you ever thought about how treasure doesn't have to be coins, gems, jewelry, or candles?! Give it a try! Maybe fill your orc lair with valuable tapestries! Or the minotaur's maze with crystal decanters and expensive china! I bet kobolds would totally be into rare and exclusive Pogs!"
Maybe I'm just being too defensive because, as a Dungeon Master and game creator, I've always parceled out odd treasures. Hell, I even wrote a book of poetry, The Chicken by the Gate, as a treasure found in the Places and Predator Module, "The Search for Renown." And my suggestion of making kobolds totally into Pogs wasn't too far off from another one of my Places and Predators treasures: cards from a card game I created as a popular form of dueling within the P&P world. But then again, maybe it's not just me! Gary Gygax included multiple tables in the Dungeon Master's Guide in the appendix for dungeon dressing that any Dungeon Master worth his probably-an-urban-legend Dungeon Master Certificate would have turned into treasure tables. Maybe Bruce thought "appendix" just meant "a vestigial chapter that doesn't need to be read."
Bruce continues to explain a bunch of treasure types that don't need explaining, like fragile treasure or hidden treasure or treasure that might only be treasure to the right buyer. He then opens his paragraph on treasure that is information with this damning statement: "Information can be invaluable, but most players ignore it." Can Bruce's players sue him for libel due to this article? Most of this article is just Bruce repeating over and over again, "My players are fucking dummies who don't know how to roleplay! So I've found a way to punish their stupidity: treasure types that they don't understand! Fucking dopes!" What Dungeon Master doesn't seed every campaign with information to try to lure players to new dungeon modules or home-brewed campaign plots?! How many Dungeon Masters read this article and were all, "Oh fuck! You mean I don't just have to reward my players with gold?! I mean, I'd like to also give them silver or platinum but nobody knows how to convert that shit."
Anyway, if you don't have the imagination to create some weird and unique treasures that your players might enjoy, or if you're looking for a way to stick it to your stupid players for being boring dumb jerks, Bruce wrote a dumb article for you. Next!
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