Stephen Giles writes the next article called "7 EnLIGHTening Lanterns" and I'm beginning to wonder why Dragon Magazine thought so many people were running such boring campaigns in 1992 that they had to compile this issue full of bullshit. "Have your players begun to dread game night?! Are they falling asleep at the table when they used to be practically masturbating to your every dungeon room description? Have you heard them whispering cryptically in the kitchen as they eat your mom's snacks, saying things like 'Where are all the exciting ways to produce light?' and 'Why is the treasure always so easy to pack up and haul out of the dungeon?' If this sounds familiar, pick up Dragon Magazine #179 at your local game store! Dragon Magazine: making Dungeons & Dragons a stronger and stronger product every year! What else are you going to do with your nerdy friends on Friday night?! It's not like some card game will be introduced next year that will completely decimate the D&D customer base until TSR finally has to completely sell out to the company that created that stupid hypothetical card game! I mean, what can be more exciting than ways to light a dungeon magically?! Fuckin' hell, we're kings of the Goddamned world!"
Again, I'm not being fair. I've yet to read the article and I'm acting like it's probably the stupidest thing ever written. Just having read that previous article by Bruce Humphrey, I can be assured it's not that.
Mr. Giles gets right to the point: lanterns! Seven of them! Although too many of them (like, seven, maybe?) seem to be the life's work of some mage who couldn't be bothered to do something exciting with his life. I'm assuming mages live for several hundred years; you'd think that they'd strive for something more than a lantern that can shoot lightning bolts or cast darkness instead of light or curse a person to be attractive to the undead (although after summarizing those, I'm starting to see Mr. Giles point. Now I want a necro-aphrodisiac lantern!). Aren't there already wands that do those kinds of things? Maybe magical lanterns was just part of an overall move toward creating mundane useful items that could also do magic. Like instead of a Wand of Stoning, maybe a Backscratcher of Stoning. Instead of an Amulet of Reflection, perhaps a Belt Buckle of Reflection. Also, if you have stupid players that you're trying to punish, give them magic lanterns and candles as treasure. They'll definitely leave them behind while wondering where all the gold went.
But enough with the fucking lanterns. Egads, I can't imagine creating a more boring module than one that features magic candles, magic lanterns, and five hours of haggling with merchants over the price of a few tapestries and pewter Star Trek figurines.
Again, I'm not being fair. I've yet to read the article and I'm acting like it's probably the stupidest thing ever written. Just having read that previous article by Bruce Humphrey, I can be assured it's not that.
Mr. Giles gets right to the point: lanterns! Seven of them! Although too many of them (like, seven, maybe?) seem to be the life's work of some mage who couldn't be bothered to do something exciting with his life. I'm assuming mages live for several hundred years; you'd think that they'd strive for something more than a lantern that can shoot lightning bolts or cast darkness instead of light or curse a person to be attractive to the undead (although after summarizing those, I'm starting to see Mr. Giles point. Now I want a necro-aphrodisiac lantern!). Aren't there already wands that do those kinds of things? Maybe magical lanterns was just part of an overall move toward creating mundane useful items that could also do magic. Like instead of a Wand of Stoning, maybe a Backscratcher of Stoning. Instead of an Amulet of Reflection, perhaps a Belt Buckle of Reflection. Also, if you have stupid players that you're trying to punish, give them magic lanterns and candles as treasure. They'll definitely leave them behind while wondering where all the gold went.
But enough with the fucking lanterns. Egads, I can't imagine creating a more boring module than one that features magic candles, magic lanterns, and five hours of haggling with merchants over the price of a few tapestries and pewter Star Trek figurines.
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