Moon Knight #3

"M-O-C-N! That spells Moon Knight!"

My favorite thing about this comic book is that it's not filled with Narration Boxes. Fucking A! Is that a saying that adults say? Or do only overgrown man children watching sports say that saying? Anyway, Warren Ellis is a real comic book writer (that's not meant as an insult!) because he knows how to let the pictures tell the half of the story that the pictures are trying to tell. I'm sick to death of reading the out of time inner monologues of people thinking thoughts directed at an audience. Maybe that's why I hate Grifter so much! Because that's his entire schtick!

This story begins at 10 PM on some winter night in New York City (as if it would take place in any other city! This is Marvel, dumb dumbs!). As people are going about their end of the daily routines, four ghost punk rockers march into town and start moshing New Yorker's faces. I bet this is the Second Coming of the Shuteye Train!

The Shuteye Train engaging in philosophical debate. What would you die for, assholes? Just look at you.

Moon Knight pulls up in his fancy white car and jumps right into the debate. His opening point goes right past Pig Millions. Pig Millions counters with an unarguable point while Loco Dantes interrupts with a salient argument that brings Moon Knight to his knees. Eventually Reedy Weeks and Joe Kay add their voices to the mix. Moon Knight finds himself overwhelmed by their logic.

And by "logic", I mean "boots".

Moon Knight does what any crazy, sharp-dressed vigilante would due after getting his ass handed to him by a bunch of punk street philosophers. He goes back to his mansion and consults with the moldy birdman skeleton lurking in the shadows of his den. Khonshu or Horus or Harvey Deadbirdman reminds Moon Knight that his basement is full of Egyptian artifacts. Somewhere amidst the stolen treasures (even if they were "purchased", they've still been stolen from the culture that rightly should possess them), he's sure to have something that will allow him to win a street argument with a bunch of punk ghosts that think they're writers.

Moon Knight bones up on some ancient Egyptian debating techniques and hits the streets again the next night hoping to put the verbal smackdown on The Shuteye Train.

I'd watch the Presidential Debates if they were forced to dress in this kind of ritualistic regalia.

With his new bone coverings, Moon Knight is able to counter every argument the Shuteye Train throw at him. He completely picks apart Pig Millions and chases down the rest of the gang to a building that's being newly renovated.

Must be CBGB and the renovation is driving out all the zeitgeist leftover. Or the punk rock ghosts are just old men in masks trying to get the real estate for super cheap.

I think CBGB's is a high end clothing store or something now. Maybe it's a Disney Store! Whatever it was turned into, the fucking angst and anger was driven out into the streets! I didn't hear about any of this kind of shit going down though, so I guess the punk rock ghosts decided this world was fucking too late to change and just got on with dying.

Inside, Moon Knight finds four punk gang members with bullet holes in their heads slouched against the wall. He also finds a punk, long dead, sitting cross-legged with a gun in his hand and a music box near his feet. The Punk Ghosts he finds hiding inside a crack in the music box. And Moon Knight says:

I think this is some kind of statement about how punk rock failed to truly change the world because the punks could never actually let go of their nostalgic ties leftover from childhood. Or something.

Moon Knight drops the music box into the bay so that the last three punk rock ghosts could come back later. You know, after they find a new drummer.

Moon Knight #3 Rating: While reading this story, I purchased another copy of The Boomer Bible on Amazon for eighty six cents, thanks to my Amazon Credit Card Bonus Points. I believe I've given away four different copies of The Boomer Bible and have found myself without a copy for far too long now. So I ordered it. I think I read The Boomer Bible cover to cover when I was twenty five. I'd read many, many excerpts from it for a few years before that. I may not generally list it as one of my favorite books when I list favorite books (although I probably sometimes do; the list constantly changes depending on mood or which books come to mind) but it's possible it's the book that has been most influential on my character and personality (and, probably, writing). I give away copies instead of loaning them because I think everybody should have a copy of The Boomer Bible on hand. And, even though I think it's rarely done, I believe everybody should read it cover to cover. When the book gets serious, it gets fucking serious. I think if Punk Rock had a holy book, The Boomer Bible could easily be it.

Moon Knight #2

"Who broke my window?!" "Telling the truth isn't going to be crazy!" "Glass everywhere you look! Who broke my window?!" "Why is my stomach all nervous and crazy?"

I want to begin by apologizing for writing a blog that is sometimes hard to understand. I appreciate that you struggle through it because you can tell that it's the smartest writing on the web even if you have a hard time understanding any of it. It's not my goal to make you feel average when you've come to the end and reflect on the piece in stunned and muted silence. Using phrases like "muted silence" every few sentences is a strategic method to keep people of average intelligence comfortable while reading my commentaries. Commentaries that, truly, can only be compared to reading an advanced text on quantum mechanics. I get it. I understand. My work is intimidating! But you know, as a loyal and constant reader of my blog, like a faithful dog excitedly chomping at my heels, that placing yourself in difficult situations is the first step to growing, the first rusty ladder rung of enlightenment! Smiles, everyone! Smiles! My dear readers, I am Tess, your host! Welcome to Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

Before I begin reading Moon Knight #2, I have a clarification to a statement I made in my last commentary. I stated that I had never read a Moon Knight story. Upon meeting with a friend afterward, he decided to embarrass and humiliate me by pointing out that he had loaned me a comic book with Moon Knight in it just a few months previous. Stuffing french fries covered in every condiment he could wring out of the Shari's server, he said, "What the fuck is wrong with you, you idiot? What kind of mental deficiencies are you suffering from? Is your brain rife with cancers? Or are you just too fucking old to remember anything?"

"Well!" I stammered as I angrily stirred my iced tea with a straw. "I never!" I began avoiding eye contact and grew mutedly silent.

After stuffing another round of fries into his bearded facehole, he said, "Hey. Hey. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so...exuberant." I refused to acknowledge him. "Hey. Look at me. Come on." I slowly turned, as if I were going to meet his gaze. Instead, I stared at the wall just past his head. "You know I just love Secret Avengers and can get very passionate about it. It hurt me, personally, that you didn't remember it."

"Well...," I managed to mutter through a river of snot and tears that I forgot to mention were suddenly coming out of my face due to allergies, probably. I still wouldn't look him in the eyes.

"Oh, I know what baby likes," he began, realizing I was coming around. And that's when I felt his hand on my inner thigh, squeezing delicately and slowly making its way up to the stiffening bulge in my jeans.

And that's when I realized he'll probably be reading this and things are going to be really awkward next time we talk! So I decided to read Moon Knight #2 and pretend none of that stuff ever happened!

This is how the issue begins. It's clever. So be ready for it.

Eight separate characters. Eight separate panels. One death. Okay, maybe that part isn't clever! The clever is coming up!

The clever part is how page two now has seven panels and one white space where an eighth panel would go. The seven panels have the remaining seven characters in them. Same order. Blank panel where the dead guy would be. This page has another death.

Third page, two blank panels where the dead people's stories were taking place. Another dead guy, another blank panel on the next page. Within the stark white borderless spaces where people's lives are now missing, there is a voice. A new story is taking place. But it's an old story tied to the lives of the people in the other boxes. It's the story of a person that was abandoned by these others, long ago. And now he's making them pay. And by pay, I mean shooting them in the face with bullets.

But that's not where the clever stops, apparently! Because you know Warren Ellis's motto: "Always be too clever for your own good!" That's a pretty good motto. My motto is "When playing 'Rock, Paper, Scissors', always choose rock so you'll be prepared to throw the first punch when a fight breaks out." It's a metaphor for how to live life and not just a method for playing the game! Come on! Do I constantly need to hold your little pee pee for you so you piss straight in the bowl? That's also a metaphor so it pertains to non-penis having people as well.

Two comic books in one week with the word "fart" in them! We've come so far!

So that's eight pages and eight people dead with the killer's voice mentioning that he's going to do this to nine people. It also seems that most of them worked in the same building or on the same office block. But that's probably because they were all members of some black ops group working for the same people. Or coincidence. Or some manipulation by some genius bad guy like Harvest.

This story is a nicely done, compact version of an idea I had for a book of short stories. This was years before The Sopranos finale and was a project I never worked on because I'm lazy. Each story was going to be about a person whose trials and tribulations had led them all to the same moment at the same restaurant. Each story would end unfulfilled and incomplete. They would just stop, maybe in mid-thought. Or maybe at a seemingly normal break but with the reader unsatisfied with the conclusion to the story. The final story would be that of a person on a shooting spree as he kills each of the people in the previous stories. His story would get an ending of his own choosing as he commits suicide. The only person whose story gets a proper ending because he was the one to choose the ending for all of them even though he wasn't in any of the other stories. So how could their stories end resolved?

After eight pages of no Moon Knight, we get three pages of Moon Knight landing on a rooftop behind the sniper. So that's half the comic book down and no real Moon Knight action! And, yet, it's still a good comic book! How can Warren Ellis do that? Scott Lobdell fills every page in his comic books with the main characters and I'd rather be reading about characters I've never met whose names I'll never know! Writing! How is it done well? It's a mystery!

Then there's a big chase scene and no words! It's very cinematic! Except without the music layered into the background to try to make you feel something studios don't think you'll feel without music.

See how slow bullets are in the Marvel Universe?! My theory was correct!

The issue ends with Moon Knight learning the story that the reader already knew. And then the ninth person appears in the elevator, shoots the sniper in the head, and says, "Banks are better than guns!" Except his words ring hollowly since he killed the sniper with a gun and not a stack of money.

Now is the part where you tell me how I got the ending all wrong because I opted for a joke instead of a serious analysis. Go ahead. You're free to do whatever you like! Unless you like diddling babies. Then you might be free and you might be doing that but you shouldn't be either of those things!

Moon Knight #2 Rating: Good stuff! I miss this kind of self-contained comic book story. You just don't get enough writers feeling confident enough to write a story that doesn't hinge on the super powers of the title character. Sometimes the title character can be a supporting character because the story is the important thing. I mean, the characters are important too! But only when they're treated like characters and not just super powers wearing a specific costume. I think I might have had something else I was going to say but I've forgotten. So the end.

Moon Knight #1

"M-O-O-N! That spells Moon Knight!"

I have never read a Moon Knight comic. I don't believe I've ever read a comic book that featured Moon Knight. My only experience with Moon Knight is Moon Roach, Dave Sim's parody of the character in Cerebus. But he's a character that has intrigued me because he's crazy. At least I hear he's crazy. Isn't that what he is? Anyway, I didn't actually pick this up because I couldn't wait to finally bust my Moon Knight cherry all over my clean bedsheets. I picked it up because Warren Ellis's name is on the cover. Also because I was forced to buy this copy after having my way with it in the back of the comic book shop due to seeing Warren Ellis's name on it.

Since I have nothing to say about Moon Knight that isn't rampant speculation as to whether he's more moon or knight, I'll just recount Moon Knight's Secret Origin for this series as told to me by the first page of the comic book: "Mecenary Marc Spector died in Egypt, under a statue of the ancient deity Khonshu [So the statue crushed him or he just died at its feet? Also, was his first name "Mercenary" or was that his occupation?!]. He returned to life in the shadow of the moon god, and wore his aspect to fight crime for his own redemption. He went completely insane, and disappeared. [Then there's a paragraph break here.] This is what happened next."

I really wanted that last sentence to end in an exclamation point. I was super excited as I was reading that last sentence and then I felt embarrassed when it ended in a period, like I'd brought more to this comic book than it was ready to give.

Tess: "OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!"
Marvel Comic Book: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, Hoss. I ain't responsible for your future happiness, you know? I was just stating a fact. A short declarative sentence. And now that you've imbued the moment with your own desperate need to live vicariously through me, you expect me to deliver something I wasn't prepared to give. I don't need this kind of pressure."
Tess: "SORRY COMIC BOOK OH MY GOD MOON KNIGHT REALLY IS INSANE THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!"
Marvel Comic Book: "You know what should calm your ass down? How about some adverts, bitch? I'm gonna shove 'em right down your throat, over and over and over again! That'll wear your excited ass down to more acceptable levels, won't it? Jesus, I'm going to give you so many advertisements you're going to begin wondering why this comic book isn't free and on a small stand just inside the door of your local convenience store. I'm going to have so many ads, you're going to wonder why you haven't found any good deals on boats by the end of this."

Moon Knight has Dissociative Identity Disorder. He's going to be called crazy a lot by characters in this comic book and by me. If you have DID, please read this while in your least easily offended personality.

Moon Knight is known as Mr. Knight by Detective Flint and the other New York police. I know they're NYPD because this is a Marvel comic book and Marvel only has one city in their universe and that city is New York. Mr. Knight is not known as Moon Knight because if he were Moon Knight, the police would have to use excessive force on him. And that wouldn't look very good in the papers the next day. "NYPD BRUTALIZE MENTALLY ILL BUSINESS GHOST."

He's not wearing a phosphorescent suit!

Mister Knight (M-O-O-N! That spells Mister!) is helping Detective Flint to track down a slasher that's been killing big, tough guys. Mister Knight has a special knack for checking out a crime scene and knowing exactly what happened. Maybe the moon tells him since the slasher kills at night. Maybe he's just got the same gift as that detective from the most horrible movie ever that consistently winds up on people's lists as their favorite movie: Boondock Saints. Holy shit that movie is awful, people. Stop liking it unironically. Fuck, stop liking it ironically! No, wait. Forget I said anything. Knowing that movie is their favorite movie is an easy way to judge somebody as a person I have no interest in getting to know.

And then I reach the big foldout advertisement for more Marvel comic books and realize I have to add another one to my pull list: Doop by Peter Milligan. This is really getting out of hand!

Moon Knight's investigations take him deep under the city where he finds an old Agent of SHIELD that was blown up by an IUD while on shore leave. He's been killing physically fit people and taking pieces of them to fix himself up. And we all know which piece is his favorite piece to take, right?! I bet his penis is now sixteen penises long. He'll show those terrorists that life after an IUD is still livable! Plus the next time his penis sets off an explosive IUD, his body will be at a safe distance, sixteen penis lengths away.

RED! The color of crazy men! WHITE! The color of crazy men! RED! The color that makes me see red! WHITE! The color that might not be a color!

Moon Knight kills this hero because Moon Knight has no respect for people who served our country even if it was as an agent of a clandestine government agency that will do anything to advance its own agenda while pretending to seemingly serve the people of America. Also the guy tried to shoot Moon Knight in the face, so what could he do, you know?

The issue ends with a flashback to Moon Knight's return to New York where a psychiatrist (or something. He calls her "Doctor") tells him that he isn't insane. Instead, and this is the good news, he's suffered brain damage after having been resurrected by an Outerterrestrial entity causing him to cycle through aspects of the Moon God, Khonshu. She finishes by telling him his brain has been colonized by an ancient consciousness from beyond space-time. It's those last few revelations that make me doubt that this "doctor" is actually a psychiatrist!

Darn. I guess Moon Knight isn't technically crazy now. He's just got a bit of Space Madness. Or suffering from a slight bout of Cosmic Possession. I'm sure all of this will still make for an interesting series since what, really, is the difference between crazy and the crazy diagnosis the "doctor" gave him? Hell, the doctor might just be a figment of his insane mind.