Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #31 (Early June 1992)

Batman loves his fuzzy little screechy rabies guys.

Who in DC's art department or editorial, in 1992, decided that after 30 issues, the iconic look of this series should just be tossed out the fucking window like a reverse Batman origin? "What are you talking about, Grunion Guy? The logo looks just like it always did?" I'm not talking about the logo, Internet blockhead I just made up to argue with! Where'd the thin-lined rectangle go?! Look, I'll show you some examples.

This is the first issue. It established "the rectangle". It looks fucking stylish. But it gets better!

This smaller image inside a rectangle of solid cover, with the logo and title in blocks above and below the main image, was used for the entirety of the "Shaman" story arc. At issue #6, they changed this format by covering the entire page with the image.

But they left the original inner rectangle border! How fucking cool does that look?!

You can even see the rectangle use on Mike Mignola's cover for the first Annual which he incorporated into the art by having the lower edge disappear into the murky water that Batman is wading through. It just looks so streamlined and modern and some artists absolutely were working with it as part of the layout, as seen in Wagner's run, "Faces". But for some reason, after thirty issues, they dropped the design on this cover. Why? Who made that decision? Can they retroactively be fired for being lame and not with it? Man, I hope so!

This issue is called "Family" probably to bring to mind "Death in the Family" where the Joker treated Jason Todd's head like a sealed crate full of brains. And since these stories are "legends", maybe Jason Todd will be a main character in this. I'm assuming, by the title, that's how these stories worked at the time. They're not chronological but stories from across Batman's career without being grounded in any specific time.

The issue begins with a very serious Batman running through the jungle, bloodlust pumping through his normally bloodlust-free veins.

Please let him be talking about Batcow!

How often does Batman "want" to kill? Is he like Bruce Banner in that one movie and Batman's secret is that he wants to kill all the fucking time? That can't be true because he definitely loses his temper to degrees no regular mortal ever does without popping a mental gasket but he seems to have the ability not to kill as hardcoded as my ability to not shit myself while I'm sleeping, no matter how huge a shit I'm taking in my dreams. Batman's probably just being metaphorical and slightly hyperbolic when he says to himself that he wants to kill them. Up until the "they've taken you" bit, I thought maybe he was talking about ants in his kitchen.

Unsurprisingly, it's Alfred who has been taken. Batman decides right up front that he's finally willing to kill if that's what it takes to save Alfred. This might be why Jason Todd came back so angry. "Remember that time you were willing to kill to save somebody? And it wasn't fucking me, you piece of shit! *BANG*!" The bang was Red Hood's gun that he loves to shoot into people's faces and kill them dead. But not Batman because even if he's mostly mad at Batman, he just takes that anger out at the rest of the criminal world. Also, he can't hit Batman with a bullet! Nobody can. At least not mortally!

It seems Batman sent Alfred on a vacation to Corto Maltese where Alfred got into some trouble. So Batman is blaming himself instead of Alfred who probably did too much gambling, heroin, and sex.

Like Bruce Wayne cares if Alfred hears his fuck noises. As if Alfred doesn't usually sit in the cuck chair, just in case Bruce needs something during the sex. "A little more lube for your butthole, sir?"

Alfred disappeared two days into his vacation but Batman didn't notice until Alfred missed his flight seven days later. Batman says, "Didn't have time to check up on him." Oh yeah. He was fucking all week, wasn't he? Probably had Selena Kyle, Vicki Vale, and Jaina Hudson in bed with him for five days straight. Bruce probably didn't even bother to pick up Alfred at the airport since that's, you know, Alfred's job.

Realizing he was going to have to make his own tea and wash his own pants for the rest of his life, Batman decides to investigate Alfred's disappearance. He heads to Corto Maltese, stays in the same hotel, and passes around a lot of cash while asking questions to all the locals. He finally discovers one willing to tell him about the white man interested in visiting the Mayan ruins. So Batman headed into the jungle with a murder boner.

Even though I scanned the "New Girlfriend" question panel, I could not figure out this clue until Batman explained it.

Batman smiles at Alfred's naivete to not make girlfriend plural and heads into the jungle after him and his captors.

Batman catches up to the bandits in an abandoned rubber factory. After easily beating up most of them, he questions one and discovers that Alfred supposedly was killed by a snake bite! Batman doesn't immediately break down in tears but it's close. He also manages to not kill the guy who told him because he wants proof. But the guy tells him Alfred's body is in the next room but what's actually in the next room are more bandits for Batman to beat the shit out of. After that, the guy explains that they sold Alfred to a criminal overlord called El Vato. Guy Gardner?

"Okay, fine! Yes, Bruce Wayne wrote a birthday card to Jeffrey Epstein all about the first Robin nobody knows about!"

Man, that caption was too dark even for me. I'm sorry, Baby Jesus. I know you don't approve. On the other hand, I don't care what Baby Jesus approves of or disapproves of. He's just a baby!

I can't pray to adult Jesus because he's always depicted shirtless on the cross and, oh my, my thighs are already sweating. Madre de Dios!

I know, I know. Look at me, having a little fun with Christianity in what they'd deem to be a blasphemous or vitriolic way. No way! I love Jesus! But here's a little helpful hint to all the Christians who think both that America is a Christian nation and that Christians are the most victimized of religious people ever: of course you're going to get parodied and satirized and mocked when your religion is the standout, most vocal religion in the United States! What, we're supposed to go after Quakers when we do a little fun mockery? Pshaw! If we did that, you'd get jealous and upset that you were being ignored! I bet Jesus wouldn't get mad at me saying his athletic build gives me the hots! He'd probably blush and do a "oh you" hand gesture and then say, "But seriously. Get straight with God, sinner."

Batman sneaks into El Vato's encampment in some Mayan ruins and almost immediately falls into an ancient Mayan pit trap. El Vato strolls over with all his gunmen to mock Batman before killing him.

Batman's probably not crying. It's just the pit was full of stagnant water. And he fell in directly onto his eyeballs.

Batman does not get shot to death even though it seems inevitable at this point. Instead, he triggers a sonic device on his belt that causes all the bats in South America to come party down. He escapes under cover of bat and rushes into the ruins to find Alfred whom he finds almost immediately. Batman also finds some trucks loaded with guns, explosives, and drugs. He sets up a detonator to distract the gang members while they flee for a helicopter Batman saw earlier. The rescue and escape all work out after some explosions and fisticuffs and Alfred saving Batman's life.

You know Batman probably set this up to make Alfred feel good. Also those are the final panels of the story. That's how it ends.

It's easy to set up a situation like this to entertain people or make them feel like heroes when you're observant. I was once helping out with the Santa Clara Junior Theater when I was, I don't know, twenty-one, I think? At the end of the show, we were breaking down the Tom Sawyer set when I realized they were pulling the nails out of the house façade and that it was probably just going to fall forward when they were done. So I positioned myself with my back to the façade, lining up in the doorway so that the entire thing would crash down around me. Everybody screamed and then laughed and thought it was hilarious and I don't think anybody realized I set up the entire thing. Like Batman pretending he was about to die so Alfred could save him! I'm just like Batman!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #31 Rating: C. It was a mediocre story which explained why Alfred doesn't go on vacation. Did we need that story? No but we don't really need any story, right? This could have been one of those great fucking stories that you remember for ever even when it wasn't needed for continuity or lore or to reveal some deep insight into the character. But it wasn't because it was mostly boring. Thanks, James Hudnall, for boring me! That being said, I'm going to immediately give James D. Hudnall another chance to impress me! This was the first comic I've reviewed by him but guess what? I've got another to follow it up immediately: Lex Luthor: The Unauthorized Biography.

Judging by this cover, I might be taking the piss out of Donald Trump quite a bit next review. Or not. Fuck Trump. I don't want to talk about his moronic, spiteful ass.

The Phantom Stranger #5

When did the Phantom Stranger's right eye become a vagina?

Is it wrong of me to hope that The Spectre killed The Phantom Stranger's family? It's not like I'd grown to care about them or anything? I mean, at first I thought it would be interesting but I'm kind of sick of them and their never ending soccer games. Soccer is one of those sports that I think of as stupid. But wait! You haven't heard my reasons! In other sports, you can set up a keg nearby and drink while playing. Sure, football can be a little rough if you're playing tackle, but it's still playable while drunk! But you can't drink while playing soccer! There's too much running in soccer! I guess if you don't mind everybody constantly throwing up and accidentally kicking each other in the face, you might give it a go. But I don't think you'd be too successful at it. If anybody out there does play soccer drunk, let me know! And send pictures!

This issue begins with The Phantom Stranger kicking down the door to Jim Corrigan's place of business. You know, the Gotham Police Department? The GoPo are used to this kind of nonsense so they just go, "Oh! Looking for Jim? Yeah, just down the hallway." Once The Phantom Stranger barges in on Jim Corrigan, they prepare to have a battle. Preferably Pokemon but I wouldn't mind a Yu-gi-oh style card game.

How can either of them win when God is on both of their sides?!

The battle between these two semi-supreme beings is simply one of words. No making up the rules as they go like in Yu-gi-oh. No holier than thou righteous bullshit like Ash flings at his Pokemon rivals. Well, maybe there is some holier than thou bullshit between these two. But it's different than Ash's my shit don't stink mantra. Their philosophical sniping might interest some readers so I'll paraphrase their conversation.

The Spectre: "You gave birth to me!"
The Phantom: "John Stuart Mills!"
The Spectre: "You killed me!"
The Phantom: "I'm a tool!"
The Spectre: "World War II!"
The Phantom: "I'm on a mission from God!"
The Spectre: "I'm the Spirit of Vengeance!"
The Phantom: "I did it all for love!"
The Spectre: "Liar!"
The Phantom: "Am not!"
The Spectre: "Christ killer!"
The Phantom: "You don't know me!"
The Spectre: "You don't know yourself!"
The Phantom: "NOOOOOOOOOO! Oh God!"

I think The Spectre wins.

Meanwhile Doctor Thirteen is visited by The Question! And I've decided to become a superhero too! You can call me "The Exclamation"! The Question turns declarative statements into questions! What a superb power! And he does it without a mouth! Holy heck! That's incredible! It's literally the most amazing thing I've ever seen! The Question believes he can get Doctor Thirteen to betray The Phantom Stranger! No way! I bet it doesn't happen!

Back to The Phantom Stranger and The Spectre, their verbal disagreement ends in cannibalism. The Spectre swallows The Phantom Stranger. But these two guys are way too powerful to defeat each other. So after a few more tricks back and forth and a few more insults tossed around, The Font in the Sky finally breaks it up.

I was wondering when this Font was going to show up again.

The Font turns into the Terrier and berates the two biggest cosmic babies in the DCnU. "Play nice," he barks and that's that. Except The Stranger still doesn't know where his family have gotten to. Until the phone rings and Dr. Thirteen is on the other end of the line telling The Stranger that someone named The Question might have had something to do with the kidnappings.

The Phantom Stranger #5 Rating: No change. A lot of bluster and speculation about who The Stranger and The Spectre are and what their roles are. The Dog in the Sky clears up The Spectre's role: he's the the Dog in the Sky's instrument for justice. But The Stranger is still just some jerk that fucks people over. I guess the Dog in the Font doesn't care to explain why he wants to completely screw some people. Better off to keep the uglier pieces of Cosmic Business a secret.